02x02 - Gloria Poses in the Nude

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ guys like us
we had it made ♪

[ together ]
♪ those were the days ♪

♪ and you knew
where you were then ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ girls were girls
and men were men ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ mister, we could use a man ♪

♪ like Herbert hoover again ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ didn't need no welfare state ♪

[ Edith ]
♪ everybody pulled his weight ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ gee, our old lasalle
ran great ♪

♪ those were the days ♪

okay, "zoo."

That's a double word score--
points.
Ohh.

[ Chuckles ]
Oh! Oh, my.

What is it, ma?

It's just another one of
those "most unforgettable
characters I ever met."

This man's writing about
a woman who lived in Vermont.

Seems to me
they all lived in Vermont.

What was so unforgettable
about her, ma?

Well, she lived in this house
for years with a big porch,

and it was right where
all these roads came together.

Everybody stopped
and asked her for directions.

But why'd the man
find her so unforgettable?

Well, she was his grandmother.

Oh.

[ Phone rings ]

I'll get it.

On his father's side.

Hello?

Szabo!
Mike, it's szabo!

Oh, yeah?
[ Gloria ]
What?

Oh, that's wonderful.

He's having a new
showing next month.
Oh, great!

He wants to know
if he can come over
for a drink.

Let me talk to him.

Hey, szabo! Hey!
Where are you?

That's only a few minutes
from here. Come over.

Yeah. All right.

Yeah, okay. Bye.

Who's coming over?

Szabo daborba.
Mike's friend, the artist.

He's an old friend of mine
from Chicago.

He started painting
a couple years ago, and now
he's the hottest painter around.

I'll show you.
We've got one of his old
brochures here from his show.

Clean up. He's gonna
be here any second.
You're gonna love this guy.

Look, ma. "The paintings
of szabo daborba."

Oh, isn't that nice?

Oh, hi, daddy.

Well, you're home.

You can tell that,
huh, Edith?

You see me come in,
throw down my bowling ball,
hang up my hat and coat...

And just like that
you know I'm home.

Plus, there's the sound
of your voice.

Yeah, there's that too.

How'd you bowl
tonight, arch?

I bowled perfect games,
a new world's record.

That's why I come home
feeling so good.

You got the heart of a m*rder*r,
asking me a question like that.

What do you got there,
Edith?

"The paintings
of szabo daborba,"
Mike's old friend from Chicago.

We practically
grew up together.

He's stopping by
for a drink
in a few minutes.

Geez, I can hardly wait.

Aren't you gonna look
at szabo's paintings, ma?

Wait a minute.
Give 'em to me.

Let me look
at szabo's paintings here.

What do we got here?

What the hell kind of
paintings are these?

They're nudes, daddy,
but they're very abstract.

Look,
here's one we love.

It's called nude in limbo.
You see?

There's her head,
and there's the long line
of her neck...

And over there
are her shoulders,
and over there are--

I know what those are, buddy.

How come he give her
three of them?

That's the way
he saw her, daddy.

Geez, he must have been
bombed out of his skull
when he done this.

The next time he thinks he sees
three of them, tell him to
take two aspirin and go to bed.

Maybe it's a picture
of two girls
and he left something out.

Take it away.

I got a good question
for you, daddy.
Three what?

- Huh?
- You heard me.

You said,
"there's three of them,"
but you didn't say what.

- You know what I mean.
- No, I don't.

Tell me.
Come on!

You can't say it,
can you, arch?

A simple part of the anatomy,
and it sticks in your throat.

I got no anatomies
sticking in my throat.

I just happen
to have some respect
for common decency, that's all.

Long before any of us
was born,

they was calling certain things
"private parts."

Come on, daddy,
that's just a big cover-up.

[ Mike ]
It's a hang-up.
And you know it.

Now look here.
What is that?

Leave me alone!

It's a breast, isn't it?

Edith, do you hear what
she's saying in front of
her own father?

But that's what it is--
a breast.
She said it again.

All she said was "breast."

Now he's saying it
over there!

Well, let's hear you
say it just once.

I won't say it just once!

Can you believe that?
He can't even say the word.

He has said
"breast of chicken."

Never!
White meat! White meat!

Now stifle yourself, huh?

And once at rockaway beach
he showed me how
to do the breast stroke.

Will you stifle yourself!

I wanna tell you something--
I got no respect for a guy...

That spends his whole life
getting cheap thrills...

Out of other people's
"nudidity."

With one sentence
he puts away all painters,
sculptors, doctors--

hold it, meathead.
I didn't say nothing
about doctors.

That's a whole other thing.

The most beautiful woman
can walk into a doctor's office
and get herself undressed,

it don't mean a thing.

He don't even take any notice
of the good parts.

[ Doorbell rings ]
Oh, I bet that's szabo.

Hey! Szabo!

How are you?

Gloria!
Szabo!

Oh, uh, szabo,
this is my mother
and my father.

How do you do?
Hello, Mrs. bunker.
Nice to see you, Mr. bunker.

Hey, I got
some champagne.
Oh, great.

I was out launching
a battleship,
and I missed.

What do you say
we break it open here?
I'll get the glasses.

I'll help you.
I could use something
to eat too.

Wait a minute.
Szabo, huh?

Szabo what?
Daborba.

He's a gypsy.

He's a Hungarian.
Same thing.

That guy was born
in an empty store,
as sure as I'm standing here.

He's alone with your wife,

and I wouldn't trust him
from here to here.

Szabo's one of
my oldest friends.
What's the kissing Gloria?

It's just two friends
saying hello.
What's the big deal?

The most casual
acquaintances
kiss today.

They do it all the time
on tv.

Yeah, like...

Merv Griffin
and Johnny Carson.

Merv Griffin and Johnny Carson
don't kiss each other.

That's right.
They're on different channels.

Stifle yourself!

It's Jerry Lewis
that kisses Johnny Carson.

Will you stifle yourself!

I don't know
who merv Griffin kisses.

I said stifle!

I got more important things
on my mind than merv Griffin
and Johnny Carson.

I don't trust
that gypsy out there.

- Hungarian.
- Oh, Hungarian, Hungarian.

You know what I heard
about Hungarians
there at my mother's knee?

A Hungarian is a guy
that can follow you
into a revolving door...

And come out ahead of you.

You are in trouble,
meathead.
Aw, come on.

- Here we are.
- Dummy up now.

[ Szabo ]
Help yourself.
[ Edith ] Oh, my!

Champagne!

And on
a Monday night too.

Szabo, a toast.

To your new one-man show.
May you sell everything.

Thanks, Mike.
Come on.
Sit down.

Wait a minute, szabo.
I wanna ask you something.

I see by that brochure there
that you like painting people...

Without their clothes on--
in other words, in the nude.

No, not everybody.

For instance,
I'd never paint you
in the nude.

I mean, you wouldn't be you
without your clothes on.
Would he, Mrs. bunker?

I don't know.
I'll have to think about it.

Now, your daughter,
on the other hand--

your daughter
is something else.

'Cause I see Gloria...

Free, uninhibited.

She--she's-- hey.

Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey !

- Gloria, would you?
- Would I what?

I got just three weeks.
If we start tomorrow--

you mean you want
to do Gloria?
For the show?

- Yeah!
- That's fantastic!

Mom, daddy,
can you believe it?

Wait a minute. You're gonna
let this thing happen?

Gloria's spending three weeks
with this guy naked?

Why not?

Edith, do you hear
what's going on here?

Why not, Archie? I'm thrilled.
Szabo's my oldest friend.

So? Jim mcnab
is our oldest friend.

Suppose I put your mother-in-law
up in front of Jim mcnab
without her clothes on?

Oh, Archie, no!

Relax.
It ain't happened yet.

I don't know what
you're so uptight about.

The human body,
the pure form, it's art,
it's part of life.

So is throwing up,
but I don't want to look at it.

I don't believe you, daddy.

One of the most talented
painters around today...

Flatters me by
offering to paint me,

and you make it sound
so nasty.

Come on, szabo.
I'll make you that sandwich.

Well, what else is it,
then?

She's right, Archie.
Dirty is in the eye
of the beholder.

And stupid is in
the head of the polack.

I wanna tell you
something--

don't start talking to me
unless you take that back.
All right, I take it back.

Now sit down,
you dumb polack,
and let me talk to you.

Mike and me are gonna have
a little talk, man to man.

That's nice.
Like father and son.

Well, maybe there's something
that needs doing upstairs.

I'm sure there is.

Now listen--
no, you listen.

If you're gonna start in
again with that paranoia
about szabo, forget it,

because he is a friend
and I trust him.

Oh, famous last words.

That's what Abel was sayin'
when he got it in the back from
his own brother with a cane.

Now, this gypsy
out here--
Hungarian!

All right, whatever!

This guy is
way better looking
than you, buddy,

which, by the way,
ain't so hard to be.

This could upset a girl.
You don't even trust
your own daughter.

I didn't say that.
Now, sit down over here
and let me talk to you.

Just sit down over here.

Now, let me tell you
something about men.

Men have got
certain things--

hormones, see.

Women have hormones too.
Theirs don't mean nothing.

Now, a man's hormones,
they put ideas in his head.

See? Ideas.

And he goes around
thinking of these ideas...

Until one day he has to
do something about them...

To clear his mind.

That's right!

And when that day comes when
he's gotta clear his mind,

he don't care
who he does it with.

Now, I know guys that go after
the wife of their best friend.

Come on!
What are you
talking about?

Mike, you gotta listen to me.
Goulash got no conscience.

[ Szabo ]
That was a great sandwich.
Dummy up.

Mike, your wife
can cook for me
any time at all.

Gotta run now, buddy.
See you later.
See you, Mr. bunker.

Are you going now?
Yes, I am.

Thanks a lot
for your hospitality,

and most of all,
thank you for my new model.

Look at her--
she's a pixie...

With the face of a doll
and the body of a woman.

Ah!
[ Kissing ]

[ Szabo ]
See you tomorrow.
[ Gloria ] Bye!

[ Edith ]
Bye!

Well, I feel like
Mrs. O'Leary's cow,
yelling "fire! Fire! Fire!"...

And nobody's paying
no attention to me.

Archie, Gloria and I don't
have that kind of marriage.

We trust each other.
My generation trusts.

My generation trusts too,
meathead--

in God, not Hungarians.

Edith, today,
without fail--

- yeah, Archie?
- Cut your toenails.

Huh?
And I mean
right down to the bone.

You got a thing
you're doing now--

your feet come over
to my side, your nails are
runnin' up and down my leg.

It's like sleepin'
with a leopard.

Good morning, folks.

[ Speaking Hungarian ]

What the hell
was that all about?

That's Hungarian
for "darling mother"
and "beloved papa."

Oh, I forgot my watch.
I'll be right back.

Ain't she turning into
a happy little bohunk?

Oh, yeah.
She loves posing for szabo.

He talks to her
while he's painting,
and she loves listening to him.

He's been everywhere,

so he tells her about Paris,
Rome, Athens,

winnetka.

- Winnetka?
- That's where he was born.

I don't understand you.

Your only daughter, the flesh
of your blood, going out
every day for three weeks...

To pose naked
for this guy...

Who-- a--
ain't her husband,

and-- b-- makes her
husband look like
a pile of inner tubes,

and you don't do
nothing about it.

I think I'll just
have juice and coffee
this morning.

Getting a pretty early
start these mornings,
huh, little girl?

We have to.
Szabo loses the light
at : .

What's he need light for?

He's gonna give you
six belly buttons,
no matter what he sees.

Boy, did we ever jog.
We must've done over a mile.

Pretty close.
Eighteen blocks.

You're jogging, huh?
When did you start that?

A couple weeks ago.
Why?

You wouldn't be jogging away
from any personal problems,
would you, Michael?

What do you mean by that?
Actually,
it was my idea.

I've been
thinking about jogging
for months.

But you don't have to
drag him along.
You can do that by yourself.

Well, let me ask you
a question, Mr. bunker.

If you were walking
down the street
at : in the morning...

And you saw this black guy
all by himself...

Running through
this neighborhood,

what would you think?

I see what you mean, Lionel.

Yeah, I figured you would.

Bye, Lionel.
I've gotta run too.

Wait a second.
I just got back.

Edith, now,
this might just be
a father's intermission,

but I smell a rat.

And you sit there
and you have no opinion at all.

Oh, I got an opinion,

but you never asked me
for it.

Well, I'm asking you now,
Edith.

Well, I'm not sure
you should butt in
where angels fear to tread.

What does that mean?

Only fools rush in
where angels--

Edith, if I want a song lyric
I'll turn on the radio.

Come on, give me your opinion,
straight from the dingbat.

Well...

I think you should
mind your own business.

Who asked you?

I'll be at the library
till it closes, but then
I'm coming right back home.

I'll be home
waiting for you.

Szabo says we'll finish
before he loses the light.

Then we'll probably
grab a quick drink
to celebrate,

and then I'll be home.

One thing, Gloria.

Remember yesterday
when I came into the studio...

And you were posing?

How come when you saw me
you jumped up and--
and put my robe on?

Yeah.
Why did you do that?
I don't know, Michael.

It's just that szabo was there
looking at me his way,

and then you came in
looking at me,

you know, your way,

and suddenly I felt naked.

Yeah?

You haven't been concerned
about-- well, about szabo
and me, have you?

What? Are you kidding?

Gloria, how could you
even think a thing like that?

So your father's upset.
That doesn't mean that I am.

Oh, good.

I didn't think so, anyway,
because I can always tell
when you're upset.

You get that
funny little twitch
in your left eye.

I love you, Michael.
Bye. Have a good day.

Bye.

Anyway--

all I can tell you is, I'm
surprised at you dragging me
to a picture like that.

It was
absolutely disgusting.

Well, I'm sorry, Archie.
How was I to know?

I thought it was
a religious picture--

cardinal knowledge.

It's not
cardinal knowledge,
Edith.

Carnal. Carnal.
It's a whole other thing.

One of the dirtiest
pictures I ever seen.

Hormones were flying
all over the screen.

And you're gonna tell me
there are really people
like that?

"Hello. How are you?"
Zap! Into the sack?

Gee, I had to watch
the whole picture like this.

Nobody was ever
standing up.

I'm glad I went to sleep.

Look, Archie, I don't think
Gloria's come home yet.

I left some food on the stove,
I set the place,
and it ain't been touched.

Well, the Hungarian said
the light failed him at : .

Well, here it is :
and she ain't home yet.

You got a song lyric
for that?

Archie, you don't have to
worry about Gloria.

She's our daughter.

I ain't worried about Gloria.
I'm worried about
that hunkie's hormones.

His what?

It's a subject
I can't get in with you...

Because its male
and it's rough.

All I can tell you is,
when it comes to hormones...

I wouldn't trust
any man in the world
as far as I could throw him.

Well, that would include you,
Archie.

No, not necessarily,
Edith,

because I got my hormones
on a leash.

♪ [ Whistling ]

Oh, here he comes.
Here he comes.
Mr. happiness himself.

The meatheaded husband is home,
whistling a happy tune.

Hey, what's with him?

It used to be I had to say
something before he went nuts.
Now all I gotta do is show up.

- Where were you till this hour?
- At the library
working on my paper.

Well, work on this.
It's nearly :
and your wife ain't home yet.

Oh, yeah?

Maybe they were
cleaning up the studio.

Well...

After three weeks
it could get pretty messy.

Well?

♪ [ Whistling ]

Oh, there it is, Edith.

There it is,
as clear as
you'll ever see--

the two generations
side by side.

There's the modern one
over here.

His wife is out every day
for three weeks,
posing naked for some guy,

and now she's five hours late
coming home from that guy...

And he sits over there
whistling as happy as any bird.

And you know why?
Because his generation trusts,
Edith, see.

They trust all kinds
of revolutionaries, hippies,
queers and what have you.

They trust anything
and anybody that ain't us.

I warned this boy three
weeks ago-- "you gotta keep
in line this Hungarian."

I said, "you can't put your
trust in any person but him."

But does he listen to me?
No, because he don't trust me.

How can he?
You ain't God.

Okay, okay, Archie,
so Gloria's five hours late.

You think I'm not worried?
Of course I'm worried.

But I'm worried
about Gloria's welfare.
A lot can happen in five hours.

You're telling me.
No, I don't
think like that.

I'm gonna tell you
for the hundredth time--

we are talking about my wife
and my best friend.

And yes, I do trust them.

There's the difference
in your generations
right there, Archie.

You've been spending
the last years...

Checking under every bed
for a communist...

And thinking you're better
than they are with your
stinking puritan ethic,

and what have you got
to show for it?

A wife who's home
at : , buddy.
Yeah, that's right.

Sure, and the fear
and the mistrust
of the rest of the world.

Well, you can live with
that fear and mistrust.

I don't want to have
any part of it!
You hear what I'm saying?

Szabo, what the hell
are you doing with my wife?

I wanna know what Gloria's
doing there at this late hour,

and don't tell me you're
painting her by starlight.

I have had this on my mind
a long time, and now
that it's out in the open--

Gloria!

Gloria?

Bye there, szabo.

When did you get home?

Uh, when did you get home?
About : .

I was so tired,
I just went right upstairs
and flopped into bed.

Boy, am I glad you're home.

Home in bed since : ,
and you knew nothing
about it.

How could I, Archie?
I was at the movies with you.

What difference
does that make?

Ah, geez,
look at this now.

♪ [ Humming ]

Don't do that.

♪ It's the Japanese sandman ♪

♪ he'll be here soon ♪

well, meathead,
I hope you learned
something tonight.

You should've heard yourself
on that telephone.

What are you talking about?

She was home at : .

Get outta here.

I wonder why the sandman
is Japanese.

He should have been an arab.
They got much more sand.

Here's the painting.
Yeah.

Szabo said we could
bring it home tonight
so you could see it.

Oh, ain't that exciting.

You ready?
Yeah.
♪ ta-da ♪

oh, my.

It's very nice.
Isn't it great?

[ Mike ]
What do you think, arch?

I knew it.

There's one there,

two, three,
four, five...

Six...

[ Announcer ]
All in the family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.