04x08 - Opie's Ill-Gotten Gain

[bunniefuu]

( whistling sprightly tune )

Starring Andy Griffith...

with Ronny Howard.

Also starring Don Knotts.

Five and two is seven, and three is ten,

and four is and... Opie, your milk.

Morning, everybody.

Morning, Barney. Come on in.

Opie, you haven't finished your milk.

Opie, we can't put it back in the cow you know.

I'm awful busy right now, Aunt Bee.

Can I drink it later?

All right, I'll put it back in the icebox.

You can have it when you come home.

I'll tell Andy you're here.

Okay.

What're you doing, Ope?

Writing your memoirs?

Six and eight is , and nine is ...

Oh, doing your ol' arithmetic, are you?

Six and eight is and...

Mighty important subject, arithmetic.

Yes, sir. You'll find you use arithmetic

in every walk of life, did you know that?

I know.

Six and eight is ...

Engineers, scientists, carpenters, plumbers...

Everybody at one time or another uses arithmetic.

Every walk of life.

Uh-huh.

Six and eight is and nine...

No matter what you're planning on being,

sooner or later, you're gonna use arithmetic.

So you keep doing it, boy.

I'll try.

Six and eight is ... Mornin'.

Hi, Andy.

You'd better be gettin' to school,

hadn't you, Ope?

He's doing his arithmetic.

Pretty important, you know.

Six and eight is and...

Take your pa, now.

He's a sheriff.

He uses arithmetic.

Even the prisoners, they use numbers...

the ones on their backs.

( laughing )

I just made that up.

If that's homework you're doin',

this is a fine time.

Why didn't you do it last night?

I'll be finished in just a minute, Paw.

You better buckle down.

You got another report card due, you know.

I ain't worried.

What makes you so sure?

I think the teacher likes me now.

Liking's got nothing to do with it.

The teacher don't give out good marks

'cause she likes you, you know.

Look at Barbie Tyler.

She's teacher's pet, and she always gets good marks.

Maybe she's teacher's pet because she gets good marks.

You ever think of that?

You better go on now. You'll be late.

Okay, Paw.

I'll see ya.

Okay. Bye, Paw.

See you later, Barney.

Okay, Ope.

Bye, Aunt Bee.

Opie? Opie!

Have you got your nutrition money?

OPIE: Yep. Got it in my shoe.

Nutrition money?

Mm-hmm. They get a midmorning snack.

Helps them to concentrate.

Opie! Opie, your lunch!

That boy can't remember anything.

He'd forget his head if it wasn't screwed on.

Well, let's go to work.

Yeah.

Nutrition money.

Boy, the things kids get away with these days.

Yeah.

Won't drink his milk, but he gets a midmorning snack.

They sure didn't pamper us like that.

No, boy, they sure didn't.

If we were caught chewing anything in school,

you know what'd happen?

We'd stay after school and darn well clap erasers.

No wonder the country's going soft.

That's what the country needs all right...

More eraser-clappers.

Well, it wouldn't do 'em

a bit of harm, I'll tell you that.

Kids these days...

You got to reward 'em for everything.

Got to bribe 'em to get good marks.

Boy, I tell ya, if I ever came home

with anything less than all A's,

I just didn't dare come home.

I don't remember you gettin' all A's.

Well, I did that once.

Remember? The teacher made such a fuss about it

that all the kids hated me.

I don't remember that.

Well, it's a fact.

I didn't want them thinking

I was some kind of a snob or an egghead or something

so I buckled down and got bad marks.

That must've taken real effort.

You think you're kidding?

Listen, an IQ can be

a mixed blessing sometimes,

but some people want it and can't get it.

I got it and had to get rid of it.

Life's funny that way, you know?

Yeah.

You know what I think, Barn?

Hmm?

I think that was real democratic of you,

real democratic.

How I vote, brother, is my business.

Well, I...

When a man walks into that booth,

he's alone with his conscience

and nobody gets to ask him how he voted... nobody.

Well, I agree.

Now, that's the American way

and I'm for that.

Well, you can put me down for it, too.

How'd you vote, Andy?

Well, I ain't gonna tell ya.

I'm just as American as you are.

Let's go on patrol.

It ain't as if I'm a stranger.

I'm your friend.

Come on. How'd you vote?

You tell me and I'll tell you.

He's coming, Aunt Bee!

He's coming!

Here comes Paw. Car's pulling up.

Good.

Don't say anything about it, Aunt Bee.

Promise you won't say anything?

I promise.

ANDY: See you later, Barn.

Pretend like nothing's happened.

Let me give it to him, okay?

Of course, of course, I will.

Hi, Ope.

Hi, Paw.

Hi, Aunt Bee. Hi, Andy.

Well, how'd it go in school today?

Well...

What's goin' on?

Well...

What's that?

Report card.

Bad news, huh?

I hate to say I told you so, but I did, you know.

"Effort: 'A'

"Cooperation: 'A'

"Arithmetic: 'A'

"Readin', Spellin'

Social Studies..."

they're all A's.

I told you she liked me.

Did you hear that, Aunt Bee?

What do you think of a boy who gets all A's?

I know. Isn't it wonderful?

I fooled ya, didn't I?

You thought there was gonna be some bad marks there,

but I fooled you, didn't I?!

You sure did, you little buzzard.

Am I ever proud of you.

Aunt Bee, what are we gonna do

to reward a boy like this.

I baked him a special pie.

ANDY: You did?

Mm-hmm. His favorite... Butterscotch pecan.

Mmm, mmm!

A whole pie just for me?

Why not?

Well, your head's so full,

might as well fill your tummy to balance you.

That's right, fill up your tummy.

Anybody who gets all A's ought to have

his little tum-tum fill of pie-pie-pie.

All A's... look at that?

Would you just look at that?

All A's.

Pretty sight.

Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty sight.

( door opens )

Oh, hi, Barn.

Hi, everybody. AUNT BEE: Hi, Barney.

Everything all right?

Yeah, fine.

Here's the keys to the car.

I parked her in the driveway.

Oh, thanks.

Well, I'll see ya.

Oh, wait a minute. Don't go.

No, you're eatin' supper.

No, wait a minute. I want to tell you something.

Do you know you're standing in the presence of a boy

that got all A's on his report card?

He means me!

No kidding, all A's.

Yeah, we're having a little celebration.

Kind of a pie celebration.

Sit down and have some.

No, thanks.

Oh, come on, pull up a chair.

No, I couldn't really.

Oh, come on, Barney.

No, thanks.

It's butterscotch pecan.

Well, seeing as how it's a celebration.

Come on, Opie, show me how big a piece you want.

Big!

( chuckling )

Young'uns.

Yeah.

They sure can fool you sometime.

Look at that. All A's.

You know what I think?

What?

I think you ought to have that boy measured for his IQ.

What?

You might have a genius on your hands.

Oh, come on, Barney.

No, I mean it.

Might be they're holding him back there at that school.

Well...

Could be he's ready for Harvard.

Oh, come on.

Well, it's happened.

He's not even ten years old yet.

You know how old Einstein was when he graduated from school?

How old?

Well, I don't know, but I bet he was young.

A fella that bright.

Yeah.

Really, I think you ought to have Opie's head looked into.

Could be some interesting things going on in there.

Hmm.

( school bell rings )

( children chattering )

All right, children.

Children, settle down.

Opie, would you come up here, please

and bring your report card?

Opie, it seems I made a mistake

in transcribing some of the marks

to the report cards.

I'm afraid yours

was one of the mistaken ones.

I'm sorry this happened, Opie,

and I wish you had made all those A's.

Yes, ma'am.

You could do it, you know, if you really worked.

Yes, ma'am.

I'm sorry, Opie.

Yes, ma'am.

Wait here a minute

and let me do a little scouting.

Aunt Bee... ( gasps )

Oh, good heavens! You gave me such a fright.

Is Opie here?

Yes. He's upstairs in his room, I think.

Good.

Now that you mention it,

he hasn't been down all afternoon.

Don't call him. Don't say anything.

No, no.

( door creaks open )

Easy, easy, easy.

Okay.

Shh.

Easy, Barney, easy.

Oh, Andy!

How about that?

Oh, Andy, he's going to love it.

He sure will.

It's got a bell, too. Look.

No. Don't do that. You'll give it away.

Where'll we hide it?

It's like trying to hide an elephant.

I know. The couch.

Push it down. Keep it down below.

It shows.

Hold on. Wait.

I know... you sit in front of it, Aunt Bee.

Okay. Hold on. Just a minute.

Tear him away from his studies,

but I don't reckon he'll mind. Ope?!

He'll go stale if he studies all the time.

It happened to me.

Yeah. Opie?

My pa used to say to me, "If you don't get your nose

out of them books and go get some fresh air..."

Then he'd send me down to the cellar to sift ashes.

Hey, we better get out from behind here.

Sit by Aunt Bee.

Opie, can you hear me?

OPIE: Yeah, Paw.

Would you come down here a minute?

Okay, Paw.

Uh, Ope, uh... I believe I left

my slippers over there behind the couch.

Would you get 'em for me?

Well, go on.

Okay, Paw.

Well, aren't you gonna say something?

It's neat.

Opie, did you ever know a father

that had more reason to be proud

of his son than I have with all them A's you got?

Well... there you are.

Ain't you gonna take her out and ride her?

Not right now, Paw.

I got studying to do, and...

I'll do it later.

I'm telling you, Andy,

you'd better get that boy's IQ examined.

He gets a new bike and he wants to study?

Well... I reckon that's the way you get all A's.

Hi, Andy.

Hi, Barn.

Look at that, would you?

What's that?

My old history book.

The one I used way back in the eighth grade.

I'll be dogged.

With all this talk with Opie

about how good he's doing in school and all,

I got to thinking about my own schooling

and I dug that up.

My old history book.

"Bernard P. Fife." Huh.

"This book belongs to Bernard P. Fife.

"If lost or stolen, please return to Bernard P. Fife.

Signed, Bernard P. Fife."

Your book?

Yeah.

Look at the next page.

"A history of the United States of America

by Bernard P. Fife."

Well, remember how we used to paste our own names

over the authors?

Oh, yeah.

Boy, you've had this a long time.

Well, since the eighth grade.

And you want to know something?

There's things right there in that book that I learned

that I still remember to this day.

Oh, come on. To this day.

It's amazing how that stuff stays with you.

Once you learn something, it never leaves you.

Stays locked up tight right in the old noodle.

It does, huh?

Sure.

Here. Let me show you.

"Constitution of The United States."

Now, we had to memorize the preamble of that

and I still remember it.

You do?

Yeah. Here, I'll show you.

Hold the book on me.

Okay.

All right. Go ahead.

The Constitution of The United States.

Why don't you just give me the first word

and then I know the rest.

Okay. "We." "We."

We?

We.

Are you sure?

I'm looking right at it.

Oh. "We."

"We..."

"the..."

The. "We the..."

"We the..."

"people..."

People. "We the people..."

"We the people..."

"We the people..."

"We the people..."

"of..."

Of. "We the people of..."

"the..." the... "United..."

"Uni... We the people of the United..."

Flag?

Breeze? Wind? Wave?

Stars?! States.

States! "We the people of The United States..."

"In order..."

"In order..."

"To form a..."

"To form a..."

"More perfect..."

"Perfect..."

"Une..."

To form a more perfect you.

"Yun!"

Yun! "Union."

"In order to form a more perfect union..."

"Es..." Es... "Ta..." Ta...

"Bli..." Bli... "Shh..."

Shh.

( whispers ): Establi...?

"Establish"

"Establish"

"Just..."

Establish just, uh...

"Tice!" Tice!

Justice. "Establish justice..."

( Barney following along ): "Ensure domestic tranquillity,

"provide for the common defense,

"promote the general welfare

"and secure the blessings of liberty

"to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain

"and establish this constitution

for the United States of America."

You wanna run through that again

or do you think you got it?

I got it.

Good.

When you learn something, you learn it.

Paw?

Oh, hi, Ope.

You talking about something?

Oh, no, no. Barney was just showing me

how he can still remember something

he learned in the eighth grade.

Surprised you, too, didn't I?

You sure did.

Paw?

Yeah, Ope?

I got something I'd like to talk to you about.

Well, you go right ahead, but I bet I know what it is.

About an advance on your allowance.

I expect that can be arranged.

Fella with your record...

credit's good with me.

I expect you could use

a little extra.

There you are.

Where's your bicycle?

Leave it outside?

I decided not to ride it.

You did?

Well, why?

You gonna study some now?

Now, look, Ope, I like the idea

of you wanting to be a star pupil,

but let's not overdo it.

Like they say, "all work and no play..."

You do like the bicycle, don't you?

Uh-huh.

Well, good.

Take it out and ride it

and have some fun with it.

After all, you earned it, didn't you?

Go on. Ride it.

Go on, Ope. Ride your bicycle.

Have a little fun for a change.

You deserve it.

Getting all them A's.

Mmm. I tell you, Aunt Bee, that sure was good.

Well, I'm glad you liked it.

We're gonna have to give you a title, or something.

"Miss Fried Chicken of Mayberry."

Oh, stop it, and come and help me with the dishes.

All right.

Paw?

In a minute, Ope.

Let me help Aunt Bee with these dishes.

You should have heard the boys in the barbershop

when I told them about Opie.

Oh, what did they say?

Oh, they just carried on.

They did?

Yeah.

He is a good boy, you know that.

Not spoiled, or anything, minds everybody.

I'll tell you the truth,

I'm so proud of him, I don't know what to do.

Hey, you know what I have a great mind to do?

AUNT BEE: What?

ANDY: Take him uptown

and get his picture made with that report card

and send it to Edgar Beasley.

He's always braggin' on his young'uns so much.

I think that's a fine idea.

( chuckling )

Well, hey, Miss Crump.

Hello, Sheriff.

Come in. Sit down, won't you?

Oh, I can't stay, I just came to see you about Opie.

Oh. How's my little honor student doing?

He gave us quite a surprise with that report card.

I bet you was a little surprised, too, wasn't you?

He didn't tell you?

Tell me what?

Oh, well, I'd better explain.

Aunt Bee, is Opie here?

Oh, I don't know, Andy.

He's been in and out.

He say anything to you

about getting the wrong report card?

Wrong report card?

Yeah. He not only didn't get all A's,

he got an "F" in arithmetic.

Why, I don't understand.

Well, he did.

So you don't know if he's here or not?

No.

Opie?

Opie?

Andy... Opie, come down here.

Andy, you're not going to punish him?

No, I want to talk to him.

I want to find out what's going on.

Boy's been acting mighty strange...

Standing around, won't ride his bicycle,

wants to study all the time.

Opie, you hear me?

Opie?

Oh, my goodness.

He cleaned up his room without me asking.

He's run away.

Oh, Andy.

What are you going to do?

Go and find him.

Where you going?

Hi, Paw.

Did you get my note?

Yeah.

You didn't say where you was going.

Well, I was going away someplace

and not come back till you was proud of me again.

What?

Well, Paw, there's something you don't know,

but you're gonna find out, so I might as well tell you.

I didn't get all A's on my report card.

The teacher made a mistake.

I wanted to tell you about it.

I started to,

but I knew you'd be awful disappointed...

so I just never did.

Then I got to thinking about it

and I figured the best thing to do would be to run away.

Not come back till I was able to do something

that could make you proud of me again.

Uh...

Opie, I've got... I got something I, uh...

I want to say to you.

When I thought you got all A's,

that was the most important thing in the world to me

and I made it so important

that I made it impossible for you to live up to it.

You're my son, and I'm proud of you just for that.

You do the best you can, and if you do that,

that's all I'll ever ask of you.

Okay?

Okay, Paw.

You never did say where you was going.

Well, I thought maybe I'd go away and join the navy.

The navy.

Well, things is kind of quieting down now.

Would you mind waiting a little bit?

I don't mind.

Good. I'll send your regrets to the secretary of the navy.

( inaudible )

Paw! Paw!

Opie!

What in the world?

Look at this, Paw!

It's an arithmetic test we had this morning

and look what I got!

"B+, nice improvement, Miss Crump."

Well, now, that's a time!

Looky there, Aunt Bee. Looky there.

Isn't that nice?

Makes you feel good, doesn't it, Opie?

Sure does!

Good. That's fine. That's real fine.

That's the way to do it.

Paw?

Hmm?

When you was a boy,

what was the worst grade you ever got?

I make it a point not to remember that.

What was the best?

Sometimes I did pretty good. Why?

No reason, just asking.

Paw?

Hmm?

When you was a boy, did you have a bike?

Yeah. Why?

Just asking.

Paw?

Now what?

Did you get to ride it whenever you wanted to,

or just when you got good grades?

Go on, ride your bicycle.

Thanks, Paw!