Here we go!
Happy first birthday,
my son.
Now, this is
a sundae, but --
[ Coos ]
It's a sundae, but don't
be fooled by the name,
Because you can have it
every day of the week.
That's right.
Make a wish.
Let me give you some advice.
If you're gonna wish
for the chick on "alias,"
Not gonna happen.
Ready? Ready?
Bl-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl!
[ Puffs ]
All for you, my son!
All for me, my son!
Mmm!
And when you're
a little older,
We're gonna have beer
with this.
[ Coos ]
Hah!
Oh, baby.
Jim: yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's right.
Happy birthday, boy.
Look, honey, it's a
"little man" workbench.
You like that?
Look at this.
It's got a wrench and
a screwdriver and a saw.
You can be
just like daddy.
Exposed butt crack
sold separately.
Somebody's been looking.
Eww!
Oh, sorry!
I didn't see you there.
Interesting.
It's my birthday, too,
yet you didn't see me.
You only see kyle.
[ Scoffs ]
Look at that smug smile
on his face.
Well, he's probably
pooping, andy.
Oh.
Great.
Hey, everybody,
look at me. I'm pooping.
I try and make a joke,
and he shows me up.
All right, andy,
what's going on?
I don't know.
It's just now
that kyle and I have
the same birthday --
Which is great.
Big fan.
Are we gonna celebrate
together every year?
No!
Someday, you'll die.
I love kyle.
I guess I just don't
wanna share my birthday.
I'm trying to look
at this as an adult.
But it's just
that I'm --
A big baby?
You're the baby!
Andy -- one.
Gracie -- zip.
Okay, how about this?
We don't we do something
special for you?
What would you like?
I-i don't know.
Oh, come on.
There must be something.
Dinner at the rusty schooner
restaurant
And an : viewing of
"rollerball" at the cineplex
And a treat.
Surprise me.
No coconut.
Rusty schooner?
Isn't that the place
with the -ounce steak?
Oh, jim, jim, that's
/ pounds of meat.
It's like trying to eat
your own head.
Ooh, and if you
finish it,
They give you this
little metal pin
That's shaped
like an anchor.
You know what?
You go for the pin.
I'm going for the challenge.
Man against meat.
So far, I'm undefeated.
Okay.
It's time -- hello --
for my present for kyle.
Oh, look at this, sweetie.
"One custom-painted mural
for your child's room
From wee world of wonder."
Wow, dana, this must have
cost a fortune.
Don't worry about it.
But, yeah, it did.
It's sweet,
but it's a little much.
Oh, come on, cheryl,
he's my boy.
Who's my boy?
I'm his auntie.
I know, but you buy
these expensive gifts
for the girls.
I'm afraid you're
spoiling them.
Cheryl, if she wants to spend
money on the gifts, let her.
Come on,
birthdays are a big deal.
Thank you, jim.
You're welcome, dana.
More cake?
Don't mind if I do.
No, I mean I want you
to get me some more cake.
All right, unless
cheryl thinks
I'm spoiling you.
Ha ha ha!
Oh, I'll get it.
She'll never get the right
ice-cream-to-cake ratio.
You know
what I'm thinking about?
Oh, let me see.
It couldn't be
that -ounce steak
At the rusty schooner,
could it?
No.
I'm thinking about birthdays
and, I don't know,
Passages of time
and family and, you know,
Life just goes by
in a blink.
All right, you got me.
I was thinking about the steak.
I can't believe
you took dana's side.
I didn't take dana's side.
It was just how I felt.
What are you doing?
I'm look for a good, sturdy
pair of steak pants.
What?
Cheryl, I'm gonna eat
a -ounce piece of meat.
I need a pair of pants
that are up to the challenge.
Hey, where are
those pants I wear
When I have
my winter weight?
You ripped them when you were
carrying your summer weight.
Hey, you know,
what is it with dana?
I keep asking her
not to spend so much,
But every birthday,
every holiday,
it's $ , $ gifts.
If she's stupid enough
to love our kids
as much as we do,
She deserves it.
[ Grunts ]
Aagh!
Aah!
Unh!
Hey, remember
last halloween
I played m.c. Hammer?
Where are those pants?
I made them into a tent
for the kids.
Yeah, you know,
maybe you're right.
I mean, she does love
our kids a lot.
Hey, look,
it's only money.
Better yet,
it's her money.
Okay.
Would you do me a favor?
Would you pick up
the check tomorrow
At andy's birthday dinner?
It would help even
things out for me.
All right, but make sure
the kids fill up on bread
Before they order.
Of course.
Hey!
What do you think
if I wear this
robe to dinner?
I don't know, jim.
What if there's a breeze?
No, really,
I could put an ascot on.
With you on my arm,
everyone will think
I'm hef.
No, they won't.
You're right.
You're not twins.
But if you were...
No, jim.
No, no.
[ Chanting ]
go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Yay!
Yay!
Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
Congratulations.
You've thinned out
the herd.
All right,
get together.
Baaaggh!
Very pretty.
Very pretty.
Ahoy, mateys.
[ Blows whistle ]
Seems you two swabs
have polished off
Our famous
-ounce landlubber.
Yep!
And it's about
to set sail.
Avast, me hearty.
Requesting an official
gold anchor pin.
Argh.
We don't have pins.
We have stickers.
Can we have one?
No, girls.
No, it's a special sticker.
The only people who get --
Sure.
Yay!
Yay!
♪ What shall we do
with the birthday boy? ♪
♪ What shall we do
with the birthday boy? ♪
♪ What shall we do
with the birthday boy? ♪
♪ Serve him cake
and coffee ♪
Yay!
I'd like to make a toast
to my brother-in-law.
Honey! Honey! Honey!
What are you doing?
Well, it was either
finish the steak
or keep my pants on.
What do you
want me to do?
Keep your pants on.
Oh, here,
I'll take that.
No, no, no, no.
Let me get the check.
No, jim, really,
he's my brother.
Well, all right.
You can't argue --
Yes, I can.
Andy is cheryl's brother.
I'm married to cheryl.
I'm gonna take the check.
Whoa!
Somebody break something?
It's my pleasure.
Jim, please,
I can afford this.
So can i.
This is not
a problem for me.
What, do you think
it's a problem for me?
Well, I do make more
money than you.
Give...
Me...
The...
Check.
Barnacle bill's!
They have the pins.
Ah!
Uhh!
[ Gurgling ]
Did you say something?
No, it was my stomach.
Oh, can you blame it?
You ate ounces of meat.
No, cheryl, I conquered
ounces of meat.
Can you believe dana
said that tonight?
She said, "I make
more money than you."
Well, she does.
How do you
know that?
I know what you make,
and I know what she makes.
How much does she make?
You really want to know?
No.
Okay.
Yeah. No.
[ Sighs ] jim.
Honey, she didn't mean
anything by it.
She was just trying
to be nice.
No, she wasn't.
She was trying
to rub it in my face,
Like she does
when she buys
those expensive gifts.
Well, wait a minute.
When I said something
about those gifts,
I believe you said,
"it's only money."
I say lots of things.
I said I was gonna have
a diet coke tonight.
What did I have?
Six beers.
There you go.
You are a hypocrite.
You change your mind
all the time.
You call it
being a woman.
I do it,
I'm a hypocrite?
Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
You're a woman.
Yeah. Well,
this woman is
gonna go downstairs
And sleep
on the couch.
Oh, honey, come on.
Don't be mad.
Cheryl, I just ate
/ pounds of meat.
I'm sleeping on the couch
because I love you.
Oh, no!
No, honey!
Oh!
Drumroll, please.
[ Imitates drumroll ]
Ta-da!
Wow!
Dana, I love it!
Look, it's jack sprat,
and blackbirds,
Hey, diddle-diddle,
A couple of rabbits
falling down a hill.
I'm really proud of
how it turned out.
What do you think, jim?
I don't know.
I mean, it's nice.
That spoon and that dish
running off together,
It's kind of unnatural,
but...
Dana, it is beautiful.
In fact, it's so beautiful,
I kind of feel like
We need to repaint kyle's room
before we put it up there,
don't you think?
Yes, we'll paint
kyle's room.
We'll paint
the whole house.
I love gifts
that make me do more work.
Maybe we should
put it in the garage
till the room is done.
I think it'll be
safer there.
Aunt dana, can we have
one for our room?
Ple-e-e-ase?
No, girls, this is aunt dana's
special gift for kyle.
Then can we have
a pony?
Ple-e-e-ase?
We'll see.
Girls, don't go asking
aunt dana for stuff like that.
You ask me. I'm your father.
I'll get you what you want.
Can you get us
a pony?
No.
Darn it.
Girls, it's not that I don't
have the money for a pony
Or enough money
To take people out
to a steak dinner or whatever.
It's that the best gifts
come from here, not from here.
From your butt?
No, from my wallet.
What I'm trying to say, girls,
Is that the pony
isn't important.
What's important is love.
You understand
what I'm trying to say, girls?
Good.
Can aunt dana
give us money
so we can buy a pony?
Hey, what are you
doing up so early?
And what's this?
You made breakfast?
Well, today's
kind of a special day.
Why?
Sit down.
Come here. Come here.
Sit, sit, sit, sit.
Cheryl, I did something
wonderful today.
Oh, my god.
What are you saying
that for?
You don't even know
what I'm gonna say!
Well, honey, the last time
you did something wonderful,
I ended up with rotting tires
in the backyard.
Cheryl, "rubber-circle
fun land" was a great idea.
But this idea...is better.
I got the girls a pony.
What?
Oh, tell me
it's just for the day.
You bought a pony?
No, cheryl!
We bought a pony.
I put your name
on the card.
Oh.
[ Distant braying ]
What?
That's not a pony!
Pony, donkey --
The girls aren't
gonna be able to tell
the difference.
Besides, do you know
how much a pony is?
Like, , bucks.
I got this pony
for a deal.
All right,
stop calling it a pony.
How much was it?
Bucks.
Down from $ .
He still kicks,
you know.
What?
I'm gonna train him.
You are gonna train
a donkey?
Cheryl, come on, donkeys
are very smart animals.
It's the movies that
make them look stupid.
Besides, look at that.
They threw in
a bale of hay...
And this derby.
[ Laughs ]
[ Angry snorting ]
Well, when he calms down,
I'm gonna put it on him.
I'm a little scared of him
right now.
He's got a great personality,
and his name is paul.
I'm not married
to that name.
Speaking of being
married to an ass...
That's funny,
I'm gonna use that.
There is no way you're
keeping that donkey.
What are you talking about?
Why not?
I'll walk him!
I'll take care of him!
Cheryl, the girls are
really gonna love him.
And you know what?
I think you'd love paul, too,
if I put this little derby on
And maybe a big pair
of sunglasses.
[ Paul brays ]
[ Crash ]
Paul?!
[ Gasps ]
oh, my god!
Dana's mural is ruined!
All right, cheryl,
this is where
the training starts.
Come on. Help me
rub his nose in it.
A pony!
A pony!
Aunt dana bought us
a pony!
Aunt dana didn't
buy you a pony.
I bought you the pony.
It's not a pony!
[ Both crying ]
Nice going, cheryl.
This will blow over,
paul.
It's not my fault.
It was paul's.
Paul.
[ Scoffs ]
You know what
you should have named him?
[ Laughs ]
Donkey-hotey.
You know,
like don quixote?
"Man of la mancha"?
No?
Ooh! How about
mr. Applesauce?
Oh...
She is so upset.
You know, she was really
proud of that mural.
Yeah, I know.
But you know what?
In a way, it's --
it's kind of funny.
Dana spent $ on a mural
for her only nephew,
And now it's ruined,
and we own a donkey.
How is that funny?
Well, I'd tell it
better than that.
[ Paul brays ]
Oh, I think he's lonely.
I'm gonna keep him company.
[ Paul brays ]
Coming, mr. Applesauce!
His name is paul!
Give him his dignity.
Honey?
Honey, when dana comes
out of the bathroom,
I think you really
need to talk to her.
Why?
I didn't
kick the mural
and pee on it.
Wow, well,
you got me there, jim.
However, you did buy the donkey
because you wanted to prove
That you could spend money, too,
because you were threatened
By the fact that my sister
makes more money than you!
Oh, come on! What are
you talking about?
There you go again,
Confusing the issue
to take the blame
off of yourself.
Me?
What did I do?
You don't know?
What?
Excuse me.
"Do me a favor
and pick up the check
for andy's dinner."
What does that have to do
with a donkey in our garage?
Cheryl, if you can't
draw a straight line
From a steak dinner to
a donkey in the garage,
Then I can't help you!
All right, you guys,
I think I'm just gonna go home.
I'll see you later.
Bye-bye.
Go-go.
Wait! Wait!
Wait. Wait.
Dana, um...
So, the mural, huh?
Ha!
Yeah.
Yeah.
[ Sighs ]
You know,
between you and me,
That donkey
is an ass.
Cheryl gave me that.
She also, you know,
put the mural
in the garage.
But you know what?
We're big enough.
We can both
forgive her, huh?
Jim, this isn't
about the mural.
You're threatened because
a woman makes more money
than you.
What is with
you and cheryl?
I am not threatened
by women making
more money than me.
Come on, I know that!
I mean, there's oprah.
There's,
uh, there's madonna.
There's that blond lady
who makes lampshades
out of apples.
Martha stewart?
Okay.
So, then,
what is your problem?
I'll tell you what
my problem is, dana.
It's what you said
the other night --
"I make more money
than you" --
In front of my kids.
Dana, that's why
they're coming up to you
And asking you
for stuff instead
of me, their father.
I'm the head of the family,
and when you said that,
It just cut me off
at the knees.
All I wanted to do
was pay for dinner.
Dana, that's fine,
but it's just the way
you did it.
It made me feel
about this big.
Wait a minute.
Are you saying
that I hurt your feelings?
No!
I'm just saying you make
me feel bad inside.
Jim...
Of course you're
the head of this family.
You take care
of everybody.
You even take care
of me and andy.
Well, that,
I had no choice.
You guys were
thrust on me.
All right, I see
what happened.
You do?
Yeah, I shouldn't
have said that thing.
I'm sorry.
Thank you.
I'm not gonna stop buying stuff
for your kids, though.
No, no, I want you
to keep doing that.
Actually, you know
what they really want?
I heard them talking.
What?
That directv with
the sports package.
Really?
Ruby has been chattering
about it.
Something about
international soccer.
So are we okay?
Yeah.
Should we hug?
No.
Okay.
Whew!
Listen, the mural?
I want to pay for it.
But between the steak dinner
and the donkey/pony...
I'm just a little
tapped out right now.
Oh, that's okay.
I can afford it.
I make more money
than you.
[ Laughs ]
Oh, come on.
I didn't say it
in front of anyone.
I was this close
to hugging you.
Andy: hey, you guys?
You gotta check this out.
Oh, boy.
Ha ha ha ha!
Come here.
Oh, yeah, you like that?
I love you, andy.
You're my best friend.
[ Smoochs ]
He really needs
to find a girlfriend.
I think he just did.