(DOORBELL RINGING)
I'll get it.
Hello.
Hello!
I'm a Swedish stewardess
who's lost and dirty.
Can you bathe me
and tell me all about
your American football, huh?
Yes.
I think I just have
to ask my...
Cheryl?
It's okay.
Really?
Honey, you deserve it. Go!
I'm very, very dirty.
(GASPS)
(CHATTERING ON TV)
Hey.
Out.
What?
Out!
Get out!
Out! Out!
No!
(EXCLAIMS)
Oh, baby!
Okay, okay, girls.
Are you ready?
All right, let's go
over this one more time
because it's very crucial.
Kyle, stop playing
with your food.
Kyle, well, just don't stick
it up your nose, all right?
Okay, girls.
Who's taking you to your first
Bears-Packer Monday night football game?
The greatest daddy
in the world.
That's right.
And what is this
more important than?
My wedding day.
All right, Jim. I get them back
when Kyle can talk, right?
Right. You're the best.
(DRYER BUZZING)
What's in the dryer?
Oh, that's my lucky
game day jersey.
I like it toasty and warm,
'cause when I put it on, I feel like I'm
getting a hug from the whole team at once.
Oh!
Oh, honey!
You've put my jeans
in the dryer.
Oh, man. I can barely get my
big butt into them as it is.
Cheryl, your butt isn't big.
Oh, come on. Are you kidding?
Look at it!
It's like two hams.
You know, I liked it even
before you compared it to hams.
Just please don't put them
in the dryer anymore, okay?
I have a mind to stop doing
housework altogether.
All right, girls.
Get your jackets on.
Hey!
CHERYL: Hey!
Dana, will you tell your
sister her ass isn't big?
But you are big, Jim.
Okay, honey.
Now, listen. I know how rowdy you
guys get at these football games,
so if you could please watch your
language in front of the girls.
Ooh! Muzzle getting
a little tight, my lady?
All right, Andy, you, too.
But, Cheryl, I'm street.
Street's about keeping it real.
Hey, Andy, I'm putting in
these juice boxes you like.
Oh, goody!
You know, Cheryl,
I'm gonna try not to curse,
but, by that time of the
game, I'll be so drunk.
I'm kidding!
I'm kidding.
Drink with the girls.
Okay, girls!
Let's go kick some...
Gosh! Darn!
Packer keester!
It's just not the same, honey.
I know, honey.
Just try to set a good example.
All right.
A good example?
The man eats in the john.
Excuse me for being efficient.
Hey, way to stick it, Brown!
Third down, here we go!
All right.
Daddy, Daddy,
where are the bears?
Honey, they're right down
on the field, right there.
Those aren't bears.
They're the Bears.
They're not eating honey.
Oh, come on!
Where's the defense?
Ah, you bunch of...
Bully heads.
First down! Bears suck.
Daddy, he's saying a bad word.
I know, honey. He's a Packer fan.
He can't help himself.
It's all that cheese they eat.
It backs up their system, they get really weird.
The Bears are
a bunch of tampons!
Hey, shut up, cheese head.
Yeah, just watch
your mouth, huh?
I've got my little girls
here, okay?
Yeah, okay, whatever.
Hey, Urlacher! You suck!
That's it! That's it!
(EXCLAIMS) Whoa, snake!
You're on parole!
You don't want to
end up back in the joint.
Oh, so sorry. I didn't mean to
insult your precious girl, Urlacher!
What did I just say?
You can't walk into my
stadium and talk like that.
Oh, yeah, 'cause
this is your stadium.
You've got that right.
Oh, because I didn't happen
to see the sign out front
that said, "Welcome to
Big Jackass Field!"
(CROWD ROARS)
(BURPS) Oh!
Excuse me, nobody!
Girls, come on, just set it down there.
CHERYL: Hey, hey, hey!
What are you guys
doing home so early?
Oh, well, you know what?
We got up to get the
girls some cotton candy
because they love it so much and
I'm such a great dad, you know.
But then, I noticed that they
were kind of cold and tired.
And so, I thought, why push it, you know?
Because I'm a great dad.
Okay.
Girls, did you have
a good time?
You know what? They lost their
voices cheering for the Bears.
(IN RASPY VOICE) Go Bears.
(IN RASPY VOICE) Yeah.
Oh, no! Listen to you.
We've got to get
you babies into bed.
No, no, no, no. I'll do it, honey.
Go ahead, girls.
You know what? Right now, they're
kind of in a "daddy place."
You know, with the bonding at the
game and because I'm such a...
Great dad. Yeah.
You picked up on that,
too, didn't you?
Okay, girls, I'll be right up.
Good night, my pumpkins.
GIRLS: (IN NORMAL VOICE)
Night!
What? They snap back so fast
when they're that age.
So, you left the game early?
Yes, you know, fatherhood
first, football fan second.
And you are looking pretty
good in that robe, baby.
Ew!
(EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST)
What are you doing?
Oh, my God! What is...
Ah! What is this?
(LAUGHING)
Cheryl, can we please have
some mystery in this marriage?
(SCREAMS)
Look at the poor...
I don't have any hair on my arm.
NEWSCASTER ON TV: Those are the hot
movies opening this weekend.
And, with that, here's Mark Giangreco
at the sports desk. Mark?
All right, Janet, thanks a lot.
Well, I tell you it was
a low-scoring game tonight
between the Packers
and the Bears.
But the real action was in the stands.
Look at these two guys.
They don't know the meaning
of the words "time out."
COMMENTATOR ON TV: Should've had this
guy down on the field...
(COMMENTATOR CHATTERING)
That's not me.
COMMENTATOR: Oh!
Let's see that in slow mo.
That's a fifty yard...
(COMMENTATOR CONTINUES
CHATTERING)
Oh! Yeah, that's me.
Jim, how could you get into a
fight in front of the girls?
Easy.
You were not there,
Cheryl, okay?
You don't know what happened.
I'm done. I'm done.
No. No. Okay. Okay.
No, no, no! Hey! Okay.
You're judging me.
Hey, hey, hey!
You're right.
You're right.
I'm right?
You're right.
(STAMMERS) Honey, I don't
know what happened.
And so...
That's right.
So, why don't you tell me?
What did he do? Did he harass Dana?
Did he thr*aten the kids?
No, no, no.
No? No.
Well, then, what happened?
He called me a name.
He called you a name?
Yeah.
A very hurtful name.
What name? Um, fatty?
No.
Baldy?
No.
(SHOUTING) Jackass?
It is not important!
The point is, is that guy was trash
talking in front of our little angels.
The little Ruby
and the little blonde one?
Gracie.
Gracie!
I can't believe I was
worried about you swearing
and you end up doing something
a hundred times worse.
Well, whatever happened
to being a good example?
I am a good example.
(SIGHS)
Come on. I don't smoke, I've never been in jail.
I look great in corduroy.
Oh, come on!
Will you just admit it?
You were wrong.
Please! Please, Cheryl.
I'm not gonna admit I was wrong.
(PHONE RINGING)
I was not wrong at all.
No! No!
Oh, come on.
No, you weren't there.
You're really hurting my feelings right now.
I'm starting
to get hurt. Hurt.
Hello? Oh, hey, Anthony,
how are you doing?
(CHUCKLING)
Yeah, I really nailed him.
Well, thank you. Thanks for calling.
That was really nice of you.
Okay. Bye-bye.
FYI, that was Anthony. He just saw it on TV.
He thinks I'm a hero.
Who's Anthony?
Anthony, who is
on my bowling team.
The one under house arrest?
Jim...
What?
Yeah, well, why couldn't you
just call security?
That's what
civilized people do.
Honey, the football stadium
is not civilized.
It's ancient Rome.
It's where men act the way
men are supposed to act.
Pushing and shoving
and peeing in troughs.
Well, thank you, honey.
Thank you for insisting
on taking
our little angels there.
Well, they got snow cones, too.
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello? Hey, Andy.
Really?
Really? What channel?
Okay, okay. Bye.
Guess what? They've got
a name for me now.
The "Packer Smacker."
Oh...
That's just great.
My friend Julie is married
to a surgeon.
I'm married to
the "Packer Smacker."
Okay. Channel .
JIM: Packer Smacker!
Channel . Packer Smacker!
Channel .
(SIREN BLARING ON TV)
Hostage situation.
Give me that.
What do you think it does to our girls
when they see their daddy fighting?
I think it shows them that their dad
is strong and will protect them.
No, no. It shows them a role model
who solves problems with v*olence.
(GASPS) What?
Where do you get that?
(STAMMERS) What, do you think our
kids are like little sponges,
they soak up everything I do?
No, Jim. I think their teacher taught
them how to burp the alphabet.
And do they not read better?
(PHONE RINGING)
Give me that! Don't, don't, Cheryl.
Cheryl, give me, give me...
Ha!
You better change
your attitude, baby.
If you want to be Mrs.
Packer Smacker, it's gotta change.
Yeah, yeah, Kenny.
I'll give him the message.
Oh, well, he's a hero
to me, too.
Yes. Well, you know, he
belongs to the world now.
Yeah, yeah.
I was being sarcastic.
Yeah. Good ear.
Can you believe it?
Jim is a local hero.
Oh! It's gonna go
right to his head.
Yeah. It was bad enough when he
got his picture in the paper
for riding that pig.
Ugh!
Look, I agree with you that Jim shouldn't
have fought in front of the girls.
But do you really think this is
gonna permanently scar them?
Well, who knows?
Do you remember when Dad took
us to see The Exorcist?
I still have trouble going
to bed sometimes.
Well, of course you do.
You sleep with Jim.
(PHONE RINGING)
Oh, all right, that's it.
That's it. No more phone calls.
You know, you could just
unplug those things now.
Oh.
Ladies, please direct your attention
to the man behind the front door.
Oh, no...
Weighing in
at a svelte pounds...
(SCOFFS) In sixth grade.
The pride of Chicago...
The Packer Smacker...
The man they call Jim!
Jim is a registered
trademark of Jim.
You know, Cheryl, I know the world
is wrong and you are right.
But if that's true,
what's with the cheese?
You should have
seen him at work.
Guys were coming up having
him sign boxing gloves,
and giving him cheese.
You know, because of
the whole "cheese head" thing.
Yeah, I get it, I get it.
Yeah, and I got a call
from the Oval Office.
No, I mean, not the real one, you know,
the gentlemen's club off Ashland.
All right, fine.
Fine, Jim.
I'm wrong, and you and the
rest of the world are right.
Just hit whoever you want.
Grab your crotch!
Curse like a sailor!
Who cares?
It's just our kids.
You know what? It is far more
important for you to be right
than to be a good example.
Oh, come on, Cheryl.
Everybody's a winner.
(STAMMERING) Look. I fought that jerk.
He went home a hero.
I'm a hero.
Nobody got hurt.
And we got enough cheese to get through
the long, cold Chicago winter.
Please. What's the big deal?
GRACIE: (CRYING)
Mommy! Mommy!
What, baby?
Ruby punched me in the face.
Oh, no. Let me see.
(GASPS) Oh, honey,
her nose is bleeding.
That's the big deal.
Okay, come on, Gracie, let's get
some boo-boo cream for your ouchie.
CHERYL: Yeah.
GRACIE: Okay.
Just don't bleed
on Aunty Dana's shirt.
It's Dolce & Gabbana.
Where are you going?
Don't take this the wrong way,
but I have to distance
myself from you right now.
(CLICKS TONGUE)
(SIGHS)
Hey.
Hi, Daddy.
So, what happened?
She said I eat poop burgers.
Oh, no, Ruby. Come on.
Well, what are you doing here?
She made me mad,
so I punched her.
But you can't do that, honey.
You did it,
and everybody clapped.
That's totally different.
Why?
It's very simple why, honey.
He's not my sister.
So I can punch somebody else?
No, you can't.
Why?
Because you just can't.
Why? Okay, but this
is the last "why."
(SIGHS) No matter
how right you think you are,
you should never punch anybody.
Even if when you punch them
you think that you were right
when you punched them.
You understand?
No.
Well, I'm a little confused
about this myself.
(STUTTERING) Let me...
Okay, here it is, honey.
You punched your sister.
Okay, did that feel good?
No.
Okay.
Now you wish
you hadn't done that?
Yeah. Okay, well, that's
the reason right there.
It's the reason why you
should never punch anybody.
Okay?
All right, baby.
Now you just sit here and
do whatever it is you do,
you know,
when Mom's punishing you.
She makes me eat candy.
What am I, new here?
Daddy?
Yeah, honey. Do you wish you
hadn't punched that guy?
Yes.
(DOOR OPENING)
Hey.
Hey.
I just thought everybody would like
to know that Gracie is gonna be okay.
Now, is there something you girls
would like to say to each other?
I'm sorry.
You don't eat poop burgers.
That's my girls.
Do you want me to read to you?
Yeah.
"And Bunny looked at his
friend, Turtle, and said,
"'Have you seen my house?'
"'No, I have not seen
your house, ' said Turtle.
"'Then can I stay at your house?
' asked Bunny."
(SIGHS)
Cheryl, it's those damned
violent cartoons!
I mean, you got
pigs hitting ducks
and rabbits without pants!
I mean, it's a recipe
for mayhem.
Yeah, wherever we go,
we're parents.
And our kids are watching us, trying
to figure out how to live their lives.
Okay. I get it.
I mean, you know, honey, I really try
to be aware of the message I'm sending.
I try to set a good example
and, you know,
you should, too.
Good example.
Yeah, yeah, okay.
All right, girls, dinner!
Good. We're done.
And, you know, honey,
if you ever find yourself in a situation
where you don't know what to do...
You know how that is.
I want you to go ahead
and ask yourself...
Mmm-hmm?
What would Cheryl do?
And then,
you do that. Okay?
Okay, okay, I'll do that. Okay.
Hey, girls.
Guess what?
We have a special treat
for dessert.
Hot fudge sundaes!
RUBY AND JIM: Yay!
I don't want any, Mommy.
Oh, baby, what's wrong?
Does your nose hurt when you chew?
No. My butt's too big.
(GASPS)
(STAMMERS) What did
you say, honey?
Look at it.
It's like two hams!
Gracie, baby, that is not true.
You are perfect
just the way you are.
You can eat whatever you want.
All right, girls.
Now, go wash your hands.
Okay. Okay.
(STAMMERS) Wait a minute,
Cheryl, Cheryl.
"Two hams."
Help me out here.
I seem to recall someone in this
house saying the exact same thing.
Someone who sets
a good example.
Jim...
No, not me.
I think it was you.
(STAMMERS) You know what it is?
You know, it's those
damn fashion magazines.
They set such
unrealistic standards!
You know what?
I'm gonna go write a letter.
Honey, honey, honey,
it's okay, it's okay.
It happens.
But, you know, the next
time you're in a situation
where you find
you don't know what to do...
Ask yourself,
"What would Cheryl do?"
And then don't do it.
Oh!