04x03 - Ernest T. Bass Joins the Army

[bunniefuu]

( whistling sprightly tune )

Starring Andy Griffith...

with Ronny Howard.

Also starring Don Knotts.

How about lunch?

It's just : .

I know, but I'm hungry.

Let's wait a little while.

Hey, Mrs. MacKnight.

That ain't Mrs. MacKnight.

It is, too.

My goodness, she's fell off a lot, ain't she?

Yeah, she lost a lot of weight.

Doctor made her.

Yeah? Mm-hmm.

( chuckles ): Said her ankles

was too skinny to hold up all that heft.

Yeah.

( both chuckling )

( sighs ) Seems like right after they get married,

they let themselves go, don't they?

Yeah.

What do you say, lunch?

In a little bit.

Hey, Mrs. Deveraux.

Boy, that Mrs. Deveraux sure is ugly, ain't she?

Barney, she can't help it.

She's just as ugly as homemade soap.

You think Charlie Deveraux's so good looking?

Well, he's no prize.

But I don't know, in a man

you don't seem to notice it so much.

Lunch?

Not now.

Hey, Cece.

Well, that Cecil Gurney beats everything,

you know that. Yeah?

Yeah. Did you know he has two sets

of false teeth and he won't admit it?

Cece? Yeah?

He ain't got false teeth.

No? You just offer him

the first bite out of an apple

and watch him turn you down.

Oh, come on. Yeah, you just...

Oh, let's get out of here.

What's the matter?

Here comes that Viola Slatt.

Well, what about it?

Oh, she's the biggest gossip in this town.

She'll yak your head off.

Once she gets started,

you never hear the end of it.

( men yelling )

All right, boys, break it up, break it up! Break it up!

All right, boys, all right.

Back off, back off!

Come on, get out of there! Get back!

Come on, break it up!

Let go of me!

All right, wait a minute!

Ernest T. Bass?

One and the same, Bass is the name.

( cackling )

( yelling resumes )

What's goin' on?

I'm about to find out, Sergeant.

All right, Ernest T., what's this all about?

Well... He tried to get in front of the line!

He came up here like he own the sidewalk!

All right, boys, go ahead, get back in line.

I'll take care of it. Come on, settle down.

( clamoring voices ) Move! Move! Get back there!

Behave yourselves!

Ernest T., this is a soldierin' line.

What are you doing here?

I'm a-joinin' up.

Forward march! Left, face!

Now clean your g*n!

Oh, jump in the truck!

Hut-two, hut-two, hut... Hey, how's that sound?

It sounds like you're makin' trouble!

That's what it sounds like!

ANDY: The Army's no place for you, Ernest T.

Why don't you just go on home?

Go on home?

SERGEANT: Now wait a minute, Sheriff.

Don't send him home.

He came down here to join up.

We'll take any able-bodied man.

Yup, that's me, "able-bodied man."

I mean, it'd be to their honor to get a man

what could chin hisself times with just one hand...

what could dip into a barrel of water

and pick out a watermelon with his jaws...

and what could chuck a full-grown sick jackass

across his shoulders and tote him five miles to the doctor.

All right, fella, wait your turn.

Uh, Sergeant, could I speak with you for a minute?

Sure.

Uh, I-I know it's important for you

to get as many boys as you can,

but I really believe

you'd be makin' a mistake if you take this one.

He's curious.

He's a troublemaker, is what he is.

He's a nut.

A while back, he was goin' with a girl

up here in the mountains.

She married somebody else, and he got mad at him

and took rocks and busted every window in the house.

He even kidnapped the girl.

Well, he-he's a wrong one.

He's a nut.

Sounds like he's got a lot of spirit.

That's what we want.

Just tryin' to save you some trouble, is all.

Thanks, Sheriff, but we know

how to handle guys like that.

Okay.

Lunch?

Hey, Sheriff?

I'm gonna get me one of them greeny uniforms...

Lot of brass buttons

and one of them hats with a big badge in front.

( cackling )

♪ And you can't stop me ♪

Nyah!

All right, Ernest T.

Hey! Hey!

( sounding off gibberish )

( hollering )

( men yelling )

Once again, inhale.

Exhale.

Respiratory okay.

Turn around, please.

That, uh, right shoulder's

a little higher than the left one.

I can fix that for you, Doc.

Hey, hey!

( clamoring voices )

Come on! Settle down!

What are you trying to do, Bass?

Just tryin' to hep. Just tryin' to hep.

Can't do enough for our boys in khaki.

I'll take care of the medical problems, if you don't mind.

Uh, wait at the scales, please.

Next man.

Ernest T. Bass.

Speakin'.

Open, please.

Uh, hold on there, Mr. Medico.

You plannin' to prod inside my mouth

with that there stick?

That's right.

Well, uh... ( clears throat )

All right, you are welcome in there

but you leave your stick outside.

Do as you're told, Bass, and open up.

All right, but it ain't goin' to be as nice

as it would be if I had my gold tooth in there.

Oh, you've lost your tooth?

No, no, ain't bought it yet.

Savin' up for it, though.

Bass, shut your mouth and open it.

Open your mouth!

Well, Mr. Bass, you have all of your teeth.

Uh-huh. Where were you planning to put the gold one?

Oh, right here in front. See these three here?

I was goin' to knock them out,

put the gold one right in the center

leavin' space on each side.

That'd stand out better that way,

especially when I'm dancin'.

See that? See how it works?

I show my teeth a lot when I'm dancin'.

All right, Bass, that's enough!

Now, hold it down, you guys.

You stand here and let the doctor examine you.

Come on, you fellas, break it up!

All right, hold it down.

Say "ah."

Ah.

Uh, could you stretch that out a little for me?

Ahhh...

Ahhh...

Uh, no, no, that was just for the throat.

Oh, what do you want me to say for the ears?

Hush.

Hu... sh.

Just stand there quietly, Mr. Bass.

( giggles )

Uh, if you'll repeat the numbers you hear

uh, after me, please.

Hmm. Got that?

Oh, I got it. I got it. I got it.

( whispering ): .

( whispering ): .

Forty-two. Forty-two.

Ninety-three. Ninety-three.

Twenty-eight.

Twenty-eight.

Thirty-two. Thirty-two.

Thirty... , , ,

, , , !

That's fine. Yeah!

Bass! You're supposed to be standing over there.

If I'd have did that, I might not have heard him.

( men laughing ) At ease!

Next man.

Boy, was that sheriff ever right about you.

Okay, buddy, out!

Well, what do you mean, "out"?

Out. We're turning you down.

I ain't in?

I ain't... I ain't gonna get my uniform?

That's right.

Oh, you're gonna be sorry.

Oh, I'm gonna get you.

I'm gonna get you all.

I'm gonna get you, and you and you!

I'm gonna get you!

I'm gonna get you!

I'm gonna get your stick, too!

Oh, I'm gonna get you all!

I'll get every one of you...

And I'm gonna get that sheriff, too.

Oh, I'll get you all!

You're gonna be sorry. I'll get you.

Oh, I'll get you, get you, get you!

I'm gonna get...

Well, I don't know how they do it for cents.

I don't either, I'll tell you. ( sighs )

Three Vienna sausages, heavy on the tomato puree,

a slice of bread and butter on a paper disk.

And more than an ample portion of succotash.

Don't leave out the succotash.

Yeah.

You know, when you get a good meal like that

and as good a service as Olive gives you,

you don't mind leaving a generous tip.

Did you leave a tip?

Well, yeah, a quarter.

I did, too.

A quarter?

Yeah.

Well, Andy, didn't you see me put a quarter down?

That was supposed to be for the both of us.

I'll be dogged.

Oh, what the heck? It's just a quarter.

Well, no, Andy, that's just throwing money away.

Look, I'll just run back over there

and put my hat down on one of the quarters and get it back.

Barney, that's not necessary.

Poor old Olive's a widow with four children.

She can use it.

Oh, yeah, I forgot about that.

Bless her heart.

Let's just let her keep it.

You're all heart, you know that, Barn?

Well... Howdy, Sergeant.

Sheriff.

What's the matter?

Ernest T. Bass is what's the matter.

You were right. What did he do?

We turned him down, and he busted a window.

I told you.

Said he was gonna

get even with all of us, especially you.

( groans )

I'd like to stick around and give you a hand,

but I'm due up at Mount Pilot.

Looks like he's your problem, Sheriff.

Thanks.

Don't mention it.

We'll stay on a number two amber alert.

What's that?

One of us awake at all times.

Come on, let's get after him! Wait a minute!

"It's all your fault

"I didn't get my uniform, Sheriff.

"I'm goin' to break

"every window in the state to get even.

Ernest T. Bass, ex-serviceman."

( Ernest cackling )

Come on!

( Ernest cackling madly )

( cackling madly )

( cackling continues )

Look at him go.

He's a strange one.

He's a wild man.

He's a nut.

If you ask me, we're going about

this thing all wrong... Waitin' for

Ernest T. Bass to do something!

It's just wrong! It's wrong!

Relax, Barney.

Relax, nothin'!

You never can tell what that nut might do.

I think we ought to throw a dragnet

over the whole town.

Form a posse and throw a dragnet, what do you think?

It's not necessary, Barney.

We ought to go after him with bloodhounds and tear gas.

You're talking about a silly little runt

with a rock in his hand, not John Dillinger.

Now, will you relax?

Andy, I'm a man with police adrenaline.

Call it what you will,

but the inner man is ever ready

and there's nothing I can do about it.

Darn, darn!

He thinks he can shake us up

by not doing anything, huh?

Well, if he thinks he's gonna get on our nerves

with all this suspense, he's got another thing comin'.

I'll tell you that.

Well, try not to get shook up.

I ain't shook up.

( phone rings )

Courthouse, Sheriff Taylor.

Yeah, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Right.

Okay.

Thanks, Merlin.

Well?

Merlin Gracey saw a fella

break a streetlight in front of Miss Mingus's house.

Let's move. Not so fast, not so fast.

But Andy, we can nail him if we hustle.

I doubt it. Ernest T. ain't about to break a streetlight

then stand around in the dark looking for his rock.

Let's just wait till a few more calls come in

to find out what direction he's headed.

( phone rings ) But Andy...

Sheriff's office.

Right, Hannah Lou, we'll get him.

Just broke two panels

out of Hannah Lou Smith's greenhouse.

He's coming this way.

We'll wait for him at the corner of

Pine and Main. All right.

( phone rings )

Sheriff's office.

Uh-huh.

Okay. Right, Richie.

He's coming closer. He just broke the window

out of Richie Ferarra's hardware store.

You go out the front, I'll go around the back.

All right.

( cackling )

Come on, Deputy, come on!

( cackling )

If I... If I'd seen you was comin',

I'd have knowed what to do.

I'd have ris both arms, and I'd have wove at you.

( mocking laughter )

Ain't very fast on your feet, is you?

All right, you stand still, Ernest T. Bass

and that's an order!

If a duck stands still, you can catch him by the bill.

( quacking )

All right, in the name of the law, I order you to surrender.

Surrender?

( cackling madly )

That's it, I'll tell you what I'll do, Deputy.

I'll tell you what I'll do.

I-I'll give you a chance to catch me.

Come on, come on, come on, Deputy.

Come on, Deputy, come on...

All right! All right!

( yelling )

I got him! Get his feet!

( all yelling )

Okay, we got him.

What do you think you're doing?!

( indistinct shouting )

Let me out! You got no business puttin' me in...

You're in here, you might as well make the best of it...

Never mind that. You kept me out of my uniform...

Be quiet!

Now, you might as well just make the best of it.

Well, what are you fixin' on doin',

now you got me all clankered up in here?

Oh, just simmer down!

We haven't figured that out yet!

Try to get some sleep, or something.

Barney will bring you some breakfast in the morning.

Maybe.

( screeching like a monkey )

High-strung, you know that?

He's a nut.

Oh, good morning, Barney.

Hi, Olive.

Nice day, huh?

I'll say.

Say, you and Andy left an extra quarter yesterday.

I'm sure it was a mistake.

What do you mean, mistake?

That was your tip.

Two quarters? But you never in your life...

Olive!

Who do you think you're dealing with?

A couple of pikers?

You got yourself a half a "C" tip.

Enjoy it.

I appreciate it.

Let's see, I'm not too hungry this morning.

I'll just have, uh,

orange juice, a bowl of cereal...

stack of wheats, three eggs over.

Make sure they ain't runny, now.

Right.

Bacon on the crisp side, white toast, buttered,

hash brown potatoes and coffee.

Coffee now.

It does my heart good to see a thin person eat.

( mutters )

( man humming )

You want to pass me that sugar, fella?

Here you are.

Bass!

One and the same.

What are you doing here? How'd you get out?

That's for me to know, and for you to find out.

You get on your feet!

All right, who got the spare key out of

the desk for you? Come on, spill!

Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies.

You're going right back in that cell.

Yeah, I'm just gonna get right out again.

Oh, no you ain't! Not this time! All right, reach!

I'm sorry you had to see this, Olive.

All right, come on, move, move!

Out that door, there! Come on!

All right, you won't get out this time, Bass.

( chuckling )

( cackling softly )

Hello, Sarah? This is Deputy Fife.

Get me Sheriff Taylor's house.

( cackling softly )

Andy, Barn. Did you let Ernest T. Bass out

of his cell to have breakfast?

ANDY: Course not.

Well, he got out somehow. I picked him up at the diner.

Well, you better come up here and get me.

Lock the cell and double-check it.

And take both sets of keys with you.

Don't worry, I double-checked her already.

He won't get out this time. I'll see you in a minute.

If you can get out of here now, you're a magician.

Allakazam...

( shouts ): A-roo!

Now, cut that out!

( glass shattering )

( Ernest cackling )

( glass shattering )

( cackling )

How'd he get out?

I don't know.

Maybe he is a magician.

( screeching and cackling )

Come on.

Well, he can't just disappear into thin air.

Maybe he got enough revenge

and went on back to the mountains.

I wish we could count on that.

You sure you locked that cell door?

Well, Andy, I gave it a triple security check,

and I locked the keys in the filing cabinet.

Hmm, wait a minute.

Huh?

ANDY: New window for the courthouse.

Boy, if he's in town

he won't be able to pass that up.

Let's follow a ways and see if he shows.

Yeah.

Hold it! Hold it!

Don't do that, Ernest T., please!

Th-That's the new glass for our courthouse.

I'll handle this, Andy.

Stand back! All right, Bass!

I'm gonna break that glass! You better set it down!

You stand back, Bass, just stand back!

Stand aside, Deputy. I'm gonna break that glass!

No, you ain't! Yes, I am!

No you ain't! Yes...

Now you drop that rock and you get over here!

( hooting )

Well, are you just gonna stand there

and let him get away?

( car horn honking )

( cackling )

All right, smart guy!

( door shuts )

What the...?

It's locked.

And the keys are in the filing cabinet.

All right, Ernest T.

How you keep gettin' in and out of here?

Come on, Bass, speak up!

I ain't talkin', I ain't talkin'.

The more you're askin', the more I'm balkin'. ( chuckles )

What are we gonna do with him?

I don't know.

Dag-burn you, Ernest T!

I got you kind of nervous and angry, didn't I?

You ain't kidding, buddy.

Now I know you're mad and upset

'cause the Army won't take you.

Yeah, and it's all your fault.

Ain't you had enough revenge now?

I just whettin' my appetite, is all.

And I'm gonna keep on gettin' out of here

till you get the Army to give me my uniform.

It wouldn't work, Ernest T.

Now suppose you was in the Army right now.

Not being one to follow rules

you'd be in and out of trouble the whole time you was in there.

I wasn't fixin' on goin' in no Army.

What?

No, I'm just gonna get me my uniform,

go on home and stay.

( clears throat )

Let me get this clear in my mind.

Huh?

You mean all you want is a uniform?

ERNEST T.: Is all.

BARNEY: Well, what for?

Girls.

And love.

You know what is the truth, Sheriff?

As clever and as good-lookin' as I am, I...

I just... can't get a girl.

You can't, huh?

Oh, there's three or four girls

back up in the mountains that would be mine,

if I had a uniform.

You ought to see them flit around ol' Jelsic Sturm

when he come back home with his uniform.

"Jelsic, walk with me. Jelsic, dance with me.

Jelsic, kiss my mouth."

Girls.

That's why you want a uniform?

Yeah, I could've been hitched by now,

if I only had one.

I got everything else but.

I got looks, brains, personality.

I kiss good.

The only thing standing 'twixt me and sweet romance

is a uniform.

I wonder where we can find a small-sized uniform.

No, no, no... Now, Andy, listen.

I had this made in Raleigh.

This is genuine whiplash cord.

Andy...

Much obliged, Sheriff.

You're more than welcome, Ernest T.

( "You're in the Army Now" plays )

Forward, march! Clean your g*ns!

Jump in the truck...

There goes a happy man.

There goes a happy nut.

Hey, Andy. Come here a minute.

What? Come here!

I want to show you something.

What's that?

That is Ernest T. Bass's key.

A little fork?

That's what he used to get in and out of here.

Hmm.

What did you do that for?

Give me the fork.

Oh, come on, Barney. Wait a minute, Andy.

Wait a minute. You're just wasting time.

Watch how this slips in there.

See that? Oh, come on, Barney.

Now, don't throw me off, Andy.

See how that presses against the tumblers there?

Yeah, watch this. Watch...

Will-will you just... Wait a minute, Andy.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

I got it. I got it. This is it.

( clicks )

You satisfied?

Now give me the key.

Where's the key?

Uh... well, it's in the... in the filing cabinet.

( sighs ) What do you suggest we do now?

Help.

Help!

Help!

Well, yell, Andy.

Help!

Help! Help!