07x02 - The Lodge

[bunniefuu]

There you are.

Oh.

Well...
What say, Howard?

Afternoon, Andy.
Afternoon.

Yeah.

Oh, excuse the mess here.

I'm refiling birth certificates.

It certainly is fascinating.
Really fascinating.

It must be.

Yeah. Came across
an interesting fact.

Did you know that,
in the past years,

girl births have outnumbered
boy births by %?

Now, that's practically
two to one.

Well, no.
I didn't know that.

But I'll tell you one thing,
I like the odds.

Pardon?

Nothing. I just, uh...

Oh.

Oh. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Uh, is there anything
I can do for you?

No. I was just
k*lling time.

Want a cup of coffee?

I don't mind if I do.

Come on in.
Okay.

Don't lose your place there.

I always enjoy a coffee break

this time of day.

It's, uh, kind
of a change of pace.

Yeah, yeah, it is.

Black?

Yeah, black.

Yeah, you know, you take
a little cup of coffee now,

work a couple more hours,

and then it's time
to go home and eat supper.

Yeah, yeah.

Mm.

Oh, I see where
they got a wild one

over at the show tonight.

Yeah?

Something about blondes.

Uh-oh.

Are you going?

No. I can't tonight,
I got a lodge meeting,

but if they hold it over,
you want to go tomorrow night?

Oh, well, I...

Yeah.

You say you got
a lodge meeting, huh?

Yeah.

The regal order
of the golden door

...to good fellowship.
To good fellowship?

Right.

I guess I never
been much of a joiner.

Well, like they say, you know,

some are and some aren't.

Yeah, yeah.

Uh...

Uh...

What do you do over
at the lodge there, Andy?

Uh, we horse around.

Horse around, huh?

Yeah.

Gee, that sounds
like a lot of fun.

I never done much
horsing around myself.

Well, like I say,
I mean, you know

some guys do and some don't.

Would you like to join?

Well, as a matter of fact,
it did enter my mind.

No kidding.

Well, why don't you come
and go with me tonight?

You know, you can
meet some of the fellows

let them meet you

and kind of get
to know you a little bit.

Oh, fine, fine.

Okay?
Yeah.

Howard.

Oh, hello, mother.

Oh, hello, Andrew.

Miss sprague.

Must things be
so messy here, Howard?

Well, I was just doing
some refiling, mother.

Oh, I made a dinner
reservation at ching Lee's.

Oh? Mother and I always
eat out Wednesday nights.

Oh, that's nice.

What time is the meeting, Andy?

: .

Meeting?

Yes. Andy very kindly
asked me if I'd like

to go to the lodge
with him tonight.

The lodge?

Yes. Possibly to join.

Oh, really?

I'd kind of like to join.

Of course you would.

So, if we could eat
a little earlier...?

Just what is it you do
at this lodge, Andrew?

We horse around.

"Horse around"?

Well, I mean,
we get together, see,

all the members,
and we hold a meeting

and then we serve refreshments,
we play checkers and cards

and tell jokes... clean.

Sounds fascinating.

Howard, is there really any
purpose in you joining a lodge?

After all, you do have
so many other interests...

Your work and your music.

After all, it seems to me that
an organization like this

is for people who have
nothing to, uh...

Nothing to...

Well, I really would

kind of like to join,
mother, you know,

and spend some more time
with the fellows.

Well, Howard, if that's
really what you want,

far be it from me
to stand in your way.

It's so nice of you, Andrew,

to invite Howard
to join your little group.

You know, I think that's
a wonderful idea,

taking Howard to the lodge
meeting tonight.

He should get out more often.

Yeah, he's real anxious to join.

Of course, I don't think
it'll set very well

with...ahem,
you-know-who.

Mrs. Sprague?

Uh, yes, Opie,

you see,
Mrs. Sprague...

Well, Howard is her
only son and she's...

She's got a ring in his nose

and she's pulling him
around by it?

Opie, where did you ever
hear talk like that?

You said it the other day.

Mnh-mnh.

I did?

Well, we'll keep our opinions

in the family, won't we?

I wasn't going to tell anybody.

Hmm. See, ope,
it's just that, ahem,

it's just that, well,
Mrs. Sprague is, uh,

well, she likes Howard
to stay close at home.

Oh, there he is.

There he is.
Goodbye!

Bye, paw.
Have a good time!

Come on in, Howard.
Here.

You sit down right here.

Now, just wait. I'll be
right back in a minute.

Right.

You're the keeper of the door?

Yeah... this month.

Request permission to enter

the golden door
to good fellowship.

Qualify yourself
to enter the golden door.

:
Geronimo.

What?

Geronimo.

Enter in the name
of good fellowship.

Well, hello, there, Andy.

Cyrus. Hey, listen,
listen, fellows.

Could I have your attention
for a minute?

Brother lodge members,

I'd like to sponsor
a candidate for membership.

Now, most of you know him

and he's an upstanding
member of the community.

He holds the office
of county clerk.

Name's Howard sprague.

Oh, yeah.
Sure, we know Howard.

Listen, why don't I just
go out and bring him in

and you can get a chance to know
him a little better, okay?

Bring him
on in, Andy.

Howard, come on.
Come on in.

Andy.

Oh. Request permission
to enter the golden door

with nonmember.

Enter in the name
of good fellowship.

Hey, fellows, fellows.

Howard, I'd like you
to meet Lou and Charlie

and all the boys

and Cyrus tankersley,
our lodge president.

Well, nice you could
drop in, Howard.

Well, I certainly
enjoy being here.

You just make yourself
right at home.

We're just sitting around
swapping some jokes.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, we could use some new ones.
You know any, Howard?

Well, as a matter of fact,

my mother heard one
at the garden club

the other day.

Once upon a time...

We ought to circulate
and meet all the fellows.

We'll see you guys
after a while.

I wonder how come

his mother let him out tonight.

You want something to drink?

Drink?

You can have anything you want.

You can have a beer,
a soft drink, root beer.

Oh, a root beer
would hit the spot.

Oh, okay. Come on.

It's nice to have
you with us, Howard.

Oh, thank you.

How's the old county
clerk tonight?

Yeah, fine, fine.

Howard was telling me
an interesting thing.

According to the birth records,

girls are outnumbering the boys
almost two to one.

Is that so?

Yeah.

I like the odds.

Goodnight, Howard.
Nice seeing you.

Night, Cyrus. Night.
Good night, fellows.

Nice to have you with us.

Well, Andy, what do you think?

How'd I do?

Well, I think you did fine.

I'd say better than average.

Yeah? Say, Andy, I'm sorry
I stole your joke.

Oh, that's all right.

Good night, Howard.
It's good to see you.

Goodnight, Tom.

Night, night.

Well, what happens next?

Well, we'll meet
tomorrow night, see,

and we'll take a vote.

And then what happens?

Well, then we'll send
you a letter,

letting you know the results.

A letter, huh?

Well, you really think
I'll make it?

I really think you will, Howard.

I really do,
and that's the truth.

Night, goob.

Night, Andy. Howard.

Mother?
How come you're still up?

Well, I wanted to wait up
for you, dear.

Oh.

Well, how did it go?

Oh, fine, fine.

Andy says I'm as good as in.

Course, it only takes one
blackball to keep you out,

but Andy says I don't have
anything to worry about.

There ain't a thing
to worry about.

Everybody likes him real good.

Oh, but that's not what
I'm concerned about, goober.

It's all that card playing
you do over there.

Well, uh...

Goober...

Goober, I'm going to
tell you something

that nobody knows
anything about but myself.

Not even Howard.

Okay.

Howard's father, rest his soul...

You didn't know him, did you?

No, ma'am.

Wonderful man.

Such a good husband
and father...

Up until the time he was .

Well, what happened then?

Oh! Oh.

What happened then?

He got into a card game
down at the hotel.

It started out just
a friendly little game.

Well, by dinnertime,
he was still playing.

It was like a fever.
He had to gamble.

They played until :
in the morning.

And then it was every night.

Pretty soon, day and night.

He lost his job,

the respect of the community...

Nothing was ever
the same after that.

That's just awful,
Mrs. Sprague.

And Howard is so much
like his father.

It's in the blood.

That's why I've always
kept him away

from any kind of cards.

Well, I can understand why.

And now, now that Howard's

going to be a member
of that lodge,

where they play cards,

I'm afraid his fate is sealed.

Yes'm, that's bad.

Oh, if only there was some way

to keep Howard
out of that lodge...

For his own good, of course.

Yeah.

Thank you, goober,
for listening to me.

It's so comforting

to talk to someone
who understands.

You're welcome.

Be seated.

Will the secretary

read the minutes
of the last meeting?

"The last meeting
was called to order

"at : P.M.
with members present.

"Since there was no
business to be conducted,

"some of the fellers went home,

"other ones just hung around.

After a while,
the meeting was adjourned."

So much for the minutes.

Will the secretary
state the new business?

The most important
new business we got

is to vote on a new member...

Howard sprague.

Will the voting proctor
bring forth

the good fellowship voting box
and the marbles.

Please rise
and let the voting begin.

Will the proctor
open the voting box

and inform the membership
of the result.

White...

White...

White...

White...

White...

He's in like Flynn.

White...

White...

White...

Black?

Somebody's blackballed
Howard sprague.

Just one black ball.

I don't understand it.

I just don't understand it.

I don't know why anybody

wouldn't want Howard
in the lodge.

It's a real pity.

Yeah. It beats me.

Did you read about this fella
up in mt. Pilot?

Somebody stole his house
while he was at work.

Did any of the fellas
say anything to you

about how they didn't want
Howard in the lodge?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

He seemed to get on real good
with everyone.

This fella came home from work
and his house was gone...

Disappeared in thin air.

Oh, yes! Of course.

That makes sense.

That's who did it.
Who did it?

A trailer thief.

A trailer thief?

It turns out this fella
had a house trailer

and the thief just
hitched it onto a car

and drove it off.

Well, I'm going
to nose around town.

Wait a minute, while
you're nosing around,

will you just take
a look at my house

and make sure it's still there?

Nobody's going to steal
your house, Floyd.

I'll check it.

Hey, Andy.

Oh, oh, hi, Howard.

Say, Andy, I sure
enjoyed that meeting

at the lodge the other night.

Yeah. Yeah.

All that good fellowship
and everything.

Yeah, that's...

Telling jokes
and drinking root beer.

Yeah.

Why, that, that...
That was good root beer.

Well, yeah,
it was... it was...

Well...

Say, Andy.

I bought a joke book.

Oh.

Well, that's...
That's good.

Listen, I'll see you.

I got to go.

See you.

Morning, Floyd.

Floyd, how are you?

Oh, Howard.

Yeah.

Boy, I... I sure
enjoyed the meeting

the other night.

What meeting was that?

The lodge meeting.

Oh. Oh,
the lodge meeting.

Boy, it was a lot of fun

and I liked all the fellas, too,

and sitting around,
drinking root beer.

Root beer. Oh, yes.

Root beer is good
for a person. Yes.

It's healthy,
got a lot of herbs...

You know who invented it?

The Indians invented root beer.

And there's one thing for sure...

You don't see many sick Indians.

Yeah, yeah, that's right.
You don't.

Yeah, that's right.

Yeah.

Hey. Hey, Andy.
Want a lube job?

No, goob.

I can do it in a hurry.
I got one last week.

Oh.

You got any idea who
blackballed Howard sprague?

No. Hey,
we got a special on.

Free brake adjustment
with every wash job.

I just don't understand it.

You know what
I think we ought to do?

Get Cyrus to call
a special meeting tonight.

A special meeting?

Yeah. Nothing formal,
just get the guys together

and talk to them a little bit.

Yeah. Yeah,
that's what we'll do.

I'll see you tonight, goob.

Yeah.

I know they're not
going to ask me to join.

If you could just have seen

the way they all avoided me.

Now, dear, you could have
just been imagining things.

If you want me to be
perfectly honest,

I think you'd be
much better off,

not getting in... let's face it.

They're just not your type.

You're a cut above
every one of them.

I'm sorry, mother,

but I just don't agree with you.

Howard? Howard,
where are you going?

Out for a walk.
I won't be long.

Button your coat.

Howard, button your coat!

Hey, uh...
Hey, fellas?

Fellas, fellas...
Hey, wait a minute.

Wait a minute, fellas.

Now, uh... I know
I don't have any...

Any right to talk
to you like this,

but I'm going to, anyway.

I know that we've got a right

to say who we want in the lodge
and who we don't

but I've spoken
to just about everybody today

and nobody will admit
to blackballing Howard sprague.

A fine boy! He's good
to his mother.

Yeah. Now, we've blackballed
other fellas in the past,

but we all knew the reason why.

Yeah.

Hi, goober.

Oh. Hey, Howard.

I was just wandering around

and saw the light.

Oh.

Thought I'd come in
and say howdy.

Oh, yeah.
Howdy.

Howdy.

So maybe it'd be a good idea
for us to give Howard a call

and bring him over here again

and let everybody get
to know him better

and then whoever blackballed him

might get a chance to change
his mind

yeah.

Well, goober, I guess
I better be going.

Oh, yeah. Well,
uh... I'll see ya.

See ya.

Hey, Howard!

Hey, I was just
going to go call you.

You were?

Yeah. Come on in.
All the fellas are here.

Is it all right?

Sure. They're just sitting
around playing cards.

Come on.

He can't go in!

What are you talking about?

Well, I mean...
Well, it's, uh...

Look, keep him here
for a minute.

I got to do something.

Quick! Hide your cards!
Hide your cards!

Well, come on, everybody.
Put them away! Put them away!

Hey, what's going on here?

I tell you, you've got to
stop playing cards!

Oh, why did you do that?

I had little and big casino.

Put them away, quick!
Come on!

Come on, stop it.

He can't see card playing!
Can't you hear me?

Come on!

Stop playing cards!

What's going on?
What's got into you?

Well, I just had to do it, Andy.

I didn't want him
to turn out like his daddy.

What are you talking about?

Well, you know, gambling,

playing stud poker and all that.

I think we'd better have
a little talk, goober.

Come on.

So I figured, if he
seen the fellers

playing cards like that,

it'd just be the end
of everything for him.

But none of that story's true.

My father only played gin rummy

and he always
played that with mother.

He never gambled.

But your mother told me that...

Yes, but my mother, she...

His, uh... his mother tends
to exaggerate a little bit.

Isn't that right, Howard?

Yes. Yes, she does.

That's it...
That's it, exactly.

Gosh, I guess I was wrong...

No, you did the right thing,
under the circumstances.

I did?
Sure.

'Cause I didn't really
want to blackball him.

Well, why don't we go in, huh?

Hey. Hey, fellas, fellas,
uh... I'd like to announce

that there's been
a misunderstanding.

Now, there's no point
in going into details,

but I'd just like to inform you

that the blackball
has been removed.

Which, uh... means, Howard,
that you are now

an official member
of the regal order

of the golden door
to good fellowship.

Well, what have you got to say

for yourself, Howard?

Well, I sure could use
one of those root beers.

Well, Howard seems to be
fitting right in.

Yeah, he's getting along
fine with the members.

Yeah. His mother's
a strange bird,

spreading a rumor that Howard
might get hooked on cards.

Him, of all people.

Well, that gives me ,
so I guess I've got cards,

and with big casino
and spades, I win again.

Have you got a horseshoe
in your pocket?

Well, that's all for me.

Aw, come on, can't you play
just one more game?

No, I got to get home.

Well, how about
tomorrow night, then?

And as long as we're
making arrangements,

how about the night
after that, too?

And maybe we could meet
a little earlier

and raise the stakes some?

Oh, I could play
every night in the week.

This opens up a whole new
interest for me.