02x03 - Archie and the Lock-Up

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ guys like us
we had it made ♪

[ together ]
♪ those were the days ♪

♪ and you knew
where you were then ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ girls were girls
and men were men ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ mister, we could use a man ♪

♪ like Herbert hoover again ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ didn't need no welfare state ♪

[ Edith ]
♪ everybody pulled his weight ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ gee, our old lasalle
ran great ♪

♪ those were the days ♪

what the hell is
going on down here?

Oh, good morning, arch.
I hope the noise
didn't disturb you.

Oh, no. I enjoyed it.

That's why I came downstairs,
so I could hear it better.

What are you doing?

Oh, geez.

"Peace, yes.
Pentagon, no."

Boy, you sure know
how to start my day out,
don't you?

Hey, Edith.
Yeah, Archie!
Here's your coffee.

This meathead here
is aggravatin' me
on an empty stomach.

Maybe that's because
you haven't had
your breakfast yet.

You figured that out,
huh, Edith?

Yeah.
Well, maybe
there's something
you could do about it.

Well, I could get you
your breakfast.

You're a pip, Edith.

Now, where you goin'
with the coffee?
Oh, I'm sorry, Archie.

Here. I'll get you
your eggs right away.

I painted another one,
Michael. See?
And it's dry now.

Oh, yeah, good.
Oh, another one.
Let me look at this here.

"Stop the military
from wagin' w*r on us."

Now, what are you doin',
involving her in one of
your pinko protests?

Oh, don't worry, arch.
She's gonna stay home.

She's gonna
type up my term paper.
She's not comin' with me.

And it isn't
a pinko protest, daddy.

Well, what do you
call it then?

It just happens to be
one of the biggest
student demonstrations...

Against Pentagon control
of our government
this city has ever seen.

Ah, geez.
And what's more,
I'm proud of my husband.

At least he takes some
responsibility for what's
going on in this world.

What about work?

That's one of the things
going on in this world.

When is he gonna
take some responsibility
for that?

Daddy, he's busy
with his books
and his studying--

yeah, and all that
commie crapola.

Get that treason
off of my chair.

Arch, when are you gonna
stop with this commie jazz?

It's all over, arch.
The red scare's kaput.

Nixon's going to Peking,
remember?

Hold it, buddy.
He ain't there yet.

What's that
supposed to mean?

Five presidents
have been warnin' us
for the last years...

Against them red chinks.

Now, nobody is gonna tell me
that the signals is off now...

And a billion enemies
is now our friends.

Oh, no. Mr. Nixon has got
somethin' up the sleeve.

Yeah, like recommending
they be admitted
to the u.N.

Oh, that'd be the day when
this country sits down...

With a nation of
chink ping-pong players
who don't believe in God.

Daddy! Then why is
Nixon going there...

If he doesn't intend
to recognize them?
Right!

Listen, in the first place,
he can't recognize 'em.

They all look alike.

And in the second place,
you mark my words.

He's got some--
what do you call--
grand strategy there...

That he can't "revulge"
to us as yet.

That's what it is.
I mean, otherwise,
the past years,

the whole country
should've stood in bed.

[ Sniffs ]
Geez, these sinuses
are m*rder.

They fog up my whole head.

Well, that explains
everything.

Funny. Funny!

Here's your breakfast,
Archie.

Hey, Edith, let me ask you.
Did you open the bedroom
window last night?

Did I open the window?

Are your sinuses
bothering you?
Yeah.

Your head all clogged up
and you can hardly breathe?

- Yeah.
- Then I opened the window.

Breakfast, everybody!

Oh, ma, I hope you don't
mind if I eat fast,

but I don't wanna
get there late with the signs.

Oh, what happens
if you get there late,

you gotta bring a note
to your commissar?
Ha ha.

All this marchin'
and protestin',
what does it get you, huh?

Last week you was
marchin' against poverty.

That's right, because last week,
millions of Americans
went to bed hungry.

Tell 'em not to march.
They won't work up
such a big appetite.

I don't know why
you're so upset, Archie.

I remember when
you used to picket.

That was different, Edith.

I was walkin' a picket line
for my union,

and I wasn't out
screamin' in the streets,
blockin' traffic.

When we picketed,
we done it
the American way:

On the sidewalks,
dressed nice,

walkin' up and down
with our signs,
peaceful, no v*olence.

Except when somebody
crossed the line.

Then you broke his head.

It's the only way
to teach a scab
a lesson.

That was not
v*olence, Edith.
That was education.

Besides, if you people think
you're gonna get somewhere
with your type of protest,

I'm telling ya,
youse are dreamin'!

I was dreaming
last night.
Ah, geez.

I dreamed--
[ Laughs ]

You'll never believe this.

Good. Then there
ain't no point
in tellin' it.

I wanna hear the story, ma.
Tell me.
[ Edith laughs ]

I was in
the miss America contest!
[ Laughing ]

Who were you, Edith?
Bert parks?

No! Even Bert parks
wasn't Bert parks.

He was senator proxmire.

I don't know
who senator proxmire is,

but I kept hearing his name
on the radio all day yesterday.

And it's one of those words.

"Proxmire, proxmire, proxmire,
proxmire, proxmire."

Well, anyway, there I was,

this beautiful girl
in a bathing suit.

Oh, you were there too,
Archie.

Another beautiful girl
in a bathing suit.

Funny, funny.

Leave me out of
your dreams, will ya?
Oh, I can't, Archie.

You were one of the judges,
and that made me feel better...

'Cause I knew I could
count on Archie's vote
come hell or high water.

"Hell or high water"?
Ma, I never heard you use
an expression like that.

That was the theme song.
You sang it to me, Archie,

in the rowboat
just before you kissed me.

♪ Come hell or high water
I'll vote for you ♪
Edith, Edith!

Please, please!
If you got any
pity in you at all,

no more
musical dreams, huh?
[ Doorbell rings ]

That's probably Lionel.
Right on time.

Be right there, Lionel!

Hey, come on in.
How's it going?

Hi, Lionel.
Would you like
a cup of coffee?

No, thanks, Mrs. bunker.
No, ma. We gotta
get goin'. Let's go.

I don't know if I'm in
that big a rush, Mike.

I've been thinking
about passin' up
this demonstration.

Hey, hey,
what's this I hear?

Here's a guy that knows
his onions over here.

You know, youse people
got more brains than they
give youse credit for, Lionel.

Hey, Lionel, how come
you changed your mind?

'Cause he's smart,
that's why, meathead.

Minorities like Lionel, they
gotta be careful about calling
attraction to themselves.

You know, there are
some whites that got it in
for your coloreds.

That's why your coloreds
have to behave better.

They gotta act nicer.
They gotta try harder.

Yeah, that's right.
We's like avis.
Check.

Look, Mike,
the reason I was thinkin'
of not goin' is,

see, I was talkin'
to my cousin Spencer
on the police force--

hey, Lionel, I didn't know
you had a cousin a cop.
I never heard that.

Yeah, well,
he the white sheep
of the family.

Anyway--

anyway, Spencer's been
called to a special detail
down at the u.N.

There's a couple
of big groups gonna be
counterprotesting,

- and they're expecting
some trouble.
- Maybe you better not go.

Gloria, I gotta go.
I promised I'd be there.
Come on, Lionel.

Leave him alone!

Why should he go down there
and picket the military?

The military's been
damn good to his people--

taking 'em off the streets,
giving 'em three squares
a day, lotta fancy uniforms.

Allowing 'em
to die in Vietnam.

Well, now, Lionel, you gotta
take the bad with the good.

Archie, good is not spending
over cents out of every
dollar on the military.

The military gives jobs.

How's his people gonna find work
if you cut off them jobs
at the source?

But, Archie, I don't want
the source of jobs
to be the military.

That's just the kind of thinking
I'm going downtown to protest.

Yeah, well,
he ain't going with you.
Yes, I am.

Huh?
You convinced me to go.

How'd I do that?
Just logic, Mr. bunker.

I mean,
you got it up here.

You ready, Mike?
Yeah.

Michael, Michael,
please don't go.

Gloria, honey, don't worry.
Everything's gonna
be all right.

Talk to you later.
Come on, Lionel.
Bye, everybody.

Oh, thanks for
straightening me out,
Mr. bunker.

[ Door closes ]

That Lionel's a funny kid.
Sometimes I can't dope him out.

Ma, I'm worried.
I don't think
he should've gone.

He could get hurt
or arrested.

Listen, listen, nobody gets
arrested in this country
unless they deserve it.

If he don't go
callin' cops "pigs"...

Or none of them
other epaulettes,
he'll be all right.

[ Phone ringing ]

Hello. Oh, hello,
Mrs. Jefferson.

No, no. He just left
with Michael.

Oh?

Oh, yeah?

Oh, don't worry.
I'm sure they'll be
all right. Bye.

Ma, that was
Lionel's mother.

She said Spencer called,
and they put on extra
police down at the u.N.

They're expecting
big trouble.

Oh, my!
Daddy, will you
run after Michael...

And stop him before
he gets on the subway?
He's already at the subway.

Well, then go down to the u.N.
And bring him home.

Are you kiddin'?
Me go to a commie
demonstration?

Wild hornets
couldn't drag me there.

Ma, get daddy to do it,
please? I'm scared.

You better go down there.
Why don't she go
down there herself?

Because he won't like
my interfering. I know him.
He won't even listen to me.

Do you think he's gonna
listen to me? I've been
living with him a year,

he ain't heard
a word I said yet.

Daddy, I've seen it
on the newsreels.

They beat those kids with clubs
and they haul 'em into jail...

Like they were--
hold it, hold it.

Never the good kids.
Only the troublemakers.

No. In Washington.
I saw it on tv.

Why, they took
hundreds of 'em in...

Who just seemed to be
standin' watchin'.

Edith, that was Washington.

This is New York.

Daddy, listen,
if Michael gets arrested,

they'll book him
and fingerprint him
and it'll be on his record,

and then when he goes
to look for a job--

when? When? When?

All right. All right.
Since I don't have a father,
I'll do it myself.

And what's that
supposed to mean,
you ain't got a father?

I said I'll go
down there myself.
No! Now, Gloria, wait, please!

Archie, it's too dangerous.
Don't let her do it.

What kind of talk
is that out of her,
she don't have a father?

Well, maybe she means
she don't have one
when she needs one.

And what are you doin',
takin' her part?
Yeah.

I'm going!
And I'm going with you!

What do you mean, you're going?
Who's gonna make lunch
around here?

Come on, ma.
We'll find him.

Hold it. H-hold it!
Hold it!

Now youse ain't goin'.
[ Both ]
Yes, we are!

No, youse ain't goin'
'cause I'm goin'.

Oh, daddy,
thank you.
Thank you, Archie.

Forget about that.
No thanks required.

I'm gonna miss
that ball game
on television today.

I'm gonna miss my lunch,
not that anybody cares.

Oh, we care, daddy.
Get away from me.

Oh!

What's the matter, Gloria?

Ma, they should've
been home by now.

Oh, now, Gloria,
don't worry.

I'm sure Mike
is all right.
Let's turn on the tv.

Maybe there's some news.
Oh, the news ain't on now.

Now you got
bright promise, secret storm
and the newlywed game.

But if something was happening,
they'd break into the program
with a special bulletin.

Oh, I don't think
they're allowed to break in
on the newlywed game.

Sit down, Gloria.
Now, let's talk about
something else,

something that'll
take your mind off Mike.
I don't think I can, ma.

Gloria, do you remember
tubby Mr. Murdoch?

Tubby Mr. Murdoch.
We used to live
next to them...

On union street
when I was about .

That's right,
in the apartment that
always smelled like vinegar.

Yeah.
Well, if I was
to tell you a secret...

About tubby Mr. Murdoch
and your father...

And a lie I told this morning.

- You told a lie this morning?
- Yeah, in my miss America
beauty contest dream.

Tubby Mr. Murdoch
wasn't in the dream.

Yes, he was.
[ Giggles ]

He was the one that
kissed me in the rowboat,
not your father.

[ Laughing ]

Ma, no!

His kiss was very vinegary.

Not tubby Mr. Murdoch!

I had to say
it was your father...

Because if he ever heard
that anybody else kissed me
in a rowboat,

even in a dream,
he'd have a fit!

He sure would!
That's funny!

I'm glad you liked it.

And see how it
took your mind off Mike?

Oh, Gloria, I'm sorry.
Oh, Michael.

Let me fix you a cup of tea.
That'll make you feel better.

All right, ma.

Michael!
Where have you been?

Look at your shirt!
What did they do to you?
What happened?

Well, Gloria, it--

first, it started out
peaceful. You know,
we just sort of,

you know, marching up and down
in front of the u.N.

But then this other group
comes along and they start
protesting against us.

And then this guy from
this other group jumps up
on his buddy's shoulders,

rips open his shirt,
and right there it says,

"America.
Love it or leave it."

A real tattoo burned
right into his chest.

And then a guy
from our group jumps up,
and he says, "oh, yeah?

Well, we love it,
so why don't you leave it?"

And then, before
you know it, Gloria,
there's food and rocks...

And bottles flying
all over the place
like you can't believe it.

And then the cops
started comin' in, and
there were hundreds of 'em.

So Lionel and I,
w-we started to run,

but just as we turned around,
Gloria, standing there,
right in front of us,

was the biggest,
tallest, meanest cop...

With this gigantic head
and a face like ed Sullivan.

And just as he was
about to grab us,

from out of nowhere
comes this naked lady.
A naked lady?

Yeah! There was this
beautiful naked lady,

and she comes
right up to ed Sullivan,

jumps in his arms
and punches him
right in the face.

Couldn't believe it.
But Lionel and I figured
this is our chance to get away,

so we dropped down
to our knees, and we start
crawling out of there...

Between hundreds of legs
as fast as we could
and we escaped.

Do we have any cheese?

I'm hungry.
Oh, yeah.
I'll get it right away.

Oh, Mike!
Where's Archie?

- Archie?
- Michael, I forgot to tell you.

I sent daddy down there
to look for you.

Why?
'Cause I was worried.

Yeah, but, Gloria,
how could he find me?

I mean, the place
was a madhouse.

People running around,
yelling screaming.

The cops
arresting everyone.

Oh, boy.

Aw, geez!

Officer! Officer!
Officer, get me
out of here!

You again? I told you before,
bunker, I don't want
any more trouble from you.

Officer, come here
a minute, huh? Hey.

Look at this here.
So?

What do you mean, so?
That's the American flag
there.

Very nice. How much?

I don't wanna sell it.
This means I'm an American.

So am I. So were they.

Yeah, but I ain't
one of them. I was just
an innocent stand-byer.

Are you trying to tell me
that police arrest
innocent citizens?

I never said that.

And I thought you said
you was an American.
I am.

Then don't be hidin'
behind the American flag...

In order to smear the police.

Overpaid knucklehead.

[ Inhaling ]
[ Groaning ]

Ah, leave me alone with that.

Ohh!

Ohh!

Hey, man, you're gonna
blow your mind
sniffin' that stuff.

Huh?
Bad trip, baby.
Real bummer.

That stuff is worse
than droppin' acid.

What the hell
are you talkin' about?

Stick with grass, man.
It's organic.

It's sniffin' that
that's makin' you
so hostile.

This here is medicine, buddy.
It's all medicine.

That cat's gonna
blow holes in his head.

Don't do that to yourself,
brother.

♪ [ "Jesus Christ superstar" ]

Huh?
Put that away, brother.

Take a trip with God.
What are you
talkin' about?

♪ Jesus Christ superstar ♪
I'm talkin' about
the Jesus trip, brother.

Hey, let me ask you.
Is that noise comin' off
of you somewhere?

Oh, geez!
Turn that racket off, huh?

♪ Jesus Christ
superstar ♪
racket? No.

That's "Jesus Christ superstar,"
brother. It's Sunday.

I know it's Sunday,
and that ain't Sunday music.

It's unreligious.
Now, turn it off, huh?

You mean,
you actually don't dig
"Jesus Christ superstar"?

Jesus Christ I dig,
and I dug him a long time
before you weirdos...

Turned him into
a superstar.

Now will you
get that away from me
and turn it off!

♪ [ Stops ]
Brother, you walk in darkness.

All over the world,
this music is turning
young people on to Christ.

Praise the lord!
Amen!
Right on!

And you condemn it.
Let me
tell you something.

Christ don't want you
turnin' on to him.

He wants you
comin' to him
on your knees,

not wigglin' and jigglin'
till your parts fall off.

Oh, look at this now!
[ Wailing ]

Beautiful!
Bunch of creeps!

What's the use
in talkin' to youse?
What a generation!

We try to learn youse somethin',
try to teach you some religion,

drag youse off to church,
and what do you do?

You give us back the son of God
like he's some kind of
engelbert what's-his-dinck.

[ Murmuring ]
Oh, it ain't no use.
Get away from me!

Get away from me!
Get lost! Hey, officer!
Get me out!

Quiet down! You too, bunker!
I can't stay in here
no more!

I was just comin' to get you.
You're kiddin'.
I'm gettin' out?

You're gettin' out.
Let me out of here.

Hey, how about me?

Ah, gee, am I glad to be
seein' the last of youse!

We'll meet again,
brother!
[ Yelling ]

You wanna sign
these release papers?
Yeah, sure.

Sergeant,
is my father all right?

Don't worry, little lady.
He's fine.
There you go.

"Stivic." You Polish?

Yeah. Why?

Glad to you know ya.
Pulaski. Paul pulaski.

Oh, hi. How are ya?
Yeah.
What, were you born here?

Yeah, but my folks
came from Kraków.

No kiddin'. That's where
my old man comes from.

Yeah? Hey,
how do you like that!

Here he is, sarge.
Oh, daddy!
Are you all right?

How'd you get here?
Tryin' to find
your husband.

Well, they can't arrest you
for that, can they?

The sarge is waitin'
to see you, bunker.

Try not to be the jerk
you was inside, huh?

Callahan!

Who do you think
you're talkin' to?

Now apologize to Mr. bunker.

But, sarge,
all I said was--

all right. I apologize.

Sorry about that, Mr. bunker.
That's all right, sarge.
No hard feelings.

I was always a friend
to the cops,

even that time when you was
threatenin' to go on strike
and everybody hated your guts.

Always supported them.
I always said, "this city
would be a jungle...

- If it wasn't for
New York's finest.
- Well, we try.

That's what I try to keep
telling this dumb polack
son-in-law of mine.

This dumb what?

Polack.
[ Chuckles ]

Say it a little louder, arch.

Sgt. Pulaski didn't hear you.

Uh-oh! I got a little
bad news for you, bunker.

I'm not at all sure
that your release papers
are in perfect order.

Callahan!
Sarge, uh--

now, bunker,
I hope you realize that
a big, dumb polack like me...

Could easily
make a mistake, right?

Yeah, sarge?

Oh, Callahan, would you
take these papers down
to officer Murphy...

And have 'em typed up
all over again.

Officer Murphy?
The one who types
with one finger?

That's right.
And have him be
ever so careful.

Right, sarge.

Don't worry, bunker.
With any luck at all,

you should be out within
three or four hours.

Here's your beer, Archie.

And another sandwich, daddy,
just the way you like it.

I wanna tell youse all
you got a lot
to answer for.

Especially you, meathead.
It was all your fault.

- Me? What did I do?
- You was born a polack.
That's what you did.

That's why I had to stay
in that station house
for three hours,

starin' at that
big, dumb sergeant
'cause you didn't warn me.

What did you
want me to do, arch?

Send up a signal flag saying,
"shut your dumb mouth.
Sgt. Pulaski's Polish"?

Instead of
being mad at Michael,
you ought to thank him.

- He bailed you out.
- How much the bail bond
cost us?

- Nothin'.
- What do you mean, nothin'?

Them bondsmen don't hand over
their shekels for nothin'.

Yeah, but I didn't go
to a bail bondsman.

I got the money
from the freedom fund.

- The which?
- It's money used to free
protestors who get arrested.

You're out of jail courtesy
of your friends, arch--

the pinkos, the meatheads
and the freaks.

[ Announcer ]
All in the family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.