JIM: Previously on
According to Jim...
Cheryl, this is my partner,
Officer Laraine Elkin.
Oh! Yes.
Pleasure to meet you, citizens.
Nice to meet you.
I just don't see what's the harm in
suggesting that Danny ask Laraine out.
Cheryl, there are certain
unwritten rules that men honor.
I know. I know.
Eyes straight ahead at the urinal.
We may not even
have been married
if Danny hadn't meddled
the night we met.
Danny?
Yeah, that night in the bar.
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
Okay, we gotta go.
Oh, no, no, no.
No, you can't go. Why?
Because Jim really likes you.
Now, come on, let's go in there
and just ask Laraine
to the ball.
Come on. She's gonna say yes.
I guarantee you.
She's going to
the ball with me.
What?
Ah, I see.
Getting a little late.
I think I better just go home and clean my g*n.
Jim, walk me to my car?
(EXCLAIMS)
Oh, baby!
Okay. So, Andy
asked her out,
Danny left upset and
you just let it happen?
God, I could k*ll Andy.
I worked so hard to get
Danny and Laraine together.
Well, why don't you try to
fix Dana up with someone?
I wouldn't mind if she never spoke
to me the rest of her life.
Danny won't be
mad at you forever.
Oh, come on. Please.
I think your credibility is
a little tenuous right now.
Well, you leave a thesaurus on the
crapper, you take your chances.
(SIGHING)
You know, Jim, all my instincts are
telling me there's something there.
Andy just threw
a wrench in things.
Now, what we have to do...
Whoa, whoa, whoa. We?
No, no, no. What we did already
is we screwed things up good.
No more meddling.
That's it.
Come on.
Uh-uh.
Oh, she couldn't take
her eyes off him.
It's like I used to look at you
before you started peeing
with the door open.
Oh. Come on.
Uh-uh.
Tell Andy not to take Laraine.
Why does it always
have to be me?
Why is it, "Jim, talk to Andy.
Jim, take out the garbage. Jim, get off me"?
All right, fine.
I'll talk to Andy
like I do everything.
You just sit there with a beer
in your hand watching TV.
Uh, Cheryl!
What?
There's no beer in my hand.
Hey. So, is Danny gonna
take Laraine to the ball?
No.
Andy beat him to the punch.
(GROANS)
And your sister
won't let go of it.
I don't know why she's so hell-bent
on getting the two of them together
when I'm sitting
here all single.
Well, you know, you do the easy ones
first, then you tackle the miracles.
I don't know.
I think she feels obligated because
she believes that Danny is
responsible for putting us together.
Excuse me. If anyone gets credit for
getting you together, it should be me.
So, did I tell you I love my
mother and I have a full-time job?
Does that do anything for you?
No.
Harry, keep the wine
coolers coming.
Hey. Hey. I need to talk to you.
Privately.
Oh. No problem. I can take a hint.
Perfect timing.
I got to take the Browns
to the Super Bowl.
(GROANING)
Oh, my God.
You're gonna think I'm crazy, but I'm
gonna let that Jim guy walk me home.
Oh, Cheryl.
Not the dancing machine.
Yeah.
Look.
What?
There's Chad. I forgot I told him I was
gonna be here. You got to help me.
What? Cheryl, he's your boyfriend.
What do you want me to do?
I need you to do something
to keep him here.
I don't want him to see me
walking with Jim. Please.
All right.
I'll try to think of something.
Okay. Thank you.
Okay.
Hey, Dana.
Hey, Chad.
Where's Cheryl?
She said she'd be here tonight.
Yeah. But she's not.
Okay. I'll just
wait for her out front.
Oh. No, no, no. Don't do that.
Don't... Don't do that.
Why?
No, no, no. Because she...
She's... Because... Oh.
She had a boyfriend?
No, Jim. She jumped right out of the convent
and into the bar where you met her.
I left a message for Andy.
I told him I'll call him tomorrow.
Wait, here's a thought.
Why don't we ask your boyfriend,
Chad, to talk to Andy?
What?
The years that we've been
talking about the night we met,
you never mentioned
you had a boyfriend.
Oh, come on. Obviously, he wasn't a serious boyfriend.
I broke up with him for you.
What's the problem?
Here's the problem.
A, you had a boyfriend,
B, you forced Dana
to make out with him,
and C, the erotic quality of my
dancing was totally lost on you.
Whoa! You made out
with Chad?
Only for minutes.
(GASPS)
But, Cheryl, I did it for you.
Did you like it?
I don't know.
Did you?
No.
(GASPS)
You liked it!
Oh. This is so like you.
You always want everything I have.
Cheryl, you know what?
All right. Fine.
You know what?
I did like it.
He was a great kisser.
Oh, and guess what else you don't know.
I was the one who broke
your Holly Hobbie Oven.
(CHERYL EXCLAIMS)
Hey! Hey!
What about me? The guy who's been
lied to for the last years.
Mom?
Yeah.
Is it okay if we
eat all the icing?
Oh, honey. Of course it is.
It's fun.
Mommy?
CHERYL: Yeah.
Is it okay for a person
to eat bugs?
No, honey.
That's gross.
Have you been eating bugs?
No.
Hey, Cheryl. What's up? Hey!
Well...
Whoa! Rocky Road Brownies. Mmm.
Oh, yeah.
Mmm!
Take me home,
Rocky Road. Wow.
I haven't had these since...
Well, since you had to tell me
Kitty Mittens got hit by a truck.
Oh, dear God.
What's wrong?
Oh, all right, all right.
All right. Look, look.
Andy, I don't wanna hurt you, but you're
standing in the way of true love.
Danny really likes Laraine.
Laraine likes him.
So, would you please be the
bigger man and cut her loose?
Wait, wait, wait.
Wait a minute.
You'd rather see Danny happy
instead of your own brother?
I'm just saying,
the love train is rolling,
and you got to
get off the tracks.
Hey, maybe these brownies
will soften the blow.
Mmm.
No deal.
Why?
Because women can make me brownies,
but brownies can't make me women.
Okay. But Danny helped Jim and I
get together the night we met.
Oh, I see.
And Danny was the only one helping
you two get together that night?
Well, there was Dana.
What about me?
Oh, honey. You were too young
to even get into Hannigan's.
Who said you had to get into
Hannigan's to make a difference?
Beat it, kid.
You're not .
Oh, sure, sure I am.
It says right here on my military ID.
Yeah, right. They let you wear
your hair like that in the army?
I put it up when I'm on recon.
Semper Fi!
I don't think so, Slim.
What the hell was I
fighting for over there?
Oh. Oh. You know what?
I forgot my jacket.
All right. But look, don't sneak out the
back door, because they got it locked.
(CHUCKLES) Oh.
Yes!
Hey.
Hey. How you doing?
Ah, you know. Same old. Same old.
Some girl you got in there.
Hey, forget it.
She's way out of your league.
Hey, but she's got a sister.
No, she's out of
your league too.
Really?
I bet you, by the end of the night,
I can show you a picture of them
in the bathtub with me.
You're a creepy little
kid, aren't you?
So I've been told.
Hey, listen. You think you're
gonna get lucky tonight?
Oh, brother. I'm lucky
just meeting this one.
She is so sweet.
Oh, Patty.
ANDY: Oh. Who's Patty?
JIM: My girlfriend.
What? You have
a girlfriend?
Yes. I've been trying to break up
with her for, like, three weeks now.
But it's really hard.
I'm using her car, you know.
Tough luck, buddy.
I thought that blonde looked easy.
Hey, watch your mouth.
Hey.
Listen, you know what?
She's a nice lady, you know.
Show some respect.
All right.
Take it easy.
You really dig
this Cheryl, huh?
Yeah. Yeah.
If Patty blows it for me,
I'm keeping her car.
Okay, um, what does
Patty do for a living?
She's a registered nurse.
(LAUGHING) Nurse.
It's almost too easy.
(GASPING)
(GASPING) Tingles.
Taste pennies.
Oh, God!
I'm having a heart attack.
Is there a nurse?
I need a registered nurse.
I'm a nurse.
What happened?
Ah. Some fat chick fell down.
She'll be all right.
I know CPR.
What? No! No!
(SCREAMING)
So, Jim had a girlfriend.
Interesting.
Cheryl, I tell you a tale
of sacrifice and heroism
and all you can take away from
it is that Jim had a girlfriend.
Well, that you never
told me about.
You know, I'm surprised at Jim,
but I'm disappointed in you.
Well, I'm disappointed in
your brownies. (GASPS)
Oh, yeah. And you know what?
Another thing.
I'm not only taking
Laraine to the ball,
but I'm gonna take these
disappointing brownies
as a thank you.
Twelve years too late.
A little dry.
Just like your pork chops.
Somehow you still managed
to have thirds.
I was being polite.
I learned manners and cooking from Mother.
It appears you learned neither.
Good day, madam.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(SINGING)
Hey. Way to go.
Thank you.
All right. Some of us are gonna
take a little break now.
And since all the police in
the city are here tonight,
we're gonna rob
some liquor stores.
Hey, Jim. You can take my car.
I got fake tags.
And the mind of a child.
Dana, may I cut in?
Oh, sure. Thanks.
Really?
Yeah. You're a good guy.
I love you.
And you're done.
Smile. Keep smiling,
hide the pain.
(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)
Look at him over there.
Miserable and alone.
And if you hadn't tried to play cupid,
he'd just be alone right now.
I wish we had somebody else to fix him up with.
Is Nurse Patty available?
Patty was a nice girl.
She had a nice car.
That's different.
You know what I liked about Patty?
What?
She knew how to let things go.
All right.
Let it go. Go ahead.
Why don't you say it.
Cheryl, you were wrong.
Cheryl, you shouldn't have been meddling.
Cheryl, boxer
briefs are fruity.
I kind of like the boxer briefs.
What?
But there's a
breaking-in period.
They're nice.
You know what, I still think Danny
and Laraine belong together.
I just think it stinks that
it's never going to happen.
Hey, you foxy lady,
you wanna twirl?
Oh. Oh. Tony, no,
I'd love to.
But Jim, he gets so jealous.
No, that's cool, baby.
Go. Oh! Uh...
All right, then.
Beat it.
Hey, Dana...
Beat it.
Nice party.
(SIGHS) Yeah.
Yeah. You know what would
make it even better? What?
If I could stop thinking about you
making out with Chad Golditch.
Cheryl, I was trying to help.
How? By sticking your
tongue down his throat?
I'm sorry.
Oh, my God.
You stuck your tongue
down his throat.
Well, he opened his mouth.
I didn't want to be rude.
It was a long time ago.
If it's any consolation, I promise you I will
never stick my tongue down Jim's throat.
Oh, please.
I don't even do that anymore.
(CHUCKLES)
I'm sorry.
Oh, I'm sorry too.
Oh, yeah!
Beat it!
Beat it!
Hey, Danny.
Hey, Jim.
You're ready to jump up
on stage to do that song?
(SIGHS) I'm kind of busy here.
Doing what?
Visiting my real friends.
Professor Gin and Field Marshall Von Tonic.
They're always here for me.
All right, that's it. You're coming with me.
Where are we going?
Come on. You're gonna explain
to Laraine how you feel.
Look, I've played that
game, and I lost.
I had an incompetent coach.
That's another story.
Oh, yeah?
Is it as riveting as the story
about the cut-off corduroy pants?
Forget it.
Jim, I'm better off alone.
Now I feel like
an idiot for showering.
Alone. Alone. Alone.
"I'm better off alone."
We're not better
off alone, Danny.
Come on. What would have
happened if I never met Cheryl?
Where would you find me today?
Well, the guy I knew was headed
for a full denim wardrobe
with numbers over
the shirt pocket.
Yeah. And you'd still be up in a tree, naked
with a crown of beer bottles screaming,
"I'm the Queen of England."
That only happened once.
(LAUGHING)
And I believed it at the time.
I know you did.
Come on, man. The point is that
maybe Laraine is your Cheryl.
You don't wanna pass
up on that, do you?
She passed up on me.
I asked her out, she said no.
You didn't ask her out.
You asked her if she needed a ride.
I don't know how much
clearer I could have been.
Well, you could be clearer
now, Your Highness. Come on.
You know, I've never
made love to a cop before.
Not intentionally, anyway.
Let's go.
Hey, get lost, pal.
I'm reeling in this bird.
All right. Look, we'll make this short,
simple, and quick. What are you doing?
I am trying to give fate a hand.
Move.
Now look, I don't wanna hear anything about
being married to the badge or lady justice.
You two are sad and lonely people with a
desperate need for some companionship.
So, you know...
You talk amongst yourselves now.
JIM: Andy!
Laraine, you don't have to
stand here and talk to me.
I have no legal right
to detain you.
You like me?
Well, you are a woman possessed of
certain non-displeasing attributes
which, to a man like myself,
would perhaps respond...
Just say, "Yes."
Yes.
Michalski, I am as swollen and
bloated with love for you
as that John Doe we fished
out of Lake Michigan.
Wow. He was
a ripe one too.
You said it.
Dance?
Jim, how could you
do that to me?
I spent three hours getting
the love den ready.
I put on the zebra sheets.
I know, Andy. I know.
I know it's a bummer for you.
Look, how can I
make it up to you?
I don't know.
A hug would be nice.
(GRUNTS)
Look, we're in the middle of a room full of cops.
How about a handshake?
I love this beautiful,
beautiful man.
Oh, yeah.
Beat it!
Beat it!
Get away.
Get away from me.
Have fun walking to your car.
Yeah, thanks.
Hey.
Did you see? Danny and Laraine
are dancing together.
JIM: Yes.
You're welcome.
Did you do this?
Well, I said,
"Men don't meddle."
I didn't say
we weren't good at it.
Oh, thank you.
Your brother's a little bummed.
Aw.
Oh, Andy.
Oh, honey, don't worry.
There's somebody out there for you.
I know. I know. "You're a catch.
They'll be lining up to meet you.
"You have a good heart.
You should take better care of it."
That is true.
You guys, Danny and Laraine...
We know.
Oh, poor Andy.
You know what, you have a good heart.
You should take better...
Hey, anyway, you wanna dance?
I guess so.
I'm dancing with my sister.
It's like my senior prom all over again.
Hey, beauty.
Hey.
You wanna bust a move?
Oh, oh, honey.
Please don't. No, no.
Come on, come on.
I'll behave.
CHERYL: They're so happy.
Yeah, they are.
That's nice to see, isn't it?
Well, I guess you were right.
Fate intervened.
No. No. We intervened.
We did it. Us.
What are you saying?
Well...
Dip.
Honey, the night we got
together everybody helped.
It may not have happened
if it weren't for that.
I mean, you know, maybe
it's not fate at all.
I don't know. I don't know. Maybe fate is
being at the right place at the right time.
Spin.
Oh.
That's true.
You know, fate did put us
in Hannigan's together.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That was lucky.
Yeah.
I mean, so, okay. So he's a doctor.
But Doctors Without Borders?
Where's the money in that?
(SCOFFING) Oh!
You keep being that picky, and you're
still going to be alone in years.
(BURPS) Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Yeah. Like I'm
gonna be alone.
You know what, the truth for me is that I
really just don't care that much about looks.
I mean it. I mean, I just want a hardworking
guy who loves me and makes me laugh.
Good luck.
Oh, and it wouldn't hurt
if he was a great dancer.
SUBWAY CONDUCTOR: Irving Park.
Oh, this is me.
All right. I'll see
you tonight?
All right. Great.
Where?
Oh, where?
Oh, Hannigan's. : .
Okay.
DANA: See you there.
Okay, bye.
(SINGING)
(AUDIENCE CLAPPING)