05x22 - If I Had a Quarter-Million

[bunniefuu]

Starring Andy Griffith...

With Ronny Howard...

Also starring Don knotts.

All right, fella, you're going
to have to clear out of here.

I ain't doing nothing.

This is private property.
Now, move on.

Well, now, how do you know
I don't own this property?

Do you want to get out of here

or spend a couple of nights
in the lockup?

Come on, come on,
move on, come on.

Oh, well... Come on! Out! Out!

Give a man time.

I'm just minding my own business.
Go on, beat it.

I guess I'm a citizen.

Pbht!

Okay, Ben, if anybody
comes looking for it,

we got it over here.

Right.

Well, nobody reported any
missing luggage at the station.

Well, that's funny.
Mm.

Must have dropped off a train.

What else could it be?
I don't know.

Well, what do we do?

Well, I suppose we ought to try
to get inside of it

to see if we can find
any identification.

You mean open
somebody else's suitcase?

You gotta be kidding. Well, why?

That's illegal entry.

It's like walking
into a person's house.

I'm just looking
for identification.

All right,
reverse the situation.

How would you like
somebody going

through a suitcase of yours,

rummaging through
your socks and shorts?

Under the circumstances, I don't
think it would bother me.

Well, you're a lot different
than me.

I like to think that
when I put on an undershirt,

Mr. Goss down at the laundry

was the last one
that touched it.

Well, you're fussy.

I'm not fussy.
Yeah, you're fussy.

No, I'm just sanitary.

It happens to be
the way I was brought up.

My mother was that way.

Well, I know all
about that, Barn,

but the point is...

And what if that suitcase
belongs to a woman?

Did you think of that?

It's possible.

Well.
Well, what about it?

Well, you think
you have any right

to go pawing through her...

You know.

Pawing through her what?

Well, different things.

What kind of different things?

Well, things you see
hanging on a wash line.

All I know is that
whoever lost this

I'm sure would like
to get it back.

So I'm going to try
to get it open

and find out whose it is.

Go ahead, but I don't
want to be involved.

Well, you won't be.
I won't be.

You won't be.
I know I won't.

I'll just take it
over to goober's

and see if he can pick the lock.

You do that.
Mm-hmm.

It's little things like this
that'll lead to a police state!

I think I'm getting it.
I felt something click.

Good, good.

Oh, got it!
Oh, good.

Thanks, goob, thanks.

Yeah, we'll see whose this is.

I never seen so much money
in my whole life.

Have you, Andy?

Must be a couple hundred
thousand dollars here.

You could plant
my horse and buggy with that,

couldn't you?

You know it.

Now, goober,
you didn't see this.

Understand?

Well, I'm looking right at it.

No, goober, no, no.

What I mean is
we've got to keep this quiet,

because later on,

it could be very important
material evidence.

Understand?

Say it again.

Uh...

Look, goob, just don't tell
anybody you saw this.

Okay?
Okay.

Now, you didn't see it.

You don't know anything
about it.

Right?
Right.

Okay.
Thanks, goob.

Uh-huh.
Uh-huh, I understand.

And that's what
you want us to do?

Just wait till you get
a man down here?

Right, okay.

Thanks. Bye.

Well?

Well, that's it.

It was a bank robbery,
all right.

The FBI got a tip

that the man with the money

was on the :
out of Raleigh.

Fellow must have gotten wise
they were closing in,

and he threw the suitcase
off the train.

Fellow made the heist okay,
but he blew the scramez-vous.

Blew the what?
Scramez-vous.

The getaway.

Oh, yeah.

The FBI is sending a man down
from Washington.

Good, good.

They can be a big help
in a thing like this.

Now, I think our first move...

Our first move is to wait

till the FBI gets
a man down here.

You mean, do nothing?

That's right.

Andy, look, the guy that dropped
that suitcase,

his first move is to get
off that train and go back

and look for it, right?

Right.
Don't you see?

When he finds it's gone,

he's gonna figure
it was picked up

by somebody in the nearest town.

Now, that happens to be

the little, old, sleepy village
of Mayberry.

You can bet on it, Andy.

There's a bank robber
stalking our streets!

It's stakeout time.

Leave the r*fle alone.

Now, that fellow is just
going to have to stalk

till the FBI gets here.

And we're just going to sit, sit, sit?
That's right.

I'm a duly authorized officer
of the law.

I ought to be allowed
to arrest somebody.

Well, I feel just as sorry
for you as I can feel

but who are you going to arrest?

I'm glad you asked that question

'cause I got the answer.

Now, this fellow
is going to figure,

if whoever found the suitcase

turned it over to the police

that'd be the end
of the line, right?

Right.

His only chance would be
if somebody kept it, right?

That's right.

Then there's our angle.

Let him think
somebody did keep it.

What are you talking about?

What do you use
when you go fishing?

Uh, you want me to say "bait"?

Right. And that bait
is gonna be me. No.

Now, this fellow
is gonna come back into town

looking for somebody
throwing around fresh money!

No! No!

All I got to do
is play it up big.

Smoke him out, then you move up
with the heavy a*tillery.

No.

You mean just sit
and wait for the FBI?

That's right.

Maybe they'll let us bring 'em coffee.
They might.

Whatever they want
us to do, Barn.

I'll just put this in the safe.

Hi, boys.

Hi, Floyd.

Hey, Barn!

You sure look spiffy.

What are you doing
all dressed up?

Oh, nothing special.

I thought I'd get on a bus
and go down to Florida

and go out to that track
at hialeah and blow a few c's.

What are you gonna blow?

$ .

$ ?

Ooh, my.

I haven't seen the bangtails run
in quite a while.

Here, have a cigar, Floyd.

Oh, thanks, Barn.

Ooh, say!

cents a copy.

cents?!

Mm-hmm.

I plan on smoking
about eight a day.

Eight of 'em?!

That's , doll...
dollar...

Did you fall into some money
or something?

Well, let's just say that, uh...

I'm doing all right, okay?

Kind of sudden, wasn't it?

Yeah, kind of sudden.

Mind if I use your whisk broom?

Oh, go ahead.
Help yourself.

Aw, I suppose one of
your kin passed on.

Aw, that's always
a terrible blow.

Terrible blow.

Nobody passed on.

Oh, that's good to hear.

Well, wherever you got it,

that's a man's
personal business.

Strictly his own affair.
That's right.

Stock market, was it?

No, it wasn't the stock market.

I just hit it, Floyd.

Listen, uh, you seen
any strangers in town lately?

Strangers? No.
None been in lately, Barney.

Did you win it on a TV show?

No.

If anybody comes in looking
for a little action,

I'll be hanging around
down the hotel, okay?

What kind of action?

A little poker.

Poker

no limit, deuces wild.

Oh, sure, Barn.
Sure, I'll tell 'em.

And, Floyd...

Thanks for the use
of the whisk broom.

Oh, there's no charge
for that, Barn.

I mean, a whisk broom.

Forget it, Floyd.

I'll see you.

See you, Barn.

See ya, Barn!

What do you say, Fred?

Well, say, Barn!

You sure look like ready money.

Yeah, I'm doing all right.

Listen, Fred,

any strangers check in lately?

Yeah.
About a month ago.

A fellow's car broke down.

I mean today.

No. Just the regulars.

Well, in case anybody checks in

looking for a little excitement,

I'll be back, okay?

Uh-huh.

Andy.

You did it!
Now, don't get excited.

All I did was start the rumor.

I told you not to do it!

Well, you don't have
to worry about anything.

I don't think
he's gonna show anyway.

No signs of him.

What are you doing
with a g*n in your pants?!

Oh, that's just
a little idea I had.

I mean, if there's trouble,

that's the last place they'd
figure you'd have a g*n.

Well, isn't it
a little hard to get at?

No. You just...

It's caught on my underwear.

Here, hold still.

Okay.

It was just twisted wrong.

It's easy, see?
You just...

Good.

Just make sure it clears
your underwear.

Right.

Be sure it's not loaded.

There's no sign of him, huh?

No. You'd think if a guy
was coming into town,

he'd be here by now.
Yeah.

Well, I'll check over
at the hotel later.

I told Sarah to keep
a hotline open.

Listen, you and Sarah
keep your hotline open,

but you stay out of this!

Nice little town you got here.

Oh, yes, I was born
and raised here.

One of the first families,
as a matter of fact.

Is that so?

Yeah. You wouldn't
think much went on

in a little town like
this, now, would you?

No, I wouldn't.

Wide open.

Oh, really?
Yeah.

In case you're interested
in a little action,

I might be able
to give you a steer.

What kind of action?

Poker.

Poker, huh?

No limit, deuces wild.

Hmm.

One of the boys

just came in to
quite a bit of money.

He wants to live it up a little.

Of course, I don't know

if you're interested or not.

I'm interested.

Oh, you'll find him
over at the hotel.

His name's Fife.

He's kind of a short fellow.
Snappy dresser.

Hi.

Sheriff Taylor?

That's right.

My name is Brewster.

Oh, FBI.

We've been expecting you.

Any developments?
No, nothing yet.

Just where was
the suitcase found?

Out by the railroad tracks
right near town.

Oh, I see.
What's the plan?

Well, the man is bound
to come into town here

to try to get a lead
on who picked it up.

Well, that's what
my deputy figured.

Matter of fact, he's been making
a little splash around town

about coming into some money.

Well, I think this fellow's
going to be a lot too smart

to fall for anything like that.

Just look around town.
Don't say anything.

Okay. Anything
we can do to help.

Thank you.
I'll keep in touch with you. Thanks.

And like I say,
don't worry about my deputy.

He's probably given up on
the whole thing by now anyway.

I understand you're looking
for a little action.

Yeah, I might be.

You just get in town?

A couple of hours ago.

You, uh...
You here on business?

Yeah.
Might call it that.

Say, just so I know
this isn't any penny ante game,

what kind of loot have you got?

Quarter of a mil.

It's a lot of money.

Yeah.

Look, I'm sort
of a cautious fellow.

Mind if I see a couple
of bundles of it?

Sure.

You just, uh...

Just wait right here.

All right, reach!

Or I'll start blasting!

Hey, what is this?

How'd you know
it was in bundles?

How'd you know I had it in cash?

What are you talking about?

You ought to know, buster.

You're under arrest.
Fred! Fred!

Down in a second, Barn.

Well, hurry!

I'm getting the sheriff
over here,

and the FBI's coming, too.

Hey, wait a minute.
Who are you anyway?

I'm deputy Barney Fife,
Mayberry undercover agent.

Now, get them hands
on the table.

Keep them where I can see them.

Nice and easy.
Yeah.

Fred!

Fife...

I think we're working
on the same side.

W-What are you talking about?

You're working on this bank
robbery, right? Yeah.

Hennessy,

federal bureau of investigation.

FBI.

Wait a minute.
How do I know?

Well, as
a law enforcement officer,

you must know the FBI handshake.

Oh, sure.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm sorry, Mr. Hennessy.
I'm sorry.

I was just, you know,
playing it safe.

You want me, Barney?

Forget it, Fred, forget it.

Forget it.

You want some coffee?
No, thanks.

Well, I guess you'll want me
to step out of the case now?

I don't know, Fife.

You seem to handle
yourself pretty well.

Sit down.

Thanks, I...

I guess I work a lot
like you fellas.

Look, if you'd consider
working with us,

I know Edgar
would appreciate it.

Edgar?

J. Edgar?
That's right.

Oh, I'd be happy to.

I'll just call the sheriff.

Look, Fife,
forget about the sheriff.

Only one extra man...
That's all I want.

Well, the sheriff... I'm sorry.

I don't want him
to know about this.

This has got to be
between you and me.

Okay.

The chances are we're dealing
with a pretty smart crook.

Check.

And he's probably
got us cased this very moment,

watching our every move.
Check.

Where you keeping the money?

Courthouse safe.

Good. Now, we're gonna
wait until tonight.

And here's the plan.

You remember
the McCallister case?

Mccallis...
Oh, sure, sure.

Yeah.
The McCallister case.

That was that case
with that McCallister.

Well, we're going to work it
just like that.

So here's the plan.

I want you to listen...
Carefully.

Hello?

Barney, where are you?
I've been checking all over.

I can't tell you where I am.

All I can say is we expect
a break in the case tonight.

Who's "we"?
The FBI and me.

Oh, you ran into that FBI man.
Well, where are you?

I'm sorry, Andy.
I can't tell you.

I'll fill you in as soon
as the case is wrapped up.

Listen, Barney...
Ten-four.

Just normal concern.
He's a good man.

I had to call him just to
keep him out of the way.

Guess we might as well get busy.

You get the money.
I'll stay out of sight.

Right.

Sarah.

Never mind.

Evening, sheriff.

Hi.

Heard anything?

No.

I thought you were closing in.

Oh, no. Seems to be indications
there's a stranger in town,

but he's staying out of sight.

We're just going
to have to wait him out.

Where's Barney?

Who?

My deputy, Barney Fife,

the fella you're working with.

Sheriff, I'm not working
with anybody.

Any chance there could be
another FBI man on the case?

Not a chance.

Let's go.

I don't see anybody yet,

but I guess
it won't be long, huh?

No, you can bet this crook
has watched our every move.

Now that he knows
we have the money up here,

it won't be long.

Well, we'll be ready for him.

Listen, you don't happen to have

a couple of extra b*ll*ts
you could lend me?

Don't worry about it.
I'm here.

I don't think the sheriff

would like me taking
the money out of the safe,

but I guess he's never heard
of the McCallister case.

I guess not.

These are always
the toughest jobs

when you got to sit
and wait it out.

Yeah.

Got anything to drink?

Yeah, I got some milk, non-fat.

Okay, let's have some milk.

I'll take care of it.

You have a look at that window.

Right.

Here you are, Fife.

Oh, thanks.
Well...

Ahh, nothing like milk.

Say, listen...

How long did it take
in the McCallister case?

Well, we staked out
in the shack...

Must have been...
Two hours, I guess.

The fella was probably
making sure it wasn't a setup.

Then we heard footsteps
about yards away.

I took the door.
My partner took the window.

Yeah, that would be the way
to work it, all right.

It would have to be Barney.

That safe is burglar-proof.

Where to now?

Come on.

Boy, that milk was just what
I needed, you know that?

I got to admit I was a little
edgy there for a while,

but...oh, boy,
the milk steadied me right down.

I'm ready for anything now.

Nice to work with you.

Barn.
Hold it right there.

Barn!

Knockout drops, huh?

Let's go.

Barn?

Barn?
Barn, we got him.

The crook, Barn.
We got the crook.

Yeah, I'm ready for him.

Sleep it off, tiger.

Did I tell you
to stay out of it?

Did I just tell you
to stay out of it?

Andy, the man identified himself
as an FBI man.

He gave me the handshake
and everything.

Barney, I told you times
to stay out if it.

Sometimes I think I'm talking
to the wall.

And take that g*n
out of your pants.

Are you hurt?

You want to give me your pants?

I'll take them
to the artistic weavers.