01x09 - Edith Has Jury Duty

[bunniefuu]

[ Announcer ]
From television city
in Hollywood.

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ guys like us
we had it made ♪

[ together ]
♪ those were the days ♪

♪ and you knew
where you were then ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ girls were girls
and men were men ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ mister, we could use a man ♪

♪ like Herbert hoover again ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ didn't need no welfare state ♪

[ Edith ]
♪ everybody pulled his weight ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ gee, our old lasalle
ran great ♪

♪ those were the days ♪

hi.
Oh, hi, ma.
Tell me, how'd it go ?

Is your father home ?

No, not yet.
Oh, thank heavens.

On the bus
I said a little prayer
that I'd get here first,

but I really didn't
think it would work.

Maybe I got time
to fix him something
before he gets here.

Oh, don't worry, mom.
I'm warming up
yesterday's leftovers.

Ohh ! Thank you.
So tell me,
what happened ?

Oh, Gloria,
it was an experience.

Hi, Mike.
[ Mike ]
Hi.

Wait'll I hang up my coat
and I'll tell ya all about it.

How'd it go ?
Oh, Mike,
it was so exciting.

Well, tell us about it.
Wait'll your father
finds out.

I kept pinching myself
the whole time I was there...

To make sure I wasn't
watching some movie.

Imagine me, Edith bunker,

a member of the jury.

Ooh !

Even now,
feel those goose bumps.

Oh, funny, they was there
a minute ago.

Wish we coulda been
there to see ya, ma.
What was it like ?

Oh, well,
it was very important
and formal-like.

And they really do
bang those hammers.

I thought I'd jump
outta my skin the first time.

And the judge is so elegant
in his black robes.

He looks just like
Spencer Tracy.

Ooh ! There they are !

Wow, that's goose bumps !

Hey, ma, is it a big case ?

I, uh-- I ain't allowed
to discuss it.

Yeah, but, ma,
you can tell us
which case you're on.

Oh, I don't know.
The judge says we wasn't allowed
to discuss it at all.

And he said we might
stay down there for a while.

I'll have to pack a bag
and everything.
[ Gloria ] Oh.

I don't know what the world
is comin' to nowadays.
Oh, Archie !

I tell ya,
it's gettin' worse
and worse by the minute.

[ Grunts ]
It's dog-eat-dog
out there, Edith.

Why ? What happened ?
One thing after another.

Comin' home on the subway train,
some guy decides to throw
himself in front of the train.

Holds the whole thing up
for minutes.

He couldn't do it
in the middle of the day.
He's gotta pick the rush hour.

Would you get them two dogs
off the coffee table ?

How was your day,
Archie ?

How does it sound like,
Edith ?
My day was terrific !

Whoopee.

On top of everything else, they
was doin' reconstruction work
down at the building.

They had a hole tore
in one of the walls there.

It was like workin'
in the north pole
with the wind whippin' through.

It's a wonder
I ain't got the bug.

- Now, what's that look for ?
- What look, Archie ?

You got that same look
the time you gave cents
to the black panthers...

Because you thought
they were gonna preserve
our wildlife.

What did you do now ?

Oh ! I didn't do nothin'.

I'm on jury duty, Archie.

Isn't that exciting,
daddy ?

You're on a jury, huh ?
[ Edith ]
Yeah !

Well, what's the big deal
about that ?

They want people like your
mother down there...

Because they know they got
no "preconscrewed" ideas.

To put it another way,
they know she don't
know too much.

What's the use ?
Come on, Michael,
and help me with dinner.

We'll get dinner, ma.
I'll set the table.

What kind of case
you on there, Edith ?
A traffic violation ?

I ain't at liberty
to discuss it.

What do you mean,
you ain't at liberty
to discuss it ?

I'll ask you again, Edith.
What kind of case you on ?

His honor says I can't, Archie,
not until it's all over.

Sorry.

Edith, I can understand
you don't wanna go around...

Discussin' the case
with total strangers.

But after all, your own
flesh and blood husband,
huh ? Come on !

His honor didn't say nothin'
about tellin' husbands.

Well, no, he didn't
come right out and say,
"go home and tell your husband."

He took it for granted
that's what you're gonna do.
Come on !

Oh, sorry.
Edith !

I never
held nothin' back
from you ever.

I even told you our
secret vows from the lodge.
Oh, yeah.

Yeah.
The secret vow.

Oni, oni, oni,
oni, poof--
stifle that, will ya !

You ain't alone in here.

I could get black-busted
by the brothers if they
ever found I told you that.

Anyway,
the vows from the lodge
ain't the point, Edith.

It's our marriage vows--

till death do us part,
for better, for worse,
in secrets and in health.

Oh, sorry.

Let's go, folks.
Soup's on.

Archie, did ma tell you
anything about the trial ?

I don't wanna hear
nothin' about it !

I know all about
that stuff anyway.

I served my time
on the jury.

He did ?
[ Edith ]
Well, almost.

He was thrown off right away
'cause he insulted
the defense attorney.

I didn't insult him.

I told him what I thought of
pinko bleedin'-heart lawyers
defendin' K*llers !

He asked me what I thought
of capital punishment,
and I told him.

For minutes.

It's a proven fact that
capital punishment is a
well-known "detergent" to crime.

That's bull !

Capital punishment
has never been proven
to be a deterrent to crime.

We believe it is
in this house, buddy.

Well, do you believe in
capital punishment, ma ?

Well, yeah, I guess so.

[ Gloria ]
Mother !

Well, so long as it
ain't too severe.

Let me just ask you somethin',
Professor, you who don't believe
in capital punishment.

Suppose you was
to come home some fine day
and find your wife's throat cut.

Now, are you gonna tell me
you wouldn't be itchin' to fry
the guy that cut that throat ?

No.
What good would that do ?

You see this guy ?
You see what you married ?

Some fiend could come in here
and m*rder you, and he ain't
gonna lift a finger to help !

Archie, if I k*lled
that m*rder*r, would that
bring Gloria back ? No.

An eye for an eye
is not the answer.
The problem rests with society.

He's always blamin' everything
on society !

Listen, if you're gonna
blame society for m*rder,

what we oughta do
is turn the k*ller loose,
give him a pension for life...

And go out and sh**t
the rest of the city !

[ Doorbell ringing ]
I'll get it.

I don't feel like
eating now.
Why ?

I keep thinking about myself
with my throat cut.

Oh, Clara, come in.
Will you have
some food with us ?

No, thank you. I'm on a diet.
Everything goes to my hips.

I just stopped by
to tell you I had to cook
in the lower oven tonight.

Is that so, Clara ?

You know, we've got one of
them electrics with two ovens.

I always use the top
and put my pots and pans
in the bottom.

Well, tonight
the top caught fire,

and I had to cook
in the bottom.

Ohh.

You came all the way over
to tell Edith that, huh ?

Yes !
You know, when you're used
to doing something one way,

and without warning
you gotta change ?

It can really
throw you off.

Uh, bye.

Clara, I'm so glad
you stopped by.
I was gonna call you later.

Could I borrow your valise ?

The one you took to buffalo,
with the pretty stickers
of niagara falls ?

Oh, sure.
I've been picked
for jury duty.

I may have to stay
in a hotel for a while.

Oh, isn't that special,
Edith.

You must be so excited.

It must be a very big,
big case if they
want you to stay over.

I'll go get the valise
and bring it back
in a little while.

Thank you, Clara.

And it was nice
hearing about your ovens.

Wait a minute !
You didn't say nothin'
about stayin' in no hotel.

How long does the judge think
this thing is gonna take ?

Well, he didn't say.
At least a week.

A week ?

Or more.
Or more ?

Sorry.

It's a m*rder case,
isn't it, ma ?

Oh, I'll bet it's
the Rodriguez case.

Hey, if it's that case,
you better eat up, arch.

You may not taste
mom's cookin' for weeks--
maybe months.

- Look at that manson trial.
That's almost a year.
- [ Gloria ] Yeah.

Edith, I got the bug !

No, I mean it.

Remember I was tellin' you about
that hole in the buildin' there,
and the wind blowin' through ?

Well, I think
I got somethin'.
What are you lookin' at ?

I'm not lookin' at anything !

Don't gimme
none of your fish eyes !

I happen to be sick.
I feel the first warning chill.

I think I better call up
and maybe not go to work
in the morning.

Yeah, really.
You know, you gotta
take care of these things.

They could lead
to complications.
Fever today, funeral tomorrow.

You ain't even warm.

That don't mean nothin',
Edith.

Now, I hate to do this,

but you'll have to call up
the court and just tell 'em
ya can't make it.

Tell 'em there's an emergency
in your home, which nobody
can argue with that.

But, Archie,
I've already been selected.

Edith...
Who selected you first ?

What are you waitin' for ?

I'm thinkin' it over.

You don't have to think.
Do like I tell ya.

Make the phone call.
Go ahead, Edith.
Pick it up.

And when you're done,
uh,

you better bring me
some hot water
and lemon juice... upstairs.

And bring me
that vaporizer.

And then I'm gonna need
that electric heating pad
for under me.

Find the bed tray,
because you're gonna
have to bring me my meals...

Upstairs where
I'll be in the bed.

Now, go on, Edith.

Would you find that bed tray ?
I think it's in the cupboard
under the sink.

Ma, are you really gonna
serve him his meals in bed ?

Oh, no.
I guess you will.

I'll be on jury duty.

Gloria, you home ?

Meathead ?

A man comes home from work,
and what's there to meet him ?

Two bags of garbage.

[ Gloria ]
Daddy ? You home ?

Daddy ?

Daddy ?

Oh, hi, daddy.
You been home long ?

About minutes.

A lot you care.
A man comes home from work,
nobody here.

No food in the house.
Your mother down at that hotel,
livin' it up.

Youse two loafin' around
the courtroom all day...

Watchin' her like she was
some kind of a movie star.

If you went down there
to see her, daddy,

you'd be proud to see mom
serving on that jury.

I'd be proud to see your mother
right back home here,
servin' me my dinner.

I wanna ask you somethin',
Archie.

You mean to tell me you're not
the least bit interested...

In your wife sitting on
one of the hottest m*rder trials
in the country ?

Ah, what's so hot
about it, huh ?

They got better murders
on the late show.

This thing is an
open-and-shut case.
Wait a minute.

I admit, it doesn't look too
good for Rodriguez, but that
doesn't mean it's open-and-shut.

Listen, listen, listen, listen.
The d.A. Nailed the coffin down
on that guy yesterday.

There's two witnesses seen him
go home to his apartment house
up in Spanish Harlem.

Another witness seen him
go into the apartment.

All right. He goes in there,
he finds his old lady in there
with another spick.

What does he do ?
He whips out his switchblade,
and zap !

Sends him to that big taco stand
up in the sky.

What do you expect ?

I mean, look at the way
those puerto ricans
are caged up in those slums.

It's no wonder
the tension builds.

They don't like it there,
let 'em get outta there.

I ain't makin' 'em live there.

See, that's the trouble with
you liberals. You're always
tryin' to put the--

oh, good night, nurse,
look at this.
Oh, what is it ?

"The jury in the Rodriguez trial
was sent--" oh, listen, read
it yourself. It's right there.

"The jury in the Rodriguez trial
was sent back to continue
deliberations today...

"After the judge refused
to accept a hung jury.

It is rumored that
one lone juror is blocking
a unanimous verdict."

"Lone juror."

They should've said
"lone dingbat."

Everything satisfactory,
ladies ?
Oh, wonderful.

My compliments
to the "chief."

Mm. Aren't you gonna eat
your chicken croquettes ?
They're very good.

If they taste anything like
that gray hamburger we had
last night, I don't want any.

Mm, I thought
that was delicious.

[ Sighs ]
You must eat out a lot,
Mrs. bunker.

Well, actually, we don't.

The last time we ate out
was our anniversary
three years ago.

Unless, of course,
you count snack bars.

I never count snack bars.

Uh, Mrs. bunker,
I'd like you to consider
that if it weren't for you,

all of us on the jury
could be back with our families
enjoying home-cooked meals.

I think it's nice
for someone else to do
the cooking for a change.

Well, personally,
I prefer my own Eric
to prepare dinner.

Your husband
does the cooking ?

Eric is my chef.
He's from Paris.

Paris ?

Oh, my.

I'll bet his croquettes
are somethin', huh ?

[ Sighs ]

Aren't you gonna
eat nothin' ?
Just coffee.

Mm, it's a shame
to waste 'em.

Mm, my Archie
would love those
in his lunch box...

With an orange
and a twinkie.

A twinkie ?

Yeah, they're
those little cakes.

They're about that long,
and they have cream
in the center.

Some of them are devil's food
with chocolate on the outside.
Mrs. bunker.

I don't care to hear
about your twinkies !

I just want to go home !

I simply don't understand
why you keep insisting
that Rodriguez is innocent,

when three neighbors
said they saw him
entering the building.

They could've
been mistaken.

Three different people ?

Oh, it could've been
somebody else.

You said yourself
that all puerto ricans
look alike.

To us, not to each other.

I don't know.
There's something about the way
he keeps saying he's innocent.

Oh, that doesn't mean a thing.
All those people are born liars.

Besides, you have the neighbors
who say they saw him.

Well, if they was
all born liars,

how can you believe
the neighbors ?

Because they're not accused
of anything.

Mrs. bunker,
it's time we stopped
coddling these criminals.

Those mad dogs
have got to be
put behind bars.

He's not a mad dog.
He's a nice-looking young boy.

Well, then look at it
this way--

we'd be doing that
nice-looking young boy
a favor...

By taking him out of
that rat-infested ghetto,

and put into a nice,
clean prison.

Still, his honor said,

"a man has to be guilty
beyond a reasonable doubt."

Eleven of us say
he's guilty.

Well, I got
a reasonable doubt.

And you're being totally
unreasonable about it !

I-I don't mean to be.

Mrs. stonehurst,

an important person
like you...

Probably makes decisions
all the time, huh ?

The only decisions I ever make
is what to serve for dinner,

or how much starch
to put in Archie's collars.

In all--

in all my life,
this is the first time...

Anybody has asked me
my opinion...

About something
that really matters.

And they'll probably
never ask me again.

So you see,
Mrs. stonehurst,

this is really important.

And I--
I'd hate to be wrong.

[ Knocking ]
Who is it ?

[ Man ]
It's the bailiff.
Everybody down to the lobby.

Judge wants everyone back
in the courtroom right away.

The bus is leaving
in minutes.
Thank you !

We better get dressed
right away.

Uh, can I help you take off
some of the creams ?

♪ [ Tv: Funk, indistinct ]

♪ I want to take you higher ♪
♪ higher ♪

♪ yeah ♪
♪ higher ♪

why do you let
your wife do that ?

I'm gettin' rid of it.
Aw, come on, daddy.
We're just waitin' for the news.

We can wait
with the sound off.
[ Clicks off volume ]

Ohh !

Sounds like
new year's Eve
in the nuthouse.

Chair ?

Dogs off the coffee table.

They'll probably say
somethin' on the news
about the trial, daddy.

What can they say, except
your mother's down there...

Throwin' a monkey wrench
into the halls of justice.

- They oughta have
professional juries anyhow.
- What do you mean ?

I mean, people who are trained
to be on juries.

That's crazy.

Well, it ain't half as crazy
as what you got now.

You got a judge who spends
half his life in school.

Then he goes on to become a
lawyer, then he's a lower judge
and he's upper judge.

Works himself up
to a big m*rder trial.

Does he get to decide
who's innocent or guilty ?
No, no.

That decision's made
by five salesmen,
three bank tellers,

a couple of plumbers,
a seamstress and a dingbat.

There's the news.
[ Clicks on volume ]

[ Man on tv ] President Nixon
today flew from the summer
white house in Florida--

to the summer white house
in California.

Dummy up, you.

[ Tv continues ] There's been
a dramatic turn of events in
the Juan Rodriguez m*rder case.

Details of these
and other stories coming up
on tonight's big news...

Right after this message.
[ Clicks off volume ]

"A dramatic turn of events" ?
I wonder what happened.
[ Door opens ]

Hi, everybody !
Ma !

Ma ! Welcome back !
They were just talking
about the case on the news.

They said something about
"dramatic turn of events."
Oh, Archie !

Oh !

I missed you so much !

You're back, huh ?

Yeah !
How do you feel ?

I didn't eat nothin' tonight.

You di-- Gloria !

I made dinner.
He just wouldn't eat.

Could you go out
and make us a sandwich
and some coffee, Edith ?

Ohh !
Sure, Archie.

Right away.
Here, Gloria.

But, ma, you gotta tell us
about the case !
What about the case ?

The case !
I don't wanna hear no more
about that case !

Let her make me
a sandwich and coffee.
Yeah.

[ Gasps ]
Look ! It's me on tv !

Ohh !
Turn up the sound !
Turn up the sound !

[ Man ] Mrs. bunker,
would you tell us
some of your impressions ?

[ Edith ]
Well, I loved the hotel.

I mean, what are
your impressions
of the trial ?

His honor says
i ain't allowed
to talk about it.

But, Mrs. bunker,
the trial is over.
Sorry.

That was Mrs. Edith bunker,

the lone juror
who held out for two days
in the Rodriguez m*rder trial.

I knew it !
Now the whole world knows it !
[ Mike ] I can't hear !

...To maintain Rodriguez
was innocent.

And Mrs. bunker was proven right
at the th hour...

When a taxi driver,
Norton Rogers, broke down today
and confessed to the crime.

You were right !
Mom !

Mom, I'm so proud
of you !
Huh ? You see ?

See what ?

All I see is,
I'm home for two weeks
starvin' to death,

while your mother-in-law
is down there at that court,
wastin' the taxpayers' money...

Tryin' the wrong guy !

Oh, Clara,
I'm so glad you came by.

I want to thank you
for the loan of your valise.
My pleasure.

It isn't every day
we have a prominent jurist
gracing our midst.

[ Edith ]
Oh ! [ Chuckles ]

It was pretty exciting
for me too.

Every time I think of it,
I get goose bumps.

Oh, even now ! Look !

Oh, darn. Gone again.

I brought you something.

A new sticker !
Mm-hmm.

From the queens tower hotel.

[ Clara gasps ]
Why don't you autograph it
for her, Edith ?

- Oh-- oh, would you ?
- Oh, sure !

Where shall I sign it, huh ?
Right here ?

You can sign it
right there.
Thanks.

[ Announcer ]
All in the family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.