01x01 - Meet the Bunkers

[bunniefuu]

[ Announcer ]
From television city
in Hollywood.

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ guys like us
we had it made ♪

[ together ]
♪ those were the days ♪

♪ and you knew
where you were then ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ girls were girls
and men were men ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ mister, we could use a man ♪

♪ like Herbert hoover again ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ didn't need no welfare state ♪

[ Edith ]
♪ everybody pulled his weight ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ gee, our old lasalle
ran great ♪

♪ those were the days ♪

Gloria,
I hurried back.

Good. You can
take out the garbage.

Garbage is not exactly
what I had in mind.
Come here.

No, not now, Michael.
Why not ?

I want everything ready
for when the folks
get back from church.

It's different, isn't it ?
An anniversary brunch.

Your mother'll love it,
but your father, he doesn't
care about anniversaries.

You had to pick out the present
for him to give to your mother,
I had to get the card,

and he doesn't know
about any of this.

What do you think he's gonna
do when he finds out ?
He'll have a fit.

But then,
he wouldn't get her anything,
and it'll make mom's day.

What are you
running away from me ?
Come here.

[ Giggling ]
Gloria.

Gloria, we have been
living with your folks
since we're married.

We don't get the house
alone much.

Oh, we're not alone.
Lionel's upstairs.

Lionel ? Why ?
He's fixing the portable tv
for dad.

[ Groans ]

He's gonna take the present,
get some fresh-cut flowers
and deliver them together,

just to make it
more romantic.

Set's good as new,
Gloria.

How's it goin', Mike ?
Hey, Lionel.

[ Gloria ]
I'll get the present.

So what's new on campus
with all you angry,
white social democrats ?

Oh, we're
shakin' 'em up.
Okay.

Hey, uh, where's
your father-in-law ?

He's at church.
Good.

Why ? Is he still
givin' you a hard time ?
I'm used to him by now.

You know his latest kick ?
Askin' me what I'm gonna be
when I get to college.

He likes to hear me say,
"I'm gon' be
a 'lectrical engineer."

-You say that for him ?
-Give the people what they want.

How else do I get to become
an electrical engineer ?

Okay, Lionel,
here's the present
and the card.

And mom likes just about
any kind of flowers.
Will a dollar be enough ?

Where I get my flowers,
this represents
a buck profit.

Hey, see you.
Yeah.

Bye, Lionel.
See ya, Lionel.

All right, now, Michael,
promise me something.

For today,
for their nd anniversary,

no fighting with daddy,
okay ?

Okay.
Thank you.

No, not now.
I don't have any time.

They don't get out of church
till : .

It's a ten-minute walk.
We got time to spare.
Not now, Michael.

I've got too much
on my mind.

It's one little thing more.
It's not gonna hurt.

We have to be downstairs
to yell "surprise !"

They'll be downstairs.
Let them yell "surprise !"

For their own anniversary ?

Come here.

If you don't like what I do,
what do you bring me there for ?

I'm not gonna quarrel
with ya, Archie.

This may be the fourth time
in years you've
been to church with me,

so I'm grateful
for the half a sermon
we sat through.

Half a sermon
was plenty.

He said
all I wanted to hear.

And I been to church
more than times
in years too.

Well, maybe it's six times.

Seven, if you want
to include the time
we was married in church.

Look, I don't wanna
make no world w*r III
out of this.

What do you call all this ?

The table's all set,
with the good glasses and all.

Oh !
It's for our anniversary.

Look, Archie.

Gloria and Mike,
they've made us a brunch.

A what ?
A brunch.

A brunch. It figures.
She's readin'
Cosmopolitan again.

[ Giggles ]
Hi !

You're early.

So are you.

We were just gonna go
sit down over there.
Yeah, I'll bet.

: on a Sunday mornin',
Edith.

[ Together ]
♪ happy anniversary to you
happy anniversary to you ♪

♪ happy anniversary
dear mom and dad ♪
♪ dear mom and daddy ♪

♪ happy anniversary
to you ♪

oh, my.
Archie, ain't this nice ?

Yeah. Five minutes more,
we woulda got it remote
from the bedroom.

Gee, mom.
Would you tell him
it's normal ?

Oh, Archie.

Why do you wanna pick on 'em
when you just had
such a nice surprise ?

They was the ones
that had the surprise.

Used to be the daylight hours
was reserved for
the respectable things of life.

Certain things
are no different now
than they ever were.

What are you talkin' about ?
In my day--

get your feet
off that furniture !

In my day, we was able
to keep certain things...

In the proper
"suspective."

Take keepin' company,
for instance.

When your mother-in-law
and me was going together,
it was two whole years--

we never-- I nev--
I mean, there was nothin'.

I mean, absolutely nothin'.
Not till the wedding night.

Yeah.
And even then--

here we are.
We have orange juice in here,
then go in there for brunch.

My, my.
How fancy.
[ Chuckles ]

All right, all right.
Leave it there, huh ?
Cosmopolitan.

Oh, daddy, stop it.
I think it's very today.

That's right. The in crowd
never has a whole meal
in one room anymore.

Well,
that's what they say.

You're a pip.
You know that ?

A real pip.

You're married
years today, daddy.

So talk real nice
to mom, okay ?

Listen, little girl,
you just go on and mind
your own beeswax.

Heh ?

And pull that skirt down.

Every time you sit down
in one of them things,
the mystery's over.

What the hell is it nowadays ?
Will you tell me ?

Girls with skirts up to here,
guys with hair down to there.

I stopped in the gents' room
the other day.

So help me,
there was a guy in there
with a ponytail.

My heart nearly
turned over in me.

I thought I was
in the wrong toilet.

Why fight it ?
The world's changing.

That's right. That's
what the reverend feltcher
was sayin'.

You two shoulda heard him.

Of course, Mr. religion here
wasn't seein' eye-to-eye
with the sermon.

What sermon ?
That was socialist propaganda,
pure and simple.

And don't give me that look.
You didn't think
it was so hot neither.

I said it was different,
that's all,

but I didn't curse the reverend
from right in the front pew.

He never heard me.

Besides, I ain't sittin' still
for no preacher tellin' me...

That I'm to blame for all
this breakdown in law and order
that's goin' on.

Why not ? We're all to blame
for not paying attention
to the cause of it.

I'll tell you the cause of it--
these sob sisters
like your reverend feltcher...

And the bleedin' hearts
and weepin' nellies
like youse two.

Like us ?
I think
we'd better eat now.

No, no, wait a second.
It's you.
Me ?

Yeah, that's right, you,
the property owner,

with your -inch tvs
and your four-slice toasters
and ice-makin' refrigerators.

That's all you care about,
Archie, is what you got
and how you can keep it.

Well, you'd care about it, too,
Sonny boy, if you had anything,

if you wasn't livin' off of me
without a pot
to peel a potato in.

Wait a second.

You're the one who said
I could stay here
while I was in school.

I thought it was gonna be
for a year while you learned
a trade or somethin'.

I didn't think you was gonna
wind up in college learnin'
how to be a subversive.

That's ridic-- I just wanna
learn a little bit about society
so I can help people.

People ?
Your mother-in-law and me
is people.

Help us, will ya.
Go to work.

I know
what's bothering you.

You're upset
because I was nailing you
on that law-and-order thing.

You nailin' me ?
Yeah, that's right.

Now I'm gonna
tell you something.
Michael.

I know I promised,
but I gotta say this.

You know why we got
a breakdown in law and order
in this country, Archie ?

Because we got poverty.
Real poverty.
You know why we got that ?

Because guys like you are
unwilling to give the black man,
the Mexican-American...

And all the other minorities
their just and hard-earned share
of the American dream.

Who said
he wasn't smart ?

That's beautiful, Michael.
Beautiful.

Oh, that's gorgeous.

Now let me tell you
somethin'.

If your spicks and your spades
want their rightful share
of the American dream,

let 'em get out there
and hustle for it
just like I done.

But you're forgetting one thing.
You didn't have to hustle
with black skin.

I didn't have to hustle with
one arm and one leg neither.
So what ?

So you're admitting that
the black man is handicapped.
Oh, no, no more than me.

He's just as good as me.

I suppose the black man
has had the same opportunity
in this country as you.

More.
He's had more.

I didn't have no million people
marchin' and protestin'
to get me my job.

No, his Uncle
got it for him.

All I'm sayin' is,
don't blame me !

You and that reverend
bleedin' heart feltcher...

Up there
in his ivory shower.

Now, that's enough,

talking about a man
of the cloth that way.

God could punish you
for that.

- God ? What God ?
- Yeah, what God ?

What was that ?
Did you hear him ?
Did you hear her ?

What was that remark,
Sonny ?
We'd better eat now.

I wanna know what you meant
by "what God ?"
It's nothin', Archie.

You need God.
So forget it.

That's no way to talk
on the sabbath, Mike.

Stifle, Edith.
That's no way to talk to
your father-in-law either.

Edith, I told you--
I mean, Sunday is
a day of peace and rest.

Edith, will you stifle.
Archie,
we're all hungry.

Will you stifle !

Don't touch nothin' !

Nobody eats nothin'
around here until we get
this thing straight.

Now, Sonny boy, you made
a certain referential
remark there...

A minute or so ago...

Along
the following lines--

"what God ?" You said.

And I heard your wife,
my flesh and blood,
repeat it.

So let's hear it again.
What did you mean
by "what God ?"

We just don't see
any evidence of God,
that's all.

That's right, daddy.

[ Mocking ]
"That's right, daddy."

Well, I knew we had
a couple of pinkos
in this house,

but I didn't know
we had atheists !

Did you know that, Edith,
that we had a pair of
atheists under this roof ?

Well, maybe if we could just
eat a little somethin'--

will you stifle,
you silly dingbat !

I don't want
no more arguments.

We are not arguin'.
We're discussin'.

I don't care what you call it.
It's still arguing.

We're having what we
always have around here--
a discussion.

I don't see the difference.
That's 'cause
you're a dingbat.

And get that ridiculous hat
off your head !

Will you
stay out of this.
So long as you don't argue.

Edith, stay the hell
out of this !

Aaah !

What's the matter ?
Get away from me,
you meathead !

It's all your fault !
You nearly burnt
the hand off me !

Well, what did he do ?

He helps himself to coffee,
then he turns the handle
around the other way.

Oh, daddy,
he didn't do it
on purpose.

Well, let me see.
It really hurts, huh ?
Yeah.

Right about in there ?
Yeah.

You know what I think
we oughta do ?
What do you think ?

I think we oughta eat.

Give me over
the ketchup there.

Ketchup on eggs ?
Daddy, really.

"Daddy, really"
has been eatin'
ketchup on eggs...

Since before
you was born,
little girl.

So don't let it
concern ya, huh ?

[ Burps ]

Oh, Archie,
that's terrible.

Well,
who's for more eggs ?

Sure I can't
help you, dear ?

Not today, mom.
Today you sit.

If I need any help,
Michael can do it.

It won't do him no harm,
neither.

The last time I seen him
liftin' a hand around here,
he was testin' his deodorant.

Mom !
Oh, Archie,
leave him alone.

What do you want from me ?
I don't have time
to do anything.

I'm studying six hours,
I'm in class six hours.
Going to college is hard work.

For you, it's like
buildin' the pyramids.

All that sociology
and studyin' that welfare stuff,
I don't call that no hard work.

Oh, daddy,
leave him alone.

I think it's beautiful
that Michael wants to help
the underprivileged.

Listen, if he wants
to help the underprivileged,
let him start with himself.

He's got no brains,
no ambition.

If that ain't underprivileged,
I don't know what is.

That's it !

Mother,
we're moving out of here.

I'm not gonna stay in this house
another minute to see my husband
insulted like that !

Archie,
say you're sorry.

If she leaves here,
she'll be dead
inside a year.

You don't have to worry.
They ain't goin' nowhere.

You don't know
what it is.

She can't be cleanin'
an apartment...

And cookin'
and marketing.

Why, Dr. feinstein
says she's anemic.

Don't give me that.

For ten bucks, some of
these doctors'll tell you
anything you want to hear.

He's the best there is
when it comes to blood.

My cousin
from the hospital
said so.

Your cousin
from the hospital
empties bedpans.

Don't make him out
no specialist.

I know what
Dr. feinberg said.

Feinstein.
Feinstein.
Feinberg.

It all comes
to the same thing,

and I know
that tribe.

I'm tellin' you, Archie,
them kids
don't leave this house...

Until Mike can provide
for her proper.

[ Sighs ]
Oh, boy.

Four years before I even
begin to make a living.
It seems like forever.

Let me tell you, Sonny boy,
the same thought crosses my mind
at least once a day.

Mom--

Gloria, you married
the laziest white man
I ever seen.

All right, it's bad enough
you gotta make fun of me.

You don't have to make it worse
by attacking a whole race.

Who's attackin'
a whole race ?

You are. You just said
I was the laziest white man
you ever met.

What's the matter
with that ?
"White man you ever met."

- Yeah, you.
- Implying that the blacks
are even lazier.

Wait a minute, meathead.
You said that, not me.

I never said
your black beauties
was lazy.

It's just their systems
is geared a little slower
than the rest of us, that's all.

- Come on !
- You don't believe me,
look it up.

There's just no fighting
this prejudice.

There's no hope for him.
No hope at all.

I'm not prejudiced.

Any man deserves my respect,
he's gonna get it
regardless of his color.

What do you call 'em
"black beauties" for ?

Now, that's where I got you,
Mr. liberal.

Because there's a black guy
that works down
at the building with me,

and he's got
a bumper sticker
on his car that says,

"black is beautiful."

So what's the matter
with "black beauties" ?

It's nicer than
when he called 'em
"c*ons."

[ Doorbell rings ]

I'll get it.

If "black beauties"
is kosher with them,
it's kosher with me.

Hey, Lionel.
Come on in.
How's it goin' ?

In a way, we were
just talking about you.

Oh, Michael !

Yeah, yeah, talkin'
about prejudice.

I'm glad you're here,
Lionel.

Yes, sir,
Mr. bunker.

These are for you,
Mrs. bunker, a present
from an admirer.

For me ?
Oh, my goodness !

Oh, I ain't
had a present
for ten years !

Gee, I wonder
who it's from.

There's somethin'
I wanna ask you,
Lionel.

Let her open
her gift first.

She's waited ten years.
Another minute
ain't gonna k*ll her.

Come here, Lionel.

I wanna ask your opinion
on somethin'.

When you first
started doin' odd jobs
around the neighborhood,

one of the first guys
to throw a little work
your way--

by the way,
did you fix the tv ?
Sure did, Mr. bunker.

That's swell. Good boy.
Here, put that
in your pocket.

Cheaper than a repairman,
believe me.

Is anybody
talkin' to you ?

Now, Lionel, you could say,
by throwin' you
these little jobs,

that I was helpin' you
get some money so you could
go to college and become--

a 'lectrical engineer !
Yeah !

You hear that ?

- Ask your question already.
- Keep your drawers on.

By the way,
that's a nice suit
you got on.

It's classy.
It's different. It's quiet.
Where'd you get it ?

Up in Harlem.
No !

I got two more,
but one's yellow with stripes,
the other's purple with checks.

You know, for when
I'm with my people.

Well, anyway, Lionel, uh,
I would say that
you know me pretty good.

Wouldn't you ?
Oh, yes, sir, I got
a bead on you, all right.

I know you real good.
Good, good.

Okay, all right,
let's get to the point.

What he wants to know is
if you think he's prejudiced.

Prejudiced ?
Yeah.

Against who ?

Against
black people.

Against black people ?
Mr. bunker ?

Why, that's the most
ridiculous thing
I ever heard.

There !
You see that, wise guy ?
[ Laughs ]

You thought you knew him,
you thought you knew me.

Oh, these liberals,
they're supposed to be
so sensitive, you know.

I'll tell you where this guy
is sensitive, Lionel--
right in his tuckus.

Uh, where ?

It's a yiddish word.
It means--

uh, I know
where it's at.

Uh, I was just wondering,
Mr. bunker, what's with
the Jewish word ?

Ah, well, I hear them.
We got a couple of hebes
workin' down at the building.

Does he use words
like that very often ?
Now and then.

I told ya, I work
with a couple of Jews.

Uh, beggin' your pardon,
Mr. bunker,

but you wouldn't happen
to be one of them,
would you ?

What ?

Well, people don't use
Jewish words just like that,
do they, Mike ?

No, not
in my experience.

Maybe people don't,
but I do,
and I ain't no yid.

Come to think of it, when your
father was visiting last year,
wasn't his name Davey--

- my father's name was David.
- Right. And what was
your mother's name ?

It was Sarah.
Yeah, my mother's name
was Sarah. So what ?

Uh, David and Sarah.
Two Jewish names.

David and Sarah--
two names right out
of the Bible.

Which has got nothin'
to do with the Jews.

Now, you don't want--

you don't wanna get
uptight about it,
Mr. bunker.

There's nothing to be
ashamed of, being Jewish.
But I ain't Jewish !

Look at that.
See the way he uses his hands
when he argues ?

Huh ?
Very semitic gesture.

What do you know about it,
you dumb polack ?

All right. All right.
I'm a polack.

You sure are.
You're a polack joke.

But I don't mind,
though.

I'm Polish.
I'm proud of it.

There you are, Mr. bunker.
You oughta be proud
you're Jewish.

But I ain't
Jewish !

I didn't know
you was Jewish.

What the hell
are you talkin' about ?

You, of all people,
should know
that I ain't Jewish.

You are talkin'
with your hands.

You see, the Jews
tend to be emotional.

Now, listen to me, Lionel.
I'm gonna give you this
once more, and that's all.

I am not Jewish.
Yes, sir, Mr. bunker.

But even if you are,
it doesn't change things
between you and me.

I'm not gonna throw away
nine years of friendship
over a little thing like that.

So long, everybody.
[ Gloria, Mike ]
Bye, Lionel.

Well, I hate
a smart-aleck kid,

and I don't care
what color he is.

Well, I think
I'll go lay down
and watch a little tv.

Wait, daddy.
Mom hasn't opened
her gift yet.

Open it now, mom.
Yeah, go ahead, ma.

I can't believe it.
Look, my hands
are shaking.

Oh ! Oh, my !

Lace hankies.
Look, Gloria.

Two beautiful
lace hankies.

Is that all ?
Don't you wanna know
who it's from ?

Yeah,
sit down, daddy.
Come on.

There's a card there, mom.
Open it.

Those are
the most beautiful hankies.
That's real lace.

And flowers.
I've just never seen such--

oh, my glory.

Come on, Edith.
Who are they from ?

They're from you,
Archie.

[ Coughing ]

I can't hardly
believe it.

I ain't seen
an anniversary gift from you
since the first year.

- Pound his back, Mike.
- Keep away from me, meathead.
Keep away from me.

You know
what I'm gonna do ?

I'm gonna try using one.

You know,
see how I look with it.

Some people don't look natural
with fancy things.

Oh, you look wonderful,
mom !
Perfectly natural.

Just don't blow in it.
It'll go right through.

Oh, Archie, I just
don't know what to say.

Except thank you,
sweetheart.

Oh, I do thank you,
Archie dear.

All right, all right, Edith.
You're gettin' me all wet.

Read the card.

Oh. Archie.
[ Giggles ]

I'll bet it's a hallmark.

Well, pretty near.

Oh, there's a verse
inside.

"Together."
Ohh.

"Through all the years
I've been with you,

"we've had our ups and downs,
'tis true.

"But life with us
has just begun.

"We've yet to have
all of our fun.

As long as we're together."

What are you lookin' at ?

"And when, my dear,
we're old and gray,

"and life for us
is sunny weather,

"we'll look back on our lives
and say,

it's been
a gay, gay lark together."

All right, all right.
Come on, will youse.

The anniversary party's over.
Why don't youse all get busy
and clean up the mess.

Them eggs over there
is startin' to "foment."

Oh, Archie, I--
I just don't know what to say.

That was so beauti--
ohh.

Hey, do you have to
always be doin' that ?

It's as if
she was a hamburger.

Mom !

The card kinda
got to you, huh ?

- What do you mean ?
It got to your mother-in-law.
- No, no, it got to you too.

- I never knew you were
so soft and sentimental.
- You don't know much anyhow.

I wanna tell you somethin'
about yourself.

You are a person
of very little quality.

You got no appreciation
for some of your finer things.

What-- Archie,
we're talking about
a greeting card.

They got some damn good writers
writin' for them cards.
Come on.

Some of your best song lyrics
come right off them cards !
All right !

What are you gettin'
so excited about ?
It's a greeting card.

It's not like
you wrote the thing.
No, I didn't write it.

But who had the good taste
to pick it out ?

Aw, go on, will ya,
meathead.

[ Archie ]
♪ boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

[ Edith ]
♪ songs that made
the hit parade ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ guys like us
we had it made ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ those were the days ♪