04x04 - The Sermon for Today

[bunniefuu]

( whistling sprightly tune )

Starring Andy Griffith...

with Ronny Howard.

Also starring Don Knotts.

And so, Little Orphan Annie says "Jumpin' Jehoshaphat!

"The crooks are headed for that nice Mr. Deacon's ranch.

We better go tell the chief of police."

And Sandy, her dog, says "Arf."

What?

Arf.

You know, what he says

when he agrees with something she says, he says "Arf."

Oh.

Paw, how old is Little Orphan Annie?

Oh, about , , I reckon.

Little Orphan Annie?!

No, the comic strip's that old.

Little Orphan Annie's about your age, I guess.

Oh.

So anyway, the dog, Sandy, says, "Arf."

Opie, you should be getting dressed.

Andy, you're not going to sit there reading a paper.

We should get started.

Aunt Bee, preachin' don't start till : .

I know, but we want a good seat

and it's bound to be crowded

with that visiting preacher.

Just 'cause he's from New York.

It's because he's famous and everybody's read his book.

I ain't.

Well, you, all you read...

Now, Aunt Bee, I hold with Reverend Tucker.

Andy... He's good enough for me.

Andy...

We've been takin' from Reverend Tucker

for a good many years now and I ain't about to change.

Andy, they're both on the same side.

Reverend Tucker invited him

and he wants a big turnout,

so he'll make a good impression.

Go on, Opie, you get dressed.

You too, Andy, come on, come on.

Oh, all right.

I'll call Clara and tell her we'll pick her up

and I want to find out what she's going to wear.

You know what she's gonna wear.

But I want to find out if she's going to wear it.

She didn't.

Well, how can she deny it?

Everybody knows she's been henna-rinsing for years.

A natural redhead, my foot.

She's been rinsing so long her temples are henna-colored.

Aunt Bee, you still on with Clara?

By the way, what did I call you about?

Oh, yes, we're going to church and we'll pick you up.

By the way, Clara, what are you going to be wearing?

Come on, Aunt Bee.

What do you think about earrings?

Do you think they're too much?

Come on, Aunt Bee.

Yes, I know it is Sunday

but this preacher's from New York.

Aunt Bee, come on.

Well, I haven't been there, either,

but I've always imagined them with earrings.

I'm ready, Paw!

Well, I don't want to wear them

if you don't want to wear them.

Me and Opie ain't wearin' any.

Well, what do you think?

I know Reverend Tucker wants us to make a good impression.

Play it safe and just wear one.

If we see the others don't,

we'll go behind the bushes and take them off.

Now, how about perfume?

Aunt Bee, you can talk it over at church, if we ever get there.

Excuse me, Clara, Andy's shouting at me.

I'm goin' to preachin', you comin'?

I have to go, Clara, call me later in the week.

Oh, no! I'll be seeing you!

We'll be coming right over.

Can we go now?

Well, I've just been sitting here,

waiting for you.

CONGREGATION: ♪ Holy Spirit, Power divine ♪

♪ Fill and nerve this will of mine ♪

♪ By Thee may I strongly live ♪

♪ Bravely bear and nobly strive ♪

♪ Holy Spirit, Right divine ♪

♪ King within my conscience reign ♪

♪ Be my law and I shall be ♪

♪ Firmly bound, forever free ♪

♪ Amen. ♪

We are greatly honored today.

It is our happy privilege to welcome to our midst

a very dear friend of mine:

Dr. Harrison Everett Breen of New York City.

Dr. Breen has interrupted his vacation

to join us in worship this mornin'

and to bring us, I know, an inspirin' message.

Dr. Breen.

Thank you, Dr. Tucker. ( clears throat )

As I stood there during the singing of the hymn

I asked myself,

"What message have I to bring to these good people of Mayberry?"

And I was reminded of an incident.

A young man came to me recently

and said he, "Dr. Breen, what is the meaning of it all?"

And I said to him, "Young man, I'm glad you asked."

My friends, I wish more of us

found the time to ask that question.

( insect buzzing )

Whither, whither are we headed and why.

( buzzing stops )

Why the senseless rush?

This mad pursuit?

This frantic competition.

This pace that kills.

Why do we drive ourselves as we do?

In our furious race these days, to conquer outer space,

are we not perhaps forgetting inner space?

Shall we find the true meaning of life

by fleeing from it?

( loud snoring )

( snoring loudly )

Consider...

consider how we live our lives today.

Everything is run, run, run.

We bolt our breakfast.

We scan the headlines.

We race to the office.

The full schedule and the split second.

These are our gauges of success.

We drive ourselves from morn to night.

We have forgotten the meaning of the word "relaxation."

What has become of the old-fashioned ways?

The simple pleasures of the past?

Who can forget, for example

the old-fashioned band concert at twilight

on the village green.

The joy, the serenity of just sitting and listening.

This is lost to us.

And this we should strive to recapture.

A simple, innocent pleasure.

And so, I say to you, dear friends:

relax, slow down, take it easy.

( shouts ): What's your hurry?

What, indeed, friends, is your hurry?

( church organ playing )

Lovely service, Dr. Tucker; just lovely.

And the sermon was magnificent.

Simply magnificent.

Well, thank you.

Dr. Breen, may I introduce Sheriff Taylor.

Dr. Breen.

His Aunt, Miss Bee,

Miss Johnson, and this is Deputy Fife.

Real pleasure.

Oh, Dr. Breen, your sermon had such a wonderful lesson for us.

Yes, sir, you really hit the nail

right on the head there.

Yes, sir, that's one subject

you can't talk enough about... sin.

Yes, uh, well, uh...

AUNT BEE: Will you be around long?

We'd be very honored to have you come for dinner.

We wish you would.

Well, I wish I could

but I did promise to drive

over to Mount Pilot this afternoon

and preach a sermon.

But on my way back this evening,

I'll stop by and have coffee with you, if I may.

Oh! That'd be mighty nice.

We'll look forward to seeing you.

Well, it's good to have met you all.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

He didn't talk about sin.

Huh?

We really packed it away, didn't we?

( laughing ): We really did.

I know I did. Yeah.

Yeah, I ate way yonder too much; way yonder too much. Mm!

It's good to eat, though.

Yeah. Yeah.

( sighs, grunts )

Yeah, we really packed her away.

Yeah, boy.

Fortunately, none of mine goes to fat.

All goes to muscle.

That's the mark of us Fifes...

Everything we eat goes to muscle.

See there?

I see.

My mother was the same way.

She could just eat and eat and eat and eat and eat.

Never went to fat, huh? Hm.

Know where it went?

Muscle? Yeah.

That was the mark of us Fifes.

Good.

( sighs )

You know what I believe I'll do?

Run down to the drugstore

and get some ice cream for later.

You want me to go? I'll go.

No, I'll go.

Oh, I don't mind going.

I don't either. I'll go.

You're probably tired.

Why don't you let me go?

No, I'm not tired.

I'll go.

I sure don't mind going.

You sure?

Mm-hmm.

Why don't we both just go?

Okay.

You ready?

Mm-hmm.

Well, let's go.

Where we goin'?

Down to the drugstore to get some ice cream for later.

Okay.

Come on.

Andy?

Where are you boys goin'?

We thought we'd run down to the drugstore

and get some ice cream for later.

Well, why do you have to run down to the drugstore,

as if it couldn't wait?

Ma'am?

That's what the preacher

was talking about this morning.

It seems nothing can wait.

Everything's rush, rush, rush.

Hey, Andy!

Hey, Gomer.

Hey, Aunt Bee.

Hey, Gomer.

Hey, Barney.

Hey, Gomer.

Where you headed, Gomer?

Oh, I thought I'd run over to my cousin Goober's

and watch him wash his car.

You see? There's another example.

Run, run, run.

Exactly what Dr. Breen was talking about this morning.

Some people just don't know how to relax.

She's right, you know that?

She is.

Sit down, Gomer.

Crazy, I guess I just wasn't thinkin'.

Remember when we used to have them band concerts

like Dr. Breen was talking about?

Oh, yes, that was relaxing, wasn't it?

Yeah.

Sitting around, Sunday evening,

listening to music.

You know, I'm kind of sorry

we don't have the town band anymore.

I sure wish we had it again.

Yeah.

Andy?

Hmm?

You think you could?

Could what?

Organize the band again?

Well, I don't know.

Bet you could, if you put your mind to it.

ANDY: You know, the boys might enjoy

gettin' together again.

Course they would.

Uniforms need a bit repairing.

But I could call Clara and she could help me fix em up.

Well, I'd have to get the boys together.

AUNT BEE: Well, fine.

Well, the bandstand's all busted

and layin' over there in a junk heap.

It'll need some carpenterin'.

I'll lend you a hand.

You know, the way we're talking,

we're talking about getting up a band concert by tonight.

AUNT BEE: Why not?

Well, yeah, why not, if we all pitch in?

Gomer and me'll get started on the stand.

I'll borrow some tools.

I'll call Clara, we can get started on the uniforms.

Well, I'll just go out to the garage and get my horn.

Yeah!

Well, let's go!

BARNEY: Come on, let's go see Goober.

We're actually going to have a band concert... tonight!

This bandstand's gonna be

a lot more work than we thought, huh?

Yeah, but if we stick with it, we can get 'er done,

and then we'll just haul her over to the town square.

Yeah. What you got?

Oh, that's a poster I made up

to put on the back of the squad car.

You know, let folks know.

Yeah!

"Concert tonight. Relax to music under the stars."

You like that? I made that up.

Yeah, that's good.

Looks like it might be cloudin' up, though.

Well...

I could change it to "music under the clouds."

"Music under the sky"?

Well, it's outdoors; that's obvious.

Well, how about

I just leave that part out altogether?

Well, what do you got left here?

You got, "Concert tonight...

"Relax to...

How about just "Concert tonight"?

Well, when they hear the music,

they'll know it's a concert.

And they'll know it's tonight too, right?

Right.

Forget the poster?

I would.

Hey, Andy!

Hey, Gomer, did you get Goober?

Goober wouldn't come

but he borrowed us these tools.

The only thing is I'm the only one that can use 'em.

He don't want no strangers usin' 'em,

only a relative.

Oh, brother.

No, it don't have to be.

It can be a cousin, like me.

I meant... aw, skip it.

Why wouldn't Goober come?

Is he still washing his car?

Uh-huh. I begged him to

but him and his ma is goin' visitin'

and he said he wouldn't put his ma in a dirty car.

Just like Dr. Breen said,

everything's rush, rush, rush, rush, rush.

Goober says hey, though.

Hey to Goober.

Grab hold, Gomer, lend us a hand.

Grab ahold of what?

Well, we got to prop up the timbers

and get the sag out of the middle.

Yeah, if she's gonna go,

that's where she's gonna go.

That's right.

Got to crawl under there somehow,

and heave up on the timbers and wedge this in.

Why don't we use a jack?

We got one in the car.

Barn, that's an inspiration.

Here.

I got to go see

how Aunt Bee's coming with the uniforms.

I promised I'd get her another sewing machine.

Take charge here.

Okay, Gomer, you heard what Andy said.

I'm in charge.

Let's get cuttin'.

You crawl in under there

and I'll go get the jack.

Right.

It's damp under there.

Could be spiders.

Now, what makes you think there's spiders under there?

'Cause if I was a spider, that's where I'd go.

Gomer, there's no spiders under there.

Now let's get movin'.

I don't know... Sure looks spidery to me.

There's no spiders under there.

Now, will you stop worryin'?!

But Barney, if I crawl under there...

Look, are we gonna do this or ain't we?

Now, we all agreed we wanted to have

a band concert tonight.

Now, it ain't gonna happen

if you just stand around.

Now, let's get moving.

But, Barney, I'm sure...

Gomer, get down there

with them spiders and start workin'!

Well, I'm back.

Hello, Andy.

Somebody I know under there?

Can I go now, Paw?

I'm tired of being a tailor's dummy.

In a little while.

Now, for land's sakes, be just a little patient.

I got you another sewing machine

at Louise Palmer's, Aunt Bee.

Oh, good; I hope it'll do some good.

What's the matter?

Well, these uniforms are in terrible shape.

But we'll do the best we can.

You need me for anything else?

I got to get back to band practice.

No. No. Go on, run along.

Call me if you need me.

Right.

Bee? We're going to have to re-stitch

every one of these seams.

Cheap thread, that's what it is.

And will you look at that... mildew.

Now, you can't expect me to do anything about mildew.

Well, it's not my fault.

Don't blame me for the condition the uniforms are in.

I didn't store them, you know.

Well, neither did I.

I didn't say you did.

But we're not gonna get any work done

if we stand around arguing like this.

I have been working

but I can't perform a miracle.

Can I go now, Aunt Bee?

No, you cannot!

Now, stand still!

Mildew!

( playing "The Blue Danube Waltz" badly )

Hold it, boys.

Hold it, fellas.

Hold it!

( clarinet squeals )

I knew we was out of practice

but I didn't know we was that much out of practice.

Luther, you're a little late now and then.

What say?

( louder ): I say you're late!

You're draggin'.

Yes, sounds real good to me, too.

No, Luther, it was off, it was way off.

How's that?

It was off!

Yes.

( sighs, clears throat )

Now, let's try to get together this time.

Let's take it again and let's do it better.

What did you say, Andy?

I said, let's take it again

and this time, let's do it better!

Yes, it sounded real good to me.

Ready?

One, two, three, play.

( playing "The Blue Danube Waltz" badly )

Hold it.

Hold it. Hold it.

Hold it!

Hold it, b... Luther! Hold it!

Huh? What'd you say, Andy?

Wha... What'd you stop us for?

We was goin' real good that time.

We got the spirit, all right,

we just got to get together on the tune.

I'm together. It's him.

Don't tell me! I'm playin' what's wrote here!

You read the notes.

You read 'em!

You the one that's been missin' em!

( everyone arguing )

All right, hold it, boys.

Hold it! Luther! Boys, hold it!

CLARA: Now, Bee,

I told you before we started

that we couldn't do it.

I know what you told me, Clara.

But it didn't hurt to try, did it?

Well, If you ask me it was

just a waste of time.

Well, I don't think so.

Mildew. Mildew!

Ladies, what's the matter?

Oh, it's no use, Andy.

These uniforms are too far gone.

Look at this.

And the others are even worse.

I told you it was a waste of time.

I know what you told me, Clara.

We worked and worked

but we just couldn't do it.

Oh... well, that's a shame, boys.

Looks like no uniforms.

Well, I wish I'd a-known, Andy.

I sure can't play without a uniform.

You sure can't play with one.

Is that supposed to be funny or somethin'?

Hold it, hold it, guys! Hold it!

Oh, pipe down, Gomer! Just pipe down!

It was you and your jack.

I said pipe down! Now, wait a minute!

Don't tell me you got bad news, too?

Oh, it's about the bandstand.

What about it?

You tell him, you did it.

I didn't do nothin'.

You and Goober's hammer!

It was you and your jack... I told you I heard somethin' give!

Just nip it! ANDY: Hold it.

What happened?

Well, we was under there, you see,

and you know how dark it is, spiders and all.

I don't know what he hit,

but it must've been holding up the whole shebang.

GOMER: Well, I didn't go to hit nothin', I took a whack

at a spider.

I told you there's spiders under there.

Well, anyways, it begun to creak and rumble and then...

( blows raspberry )

The whole thing?

( all groaning )

Is there any chance of propping it up again?

With a whole day's work...

And I'm just too pooped to start.

Well, I'm too pooped, I'll tell you that!

And I don't see how you're gonna have a band concert

without a bandstand.

And they'll have no uniforms.

CLARA: Oh, I knew they wouldn't have any uniforms.

( all grumbling )

Now, wait a minute! Now, hold it!

Hold it, hold it, everybody! Hold it, hold it!

We-We-We can still practice.

Practice?!

Oh, ready to go again, Andy?

Yes.

( playing badly )

( intense grumbling )

( dissonant music and grumbling continues... )

( songbirds chirping sweetly )

Well, nobody can say we didn't at least try to have a concert.

No, they sure can't say that.

A spider bite.

I don't want to see no spider bites!

Now, don't you all start that again.

( car horn toots )

Well, good evening, folks.

( all greet him )

No, no, no, no.

Please, please, please, don't get up.

You look so comfortable.

( all chuckle )

Well, I said I'd stop by on my way back

and have some coffee with you,

but now I'm afraid I won't even be able to do that.

Oh, what a shame. Oh!

Yes, it looks as if my sermon this morning had some effect.

How's that?

Well, look at you all,

so nice and relaxed...

A picture of contentment.

( all chuckling )

Yes, you all look as serene and relaxed as if, uh...

well, as if you'd just finished listening

to a pleasant band concert.

Yes.

( laughing )

Well, good, good.

I'm happy to see it.

Well, if you folks will excuse me,

I have to rush back to New York now.

Good-bye again.

( all say good-bye )

Come back. Oh, Reverend?

We ain't relaxed.

As a matter of fact, we're pooped.

You see, we tried to organize...

Gomer!

I beg your pardon?

Oh, nothing, Reverend.

Gomer was, uh...

Gomer was just saying, uh...

what's your hurry?

Oh... yes, yes.

( chuckling )

( laughing )

Bye, Reverend!

Bye! Good-bye.

We'll see you.

( engine starts )