04x12 - Opie and His Merry Men

[bunniefuu]

( whistling sprightly tune )

Starring Andy Griffith...

with Ronny Howard.

Also starring Don Knotts.

How's the venison, Friar Tuck?

Pretty near roasted.

Good.

Hey, let's quaff our nut brown ale

while we're waiting, what do you say?

Oh, sure! BOY: Sure, good!

Hey, you guys.

Don't quaff it all.

Leave some for us.

BOY: Yeah!

Drink hearty, Robin Hood.

Thee, too, Little John.

Drink hearty. Drink hearty.

Okay, now let's run through the forest.

Come on, all you merry guys!

Hey! Wait for me!

Come on.

Don't sh**t, men. Don't sh**t!

We wouldn't sh**t you, Mister.

What are you boys supposed to be?

We're playing Robin Hood.

I'm Robin Hood.

Oh, you are, huh?

We all saw the movie on television the other night.

But we had to quit right in the middle of it,

'cause it was our bedtime.

So none of us knows how it ends.

Well, uh, I know the story of Robin Hood.

You do? You do?

Really? Gosh!

Sure. Robin Hood and his Merry Men? Sure.

Would you tell us about him?

I'd be glad to.

Well, now, let's see, Robin Hood and his Merry Men.

Robin Hood was...

Say, fellas, I wish I could invite you

to have some lunch with me,

but all I got here is some Mulligan stew

and not too much of that.

We brought our own lunch.

BOY: Yeah. We're cooking it back in the woods.

Really?

What you got?

Well, it's just weenies.

BOY: And root beer.

Weenies and root beer?

Is that so?

Say, I got an idea.

Why don't you boys run on back, bring your stuff over here

and we'll have ourselves a barbecue... Robin Hood style?

What do you say?

Yeah! Yeah. Let's go.

I hope I'm not depriving you boys.

Nah. It's okay. It's okay.

We can always get plenty more hot dogs at home.

Mm, good, good.

Tell us more about Robin Hood.

Well, the great thing about Robin Hood

was that he was always doing good deeds.

That's what made him famous.

Yep. He took from the rich, and he gave to the poor.

Any of your folks rich, hmm, boys?

I don't know. Me, either.

HOBO: Well, if you was poor, you'd know it.

Wouldn't even know where your next meal was coming from.

Well, you take me.

I'm poor, but I ain't complainin'.

On account I got a bad leg, couldn't get any work.

What happened to your leg?

Well, I don't like to talk about it much,

but as long as you asked me...

I was working on a CV and Q.

That's a railroad.

A fireman on a locomotive.

And one day I saw a little baby crawling along the track.

A baby! So what did I do?

I jumped out of that cab

and I ran down the track, ahead of the train

and I grabbed up that baby, and I flung it.

No foolin'? Wow! Gosh!

Yep. I flung that baby

right into a pile of nice, soft leaves,

but me... well, I didn't make out so good.

What happened?

That's what happened...

A multiple fracture of the patella oblongata.

BOY: W-What's that?

A game leg.

Course, I saved a human life, but...

shucks, I don't want any credit for that.

The baby was all right?

All right? That baby today is president of a supermarket.

You think he ever took the trouble to thank me?

No, sir.

Rich folks have short memories.

That's why I'm with Robin Hood.

'Cause he takes from the rich

and he gives to the deservin' poor.

That's how they got in trouble

with the Sheriff.

How is that now?

The Sheriff of Nottingham.

He was the bad guy... Don't you remember?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's right.

Well, that's Sheriffs for you.

And I had my share of troubles with them.

What kind of trouble?

They're always after us poor folks,

after us to keep on the move.

They're just after us all the time, never let us be...

After us, after us.

His pa's the Sheriff.

He ain't.

He is, too... Sheriff of Mayberry.

Well, he ain't a bad guy.

Look, son, now...

there are sheriffs and there are sheriffs.

The thing is about sheriffs,

well, they take their job too serious.

I'll bet your pa does, too.

Well, he ain't a bad guy.

HOBO: Of course he ain't.

And you ain't gonna fix it so he's gonna act like one,

now are ya?

That's good.

Maybe you shouldn't tell him anything about me at all

or about my little place here,

'cause he might not understand like you do, okay?

( chuckles )

You know something?

This is the first square meal I've had

since I don't know when.

And to think that I've got Robin Hood and his Merry Men

to thank for it.

What are we doing here?

We forgot something.

What?

I ain't said grace.

Bow your heads, everyone.

For what we are about to receive,

may we be truly thankful, and make us mindful

of the needs of others.

Paw? Mm-hmm?

Are we rich?

Rich? You don't get rich being a sheriff.

You get investigated if you do.

That's right.

( Andy and Barney chuckling )

Well, are we poor?

No, we're not poor.

I'd say we're better off than a lot of people.

Got a roof over our heads, Aunt Bee,

finest food you ever put in your mouth,

Barney for a friend.

( chuckles )

Yeah, in-in some ways, I'd say we are rich.

BARNEY: You see, Ope,

it ain't only the materialistic things in this world

that makes a person rich.

There's love and friendship... That can make a person rich.

Very nicely put, Barney.

I don't believe I ever heard that said any better.

Yes, sir, Ope. It ain't only

the materialistic things in this world that makes a person rich.

Know what else does? Love and friendship.

That's right.

I bet you thought it was only

the materialistic things, huh?

Well, it ain't.

There's love and friendship.

( chuckles )

Paw... why are sheriffs against poor folks?

Where'd you ever get an idea like that?

Well, the Sheriff in Robin Hood...

That Sheriff of Nottingham... He was a bad guy.

He was always chasing Robin Hood 'cause he helped the poor folks.

Well, it's been a long time since I read Robin Hood,

but it just might be there's another side to that story.

You don't want to believe everything you read, Ope.

ANDY: You see, son,

the sheriffs don't make the laws, they just enforce 'em.

Sometimes they have unpleasant duties to perform.

It's part of the job. Oh.

You see, Ope, ours is not to reason why.

Ours is just to... make out citations.

( laughter )

Make out citations.

Mm...

Well, I just took an apple pie

out of the oven.

Who's for apple pie?

I don't care for any.

No pie?!

I'll have to confess, I can't take any, either.

Oh, Andy.

No, ma'am, just one more little bite of meatloaf here,

and that'll kind of fill in the chinks.

Barney, you won't let me down.

Oh, no, thanks.

No. I'm kind of watchin' the ol' carbohydrates

and glucose this week.

Apple pie is just loaded with carbohydrates and glucose.

Well, heaven knows, I shouldn't eat any.

Well, not if you're watchin'

the ol' carbohydrates and glucose, you shouldn't.

Can I go outside and play?

You didn't finish your supper.

I'm full, Paw.

Well, go ahead.

Don't stay too long.

Be gettin' dark soon.

Okay.

Daylight's precious when you're a young'un.

Yeah, it sure is.

How about some more coffee?

Yeah, I'll have a little more java.

( Barney and Andy chuckle )

Barn, did you read Robin Hood when you was a boy?

Sure. I read all them childish classics.

Hmm.

I was an avoracious reader.

Get my hands on a book, I'd read it cover to cover.

( chuckles )

Thank you.

Course, I didn't want to say nothin',

but Opie had it all wrong.

( chuckles )

What do you mean? He's a good reader.

Well, you know how kids will skip through things.

( chuckles )

He had the Sheriff being the bad guy.

He was.

The Sheriff the bad guy?

In Robin Hood.

You're kiddin' me.

I am not.

The Sheriff in Robin Hood was, was fat and stupid,

and he had this stupid deputy.

Now you're puttin' me on.

You're trying to rile me

so you can see that vein on my neck stick out.

You like that, don't you?

No, Barney.

Aunt Bee, what was the Sheriff like in Robin Hood?

Right. Robin Hood was always outsmarting him.

'Cause he was stupid. That's right.

And he had this real stupid deputy.

Well, what kind of a book is that for kids to be readin'?!

A book like that ought to be banned from the school!

How can you say that?

I mean it! A book like that...

gives the sheriff's office a black eye.

How you gonna teach kids respect for the law

if they're gonna read that kind of stuff?

Barney, Robin Hood's one of the most popular kids' stories

there is around. It's harmless.

Oh, yeah? How do you know how many criminals

got started by reading Robin Hood?

How do you know it wasn't read by Jesse James or Dillinger,

or Jack the Ripper?

How do you know that?

I don't know that, but I know this.

What?

That vein in your neck's stickin' out.

Well, if it ain't Robin Hood. ( chuckles )

I thought you'd all forgotten me.

We didn't forget ya.

You had your supper yet?

Supper? Huh! That's for rich folks.

I don't even know where my breakfast is coming from.

Why?

We brought you something.

Fats brought you a whole ham.

What's this? A ham?

A whole ham?

( chuckles )

I brought you turkey...

Only half, 'cause we ate the rest.

Oh, that's all right, son.

And I brought you fruit and vegetables. Fruit?

And I brought you this... Apple pie, fresh-baked.

Oh, apple pie.

Robin Hood would be mighty proud of you boys.

Mighty proud.

This is a fine town, Mayberry.

I see I'm gonna like it here

'cause I got friends here.

And friends is everything.

Ain't you gonna say grace?

Hmm? Oh, yes, yes.

I always say grace.

For what we are about to receive,

may we be truly thankful.

And make us... mindful of the needs of others.

This is delicious.

A-And th-that's all that was taken, huh?

Just the ham?

Uh-huh.

All right. Right.

Good-bye.

What was that?

Miss Porter just called to say that...

Well, hi, Aunt Bee.

Hello, Andy.

Hi, Aunt Bee.

Hello, Barney.

Andy, did you take an apple pie from home this morning?

I've lost my apple pie.

Well, I didn't take it.

This is strange.

Mrs. Pruitt called, said somebody's walked off

with half a turkey.

Mrs. Jason called and said somebody's

raided her fruit- and-vegetable bin.

Huh. Miss Porter just said somebody took a whole ham.

Good heavens. Who do you think it is?

I don't know.

You know what I think it is?

Huh?

I think it's a fox.

A fox? Yeah, a fox...

Come down out of the hills.

You know, we've had this dry spell.

Well, they come down out of the hills for food and water.

That's what it is.

Hungry fox foraging around.

A fox? For goodness sake.

A fox, loose here, in Mayberry?

A fox, huh?

Yeah, fox.

Will you answer me one thing?

What?

How can a fox open a refrigerator door?

Well... well, what do you think it is?

That fox thing was just a theory.

What's your theory?

Well, I don't know for sure, but, uh...

remember how Opie turned down that piece of pie last night?

Yeah. So?

Well, last night that pie

was in the icebox.

Now, this morning after Opie went to school,

I don't remember seeing it.

And another thing... Those ladies that called

to say something was missing?

They all got young'uns that play with Opie.

And you think Opie and his pals...

Well, I don't know for sure,

and I don't want to jump to conclusions,

but it won't hurt to have a little talk with Opie.

He ought to be along after a while.

Oh, you're gonna have a little talk with him?

Yeah, I'm gonna ask him if he knows anything.

You're just going to come right out

and just ask him, just like that?

Well, that's the quickest way to find out, isn't it?

That's the quickest way not to find out.

Andy, you know kids better than that.

If he's hidin' somethin', he'll just clam up.

You got to catch them off their guard.

Barney, are you going to start that again?

But it's true! With you he'll have his guard up,

but say if I was to come in... Oh, come on.

Just kind of casual, like out of left field...

I'm pretty good at interrogatin', you know.

Oh, Barney... And I know just how I'd do it, too.

That won't do any good.

You want to know how? I'd distract him.

Get his mind on something.

Like a game... say, checkers.

And then while he was concentratin' on the game,

I'd just casually ask him some questions

and he'd just casually answer. Hmm.

Well, maybe that's the way you'd do it.

I got to go to the bank.

If Opie comes by tell him to wait for me.

That's the way you do it.

You just distract them and then you interrogate...

Just tell him to wait for me, okay? Well, uh...

Oh, hi, Ope.

Hi, Barney.

Paw here?

Uh, no. He had to step out for somethin'.

Oh.

Well, I see you're all through

with the old school for the day, huh?

( chuckles ) Yep.

Ready for a little recreation now, I suppose.

Hmm?

Yeah?

Yeah, all set for a little ball game

or some roller skatin' or...

Hey! How 'bout a game of checkers?

Would you like that?

Not especially.

Aw, sure, you would.

Great game, checkers.

Gets your mind off things.

It's a lot of fun.

Sit down there, and le-let's see

if you can beat old Barn in a game of checkers.

That'd really be somethin', wouldn't it?

If you could beat old Barn?

All right, you make the first move.

I warn you now, I ain't gonna show you no mercy.

( chuckles )

Well, that's a pretty foxy move.

( sighs )

Speaking of foxy,

how about what they pulled on Mrs. Porter last night?

Sneakin' in there and, uh, takin' a ham.

Pretty good, huh?

( chuckles )

Wonder who did that, anyways.

You got to jump me, Barney.

Huh? Oh, yeah.

( chuckles ) Yeah...

I, uh... heard they pulled another pretty good one

down the street from her.

Got away with a turkey.

I thought maybe you might have, uh,

might have heard about that.

King me.

Barney, why is it

some folks got everything, seems like

and other folks got nothin'?

That ain't fair, is it?

Huh?

No, no, it isn't.

It's your move, Ope.

Oh. So what's wrong about takin',

you know, like a ham or a turkey or a pie, even,

and givin' it to somebody who's hungry?

I mean that's what Robin Hood did, wasn't it?

So what's wrong about that?

I mean, if I wanted to give somebody something...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on, move, Ope.

You think Paw'd be mad if I told him?

See, there's this friend of ours...

He lives out in the woods.

He has this bad leg and no money, or nothing to eat.

But he made us promise,

and when you promise somethin', you're supposed to keep it.

I know, I know.

Are you gonna talk or play?

OPIE: I got you trapped, Barney.

Looks like you lost.

Well, of course I lost! How can a person play

with you settin' there gabbin' your head off?

How'd you make out?

I lost, that's how I made out.

Hi, Paw.

Hi, Ope.

Ope, I'm goin' to ask you a question,

and I want a straight answer.

Did you take that apple pie out of the house?

Did ya?

Yes, Paw.

ANDY: Hmm. There's a few other things

been missing around town, like a turkey and a ham,

and some vegetables and things like that.

I don't reckon you'd know anything about them?

Hmm.

Now I'm not gonna ask you who stole what.

All I want to know is why.

We wasn't stealin', Paw.

Honest, we wasn't.

What do you call it then?

We was takin' from the rich to give to the poor.

What poor? Who you talkin' about?

Promise you won't give him no trouble.

He says sheriffs are always giving him trouble.

Who you talking about?

This man. We all met him out in Sherwood Forest...

I-I mean out in Crouch's Woods, down by the lake

where us kids play.

ANDY: And? Well, he was real

nice, but, gee, he was livin'

in this terrible little old shack

and he was poor... Nothin' to eat.

Don't tell me Weary Willie's back.

I run him out of there twice already.

Oh, this couldn't be him, Paw.

Hmm.

Why don't you just run down there

and see who that is.

You just watch me. You can't, Paw.

Don't! I wish you wasn't a sheriff

if you gotta be mean like this.

Wait a minute.

Maybe I better straighten you out

on a few things, includin' Robin Hood.

Now I'm sure they had a lot of fun, those fellas...

Frolickin' around in the woods and poachin' off game wardens

and eatin' with their fingers and rescuing damsels in distress

and stuff like that.

And I'm sure you boys enjoy playing at that, too.

But when it comes to stealin', stealin' is stealin',

and it's wrong any way you look at it.

It just won't hold up in a court.

But, Paw, they was robbin' the rich to give to the poor.

That's what we did.

You just try and tell that to a judge

and let me know what he says.

"Robbin' the rich."

There's just one thing wrong with that,

and that is that you young'uns are just too young

to come to a decision like that...

Which is takin' the law into your own hands.

And it's against the law

to take the law in your own hands.

But Paw, we was doin' a good deed.

We do that all the time, too.

We take from the rich and give to the poor.

Only we do it by law... by taxes.

Folks that's too old or too sick to take care of themselves

and need help, we give it to 'em.

But an able-bodied man like

this friend of yours... But, Paw...

Maybe a fella might be down on his luck...

But he don't want charity, not if he's honest.

All he wants is a chance to work and make a livin'.

But, Paw, he can't work.

He ain't able-bodied.

Oh?

He got hurt saving a baby from a train.

He got a fracture of the petula obendalla.

What's that?

A game leg.

Oh, I see.

Well, why don't we see

if we can help out this friend of yours?

Would you, Paw? Would you really help him?

Why not?

Now, you go get your friends.

You know, the rest of the Merry Men?

I'm sure they'd like to see

that we're going to help your friend.

Thanks, Paw.

It's like he says...

There are sheriffs, and there are sheriffs.

And you ain't a bad guy.

Hi.

What's this? What's this?

I brought my pa to meet you.

You did, huh?

Howdy.

I ain't done anything, Sheriff.

Oh, don't worry... Paw just wants to help you.

That's right, and you sure do look like a fella

that could use some help, too.

Now, I tell you what we'll do...

We'll just go into the County Employment Office.

And I'm sure they'll have a job for you,

doing roadwork.

Oh, no, no. I couldn't do any work like that...

The boys will tell you.

On account I got a bum leg.

Remember, boys, I telled you about that?

Yeah! Yeah. He saved someone's life.

Well, you just tell 'em that,

and I'm sure they'll have a nice inside job for you.

Oh, like maybe settin' behind a desk.

Oh, no, no.

I couldn't sit behind any desk.

On account o' I gets a cramp in my leg... ooh!

I can't move.

Well, I think I know just the job for you...

Being a night watchman.

That way you can stand up or set down, or lay down...

Just kind of change off.

Oh, no, no. No, I couldn't do that.

I-I couldn't do that.

Well, why not?

Well, uh, you know, the night work

it's bad for my leg.

And, uh, the night air... the night air, it's damp.

Goes right into the bones.

That's a pretty sensitive leg you got there.

Oh, that it is, that it is.

Well, I'll tell you what I'd suggest...

Why don't you come on into town with us?

We got a nice room you can stay in

till you find the right kind of job.

Oh, no, no, no. I couldn't do that, Sheriff.

It's, uh... mighty nice of you to ask me, but, uh... uh...

I got all my stuff here,

and it'd take an awful lot of trouble to move it.

And, uh... Aw, it's no trouble.

The boys'll be glad to pitch in and help,

won't you, boys?

Yeah. Sure. Sure!

But, but...

Oh, sure, we can get this stuff into town,

into that nice room we've got for you.

There's not that much.

Yeah, we-well, I...

And we're gonna stay right with you every minute

till we find the right kind of job for you and your leg.

Come on, boys, pitch in and get this stuff

out of the way. BOY: Okay, let's go.

BARNEY: Come on, let's move.

( indistinct voices )

Paw, Paw, look!

Hey, he ran away.

BOY: Look at him go.

There's nothing wrong with his leg.

No, there isn't, son.

He never did have a fracture

of the petula obendalla, like he said.

ANDY: No, I guess not.

"Petula obendalla."

He gave himself away as a phony

right from the start.

Petula obendalla ain't in the leg.

It's in the brain.

Okay, there's a couple.

Paw?

Mm-hmm?

Can I ask you a question?

Go right ahead.

And Paw?

Hmm? You said that already.

Well, is it okay if... if a sheriff tells a lie,

I mean, if he's a sheriff?

Oh, you mean, like, uh...

like offering your friend all those jobs

when there... when there weren't all those jobs?

Mm-hmm. Hmm.

Well, that, uh, that raises a very interesting point, Ope.

Um... I guess we're gonna have to have

another heart to heart talk, huh?

Well, Ope, there's, uh... there's certain times

and-and certain circumstances

and, uh, and-and then there's other times, and, uh,

well, what it... what it all comes down to...

Yeah?

Uh...

I don't think I've got a leg to stand on.

That's okay, Paw.

I make mistakes myself sometimes.