Ladies and gentlemen.
Mesdames et messieurs.
Children of all ages.
The Huntington Brothers welcome you
to the greatest show
in this or any other universe!
Bulletman!
You're welcome. So pleased to meet me.
Well, the pleasure is all yours.
Horatio P. Huntington!
One half of the world-famous
Huntington Brothers Circus!
Which half, I'll let you decide.
-And that's me!
-Delish.
The good lookin' one.
Whoa. Slow down there, Chesterfield.
Why?
It's free, ain't it?
You hear that crowd, little brother?
I'm going to be rich as Rockefeller,
but twice as pretty.
You'll partake in the riches, too.
At a slightly smaller share, of course.
You know I don't care about money,
Horatio. I just...
Want to entertain people. Yes.
Love that about you.
And everyone's
favorite brother, Buffalo Bob Huntington.
The heart and soul of the circus.
Excuse me, Mister Huntington, sirs.
Hey, Esmerelda. Everything all right?
Is better than all right.
I am slippings away
from the fortune tellings booth
to introduce you to...
...beautiful niece
visiting from old country.
Hopes you will give her job.
-What? No!
-We would if we could.
We don't need
more mouths to feed!
Which is to say...
She's hired!
I promise I will not be any trouble.
A real beauty, yes?
Oof. Family resemblance?
The apple does not fall
far from the tree.
Fall far from the tree?
This apple looks like
it was shot from the tree with a rocket.
You flirt.
Whoa!
Come here.
Up until that point,
Bob and Horatio had a good thing going.
But you know what they say
about good things...
they never last.
Thank you.
Horatio, hold on to your hat
'cause Talia and I
have something exciting to tell ya!
-We are...
-Breaking up!
Getting married!
What?
Is a blessing!
I love love!
So romantic, no?
No! Yuck!
Now then, I've allowed this to go on
for far too long, little brother.
She's poison, this one.
Okay. I can see
you're obviously not thinking straight.
No! I see everything
quite clearly, Robert,
and I am putting my foot down.
-Horatio!
-You can't be serious.
- I'm dead serious.
- I love Talia.
-And...
-Either she goes, or I go!
Choose now, brother.
Gee, I wonder
what he should do.
What to do, what to do?
Ooh, this is a nail biter.
Bulletman!
Lick.
You want some?
Maybe you should cut down
on the carbs there, Chesterfield.
That clown suit is looking mighty snug.
Nah!
With this metabolism,
I could eat a chocolate elephant
and never gain a pound.
Bulletman.
Man, sorry about that.
Esmerelda has giftie for newlyweds.
-A "giftie"?
-From Himalayas.
I got it here somewhere.
Ouch. Where did I put it?
No, you don't want that.
A-ha.
What is it?
Something special.
Something magic.
That old dame wasn't kidding.
- There was magic in that wooden box.
- Come on!
For 30 years, Buffalo Bob's
Rootin' Tootin' Animal Circus
- was the biggest show in the universe.
And no one was a bigger fan
than this gooney kid.
Look at him.
Bob's nephew, Owen.
He practically grew up
right there in the front row.
- And he wasn't the only one.
Wow! Front row?
Thank you, Daddy.
Nothing but the best
for my little Zoe.
Well, it finally happened.
I can't see my feet!
Sorry, hot dog. I guess we won't be...
Wait a second.
Problem solved.
Say something to her, squirt.
Hi. I'm... I'm...
I'm...
I'm Zoe.
I'm Owen.
Don't encourage them.
I'm clowning around. I'm just clowning.
And as time passed, it turns out
Bob and Talia weren't the only ones
to fall in love at the circus.
Ta-da!
What?
Zoe...
I love you.
Will you marry me?
Honk once for yes.
Damn!
Ooh. Sorry.
Bulletman!
Okay, Huntington,
I've been against this
from the day you two met.
Zoe comes from a respectable family.
And you come from, well...
Hey, pull my finger.
...here.
Um... in Chesterfield's defense,
he's a clown.
Well, I won't have my daughter
wasting her days
"clowning around" at a circus!
She's a bright, young girl
who's gonna be running
the entire company one day.
Say, why don't you come to work for me?
Yeah,
at the dog biscuit factory.
No. You were serious.
Deadly.
Um...
Hey, good news.
I'm...
leaving the circus.
I'm gonna come work for your dad
at the dog biscuit factory.
What? Why?
Don't listen to my dad.
You love the circus.
It'll be fine, you'll see.
It'll be the best decision I ever made.
It was the worst decision he ever made.
Hey, sweetie, I have a board meeting
in a couple of minutes.
Can you just grab Mackenzie from daycare?
- Yeah, sure thing, honey.
- You're the best. Mwah!
-Owen! Zoe!
-Hey, Binkley.
-It's ready!
-You mean it?
I think I finally got her
calibrated correctly.
Are you serious?
I can... I can feel it!
Honey, if this thing actually works,
your dad's gonna stop loathing me
and start liking me!
Stop it. You're his son-in-law.
He loves you.
Your dad has me eating dog biscuits.
-You know, kind of...
-Biscuits for dogs.
-He likes you.
-He has me eating dog biscuits.
Think about that.
I'm eating dog biscuits for a job.
-But this, this could be my ticket...
-You mean our ticket?
Our ticket, yes.
What is it?
Only something amazing.
Watch.
Your husband had a genius idea.
Dogs like people food, right?
-Pepperoni pizza!
-Bacon burgers!
Pot roast!
So... we should make treats
that taste like people food.
-Tater tots!
-Mac and cheese!
-Chocolate chip cookies!
-Sushi!
Anything you can dream of!
Gabagool!
Wait, you made this?
Yes! Well, no.
She did a lot of it, most of it.
She's a genius.
I just created the machine.
Wow. Wow, wow, wow. This could work.
-It will work.
-It will totally work!
Would you like the honor?
Yes.
Yes, I would.
- Well?
- What's it taste like?
What? You like it?
No.
Well, it tastes a lot like vinegar.
Vin... vinegar?
No. No, no, no.
That one should taste like cupcakes.
And sour milk!
What? Impossible. Impossible!
- Owen! Your face.
- Wait.
-What's happening to your face?
-I'm getting a real hint of old sneakers.
You shouldn't!
And this shouldn't
be happening, either!
I'm a Heffalump!
Do something, Binkley!
I don't know what's wrong!
That feels so much better.
-Does not smell better.
-Yeah, it's... it's awful.
- Well, if it isn't Sir Burps-a-lot.
- Agh.
Brock, what are you doing here?
Your dad sent me.
You're late for the, board meeting.
Okay, I know.
Just tell him
that I need a few more minutes, okay?
What, do I look like, an errand boy?
Yeah.
Like some super handsome errand boy
with shiny hair and big biceps,
perfect lips, and dreamy eyes.
Wait, wait, wait. This wasn't the way
that I left these dials yesterday.
Baby soft skin.
Okay. All fixed.
And check out these pecs.
Look at them go. Look at them go.
-How is it that he gets paid more than me?
-I don't know, honey.
Zoe, we have a board meeting!
What are you doing in this...
In...
They've got a mind of their own, right?
What is this place?
Dad, Owen, and Binkley
have been working
on something incredible for you.
It's a surprise!
You know the only surprise
I like is to not be surprised!
It's true. He hates surprises.
Binkley is too shy to tell you,
but did you know
that she is a certified genius?
Yeah.
How does that help me
sell dog biscuits?
Just give her a shot.
Well?
Out with it!
Okay, well, you see,
Owen had this idea
for new dog biscuit flavors,
and he asked me to build a machine
to replicate people food
because, as we all know,
dogs love eating people food.
-Which actually got me wondering...
-Okay...
...do dogs eat the people food
because we are or do they really like it?
Or is it because they're eating the food
that we have on our plate...
...because we pat them on the head,
and they go...
But then I was like, "No,
it has to be because the food
tastes really good...
-Binkley!
-A certified genius.
Can anyone understand what she's saying?
Not a word, sir.
All I have to do is flip the switch!
Wait. That's not the right sound.
Something's wrong.
Well, can you fix it?
I'm trying! I'm trying!
- Shut it down!
- Shut it down!
-I can't. It's going nuclear!
-Please. Please.
Whoa!
Mr. Woodley, I am so, so...
- Nincompoopy?
- Actually I...
Were you gonna say you're nincompoopy?
Because that's what you are,
you nincompoop!
You know, I lettered in sports
back in college. Major star.
I know it's here, somewhere.
Whatever it is.
I'll know it when I see it.
I'll find it
if I have to tear the place apart!
Where is it?
What is it?
This should have been mine.
She should have been mine!
This all should be mine!
Hello.
Useless.
Nice doggy. Nice doggy.
Who's a little sweetie...!
Bad doggy! Bad doggy!
Heel! Heel! Stop!
Please, please! Heel!
He's got my bottom! He's a bottom biter!
They were on sale. No judging.
Back! Back! Back, I say!
Run away!
Bad dog! Help! Help! Ouch!
Am I crazy, or do I smell smoke?
Zucchini! Zucchini!
Quickly, you lazy little Lilliputian!
Monkey, monkey, monkey, monkey!
-Monkey!
-Mackenzie, Mackenzie! Okay. Inside voice.
It's way past your bedtime.
Let's get upstairs.
Gross.
What were we thinking going to dinner?
Really?
You wanted to cook after a day like this?
-No.
-No.
I could've.
Gross. It's in my ear, Zoe.
Go take a shower, you big baby.
Yeah. It's in other places, too.
Why would you tell me that?
Got you, you little monkey!
Monkey!
Yuck.
Hello?
Yes?
What?
But... how?
Owen?
Well, I... Yeah. Okay.
Thank you.
We'll be there.
What's wrong?
There was a fire at the circus.
My Uncle Bob and Aunt Talia, they're...
they're gone.
We are gathered here today
to honor our dear friends Bob and Talia.
Buffalo Bob Huntington
was a man among men,
an entertainer's entertainer,
who loved making people smile.
A man who could belch
the entire alphabet on a single breath.
A-B-C.
Takes me like 24.
He brought me in as a young clown
-and taught me everything I know.
-Owen.
Seriously. Turn it off.
Including this.
This.
And this.
- Come on, man!
- Again!
I call that one the "Walloping Wet Willy."
Not to be confused
with the "Paralyzing Pee-Pee Pants."
Whoo-hoo! Predicament.
-Hey!
-...is for horses.
- Señor Pee-Pee Pants.
It's vintage, but it's good.
But all kidding aside, kidding aside,
your Uncle Bob and Aunt Talia
were people
with the biggest hearts of anyone I know.
Always there for their family.
Gretchen, who paid for your electrolysis
when your days as "the Bearded Lady"
were sadly over?
Bob and Talia.
That's right.
And, Bulletman,
there are 206 bones in the human body,
which means Bob and Talia
took you to the hospital
at least 206 times.
What do you have to say
about their love and generosity?
Bulletman!
You see?
We were all family to Bob and Talia.
And family was everything to them.
I simply must disagree with you
on that, my corpulent clown.
Horatio?
-Wait, you weren't...
-Invited to my own brother's funeral?
Yes, I seem to have unraveled
that particular mystery.
Ahem.
Robert "Buffalo Bob" Huntington,
my blood, my brother,
stole from me!
Robbed me of my legacy, my love,
and the last 50 years of my life!
Therefore, I have come to reclaim
what was rightfully mine.
Endowed by the power vested in me
by these three and a half
very dangerous men,
I now pronounce this circus mine!
-Hey!
-What? How dare you?
And that includes
the secret of the animals.
Where did he hide it?
Take it to the grave, dear brother,
was that your plan?
-I think not.
-What?
Tom!
Samson, Stabby, El Diablo, Zucchini...
...dispose of this riffraff.
The Zucchini scours the room
looking for an adversary
worthy of his deadly skills.
When he suddenly realizes he's a lover,
not a fighter!
Tally...
...ho!
Getting a bit hot in here, no?
I really don't see the point.
Zucchini is now very afraid.
The Zucchini makes a note
to choose his adversaries
more...
...carefully next time.
-Owen.
-Yeah?
-I think maybe we should...
-Get out of here?
-Yeah. Let's go.
-Good call!
No, you don't.
Bulletman!
Even memorials are more exciting
with your family!
They certainly do know
how to make an impression.
I'll give you that.
- Hey! Whoa.
- Puppy! Kitty!
Hey, Old Blue, what do you have here?
What's he got?
Well, thanks, boy.
Bulletman!
See you later.
A mysterious package.
The Zucchini is intrigued.
Go after them, you fool!
The contents of that package may lead us
to my late brother's secret
of the animals.
The Zucchini's henchman
has a surprisingly good point.
Henchman? I'm not your henchman,
you bumbling buffoon!
I hired you!
Says the henchman. Hey!
Just go do your job,
or you're fired, you diminutive dolt!
With his ever-faithful henchman's
words of encouragement,
our fearless hero ventures alone,
turning to his prey.
The hunt begins.
For science.
Lasagna!
It really tastes like lasagna!
No spots. No hiccups.
Whoo-hoo! It really works!
Mr. Woodley is...
Still trying to get
that disgusting goopity-goop
out of his underwear.
Wasn't my fault, Brock.
Someone must have tampered with...
I just got an image of Mr. Woodley
in his underwear.
You're welcome.
Just you wait, you lummox!
This is going to revolutionize
the entire industry.
It's... it's gonna be ground-breaking.
Why, I bet Mr. Woodley's profits
will increase a thousand-fold!
Ha! A thousand-fold!
You can't even fold a dog biscuit once.
I've tried.
It's impossible.
I'm gonna change my destiny.
Yeah, I'm gonna make a new batch
and show Mr. Woodley once and for all.
-If I could just build up the courage to...
-Ha! Never gonna happen!
You choke. You always do.
Hmph! Well, I guess we'll see about that.
Yes, I guess we'll see about that.
-That's what I just said.
-That's what I just said!
Okay. I'll see you later, Brock.
"I'll see you later, Brock!"
Ooh. He makes me so mad!
He's just a big, smelly...
Wait for it.
Wait.
I love this job.
So, what's in the box?
Well, that's kind of weird.
-What's that?
-Old animal crackers?
Cookies?
No, no, no.
These aren't the ones you like, baby girl.
These are really old.
So?
So, old gross cookies
will turn you into a monster.
-That's a fact. Ask your mom.
-It's a fact.
It's a fact. It'll turn you into...
A cookie monster!
No, they won't.
Whoa.
-Honey, look at this.
-That is so adorable.
I drew this
the summer we met as kids at the circus.
I remember you drawing that.
I remember you showing me.
Yeah, I remember being
a better artist, but...
Okay, look, that is you, I think.
-I have crazy hair.
-I'm pretty sure that's me.
That's is a very complimentary version
of Chesterfield.
- Looking lean.
- Here's Bulletman, as always.
And, Uncle Bob and Aunt Talia.
- They were all there.
- I know.
Monkey's hungry.
These aren't the cookies you like, angel.
These are, very gross.
-They're probably gross, right?
-They're gross.
But I'm hungry.
Well, she's hungry,
so we should do something.
-I don't know if I have any snacks.
-Look in the middle part.
-Anything?
-I am pulling it.
-Look below the sunglasses.
-I don't have snacks.
Look! There! Fruit stand.
-Fruit stand.
-Fruit stand!
Who loves...
Bananas!
Ooh, that's weird.
I thought I turned that off.
No, you didn't. Owen, no.
-Ooh... that's Binkley.
-It doesn't matter.
But it kind of could matter.
It could matter.
- Take it.
- Thank you so much.
Only because you said so, though.
-All right. Come on, my little monkey.
-Binkley, how's it going?
I'm blue.
Cheer up. It'll all work out.
No, my skin is the color blue!
-I look like Smurfette!
-What?
It's gotta be Brock.
That bobble-headed booby is sabotaging us.
I think you're right, Owen,
but Mr. Woodley loves him!
What am I gonna do?
You're the mechanical genius, Binkley.
I don't know, set a trap or something.
Yeah, catch him in the act.
But he keeps finding ways to get in here,
no matter what I do!
He's like...
He's like a ninja.
He's like a ninja!
Like a big, smelly,
muscle-bound, smelly ninja!
Are we talking about the same Brock?
Come on. He's all muscle and no brain.
And he's a moron.
An imbecile.
He's a dodo, actually.
Well, he's more of a...
a nincom...
- ...poop?
- What?
Owen? He's a what?
- Owen? Are you...
I'm a hamster!
Holy moly! Holy moly! Holy moly!
Thank you kindly, ma'am!
Holy moly! Holy moly! Holy moly!
Holy moly! Holy moly!
Holy moly! Holy moly!
Holy moly! Holy moly!
Mackenzie Marie, stop playing
with the trunk. You're gonna break it.
Okay, here's your monkey food.
Where's your father? We need to get going.
Holy moly! Holy moly! Holy...
moly.
- A mouse!
- No, no, no! Zoe, hold on!
Don't worry, Mackenzie!
Mommy's gonna k*ll the mouse!
- It's me! Zoe! And I'm not! A mouse!
- Why won't you die?
Zoe!
For the love of Tom and Jerry,
please stop pummeling me with your purse.
Did that mouse just...
-Aw. Daddy is cute.
-Thank you, angel.
-Owen?
-Yes.
Zoe, that's what
I've been trying to tell you.
-But you just spoke.
-Your finger is huge.
-What? What did you... How did you...
-I don't know.
I was just eating one...
-The animal crackers your uncle left you?
-Yes.
I was eating the one shaped like a...
Hamster.
- Wow! Wow!
- No! No!
- Wow!
- No!
I don't even know what hamsters eat.
Wait.
Look at this.
"Owen, no matter what,
do not eat these cookies."
Thanks a lot, note!
I could've used that 30 seconds ago!
Wait, wait, wait.
"Until you see Chesterfield at the circus.
He'll explain everything."
-Wait. What?
-"Love, Uncle Bob."
Hang on!
We're going to the circus!
The Zucchini has discovered the secret
to the anima...
Yay! Circus!
Gosh.
They really need to fix these potholes.
Suffering severe internal injuries,
the Zucchini continues his pursuit!
Come on!
Why is it when you're in a hurry,
you get stuck behind a pizza truck?
-Yeah, totally.
-What?
-Are you being serious?
-Yeah, I'm being serious.
-Is that a thing?
-It's a thing.
-I don't think...
-It's a thing!
-You've been stuck behind a pizza truck?
-You need to go!
-Whoa.
-It's 100 percent a thing.
- Well, if that's what you think.
- That is what I think.
Okay, we'll agree to disagree!
Zoe!
- Hello?
- Cookies!
What? Who is this?
The secret
to your brother Bob's animals is...
Is what, you nonsensical nitwit?
Animal crackers!
What? That makes no sense,
you incompetent ignoramus!
How could animal crackers possibly...
Agh! Some kind of magic!
Magic? Magic?
What kind of a rubbish
are you trying to...
Esmerelda.
Get me those animal crackers, Zucchini!
I must have them at any cost!
I'm in a hurry!
Watch where you drive!
Why is it whenever you're in a hurry,
you get stuck behind a pizza truck?
Hey!
It's go time.
Superman! Siesta!
The Thinker!
Cowabunga!
Defying gravity itself
as he hurls over oncoming cars
and lands safely...
inside a house?
Why is the Zucchini in a house?
And why is he in a dress?
The Zucchini can't even explain that.
Cactus!
Ooh! Ooh! Eeh! Yeow!
Okay, who has a cactus room
in their house?
Hey!
Pull over! Pull over!
Hi.
-Pull over!
-What?
- What's he saying?
- Who?
Hey, wasn't that guy at the memorial?
Yeah, he came in with my Uncle Horatio.
Wait, he's the guy
who saw me turn into a hamster.
Well, he's freaking me out.
What should we do, call the police?
Yes. No! Wait, I have a better idea.
-No.
-It's a good one.
Please don't.
- Promise you'll love it. This is hilarious.
- Please, can we discuss this?
- Your ideas end in tears.
- There it is!
No one can outrun the Zucchini!
Okay, now, speed up
and open up the back gate trunk.
-Trunk gate.
-The trunk or the gate?
The tailgate trunk.
-I don't know what that is!
-The big door!
-The button to the left of the cup holder.
-That's the emergency brake.
One, two, three, hit it!
Mamma mia!
Pappa pia!
Zucchini's gonna diarr...
Blech.
Did you see that?
Did I see that?
Have you seen yourself?
- Yeah, it's pretty cool, right?
- No, it's not! No.
Better than a hamster.
I'm enormous.
Teddy bear!
Blacking out.
- There's the circus!
- She's so strong.
Baby, Daddy can't breathe.
Baby, daddy can't breathe.
Baby, I'm serious, daddy can't breathe!
Looks like someone started snacking early.
How would you like
to be human again, Fozzie?
Bulletman!
What are you looking for?
You'll see.
It's gotta be in here somewhere.
Always hard to find. Like love,
Waldo, a good Chinese restaurant.
A-ha!
Wait a minute. Is that me?
- That is you.
- In jeans.
Tight jeans.
It is you. Yes, sir.
Every time you eat an animal cookie,
a human cookie appears in the box.
To change back, you just eat it.
Pretty good?
You want me to eat me?
Look at me. I'm Owen.
My pants are high.
My IQ is low!
-Hey...
-Is for horses.
Which you could turn into
if you eat this one!
Okay, so how do these things work?
Gypsy curse, stale flour,
radioactive sugar mites.
Who knows? Who cares?
It's magic.
That's why the box always stays full.
Okay, so I just pick little cookie me up.
And, um...
Down the hatch.
I'm me!
For better or worse.
Mostly worse.
In your case...
definitely worse.
Okay, that's a little hurtful.
It's not that kind of moment?
Awkward!
You keep a close eye on these, Owen.
Your Uncle Horatio will stop at nothing
to get his greedy hands on 'em.
Ladies and gentlemen,
gather around and be amazed
at the fire-breathing feats of El Diablo.
Watch it!
Truly, we've reached
a low point in our careers.
The Zucchini has returned!
Excellent. Step into my office.
What's that horrible stench?
So, where are they?
Did you get me those animal crackers
or not?
-Yes!
-Wonderful!
I did not!
I'm so close, Mario.
So close to what could have been mine.
What should have been mine.
A gift, an incredible gift,
given to a simple-minded sap, my brother!
What a waste.
Think of the things I could've done
with such a gift.
How my life would've been.
How very different things
would've turned out.
Will you sh...
No harmonization. Thank you!
Now fly, you fool.
Don't come back until you have
those animal crackers.
And clothes that don't smell of manure.
The Zucchini agrees
to accept his henchman's challenge.
For the last time,
you pint-sized peon,
you are my henchman!
Said the henchman to the Zucchini!
Just get me those cookies.
Samson, get us out of here posthaste.
Whoa!
And find me a place
with actual paying customers.
Samson!
Hey, buddy.
I wish Uncle Bob and Aunt Talia were here.
- I know.
- They are.
In a sense, kids.
In a sense.
Quick question.
You guys know
how much clowns love surprising people?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Wait, do clowns love surprising people?
All right. Well...
Surprise!
You are now the proud owners of one
run-down, burnt up, worn-out circus!
-Wait.
-Owen, this is amazing!
-Amazing?
-Yeah.
Look at this place.
What are you talking about?
What are you talking about?
You know what? You should do it.
You run the circus.
Me? I should run a circus?
I'm a clown!
I can sh**t a mosquito
off a camel's butt at 40 paces.
I've taught a whole generation
of children...
to "pull my finger."
But I'm no good at running a circus.
And what makes you think I am?
Do you know what I do for a living?
-He eats dog biscuits.
-I eat dog biscuits. Okay, I'll tell them.
-I eat dog biscuits.
-And he hates it.
-They're dog biscuits.
-Talks about it every day.
I have a right to talk about it every day.
Wait a minute. You're special, kid.
Your uncle saw that.
We all did.
What happened to that wide-eyed kid
who used to love the circus?
I don't know. I...
He grew up.
Owen, this is what you've always wanted.
You're always trying to impress my father,
and it's never gonna happen.
This... This is your heaven.
I mean, this is your future.
This is our future.
Our future? Wait. Hold...
This isn't a future.
The circus was
my Uncle Bob and Aunt Talia.
They're gone!
The magic is gone! I...
Wow.
I'm sorry, guys.
Everything that was special
about this circus...
is gone.
Aw.
You know what?
-I'm going to do it.
-What?
I will quit my father's company
and rebuild the circus
as Bob and Talia always wanted.
-Hold on. What are...
-No, I don't want to hear it.
-Zoe.
-I'm doing it.
Doing it. Nope.
Owen, I already got the nose on.
-No. You're not owing a circus.
-Nope, I can't hear you. La, la, la.
You're about to inherit
your dad's company.
-That's a big deal.
-I don't care.
I've always loved this circus,
and I know you do, too!
But, Zoe, you're...
Just need a little time to come around.
I get it.
Besides, should be fun.
Yay!
Still can't believe
she would throw her life away
when she could be with...
Brock?
Mr. Woodley! I...
Why, I was just...
Seeing if the chair fit?
Fine Corinthian leather
that cradles your butt.
So supple.
So...
What's the word?
Disturbing?
Brock!
With Zoe gone to that circus,
I may as well consider
having you take over the company.
Joy.
Okay, what if we try up-up-down-down-
left-right-left-right-B-A-start?
I don't know, Binkley.
I tried that earlier, and...
Hey, pencil neck!
Woodley needs these accounting ledgers
finished by noon.
What?
What do I know about accounting?
Absolutely nothing!
Which is why it's funny
that he asked you to do it, right?
-No.
-Isn't that right?
It's not funny.
Does it bother you when I'm this close?
-Your breath is not great.
-Yeah.
Um, this is too close.
Well, have fun screwing up the accounting
and ruining the company.
'Cause you're totally gonna fail.
Here's your morning coffee,
Mr. Woodley, just how you like it.
Why thank you, Brock!
By the dawn's early light, Huntington!
Haven't you finished the accounting yet?
What? I... I just...
I'm still working on it, sir.
It's very... very complicated.
Complicated?
It's just math!
All you need is a slide rule,
some moon coordinates,
a ham sandwich, done!
Do you know how anything works?
I know Zoe could do this in her sleep,
but she's at the circus,
and I'm stuck with you, you nincompoop!
I did it! I... I finally fixed it!
Again with this nonsense?
Just try it, Mr. Woodley.
Please?
Not even if I were poisoned
and that was the antidote.
You try it, Huntington.
Me? But you just told me
to finish the paper...
Owen, please?
Okay.
Wait a minute.
Wow!
This is actually great.
This tastes like spaghetti and meatballs.
Really?
Yeah, it's amazing!
-I knew it!
-No, like, I mean, amaz...
No!
- What's happening to his face?
- I thought I fixed it!
Nincompoops!
I'm surrounded by nincompoops!
Hey.
Why so late?
Mack's already asleep.
Yeah. Sorry. I, I got "Brocked."
-Oof.
-Don't ask.
-What is that?
-What?
-The smell?
-Is that...
-I don't know.
-Is that cotton candy?
- Could be. I mean, I don't know.
- No.
-I mean, I was at the circus all day.
-No. No, no.
-You're trying to lure me back.
-No, no.
With smells?
-Why would you think that?
-With cotton candy smells?
-Why would you be smelling cotton candy?
-Because you're devious and evil.
Honey, Mackenzie really misses you.
She wants you to come
to the grand re-opening.
We worked so hard.
It'd mean the world to her.
-You gotta come.
-I know, I know, I just...
-Daddy?
-Hey, angel.
What are you doing up?
-I'm scared.
-Of what?
Monsters.
Let's go see about these monsters.
Okay, where are these monsters?
Well, don't worry.
I'll protect you.
I don't want "Daddy" Daddy.
A-ha.
Owen?
Owen?
Good morning, Daddy Bear.
Good morning, Baby Bear.
Do you know what today is?
Circus day. Are you coming?
Wouldn't miss it for the world.
I love the circus.
Circus, circus, circus circus!
-Owen?
-Daddy, circus!
Whoa. Zoe.
-You did this?
-Well, I... I had a little help.
From me!
Yes, from you, baby.
This is so terrible.
-When's this gonna end?
-Can't be soon enough.
I thought there were going to be animals.
Where are the animals, Mom?
- This is so totally boring.
- I know, right?
-Agh, I mean, like, look at that. Dumb.
-Ew. I know.
I hate this.
Perfect, they hate it.
I wouldn't say "hate."
They hate it!
This is bad. This is bad.
They didn't come here to see acrobats.
They didn't come here to see clowns.
What they want is what they got before,
Buffalo Bob's Amazing Animals!
Ooh.That's my cue.
Enjoy the show, folks.
Okay, ladies and gentlemen!
Behold the death-defying feats
of Bulletman and his Cannon of Doom!
Tough crowd.
Bulletman.
And his Cannon of Doom!
Doom!
Doom! Doom! Doom! Doom! Doom...
Bulletman!
Boy!
You stop that! Don't laugh at Bulletman!
Come on! We want some animals!
Let's go here!
Where are Bob's Amazing Animals?
Animals! Animals! Animals!
This is a disaster!
I have to do something.
Like what?
Daddy, Daddy, Daddy. Animals.
No, no, angel, I'm not a performer.
-So I can't just...
-Animals, Daddy. Animals!
Animals! Animals! Animals!
Quickly! Quickly!
Next act. Where are my acrobats?
Where are my acrobats?
Terrified of failure.
Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on!
Chesterfield.
-Owen.
-Hey.
What are you doing backstage?
Well, I just thought I could lend a hand.
Or a hoof?
Come on. Come on, you big baby.
-Quick question.
-Move it.
- Are you sure this is safe?
- Absolutely!
It looks a little...
-Your Uncle Bob did this ten times a week.
-What is that?
Okay, I'm supposed to land in that?
Yeah.
That looks like a fishbowl!
Take it easy, horsey!
Excuse me. I'm not doing this.
I'm gonna be k*lled.
-Says who?
-Says physics!
A 1,000-pound horse
landing in a very small bowl
at 150 miles per hour equals... splat!
Fine. Here, you big baby.
-What is that?
-I don't know. A trout?
- No, a salmon.
- Great.
Or a goldfish.
Either way, something that's delicious
broiled in butter.
What am I supposed to do...
Yeah.
Mommy? Is Horsey-Daddy gonna be okay?
I mean, yeah.
He is gonna be, fine.
I think it's just part of the act.
Ladies and gentlemen!
You asked for it, you got it.
I'm pleased to announce the return
of Buffalo Bob's Amazing Animals!
-And now, Buttercup will leap...
-Buttercup?
That's the horse's name.
You couldn't come up with anything cooler?
-Like what? Majestic?
-Um... No.
-Seabiscuit? Horse-nado?
-Okay. Please stop.
-Darth Neigh-der?
-Stop.
Buttercup, fine.
As I was saying,
Buttercup will leap 100 feet
into a fishbowl.
Um...
You know what?
I don't feel great about this...
Giddy-up!
Left, left, left! I mean, right.
Sorry. Right. Right!
My right!
- Who is this?
- The Zucchini has done it again!
-What?
-Come at once!
-Bumbling buffoon!
-Henchman.
I am not your hench...
All right, folks,
that brings us
to the end of tonight's show.
Join us again next week.
Please,
no one scream at all, or you'll die!
The mighty Bengal tiger
is one of the most fearsome predators
to walk the face of the Earth.
His razor-sharp fangs
will rip flesh and grind bone.
Be perfectly still, ladies and gentlemen.
I think this ferocious feline has found...
prey!
Psst. Hey, angel.
Hi, Daddy.
You ready to have some fun?
What's this?
The little girl's not afraid!
She's... She's taming the savage beast!
Giddy-up, tiger! Giddy-up!
Ladies and gentlemen,
little Mackenzie Huntington
is the queen of the circus.
Faster, Daddy!
Faster! Whee!
That was fun.
You were fantastic, kid.
And, Zoe, none of this
could've happened without you.
Honey, you were right.
- What's that?
- I said you were right, and...
No, I'm just not sure if I heard you.
-I said you were right.
-So let me just hear it one more time.
You were... Okay.
Good one.
Can we do it again, Daddy?
Yes.
Yes, we can.
So what are we saying here?
I'm saying...
I'm gonna quit my job at Woodley's
first thing tomorrow
because this is my home.
This is my family.
The Huntingtons
are back in the circus business!
Yes! Whoo-hoo!
You heard the man. We're back!
Acrobats, more sparkles on your leotards.
Clowns, I wanna see
your size 42 shoes so shiny
I could see my bulbous nose in it.
-And Bulletman...
-Bulletman.
Stay away from sharp objects.
Bulletman.
Tomorrow, Zucchini, take the cookies
from him after he quits his job.
All alone, unsuspecting,
vulnerable.
Quit? You can't quit!
Who'll taste the dog biscuits?
I recommend Brock.
You've destroyed everything.
You took my daughter away from me!
She's out there somewhere,
dressed up as a clown or a horse
or whatever it is you circus people do!
We entertain, Mr. Woodley.
We make people happy.
Look, Zoe's just ten minutes away.
You can visit her any time.
Me?
Go to the circus?
Well, I know she and Mack
would love to see you.
Think of your family!
I am, Mr. Woodley.
All of them.
Yes!
That was so scary.
But so good.
So good.
Running away to join the circus?
-Um...
-I knew you'd quit.
-You've got quitter all over you.
-All right.
Like some kind of quitter cooties
or something.
That's me, Owen the quitter.
It's disgusting.
Excuse me. Have a nice life.
-Cookies!
-Hey! Wait! No! Give those back!
-Don't mind if I do.
-Wait! No! Wait, Brock. Hey, trust me.
-Hey, look, a monkey.
-No!
Stop your whining, Huntington.
-Brock.
-I'm just monkeying around.
You're gonna wanna listen.
Wait, no, Brock!
Boy.
I'm a monkey!
Technically, you have a blue butt,
so you're a mandrill,
which is like a baboon, but not.
-I have a blue butt!
-Wait, no! Brock!
I have a blue butt!
-A baboon.
-Mr. Woodley!
A talking baboon!
A lion!
Give me back my cookies!
A talking lion!
There.
No more excuses, Binkley.
This time, the dog biscuits
are going to be perfect.
-A baboon!
-What did you do to me, Huntington?
A talking baboon!
-A lion!
-Nothing you didn't deserve, Brock.
A talking lion!
It's got me! It's got...
No, just...
Bad monkey.
- Get out of there.
- You think I want...!
Get out of there, you coward.
Come on. I just calibrated it!
Hot! Hot! Hot!
Very hot!
Give me my cookies back!
Owen?
Yeah, sorry about the mess, Binkley.
-But...
-Brock stole one of my animal crackers
-and turned himself into a baboon.
-But he'll... He...
-What?
-I'll explain everything later.
Cookies that turn you into animals.
I don't wanna have a blue butt!
I can turn you back
if you give me the box!
You'll get a big box of nothing!
Like a shadow in the night,
the Zucchini approaches his prey
with all the predatory instincts
and stealth of...
A baboon!
If you'll excuse me,
it's sleepy time for Brocky-poo.
Well, that was surprisingly easy.
Another victory
for the magnificent Zucchini!
So dashing, so daring, so mascu...
Lion!
Why, you...
The Zucchini has returned triumphant!
Is this my nephew?
Yes!
-Excellent.
-He is not your nephew.
If he's not my nephew, why bring him here,
you fumbling feather brain?
Voila!
But these are useless,
you second-rate simpleton!
They're broken!
Wait.
What's in his other hand?
Interesting.
The nerve of him.
After all I've done for that boy.
I should never have let my little Zoe
marry that circus freak.
Now someone like Brock...
Now that's a fine go-getter.
Say, where is Brock?
Brock!
Winkley! Brinikley? Barkley? Wrigley?
- ... you, what are you doing here?
- I was...
-Have you seen Brock?
-No, sir.
-He should be here somewhere.
-But I was hoping that...
Brock! Where is that man? Brock!
Mr. Woodley!
I have something important
that I need to tell you,
and I... I...
I demand that you listen to me!
Demand?
Yes, demand!
Now sit your butt in that chair
and listen up!
Sleep well, honey.
Shh! Sorry. Hi.
My goodness. What is wrong with you?
-You almost gave me a heart attack!
-That had to be scary. Sorry.
Okay, but change back
and tell me what happened with my father.
-Um...
-You quit?
Yeah. I totally did. It was great.
I'm so proud of you!
-Thank you.
-We're going to be so happy.
-But...
-Yeah?
I...
I lost the human cookie.
You... You what?
It has to be in here somewhere!
I looked like 100 times. It's not...
-Trust me. What? No! They...
-Try this one.
Maybe there's just
too many cookies to see it!
Maybe eat some more
to clear up some space.
-Try this one.
-The box always stays full.
Maybe not, if you eat faster.
You've got to eat faster!
Please eat faster! Please eat faster!
Zoe! Zoe! Stop! It's not here!
Look, the box keeps adding new animals,
but not new human cookies.
There's only one of those,
and it's gone, Zoe.
-It's...
-No!
No, I will not accept that.
There's got to be a way
to get you human again.
-Zoe...
-In the meantime,
we're just gonna tough it out,
gonna make it work.
I mean, how hard can it be?
I... I hold it true.
I hold it to be true.
What's wrong, kid?
What's the matter?
What happened to you?
You eat a bad banana?
No, I'm just...
Look, kid, look.
I know it's been hard
these last couple weeks.
Not being human and all,
spending your life
without opposable thumbs.
You're shedding everywhere.
-Shunned by the entire...
-You're not helping.
You didn't let me finish.
You're shedding everywhere,
shunned by the entire world.
-Okay.
-But look at the bright side!
You and Zoe
brought life back to this circus.
You've not only brought
our circus family together,
but you've brought
tons of other families together
to laugh and cheer
and eat overpriced cotton candy.
Come on.
That's gotta count for something, right?
Chin up, kid.
You're making people happy.
That's no small thing.
Clowns are notoriously horrible liars.
Horatio.
-What are you...
-I've just come to talk, my boy.
- Ladies and...
- Make it quick.
Just a moment of your time.
...the return of Buffalo Bob's...
Yes, the grand re-opening
of Buffalo Bob's
Rootin' Tootin' Animal Circus.
Odd that you kept my brother's name.
Because it was his circus.
What do you want, Horatio?
I have a proposal for you.
What could you have
that I would possibly...
I'm offering you a chance
to become human again.
Wait.
That's... Is that...
Yes.
My cookie! Give it...
Wouldn't want me to crush it to bits,
would you?
No, no, no! Please!
Just tell me what you want for it?
Why, my boy,
I simply want what was rightfully mine.
The fame, the fortune...
the circus.
-What?
-Once I have those animal crackers...
You want the crackers, too?
The circus is no good without them, is it?
I... I can't!
I'll only make this offer once.
If you refuse...
Well, that's how the cookie crumbles.
-Human again.
-Think of your family, Owen.
-My family?
-Yes, your family.
What would they want you to do?
My family.
Do you think they want
a filthy beast for a husband?
A father?
My family.
Yes, yes, your family.
Now, do we have a deal?
-No.
-Excellent! Wait. What?
-No deal.
-Are you mad?
Do you wish to remain a wretched animal
for the rest of your life?
You know what?
If being a wretched animal
lets me keep my family together,
then, yeah, sign me up.
Because I'll be a gorilla
or a horse or a rhinoceros
or whatever filthy beast I have to be
to keep my family together.
I was afraid you would have
too much of my brother in you.
Well.
It seems we'll have to do this
the hard way.
What?
What did you do?
Apparently, one does not need to eat
the entire animal cr*cker
to assume the attributes of said animal.
No!
Hey, give me that!
- Now then...
- No!
...let's conclude our business, shall we?
-Get off me.
-After all, a deal is a deal.
And I would rather not deal
with an 800-pound gorilla.
Yes, I would rather deal
with pathetic little you.
Hey, what's all the barking about?
Horatio?
Owen!
You're you again!
Now, attention acrobats,
jugglers, stage hands, clowns.
They make me sick.
I would like to announce
the immediate takeover of this circus.
As of this moment, you are all fired.
b*llet...
...man!
Nice work, Bulletman.
Everybody grab a cookie!
No! Stop them!
Is that the best you got?
Hey, Stabby, my turn!
Excuse us. Sorry.
Why did you drag me here?
You know how I feel about the...
Did you see that?
That bunny rabbit turtle thing
just got drop-kicked
by a duck-billed platypus!
It's just a classic.
Ooh.
-Horatio, got the box!
-Ya!
-Whoa!
-Hey.
Got it.
Ha-ha!
Poop.
Thank you very much, clown!
Tally-ho!
Got it!
And I've got you!
Sorry, Horatio, but I can't...
stick around.
Yeow!
Fools!
Look at you!
A hippopotamus.
Giraffes.
Monkeys.
Bah!
You lack the vision
to truly create something
the world has never seen.
You use them to entertain,
but I...
I will use them to rule the world!
Behold!
I am Horatio the Chimera.
I am a god!
Horatio! Brother, stop this!
What did you say?
Please, Horatio.
Uncle Bob?
- Robert?
- You must stop this madness!
Talia?
But I thought you were both k*lled.
Not k*lled,
but we can never be human again.
You see, that fire you started
destroyed our human cookies.
I didn't mean to.
I know.
And...
what's in the past is in the past.
But look around you, brother.
Is this really how you want to be seen?
How you want to live your life? Like this?
A monster?
Better this than a broken-down old man,
Robert.
Or a dog.
Don't you think?
What I think, Horatio, is...
...you're better than this.
Then you're a fool!
No!
Bulletman, get in your cannon!
Bulletman.
Okay.
Don't eat this until after I fire you.
Bulletman!
Ready?
Bulletman!
Bulletman!
Bulletman, now!
Poop.
Yeow!
Kitty!
- Mackenzie! No!
- No!
No!
Gotcha!
Hi, Auntie Kitty.
Hello, my little monkey Mackenzie darling.
This ends now.
Do you not see the utter futility
of your endeavors, boy?
Can you not smell the destruction
of all you know and love?
You are lost.
There is no hope!
Owen!
Mackenzie!
Mackenzie!
No!
Mackenzie, jump!
Zoe, look.
Zoe?
It has to be somewhere. Come on.
Zoe?
I got it.
Zoe?
Don't mess with my family!
Chesterfield!
Now!
No. No!
Blast you all!
I'm Horatio P. Huntington!
I will not be silenced!
I will have my revenge!
Victory shall be mine!
What are you doing?
Unhand me this instant,
you over-muscled oaf!
I hold it true, what e'er befall.
I feel it when I sorrow most.
'Tis better to have loved and lost
than never to have loved...
at all.
-Bulletman!
-Bulletman!
Bulletman!
Bulletman!
How will we ever top this performance?
I have no idea.
What about the Zucchini?
What about you?
Change me back!
Let me explain.
You ate the broken pieces, you doofuses!
That means
you have broken pieces in the box.
Don't you get it?
It's gonna take time
to figure out who's who.
You want his arm and his leg on your body?
Tiny little body.
Point taken.
-It's cool.
-We're good.
Take your time. The Zucchini can wait.
How dare you?
Do you not know what I am?
Who I am?
Let me out of here!
Please?
I've missed those lips.
-We did it, Zoe.
-We did.
Aw. Just wish my dad could've...
Could've what, sweetie?
-Dad?
-I saw what you two did out there.
The heroics!
The chemistry!
That whole changing into animals thing!
I mean, just fantastic!
Owen, I'm so sorry
for the way I've treated you.
You're no nincompoop, quite the opposite.
And, Zoe, you are an amazing woman.
But, of course, I've always known that.
Aw.
I love you, Dad.
-Grandpa!
-Ha-ha! Hey, there, little monkey!
You were terrific!
Guess what, Grandpa. I'm in the circus!
In it? You're gonna be the star!
Let's go get you cleaned up.
So, it turns out Binkley
is precisely the genius you said she was.
Gee.
She's concocted something quite amazing.
Binkley really was a genius.
Wait till you see what she came up with.
So, how'd it go?
We're about to find out.
- They just went on sale minutes ago.
- What went on sale?
Remember those dog biscuits
that turned our skin crazy colors?
-Vividly.
-How could I forget?
-I think I threw up on your shoes.
-Oof.
Binkley found a way
to turn those failed experiments
into a new business venture!
So what do they do?
See for yourself.
They just love it!
Look at them. They're having a blast!
But, I mean, how will they change back?
-There we go. Yup.
-Wow.
We thought it best
not to advertise that part.
That was a big one.
But that's fun.
Wow, you still find it funny, I see.
Still like it.
Ha-ha! We're going to be rich, partner.
Partner?
I've never been one of those.
I mean, like in a game maybe,
but not like in a business.
Whee!
Bravo!
Wonderful, Mackenzie.
You are natural.
Daddy! Daddy!
Did you see me ride the pony?
Did I? You're fantastic!
Auntie Talia taught me!
She will be the star in no time.
Just like you, sweetie.
Whoa.
Look at you, my gypsy princess.
Queen.
Queen?
Do you want me to tell you your fortune?
I think I already know it.
Yeah? What is it?
I live happily ever after.
Owen.
It's showtime!
Places! Let's take our places!
Owen, sweetie, you're up next.
Ladies and gentlemen!
Welcome to Buffalo Bob's
Rootin' Tootin' Animal Circus!
Prepare for...
Well, that's new.
And a little dangerous.
What's life without a little danger?
Ooh. Who is that guy?
I like that guy.
Prepare yourselves
for something truly amazing!
All right.
Wish me luck.
Good luck.
Prepare yourself
for something truly incredible!
Hey, and, you know,
don't burn the place down.
Prepare yourself
for something truly magical!
Animal Crackers (2017)
Moderator: Maskath3