01x07 - Mike's Hippie Friends Come to Visit

[bunniefuu]

[ Announcer ]
From television city
in Hollywood.

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ guys like us
we had it made ♪

[ together ]
♪ those were the days ♪

♪ and you knew
where you were then ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ girls were girls
and men were men ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ mister, we could use a man ♪

♪ like Herbert hoover again ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ didn't need no welfare state ♪

[ Edith ]
♪ everybody pulled his weight ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ gee, our old lasalle
ran great ♪

♪ those were the days ♪

paleolithic:
Relating to the second period
of the stone age.
Right.

Next question.

"Neolithic."
The final period
of the stone age.

Right again.

Michael, you're gonna
pass this test so easy.

Okay, what's "mesoic" ?
No, no, no.
That's mesozoic.

Mes-a-what ?
Look, say--
say it with me.

[ Together ]
Mesozoic.

[ Laughs ] That's fun.
Let's do that again.
Say it with me.

[ Gloria ]
All right. Mesozoic.
Mesozoic.

Let's try something
a little tougher, huh ?

Engelbert humperdinck.

You know what youse look like ?
A couple of guppies.

Hey, I got one.

[ Together ]
Archie bunker.

I got another one.
Mmm.

The mamas and the papas.

One more.
Spiro agnew.

Now don't do that
on that name.

Come on, daddy.
We're just having
a little fun.

"Fun" ? Youse are always
peckin' and grabbin'
at each other.

Sometimes I think
youse are gonna do yourselves
serious injury.

Now, where the hell
is this stuff ?

You lookin'
for something, Archie ?

No, Edith, I'm--
I'm takin' a walk
down memory Lane.

How do you expect me
to find anything in here,

with all this stuff
and all the boxes here ?

And what do you
call this, Edith, huh ?

That was
a Christmas present.

What fathead
would spend any money
on a thing like that ?

From your mother.

Seven years ago.

It came with five pounds
of choc-- [ Echoing ]

Chocolate chip cookies.
[ Echoing ]

[ Laughing ]

Put it down,
will ya.

Where did you lose
the tube of instant glue
that I bought last month ?

I put it in that box.
Let me look for it.

I been all through
that box, Edith.

Well, I know
it's here somewhere.

What do you need
the instant glue for, Archie ?

You can't find it,
huh, Edith ?
I didn't say that.

Well, show me
where it is, huh ?

Can't you use a nail ?

Edith, if you can't find
the thing, why don't you
simply say so ?

I can't find it.

What do you mean
you can't find it ?

You sure
you can't use a nail ?

How am I gonna nail
a toilet roll holder
to that tile wall up there ?

Oh, very hilarious.

I'd like to see youse two
chasing that roll
across the bathroom floor.

I busted my head
on the bathtub.

Archie, that holder's
been off for days.

Well, why didn't you
fix it, meathead, huh,

instead of layin'
around here all of the time,
tryin' to swallow your wife ?

All right.
I'll pick up some tile cement
and fix it tomorrow, okay ?

Whoa, listen to
the boy, Edith.

He's actually threatenin'
to do somethin' around here.

Daddy, stop it.
Michael does more odd jobs
around the house than you do.

She's right, Archie.
He did fix the light
in the kitchen.

The polack
changed a lightbulb.

Don't make out
he rewired the joint.

Archie, for your information,
I did more than change
a lightbulb.

And for your
further edification,

calling me a polack
is not gonna bother me.

I happen to be proud
of my Polish heritage.

What heritage ?
You come from a long line
of bowling teams.

Yeah ? And you come from
a long line of boneheads.

What ?
You think with
your mind closed.

And you eat
with your mouth open.

You know, you are
totally incomprehensible.

Maybe so, but I make
a lot of sense.

[ Doorbell ringing ]

I'll-- what's
the matter ?
Uh, uh, wait, wait.

I forgot to tell him.
Michael !
Tell me what ?

- He didn't give me a chance.
- Tell me what ?

You were too busy
callin' him names.

Shut up and tell me
what he didn't tell me.
[ Both speaking ]

Hold it. One at a time.
Hold it !
[ Both speaking ]

One dingaling
at a time.
[ Both speaking ]

Shut up, and let me
answer the door.
[ Doorbell ringing ]

Who and what is this,
and why is it here ?

Paul, come on in.
How ya doin' ?
Hi, Paul !

It's good to see you.
[ Paul ]
Nice to see you.

Archie, you remember
Paul goodrow.

Paul goodrow ?
He was my best man
at the wedding.

You were there.

I remember him,
but who's this ?

[ Mike ]
It's him.

This is that nice boy
with the combed hair and
a pressed suit ? Paul goodrow ?

Hi, Mr. bunker, how--
stay over there.

Sit down and
make yourself comfortable.

So this is what
they didn't tell me, huh ?

That this individual
was comin' over
to the house...

At P.M. o'clock
in the middle of the night.

Yeah, well, we also wanted
to tell you that we invited
Paul to stay over tonight.

Oh, stay over.
Jeez, you hear that, Edith ?

I send in
the mortgage payments.

They send out
the invitations.

But, Archie,
any friend of the kids
is a friend of ours.

Right ?
Not necessarily.

Oh, Archie. Paul,
you're welcome here anytime.

Just like it says
on our doormat.

- Our doormat says
"the bunkers," Edith.
- Oh, no, Archie.

- Our doormat says "welcome."
- No, Edith, our doormat
says "the bunkers."

-But I'm sure it says "welcome."
-Well, we'll settle it
right now, Edith.

I'll go out and get the doormat,
and I'll show youse all
it don't say "welcome" !

I'm sure it does.
Edith !

Why does our doormat
say "the mcnabs" ?

Oh, that's right,
I forgot.

Ellen mcnab's police dog
chewed our mat up last month,

and I couldn't very well
ask her to pay for it.

I mean, what with the dog
getting so sick.

So I let her lend us theirs
until we got a new one.

We can't have this
outside our house, Edith.
We ain't the mcnabs.

Well, the Petersons' doormat
says "welcome,"

but I couldn't very well
borrow theirs.

After all,
it wasn't their dog
that chewed up our mat.

What has the Petersons' dog
got to do with anything ?

The Petersons
don't have a dog.

Petersons,
bunkers or mcnabs,

this mat don't say
"welcome" on it.

Listen, I'll just drop it
outside for you, and then
I'll bring my things in.

He's gonna bring his things in ?
Why did you say that weirdo
could stay overnight ?

Daddy, Paul is not
a weirdo, and besides,
you used to like him.

Yes, I liked him
when he was a nice, clean
engineerin' student.

He used to dream
about building
Bridges and banks.

Now he looks like someone
who wants to blow 'em up !

There you go again,
labeling people.

Why can't you forget
what Paul looks like and
accept him for what he is ?

All right.
What is he ?

He's a nice boy,
and he only wants
to stay for one night.

He's leaving for Europe
in the morning.

You give some of them weirdos
one night, they take a month.

[ Paul ]
That didn't take
too long, did it ?

Robin, I didn't know
you were along.
Robin, how are ya ?

[ Mike ]
Good to see you.

[ Mike ]
How ya doin' ?

Mr. and Mrs. bunker,
this is Robin.

A million dogs and cats
decoratin' the streets
of this neighborhood,

and she comes barefooted.

- Who is this ?
- This is Robin,
my old lady.

She's his old lady,
Edith.

This young girl
is your mother ?

Edith,
think a minute, huh ?

- Ask them if they're married.
- No, we're not legally married,

if that's
what you mean,
Mr. bunker.

Tell them that's exactly
what Mr. bunker means.

Robin and Paul, sit down
and make yourself
comfortable, all right ?

Daddy, they're not
going anywhere.

Yes, they are. They're going
to a motel-- him and her and all
their elegant luggage here.

- They can't afford a motel.
- They're going to Europe,
ain't they ?

[ Mike ]
So what ?
They can afford that.

It's a charter flight,
Mr. bunker. We've saved
our money for months.

-We've got every penny budgeted.
-Tell him that I'd hate
to unbalance his budget,

but he ain't stayin' here
with her together--
not without a marriage license.

It's immoral, tell him.

And you decide
what's moral, huh ?

No, wise guy, that does.

The television set ?

No ! The Bible !

Edith, why do you
leave the Bible
on the television set ?

Because it keeps
falling off the refrigerator.

So, that's it.
Daddy, wait.
You can't do this to them.

So they're not married
in the conventional sense.

They happen
to love each other.

That's right,
and it's love
that counts, isn't it ?

That love business
may be okay in some places,
but not here !

This is a Christian home.

Get out.

Fine. When Jeff comes in,
make sure to have him call me
at Mike and Gloria's place.

Okay. Uh, you've got
the number now.

Okay. Thank you. Peace.

Babe, that was Jeff's
kid brother on the phone.

Jeff's still out,
but as soon as he gets back,

he's gonna call us
and put us up for sure.

Why don't they just
get married and save
all this bother ?

Like you two.
You're married.

I know, ma, but they
don't believe in it.

Oh, how can daddy
send them away like this ?
I'm so embarrassed.

He's just against people
openly expressing
love for each other.

No, no,
it ain't that.

He just don't
like 'em expressing it
in a sleeping bag...

In the middle
of his living room.

Paul, Robin,
your food's all ready.

Just the way you like it.

Raw broccoli, spinach
and asparagus st*lks,

with soy sauce.

Are you sure this is all
gonna mix up all right
in your insides ?

Something stinks
in this house !

What is that over there ?

Robin's burning incense.
I think it's nice.

It smells like
a house of "ill refute."

- Put it out.
- I thought you were
going to bed, daddy.

Not till I get
this thing settled. Did he
get his telephone call ?

Yeah, he made the call.
Jeff wasn't in,
but Paul left a message.

Good. I hope he gets
the message soon.

Edith, hurry up
with my cocoa, huh ?

I wanna get to sleep.
I gotta go to work
in the mornin'.

Archie, you could be
in bed right now if you weren't
so narrow-minded about this.

I ain't narrow-minded.

I just refuse to have
any uncertified goings-on
under this roof.

No, no. No, no.
You just got
a hang-up about sex.

I ain't got no hang-up
about... that.

No hang-ups ?
You can't even say
the word "sex."

There's women around here,
you palooka. I don't use
four-letter words around women.

Admit it, daddy.
Your whole generation's
afraid of sex.

Oh, listen, little girl.
If I was afraid of it,
you wouldn't be here.

Right, Edith ?

Right, Edith ?

I'm trying to remember.

What do you
have to remember ?
She's here, ain't she ?

The point I'm tryin' to make
is that my generation...

Had a little respect
for its "womenhood."

Do you think I would've spent
a night with your mother before
we had a wedding license ?

I wouldn't let him.

Will you stifle yourself.

You're sayin', then,
that with a marriage license--

a slip of paper from
a total stranger-- you'd let
our friends stay here ?

Bull's-eye.

I don't get it, daddy.
What is so important
about a piece of paper ?

"What is so important
about a piece of paper ?"

That piece of paper makes
the whole thing legal--

the whole setup,
that's all.

With that paper,
you can go up to any desk clerk
in any hotel in the country,

look him straight in the eye
and say, "gimme a double room."

Yeah, but is the license
the thing that keeps
people together,

or is it what
they feel for each other ?

Without the license,
you ain't supposed
to feel nothin'.

Archie, I don't think
it could be the license
that keeps us together.

We never see it.

The last time I saw it,
it was up in the attic
with Gloria's layette.

It's in the same trunk
with my autographed picture
of kay kyser.

I wanna ask you
something, Archie.

Say mom and you
didn't have a license.

I mean, supposin' mom
couldn't find it.

Would that mean
that Paul and Robin
are as married as you ?

No, wise guy, because
your mother-in-law and me,
we took our sacred vows.

I'm glad you mentioned that,
Mr. bunker, because, you see,
we took our vows too.

Tell him if he didn't
take 'em in church,

then God
didn't hear 'em.

He ain't married
in the ears of God.
But wouldn't Mr. bunker agree...

That God
is everywhere ?

Tell him he certainly is.
Then he was there
when we took our vows.

But he wasn't listenin'.
Not without the license !

Wow.
Oh, wow, wow, wow.

See, these guys
are all the same.

They take one fall
in an argument and they
throw in the towel.

Well, in the words
of Harry s. Truman,

"if it's too hot in the kitchen,
stay away from the cook."

Archie, instead of
putting 'em down
all the time,

why don't you sit
with Paul and Robin,

talk to them,
find out about them.

Maybe you wouldn't be
so uptight.
Why don't you, daddy ?

Edith, what are
they eatin' here ?
Raw vegetables.

It looks like the bottom
of a hamster's cage.

Come on, Archie.
Sit down here and
talk with 'em, huh ?

All right, all right.
I'll sit down.

I'll have a chat with 'em.
Let me ask you
somethin' there, Paul.

Exactly why
did you become a freak ?

- [ Mike ] Oh, Archie !
- I'll tell you, Mr. bunker.

I just didn't like
the idea of being one...

Of thousands
of young engineers...

All doing the same thing,
leading the same life,

seeking the same goals
day after day after day.

To me, they're the freaks
because they aren't happy.

Let me tell you something,
young fella.

When you grow up, you'll realize
there's more to life than
bein' happy. Right, Edith ?

Believe me.

Now, did you hear that,
little girl ?

Did you hear the point
we're just makin' right here ?

What's the matter, sis ?
Can't you talk ?

No, Robin
doesn't talk much.

Well, what does
Robin do, chirp ?

How does she communicate
to people ?

You see, Robin thinks
words are a waste of time,
so she speaks with her eyes.

Oh.

Well, open up wide and let's
hear the gettysburg address.

- Archie, will you cut it out !
- Tell them to cut it out !

I'm sittin' here tryin' for
a little give-and-take
with your friends,

but I ain't never yet
learned how to converse
with a pair of eyeballs.

Daddy, we don't make fun
of your friends,

and believe me, they look
just as ridiculous to us.

That's right.
You oughta look at 'em
for once in your life.

Take a look at some of those
paunchy, cigar-chewin',
beer-swillin'--

- hold it, meathead, hold it !
- Oh, oh ! Anyone's a meathead
doesn't agree with you, huh ?

Yeah, anyone who shows
a little independence.
Gloria, let me finish.

All right,
but don't yell at me.
I wasn't yelling at you.

I was yelling at him.
You happened to be
in the line of my yell.

Well, you are yelling--
shh, shh !

What's the matter
with youse,

yellin' that way ?

You think the neighbors
is interested in listenin'
to youse two--

ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh !
Edith ! Edith !

- Ooh, Edith, the shoe !
- No ! Don't anybody
touch him !

What is it ?
His toe is gone.
It's a toe spasm.

He often gets them in
the middle of the night in bed
when the sheet's too tight.

And sometimes, ooh,
they come three a night,

and once they start,
they come regular--
minutes apart.

Get the shoe off, will ya !

Ooh ! Leave it alone, Edith.
Let me walk on it, huh ?

Get away from me, you.

Ooh !
Oh, look, Archie.
Your sock is too tight.

That's what caused it.
You better change
to a size .

You gained a lot of weight.
How do you gain weight
in your toes, Edith ?

It's exhaustion
that brought this on.
I'm up too late.

I gotta go to work
in the morning,
I gotta sleep.

I can't wait
for that phone call !
Get rid of these people !

Archie, why don't you
just go to sleep ?
We'll wait up.

We'll see that
they leave with Jeff.
I think it's over, Edith.

Good.
All right.
It's feelin' better now.

Sit down
and put your shoe on.
Yeah, gimme the shoe.

Now, you stay
away from me !
I never touched you.

Wait. I got an idea.
I don't know why we didn't
think of this before.

Daddy, what if we all
slept dormitory-style ?

Huh ?
[ Mike ] That's it.
That's perfect.

The girls upstairs
and the guys downstairs.
Yeah, that would be nice.

Yeah, let 'em
do it, Archie.

Listen, you better get to bed.
Your toe's got ten minutes
to another spasm.

Come on.
What do you say ?

If I say yes,
you two kids promise me...

Everything's gonna be kosher ?
[ Gloria ]
Promise, promise.

All right, dormitory-style.

Boys downstairs here,
and the girls can go
upstairs there, and everything--

what are you shakin'
your head about ?

She's s-saying it
would be hypocritical--

that for two people in love,
such an arrangement would be
immoral and unnatural.

You just said all that
to him ?

Do you realize
what time it is, huh ?

Do you realize
it's : A.M. in the mornin',
little miss head shaker ?

Well, I'll tell you
what I'm gonna do.

I got a ten-dollar bill here,
and here it is.

Now, youse are both
gonna go to a motel,

and when you get there,
I don't care what youse do.

Youse can swing
from the chandeliers,
for all I care.

I'm gonna get my sleep--
what are you shakin'
your head for now ?

She's saying
it's not right for you
to try to bribe us.

It ain't right
to bribe them.
Do you hear that ?

I can't believe it.
I can't believe it !

I can't believe it !

Have some cocoa.
It'll help relax your toe.

Paul, uh,
under the circumstances--

I mean, what if Jeff
never shows up ?

Then we'll just
stay here like you offered.
But look at the old man.

Look at his condition.
He offered you the money.
Michael's right.

You see that, Robin,
don't you ?

Look, Robin,
I know it's not like
what we planned, but--

would you stop with
the head shaking
and talk to me ?

You see, Robin feels...

That it would be
self-defeating
for us to leave now.

That's bull.
You wanna know
something else ?

This no-talking routine
is bull too !

You don't understand, man.
See, Robin says--

we don't care
what Robin says.
Robin, shut up.

[ Doorbell ringing ]
Oh, that's Jeff.

It's about time.
Come on in.

Is this the bunkers' ?
Your doormat says "mcnab."
It's the bunkers'.

Hey ! When I got your message,
I just came right over.
I didn't even bother to call.

That's okay.
I'll get my stuff.

Jeff Walker,
that's Mike and Gloria,

and that's
Mr. and Mrs. bunker.

How are you ?
Hello.
Mike, Gloria.

[ Edith ]
How do you do ?

Hey. Aw,
this is beautiful.

Hey, what's
happening, man ?

I'm havin' a stroke.

Far out. I can dig it.
I can really dig that.

You must be really
spaced out, man.
Stop talkin'.

You gonna take
them two with ya ?
Oh, yeah, no sweat.

You can start
talkin' again.
That's really heavy--

[ Paul ]
Hey, Jeff, let's split.
Okay, groovy.

Uh, uh, Jeff.
Meet my old lady, Robin.
[ Chuckles ]

Your old lady ?
Oh, wow.

Hey, man, you didn't
tell me that you had
your old lady with you.

Now, I know this is gonna be
a bummer, but I'm gonna
have to cop out on you.

What's that ?
What do you mean ?
What does "cop out" mean ?

Can't do it.
See, it's not me.
It's my dad.

He's got this hang-up about
people having to be married
before they can crash together.

What's "crash together" ?
Sleep together.

Don't say that !

My dad would never let you guys
spend a night in his house.

Isn't that a downer ?
Yeah, it's a downer.

It's an upper
and a bummer and a hummer
and anything else, is what.

But you're gonna take
them two people
the hell outta here !

Yeah, right, right.
I'm very sorry, guys.

Right, right, he's very sorry ?
Where's he goin' ? Where are
you goin' there, shorty ?

Come back here !
Don't put them things down !
You ain't stayin' here !

Come on back here !
Hey, you're supposed
to be full of love !

You're a member
of the love generation !
I ain't !

I got one more thing
to say to you-- ooh !

Edith, the shoe, the shoe !
The shoe, Edith ! Oh !
Archie, I warned you !

Eleven minutes.
Oh, take the shoe off !

Oh, my. You made it
to the airport
and back so fast.

We just dropped them off.
We didn't even bother
goin' inside.

Yeah, they have about
six hours to wait,
sleepin' on those hard benches.

What do you want ?
It's their fault. They
could've stayed at a motel.

Hey, how come Archie
isn't in bed yet ?

He fell asleep while I
was puttin' the food away,
and I was afraid to wake him.

Hmm.
You wanna wake him ?

No. Not me.
Uh-uh.

You ? You wanna
wake him ?
Are you kidding ?

[ Giggling ]
He's not nice
when he wakes up.

No !

Hey, ma, what you got
in that old envelope ?

I was lookin' for
our marriage license
in the attic.

And, mm, remember
I told you I had...

That autographed picture
of kay kyser ?

[ Mike ]
Yeah.
Well...

I found a bonus with it.

Look here.
Now, look.

Standin' there,
next to Mr. kyser,

that's the shoulder
of Ginny Simms.

It's getting so late,
we're all getting silly.

[ Laughing ]
Let's go to sleep, huh ?
Yeah.

Oh, wait a minute.
But what about Archie ?

We can't leave him there
sleepin' all night.

Well, he's
your husband, ma.
Yeah. Good luck.

- Oh, help me, somebody.
- Wait, wait.

We can't leave mom
alone like this.
We're a family.

We've got to
stick together, by gum.
Let's all wake him up.

Hey, I got
an idea, okay ?
What ?

♪ Down by the old ♪

♪ not the new
but the old ♪

[ all ]
♪ mill stream ♪

♪ not the river
but the stream ♪

♪ where I first ♪
♪ not second
but first ♪

♪ met you ♪

♪ you were ♪

[ Edith warbling ]
♪ you were ♪

♪ my village queen ♪

♪ my village queen ♪

♪ down by the old ♪

must've died and gone
to the wrong place.

Because youse all
sure sound like hell.

♪ Mill stream ♪

ah !

[ Announcer ]
All in the family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.