01x13 - The First and Last Supper

[bunniefuu]

[ Announcer ]
From television city
in Hollywood.

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ guys like us
we had it made ♪

[ together ]
♪ those were the days ♪

♪ and you knew
where you were then ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ girls were girls
and men were men ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ mister, we could use a man ♪

♪ like Herbert hoover again ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ didn't need no welfare state ♪

[ Edith ]
♪ everybody pulled his weight ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ gee, our old lasalle
ran great ♪

♪ those were the days ♪

[ Mike, Gloria arguing ]
All right, all right,
all of youse.

Dummy up, huh ?

'Cause here it is.
Quote--

"and the lord God
caused a deep sleep
to fall upon Adam,

"and he slept.

"And he took one of his ribs
and closed up the flesh
instead thereof.

"And the rib,
which the lord God
had taken from man,

made he a woman
and brought her
unto the man."

[ Barking ]
Mmm !

Ah, cut that out, eh !

That ain't all
he brought her
unto the man for.

"And Adam said, 'this
is now bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh.

She shall be called woman
because she was taken
out of man.'"

now, there it is
in black and white.

We didn't crawl out
from under no rocks.

We didn't have no tails,
and we didn't come from monkeys,

you atheistic,
pinko meathead.

Archie,
that's a fairy tale.

The whole idea
of taking a rib out of Adam
and making a woman,

it's mandrake
the magician time.

Do you hear that ?

He's comparing the lord God
to mandrake the magician.

Can you believe it ?

No. God is
much better known.

Well, youse two may
have come from monkeys
and "bamboons,"

but not me.

The lord God created me
in his image.

You mean God
looks like you ?

I ain't saying
you couldn't tell
the two of us apart.

Just saying he
made us like him.

Like, for instance,
with four fingers and
a thumb on each hand.

He saw that one hand
wasn't gonna be enough,
so he give us two of them.

And then he put
the hands here...

On the end
of the arms...

Because he knew that's
where they'd be handy.

That's why
they're called hands,
I suppose.

Will you stifle
yourself !

God don't want to be
defended by no dingbat.

Look, Archie, you're
misunderstanding us.

We don't have anything
against God
or the notion of God.

I-it's what people do
in his name
that we don't like.

People hate in his name,
people k*ll in his name.

That's right, daddy.
Look at Vietnam.

We're there
with his blessings,
because God is on our side.

Well ?
[ Chuckling ]

You ain't gonna tell me
he's on the side
of them godless gooks.

[ Doorbell rings ]
Why not ? God created
them gooks, too, didn't he ?

I don't wanna talk
to you no more.

Hi.
Hi, Mrs. bunker.
Hi, everybody.

[ Mike ] Hi, Lionel.
We're just finishing
Saturday brunch.

Would you like
to have something ?

Yeah, go on over there,
and you can take my chair,
Lionel.

Just sit down next to
the gook lovers, huh ?

I gotta go up
and take a shave.
Come on, Lionel.

No, thanks.
I've already eaten,
Mrs. bunker.

I just stopped by
to find out if tonight
is still on.

Tonight ?
What's happening
tonight, mom ?

Uh...

I met Lionel's mother
in the supermarket
yesterday.

Well, you tell 'em,
Lionel.

My mom invited
your mother and father
over for dinner tonight.

Really ?
That's wonderful !

You're kidding.

- And you accepted, ma ?
- Yeah.

Oh, that's great !

So they'll expect you
about : ?
Uh-- uh-huh.

Okay. They're really
looking forward to it.
I'll see you.

Lionel, I think it's
really super our folks are
getting together for dinner.

I couldn't believe it myself
till I heard it
with my own ears.

Are you gonna
be there ?
No.

But I'd sure like to tape
the whole thing for my class
in interracial communications.

I'll see you.
Yeah, Lionel.
Bye-bye.

Hey, ma,
that's wonderful.

Daddy actually accepted
to have dinner
with the jeffersons ?

It's amazing.
I never thought that
would ever happen.

[ Gloria ]
That's really great !

You have discussed this
with daddy, haven't you ?

How does this sound ?

Hello, Mrs. Jefferson.

About dinner tonight,
my husband's Uncle
just died.

Mother !
His aunt just died ?

You can't say that.
His aunt's in a coma.

Mother, stop.
You didn't tell daddy
about this, did you ?

I was too scared to.

Then I started to,
and then he started
telling me...

About having tickets
for the mets game tonight.

Oh, yeah, that's right.
Then I got scared
again.

Gloria, what am I
gonna do ?

Go to dinner, ma,
and make daddy go with you.

But how ?
You know your father.

He ain't unclenched his teeth
since the day they moved in.

Ma, I mean, knowing Archie,
how'd you happen to accept
in the first place ?

Oh, I don't know.

Mrs. Jefferson and me
was havin' a nice talk...

In the supermarket.

And she asked me.
You know me.

I can't say no to nobody.

You can no to me all right.
See ? The nicest woman
in the world.

She can't refuse nothin'
to nobody.

But when her husband
asks her, begs her
not to use his razor,

does she listen to him ?

No. Why don't you just
go out and buy a g*n, huh ?
I'll sh**t myself.

It'd be a lot less messy.

I cut myself four times
in the last three seconds
up there.

There's pieces of my face
down the drain
on the way to the ocean.

One of these days
I'm gonna "de-head" myself.

Edith, for the last time,
will you please
not use my razor ?

Daddy, I'm glad
you're shaving close...

Because you and ma
have been invited
to dinner tonight.

Dinner ? I'm going
to the mets game tonight.
Mike's going with me.

- I was.
- Huh ?

If you're not going,
I can't go with you.

On the other hand,
I can still go,
so I'll go with Gloria.

What are you talking about ?

These people asked us
to dinner, Archie.

And I said yes.

That was before I knew
you had tickets for the mets.

Now that you know
I got tickets, you can call
"these people" and cancel.

She can't do that, daddy.
These people,
they wouldn't understand.

"These people" ?
Who are these people ?
Tell him, ma.

Oh, that's all right.
You tell him, dear.

I don't mind.
[ Archie ]
Come on !

Somebody better tell me.
Who the hell are they ?

It's the jeffersons,
Archie.

Who are the jeffersons ?
Oh, wait a minute.
Hold it.

You don't mean
them new people that
moved in down the block.

Yeah, Lionel's family.
They're really
very nice people.

Oh, yeah, very nice.
They're wonderful people.
They're lovely people.

But they are also
colored people.

- Better hold it there, daddy.
- Now, listen, little girl.

Been around a lot of places,
done a lot of things,

but there's one thing Archie
bunker ain't never gonna do--
break bread with jungle bunnies.

What did you--
daddy, you stop that.

You're talking
about Lionel's family.

That's right, Archie.
They invited you to dinner.

- They didn't throw a brick
through your window.
- I'd sooner have the brick.

These colored people
are always trying to use
the social situation...

To raise their station.

That's right.

And using you
is gonna launch them
right into cafe society.

Listen, wise guy.

If you wasn't so prejudiced,
you'd know very well
what everybody else knows,

that them people
is inferior to us people.

Daddy, how can a man
who believes in God
talk like that ?

Because I'm using
the common sense
that God gave me.

Common sense ?
Archie, that's
out-and-out hate.

Hate ?

What has any of this
got to do with hate,
you dumb polack ?

I am simply defending
my God-given right
as a free American...

Not to sit down to eat
with my unequals.

Aah !
What's the use ?

Edith, get on that telephone
and cancel this thing
with the jeffersons.

Archie, I can't.
That would hurt
their feelings.

Their feelings ?
What about my feelings ?

Edith, Jim mcnab and me
are circulating a petition
through this neighborhood...

Not to sell no more houses
to no more coloreds.

And here you have me
sitting down to eat...

With the first
colored family that
"infilterated" the block.

I mean, Edith,
I'm "mortifried."

Well, maybe if we just
don't stay too long
after dinner.

No, Edith,
get on that telephone !

Now, wait a second.

Why don't you do
your own dirty work ?

All right, big mouth.
I will. You know the number.
Get them on the wire.

Archie, no.
No, please don't.

I ain't gonna hurt
nobody's feelings.
Sit down, sit down.

Yep, there it is.
It's ringing.

Hello.
Is that Mrs. Jefferson ?

Uh, yeah, well,
this is Mr. bunker here.

Yeah, yeah,
I know about that, but, uh,

we ain't gonna be able
to make it because my wife
twisted her ankle very bad.

Say nothin'.
Now, don't say nothin'.

- Oh, boy.
- Shh, you !

Hello ?
Yes. Yes.

Well, uh,
she twisted it real bad,

and the doctor says
that she can't leave
the house.

Hold on.
The doctor's leaving now.
Uh, so long there, doc.

Yeah, I promise
I won't let her
leave the house.

Don't forget
to send a bill.

Bye-bye. Yeah.

Yeah, well, uh,
it's just one of them
last-minute sprains...

That's goin' around.

All right. I will.
Yeah, I will.

I will. Yep. Yeah.
Thank you very much.
Bye.

Well, there it is.
No fuss, no muss.

Oh, Archie,
that was terrible !

Telling her
a story like that.

Boy, you are some liar.

You know, you oughta be
in the defense department.

Daddy, you're so prejudiced.
You haven't even met
Mr. Jefferson yet.

[ Doorbell rings ]
Fine. And that's just
the way I want to keep it.

Oh, Lionel.
Yeah, Mr. bunker.

When I heard about
Mrs. bunker's ankle,
I rushed right over.

Well, she's in here
resting. Edith.

The doctor said you're
supposed to stay off
your feet, dear.

Sit down.

See what I mean,
Lionel ?

Yeah, I see.
That's a shame.

It's too bad this had
to happen the first time
you were coming to dinner.

Lionel, as they say,
"que 'seray seray,'"
you know.

And we was both lookin'
forward towards it too,
wasn't we, Edith ?

I certainly was.

But, say, Mr. bunker,

are you sure there isn't
somethin' else that's causing
you to cancel tonight ?

No.
You can be straight
with me.

Because, frankly,
we're having problems
with my old man.

What's the matter with him ?
Well, he's kind of
old-fashioned, you know.

Says he just doesn't wanna
sit down with whitey.

Is that so ?

Oh, he'll get over it.

I just wanna make sure
you didn't cancel
because my folks are black.

No, Lionel,
we're perfectly willing
to come over...

And pick a few ribs
with your family any time.

It's just that Edith's ankle
the way it is,
we can't make it.

I sure am happy
to hear that, Mr. bunker.

But, say, you won't
be able to cook tonight,
will you ?

No, no, she's gotta
stay off her feet.

Since mom's already fixed
dinner anyway, and you do
wanna meet my folks ?

- Sorry to miss that.
- Then mom will be happy to
bring the dinner over here.

That ain't gonna be
enough light, Edith.

You ain't gonna be able
to see your guests
unless they smile at you.

Well, we're going now.
Wait a minute !
What's this ?

What the hell
have you got on here ?

Hot pants, daddy.
Don't you like 'em ?

I like 'em.
I think they're sexy.

Nobody's talking to you.
You got a case of
the permanent hots anyhow.

You remind me
of Fanny tuhane
in them things.

Fanny tuhane ?
Who's that ?

She's a girl I used to know
when we was kids.

She'd show you her bloomers
for a bite of your jelly apple.

We're going
to the ball game.

On my tickets too.

I'm never gonna forgive
your mother for making me
miss the mets like this.

[ Doorbell rings ]
There they are.

No, no, no,
don't open it now.

Your mother's ankle
ain't bandaged yet.
Hey, Edith !

Get your ankle
in here, will ya ?
What do you got there ?

Well, I figured out
it should be a hot compress.

Cold is for headaches,
so hot is for sprains.

Let me be the doctor.
You got enough to handle
being a dingbat.

Here, Gloria.
Get this outta here.

Just sit down, will ya ?
Put that thing on your ankle.
[ Doorbell rings ]

Here they are.
All right ! I'm coming !

Gee, them colored people
love to play with bells.

Hurry up now, huh ?
Come on !

All right, go on.
Let 'em in.

Oh, hi, Mr. mcnab.
Hi, Gloria.
Hi, Edith.

Good night !
Hiya, mcnab.
What are you doing here ?

I got the pledge, Archie.
Had my daughter
type it up for me.

Jimmy, I ain't got time
for that now.

You was the one
who was pushing
to get this thing signed.

Can't we talk about it
tomorrow, huh ?

Would you just read this,
so I'm sure I got it down
the way you told me to ?

I got so much
to do around here.
Let me look at it.

"Petition. Whereas we already
got one house full of coloreds
in the neighborhood,

we the undersigned--"
et cetera. That's fine.
[ Doorbell rings ]

It's them.
I'll get it.

Edith, down.
It's who ?

Some people that's dropping
over. Would you mind going
out the back door ?

Are they from
the neighborhood ?
They can sign it too.

Don't bother about that !
I'll talk to you tomorrow.

[ Doorbell rings ]
All right, I'm coming !
Gee, they love them bells.

Go on, Jimmy.
Go on.

Can't believe-- jeez.
This is your fault.
[ Bell rings ]

I'll go.
Edith, down.

Good evening, Mr. bunker.
I don't believe you've
ever met George.

Oh, no.
Come on in.

I'll just put these
in the kitchen.
Yeah. No !

Let me put them
in the kitchen.
You sit down.

Just stay out here
and say hello or something.

Mrs. bunker,
how's your ankle ?
Oh, not bad...

If I stay off it
and drink lots
of liquids.

Mcnab, this thing ain't
what it seems to be here.
It ain't, huh ?

That's either
the jeffersons...

Or the worst case
of sun poisoning in history.

[ Edith ]
Archie, bring in
the crackers and cheese !

All right !
Give me a minute here,
Edith, huh ?

Come on, will you, Jimmy ?
Come on.

I'll talk to you about
this whole thing tomorrow
when we're alone.

What are you, bunker,
some kind of
a double agent ?

I'm comin'.

Well,

here we are.

I invited Mr. Jefferson
to sit in your chair, Archie.

It's so comfortable
for a man,

and I knew
you wouldn't mind.

No, make yourselves
at home.

Uh, do any of youse
want a drink ?

No, thank you.
Not anything for me.
Whatever you got.

Yeah, all right.

This is interesting,
Louise.

"Whereas we already got
one house full of coloreds
in the neighborhood--"

don't bother with that.
Just drink your drink
and good luck to you.

Just some hunk of junk
that somebody just slipped
under the door.

I hate these handbills.
Why do you let them
come into the house ?

Who knows who
brings them around ?

Possibly the people
on the un-welcome wagon.

Well, now,
here's a toast.

To good neighbors.
They come in all colors.

White, off-white,
lily-white.

I think I'll heat up
the dinner now.

I'll help you.
Edith, stay.

♪ Do-Dee-do-do ♪

♪ do-do ♪
uh--

[ grunts ]

The tv's on the Fritz.

I sure wish we could
watch it tonight.

Something special ?
Anything.

You two just go
right on talkin'.

I'll catch up
on my readin'.

I see you're interested
in our space program.

Yeah, that's
a genuine facsimile there
of the Apollo insignia.

That's the thing
that separates
the U.S. of a...

From the red chinks
and all them other losers.

You don't think we've got
anything more important
to do with $ billion...

Than to send a guy
up on the moon to hit
a few golf balls ?

What's more important
than that ?

How 'bout spending the money
on earth to fight poverty,
create a few jobs ?

Oh, you sound just like
my son-in-law now.

Your son-in-law's
black ?
No !

Nah, he's only a polack.

But, you know, he's filled
with a lot of them radical,
liberal ideas,

which, I'm sorry to say,
so is a lot
of your black people.

We was arguin' over
the Bible here this mornin',

and, uh, my son-in-law's
an atheist.

- You ain't one of them ?
- No, I believe in God.

Well, now that's nice.

That's interesting, too,
the way you people
work yourself up...

From the snakes and the beads
and the wooden idols...

Right up to our God.

What do you mean,
your God ?

Well, I mean, uh,
you know, God is white,
ain't he ?

What makes you think
God isn't black ?

Well, because...

I was made
in God's image,

and you'll note
that I ain't black.

Well, don't complain
to me about it.
[ Chortling ]

I ain't complainin'
about nothin'.

All the pictures
you ever see of God,
he's white.

Take that dago artist
who painted God
on the ceiling over in Rome.

You remember that ?
You mean that white dago
artist that painted it.

But every picture
I ever seen of God,
he's white.

Well, maybe you were looking
at the negative.

Let's try to talk
intelligent, huh ?

If God was black, as you say,
then his son would also
have to be black.

You ain't gonna tell me
that Jesus is black.

Well, now you're
catching on.

They already proved
that Jesus was
an Ethiopian.

Wait a minute now.
You say he's an Ethiopian.

A presbyterian says
a presbyterian.

But whatever he was,
he was never black.

If God wasn't black,
how come he built us
so much better than you ?

Are you kiddin' ?

Look at
the way it is, man.

Take us out of football,
take us out of basketball,

take us out of the Olympics,
and what do you got ?

I can't even think about it.
It's pathetic.

Well, let me
ask you something.

How come all the astronauts
are white ?

Because they're picked
by lily-white Americans
like you...

Who only pick other
lily-white Americans.

So what ?
So nothing !
Keep your white astronauts.

Like I already proved
to you, we've got God,
who is black.

Well, the only answer
to that is--

[ blows raspberry ]

Louise, we're going !

There's the door !

Please don't go.

Archie !
[ Blows raspberry ]

Oh !
Henry, what's
going on here ?

Your ankle
all of a sudden
got better, huh ?

I'm sorry we had to
lie to you. My ankle
wasn't really sprained.

It was just an excuse
to try to get out of
having dinner with you.

Edith, I have a confession
to make to you.

This isn't my husband.

It isn't ?
That's not your husband ?

No, George didn't
want to have dinner
with you either.

When I couldn't change
his mind, I didn't know
what to do.

I was so embarrassed that
I asked my brother-in-law Henry
to come with me.

Your brother-in-law
Henry ?

Oh, what a lie.

This is what it comes to.

I agree to do this thing,
Edith, and their real guy
doesn't come over.

He don't want to
sit down with whitey.
He stays home.

No, no, George
didn't stay at home.

- Well, where's George ?
- He's at shea stadium
watching the mets.

All right, all right.
You had a big fight,
and then what happened ?

Then the women got the men
to make peace.
How'd you do that ?

We put the dinner
on the table,
and we all sat down.

What'd you eat, Archie ?
Hog jowls and fatback ?

I don't know
what I ate.

He don't know
what he ate, but he had
three helpings of it.

Will you
stifle yourself.

- Was it soul food, ma ?
- No, it wasn't fish.

It was, uh,
chicken tetrazzini
and broccoli...

And egg salad
and avocado salad.

[ Announcer ]
All in the family
was recorded on tape...

Before a live audience.