Come on, Kyle, eat it, come on.
Hey Uncle Andy, will you
play bicycle shop with me?
No.
Please.
I don't really
feel like it, Gracie.
Please, Uncle Andy, please.
(EXHALES)
Okay.
Hi there, bicycle shop
owner, my name is Andy.
I'd like to buy
a new bike today.
We're closed.
Beat it!
Cheryl, she did it again.
Nice.
Really good setup, baby.
(EXCLAIMS)
Oh, baby!
Hey, you're not Cheryl,
but I'm okay with that.
(LAUGHING ANNOYINGLY)
Hi, I'm Janet.
(LAUGHS) I'm Jim.
Hi, I'm Cheryl's brother, Andy.
We just moved here from Boston.
We bought the Novak place.
Oh! Right, right.
Hey, great pipes.
I used the bathroom one
time during an open house.
You should thank him.
He drove away three potential buyers.
Just out of curiosity, you
didn't use the hot tub, did you?
No.
No.
Oh, good!
You met the guys.
You still like me, right?
(LAUGHS ANNOYINGLY)
Um, here's the baby monitor.
Oh, thanks.
I'll bring this back
just as soon as
the movers replace ours.
Oh, no. Don't worry about it.
We've got another set.
Jim, honey, they have the cutest
little four-month-old named Jeffrey.
He has the cutest
little apple cheeks.
You've got to go see him.
Yeah, that'll be fun.
Hey, does Jeffrey need a crib?
'Cause we have an extra one in the garage.
Oh, thanks, Cheryl, he's
still sleeping in our room.
We have the most
adorable bassinet
with little duckies
and bunnies on it.
I can't wait to see it.
Me too.
You've got the duckies
and bunnies, right?
Are they wearing hats?
'Cause that always creeps me out.
Well, I better be going.
It was nice meeting you all.
I'll see you and Cheryl
on Tuesday night.
Tuesday night.
We're looking forward to it.
Tuesday night?
Isn't she fantastic?
She's great.
What's Tuesday night?
We're going out with her and her husband.
You are going to love him.
You know what, Cheryl.
I just realized something,
Tuesday night's not
going to work out for me.
Why not?
Because I don't wanna do this.
Well, I do.
Come on, honey. These couple
things never work out for us.
There's always one person
that everybody ends up hating.
Yeah, I've noticed.
Oh, come on, honey.
I'm with kids all day,
I just wanna go
have a conversation
with someone whose nose
doesn't need wiping.
Andy, wipe your nose.
(LAUGHING)
Oh, you're serious.
Cheryl, I have been with
people all day long
and I just wanna come home,
sit in my chair with my beer,
and listen to the happy sounds of my
children playing off in the distance.
Honey, come on,
everybody needs friends.
Even the Flintstones
had the Rubbles.
This is where you're wrong
because Fred and Barney
were friends before
they met their wives.
If Wilma and Betty tried to put them
together, it wouldn't have worked out.
Is that true?
Oh, yeah.
They were roommates in college.
Well, Jim, all I know is that you got
to make six friends before you die,
because I am not carrying
your casket alone.
Hello! Aren't you
forgetting someone?
Dana and I are
your couple friends.
Andy, you and Dana
are my brother and sister.
You're not actually a couple.
But there are some folks
in the mountain communities
that would open
their arms to you.
All right, Jim,
here's the deal.
You've alienated pretty much every
couple in the neighborhood.
We need this couple.
And we need them quick, before
they start talking to people.
All right.
I'll eat with them,
but I won't talk.
Perfect! This may
just work out.
(CHERYL LAUGHING)
You know, at least...
Oh. Shh.
Shh.
Uh-uh.
(EXCLAIMS IN SHOCK)
Where am I?
Not in my chair anymore.
Oh, good.
You're up.
Hey, how were the kids?
Oh, well, the girls
went right to sleep.
And I haven't heard a
peep from Kyle all night.
How was your date?
We had a great time.
And get this,
they really seemed to like Jim.
Really?
JIM: Yeah.
Well, what's their secret?
'Cause I'm stumped.
And I think you liked them,
too, didn't you, honey?
Yeah. No, no, no, I did.
Janet was very funny. Yeah?
And Ted was... Yeah, he was
all right for a Red Sox fan.
I just don't understand how those guys
can delude themselves every year.
Hey, they're coming over for dinner
on Saturday night. Are you busy?
Oh, no, not at all. That sounds fun.
Hey, I can make a salad.
Great. Why don't you drop it off
and take the kids to a movie?
What he's trying to say
is that it's kind of
a couples' night.
You know what, I'll have you and Andy
over for dinner on Sunday night.
How's that sound?
Forget it.
I don't want your pity.
Seven-ish?
I'll bring a salad.
Thank you, Dana.
So...
So what?
Can we state officially...
Oh, officially?
Oh, yes.
Officially, for the record...
No, no, not for the record.
Oh, yeah.
Officially, for the record that
we had a good couple experience?
Yes.
(EXCLAIMS) I told you! We have couple friends.
We have couple friends.
Cheryl! All right, all right, all right.
We had a good time.
Yay!
All right. But you know what,
I got to be honest with you.
Janet's laugh is a little
annoying, don't you think?
Oh, you think?
(IMITATING
JANET'S LAUGH)
And what about
those tinted contacts?
I mean, come on, nobody's
eyes are that blue.
Well, yours are.
Well, I'm blessed.
Hey, how about Ted's hair?
Like that's real.
Oh, come on,
you don't know that.
You're right. Underneath that toupee
could be a full head of hair.
JANET: (ON BABY MONITOR) I had a really
, really good time tonight.
Who's that? Did you have
a good time, baby?
Sounds like Kyle's got
a broad in his room.
TED: Yeah,
Jim and Cheryl are great.
Oh, my God!
We're picking up Ted and
Janet on the baby monitor.
Oh, God, must be
on the same frequency.
JANET: Seemed like you
and Jim really hit it off.
TED: Yeah, I like him, I mean, for a Cub fan.
God, those guys are deluded.
Hey, the Red Sox have
lost for the last years.
Honey, they can't
hear you, it's one way.
I know, but I got to
defend the Cubs.
You know what,
this is so wrong.
We've got to turn this off.
TED: Cheryl's beautiful, isn't she?
What a gorgeous smile.
Wait maybe just one minute.
JANET: And her hair, it's so full and
bouncy, I'd k*ll for hair like that.
(LAUGHING)
Oh, so bouncy.
And she's so graceful. She must
have been a dancer or something.
Well, a cheerleader.
But you do have to know how to move.
TED: You know what I don't understand?
JANET: What?
TED: How does a guy who looks like
that get a woman like Cheryl?
Fair enough.
TED: And did you notice how he
stared off in every direction
when the check came?
What? I thought
I saw the mayor.
JANET: And what was
the deal with his pants?
TED: (LAUGHS) It's one thing to open
up your pants after the meal,
but he showed up like that.
(JANET LAUGHING ANNOYINGLY)
Why didn't you tell me?
Oh, honey, who notices anymore?
Who notices?
They noticed!
Who are these people?
They're nice to my face and then they trash me.
(LAUGHING) Oh, honey, they're
just doing exactly what we did.
You said that thing about
her laugh and his hair.
Now that's totally different.
How?
Well, they couldn't hear me.
Cheryl, I don't
like these people.
I don't wanna go out to dinner
with them on Saturday night.
(STAMMERING) Honey...
They're not coming here. No.
No, no, look, honey. They obviously
like us as much as we like them.
Let's just forget everything
we heard tonight.
How?
TED: Hey, you ready for bed?
JANET: Ooh, look, honey,
little Winston's waking up.
Great, they woke up
their little kid.
But their kid's
name is Jeffrey.
TED: Oh, looks like little Winston
wants to come out and play.
What?
Then who's little...
Oh, God.
Yeah. Oh, God. Oh, get it off!
Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew!
Thank you.
We don't need to hear that.
JANET: Honey,
put some music on.
CHERYL: Off, Jim.
JANET: How could they not
give me that promotion?
For it to go
to her of all people.
What did I miss? What did I miss?
Tell me. Tell me.
Wait till you hear this, Janet
didn't get the promotion.
Damn!
Looks like I owe you a buck.
JANET: It's not fair.
So who got it?
Sylvia from accounting.
We hate her.
Oh! And guess who
her sister is marrying.
Not Brad.
The same.
Mmm.
I'm gonna buy
ice cream with this.
JANET: I don't know
what I'm going to do.
She should just pursue her dream
of becoming a veterinarian.
I should just pursue my dream
of becoming a veterinarian.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
I thought I said no listening.
Oh, come on,
it's all G-rated.
There's nothing about
little Winston.
Well, in this house
we don't eavesdrop
on other people's conversation.
Oh, yeah, you're right.
Your mommy would never do anything like that.
No.
By the way she's wearing
green tonight, too.
Well, we'll both be wearing
green, I don't care.
This is k*lling you, isn't it?
(SCOFFS)
I hate you!
And that's why
I'm no longer welcome
in Frontierland.
(ALL LAUGH)
Oh, that is so funny, Jim.
Cheryl, Ted and I were just saying
what a wonderful smile you have.
Oh, stop it. You're gonna
make me self-conscious.
Hey, Ted, do you know what I
like about these new pants?
Sturdy buttons.
You know, sometimes you
get those cheap pants
and they open up on you and
make you look like a slob.
You know what I'm saying, Ted?
I guess.
Yeah, sure you do.
Honey. Honey, would you
come in the kitchen
and help me
with the hors d'oeuvres?
Sure, sure.
And, hey, by the way,
you know what? I'm a little upset
with you about the other night,
you know, beating me
to the check like that.
Next time, no restaurants
around City Hall.
(LAUGHS)
(LAUGHING) We have got to stop this,
we're getting way too obvious.
We have to stop talking about anything
we heard on that stupid monitor.
Okay, okay. All right,
all right, all right.
But, you know what, I really
do like these new pants,
so I may talk about that.
Okay, honey, would you
please take these out there
while I get the rest
of this set up?
Okay.
Thank you.
Oh, boy,
you're gonna love these.
Hey, Ted, can I interest
you in a little Winston?
CHERYL: Oh, my God!
What?
What did you say?
Weenie, weenie,
he said "little weenie."
No, no, no.
Yep.
No, no. He said
"little Winston."
No, I didn't.
Yes, you did.
Why would I say
"little Winston"?
We don't even know
what that means.
No.
Did you tell Cheryl?
No! Well, how else could
she possibly know?
I don't know.
Jim, talk about your pants.
I love my pants.
Does everyone in the world have
to know about my inadequacy?
Ted, wait. You're not inadequate.
You're fine for me.
Oh, little Winston.
Yeah, Jim, this is great.
Here we are again, our
neighbors have stormed out,
I'm upset, and you're
finishing hors d'oeuvres.
We each have our strengths.
We had couple friends
for exactly a day and a half.
Beats our old record.
Put a sock in it.
Do you see right there?
That kind of sass is
what chases couples away.
Jim, you know what?
You did this on purpose.
You did.
You didn't want couple friends
so you sabotaged
this whole thing.
Me? Sabotage?
Yeah!
Come on, you're the one who made
me bring out the little weenies.
(EXCLAIMS)
How am I not supposed to
think of little Winston?
You should have served
something else like shrimp.
No, that wouldn't have
been any good, either.
TED: Forget it, Janet. I don't
wanna talk about it anymore.
JANET: Ted, I swear,
I didn't say anything.
I would never tell anyone.
TED: You told your sister.
JANET: Well, that's different,
I tell her everything.
See? She's a loose cannon.
No! She would have
eventually told us.
TED: Well, I hope
you're happy.
I'll never be able to look at
those people in the face again.
JANET: Where are you going?
TED: I'm gonna sleep
downstairs tonight.
Wow.
This is terrible.
TED: I can't stand this,
I got to find out the truth.
I'm going back
over there right now.
Oh, my God.
He's coming over.
JANET: Well,
I'm going with you.
Okay, they're both coming over.
What are we going to do?
Well, I could always
take my shirt off.
That always chases
the Jehovah's Witnesses away.
You know what we need?
We need a good lie.
A good lie. All right.
You got one?
Oh, don't look at me.
This is not my area.
This where you shine.
I don't know
if I necessarily shine...
Jim.
All right, all right.
Focus.
All right, let me think here.
I got it.
Well, she told her sister, right?
Right.
All right, we just say
the sister told us.
We don't even know the sister,
that's a terrible lie.
Well, I can't come up with
a masterpiece on the spot.
I didn't eat dinner.
I'm hungry. My...
(DOORBELL RINGS) Shh.
They're here.
What are we going to do?
Let's pretend like
we're not here.
They can see your head.
All right, Cheryl.
We both know
what we have to do.
(SIGHS) Oh.
(SIGHS) All right.
Stay strong.
Okay.
Stay with me.
I got you.
Hi, we know why you're here.
And we're going to
tell you the truth,
earthlings.
I can't believe it.
You listened to all our
private conversations.
No, no, no.
Just the ones in the bedroom.
We are so sorry.
We never meant for
any of this to happen.
Really, you know,
we are good people.
Yeah, we are great people.
I mean, every year we leave
a big box of crap out
for the veterans.
Ted, we had a great time with them
and they seem to be genuinely sorry.
Well...
Come on.
Yeah, we do really like you guys
and we so want to be friends.
Yeah, just stay for dinner.
You know, you guys, what we heard
will never leave this room.
Never.
It is forgotten.
Boom! Gone!
Hey, hey, what are you doing
back from the movie so soon?
Dana forgot her glasses.
Oh, my God, you must
be Ted and Janet.
So, I'm Dana.
I feel like I already know you.
Hi, Ted, I'm Andy. Hi, Andy.
You know, um,
I call mine the Duke.
(LAUGHS)
Get out.
What did he say?
(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES) That's great!
The whole family knows.
Let's go, Janet.
No, no, no, no, no. All they know
is that Sylvia is a backstabber,
and you really wanna
be a veterinarian.
And by the way, you go girl.
Goodbye, Cheryl.
No, no, no. Hey,
I made fettuccini.
Hold on, hold on,
hold on. Look,
I know this personal
thing about you,
this, you know,
embarrassing thing,
this, I guess,
humiliating thing...
Jim...
And so I'm thinking, why don't I just
tell you something like that about me
and then we'd be even.
What do you say to that?
Yeah. I...
Oh, come on, I got something
that'll blow your socks off.
Okay. Okay, but it better
be really humiliating.
It is.
Okay.
Uh...
This is really hard to say.
It's okay, honey, go ahead.
(SIGHS)
Okay.
Cheryl had a nose job.
What?
All right, let's eat.
I didn't have a nose job...
Oh, you did so.
I did not.
I had a deviated septum.
The doctor said that as long as
he was going to break my nose,
he may as well...
Ted, what do you think?
No, I'm sorry.
Nose job is just not gonna do it.
I'm sorry, Cheryl, we really
wanted this to work out.
No, no, no, no.
Jim, get out here.
One second. Seriously, if you
guys could just stay here
just one second, seriously.
There's fresh coffee in the kitchen.
Help yourselves.
What the hell is
the matter with you?
I was trying to
support you there.
I totally put myself
on the line for you.
How did you put
yourself on the line?
Well, I had to come up
with something,
and I haven't had
corrective surgery.
(GASPS)
You know, Jim, Ted and
Janet are about to go,
and they are never coming back.
But you know what
really hurts me?
I turned to you for help and you just...
You humiliated me.
What?
Yeah.
Thanks for being
there for me, Jim.
(SIGHS)
Come on, Cheryl, you know I
didn't mean to hurt you.
Well, you did.
Okay.
Are you sure this is
the couple you want?
Yeah.
You're not gonna get
tired of them in a week?
No, Jim, come on.
It can't just be you and me
for the rest of our lives.
Why not?
Oh, honey.
I'll k*ll you.
(LAUGHS) All right.
I'll do my best.
Thanks for waiting.
Now, how about this?
I haven't even
told Cheryl this.
I went to see Spider-Man
and it was sold out.
And the only movie
I could go see was
the Divine Secrets
of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood.
And I cried.
No.
Ya-ya.
You know, so you cried
at a chick flick, big deal.
Come on, come on,
honey. I'm sorry.
Wait! Wait!
Goodbye, Cheryl.
Bye, Janet.
Wait! Wait!
No, it's over.
No, no, it's not over
until I say it's over.
Ted! Janet! I...
I had a h*m*
experience in college!
Really?
Yes!
What was his name?
Craig.
Howard.
Craig Howard.
Did you love him?
Yes.
Works for me.
Let's eat.
Now, that was a masterpiece.
(SIGHS) Yeah.
Oh, what's the matter?
I miss Craig.
(LAUGHING)
So I'm going to need a lot of
hetero sex to help me forget.
Oh, I see.
Well, I'll make you a deal.
I'll unbutton your pants later
if you button them now.
Oh, damn! I had such high
hopes for these pants.
CHERYL: (ON BABY MONITIOR)
Oh, I really had such
a wonderful time,
tonight, Janet.
Thanks for having us over.
JANET: Sure, and I'm really glad
we got past that awkwardness.
JIM: Amen to that.
(JANET LAUGHING)
(PHONE RINGING)
TED: Hello.
Yeah, just a minute.
Hey Jim, it's for you.
It's Craig Howard.
Says he's in town and he
wants to go antiquing.
And tell him to wear his beret.
I want us to match.
(STIFLED LAUGHTER)