02x12 - Cousin Maude's Visit

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ guys like us
we had it made ♪

[ together ]
♪ those were the days ♪

♪ and you knew
where you were then ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ girls were girls
and men were men ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ mister, we could use a man ♪

♪ like Herbert hoover again ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ didn't need no welfare state ♪

[ Edith ]
♪ everybody pulled his weight ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ gee, our old lasalle
ran great ♪

♪ those were the days ♪

[ Archie ]
Edith!
Comin', Archie!

- Mother!
- Oh, I'll be with you
in a minute, Gloria.

Your father wants
some aspirin.

Edith, bring
the kaopectate too, will ya?

Hurry up!
Oh!

[ Mike ]
Ma, I need some nose drops!
Right away, Mike! Nose drops.

- Mom?
- In a minute, Gloria.

I'm doin' the best I can
with the three of you
sick this way.

[ Groans ]

[ Sneezes ]
Gloria!

What are you doing up?
You're supposed
to be resting.

I know, mom,
but you're so busy,
and I want a cup of tea.

[ Archie ] Edith, you dingbat!
You brung me
the milk of magnesia!

I got 'em mixed up.
I'm sorry, Archie!

That's all right, mom.
I'll get the tea.
No! I'll get the tea.

You go down and rest.
[ Archie ]
Edith, come on!

I'll be with you
in a second, Archie!

[ Mike ]
Ma!
She's in the kitchen!

What? I can't hear you!
I said,
she's in the kitchen!

Mike, God, you know
how lousy I feel!
Must you make me scream?

What did you say?

I need some orange juice, ma!

[ Archie ]
Edith, come on!
Here's your tea, dear.

Nice and hot.
Thank you, ma.

Edith, you got me
walkin' a plank!
The kaopectate!

Coming, Archie!
Don't forget the ginger ale
to k*ll the taste of it!

Oh, ginger ale.
[ Panting ]
Oh-oh, my.

Stop, ma.
Enough is enough.
Daddy, Michael,

you two bundle up
and come down here before
ma falls on her face!

Come on, ma.
You gotta sit down and rest.

Well, I'll be all right
just as soon as
I catch my breath.

Oh, my!

It wasn't so bad
the first two days...

When I wasn't so tired
and you wasn't so sick.

Oh, ma, we just gotta send
for cousin maude
to come and help out,

or you're gonna
get sick too.

I phoned her, but
your father sent her a telegram
and told her not to come.

He won't have her around.

[ Coughing ]

Where's the kaopectate?
Don't you wanna open
the ginger ale first?

There ain't no time
for the ginger ale now.

Oh, geez! Edith,
get the ginger ale now.

How could you mix up
milk of magnesia
with kaopectate, Edith?

It's like mixing up prune juice
with radiator sealant.

Get out of my chair,
meathead!

[ Groaning ]

Come on, Edith, with
the ginger ale, huh?
Here you are, Archie.

Daddy,
this has gotta stop.
We're k*lling mom.

I don't know why
you won't let cousin maude
come and help out.

Oh, go blow your nose!

We ain't lettin' that woman
in this house, and that's
the end of the discussion.

How could you hate her
through all these years?

Are you kidding?
Archie's hatred's
like a fine wine.

It mellows with age.

Why don't you go take
a pill for yourself, huh?

I need some vitamin "c."
I'll get it, Michael.

You go sit down
on the sofa next to Gloria.
You can share the blanket.

I'm not sittin' next to Gloria.
She's highly infectious!

She's the one
I caught this thing from
in the first place.

Don't you blame that on me.
I warned you I was
coming down with something.

Why'd you have to kiss me?

'Cause I liked you that day.

[ Coughing ]
Aw, cut that out, huh?

You're spraying all
your "infecterous" germs
over on me.

Archie, if there's
no personal contact, there's
no danger of further infection.

That's with regular germs.

Them polack bugs of yours
are too dumb
to know the rules.

[ Coughing ]
Thanks, ma.
Here you are, Mike.

Ma? Ma, will you please
get me the nose spray?

Yes, dear.
And some orange juice, ma.

Wait a minute, Edith.
Hold it.
Stop runnin' around.

Get over here.
Now, we're all gonna
be down here.

I'm gonna make up some
rules here and regulations
and "priorororities."

And the first "priorority"
is me, 'cause I'm the one
that's really sick.

You're sick?

My leg and my back muscles ache,
and I'm nauseous all the time.

Oh, I feel for you, Gloria.
I really do.

But you have one of
the lesser strains of the virus.

I have the big one!
[ Exaggerated cough ]

I'm the one!
I'm the guy!

I'm the breadwinner
here, all right?

And I gotta get well.
Geez.

I gotta feed
three human beings
and a government mule.

Now, if the two of youse
want anything, you'll just have
to serve yourselves, that's all,

'cause Edith is gonna be
waitin' on me.

I got a very
delicate condition.

And keep the path clear
between here and the bathroom
at all times.

Daddy, I think it's high time
we reconsidered cousin maude.

Well,
you just forget that.
Oh, boy.

She's the only relative
on the two sides of the family
that'll come when you need her,

and you won't
have her around.

I don't see what on earth
you've got against her.

Well, she's a big mouth
buttinsky. She was from
the first day I met her.

Oh. I remember that day.
[ Chuckles ]

Maude and me
was sittin' in...

The puritan maid
ice cream parlor,
havin' their special.

It was called a steamboat.
Five flavors of ice cream,

three different toppings--
whipped cream, marshmallow,

butterscotch sauce--
all right, Edith!
Cut it out, huh?

Will you lay off that stuff?
My belly's turnin' over here.

No, go on, ma.
I wanna know what happened.

Well, I'll tell it,
and I'll save you some time.

Your mother and her cousin maude
were sittin' in the puritan maid
ice cream parlor, that's all.

I was in there with
another guy, Rupert Pratt.

Talkin' about gettin' sick.
You should've seen
Rupert Pratt...

Turn his eyelids inside out.

Well, anyway, I was in there,
and I was just, uh,

tryin' to get your mother's
attention, that's all.

- How'd you do that, daddy?
- He was so cute.

I'm tellin' the story,
Edith.

I was tryin' to make
your mother laugh.

'Cause that was my--
what do you call--
style in them days.

Oh, yeah.
You should've seen him.

First, he stuffed
two straws up his nose
like a walrus.

All right, Edith, eh?

And then he made out
like he was shot in the belly,

and he put his head back
like this and let
chocolate syrup...

Drip out of
the corner of his mouth.

Will you stifle yourself!

Go on, ma.
Did he make you laugh?

Oh, I'll say.
[ Chuckles ]

Finally, he got up
and came over...

To where maude and me
were sittin'.

And while he looked at me
straight in the eye,

your father
squished his hand...

Right down into my steamboat.

Well, I had to laugh,

'cause there he was
up to here in five flavors,
three toppings--

marshmallow,
whipped cream--
all right, Edith, huh?

We all heard
how you make a steamboat.

If you want to
tell 'em something,
why don't you tell 'em...

What your cousin maude,
that gorgeous
cousin maude of yours,

said to me on that occasion.

Well, she said--
oh, Archie, you really
want me to repeat it?

Certainly.
Let the two of 'em know.

Let 'em know what
a no-class person she really is.

Well, she said that...

She hadn't seen
nothin' so disgustin'...

Since her kid brother
heaved up his whole dinner
at his confirmation.

There. Hear that?

Nice, huh?

I pull off the funniest stunt
in the whole history of the
puritan maid ice cream parlor,

and maude comes up
with a revoltin' story
about confirmation.

I hate that dame.

Well, she ain't too crazy
about you neither.

Ever since that fight
your father and maude had
one Christmas,

when she caught him drawin'
horns and a moustache...

On a picture
of president Roosevelt.

Cousin maude liked
Roosevelt, huh, ma?
Oh, yeah.

She was nuts about the guy.

Once, she ran blocks
up Broadway during a parade...

Just to catch up with his car
and touch his hand.

Certainly. She was
a new deal fanatic.

Oh, boy, I'm feelin'
lousier by the minute.

Aw, quit complainin', huh?
Cut out the fakin'
with that thermometer there.

Fakin', huh?
Look at that inflammation!

Get that ugly tongue
away from me!
Oh, yeah?

Feel those
swollen glands there.
Get out of here!

I don't wanna feel
no part of you.
Why?

You're afraid you'll find out
that I'm really sicker than you?

You're sicker than me?
Did you hear that, Edith?
Yes!

He said-- Edith, get me
the other thermometer,
right now.

We'll find out
who's the sickest here.
Fine.

Yeah, all right.
Take that out and
shake it down all the way.

All right.
You shake yours down.
This one's already shook down.

Now, stick that
in your yap and clam up.

I'll time it.
One Mississippi,
two Mississippi,

three Mississippi,
four Mississippi--

- what are you doin', ma?
- I'm countin' seconds.

That's they way
they taught us in school.

Oh, my.
What Mississippi
was I up to?

[ Mumbling ]
You got to four Mississippi.
What did you say, Archie?

Five Mississippi,
six Mississippi--
oh, yeah.

Four Mississippi,
five Mississippi--
you're going back!

Ma, you lost count.
You're way behind.

I know.
I'll time it by
"the minute waltz."

- ♪ [ Humming ]
- Oh, will you shut up!

Next time you wanna
time somethin', Edith,

just let the sand
run out of your head.

That's it. Time's up.
What've you got?

Oh, no.
No, no.

I'm callin' you.
What do you got?

Can you beat ?

Can I beat ?

I can beat
with points to spare.
What does that say, Edith?

Mckesson and Roberts--
aw, give me that!

Can I beat ?
What do you say to . ?

Read it and weep.
. .

Let me see that.
All right.
There it is-- . .

Yeah, we found out
who's really sick around here.
[ Chuckles ]

What am I happy about?
I'm dying.

Gloria, get up.
Let me lie down on the couch.

Oh, no, you don't.
My temperature's .

And for two tenths of a point,
you're not taking my couch.

Gloria, I am sick!
Will you let me
lie down on the couch?

Aw, dummy up,
the two of youse, will ya?

Hypochondriac!
Hypochondriac, huh?

I got a . !
That ain't hypochondriac!

[ Doorbell ringing ]
Edith, the doorbell
is ringing!

[ Yelling continues ]

Edith, the doorbell--
ah, what's the use!

[ Mike ]
That's it! I'm gettin' hotter!
I'm gettin' worse!

Shut up, all of ya!
Shhhh!
[ Arguing stops ]

There's a person
at the door.

- Maude!
- Edith!

Wait a minute! Didn't you get
my telegram telling you to
stay the hell away from here?

Of course
I got your telegram...

Telling me to stay
the hell away from here.

Edith, honey!
You can rest easy now.

Maudie is here.

Aw, geez.

Okay, everybody.
Rise and shine.
Time to get up.

♪ Lazy Mary, will you get up
will you get up
will you get up ♪

come on, everybody!
Edith!

Mike, Gloria, everybody,
we're gonna have breakfast
downstairs together.

The exercise'll
do you good.

♪ Good morning
good morning ♪

♪ you've slept
the whole night through
good morning ♪

♪ good morning to you ♪

are you waiting
for a special invitation?

I said breakfast
is on the table.

I heard ya.
So did every moose
up in Canada.

Listen, Archie,
I'm not going to
let you upset me.

I'm only here
because of Edith.

The fact that
you happen to be here with her
is beyond my control,

like any other
freak of nature.

Now, you can either
come to the table and eat,

or you can lie there
and feed off your own fat.

And if you choose the latter,
you could probably
lie there for months.

I didn't sleep
a whole wink here last night!

It's daytime now,
so get off the couch.
You'll be in the way.

What are you talkin' about?
You're the one
that put me on the couch.

You're the one that wouldn't
let me sleep with my own
wife up there in my own bed.

Your wife needs her rest.

Probably the first
peaceful night's sleep
she's had in years.

Dear, sweet Edith.

I'd k*ll for that girl.

Geez, maude, you already buried
two husbands. Ain't that
enough killin' for ya?

It's only : in the morning,
and already that foul mouth
is open for business.

Fred died
of a brain hemorrhage,

and Bert died
of a heart seizure.

And you know that
very well, Archie bunker.

All I know,
I seen the two of them...

Layin' up at the funeral parlor
with big smiles on their faces.

Good morning, everybody.

Here's Edith.
Get up, Archie.
What for?

Oh, look, you got
everything ready.

That's right.
Sit there, Archie.

You know, Bert and Fred--
God rest their souls--

used to jump up
and hold my chair for me.

[ Edith ]
It's a shame they both
had to die so young.

It was all that jumpin' up,
holdin' out chairs.

Watch it, Archie.

[ Blows raspberry ]

You're common.
Here, sweetheart.

You drink your juice,
and I'm gonna make you
a nice hot breakfast.

Oh, my!

I feel so rested.

I bet that's
the first good night's sleep
I've had in years.

How do you feel,
Archie?

How would you feel
if you was woke up by
a singin' storm trooper?

But she's
such a big help,
[ Groans ]

And she means well.

Don't walk so close to me,
will ya?
You're breathin' on me.

Then walk faster,
'cause I'm hungry.

Well, how do you two
feel this morning?

Well, my temperature's
down to ,
but my throat still feels bad.

My eyes are clearin' up,
but my nasal passage--
who cares, Michael?

Who cares?
Do you know what
he did to me?

He set the alarm to wake
himself up every two hours
all night long...

So that he could gargle
and take his pills...

And wheeze over his inhaler
for ten minutes.

You know something, Michael?
When you're sick,
you're sick!

Good morning, children.
Here, sweetheart.

I made you a lovely breakfast--
bacon and eggs,
toast and potatoes.

Thank you.
And for you,
I made delicious custard.

Oh, thank you.
Good for the tum-tum.
And this is for you.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Custard for them?
What the hell
do you call this?

It's my own invention--
cream of wheat with cheese.

Cream of wheat
with cheese?

It's light,
but it binds.

This here looks like
somethin' I ate and lost.

Oh, daddy,
don't be so crude.
[ Maude ] Crude?

He was always crude.

I remember when
he and Edith were courting,

they used to love
to go to the movies.

With a screen full of
Leslie Howards, Spencer Tracys
and Clark gables,

he took her to see
Buster crabbe.

Damn right.
A hell of an actor.

You never knew
what was any good, maude.

You was always wrong
about everything.

The luckiest day
in Edith's life was the day
I took her away from you...

And your whole family
of dreamy-eyed screwballs.

You're not stopping at me.
Now you're attacking
the whole family.

And after that wedding,
those presents we gave you!

Presents?
What presents?

All I remember
Edith bringing with her
was a waffle iron,

a raincoat that leaked,
four cavities and
a compacted wisdom tooth.

Presents.
[ Mock laughter ]

Just get out of my way!
Get out of my way!

Cream of wheat
and cheese, huh?
Wrong again, maude!

Don't mind him, maude.
He ain't himself today.

He wasn't so great
yesterday either.

Well, what can you expect
from a man who used to laugh
out loud at ish kabibble?

What's ish kabibble?

He was a person.
He played in kay kyser's band.

The college
of musical knowledge.

- Was he funny?
- Like a migraine.

But every time kay kyser said,
"and here's ish kabibble,"
your father laughed.

Now, come on, everybody. Let's
all go into the living room.
Leave the dishes.

I'll clean them up later.
Come on, sweetheart.

Now, you sit over here, Edith.
Make yourself comfortable,
honey.

I want you to get
all the rest you need.
Don't worry about me, maude.

You know, this is
the first time I've been
off my feet today.

It really feels good.
Maude, maybe you'd better
not sit in that chair.

Why not?
This old chair
is just perfect for me.

- You see, Archie--
- Archie, Archie.

Oh, Edith, when I think of
the hundreds of men
you could have married.

Who?

Well, there was, uh--
there was Bruce pellet, for one.

He liked you a lot,
Edith.

Bruce pellet.
Bruce--

oh, I remember him.

He was always
pickin' at himself like
his underwear was too tight.

And then one day,
we didn't notice it no more.

Oh, you mean he stopped?

No, he moved out
of the neighborhood.

Hey, hey, hey.

You're in my chair,
maude.

So?
I wanna sit in my chair.

- Oh?
- You gonna get
out of my chair?

No!

Now, maude, if you don't
get out of that chair,

I got a way to make you
very, very upset.

- Archie, please.
- Stay out of this now, Edith.

Come on, maude.
Last chance.
You gonna get out of there?

Get lost.

Ho, ho, ho.

Well, I got the
secret w*apon that can lay
this little lady right away.

Here we go.
This country was ruined...

By Franklin
delano Roosevelt!

You're fat.

Sticks and stones
may break my bones, but
Franklin delano Roosevelt--

you promised never
to say that name again
in front of maude.

Franklin delano Roosevelt!
He don't mean nothin'.

His whole family
was for Roosevelt.

That was for two terms,
but that was it!

We didn't know the guy
was gonna hang on
to the job like a pope!

He hung on...
To save the country.

The people adored him.
He was a Saint.
That man had charisma.

I don't care
if he was sick.

He always had
his big mouth open
at them fireside chats.

Those fireside chats
kept this country informed.

And one "my friends"
from Roosevelt...

Was worth a barrel full of
"let me make this
perfectly clears."

Ohh!

Now you're rappin'
my president, huh?

Well, let me tell you
one thing about
Richard e. Nixon.

He knows how to keep
his wife pat home.

Roosevelt could never
do that with Eleanor.

She was always
out on the loose,

runnin' around
with the coloreds,

tellin' 'em they was gettin'
the short end of the stick.

She was the one that
discovered the coloreds
in this country.

We never knew
they was there.

And we've been havin'
nothin' but trouble
with them ever since!

It was a question
of civil rights
or civil w*r.

We got civil w*r, maude!
We got riots in the streets!

Because of poverty
and unemployment.

No! Because of
Franklin delano Roosevelt,
the first creepin' socialist.

He brought the country
back from the depression.

And dumped us right into
the middle of world w*r ii.

Which he won as
our commander in chief.

No! That's a lie!
General macarthur won that w*r.

And Roosevelt
fired him for it.
That was Truman.

Under secret sealed orders
from f.D.R.

Oh, come on!
That's a fact, maude!

Just like that other fact--
that he sold us out
to Joe Stalin at Gibraltar.

They met at yalta.
He sold us out
there too!

He handed all of Europe
over to the russkies
on a silver platter.

I don't wanna argue
with you no more, maude!
And I got my chair back!

You know, Archie,
I think I liked you better...

When you were shoving straws
up your nose.

I'm leaving this house!

Maude!
Let her go!
I got my chair back.

Archie,
you can have your chair.

Only don't move around
too much.
You'll crush your brains.

Maude--
don't say nothin' to her!
Let her go, Edith!

I don't want her around--
what's the matter with you?
Oh, my.

What's wrong, honey?
Archie,

when you first got sick,
where did it hit you?

Oh, geez, you know
where it hit me.

Mike, where did you feel it?

It was my head.
I got dizzy.

- You, Gloria?
- Suddenly, I felt nauseous
and I started throwing up.

That's the one!
Wait a minute! Edith!
Where are you going?

Edith, what's the matter
with you?
I'm sick!

Edith, you can't be sick!
What's gonna happen to us?

Who the hell's
gonna take care of us?

Maudie's here.

Aw, geez.

In sickness and in health.

Oh, boy.
What are youse tryin' to do,

give your germs
a new lease on life?

Come on, daddy. Don't be
so grumpy. You should be
happy we're feeling better.

How can I be happy...
With that woman up there?

Hangin' around my neck
like an albatross.

Archie, you have to have
patience. That's the way
it is with the flu.

Sometimes it lasts
a couple of days, sometimes
you can be sick for a week.

God, work a miracle today,
will ya?

[ Maude ]
Are you sure you can manage?
[ Edith ] I'm fine, maude, now.

Here, look, Archie.
Look who's up.

[ Announcer ]
All in the family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.