01x11 - Gloria Discovers Women's Lib

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♪ guys like us
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[ together ]
♪ those were the days ♪

♪ and you knew
where you were then ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ girls were girls
and men were men ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ mister, we could use a man ♪

♪ like Herbert hoover again ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ didn't need no welfare state ♪

[ Edith ]
♪ everybody pulled his weight ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ gee, our old lasalle
ran great ♪

♪ those were the days ♪

[ sniffs ]
Mmm, my, that smells good.

Mm-hmm.
No, ma, don't open it.
It'll fall.

Oh. You know,
this is the first time...

That I've made
something different
for Sunday breakfast...

Since before
I got married.

How does it feel
being creative again ?
Oh, good, I guess.

But I don't know.
I think your father's gonna
feel like a Guinea pig.

And I'm not so sure
he'll like it.

He'll have to accept it.

That's what
women's liberation
is all about.

You're an individual, too,
and you have to be free
to do your own thing.

I suppose.
Gee, I've enjoyed
this, ma.

Working with you
and talking.

Why, this is the first
real heart-to-heart
we've had maybe ever.

That's right.

It's been really great
'cause we've been
talking like friends.

Yeah, we worked ourselves up
from mother and daughter.

Oh, ma,
that's lovely.

You know what's nice, ma ?

I've told you things today
I never ever told anybody...

Except my very best
girlfriends.

Really ?
Yeah.

Gloria, come here.

Sit down.

Yeah, ma ? You got
some intimate girl stuff
you're gonna share with me ?

Well, nothing that I'd write
to dear Abby about.

Do you know that once
I kissed a boy...

For and a half minutes
nonstop ?

- Mother, no.
- It was a contest.

His name was
Scott flenderhook.

Oh, we-- we could have gone
for minutes,

only he had one bucktooth.

I got a sh**t' pain
from my upper lip
to my right temple.

Well, did you win
the contest ?
Oh, yeah.

The only couple
that came close...

Was Lucy shinado
and Melvin pransky.

Lucy had spaghetti for dinner,
with butter and garlic.

So after nine minutes,
they had to pull 'em apart.

You know, because Melvin
was turning green.

That's a funny story, ma.
I'm glad you shared it
with me.

Who's sharin' what
with who ?
Good morning, Archie.

Morning, daddy.
Ma just told me
the funniest story--

about how we met !

You remember, Archie.
It was in the puritan may
coffee shop.

Oh, yeah,
you was with that guy
flenderhook...

With the bicuspid
out to there.

Kissin' him must have been
like kissin' a nail.

Though you swore to me
you never done it.

[ Sniffs ]
What you got in here ?

Daddy, no !
What the hell
is in there ?

You'll see.
[ Timer bell dings ]

Oh, it's done.
We can take it out now.
Just wait, Archie.

You're gonna like it.
It's your breakfast.

Bacon souffle !

I ain't gonna eat
none of that.

What happened to
my eggs over easy
and my crispy bacon ?

Well, Gloria and I
were talking about
creative cooking,

and she found this recipe
right on the egg carton.

See ?

"A cheerful change
from the humdrum
morning fare."

You're a pip,
you know that ?

What day of the week
is this ?
Sunday.

What do I have for breakfast
every Sunday of my life,
Edith ?

[ Sighs ]
Prune juice,
just six ounces;

eggs over easy,
drain the grease;

bacon crispy,
drain the grease;

toast, three slices,
buttered lightly;
And coffee.

Mountain-grown.
Right.

And I don't need
no cheerful change from
the humdrum morning fare...

You just "emunerated."

Give me a regular
Archie bunker breakfast.
That's all I want.

Eggs over here,
bacon over there.

You can send that souffle
back to Charles de gaulle.

Daddy,
Charles de gaulle's dead.

That's right.
And I need a souffle
about as much as he does.

Boy, oh, boy,
a woman sure has no chance
to express herself around you.

It's as if
she were in prison.

She can't grow, can't change.
She's second-class,
half a person.

Hold it there,
little girl.

Them ain't your words.
Where are you getting
all that from ?

Oh, Gloria has been reading
a book about women's lib.

Oh, jeez.

Three books, daddy,
and I didn't read them,
I devoured them.

Not only that,
I had Michael read them too.
Mike ?

It ain't enough that he's
a pinko and an atheist.

You're gonna
turn him from a man
into a "morphodite."

What's a "morphodite" ?

A freak with
a little too much of each
and not enough of neither.

Michael isn't like you,
daddy.

He's open-minded
and flexible.

He recognizes--
and you better recognize too--

that women are individuals,
your wife is an individual.

She's entitled
to the same rights
and privileges as you.

Edith, are you listening
to this over here ?

A dreaded disease
is "infilterating"
our home,

and your daughter's
bringing it in here.

Next she'll have you
prancing around in hot pants
and burning your brassieres.

Oh, no, Archie.
I'm afraid of fire.

Even when I was a little girl,
I couldn't toast marshmallows.

I heard the story,
so get off it.

Somebody else had to
put it in the fire.

Stifle that, will you !
And then I would
pick it off the twig.

Will you stifle that !

Daddy, you just stop that
and let mother do her thing.

I'm waiting for her
to do her thing,

and her thing on a Sunday
morning is eggs over easy
and crispy bacon.

And drainin' the grease off.
I'll fix it for you
right away, Archie.

Please !
Mother, no !

"Mother, no" ?
What is she doing
anyway ?

Submitting to him,
that's what she's doing.

Submitting to
her king, her ruler,
her lord and master.

Gee, I couldn't have
said that better myself.

You're into that
women's lib thing, huh ?

We was into it,
and now we're out of it.

Will you tell your wife
to stop putting fancy ideas
into her mother's head...

'Cause they don't
belong there.

It's like puttin' lace
on a bowlin' ball.

Mother, how can you just
lie down and be stepped on
this way ?

Well, I'm not lying down.

And I don't feel like
I'm being stepped on.

I'll get your eggs, Archie.
You see what you're
doing to her ?

You're choking her spirit,
her entire personality.

Here's a woman
who will never ever realize
her full potential,

and it's all because
of you, daddy.

I just wanna eat.

Tell him, Michael.
Tell him what he's
doing to her.

It's none of my business.

The oppressed blacks
are your business.

Discrimination
against puerto ricans
and Jews and poles...

And every other minority
is your business.

- What about discrimination
against women ?
- It's not the same thing.

How can you say that ?
You read the books.

Yes, I read the books,
but that doesn't mean
I buy the whole bag.

Yes, I believe women
should have equal
job opportunities.

Yes, I believe they
should have equal pay.
You better believe in it.

But I don't believe in a woman
opening up her big mouth
around the house.

So shut up, will you !
Like hell I will !

Gloria bunker !

Her name's not bunker.
It's stivic.

Don't be swearing
around the house,
Gloria bunker.

- Her name's Gloria stivic.
- Whatever.

Oughta be ashamed of herself,
swearing around the house,
and in front of her mother,

and on a Sunday morning,
and, Edith, I'm hungry !

I think you ought
to be ashamed.

You and my husband,
who I thought I knew,
and now I see I don't.

I'm gonna tell you something
about my mother and me.
You do not own us.

We are free and equal
human beings...

Who represent
half the population
of this earth,

the female population.

And we're tired
of being exploited by men,

tired of you holding us down
and then keeping us back.

If you continue
to exploit us,

we're gonna rise up
against you someday...

Like our black sisters
and our chicano sisters...

And all the other
oppressed sisters !

I don't know what I'm
saying anymore, but you men
better believe it !

[ Sobbing ]

Edith, I cannot have
my Sunday mornings
ruined this way.

I've never seen her
get like that.

What time of the month
is it ?

No, it ain't that,
Archie.

She's really upset.

That was quite a scene
you put on down there.

It's not funny, Michael.

I may not be able to
express it well, but you know
what women's lib means to me.

How could you say
those things to me
down there ?

Because you know how upset
I've been all weekend
about my grades.

I'm uptight about them.
They're coming
in tomorrow's mail.

My whole scholarship
depends on them.

We're talking about me
and my problems now.

Why can't you see
how much this means to me ?

Uh, look, Gloria,
I'm sorry.

I'm just a little nervous,
that's all.

But you know how I feel
about equality
between the sexes.

I'm not sure anymore.
How do you feel ?

I believe in total equality
between man and woman.

But that equality
can only come about
when the female partner...

Is willing to confess
her total inferiority.

I'm your equal as soon
as I admit to you...

That I'm totally
inferior ?
Yes.

You're insane, Michael !
You're out of your head !
Wait a second.

Gloria, you're upset because
you forgot I don't really
think women are inferior.

It's just a game,
a game dictated by nature.

Didn't I ever explain this
to you before ?

Sit down, I'll explain it
to you again.

You, the woman,
come to me, the man,

and you admit that
you're weaker, more needful
and you're inferior.

Oh, no !
The minute you admit to me
that you're inferior,

my maleness
is satisfied,

I can immediately
elevate you to a level
of complete equality.

But, Michael--
wait a second.

Don't you see that you
gotta let me, the male,
make the decision ?

Then we're forever equal,
and the question doesn't
have to come up again.

Don't you remember me
explaining this to you ?

My male-female
game plan.

Oh, yeah, yeah, that.
I remember that now.

That was the night
of our engagement party.
Right. There you go.

You found a bottle of wine,
and after everyone was gone,

we sat on the floor
in front of a gooseneck lamp,

pretending it
was a fireplace.
Oh, yeah.

We're sober now, Michael,
and we're older.

And I do not want
to say I'm inferior.
That is dumb.

That is not dumb !

That is the essence
of the whole male-female
relationship.

Then I suppose
I'm too dumb to see it.

You said it, not me.
You don't take me seriously.

Why should you ?
We women, we're nothing
but sex objects.

What's wrong with that ?
Michael !

I should be that lucky !

One more dumb joke,
and I'm leaving you.
You understand that ?

I'm leaving you
on the next dumb joke.

You would do that,
wouldn't you ?

Knowing how uptight I am
about my grades,

knowing that my whole
future depends on it,
you would do that.

You did it again.
We're back to you
and your problem.

That's right,
because my problem involves
our whole future together.

It's more important
than yours !
Because I'm only a woman.

That's the way men feel--
your problems are always
greater than ours.

Well ?

And the declaration
of independence says
we're all created equal.

Ha !
It says all men
are created equal.

The declaration
of independence
says nothing about women !

If that's as much
as I mean to you,

if that's as serious
as you're gonna take me--

what are you doing ?
What does it
look like I'm doing ?

I'm packing a suitcase.
You're gonna leave ?
Fine !

I'll help you.
Here are your blouses.
Go ahead !

[ Arguing continues ]

Archie, you better
go up there and stop that.

[ Mike ]
Get out of here !
You're making me crazy !

Let fightin' dogs lie.

Well, if you're not
gonna stop it, I will.

No, Edith.
Now, that, I forbid.

Let 'em fight.

If we're lucky,
maybe she'll teach him a lesson
and throw him outta here.

You can't mean that.
You're acting
like a child !

You're acting irrationally.
Why can't we talk about this
like rational people ?

[ Arguing continues ]
What is the suitcase for ?

Mother, I'm doing this
just as much for you
as I am for myself.

Wait a second.
[ Edith ]
Where are you going ?

If anybody wants me,
I'll be at Trudy's.

You leave this house
while I am uptight
about my grades,

don't bother coming back,
you hear me ?

Wait a minute, meathead.
It's her house !

I don't want to
come back,

not till you
learn to treat me
as an equal partner.

You want to be treated
as a partner ?

Then why don't you act
like a partner and not some
silly little windup doll ?

Windup doll, huh ?
Is that the way
you think of me ?

Well, if that's what
you think of me,

then this is your little
windup doll saying,
"over and out !"

Well, Edith,
it looks like we
lost a daughter...

But we gained
a meathead.

Oh, that empty chair.

Do you have to do that, ma ?
I mean, don't we feel
bad enough already ?

Look how sorry he is.
He's eating his food
and Gloria's too.

I told you,
when I'm nervous, I eat.

I'm nervous
about the grades.

They're coming in the morning.
My whole scholarship
depends on it.

His wife leaves him,
and all he can think
about's his grades.

That's not all I'm
thinking about, Archie.

I love Gloria very much.
It's because I love her that
I'm worried about my grades.

Because it means
our future together.

Will you look at him.
He's eatin' like
he's gonna be hung.

Let me ask you something,
Sonny boy.

Suppose Gloria stays away
for two, maybe three months.

What do you figure to do ?

I mean, this is a unique
family group we got here.

Two parents
and a son-in-law.

[ Doorbell rings ]
Oh, I'll get it.

And no matter who it is,
nobody has to know
where Gloria is.

All right, Edith.

Our neighbors don't
have to know our business.
All right, Edith.

So don't say nothin' !
All right, Edith !

Hi, Mrs. bunker.
Here's your cleaning.
Lionel, thank you.

Hi, Mike, Mr. bunker.
Hey, where's Gloria ?
No place.

Oh, we don't know.

I mean, we do know,
but we can't tell.

Archie, can't you
answer him ?

Oh, what a dingbat.

I'll hang these
upstairs.

What was
all that about ?

Our two turtledoves here
had a little spat.

Gloria's staying over
at one of her girlfriend's.

Wait, you mean Mike
and Gloria had a fight
at her house,

and she left ?

Don't seem right to you
neither, does it, Lionel ?

I gotta admit,
it's not your average
situation.

Will you lay off me ?
I get enough of that
from him.

It's your own fault !

You bring them wacky books
into this house,

turn the whole place
upside down with that
women's lib. Gee !

You people involved,
Lionel, with that
women's liberation ?

Uh, no, not too much.
See, we're still working
on plain old liberation.

I'll see you people later.

Hello.
Hi, Gloria.
Hello, Lionel.

Gloria.
Excuse me, sir.

Hello, daddy.
I just came home to pick up
a few more of my things.

Hope your husband's
one of 'em.

Oh, Gloria !

Hello, mother.
I just came home to get
some more of my clothes.

Mike, she's home !

Aren't you gonna do nothin'
to keep her here ?

What do you want me to do ?
She left me.

Men have their pride too,
you know.

Ohh ! Oh, men !

Some man you are.

She's gonna be gone in a few
minutes, and you stand there
talking about your pride.

What do you want ?
Aren't we on the same side ?

Haven't you always told me
a man's home is his castle
and he's gotta be the king ?

When you got
a home of your own,
you'll be king.

In the meantime,
this is my home,
and I'm the king.

And the princess
in this story is upstairs.

And you're the lowly
pheasant with the job
of keeping her here.

I know, I know, ma.
Yesterday we were talking
like friends.

But today you're coming on
like my mother.

Well, maybe if you
was to call me Edith.

Yeah.

Then we could talk
like friends again,

and I could help you.

Oh, ma, you can't help.
You have the same problems
we have.

And you haven't
solved them.

There's no equality
in your marriage.

Whatever daddy says goes,
and you're just a dutiful
little woman...

Waiting to serve
the master.

Oh, well, that's what
it looks like, I know.

But how do you know
that what you see...

Is all there is ?

Gloria,
now tell me,

why did you come back
today, really ?

Because I miss him.

Oh, Edith !

You got the mail ?
Let me see.
Wait a minute, big shot.

There might be one or two
little items here for me,
you know.

"Occupant, occupant,

occupant."

Oh, "resident."

That's real funny.

Come on there,
will ya ?

Take it easy.
"Occupant."

Oh,
"Mr. Michael stivic,"

meathead.

Hey, Edith,
the grades are here.

Oh, your grades came, Mike.
How are they ?

What's the story ?
Are you still in school
or are you out ?

Well, tell us, Mike.

Uh, they're good--
two b's and an "a."

Oh, that's wonderful !
Don't you think so,
Archie ?

Jeez, I'm overdone.

Gloria, listen to me.

If a tree falls in a forest,
and no one hears it,
does it make a sound ?

Uh, look.

I just got my grades,

and I opened them up
and I looked at them,

and the fact that
I got two b's and an "a"
didn't mean anything to me.

There they were,
staring me in the face,
two b's and an "a."

Without you
to share it with me,
I didn't experience it.

I didn't feel anything.

I got two b's
and an "a," didn't I ?

Yes, Michael.
I did !
I can feel it now !

I got two b's
and an "a" !

I'm so proud of you.
You see what I mean ?

When you're not there
to share something with me,
I don't experience it.

It's as if I don't exist
without you.

I feel the same way
you do, Michael.

So don't you see
what that means ?

If we don't exist without
each other, if we can't feel
anything without each other,

then we need each other as much,
therefore we're equal.

You're right.
We are equal.
We are totally equal.

Oh, Michael.

In this room.

In this room ?
Yes !

In here, you're my equal.
Out there, you're my wife.

Out there you're
my husband, equal.

No, no, no.
I never agreed to that.

By equal, I mean in here,
out there, everywhere.

You're talking like
a male chauvinist.

And you're talking
like a feminist !

When we're talking
about men and women--

wait a minute.
When we're talking
about women and men !

Oh, semantics !
She's k*lling me
with semantics !

[ Arguing continues ]

How long
has he been up there
showing her his grades ?

Oh, must be an hour
and ten minutes anyway.

In the middle of the day.

Does seem
like a long time...

To go over two b's
and an "a."

We made up.

Whoopee.

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All in the family
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