04x02 - The Haunted House

[bunniefuu]

with Ronny Howard.

Also starring Don Knotts.

Yes, sir, ol' Whitey Ford just sliced

his two ol' fingers right along that old seam there...

twists it like this... and whammo!

That ol' ball just dipsy-doodled

up and down and around.

Ain't nobody gonna hit it.

Except old Mickey Mantle.

He'd step right up with his special grip

with his old bat and whammo!

Right out of the park.

Not if Whitey gave him that there dipsy-doodle.

Sure he would.

Toss it at me.

I'll show you.

I don't want to lose it.

It's a new ball.

You won't lose it.

Yeah, that's right.

You won't be able to hit it.

It went into the Rimshaw house.

Yeah.

You go get it.

You go get it.

I said it first.

Your not a-scared, are you?

I'll go if you'll go.

What if there's spooks?

There won't be any spooks.

Not in the daylight.

Come on.

( door creaks closed )

Well, we're almost there.

Yeah.

Who believes in spooks anyhow?

You goin'?

You goin'?

I asked you first.

I will if you will.

Okay.

( ghostly moaning )

What was that?

( ghostly moaning again )

You can go, Otis.

Wait a minute, Otis.

Just hold it.

He don't look too steady to me.

I don't think he's sober.

ANDY: Well, he's all right.

Well, I think we ought to make him take a sobriety test.

Have him blow up one of them balloons

or have his blood checked or something,

to see is he's steady.

We don't even have any balloons.

I got just the thing

to see if he can maneuver.

What's that?

We'll make him jump rope.

If he can do that,

then he's steady enough to be turned loose.

All right, Otis, step outside.

You ain't goin' to string me up

for just a little drinkin'... That ain't right.

Don't be silly! This is to jump rope with.

Oh, why didn't you... Jump rope?!

It's a sobriety test.

Now here, hold this end and I'll show you.

Oh, do I have to, Andy?

It looks like.

Either that, or you tell us

where you been getting all that moonshine.

Oh, I can't do that.

Well, then you'll have to jump, it's just that simple.

( groaning )

All right, Ange, hold this end. Okay.

Need help turnin'. Okay.

All right, watch careful, Otis.

Okay, go ahead, turn.

( singsongy ): Call for the doctor, call for the nurse!

Call for the lady with the alligator purse!

People see me doing that,

they'll think I'm really drunk.

You'll do it or you don't leave!

Now get over there.

( groans )

Come on, turn, Ange.

( singsongy ): Slow it down and let me in

or I'll go out and get some gin.

Now cut that out!

OPIE: Paw!

We heard it, Paw! We heard it!

Whoa! Heard what?

Up at the Rimshaw house.

The Rimshaw house?!

I thought I told you boys to stay away from there.

That old place is not safe.

You're right, Paw, it sure ain't.

'Cause it's full of ghosts.

We heard them.

They went: ( imitates ghostly moaning )

What were you doin' in there

in the first place?

We hit a baseball in through the window.

And when we went to get it, that's when we heard them.

They went: ( imitates ghostly moaning )

I'm surprised at you all.

Great big boys like you

all this talk about ghosts.

Probably just the wind blowin'.

Course that's all it was.

Just the wind.

What else could it be?

Now, like the sheriff says, you're big boys now.

You can't go through life

bein' scared of your own shadow.

That's right.

Like I always said

"there's nothing to fear but fear itself."

You boys remember that now

and stay away from the Rimshaw place.

Run on.

What about my baseball?

Oh, we'll see about your baseball.

Run on.

Actually, what you should've done

is sent them back up there to get that ball.

That'll cure them of the squidgets.

You know, like when a horse throws you,

you get right back on.

Yeah, well, I don't want the boys

foolin' around up there, though.

Dangerous.

Probably a lot of loose floorboards and everything.

Yeah, well, still, it might've done 'em some good.

Well...

Uh, hey, Barn?

How about you goin' up there

and gettin' the ball for the boys?

Me?

Yeah.

You mean, you want me to go up to that haunted hou...

up to the Rimshaw place?

Well, like I say,

I don't want the boys foolin' around up there.

Oh, yeah, well, yeah.

Yeah, well, oh, I'll be glad to...

but don't you think...

I mean, Opie bein' your boy and all...

That it'd be better if, uh...

well, teach him better, if you went up?

Well, I would go, but I've got this important call

comin' in from the capital, so I can't go.

Well...

yeah, well, then I'll just, uh... run on over there.

I'll get my hat.

( clears throat ) Well, I'm goin'.

I'll see you.

I'll see you.

I can't leave!

I've got to give Otis his sobriety test.

Well, Barney, I... You can't do it, Andy!

You don't know the verses or anything.

Hey, Barney...

could it be that you're shyin' away

from goin' to the Rimshaw place?

Shyin' away?!

Aw, come on, Andy!

You heard what I told them boys!

Standin' right back there.

You heard what I told 'em.

Then you're goin'?

Of course I'm goin'!

The first chance I get.

Well, go ahead.

I'm goin'!

Hey, fellers.

Hey, Gomer.

Them batteries you ordered just come in.

Oh, thanks.

Gomer? Huh?

Are you busy?

Uh-uh.

How would you like

to go for a little ride with me?

Yeah, I'd like that.

Give me the keys.

So, you're takin' Gomer with you, are you?

Well, of course I'm takin' Gomer...

For the boys' sake.

That way both of us can show 'em

there's nothin' to be afraid of.

You beat everything.

You know that?

What are we doin' here?

Uh... the boys lost a baseball in there.

Why don't you run on up and get it?

Well...

Ain't you comin', Barney?

No, I got to check the timer.

This darn engine's been runnin' kind of rough...

I'll check the engine. You go get the ball.

I'll check the engine! I said it first!

You never mentioned one thing about comin' up here.

All right, if you're gonna be that scaredy-cat about it,

come on and I'll go with you!

( whispering ): I don't see no baseball.

( whispering ): They said it went inside.

( still whispering ): Go ahead.

Age before beauty.

( creaking )

( whispering ): I don't see no baseball in there, do you?

( eerie moaning )

What was that?

I don't know.

Whatever it was, it didn't sound like no baseball.

( moaning continues )

Did you get the baseball?

Did you get the baseball?

( gulping, panting )

I needed that.

Now, don't tell me

the Rimshaw place has got to you, too?

Look, Andy, when old man Rimshaw died,

he said he didn't want that place disturbed.

And I think we ought to respect the wishes

of the dear departed.

Are you tryin' to tell me

that you believe that place is haunted?

All I'm sayin' is that there are some things

beyond the ken of mortal man that shouldn't be tampered with.

We don't know everything, Andy.

There's plenty goin' on right now, in the twilight zone,

that we don't know anything about

and I think we ought to stay clear.

Wasn't it you that said

there's nothing to fear but fear itself?

Well, that's exactly what I got... fear itself.

Barn...

Look, I'll buy him another baseball.

I tell you, I can go along with Barney on this.

I don't want any part of that Rimshaw house.

They say the walls move

and pictures with eyes follow you all around the room

and axes float in the air...

Oh, no, not for me.

Mm-mm! No!

Huh?

Well, I'll tell you what we'll do:

Soon as my call comes in from the capital,

we'll get Gomer,

and me and you and Gomer will all go over there,

and I'll guarantee you

all we'll find in there is a baseball.

( door creaking )

There it is.

( nervously ): What?

The baseball.

Shazam.

Let's get out of here.

Let's look around a little bit.

I wonder what's in there.

I'll see what's in there.

You all stay here.

( floorboards creaking )

See anything, Gomer?

Gomer?

Gome?

Gomer!

Gomer!

Gomer!

Gomer! Gomer! Gome...!

What's the matter?

Andy, Andy! Gomer's gone!

He was here one minute, and gone the next.

Now do you believe what I told you about this place?!

Huh, now do you believe me?!

Gomer!

Gomer!

He must've gone back to the car.

He couldn't! He would've had to go past me.

I tell you, somethin' awful's happened to Gomer.

He was here one minute and gone the next.

Oh, he probably stepped in a closet or somethin'.

Well, where do we look for him?

Who y'all lookin' for?

Where you been?

I don't know; I stepped in a closet or somethin'.

See.

Sure was a funny closet.

If you hadn't give me that push,

I never would've found my way out.

Well, that's all ri...

I didn't give you no push.

You didn't?

Well, somebody or somethin' did.

Funny, this wallpaper torn in just the one place.

Kind of warm, too.

Maybe some old tramp's been in here,

lightin' fires in the fireplace.

Andy, look up there.

That's old man Rimshaw himself.

Rimshaw?

Ain't he the one that put chains on his hired man

and then done away with him?

With an ax.

An ax?

Shazam!

( whispering ): Andy, Andy...

them eyes... in that painting...

they're starin' at us.

I don't see nothin' so strange about it.

I tell you, they moved.

They were lookin' right at me.

That's probably just the way the light strikes it.

Now, Andy, you got that baseball,

there's nothin' to keep us here.

Except maybe you're right

about some old tramp stayin' here.

Let's have a look around.

I'll look upstairs, you all look in the cellar.

I reckon the cellar would be downstairs.

Come on.

That's just the lighting,

like Andy said.

That's just the lighting.

Like Andy said.

( door creaks )

That's just an ax.

That don't mean it's the same one that, uh...

Yeah, it's probably just the lightin'.

Well, that's the cellar there.

Yeah, that's the cellar, all right.

Any old tramps down there?

None down there.

( door creaks )

( door creaks )

Everything all right?

Everything's fine.

Knock on wood.

( three thumps )

( knocks three times )

( three thumps )

You're right.

This is no place for us. Let's get outta here!

All clear.

Did you see them scramble?

They run even faster than them kids this afternoon.

I'm gonna be able

to run that still downstairs for years.

This place gets 'em all.

It would me, too,

if I believed that story about that ax m*rder.

Yeah. It didn't hurt to spread that rumor

about that ax still floatin' around this place.

How about that?

Yeah, how about that?

Have a snort.

Yeah, why not?

It's true... There it is!

What's that?

I don't know.

Where do you suppose Andy is?

I don't know; I thought he came out with us.

Maybe he never did come out.

Do you think he's still in there?

I guess that makes you sheriff now.

We, we can't leave him in there.

I gotta go back!

You keep an eye out here.

I'll go around the back way.

That picture, those eyes, they're lookin' right at me.

Well, this time, they ain't mine.

Let's get outta here!

( eerie moaning )

ANDY: Barney, wait, it's okay. It's me.

Barn! Barn!

Andy, was that you?

Oh, I was just lookin' around a little.

Oh, I thought you was Rimshaw.

It was probably just the light.

What's goin' on here?

Let's get this ax down.

Huh?

We got to bust up a still.

A still?

Oh, moonshiners.

So that's what it is.

You know, I thought it was something along them very lines.

I was just tryin'...

Sheriff Taylor?

Yes, sir?

Federal Agent Bowton.

Alcohol Control Division.

Oh, glad to meet you.

Understand you picked up Big Jack Anderson.

Yeah. Sure glad to hear it.

We've been trying to get that moonshiner for years.

Well, we got him.

Don't know how you did it.

He's tricky and a mighty rough customer, too.

Well, there's three of us:

There's me, and my deputy, Barney Fife;

and Gomer Pyle helped out.

Well, they deserve a lot of credit.

Good to know that we've got law enforcement officers

made of tough stuff.

That's what we need out here today...

Good, rough, tough, rugged officers.

Yeah. They're right inside. Want to meet 'em?

Sure would. Come on.

BARNEY: My mother, your mother,

lives across the way.

Every night, every night, this is what she'd say:

Knick-knack, soda cr*cker, diddly-diddly-do!

Knick-knack, soda cr*cker, I love you!