01x12 - Success Story

[bunniefuu]

[ Announcer ]
From television city
in Hollywood.

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ guys like us
we had it made ♪

[ together ]
♪ those were the days ♪

♪ and you knew
where you were then ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ girls were girls
and men were men ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ mister, we could use a man ♪

♪ like Herbert hoover again ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ didn't need no welfare state ♪

[ Edith ]
♪ everybody pulled his weight ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ gee, our old lasalle
ran great ♪

♪ those were the days ♪

you know,
my lips are starting
to stick together.

This glue
tastes terrible.

Mmm, these cherry-flavored
envelopes taste great.
Yeah ?

Yeah.
Let me have a taste.

Here.
Not that way.

Mmm, yeah.
I can taste the cherry.

Yeah, and I can taste
the post office.
Let go.

I can't. I'm stuck.

Michael,
I can't breathe.

That's all right.
This is a great way to go.
We'll just stay like this.

Don't mind me.
Just go right on talkin'.

I got the stew on,
so I can help you now.

Good.
I'm a very good
licker and stamper.

When I worked for
the Hercules plumbing company
before I got married,

I used to lick all
the first-of-the-month
envelopes myself.

And then they changed
their billing date
to the th,

and they asked
somebody else to do it.

Why didn't you do it
on the th, ma ?

Because I only worked there
two weeks.

Oh, hi, Archie.

You got home early.
[ Gloria ]
Hi, daddy.

[ Mike ] Hi, arch.
Gee, that's
some greeting I get.

Don't all of youse
jump up at once.

Is something wrong,
Archie ?

I tell you,
the milk of human kindness
is dryin' up out there.

I get off the subway,
and I'm crossin' Pearson
street near the park.

A big, dumb cop
comes up to me,

talks to me
about jaywalking,
you know ?

So I put my hand here,
and I tell him I got
a stinging pain here...

Like I'm havin'
a heart attack and I'm
runnin' to the doctor.

What does he do ?
Laughs, gives me a ticket.

But, Archie,
you wasn't havin'
a heart attack.

But, Edith,
he didn't know that.

In today's world,
the milk of human kindness
is curdling.

Ohh.

Poor dear.
Well, now you're home
in the bosom of your family.

All right, all right.
You don't have to maul me.

What are youse two
doing here ?

Don't tell me it's real work
or I'll have a heart attack.

Consider your life spared.
We're not getting paid
for this.

That's right.
This happens to be
something we believe in.

- Man does not live
by bread alone.
- You sure don't.

Not unless the bread's
wrapped around ham, baloney,
liverwurst or salami.

No wonder you're a meathead.
[ Chuckling ]

Let's see
what new subversion
you're fermenting here.

That's my pop,
always there
with an open mind.

Listen, little girl,
my mind's just as open
as yours is,

except when it's closed
'cause the facts of the case
is already known to me.

- Edith, do you know what you're
stuffin' them envelopes with ?
- No, I didn't read it.

Well, you're stuffin'
them envelopes with radical,
liberal garbage.

Why don't you stop
putting labels on things
you don't understand ?

I understand this,
all right.

"Queens free clinic, a place
for the high school dropout,
the teenage runaway,

"that will provide free food,
free medical attention,

free treatment for v.D."

V.D.
You know what that
means, Edith ?

V.D. No, wait.
Don't tell me.

I know it's
someone's initials.

Well, you ask
a dingbat a question,
you get a dingbat answer.

I better go look
at the stew.

I don't know what all this fuss
is about. They have clinics
like this all over the country.

Why should them dropouts
get anything free, huh ?

When I was a kid,
you had to be in the army
to get free sh*ts for v.D.

Don't worry, arch.

I'm sure the army
still gets its share
of the action.

I keep thinking
it had something to do...

With flags and parades
and things.

What did, ma ?

I know !
V.D. Day !

No, Edith.

That was v.E. Day.

Come on, ma.
I'll help you
with supper.

I'll tell you
the "basical" problem
with your dropouts today...

Is they ain't got
no gratitude.

What do you mean ?
No gratitude for what ?

For what they got here.

What do they got here ?
They got the greatest
country in the world here.

Highest standard
of living.

The grossest
national product.

What more do they want
from us anyhow ?
Peace.

One thing they ain't got,
and right away they drop out.

How 'bout pure air ?
How 'bout clean water,
non-contaminated food ?

All right.
How 'bout confidence
in their government ?

All right, will ya ?
We ain't perfect.

This is the United States
of America. It ain't the
perfect states of America.

Dropouts are all
for tearing things down.
Where are their solutions ?

They don't have
any solutions.
You're telling me.

Why should they ?
Archie.

Look at the United States
as a house on fire.

Now, those kids
see the fire,

but they don't have
the equipment
to put it out.

Does that mean
that they shouldn't yell,
"help, fire ! Help, fire !"

You know,
I think you're dead
from the neck up.

Let me tell you
something.

You gotta get these dropouts
and welfare incipients
off the public money.

You'd see how fast
this country
would turn around.

You'd have pure air
and clean water
coming out of your ears.

[ Doorbell rings ]
Okay, fine. I'll get
everyone off of welfare.

I want you to save the taxpayers
a hundred times as much.
Get us out of Vietnam.

Listen, I could settle
Vietnam for you.

First you take delivery
of this package, and then
you settle Vietnam.

Your name bunker ?

That's right.
Archie bunker.

I changed it from lipschitz
for business reasons.

Five years,
I kid one customer,

and it's gotta be him.

What's in the package ?
Let me open it,
will ya ?

Gee, you want me to stop
the w*r, clean the water,
purify the air...

And see through
wrapping paper.

Oh, who was that
at the door, Archie ?

Just a package
for me, Edith.
Oh, what is it ?

Oh, cigars.
Oh, hey, hey.
These ain't just cigars.

Wait a minute.
These are macanudos.

Gee, these babies cost
a buck a piece.

Gee, Edith.

I ain't had
a dollar cigar since--

you never had
a dollar cigar.
That's right.

Gee, I don't know
who sent them.
There's no card.

I guess whoever sent 'em
wants to remain unanimous
about it.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Edith, these cigars
are the nectarines
of the gods.

My luck.
I got all the way
down to the truck,

and I remembered I had
another package for you.

Oh, Archie !
Hold it, hold it,
everybody.

Don't nobody touch it now
till I sign for it.

There we go.

There.

Heaviest package
I carried all day.

I'll bet you were glad
to put it down then, huh ?

All right.
Go on. Open it up.
See who it's from.

See what it is.
Yeah.

Oh, look !
[ Mike ]
Hey, look at this !

Gee, this is fantastic.
It's beautiful !

Look at the booze in there.
Fois gras, strassburg
and camembert cheese.

Smoked oysters.
Here's a card, daddy.

Beluga caviar, scotch,
bourbon, vodka. There's
nothing but the best here.

The very best.
Look, wheat thins !

Who's it from, Archie ?
I mean, who do we know
could afford this ?

Only one man
in the world, Edith.

Twenty-five years ago,
when I first knew this guy,

he didn't have two nickels
to rub together.

Now he's worth
five million bucks.
Archie, don't tell me.

Eddie Frazier !
Look at the
jilt-edged card.

"Love, Eddie Frazier."

- I told youse two
about Eddie Frazier ?
- A hundred times, daddy.

Yeah, he's the guy
that won the w*r with you.
Good old Eddie Frazier.

[ Both ]
Even way back then I knew
he'd make it big some day.

A real go-getter.
Yes !

The biggest
automobile dealer west
of the Mississippi,

or maybe
in the whole country.

No matter how big he is,
he still remembers me
at christmastime.

- Always a card.
- The last one was nice.

The three wise men
were riding in
a blue convertible.

Some businessman,
Eddie Frazier.

Someday you two might be
lucky enough to meet him,
see what America's all about.

He started selling
with nothing but
a secondhand studebaker.

And no conscience.
Huh ?

What's he done except
become a millionaire ?
Ain't that enough ?

No, that ain't enough,
and therein lies the gap
between our generations.

Therein lies the gap
between your ears.

How dare you look down
at a man like Eddie Frazier,

a guy who could buy and sell
your whole generation ?

Okay, so he's rich.
Now, what is he doing
for his fellow man ?

He's paying his taxes.

He's supporting these dropouts
that youse two are runnin'
a tag day for.

- [ Phone ringing ]
- I'll get it.

Hello.
Mr. Archie bunker ?

- Who is it, Edith ?
- Just a minute.

It sounds like the operator.
It's for Mr. Archie bunker.

What is it,
a long-distance call ?
That's what it sounds like.

[ Coughs ]
Hello. This is
Archie bunker here.

Huh ?

Will I hold
for Eddie Frazier ?

Sure, I'll hold
for Eddie Frazier !

It's Eddie Frazier.
He must be calling me
from the coast to find out--

hello ?
Yeah, I'm holding.

Here, Edith, you take this.
Keep the line alive.

He's calling me
from California, a guy
worth $ million !

[ Toilet flushing ]

Just--
yes, just a minute.
He's right here.

Mr. bunker had to
answer another call.

Yeah, I'm here, oper--

what ?
Oh, that's you, Eddie.

Hi, Eddie boy !
How are ya ?

Hey, gee, your voice sounds
like the same old guy !

[ Laughing ]
How you doing ?

Wh-- you--
you're in New York ?

He's in New York, Edith.
You're in new--

yeah, we thought because
it was the operator--

oh, that was the operator
from the hotel, Edith.

Oh, I see.
Hi, Eddie !

Huh ?

You want to come over
to see us tomorrow night ?

Oh, gee, Eddie.
He wants to come over
to see us tomorrow night.

Hey, Eddie,
that's sensational.

Who ?

Oh, the frouge twins
and Billy prendegast.
Sure, I remember them.

I ain't seen 'em
since fort dix, but--

yeah, I can round 'em up
if you want us to, sure !

We'll have a regular wingding.
We'll have a regular
wingding here.

We'll have a regular
wingding here.

We'll have a regular
wingding here.

Oh, Eddie.
That's great.

It's great to hear your voice
and to know you're
coming over here.

How are ya ?
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
that's right.

We can talk about it
tomorrow night.
That's right.

Before you hang up, Eddie,
I want to tell you...

Thanks for thinkin'
of me, huh ?

Yeah, I'll see ya.

Oh, gee.
Oh, Archie.

Your old army buddies
are coming here ?

Yeah.

Billy prendegast
and the frouge twins...

And the unspeakable
Eddie Frazier.

You know, Edith, those guys
was the whole w*r to me.

And they're comin' here.

All right, youse two,
get ready.

Tomorrow night you're gonna
have a treat. You're gonna
meet Eddie Frazier at last.

We're going to the movies
tomorrow night.
What do you mean ?

Hey, what's the matter ?
You're scared you're gonna
find out you're wrong ?

Are you scared you might
have to admire a guy
with million bucks ?

No movie. You stay here.
Let's get this place cleaned up.

I don't want
my old army buddies to think
we're living like slobs.

And get rid of all this
pinko propaganda, huh ?

Let's clear the decks
for some real Americans.

Listen, Eddie Frazier
is gonna have you eating
out of his hand.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ho !

Come on, you guys.
Let's get a little life
in the party.

This ain't like the old
nd I used to know.
Go on, Billy.

Help yourself
to another drink there.
Have some pretzels, Joe.

I'm Fred.
Fred ! That's right.

There's Joe over there.
Always got these guys
mixed up.

We called them the frouge twins
because they both had
the same last name.

It was Joe frouge
and Fred frouge.

But they ain't related
and they never was.

They don't look alike
and they never did.

But we always got 'em
mixed up just like they
was real twins. Funny ?

[ Forced laughing ]
That's funny !

And Billy prendegast
over here-- oh, Billy.

You know what I
want you to do ?
Edith, come out here.

I want you
to tell Edith the story
of how you met your wife.

Edith, Billy's
gonna tell you the story
about how he met his wife.

Edith, this is the funniest
story in the world.
Go ahead, go ahead.

Well, there was
this blind date...

That big John kapawana
fixed me up on.

I went to this girl's house
which I never met.

And her mother
or her sister
come to the door--

I don't remember who.

And she yelled,
"hey, Josephine,
your date's here !"

And then this girl,
Josephine, come out.

Four months later,
we was married.

What an unusual story.

That ain't the story.
That ain't the way you
met your wife, Billy.

- You didn't tell it right.
- Wait a minute, arch.
You got 'em mixed up.

It was tootie decanter
had the story about
meeting his wife.

Tootie decanter !
That's right.
It was tootie decanter.

Excuse me, gentlemen.

You see why I get
everything mixed up ?

There was so many stories
about these guys.

They was always
doing something.
A million laughs.

[ Archie laughing ]

- When's Eddie gettin' here ?
- Yeah, when's he comin' ?

- Where's he at ?
- Take it easy. He'll show.

He probably got held up
with some big deal,
you know.

He's a doer.
He's probably doing
something right now.

You remember that time
outside of naples...

When Eddie got a hold
of that Italian printin' press,

and he printed us all up
them three-day passes ?

Hey, he sold so many
of them passes,

the only one
who fell out for reveille
was the colonel !

You hear that ?
[ Forced laughing ]

Whoa.

Gee, what a success he is.
And he deserves it.
I'll tell you why.

He's the kind of a guy that
don't lay around waiting
for conditions to get good.

You listen to this, Mike.
He's the kind of a guy that
makes his own conditions.

Yeah, but sometimes
you can't do that,
arch.

We got
a little business--
gravestones.

No matter how much you push,
there's no money around.

They're dyin',
but they ain't buyin'.

[ Archie ]
Listen, they must be buyin'
around Eddie Frazier,

or else who's he selling
all them cars to,
chimpanzees ?

You show me a chimpanzee
that can drive,

and I'll send him
back to the zoo
in a clean late-model...

With factory air
and whitewalls !

Eddie Frazier !
[ Cheering, laughing ]

Archie, old buddy,
how are ya ?
How are ya ?

Billy prendegast !
Good to see you.

Hiya !
And the frouge twins.

Joe, how are you ?
I'm Fred.

Freddy,
good to see you.
I'm Joe.

Where's Jack ?
We ain't got no Jack here.

You got Jack Daniel's.
I know 'cause I sent it.

Oh, funny ! Hey-hey !

I want you to meet my family.
Edith, Gloria, come on
in here for a minute.

I want you to meet
Eddie Frazier.

This is my wife Edith,
my daughter Gloria.
You old goat !

Where do you get off
with a pretty girl
like this ?

It's a pleasure
to meet you.
Thank you, Mr. Frazier.

Any millionaire friend
of Archie's
is a friend of mine.

My daughter Gloria here.
Hello.

Hiya, sweetheart.
And my son-in-law
Mike stivic over there.

How are you ?
Hey, you know,

I got a boy
just about your age.

What do you do ?

Right now I'm in college,
but when I get out,

I hope to join Ralph nader
and fight corruption
in business.

Good. Good.
I hope you'll be
very successful.

Well, Archie bunker.
Boy, you sure haven't
changed much.

'Course you were always
full and big through here,

but I can see that's
all behind you now !

Every line a funny
with this guy !

Edith, bring out the trays
and the fancy stuff.
Go on, help your mother.

Hey, Eddie, come on over
and have a drink.

Them Christmas cards
that you send us every Christmas
mean a lot to our family.

It's nothing.
Don't say they're nothin'.
They're a lot.

What brings you to New York ?
Can't a guy fly in
and see a few of his pals ?

You came to see us ?
Well, sure.

You guys hear that ?
All the way from Los Angeles
to see us, he flies !

I had a little help
from the plane.

A gag a minute
with this guy !
Is this guy funny !

Oh, what's not to like ?

Where'd you
hear that one ?

I got that one
off of Bob hope.

We was playing together
in the desert classic
down the Springs.

- You play golf with Bob hope ?
- Certainly !

This guy's a tv
personality himself.

You didn't catch him last year
with Johnny Carson
from the coast ?

I was on tv
before Johnny Carson.

Hi, people.
Eddie Frazier talking
to you here.

I want you to take a look
at this beautiful '
hardtop right here.

Radio, heater,
padded dash,
tinted glass.

Believe you me, folks.
This car is a steal.

I oughta know
because I'm the guy
that stole it !

Eddie, come on.
Sit down right here
in my chair, huh ?

Will you step
out of the way, Mike ?

Oh, Archie, did I get
any phone calls ?

A phone call ?
Not here, ed, no.

I'm expecting one.
I hope you don't mind
I left your number.

See that ? Can't get away
even for one night without
some big deal going.

You hear that ?
That's the way to get ahead.
Eddie.

Yeah.
When I knew you was comin' over,
you know what I done ?

I went down the cellar,
I found this old box full
of pictures of all of us.

Come on, youse guys.
You're all in these
pictures here.

Take a look at these.
Boy !

In the first one,
there I am with you,
Fred.

Joe.
See, I mixed them
up again.

You mixed it up again !
Funny ! Oh-ho.

Say, Archie,
can I use your phone ?
Eddie, sure.

Right back over here.
I'll be right back.

Come on, you guys.
Sit down over there.
Take a look at these.

Mike, go fix Eddie
his drink, huh ?

How 'bout
that Eddie Frazier ?
Some guy, ain't he ?

Plays golf with Bob hope,
but he's still
a regular guy.

Greg. Hey, Greg,
is that you ?

[ Chattering continues ]
Listen, fella.

I don't know how many times
I've left messages for you--

no, no, no.
I'm here in New York.

I've been waiting around that
stinking hotel room three days
waiting for you to call me back.

I got so lonely,
I even--

I even called up a few guys
I haven't seen since ye--

they say--
what ?
[ Laughter ]

What do you mean,
you didn't want to ?

Can't you spare me
five or ten minutes ?
It's been three years.

I've got a lot
to say to you.

Look, we got a lot
to say to each other.

Now, don't talk to me
like that, son.
I'm your father.

Uh, Mr. Frazier.
Uh, what ? Oh.
Thank you.

Eddie's some dresser.
Look at that suit.
Must be worth bucks.

- Get a load of the alligator
shoes he's got on him ?
- If they're real alligator.

What are you talkin' ?
Eddie wouldn't put his feet
in no phony alligator.

They gotta be bucks
anyway.
Sixty ? Ninety at least.

Alligator like that
comes only custom.

Oh, sure, sure,
I've made a lot
of mistakes.

You'll be making a few yourself
before you're through--

listen to me, Greg.
I am your father.
Don't make me beg !

[ Nervous chuckle ]

What I'm trying to say is,
I'm only gonna be in New York...

For another hours.

Well, let me put it this way.
Could you use $ ?

Five hundred dollars
for five minutes, huh ?

Five lousy minutes.
What do you say ?

Mike, don't be standing around.
Get everybody some ice.

- Did you get a load of
that watch Eddie's wearing ?
- One of those Swiss jobs.

A hundred and seventeen jewels
if it's worth a quarter.

But that ain't Swiss.
This guy buys American
a hundred percent.

Archie, look at Eddie.
I think he's crying.
Huh ?

What do you mean,
crying ?

He's crying
all the way to the bank
with million bucks.

What do I care ?

What do you mean ?
Would I be talking to you
like this if I didn't care ?

Because you're my son,
damn it !

Now, Greg, listen.
Don't hang up. Greg.
Don't hang up on me.

Oh.

I was just
talkin' to my son.
Great kid.

Great kid.
That boy could have
anything he wants from me.

What does he want
from you ?

Kids today, you know,
they're all this sort of--

he wants me to stay
the hell away from him.

Hey !
Eddie,
come on over here !

We were havin' an argument
about that watch
you're wearin'.

Is that one of them
fancy foreign jobs ?
Nah, that's an old watch.

I had it a long time.
I got it off a dead jap.
A dead jap ?

- You was in Italy with us.
- I didn't get it in the w*r.

My gardener died.

Hey, you guys.
You know Eddie sprung
for this party, huh ?

So let's have
a little toast to Eddie.
What do you say ?

Hey, what do you say ?
"He's a jolly good fellow" ?

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow
for he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ for he's a jolly
good fellow ♪

♪ which nobody can deny ♪

♪ which nobody can deny
which nobody can deny ♪

♪ for he's a jolly good fellow
for he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ for he's a jolly
good fellow ♪

♪ which nobody can deny ♪

yeah.

I bet you're glad
you didn't go to
no movies tonight.

Oh, yeah.

You met four
of the greatest guys
in the world.

I hope you remember
everything you've seen
tonight.

Don't worry, arch.
I'll never forget it.

Yeah.

♪ Bless them all ♪

♪ the long
and the short ♪

♪ and the tall ♪

♪ there'll be
no promotion ♪

♪ this side of the ocean ♪

♪ so cheer up, my lads ♪

♪ bless them all ♪

[ announcer ]
All in the family
was recorded on tape...

Before a live audience.