Come on, Gordon.
Your brother's
already upstairs asleep.
And when I catch
your mother awake,
I got a shot at unwrapping
an early Christmas gift.
Shh. Close your eyes.
That's my boy.
Oh, very good, very good.
Oh, no.
♪ Deck the halls
with boughs of Holly ♪
♪ fa la la la la
la la la la ♪
shh! Shh! Shh!
♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly
what in god's name
is wrong with you people?
It took me an hour
to get this kid asleep.
Oh, sorry. We didn't know.
Sorry?!
Sorry's not good enough.
♪ Sleep in heavenly peace
♪ ooh
that's enough.
He's out.
Okay,
who knows any Barry white?
All right.
You, me,
upstairs with the wife.
♪♪♪
Well, there's
my beautiful children.
We want to talk to you
about our Christmas presents.
Oh. Go talk to your real dad.
He lives in Michigan.
We're not falling
for that again.
We spent six hours on the bus,
and that guy made us go
right back home.
And he was Chinese.
All right. Let me see
what you got here.
Oh, jeez, kids.
I don't know.
Uh, you know, Christmas is gonna
be a little different this year.
Just like everybody else,
uh, Santa's suffering
from the recession,
and I heard he had to sell
his vacation home
down in the south pole.
Uh, I think
it's gonna be tougher
to make Santa's "nice" list.
I mean, probably only
two of you will make it.
Who wants it more?
I'm gonna go vacuum.
I'll shovel the walk.
I'm gonna call grandma
and ask her about her new hip.
And Ruby takes early lead.
What got into them?
The spirit of Christmas.
This sucks.
You're in a mood.
What's wrong?
Oh, Andy.
My kids are gonna have
a crappy Christmas this year.
I mean, between the economy
and these twins--
I mean, look at this list.
Oh.
Damn. Man, all I ever got
as a kid was sugar-free candy
and a book
on isometric exercises.
Real subtle, Santa.
Ho ho ho ho!
I don't know. I can't get
any of these things.
You know what? That's it.
I'm going Jewish.
Ah, that--that won't work,
Jim.
Hanukkah means
eight nights of gifts.
Yeah, but not good gifts.
They get, like,
tootsie rolls and bread.
No. All you need is
some extra money, right?
Yeah.
A reliable revenue stream.
You know what's reliable?
Gambling.
You're right, absolutely.
Let's see
who's running at the track.
All right.
I had a hot tip
on a pygmy night fighter, but...
I guess we could play it safe
and go to the track.
Hey, look at this.
They're sh**ting a new movie
in town.
Wh--
and they need twin baby boys.
What movie?
"President baby ."
Shut up.
That was my favorite movie
last year.
Oh! I split a gut
when president baby
told the secretary of defense
that he made a boom boom
in the w*r room.
Is that the one
where president baby
was fighting t*rrorists
and had to land "air force one"
by himself?
Yeah, but in this one, they
called it "air force onesie."
You know, I don't remember
you taking the kids to that.
Yeah. Yeah.
I-i-i took the kids.
That's--
that's how I saw it.
Well, you know what?
These Hollywood types--
they pay big money.
I hear Ben stiller
uses bottled water
to flush his toilet.
Right there, Jim.
If we can get Jonathan
and Gordon in on this deal,
your hanukkah problems
are over.
Andy, forget hanukkah.
With this Hollywood money,
we're sticking
with baby Jesus.
Hey, Cheryl.
You can stop your panicking.
Fantastic. Remind me
what I was panicking about.
About how we're gonna pay
for Christmas.
Come on. You were up all night
crying about it.
No, I wasn't.
Yeah, you were.
: in the morning,
I heard, "wah, wah, wah."
That was the babies.
The babies are up
at : in the morning?
Well, tell them not to panic,
because all our money troubles
are over,
thanks to Hollywood.
Jim,
you cannot sue Hollywood
because "lost"
gives you a headache.
Well, tell me, where are they?
Are they on the island
or are they in the big city?
"Hey. Run with me
through the jungle,
but I can't tell you why." No.
Tell me first, then we'll run.
Okay, what does any of this
have to do with Christmas?
Well, have you heard they're
sh**ting "president baby "
right here in town?
Yeah.
What?
Why would they sh**t
another movie about
a baby president?
Because it's Hollywood,
and they think
everyone in America is stupid.
And there are loose ends
to tie up from the first one.
Bulgaria has nukes,
and the president
is cutting a tooth.
It's a powder keg.
All right,
now I am panicking.
What the hell are you guys
talking about?
Well, Jonathan and Gordon
have been cast
as the new secretary of defense.
No, no, no, no. You are not
signing up our babies
to be
in some ridiculous movie.
Well, it's not ridiculous.
It's a real Hollywood movie.
Steve guttenberg's in it.
I mean,
the real Steve guttenberg,
not the look-alike
we saw at the fair.
Jim, they are months old.
I don't want them to work.
What? It's not work.
It's acting.
And the money they earn
can make for a nice Christmas.
Yes. And tell me this--
how would you like to be able
to flush your toilets
with bottled water?
Look at these kids, Cheryl.
They're stars.
Mm-hmm.
You guys
had headshots made up?
Well, we had to make 'em
look professional.
Oh, sorry. I got a corner
of your boob in Gordon's shot.
That's Jonathan.
Jonathan?
How can you tell the difference?
They look exactly the same.
No, almost exactly. Jonathan has
this cowlick on top of his head.
Oh.
Cowlick--can we get
extra money for that?
Of course you can. That's why
you have me as your agent.
I didn't agree
that you would be the agent.
Now we had
a verbal agreement.
No, no. I want my lawyer
to look at this.
I can be your lawyer, too.
No, no, no, no, no. No, you are
not our agent or our lawyer,
because the kids
aren't gonna work.
They can't speak for themselves,
but I can.
No, no and no!
Postpartum still.
You know what, Andy?
She is wrong.
She is absolutely wrong.
I know if these kids could talk,
they would beg me to do this.
We want to do it, daddy.
Yeah, daddy. Save Christmas.
Save Christmas for everyone.
Gordon,
I'd love to save Christmas,
but tell me--how am I gonna
get you guys out of the house
without your mother knowing?
Hmm.
I think Jonathan has a plan.
When I win my academy award,
I'm gonna thank daddy
and not mommy.
Funny. It looks like
her boob is talking.
Wiggle. Wiggle. Wiggle.
Okay,
so let's review the plan.
I tell mommy I'm sick.
Right.
Yes, and your dad I
took the twins out
so they don't get
red-spotted fever.
So if I do this, I get
everything on my Christmas list?
Well, I can't
make any promises,
but I'll tell you what.
Santa does like
a kid who plays ball.
Oh, yeah.
Being on a set really takes me
back to my acting days.
You did one commercial.
You were .
It never leaves you--
the smell of the soundstage,
the hum of the lights,
the sweaty crew guy
glaring at me
for eating
the last doughnut.
Sorry, "shorts in December,"
I'm with the talent.
Okay, we're rolling.
Oh. That means
they're starting.
Guys, please, settle.
That means "quiet."
I'm talking to you.
That means
he's talking to me.
And action!
But, president baby,
respectfully,
I just don't know
if the American public
is going to go for it.
I mean,
mandatory nap time is...
Well, perhaps
the secretary of defense
has an opinion
on the matter.
Perhaps the secretary of defense
has an opinion on the matter.
Hello? Hey. Hey, you. I'm
talking to you. I'm talking to--
look. See, this is
what's going on, Rob.
This is what--i need them
to look at me, okay?
I need eyes to act, okay?
I mean, what are we doing here?
I mean, this is, like, you know,
I got a guy, Mr. Distraction,
and I got Reagan sleeping here.
I mean, what is this, Vancouver?
Okay? I did this film
as a favor. Jeez.
Cut. Switch the babies, please.
Wow. Did you see that? He just
threw a fit and stormed off.
Boy, I wish I could
act like that in my life.
You do it all the time.
I do not, and you know what?
I'm tired of your crap.
If you don't knock it off,
you're walking home.
I'm outta here.
Where are the cashews, huh?
There's four kinds of berries
here. Where are my cashews?
Here. Here.
They're right here.
Oh. Thanks, pal.
You get me.
Oh, I appreciate that, Steve.
Thanks.
No, you can call me
"the gute."
Well, I'm much more comfortable,
you know, calling you "Steve."
No. I want you
to call me "the gute."
Uh, Jim, since we have
the gute here...
Hey, you get me.
Thanks, pal.
Cashew?
Oh.
Yeah.
Well, uh,
the gute, um, you know, uh,
Andy and I wrote this script
that we thought
you'd really like.
It's a movie idea.
Oh, let me guess. "Cocoon ."
This time I play the old guy.
Damn it!
We just wasted minutes
of our lives writing that.
Oh. Hang on a second.
This shot's not gonna match.
That baby has a cowlick.
I need someone to cut it off.
Come on. Hair, makeup.
Come on, people.
Oh, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
Excuse me, sir. Uh, you can't
do that. You can't cut 'em off.
That's the only way
we tell the twins apart.
We don't want
to tell 'em apart, okay?
We hired twins so the audience
thinks it's one person.
I know, but in my house, my wife
thinks they're two persons.
So I think
this is gonna be a problem.
Well, in my house, my wife
is living with my agent,
and I'm stuck in a motel,
okay?
So I guess we all
have our problems.
All right, that's it.
These twins are fired.
Let's bring in the backups.
Come on.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Wait one second.
Uh, you don't need
to fire 'em.
I, uh...
Here. Just give me the scissors.
Let me do it.
Give him the scissors.
J-j-j-Jim, wait. Wait.
Are you sure about this?
Oh, come on.
What's the big deal?
We'll just keep our eye
on 'em.
We'll be able to tell 'em apart.
It's no big deal.
And action!
But Mr. Secretary, I...
Whoa! Poop in pants.
Switch babies.
Whoa. Whoa. Ho. Oh.
He just spit up
on the treaty with Mexico.
Switch babies.
Poop in the pants.
Switch babies.
Action!
But, sir, I, uh...
Hey.
I'm talking to you.
Yeah, you look at me like...
No, no, no.
I'm not working like this.
Okay? You got me? I'm done.
Oh, you did such a fine job,
Gordon.
Actually,
I think that's Jonathan.
Really? Are you sure?
Well, no, I'm not sure.
I thought
you were watching them.
Don't take that tone
with me, Jim.
You're upsetting Gordon...
Jonathan.
Well, what kind of tone
would you like me to take?
Hey, guys?
For what it's worth,
I think gay couples adopting
is fantastic.
Is that you, Jonathan?
Gordon?
Jonathan.
You can't tell
these twins apart.
Crap. Wh--what--what are you
gonna tell Cheryl?
I'm gonna tell Cheryl
nothin'.
Here. Here.
Here. Here. Here.
Look at this.
You know what?
This fur is the same color
as the baby's hair.
Yeah.
That'll work.
Now if I can just
figure out a way
to get this to stick
to Jonathan's head.
Hmm.
There we go.
Oh!
There you go, Jonathan.
It's like
a little baby toupee.
Now if we just keep the ants
off his head, he'll do fine.
Oh, sticky bun, is there
anything you can't do?
Okay, the coast is...
Crowded.
There you are! Oh, honey,
thank you so much
for taking the twins all day.
Oh, well, of course, honey.
Hi!
I mean, you know, we didn't
want to leave 'em at home
and let Kyle get 'em sick.
You know what?
He's not even sick.
He drew spots
all over his face
so he could stay home
from school.
He's a good little actor.
Really? How good?
So where'd
you guys go today?
Ha... ha.
Ahem.
Uh, well, you know what?
I thought that these kids
could use a little culture,
so we took them
to the art institute.
You know, they have that great
impressionist collection there.
I mean, the cézanne exhibit--
it's the new one now.
And then we went
over to the sculptures,
saw, uh, rodin and then botero.
It's kind of funny.
Jonathan thought that uncle Andy
was one of the sculptures.
Oh. Wow.
That sounds amazing.
Well, it stimulates
the right brain, you know.
Did my little boys
learn all about art?
Holy cow.
Where did that come from?
Uh, elmo
and big bird on "sesame street."
They went to the museum.
- Oh, mommy missed you so much.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh.
Jim, is there something
you'd like to tell me?
Yes, there is, Cheryl.
I think the waxing lady
missed a spot.
Oh, Jim.
This is not hair,
and it's all sticky.
Uh, well, i--
y-y--i-i seem to remember
that after the museum,
we went to the zoo.
Yes.
And--and an anteater
licked him...
Mm-hmm.
B-b-because he had ants
on his head...
It was cute.
B-because it was
raining doughnuts...
Right.
B-because the doughnut truck
had, um, fallen off the bridge
because Britney Spears was there
and... fine!
We didn't go to the zoo
or the museum.
What did you do that for?
We had her.
All right. They're asleep.
Now I can m*rder you
without any witnesses.
What the hell
is wrong with you?!
Come on, Cheryl.
So what?
We can't tell the kids apart.
Big deal.
It is a big deal.
All right, all right.
If you're gonna get all wife-y
on me here...
Let me tell you,
i-I'm planning to fix it.
All right, we put
the two babies on the rug,
we say, "here, Gordon.
Here, Gordon,"
and the one that comes
is Gordon.
Or hey--
how about his idea?
How about
we just give 'em new names?
You know, I like that better.
That's why I married you, baby.
You know, I like "Billy"
and "scoots."
Jim, we can't tell
which baby is which.
Well, I think that's good.
That's a good thing.
It's more fair that way.
That way, we can
love them both equally.
We already love them both
equally.
Do we?
Come on. Not this again.
All I'm saying is,
I don't think Jonathan likes me.
And frankly,
I'm not a big fan of his.
It wasn't personal.
When you change
a newborn boy's diapers,
sometimes
they're gonna pee on you.
I get that, Cheryl, but when
he did it, he was smiling.
Jim.
All I'm saying is,
it was downhill since then,
and we got
a fresh start now--
a fresh $ , start.
They saved Christmas.
Christmas
didn't need to be saved!
Sure it did, Cheryl.
No!
Didn't you see that list?
Did you see the Christmas list?
Come on. They want mp players,
uh, "guitar heroes,"
a personal submarine.
All right, that's for Andy,
but come on.
Hey--
honey, I'm--all I'm saying is,
we need the money for this.
They're kids. They don't need
to get everything they want.
Oh. Oh. This coming
from the woman
who wakes up in the middle
of the night to feed 'em.
I feed the babies, Jim.
Well, why are they
always so hungry?
Why don't you just feed them
a decent dinner?
And they can sleep
through the night.
Cheryl... Christmas!
Okay, it's Christmas.
These kids look forward
to it all year.
This is the highlight
of their year. We need it.
No, Jim. You need it.
What are you talking about?
Jim, you get them
tons of presents
'cause you didn't get that
when you were a kid.
It's your way
to prove to yourself
you're a great father,
but listen to me.
You're a great father
for a lot of other reasons.
No, Cheryl. We both know
you're wrong about that.
Well, you--you have your
own technique for fatherhood.
Oh, Cheryl.
All I know is,
every Christmas that I got up
and went to that tree,
there were no presents.
No, Jim. In your house,
there were no parents.
There's a difference.
Look, I just think we make way
too big a deal about Christmas.
You know, you know,
when we were growing up,
we--we'd give Andy
some sugar-free candies
and exercise books,
and he loved it.
He did?
Yes, he did.
He--he'd eat
all his sugar-free candy
and walk around the house
saying...
"This is the year
I'm gonna lose all the weight."
Adorable.
I don't know, Cheryl.
I-i...
You know,
I grew up disappointed.
I-I just don't want my kids
to be disappointed
on Christmas morning.
They're kids.
They're gonna be disappointed.
Look, honey,
I love them dearly,
but they are
greedy, selfish creatures.
But--but don't you remember
that angelic look of gratitude
when they opened
each and every gift?
What gifts, Jim?
What gifts
are you talking about?
Are you maybe
talking about these gifts?
These are all their gifts
from last Christmas.
Oh, look. It's the mandolin
that Ruby just had to have.
Oh, and what's that?
Oh, it's the magic kit
for Gracie, still in its box.
And what's this?
Kyle's reading workbook?
Oh, yeah.
We told him it was from Santa
so maybe he'd crack it open.
Look, the point is
we get them too much stuff,
and then
they don't appreciate it.
They've completely forgotten
all of last year's gifts.
Completely?
Yeah. I bet
they don't even remember
what's on their list
for this year.
They just want stuff--
stuff they can unwrap.
Hey, look. A mandolin.
Cool! I'm gonna play this
every day.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, my gosh! A magic set!
I'm gonna do shows.
Santa wants me to read.
Good luck with that, Santa.
Oh!
He got me a $ , bracelet.
I guess
I was just naughty enough.
And I got...
A credit card bill
with a balance of zero.
Oh, a Christmas miracle.