04x11 - Citizen's Arrest

[bunniefuu]

( whistling sprightly tune )

Starring Andy Griffith...

with Ronny Howard.

Also starring Don Knotts.

♪ Oh, tell my darling mother ♪

♪ I'll be there... ♪

Say, keep or throw on these?

What is it?

Some old Sheriff Pinkly stuff.

No kidding. Boy, this stuff really goes back.

Yeah. Look at that... .

"Record of arrest, Name, Purcell Branch."

Tyler Branch's dad?

Yeah.

"Misdemeanor charge of disturbing the peace.

Drove down Main Street

with cutout open on real flying cloud."

( laughing )

Crazy guy.

In those days, everybody thought they were lucky Lindy.

( chuckling ): Yeah.

Did you take over from Pinkly?

No. Fred Paly took over from Pinkly.

Dale Buckley took over from Paly

and I took over from Buckley.

Well, who's Freeberger?

Sewer inspector.

Sewer inspector?

Mm-hmm.

I thought he was a sheriff

or a state patrolman or something.

Oh, no, he just liked to wear a fancy uniform and a badge.

Well, the old buzzard.

He arrested my father for speeding.

If your daddy had looked a little closer at the badge,

he'd have seen a little manhole cover

right in the middle of the shield.

Of all the gall.

Of course now there could have been

extenuating circumstances.

Like what?

Like maybe your daddy

was speeding through a sewer.

"Speeding through a..."

( both laughing )

You character.

"Speeding through a sewer."

Yeah.

( laughing )

Hey, here's somethin' you might want to keep.

Huh?

Right here. Custody receipt

for the first revolver I issued you.

Look at that... "August ."

Ten years ago last month since I swore you in.

Yeah. Time has a way

of moving right down the road, don't it?

Boy, it sure does.

( chuckles )

Hey, you know, we should have a party or something.

Oh, no.

No, I mean it.

Have a few folks in, a little yellow sponge cake

with ten candles on it.

Oh, no. Don't you worry about it.

You know how I feel about fuss and folderol.

Lord knows the job itself is reward enough.

Ten years. Hmm...

you know, you ain't aged a lick?

Really?

Not the first lick.

Still as wiry as ever.

Got that same kid smile.

Yeah, yeah, I've heard that most of my life, I guess.

People do seem to like my smile.

We've been through a lot together, you know that?

We sure have, you son of a g*n.

Son of a g*n yourself.

No, no, I owe you a lot, Barn.

I really do.

We've been through a lot together.

You've been a fine deputy...

A true public servant.

You can feel right proud of yourself.

You know that?

Well, a man does with what he's got.

You're not going to cry, are you?

Oh, no.

I mean, you're so emotional

and high-strung and everything.

I'm fine. I'm fine.

Hi, Paw.

Oh, hi, Ope.

Hi, Barney.

Hi, Ope.

( door closes )

What's the matter with Barney, Paw?

Oh, he feels like he's getting a cold.

He doesn't want you to catch it.

Oh.

Gomer!

Hold it!

( siren wailing )

Hey, Barn.

Well?

Oh? My turn to talk?

I'd like to hear some kind of an explanation.

Well, pick a subject and I'll do my best.

You want me to pick a subject?

I'll pick a subject if that's what you want.

I'll pick one... U-turns.

Oh, you mean what I just done?

Yeah. Come on, explain.

Well, I think you're making a mistake, Barn.

Oh?

You're talking to an emergency vehicle.

And you're on an emergency mission, I suppose.

You could call it that.

Yeah, I seen you coming out of the post office.

Don't try and hide it.

Here's your emergency... A postcard

and a copy of Mechanics' Monthly.

Now wait a minute, Barn.

You're not going to write me a ticket, are you?

I'd like you to tell me why not.

I'm one of your friends.

Gomer, for ten years, I have yet to betray the public trust.

Now, I'd be some public servant

if I were to allow personal relationships

to stand in the way of the performance of my duty.

What are you getting at?

I'm giving you a ticket for committing a - .

Come on, Barn.

I tell you what.

Let me back up to where I started.

And that'll sort of undo that - , won't it?

If I didn't think you were a-kiddin'

I'd hit you with a - !

What's a - ?

"Insulting an officer's intelligence."

I was just trying to right a wrong

that I don't think was in the first place.

Come on, Barn.

Don't give me a ticket.

We're pals.

Gomer, that simply does not enter into it.

Now, my oath stipulates that I'm to uphold the law.

If my mother made a U-turn

I'd give her a ticket.

There you are... A five-dollar fine

payable within one week.

Failure to do so

may result in imprisonment and/or a $ fine

or both as the jurisdiction of the court may so decide.

You just go up... What was that?!

You just go up an alley

and holler fish!

I said it, and I ain't taking it back neither.

Gomer, try to look at it from my side, will you?

You see, you broke the law.

Well, sh**t, I... Now let me finish.

Now, it's from little misdemeanors

that major felonies grow

and it's my duty... It's anybody's duty...

To stop 'em before they get too far.

Now, the law must be upheld.

Now, if I... As just plain John Doe

an ordinary citizen... Were to see you making a U-turn

I'd have to make a citizen's arrest.

Gomer, you'll be a better man

if you'll try to think of us all working together

for a common cause.

All right, everybody, break it up.

Let's go. Back to your homes and places of business.

Come on, break it up. Let's go.

GOMER: Stop, Barney, stop!

Citizen's arrest!

Citizen's arrest!

Citizen's arrest!

Citizen's arrest!

Citizen's arrest!

Citizen's arrest!

What are you yelling about?

Like you said, you broke the law

by making an illegal U-turn

and I, hereby, as a citizen of the town of Mayberry

and the United States of America, arrest you.

CROWD: Hurray!

Just a minute!

What are you talking about?

You made a U-turn, and as a law-abiding citizen

it's my duty to call you on it.

You're supposed to be setting an example

for the rest of us.

Now, Gomer, Gomer, just a minute.

This little black-and-white baby here

is a real emergency vehicle.

Now, why don't you just stop trying to get even?

But you weren't on no emergency call.

( crowd shouting agreement )

Just a minute! Just a minute!

You made a mistake, deputy.

Now write yourself out a ticket.

( crowd murmuring agreement )

You got to be kidding.

You hear that, folks?

There are two sets of laws:

One for the police and one for the ordinary citizen.

( all talking at once )

What's going on here?

What's going on?

Oh, this boob here...

Boob?! That's an insult

in the face of the public.

There ought to be a number law

that covers that.

You be still because if you go back to...

Barney! You can't be insulting people in public like that.

You're supposed to set an example.

That's what I said.

Now, what happened?

Oh, nutsy here come running after me

screaming, "Citizen's Arrest!

Citizen's Arrest!"

What for?

He made an illegal U-turn

whilst he wasn't on no emergency.

( crowd agreeing )

Oh, he's just sore.

He's just sore because I gave him

a ticket for the same thing.

Did you make a U-turn?

Well, yeah, but th-the thing is...

Hold it. Hold it.

Hold it down. Hold it down.

Hold it down.

Barney, this thing is getting blowed up way out of proportion.

I think you better write yourself a ticket.

Then we'll go in the courthouse and settle it in private.

You're kidding.

I'm just trying to save us both a lot of embarrassment.

You're kidding!

MAN: Well, are you gonna make him write himself a ticket?

Or ain't ya?

Barney, the more you fuss about it, the bigger it's gettin'.

Andy, make him give hisself a ticket.

Stay out of this, Gomer.

I made the arrest.

I'll get you for this, Gomer.

Barney, write out the ticket.

You're kidding!

Barney, please write out the ticket.

( whispers ): The folks expect it now.

I tell you, I'll write it out.

You're darn right, I'll write it out.

I'll write it out, all right.

You make a fool out of me

because some boob... Boob?!

He's calling me names, Andy.

You said he wasn't supposed to...

Gomer, please stay out of this.

Write out the ticket, Barney!

Write out the ticket!

Gomer, stay out of this!

Now, don't let your temper guide your thinking.

Temper?! What do you mean, temper?!

I know what I'm doing!

How could you humiliate me

in front of the whole town like that?

Barney, it was diplomacy, public relations.

Right now, in the eyes of the people

of Mayberry, you're a pretty big man.

Hah! I'm a boob... That's what I am!

A boob!

Look, I'll give you the five dollars

out of my own pocket to pay the fine.

Now that'll take care of it.

It's a closed issue. Oh, you think so, huh?

You think that'll close it, do you?

Just like that... All fixed and done.

Well, let me fill you in, Sheriff.

Barney, will you calm...

You are not paying my five dollars for me.

I am not paying my five dollars for me.

What are you gettin' at?

Prisoner incarcerated and accounted for.

Barney!

Will you get out of there?

Don't put that key into the door.

I'm not coming out! Are you cracking up?

The accused has the choice of paying

a $ fine or spending five days in jail.

I, the accused, choose the latter!

You're makin' a fool of yourself.

Do you think so? Do you really think so?

Honestly and truly, is that what you think?

Yes, that's what I think!

Well, Sheriff, the laugh's on you!

When word gets out your deputy and ex-best friend

has been jailed

for a minor offense, you'll be the fool!

Your mind's really made up?

I wouldn't back down now if my life depended on it!

Who looks foolish now, Sheriff?

Smokin' are ya?

That's right, I'm smokin'.

What's the matter, smokin' lamp out or somethin'?

What'd ya come back for... bed check?

Okay, take a look, screw.

No knives, no g*ns, no saws.

Barney... Satisfied? Everything secure?

A-okay and out.

You gonna stay locked up in

that cell all night, are ya?

Why, somewhere's else you want me to go?

You want to put me in solitary?

Maybe you'd like to transfer me to state prison?

Well, stay there if you want to.

( coughing )

♪ I'm so sorry I broke your heart, mother... ♪

Otis, what are you doin' here?

It's not even Saturday night.

I know.

Special occasion.

It's my anniversary.

years.

What anniversary?

Well, years ago I took my first drink

and I've been in love with it ever since.

Come on, Otis.

Oh, another prisoner.

Hi, mate.

Hey... it's Barney.

Well, for a minute I thought you were locked in a cell.

But you're out.

I'm the one that's in, right?

What are you in for, pal?

Otis... Wait a minute; you're Andy.

Ah, you ain't in. And you ain't out.

Me, I ain't in, and I ain't out.

I'm in the twilight zone.

Otis, Barney is in.

Huh? Barney is in.

He's a prisoner, he's locked in the cell.

Barney?

That's right. I'm a prisoner.

Okay, you got that straight?

I'm in.

They caught you, hey?

Did you take a little bribe?

Otis...

Well, what'd you get him for, rolling a prisoner?

Otis, Barney's in by his own choice.

Now, go on in your room and go to sleep.

Well, you'll like it, pal.

You just keep your nose clean

and maybe they'll let you out on good behavior.

♪ Oh, I'm sorry ♪

♪ I broke your heart, mother... ♪

Pipe down, Otis!

Will you pipe down!

What do you mean, pipe down?

Just what I said, knock it off!

Says who?

Says me!

Yeah?! Yeah!

You gonna make me? Darn right, I am!

You and who else? Me, myself and I!

That's three people.

OTIS: Yeah?

BARNEY: Yeah!

Hold it! Hold it!

Both of you, be quiet.

♪ Barney's in jail ♪

♪ Barney's in jail ♪

♪ Barney's in jail... ♪

Otis...

Hey, uh, Barney, listen...

( metal clanking )

Know what that means?

It means we're busting out tonight.

( laughing )

Barney... you know what that means?

♪ Barney's in jail... ♪

Nip it! Nip it! Nip it! Nip it!

Nip it!

All right, all right, all right.

Now just quiet down, both of you, and go to sleep.

I don't wanna hear anymore fussing, you understand?

Good night.

♪ I'm sorry I broke your heart, mother... ♪

You shut up, Otis!

Will you just shut up!?

I can sing if I want to.

No, you can't!

I can. Can't!

Says who? Says me!

You a cop?

What's it to ya?!

You ain't a cop; you're a prisoner.

I'm telling you to shut up!

Gonna make me? Darn right, I am!

Yeah? Yeah!

Yeah? Yeah!

Mornin', Barn.

Still here, are ya?

Barney, Andy told me what happened

and I'm terribly sorry

but I brought you some breakfast.

Come on out and have some while it's hot.

No, thanks, Aunt Bee.

Well, you have to have something.

No, I don't, and he can't make me neither.

At least you can have a...

I'd just like to see him make me eat breakfast.

I'd like to see him try.

Andy, see that he eats something.

All right.

And give Otis a cup of coffee when he wakes up.

( sighs )

Comin' out, are ya?

Yeah, I'm comin' out.

I'm comin' out with this.

What's that?

Read it.

You're a big boy; you can read.

That's right.

It's my resignation.

Signed, sealed and delivered.

All right.

It means I'm quittin', you know.

That's my official resignation.

I know.

It's my resignation, and it's official.

I accept it.

Good.

I'll take it over to town council the first chance I get.

All right.

You do that.

Then they'll know.

That's my resignation, you know.

Means I'm resigning.

I understand.

You just take that paper over there and...

you show it to 'em.

It's my resignation!

I'll take care of it.

Hey, Gomer!

Hey, Ope.

Can I use your air hose?

Help yourself.

Water and air is free.

We do make a charge to gas, though.

I know.

You know how long we'd be in this business

if we gave gas away free?

Not very long.

Say, where's your Paw?

Haven't seen him around all day...

Barney neither, for that matter.

Didn't you hear?

Barney quit.

Say what?

Barney quit.

He ain't a deputy no more. He ain't?

It all started with that citizen's arrest you give him.

I heard Paw tellin' Aunt Bee.

Barney locked hisself up in jail and he wouldn't come out

and Paw couldn't get him to eat his breakfast.

Then Barney give Paw his resignation

and then he went to sleep.

Huh? That's what Paw said to Aunt Bee.

"He made his bed; let him sleep."

Oh.

Well... thanks for the air, Gomer.

You say Barney quit.

He really quit?

Yep. He's off Paw's force.

I'll see you later, Gomer.

See ya, Ope.

Tell your Aunt Bee Gomer says "hey."

I will.

( phone ringing )

( ringing )

( groans )

Hey, Barney, telephone's ringing.

Ain't ya gonna answer it?

No.

( ringing )

All right. All right.

( ringing )

( groaning )

I don't know why they don't get an answering service here.

Fellow can't even get a good night's sleep...

without some pest calling up first thing in the morning.

All right! All right!

( ringing )

Hello. Sheriff's Office.

No, he ain't here.

This here's Otis.

Huh?

You don't say.

I will.

I will.

Yeah, right now.

Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh.

Barney, guess what?!

There's been a holdup at Wally's Fillin' Station!

Oh, I guess I better...

No, I guess I better...

Oh, no.

Help! Andy!

Andy!

Help! Holdup!

Andy, help!

( siren wailing )

Gomer!

Gomer! Gomer!

What happened?

What'd they get?

Didn't Barney come with ya?

No. What's the story?

How much did they get?

How many were there? Who?

A call come through there was a holdup down here.

Otis told me.

Funny Barney didn't come with you.

This is a job that calls for teamwork.

Will you forget Barney? Now what happened?

Well, seeing I was the one that got you all apart

I thought I'd try to get you back together again.

What are you talking about?

I faked it.

You what?!

I made believe there was a holdup

hoping you and Barney'd come together.

( sighs )

Gomer, you didn't.

I'm sorry it didn't work.

BARNEY: Andy!

Andy!

Andy!

See, he did come.

I knew this job called for teamwork.

Sorry I'm late, Andy; I heard about it,

and I knew you'd need somebody to cover you.

All right, where'd they go? What's the scoop, Gomer?

How many were there?

Did you get a look at their faces?

Were they wearing rubber masks?

Well... Prints, prints!

What we need is prints!

Did they leave any prints?

What'd the crooks look like?

Gomer turned in a false alarm.

What?

There were no crooks.

Gomer made it up.

And you think it's funny, do you?

Do you realize you've committed a ?

A false alarm?

Do you realize the danger involved

in a prank like that?!

I'm gonna throw the book at you, Gomer.

Huh? That's right.

I'm hittin' you with a ...

a and a .

Oh, Barney, don't give me no more tickets.

Don't start that over again.

All of these?

That's right.

All of these.

Andy.

( Barney honks horn )

Andy, come on.

Hey, Barney, stop!

You're making a U-turn.

Citizen's arrest!

Citizen's arrest!

Citizen's arrest!

Citizen's arrest!

Citizen's arrest!

Andy...

Uh, I-I got something I wanna say to you

and I want you to hear me out.

( clears throat )

Well, what I wanted to say was...

( clears throat )

Well, actually, what I want to say is

that I realize I... made a dang fool of myself

and I'm sorry.

Well, that's what I wanted to say.

That's okay, Barn.

( chuckles )

Well, we'd better get back to work, huh?

Hey, Andy.

Huh?

That letter of resignation I wrote.

What about it?

What are you gonna do with it?

Oh. Oh, that.

Well, I tell you, Barn, I thought I'd just, uh...

file it in here with the rest of them.

Huh?

"January , I Bernard P. Fife

do hereby tender my resignation."

"February , this is to advise that I, Bernard P. Fife

am hereby resigning."

"March , I..."