02x05 - Flashback: Mike Meets Archie

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ guys like us
we had it made ♪

[ together ]
♪ those were the days ♪

♪ and you knew
where you were then ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ girls were girls
and men were men ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ mister, we could use a man ♪

♪ like Herbert hoover again ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ didn't need no welfare state ♪

[ Edith ]
♪ everybody pulled his weight ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ gee, our old lasalle
ran great ♪

♪ those were the days ♪

gee, ma, that's lovely.
Really, Michael and I
can't thank you enough.

Well, how often does
my only daughter...

Celebrate her first
wedding anniversary?

Just think, Archie.

Gloria and Mike have been
with us as man and wife
for one whole year.

Ain't that wonderful?

It's like celebrating
your th day
of a toothache.

Where is the meathead anyhow?

He ought to be here
with the food any minute.

Daddy, will you please
stop calling him names?

Tonight means something
to Michael and me,

so why don't you just
join in the spirit
of the celebration?

Yeah, it's their
first anniversary.

That's the paper
anniversary, ain't it?
Yeah.

Well, I'm right
in the spirit then.
I'm reading the paper.

Here's the food.
Oh, hi, Michael.
Happy anniversary.

Edith, tell them to cut that out
and bring the food over.

All right, Archie.
Okay, everybody, let's eat.

I'll get some nice bowls.
Never mind
the bowls, Edith.

Just dish it out.
It's getting cold
in the bag.

We got subgum chow mein.

We got sweet and sour pork,
some fried rice,

some egg rolls,
and what else?

We got some
egg foo Yung.
Smells good.

Let me fix
your plate, Archie.

I got my own plate,
and I'm fixing it
myself.

Where's
the sweet and sour?
Right over there.

The best way to eat this...

Is for everybody to taste
a little of everything.

That's your way, Edith.
It ain't mine.

Daddy, you're
hogging the rice.
Here it is.

Why don't you eat, Archie?

'Cause I ain't got
a fork, Edith.

The kids thought since
it's a special occasion
and it's Chinese food,

we'll all use chopsticks.

I don't care
if it's chinks.
I want a fork.

- Archie, it's Chinese food.
- That's what I said-- chinks.

And I ain't knocking
the Chinese people
by saying that.

It's just how I
and everybody I know
calls their food.

And their laundries.

Will you stay
out of this, huh?
That's what you call 'em.

Will you
stifle yourself?

Just the other day,
you told me to take your
shirts to the chinky laundry.

I don't care what I told you.

I'm telling you now,
I can't eat the food
with these chink pickup sticks,

so get me a fork.

Right away, Archie.
Gee, Archie.

How can you talk like that?
With one word,

you're putting away
an entire race of people.

Yeah, that's right.
And not just the Chinese.

The Laotians, the Cambodians,
the vietnamese, the Koreans--

hold it there, meathead.
I never called them
countries chinks.

No. He calls them gooks.

You said they're
all your yellow race.

They ain't exactly chinks,
but they're definitely
offshoots of your chinks.

They're what you
call chinkish.

Enough's enough.
I asked you not
to upset Michael and I.

- What am I doing?
- Why shouldn't he upset me?

Why is tonight any different?
Nothing's changed.

I've been putting up
with the same bull ever
since the first time I met him.

Don't remind me
of that, meathead,

because that night
is stamped "inedibly"
on my heart,

along with other
fond memories of the past...

Like pearl harbor
and the crash of the hindenburg.

I'll never forget
that night either.

Gloria was
so cute and excited,
running around,

and all because Mike was coming
to dinner for the first time.

Ma. Ma. I looked all over
and I can't find
the linen napkins.

They're ought to be
right there in that cabinet.

- I looked and they're not here.
- That's funny.

They were there when
I took 'em out a minute ago.

Gloria, here they are.
Thanks, ma.

Gee, they're beautiful.
Linen napkins.

Should I bring
the crabmeat cocktail
out now or wait till later?

Let's wait
till he comes.
Crabmeat cocktails.

I better check the oven.
We don't wanna overcook
the roast duckling.

Roast duckling.
Come on, Edith. What is this?

Daddy, would you
please put on this tie?

No, I won't put on no tie.

What's going on around here?
What are youse doing?

Linens napkins, when all
I ever get is paper towels.

Crabmeat cocktails,
whereas the best I usually
get is the canned fruit cup...

With the fruit cut up so small,
it looks like somebody
ate it before.

What's this roast duckling?

The last time your mother made
roast duckling for me was never.

Now you're telling me
to put on a tie.

What is it?
Who we entertaining here?
The count of monte "crisco"?

Daddy, you're jealous.

No, I ain't jealous.
I'm your father.
What are you talking about?

I just wanna know
why we're putting on
all this doll, that's all.

For one of them losers
of yours?

Like that little shrimpy guy
with the no chin, used to have
all them nosebleeds?

Arnold derosa.
Daddy, we were
years old.

Don't make no difference.
You was always picking
losers, always,

and I got a feeling
from the fuss
you're making now...

That this guy tonight
is gonna be the biggest
loser of them all.

How can you say that, daddy?
You haven't even
met him yet.

I don't wanna meet him.
What do you think of that?

You're not just fair. Ma!

Ma.
What is it, Gloria?

I got a feeling daddy's
gonna ruin everything
tonight. I just know it.

What do I do?
You really like
this boy, don't you?

Well, yeah.
A lot?

Yeah.

Would the word l-o-v-e
describe it?

Yeah.

Gloria, that's wonderful.

Does Michael have
a firm handshake?
Huh?

Your father likes a man
to have a firm handshake.

He says it's a sign
of character.

Ma, that's
ridiculous.
No, it's true.

I remember one time
when your father had
a terrible toothache,

so I took him
to the mcnab's dentist,
Dr. Marshall Herman.

And your father said
that shaking hands with him...

Was like shaking hands
with a wet washcloth,

and he wouldn't let
no limp wrist inside his mouth.

You know what he called
that dentist?

- What, ma?
- He called him the tooth fairy.

So, you see, if Michael
has a firm handshake,

you got nothing
to worry about.
[ Doorbell rings ]

Oh, ma, he's here.
Yeah.

Do I look all right?
You look lovely.

Archie, please be nice
to this boy.

It's very im--
Edith, I'm always nice.

Go let the jerk in.

Daddy, please.
And, please, the tie.

Yeah, Archie.
Here. Put the tie on.

Cut that out, Edith.
What do I have
to wear this for?

[ Rings ]
Coming!

Michael, where's your tie?

Well, I tried, Gloria,
but it doesn't look good
with an empty neck.

Look, Edith, he wore
his Halloween costume.

Put a tie on me.
Get rid of this thing here.

Come on over here
and meet my parents.

Ma, daddy,
this is Michael stivic.

Michael, this is
my mother, Mrs. bunker.

- Hi. How are you?
- How do you do?

And my father, Mr. bunker.

Daddy, this
is Michael stivic.

- Michael--
- all right, Gloria,
we done that.

I think we all know
who everybody is now.

I knew everybody before.

Except Mr. stivic.

So, uh, you're
Mr. bunker.

You figured
that out, huh?

Michael, shake his hand hard.
Daddy likes that.

Shake his hand, Archie.
Be nice. Go ahead.
Oh!

Come on.

All right, put 'er there.

Ow!

What the hell
kind of an animal
she bringing in here?

He has a lot
of character.

Mm, mm, mm,
mm, mm-mm-mm.

Why don't you two sit down
and get better acquainted...

While Gloria and me
finishing preparing the dinner.

That's some nice tie
your guest is wearing there.

Come on, Gloria.

How would you like
to try this here chair?
'Cause that one's mine.

Sorry.

What kind
of a name is stivic?
Huh?

Where you from?
Oh. Uh, Chicago.

I mean, what's
your nationality?

I'm an American.

I mean, where
are your people from?

They're from Poland.

That would
make you Polish then, huh?

Yeah.

Anything interesting
in the paper?
Yeah.

Two hundred arrested
at a Vietnam day
peace demonstration.

Two hundred. They
should've thrown the whole
bunch of them in the can.

Look at that picture there.
Here they are.

Throwing all kinds
of junk and "deebris"
at officers of the law.

Desecrating
on the American flag.

What the hell do them
peaceniks want anyhow?

Well, I think they just
don't like the idea...

Of America fighting
an illegal and immoral w*r.

Well, if they
don't like it,
they can lump it.

Take it down the road
and dump it.

You're saying,
"America, love it or leave it"?

That's right.
It's a free country,
so amscray.

Well, that would
include me too, Mr. bunker.

Then toodle-oo
to you too.

What would our leaving solve?

With or without protests,
this country would still
have the same problems.

What problems?

The w*r, the racial problem,
the economic problem,
the pollution problem.

Come on.
If you wanna nitpick--

nitpick? Let me tell you
something, Mr. bunker.

Let me tell you
something, Mr. stivic.
You are a meathead.

- What did you call me?
- A meathead.
Dead from the neck up.

Meathead.

Yeah, now I see what your idea
of a free country is.

You're free to say
anything you want, but
if anyone disagrees with you,

they're thrown into jail
or called a meathead, right?

That's right,
'cause this is America,
land that I love.

I love it too,
and it's because I do, I protest
when I think things are wrong.

Then stand
beside her...

And guide her...

The right to dissent
is the principle upon
which this country is based.

Through the night
with the light from above.

It's in the bill of rights.
From the mountains
to the prairies,

why do you think
we broke away from england
in the first place?

To the oceans,
white with foam.
We demanded freedom.

It's guys like you
who don't listen to reason.

God bless America,
you're not listening
to anything.

You dumb polack,
you're prejudice!
You're prejudice!

My home sweet home.

I'm leaving!
♪ God bless America ♪

you're prejudice!

Archie!
Get away from me.

♪ My home sweet home ♪

you were wrong.
Why can't you just admit it?

The one thing I don't
remember about that night...

Is how you got back
into this house
after I threw you out.

Will you stop fooling around
and get yourself a fork?

Archie, you never threw me out.
I walked out.

That's right. He went down
to the corner drugstore...

And phoned me
I don't know
how many times.

Every time I phoned,
he hung up on me,
saying it was the wrong number.

[ Ringing ]

Wrong number.

That was the third wrong number
in the last minutes.
It's Michael, isn't it?

What do you want
with that guy, Gloria?
He's a loser. Forget him.

I wanna marry that loser.

- You what?
- You heard me.

No. Are you kidding me?

A girl waits around
all her life for Mr. right
to come along,

and now she settles
for Mr. wrong-ski.

I'm gonna marry him, daddy,
no matter what you say
about him.

You can do anything you
want to try to stop me.
[ Phone rings ]

That's for me.
I'll get that.

Michael, darling, I love you.

I'm sorry about what happened
between you and daddy,

and I'm sorry you haven't
been able to get through
to me, and I'm sorry...

That I called you "sweetheart,"
Mr. kelsey.

Yes, I'll tell him.

Okay. Yeah. Good-bye.

I knew
that wasn't for you.

That was kelsey down
at the bar, right?
Yes.

He's coming over Friday
to watch the fights
with you and me like always.

Right, daddy. Now, listen--
it's gonna be some
fight Friday night.

Raphael Salazar
versus gaspar ruiz.

With a couple of names
like that, the tackle
meat's really gonna fly.

Daddy, I'm trying
to tell you something
about Michael and me.

You know what
makes them mexi-canos such
great scrappers in the ring?

It's from growing up
in a family.

They got to fight
over the one bowl
of refried beans.

Hey, put 'em up. See if
you remember anything...

I taught you
with your Dukes, huh?

Come on. Put 'em up.
Daddy, cut that out.
Daddy, don't.

Look out.
Stop it.

Daddy, I'm too old for this now.
I'm not your little girl
anymore.

Don't you never tell me that.

There's another man in my life.

Whether you wanna
hear it or not,

I love Michael,
and I'm gonna marry him,

even though he may never wish
to set foot in this house again.

I don't wanna see him
in this house no more.

Whenever anyone used
to ask me what kind of a guy
I wanted my daughter to marry,

I always said I don't care,

as long as she loves him
and he's white.

I'm adding a third condition.
He can't be that stivic guy.
Case is closed.

Ma! Ma!

What it is, Gloria?

How could everything
go so wrong?

Easy.

But life goes in circles,

and when things
get wrong enough,

then they start
getting right again.

I don't
believe that, ma.

Okay, but I'm still
basting the duck,

'cause if it's true,
I figure Mike will be back.
[ Doorbell rings ]

He's back.
You were right, ma.

Dry your eyes.
Oh, yeah.
Baste. Baste.

I thought there was
somebody at the door.

It's Michael out there,
isn't it?

There's a beard out there
with a nobody under it.

Ma!

Michael!
Gloria, I tried calling, but
he kept hanging up on me.

Now that you're here,
you're coming in, aren't you?

No, I'm not coming in.
He just slammed
the door in my face.

Michael, don't go.

Archie, please
let him come back in.
He's really a very nice boy.

Nice boy?
What do you
mean nice boy?

After he done what he done.
He coming in here...

And making
suppository remarks
about his country.

Then on top of that,
he's calling me prejudice.

Prejudice. While I'm
singing "God bless America,"

written by a well-known,
highly respectable
Jewish guy, Milton Berlin.

He's the kind of guy...

Who thinks that patriotism
is waving flags around
and singing songs...

Like "I'm a yankee
doodle dandy."

Written by George m. Cohan,
another one of your decent
hebes we're proud of.

I don't have
to stand for that.

Michael, no. You stay.
Archie, he's leaving.

If you let him leave,
I'll-I'll-I'll--
I'll-I'll-I'll what?

- I'll do something terrible.
- Like what?

I have to think about it.

But I will!

I can't talk to you now.
I'll talk to you tomorrow.
I got to go.

Mike, please stay.
Archie, please,
ask him back in.

That nice dinner
is gonna go to waste.

No, it won't, Edith.
We can eat it.

Archie, please.
Do it for me.
No. No.

Archie,
I never ask for much.

Please. For me?

All right, Edith.

Let him in, Gloria,
but just for dinner.

You give him
one plate of that duck
and then throw him out.

Thank you, Archie.

Michael, just
come in and sit down
and have a nice dinner.

All right.
I'll have dinner.

But I don't wanna talk to him.
Tell him it'll be
my pleasure.

Sit right down there
and we'll go get the dinner.

Stay right there.
We'll be right back.

Now, we're gonna start
with a nice crabmeat cocktail.

Then we're gonna have
a delicious roast duckling
that Gloria helped me cook.

- Oh, ma.
- Now, start right in.
Don't wait for us.

Well, um,

daddy, Michael's
a big baseball fan.
He follows the mets like you.

- Is that so?
- He says the mets are gonna
win the pennant this year.

The mets ain't gonna
win no pennant for ten,
twenty years, if then.

- Remember where you heard that.
- I don't know.

They got great pitching.
They got koosman and seaver
and a fantastic bench...

And that great platoon system
of gil Hodges.

You know something
about baseball, huh?

- Yeah. I really love the game.
- Well, so do I.

I bet you seen a lot
of the great ones, huh?

Yeah. Seen 'em all.

Ruth, gehrig, hubbell.
All of them. Way before
your time, of course.

Yeah, the game's changed a lot
since them days.

Live ball.

Live ball,
the expansion clubs.

Then, of course,
the biggest change
of all-- .

?

Yeah. That was the year
they let Jackie Robinson
into the majors.

Changed the whole
complexion of the game.

In more ways than one.

What do you mean by that?
We're about ready
for the duck now.

Wait a second.
What do you mean by that?

It threw the whole game
out of balance,
letting Robinson in.

You're saying that
the inferior black race...

Should not be given
a chance alongside
the superior white race?

Hold it, Mr. liberal meathead.
I never said nothing about
your inferior black race.

If you just let me finish.

- Daddy.
- Just the opposite,
if you let me finish.

All I'm saying is,
your coloreds is,
as is well-known--

they run faster,
they jump higher,
they don't bruise so easy.

And because
of their jungle heritage,
they see better.

- It's great for night games.
- You know something,
Mr. bunker?

At first I thought
I misjudged you.

And I was right.
I did misjudge you.

You're a lot more ignorant
than I thought.

You hear what he called me?
Ignorant. Well, let me
tell you something.

Sticks and stones
may break my bones,

but you are
one dumb polack.

That does it. That does it.
I don't care
what we talked about.

There's no way
I can spend four years
in this house with this man.

What did I just hear?

If you're gonna continue
school after we get married,

you're gonna have
to live here.

What did I just hear?
You're gonna get married
and live with us?

I know that's what we planned,
but if I spend four years
with him, I'm gonna go nuts.

Tell me what I just heard.
Michael, I just don't
see it any other way.

What the hell
is going on here?

They're gonna get married
and live with us.

And what am I
supposed to do,
join the Navy?

Archie, you know how you've
always prayed for a son.

Well, now your prayer
has been answered.

The good lord
must have heard you.

In years
he answers one prayer,
and this is it? Oh, no!

[ All arguing ]

Happy anniversary.

Thanks, ma.
Happy anniversary.
Happy anniversary.

Ah, geez.

Ain't that sweet, Archie?

Come on, Edith.
Cut the cake.

Oh, I can't. They got
to blow out the candle first.

What did you do that for?
It's our cake.

[ Announcer ]
All in the family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.