02x04 - Edith Writes a Song

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ guys like us
we had it made ♪

[ together ]
♪ those were the days ♪

♪ and you knew
where you were then ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ girls were girls
and men were men ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ mister, we could use a man ♪

♪ like Herbert hoover again ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ didn't need no welfare state ♪

[ Edith ]
♪ everybody pulled his weight ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ gee, our old lasalle
ran great ♪

♪ those were the days ♪

okay, what do
ya got, Gloria?

A pair of kings.

Small straight
to the seven.
What do ya got, ma?

Well, it's not very good.

It was real good
when I started out.

See, nine, nine, nine.

But the two you gave me
spoiled it all-- two queens.

It's a full house.
You won the game.
You won.

Really? Oh, my. Oh.

I better look at the stew.
Your father will be here
any minute.

We each owe a dime to the pot.
Okay, that's --
cents more.

Ma, we got it!
That's makes a total
of $ in the family pot.

- That means you can do it.
- Do? Do what?

Don't you remember
that mom wrote a song
a couple months ago?

- A song?
- You remember.

♪ Everyone is someone
if you love them ♪

yeah, I remember.

Why don't you read him
that letter you got from the
wish upon a star song company.

Oh, yeah, here it is.

"Dear Mrs. bunker--

"your poem, or as we say
in the business,

"your lyric--
[ Chuckles ]

"Has been accepted
by our panel of experts.

"As soon as we receive
your check for $
handling fee,

"your poem will be set
to music...

"By one of the many
top composers on our staff...

And on its way
to super stardom."

- Isn't it terrific?
- Edith!

Gloria, get the stew on.

Oh, hello, Archie.

How are you?
Hello. Hello.

How was your day?

It was a laugh riot.

One jolly moment
after the other.

That's why you see me
standing here like
the bluebird of happiness.

What's the matter, arch?
I've never seen you
so upset.

Oh, you never read
the papers, huh?

Don't you know
what's goin' on?

In here it says robberies
reported in queens district.

Two of them right
around here.

Yesterday Ryan's gas station
a couple of blocks away.

And today I'm passing old lady
crimski's bakery on the way
to the subway this morning.

What do you think I saw?
What they didn't do to her.

First of all
they robbed bucks
right out of her stocking.

Then just for spite,
they ruin the joint.

Cheesecake splashed
all over the walls.

Bagels rolling out
to the sidewalk.

I'm telling you,
we're livin' in a jungle,
that's what-- a jungle.

- But you know what I got?
- Malaria.

Funny, funny, funny.

The whole world is fallin'
apart and the meathead here
is makin' jokes.

Well, I'm takin' some action
beginning with this little
surprise right here.

You got a surprise, Archie?
We got a surprise too.

Save it, will ya.

Why don't you tell us
your surprise first?

I think I will, Edith.

See this here?
It looks like a regular little
tape recorder, don't it?

- But you know what that is?
- A save your home alarm system.

How'd you know that?

It says it right there
on the label--
save your home alarm system.

Well, labels
don't tell you nothin'.
I'll tell you what this is.

This is a save your home
alarm system.

Now, you hook this up
all over.

And if any burglar tries
to get in any door
or a window,

wait till you hear
what happens.

[ Dog barking
ferociously on tape ]

What are you laughin' at?
This is a serious thing here.

[ Barking continues ]

Huh? Ah, what do you
think of that?

Sounds like
a sweet old dog to me.

What are you
talkin' about, Edith?

This thing is proved.

This thing gives you
all the protection
of a real k*ller dog.

Now, come on.
Let's eat, huh?

Well, dinner's ready.
Come on, everybody.

Archie, how much did you
pay for that thing?

Five dollars down
to begin, and $ a week
to a total of bucks.

It's the cheapest home
insurance anywheres around.

Forty bucks?
Gee, it sounds like
law and order's big business.

Pass the salt, please?

Daddy, can mom tell you
about her surprise now?

Certainly. It's a free
country, ain't it?

Oh, I don't--

go on. Tell him, ma.

Well, Archie,

Gloria and me saw this ad
in a movie magazine.

It said,
"wanted, your poems.

Top composers
will set to music."

So I wrote a poem
and we sent it in.
And guess what.

They loved it.
Pass the salt.

He wasn't a bit surprised.

Why should I be surprised,
Edith? I always knew you
was a great "poetress,"

ever since that time
I was sick and you sent me
the get-well card.

I'll never forget it.
"Get well quickly.
Oh, please do.

'Cause I'm cryin',
boo-hoo-hoo."

So why should I be surprised
that them crooks
loved your poem?

Don't call 'em crooks, daddy.
They loved mom's poem
and they wanna set it to music.

Oh, sure. How much they
wanna hit you up for, Edith?

Only $ for handling fees.

Oh, please, Edith,
don't you see?
This thing is a con.

These guys open an office in a
different state every month to
keep one jump ahead of the cops.

Some of them go around
in mobile homes.

Besides, where you
gonna get the bucks
to begin with?

The family pot.
As of today,
there's $ in it.

Oh, the family pot.
Listen, the answer
to that is no.

Now that's for special
occasions, for emergencies.

I ain't gonna let no
shyster music company get
their hand into my pot.

Our pot, daddy.
Same thing,
same thing.

Archie.
Archie, wait a second.

Can I talk to you?
Man to man.

I once had a date
with this girl named Arlene.

Yeah? I once shared
an ice cream with
a midget. So what?

Archie, I'm serious.

This girl Arlene had me over
for dinner and she cooked me
this leg of lamb.

Now, I can't stand leg of lamb,
but it was important to this
girl that I like her cooking.

So I forced it down.
It was a small thing,
but it made her happy.

You see what
I'm trying to say?

You want me to tell Edith
not to serve leg of lamb.
That ain't it?

No!
Well, what the hell
is it then?

Archie, there are times
in your life when you shouldn't
rain on someone else's parade.

Geez, you sound
like a regular
Billy sol Graham there.

Archie--

the money from the family pot
should be used--

cut it.
Don't try to soft-soap me.

Now, you ain't talkin' me
into lettin' them blow
the family pot...

For no phony music company.
Archie.

Just a minute.
Come here. I wanna
show you something.

What is it?
I didn't say nothin' about this
when the women was here.

I didn't want them
getting excited
about anything.

Now take a look at this.

A g*n!
Shh! Shut up!
Will you keep quiet.

I don't want them to hear!

This ain't just a g*n.
This is a luger.

World w*r ii. That's
a terrific German w*apon.

Willie mears is gonna
sell me this for bucks.

Between this and the dog
we'll be protected.

You're gonna buy a g*n?
Shh!

Archie, I can understand
that dumb taped dog.
It can't hurt anybody.

But a g*n!
Will you dummy up, huh!

I don't want them
to get all upset in there.
Ma!

What are you doin'?
What are you doin'?
Gloria, come in here.

- What is it?
- Go on back out to the kitchen.
It's nothin'.

Archie wants
to buy a g*n.
What a fink!

That's right.
That's right.

A g*n?
Oh, my goodness!
A g*n? Where?

Right over here.
Get out of
my pocket there!

That's the reason he doesn't
wanna give you the money.
He wants it to buy a g*n.

- Archie!
- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

What is wrong with that?

I am interested in
the protection of my home--
the defense of my family.

Oh! Oh, that's
terrific. Yeah.

You're gonna buy
a taped dog and a g*n.
That's $ for defense...

Against only $
for the song.
[ Archie ] Right.

Archie, when it's a question
of the destructive man
versus the creative man,

the creative man always
gets the shaft.

The shaft? Is that anything
like the Oscar?

Daddy, are you really
gonna buy a g*n?

I'm doin' it for youse.

[ All chattering at once ]

Wait a minute, everybody.
Quiet down 'cause I'm gonna
tell you something.

The discussion is over.

No! Not according
to the rules of
the family pot.

The use of the family pot
shall be determined
in a Democratic way...

By a majority vote
of the members of this family
and assigned by all of us.

I don't care what that says.
I'm gonna buy that g*n.

When it comes to defense,
democracy's gonna have to wait.

You're impossible, daddy.

But you signed the rules too,
and they say we should vote.

All right, go ahead then
and vote away your property.

Vote away your homes,
your valuables,
perhaps your very lives.

All those in favor of using
the money from the family pot
for the song, say aye.

Aye.
All those opposed,
say nay.

- I ain't gonna vote.
- Then the ayes have it.

The money goes for the song.
That's right. And you gotta
give back the g*n.

Come on, now. Come on.
Get away from me!

It makes me so happy.
Get away from me,
all of youse.

Come on, daddy.
You won't regret it when
the song becomes a big hit.

Oh, yeah, sure.
Let me tell you somethin'.

When the first burglar
breaks into this house...

And youse all turn to me
and holler, "do something!"
You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna turn right around back
and say, "sing, Edith."

[ Windowsill creaking ]

[ Taped dog barking ]

Here, doggy.

[ Barking continues ]

Here, doggy.

Where you at, doggy?
Here, poochy.
[ Whistles ]

Here, little pooch.
Come on to papa, doggy.

Here, little pooch.

Here he is, Horace.

[ Barking stops ]

Bye-bye, doggy.

Another electric dog, man.

Somebody must be makin'
a whole lot of money off these
white folks with these things.

Be funny if the cat
was black.

The fuzz is still
buzzing, man.

We're gonna have to hang out
here for a little while.

Whoo! Would you look
at this dump?

Yeah, man, how can
they live like this?

The paint's peelin',
the furniture's fallin'
all apart,

but they all got
that fancy color tv sittin'
right in the middle of it.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Well, man, you know they've
got to have somethin'...

To keep their mind
off of their misery.

You know, everybody can't be
as affluent as we is.

[ Sniffs ]
What's the matter?

Ain't that somethin'?
What?

Take a sniff.

[ Sniffs ]
Yeah?

White people's homes
all got that funny smell.

[ Ringing ]

You wasn't expectin'
no call, was you?

No, man. I didn't even know
I had a phone.

Lookit here. You check out
the kitchen and I'll check out
the phone, all right?

Hello? Who?
Mr. bunker?

Oh, I'm sorry.
Mr. bunker's indisposed
at the moment.

Oh, this is
the family physician.

Dr. black.

Oh, nothing serious.
He'll be just fine.

Uh-huh. What was that? Oh.

Mrs. bunker,
did you hear that?

Your neighbor Mr. mcnab
just called and said that
two fellas just robbed--

what was that, Mr. mcnab?

Oh. Two jigaboos...

Just robbed Morgan's
jewelry store...

And they're hiding somewhere
in the neighborhood.

Yes, I'll tell him.
Good-bye.

Hey, what you got
there, man?
Electric appliances.

Man, what these white folks
won't waste their money on.

[ Man chattering ]
Let's go out
the back door.

No, no, cops.
Up the stairs. Come on.

[ Archie ]
Hold it, Edith.
Don't open the door.

[ Edith ] Why not?
First I gotta turn off
the dog alarm.

Oh.
Go ahead.

I wanna tell you something.
That was one of the funniest
moving pictures I ever seen.

I can't believe it.
He finally liked a movie
we recommended.

Well, certainly I liked it.

It wasn't one of them nowaday
ones with everybody jumpin' into
bed three and four at a clip.

This wasn't a dirty picture.
It was a funny picture.

Buster keaton, one of
the funniest guys ever.
I nearly--

you remember when he took
the brass spittoon, he put it
down over that guy's head?

Now that's funny enough,
but when he reaches for
that ball bat...

And goes bongo, bongo, bongo,
I thought I wet my drawers.

You Mr. bunker?
Bunker, yeah.

Well, your neighbor
Mr. mcnab--
mcnab?

Yeah. Mcnab called to tell you
that two jigaboos just robbed...

Morgan's jewelry store
and they hidin'
in the neighborhood.

Hi. How are ya?

And in the house
that they's hidin' in...

They just picked up
a few odds and ends...

Just to keep
from being shiftless.

- You got any questions?
- No, I got no questions.

I got a question.
Will you
stifle yourself!

I was wondering what happened
to my husband's k*ller dog.

Oh, the dog.

You know, I'm afraid we had
to put the dog to sleep.

You ain't mad at us?

No, no, no.
Look out with that g*n there.

Man, I wouldn't sh**t you
with your own g*n.

Daddy, you promised
you wouldn't buy that g*n.

You said you were
gonna give it back.

I didn't have no chance
to give it back to Willie.

Anyway, I hope youse all
understand now the meaning
of havin' a g*n in the house.

I understand.

If the g*n wasn't here,
they wouldn't have it.

Now-- now that makes sense.
Yeah, you're
a smart lady.

Look, fellas,
a man-to-man talk here.
Could we make a deal?

I mean, like you guys take
your stolen property...

And you just go
and we don't give you
no trouble.

Oh, ain't that nice?

Now, he wouldn't want us
to go out there...

'Cause he knows the whole
neighborhood is crawlin'
with the cops, would he?

No.

No.

No.

Oh, man, you know what?
She's something else.

You're telling me.

Well, now,
y'all take it easy.

Until the cops
quit their crawlin',
we gonna be y'all's houseguests.

So the best thing
for all of us to do
is just relax...

And make the best of it.

Great. My name is Mike stivic
and this is my wife Gloria
and these are my in-laws--

what are you doin'?

This ain't no church social.
Sit down there.

We gonna make you
the monitor.
Yeah, okay.

These guys don't wanna
socialize with us any more than
we wanna socialize with them.

[ Both ]
What'd you say?

I mean, it's a well-known fact
that youse colored guys...

Would just as soon
stick around with your own
kind up there in Harlem.

Is that so?
That's what I always heard.

Oh, Horace.

Look what we done found here.

Uh-huh. A genuine,

% dyed in the wool bigot.

No, no, no.
No, no, no.

Yes. Come on.
Say something bigoted, baby.
Wait a minute.

Now, that's wrong.
I ain't no bigot.

I'm the first guy to say
it ain't your fault
that youse are colored.

That's number one!
That's number one!

[ Excited chattering ]

Hold it, hold it.
Come on, guys.

You see, he doesn't understand.
He associates the crime
and the stealing...

With the fact that you guys
are black and not with the
underlying social causes.

Oh.

Then you must be a liberal.

Well, man, we done found us
a genuine liberal...

And an honest-to-God bigot.

Now you can't beat that.

Come on, guys.
Hold it.

You're putting me on now.
All I meant was that...

He doesn't understand
what living in the ghetto
can do to a man.

And you do?

Well, I'm studying it
in my sociology class.

He's studying it
in his sociology class.

I got to talk to you.
Sit right down here.

I got my professorship
in sociology, you know.

You know, where I live
all eight of us slept
in one room together.

Eight? There was of us
in one bed.

You had a bed?

- My father--
- you had a father?

We ain't never had
no father, did we?

Yeah. No. I mean--

well, man, look it here.

I'm gonna tell you,
you should have called us
and borrowed one of ours.

We did, but he's dead.

See, he's runnin'
for a bus and a cop fired
a warning shot in his head.

Well, you think that's bad?

We had a sister
that got bitten by a rat.
Oh, yeah?

Yeah, a baby rat
about that big.

Well, we didn't
have no rats.
No rats?

No, the roaches
ate 'em all up.

Well, man, we didn't
have no roaches.
How come?

We didn't have no food.

Well, that ain't nothin'.

Now, we didn't have no heat,
no runnin' water,

no gas
and no electricity.

- Well, what you do?
- Well, we just stood
around saying,

"where is everything?"

[ Excited chattering ]

I don't know how
you can laugh...

Through all that misery.

Practice, lady.
Practice.

Well, why don't we all
eat something?

I could make some sandwiches.
That sounds like
a good idea.

Good idea, mom.
Gwendolyn, I would
like a spot of tea.

We have another
teapot in the kitchen.
What's this?

Cash!
You can't have it!

I beg your pardon?

Who's the crook here?

That money is going
to the wish upon a star
song company tomorrow.

You see, I wrote a poem
and they're gonna
make it into a song.

Everyone is someone--

Edith, don't sing that song.

- Oh, you don't wanna
hear the song?
- No.

In that case,
we gonna hear the song.

Come on and sing.
Oh. Oh, no.
I-I couldn't.

Oh, well,
you worried about the money?

Now, if you sing the song,
you can have the money.

Hey, coke. The cops is gone.
We can bug on out now.

No, man, I wanna see
this floor show before I go.

Come on and sing.
Well, it's just my own
made-up melody.

Oh, well, that's just fine.
Come on and sing. Yeah.

Go on, ma.
Sing it for him.

[ Clears throat ]

♪ Everyone is someone
if you love them ♪

♪ love can make a hero
from a chump ♪

♪ love can make a useless man
seem useful ♪

♪ love can grow a flower
from a dump ♪

♪ if you dare to reach out
to a stranger ♪

♪ you may find
you've found a friend indeed ♪

♪ 'cause everyone is someone ♪

♪ if you love them ♪

♪ 'cause love is something
everybody needs ♪

here, here.
Oh, thank you.

Yeah. Yeah.

Ohh, Archie.

Yeah, you know,
I must tell you
one thing, lady.

That sure was
a bad song.

But I like you.
Say, man, bring the electric
utensils on over here.

What you gonna do?
I'm gonna give
her things back here.

Stealing from her would be like
stealing from my mother.

We've done that, coke.

Oh, man, I was
ten then. Here.

You're a lucky man.
That's a very nice lady. Yeah.

And lookit here.
This is a dangerous thing.

Somebody could get hurt
with that. Here.

Be cool, baby. Be cool.
We'll see y'all. Bye now.

Well, Archie, what are
you gonna do now?

Buy a Cannon?

There ain't nothin'
to do now.

I could have done
somethin' before, but
I didn't have the g*n!

If I had, maybe somethin'
different would have
happened around here.

Archie, come on!
Geez!
Dad!

[ Indistinct chattering ]

You hear that?
What are you gonna
do with them?

They never learn.

Hey, look at this.
"Nabbed two in queens
jewel heist."

Hey, must be them
two guys that was here.

Archie, got a surprise
for you.

We fixed your burglar alarm in a
way that no crook is ever gonna
set foot in this house again.

Lionel, no.
You can take that dog
for a long walk.

Archie, wait a second.
You gotta hear this.

♪ [ Fanfare ]

[ Edith ]
♪ everybody's someone
if you love them ♪

♪ love can make a hero
from a chump ♪

♪ [ continues ]
Now that might work.

[ Man ] All in the family
was recorded on tape
before a live audience.