10x10 - The Spite Store

[bunniefuu]

Larry David is back in the news again.

That's right, the co-creator of Seinfeld has returned to his contentious ways, this time in the retail arena.

Here's NBC's Josh Mankiewicz with more.

Look, we've all experienced bad service before, but for most of us, there's not much you can do about it.

Maybe write a negative Yelp review, or maybe you just don't go back to the place.

But Larry David has chosen a different path.

This is Mocha Joe's, a small coffee shop serving the Westside of Los Angeles, and this is Latte Larry's.

Why two coffee shops right next to each other?

We went to the man himself for answers.

I was wronged. I was mistreated.

I ordered a cup of coffee next door, at this Mocha Joe's, and, Josh, the coffee is cold.

I politely asked for another cup of coffee.

He banned me from the store. I couldn't live with it.

So you're operating this place just out of spite?

Yeah. It's a spite store.

I called him an old, bald nut. I mean, I cop to that.

But the guy comes in here, complains about the tables, complains about the coffee.

Do you have wobbly tables?

Eh, one or two. But what's the big deal? You put your foot on it.

Nobody else is complaining.

If he apologized, would you get out of the coffee business?

If it was a deep, heartfelt apology, with maybe a little tear--

"Larry, my scones are like muffins."

That would have to be included, of course.

Okay, Larry says that if you would just apologize...

...he could get out of business.

Apologize? Me? Never. A ban is a ban.

You ever think that maybe the problem is, you were complaining too much?

I don't like to tear people down. I want to help.

Look, this pocket square you got going, there, it looks out of place.

That's for some English dandy.

It's not for a journalist.

You don't think that's kind of insulting?

No, not in the least.

Hey, if you told me you didn't like my jacket or something, well, I, I wouldn't care.

Actually, I, I really don't like your jacket.

Oh, is that so?

And while Larry was the first to open a spite store, he's since started a trend here in Hollywood, with other celebrities following suit, like Jonah Hill, who's now operating a spite deli.

So, you know, I used to go to Irv's Deli, right next door, two, three times a week.

And I found a hair in my sandwich.

Not your hair? No.

This was a gray hair. It wasn't my hair.

And this guy Irv's going, "Oh, it's yours."

And I'm, like, what can I do, you know?

I, I can't sleep. I'm taking four or five Ambien to get to sleep, 'cause all I see is this guy Irv's face.

So what changed? - What changed was I had seen Latte Larry's.

The idea of a spite store's such a brilliant idea.

I'm gonna open a spite deli.

What started off with spite has now become a passion project.

Thanks for dining with us.

Three dollars?

And you're turning down acting and directing gigs for this?

What's left for me in Hollywood?

Win some award or something, you know?

Any time I see a customer walk in here that used to go to Irv's, it's like my own tiny little human Oscar walking in here.

So this is your life now?

I might actually open a spite deli out in New York.

There was a spot on 42nd Street that was a bit disrespectful that I'm looking at taking out.

Jonah Hill is not the only celebrity with spite on his mind.

This is Ray's Exotic Birds, and this is Sean's.

It's become the place to get a macaw, or a hummingbird nester.

I had always wanted a talking bird.

So I go to Ray, just next door, and he sells me the bird.

And the bird doesn't talk. It just sort of grunts.

So I go back to return it. He says, "No returns."

I said, "Bullshit."

'Cause he knew, he knew it was a mute bird.

And I'm on a kind of slow burn, not knowing quite what to do.

Then Larry opens up the coffee place, and it was like, ding, ding, ding.

Sean's Exotic Birds.

It put Ray right out of business.

Here, this is a hyacinth macaw, from Brazil.

Would you like to hold him?

Sure.

Does all the time you're spending here take away from, you know, acting?

I was never a very, Zen sort of personality, but I find myself very, very calm now.

I think, you know, it's the birds.

Shut up!

So the next time you see two similar stores right next to each other, there's a pretty good chance one of 'em's doing it out of spite.

Savannah and Hoda, back to you.

Aah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It hurts right there?

Now we're gonna bend it. - Anyway, the guy in the motorized wheelchair, he's on line at my store--

Aah, that's plenty. Yeah. Right there. Okay.

And all of a sudden, he gets beep panic, and rolls right into me. Unbelievable.

Okay, so here's the bottom line with your knee. Okay?

Yeah. You have a tear in your meniscus.

You know, if you want to fix this thing once and for all, you need surgery.

Uh-huh. All right? I go in there, I, uh, I repair the tear in your meniscus, you're back home the very same day.

You'll be in bed for about a week.

Okay, then we'll get you on crutches.

Then after about two months of intensive everyday rehab, you'll be back to normal, good as new.

How does that sound? Not so great.

You could do other techniques, but you're gonna be right back in this chair in a few months, I guarantee it.

What if I got a... second opinion?

Why? Just to see... what somebody else might have to say about it.

If you want to get a second opinion, by all means.

It's your right. I encourage it.

Oh, okay. So we're cool, then?

Yeah, Larry. I'm cool.

Get your second opinion. Let me know how it goes.

You know, a lot of people are gonna say to me, "You should get a second opinion."

So I can say, "Yeah. I got a second opinion."

So it's just so you can tell your friends you did it.

It's not even saying it to my friends.

It's saying it to my late mother.

Okay, while here in my head, "Larry, what are you doing?

Get a second opinion. Are you stupid?"

Why do I need to hear that? Yeah, you don't wanna hear that.

No. Even though she's dead, I need to shut her up. - Got it. All right.

Um, you can validate your parking up front, there.

Careful. Uh...

Hey!

Larry! Joey!

How's it going? Not terrible.

How's your, uh, coffee shop doing?

Doing quite well. Really?

Yeah. - You lookin' for, uh, you know, any people?

You're looking for-- - I, I am. I've been really unhappy where I am, and I'm looking for something new. Joey.

You think I'm gonna turn down a Funkhouser? - Larry!

Yeah, of course. Come on. Yeah, that'd be great.

Thank you, really. Terrific. I can't wait to start.

All right, well, maybe even, uh, maybe even tomorrow. - Perfect.

Joey? Mm?

What's going on over here?

Oh, I'm just waiting for it to get hot.

You're waiting for it to get hot?

I don't think you respect the drought. I do respect the drought.

Do you respect the drought, Joey? I do. I really do.

I do respect the drought. I--

Whoa. What?

What?

Woo! Whoa! Okay.

Joey!

Larry.

Yikes.

I mean, I support your transitioning, but you gave yourself quite a large penis there.

Yeah, I wanted to, you know, follow in the Funkhouser tradition of penises.

Can you handle, uh, something like that?

That's, that's enormous. It is, yeah.

But, I mean, it seems like a lot to, to lug around.

No, it isn't actually. But--

You've tried it out on some dames?

I've had no complaints about it. No complaints. - No complaints.

Okay. All right.

Enjoy your big penis. I am.

And, uh, you know, go to town with it. Thank you, Larry. That's--

We'll be in touch about the store. Yeah. I'll call--

I'll call you, and you just let me know when I can start. I can't wait. Fantastic.

All right. Thank you, Larry. Okay. Excited to have you.

Hey! Whoa! Look who I brought.

Country club shit right here. Yeah.

How you, uh, doing? What's going on?

Uh, I just saw Joey Funkhouser's new penis.

Who? Marty Funkhouser's daughter has transitioned into being a man.

Oh, wow. Yeah.

Had the surgery, and, uh, it's big.

Mm. How big?

Really big. Wow.

Yeah. He gave himself a giant penis.

Did you see the balls? No.

Completely taken with the penis that I didn't get to, you know, look at the scrotum at all.

So wait a minute. This is what happens at country clubs?

White guys walking around showing each other their Johnson?

No, no, no. I saw it in the bathroom.

He was wearing a terrycloth robe.

He turned and the robe opened up.

People don't tie robes properly.

They do not. - They're very cavalier about a robe, you know?

You can't just fling one side over the other.

Cinch your robe. Cinch your robe.

Right. - I don't see how he can wear underwear with that thing.

It's so big there's no way he can fit in underwear.

You can't. Right?

Everybody in the big Johnson community knows that.

You can't wear underwear. I don't wear underwear.

There's a big Johnson community? Of course there is.

We meet once a month. We talk about the pitfalls of having a big-ass Johnson.

I've had several at the house.

You... You've had a big Johnson meeting at, at the house?

When you're f*ckin' out of town, the whole community shows the f*ck up, and we sit around the table, and just talk.

Do you have officers? f*ck, yeah, we do.

Who's the president?

My man, Horse Cock Williams.

Look, I don't have a big penis, but I'd like to see if I could join the big Johnson community.

How are you getting in the big Johnson community without a big Johnson? What--

I know somebody there who could vouch for me.

What do you mean, vouch for you? They, they, they gotta look at it!

You can't just show up. You gotta flash that m*therf*cker at the door.

Yeah. See? Well, what happens if I get caught?

They'll throw you out of there by your little-ass Johnson.

But maybe this would be a good thing for Joey, because it's way too big, and he can't handle it.

I foresee... big problems with that penis.

Big.

To be honest, I always tell people they can fix up the house. I don't--

Hey, Larry! Hey!

Larry David. Hey.

Great news.

I am the listing agent of the house next to yours.

Oh, really? You're selling it? Yeah.

Ka-ching! Ka-ching!

Make some money on that one, right? Yeah.

Okay. You know, I should buy it myself, so I can avoid assh*le neighbors.

I like that. You, you would never buy it, would you?

It's a little bit out of my, uh, prince range, you know, right now.

Oh. That's good.

'Cause you're the last person in the world I want living next door to me.

Clients love me, Larry.

Mm-hmm. How's the coffee?

It's good. It's good.

Yeah. Good. You know, it's interesting, 'cause, uh, I was in my car earlier, and all of a sudden, I hear a siren, and I look in the rearview mirror and there's a fire truck behind me, and I...

Wow, a fire! And I better get over to the side of the road.

Those guys are really in a hurry.

I pull over to the side of the road, and it... shwoo! Goes past me.

And then I pull in here, and I see the fire truck.

Where's the fire?

Where...

Where is the fire?

We needed coffee. Oh, oh.

We don't do it often. No.

Like, it's not a frequent thing. Yeah, no.

You abused your siren.

Abused our siren? You're siren abusers.

I completely get it. I had a handicapped placard once.

And I could only imagine what it's like to have a siren.

'Cause that handicapped placard, that was fantastic.

Enjoy the coffee.

Hey!

Look at this. Joey Funkhouser. Hey, Larry.

How you doing? Hey.

So have you shown him the ropes? Yeah.

We're gettin' it down. Yeah. Fast learner.

Oh, yeah? The only question I have is, where's the, uh, the tip jar?

Oh, no. No tip jar.

No tipping? No, that's, that's demeaning.

It turns us into... beggars.

Yeah? You think? - Yeah. We might as well be outside with a, with a cup.

Uh-oh. Know what happens now? It's a-- What?

No.

Ah. Look at that, see? Ah.

Oh, boy. This, this is a big moment.

That's it? Oh, the big moment. Yes, indeed.

Let's go to the back. To the storeroom? Um-hmm.

And get changed there. Okay. Great. Right.

Hey, as long as you're going to the storeroom, show him how to charge the, uh, the self-heating cups. - Yes, indeed.

I kind of talked Larry into putting up "no lamping" signs all over the f*ckin' place. People would stay too f*cking long.

Are you in line? What?

Are you in line for coffee? Oh. N-No. No.

Sorry, we haven't met, have we?

No. Uh-uh. No. Okay.

No, we haven't.

Okay. I'm Alice.

Um, I'm... Buck.

Nice to meet you, Buck. Nice to meet you.

Hey, Larry! Where are the aprons?

They're behind the Purell!

I can't find the f*ckin' aprons!

Are you... Latte Larry?

Yes! Oh.

Buck's my nickname. That's what my friends call me.

How'd you get to Buck from Larry?

I like to watch a lot of Westerns.

What's your favorite?

Blue Skies Over the Canyon.

Well, I just moved in the neighborhood, so...

I'll see you around. Oh, great.

Um, hi. Can I get a medium latte--

You know, it's so crazy.

She's completely normal, but she just doesn't seem to remember... me, or ever working for me, or anything to do with me.

So she suffered memory loss from the choking on the scone?

And that got me out of the lawsuit, the whole thing.

Oh, that's Tara and Will.

Hey!

Oh, look, you're getting bigger every minute!

I know, I know. Oh, my God. I have to touch it.

Please. Come on in.

Hello. Hello. Hi.

I'm the Larry you've heard so much about.

Oh. Yes.

It's so nice to finally meet you. Hi.

How you doin'? Hi. Will.

Will.

Any minute now, I think, huh? Yeah.

Yeah. Any minute.

Oh, boy. Jesus.

You know, I impregnated somebody once.

Yeah? Yeah.

We broke up in the abortion clinic.

How about that? You've never told me that.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Wow.

Just so you know, while you're here, I don't know how to deliver a baby. Okay.

How do you, how do you induce labor?

Can you scare someone into labor?

I don't know. Is that possible?

I-- Uh, maybe it's possible.

I think it's something we want to avoid.

Why would you wanna do that?

A baby should come when it's naturally supposed to come.

Who needs Mr. Buttinski over here?

It's a hypothetical. It's just a hypothetical.

Let's say you had a bet with a friend.

You see a pregnant woman who, uh-- big pregnant woman walking down the street-- you make a $50 bet with this friend, that you can induce labor by scaring her.

You go into the bushes, she's walking down the street, and all of a sudden you jump out. Aah!

Uh, you in the bushes? Yeah.

For 50 bucks you're going in the bushes?

Yeah, but it's hypothetical. See if you can induce labor.

Well, what happens if she goes into labor?

Yeah, what happens if you win? Yeah.

I, I'd drive her to the hospital.

Okay, let's say you're driving her to the hospital, and along the way to the hospital, she starts giving birth in your car? Well, that's a problem.

You gotta really think these hypotheticals out.

'Cause they always end poorly.

Okay, I won't scare her.

Okay. Yeah, thank you.

So, I'm so glad you guys finally came over.

Sorry we're late. Yeah, that's-- that's on me.

I, you know, I refuse to look at the phone, and like, I try and go off the watch. I forget, and it always, like, runs a little late.

Yeah, hard to guess it. You can't get that fixed?

I've tried, but, you know, it always just, like, goes back, you know? I know a guy who can fix that, easily. He's, he's great.

You sure? KL Jeweler, yeah.

Oh, yeah? Oh, really?

I drive by there every day. I can just bring it in.

Ah, all right. Yeah. That's so nice.

I guarantee it.

Yeah, it's my grandfather's watch.

Gave it to me, like, right before he died.

Oh, yeah? You should get it fixed.

And believe me, if anybody can fix it, it's this guy. He's great. Oh, good.

I appreciate that. Aah!

Where are my manners?

You want something to drink?

That would be great. I'm, I'm... really craving ginger ale.

Oh, we have ginger ale. Right, Jeff? Do you?

I cannot stock up enough ginger ale. I love ginger ale.

Hey, how 'bout-- I'll get in on the ginger ale.

You sure you got enough? Oh, no, we have tons of ginger ale.

Two ginger ales, Jeffrey.

Thank you, Jeff. Thank you. Thank you.

So, um, do you know the sex of the, of the child?

We're gonna have a little baby boy.

A little baby boy. How about that? Oh, so cute! Yeah.

Have you thought about the, um, the skin color at all?

I'm sorry? You know. The tone?

Would you prefer it's, it's a, it's a little darker?

I would imagine you might prefer it to be a little darker, as opposed to lighter, no?

Well, I mean, I've never even thought about it.

Huh. But, I guess like, darker, I guess.

Yeah, I would think. Right? What?

Yeah, that makes sense.

Uh, I... What?

You'd prefer him to be darker? Prefer it--

I mean, if someone's asking me, like, if I had to choose, I'd say, like darker. Why are you choosing?

You'd probably like it a little lighter maybe, no?

No, I, I don't, I don't think I want my baby to be lighter.

I haven't thought about that at all.

I'm surprised that you've thought about it. - Oh, yeah.

I mean, well, I, I hadn't thought about it, but asked the question, I mean--

I know, but what you could have said, I don't have a preference, but you said you'd prefer him to be darker.

You don't have a preference at all? No, I don't have a preference.

Say somebody put a g*n to your head.

Said, "Do you want you baby to be lighter or darker?"

What would you choose?

Why is someone holding a g*n to my head and asking me what shade I would prefer my son to be? It's a hypothetical.

I don't know, see-- Why is somebody putting a g*n to her head?

He wants to-- He wants to find out what your preference is.

So you're walking down the street with Will, and he snatches you into the backseat of the car, and now he's got a g*n to your head.

"Do you want a lighter or a darker baby?

What shade? What shade?" Get away from me!

What color is the guy holding the g*n?

He's mocha. Right down the middle.

Right down the middle. Fifty-fifty.

Do you want it lighter or darker? I...

I would say on the lighter side.

Ah. Mm-hmm. See?

So you have a preference. But I had a g*n to my head.

You didn't have a g*n to your head.

We're sitting in a nice living room.

We're getting ginger ales.

I'm proud to be black. I think you'd be proud to be black, too. Oh, of course--

Okay, I'm sorry.

I don't feel-- I'm not wrong.

I don't feel good. Okay. Okay. I'm--

I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Thank you. Nice to meet you. Yeah. Thank you so much.

Okay, thanks for coming. Thank you very much for your hospitality.

Sorry about all this. Aw.

Thanks for having us. I'll get that watch fixed.

What the f*ck is the matter with you?

What?

Let me ask you something.

What is so hard about being a matador? I don't get it.

They have the cape, right? Right.

The bull seems to run into the cape.

They don't run into the guy.

How hard is it to go like that? Right.

It's right there. Yeah.

Here's the deal.

You do have a tear in the meniscus.

But it's the outer edge of the meniscus, and that area will heal itself.

I think some rest, some ice, some ibuprofen. Uh, I'd put you on a PT course.

Physical therapy. You can come here, or you can, um, have 'em come to your home.

Whatever you'd like. Yeah. What?

What a relief. I just was led to believe that I--

I was gonna need surgery.

Oh. Were we a second opinion? Yeah.

Do you mind me asking who the, uh, other doctor is?

It's Dr. Seiderman.

Good doctor.

Oh, you know him?

We've crossed paths a time or two.

Yeah.

You are gonna tell the other doctor about me.

Yeah. I already did.

Oh, you did? Yeah.

Did you mention me by name?

No. Okay.

I don't know how I'm gonna tell him.

It's gotta be done.

No patient in there?

No. No patient.

Just a lot of traffic.

Really. So you just put the siren on?

Yeah. Mm-hmm. Really?

Another siren abuser.

It's not abuse. I--

It's more of, it's more use.

If word gets out that all of you people are just putting sirens on to get to places faster, nobody's gonna pull over to the side of the road anymore.

And then you know what's gonna happen?

You're gonna have some dead people.

Gotta get these inside, sir. Ugh. Of course!

Enjoy your coffee.

According to this doctor, uh... he said I didn't need to get the... surgery.

No surgery.

He said I just needed some physical therapy, and some ibuprofen.

And everything will just magically return to, uh, to health, huh?

Yeah. - So, I think it's worth giving a shot, no?

And, uh... Yeah?

...who was the doctor?

Uh, Dr. Fuller.

Mark Fuller. Yeah.

Hmm. Nice doctor.

Good energy.

I know how it goes.

Well, good luck with your, uh-- Aw, come on.

Don't... don't be mad. Come on.

Mad? I'm not mad. I'm just--

You're... you're a little peeved.

Well, good luck in your journey, Larry.

And, uh, I wish you and your knee all the best.

I have a few patients I need to see, so... if you don't mind.

Okay, let's do the surgery.

No. I'm not, I'm not doing the surgery, Larry.

What? Come on. Come on, we'll do the surgery. - I'm not doing--

You'll get no surgery from me.

Nothing. Nada. Not a stitch. Do you understand me?

I don't want anything to do with you or your knee.

Come on, I said I'll get the surgery. No!

Let me just get the surgery. There's no surgery.

Don't be like that! I'm sorry! Like what, Larry? No.

Sorry's not good enough. Why are you acting like such a baby?

I'm the baby? You're the one going around town getting a bunch of opinions!

Okay, you know what? I don't need any more opinions, okay?

Just be on the record, though, that I said I'd get the surgery.

It's on the record, Larry. Thank you. You don't wanna give it to me.

You blew it! I don't know why I ever went with you in the first place.

You sicken me! I'm leaving.

Okay? And you'll regret it!

Dominic will validate your parking at the front desk!

Hi. Welcome to MK--

Hey.

Larry. Mila?

Yeah. What are you doing?

What is this? This is my store.

What do you mean, your store?

I opened up this store because of you.

Get this, Larry.

KL Jewelers f*cked me over.

I went in, I bought a watch.

I started wearing it, I started noticing I was late everywhere I went.

I would go to like, a meeting, and I was, like, five minutes late.

So I walked in, I asked for a refund...

They said no.

Bastards.

So I said, "f*ck you, KL Jewelers," and I opened up MK Jewelers.

Spite store, Larry.

Because of you.

I can't tell you how-- how pleased I am to hear this. Well, thank you.

Anyways, Larry! Yeah.

All right. Yeah. You came in here. What's up?

Well, I got this watch-- Yeah.

I was gonna bring it over there.

Gone now. Gone now, huh?

What are you gonna do? Here you go.

Well, what do you want me to do?

Fix it.

Well, I don't-- I don't do that, Larry.

You can't fix the watch?

No. Sorry. I'm just here for spite.

Mm. Yeah.

Will and Tara?

Still not talking. Still not talking.

All because of me? All because of you.

Who cares what shade? Yeah.

What do you think, like, ten years down the road he's gonna go, "You know, he was never as dark as I wanted."

You know that's never happening. Yeah.

Hey, you know what? I still have his watch.

You're kidding me. No.

I couldn't get it fixed. Look.

So now you gotta carry that thing with you everywhere you go?

I gotta find a jeweler. Oh, jeez.

Hey, hey, fellas.

Oh, my God.

You watch, uh, Channel 5 news?

Well, there's a real smokeshow who does the weather on there, and, uh, we had a date last night.

Mm. Where'd you go, to the asylum where she's staying?

Go f*ck yourself, Larry.

I've never felt such antipathy towards a bald man in my life.

He's a shanda for the bald. He's a shanda for the bald.

I'll be right back.

There's the water police.

Aha! Right on cue.

Look at this. Disrespecting the drought again.

I'm, I'm about to shave.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Like you, you... you'd need the hot water with the shaving.

All right. Here's how you save water when you shave.

Yeah. Uh-huh. You put the water on, you rinse the blade, and then you turn the water off.

Right. Then you, then you shave a little bit.

Yeah. Then you put the water on again.

You rinse it out, you turn it off.

I appreciate the shaving lesson.

Is that how you do it? That's how I do it, yeah.

All right, that'll be $10. Yeah.

You know, I think there are probably better ways to save water than following me around here.

You're right, Joey. You're 100 percent right. - Exactly. Okay.

So, um...

I found my watch...

...on the ground. It's broken.

I see that. That's, uh, that's too bad.

Any idea what happened to it?

No. No idea. Ah, uh-huh.

I'll tell you what I think, Joey. Yeah?

I think you turned abruptly, your robe opened up, and you knocked it over with your big penis.

That's what I think happened.

Okay, I'm sorry. I knocked it over. But it-- I just, I just turned around, and I, I hit it.

Okay. Okay. Okay. I'm sorry, okay?

But I, you know, I told you it's a tough thing to handle.

Accidents happen, you know?

Accidents happen. Hey! Yeah.

No worries. Yeah.

No worries. And listen, Joey... Yeah.

...if you ever knock anything over again with your penis... - Yeah.

...you can always come to me.

Thank you.

Okay.

And cinch that robe, Joey. Okay, Larry.

Uncle Freddy, the Robust, uh, Select, just the way you like it-- extra hot and sweet.

You're tremendous. This is maybe the best I've ever had a coffee brought to me.

No. Come on. Thank you. You're k*lling it, here.

Hey, Joey, do me a favor, will ya? Yeah. Yeah.

I knocked over some beans in the storeroom. - Oh.

They're all over the floor. Of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

See you later. Okay. You're k*lling it here.

Hey. Hey.

He's doing a tremendous job. Yeah, he's doing great.

Speaking of Joey. Yeah.

Knocked a watch off the bathroom counter with his, with his giant penis at the club.

Can't repair it. I knew that penis was gonna cause trouble.

It was an accident, all right? Did he feel bad about it?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, that's all that matters.

He's not used to moving around with it.

Yeah. Yeah. I can only imagine.

You gotta break some eggs to make an omelet, right?

Gotta break a couple watches to... know how to handle a big cock.

Sure. - Anyway, you're terrific. Congratulations.

See you, Freddy.

Hey! Hi, Buck!

Hi. Alice, right?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

What can I do for you?

Oh, I will have a cappuccino to go, please.

All right. Joey will take it from here.

Thank you.

Anything else? - Um, how are these? I've never had one before.

Oh, the scones? The scone. Is it good?

Oh, I think they're great.

You!

You! No!

No! I didn't do anything!

Oh, my God.

Are you okay? I think so.

I'm Mocha Joe. I'm Alice.

Why don't you come inside and sit down? I'll get you a cup of coffee.

Okay.

Did you guys make up? I mean, kind of.

It's been rough.

Yeah, we've been fighting. Oh. So sorry.

She's pissed at me.

Have a seat. Here?

Yeah.

You know, like, things you've said, it's not like you don't mean them, it's just the type of stuff you don't say.

You don't wanna make her cry, but at the same time, you're also not wrong, you know?

Eh-- Are you okay?

Yeah. Okay.

And like, like, race is always gonna be an issue.

Like, it's a part of being in an interracial relationship. - Yeah, yeah, of course.

Like, and then, having a baby is another--

You good? - Yeah. What is this thing? It's like-- half-chair, half-couch. It's a like a furniture centaur.

It's a daybed.

I hope-- I... I never want to blame hormones, 'cause then that's just like a typical overly masculine thing.

Just sit down! Okay.

Oh, shoes okay over there?

I'd rather you didn't.

Thank you.

Let me try that again.

Oh, f*ck. Okay.

So, Larry, do you have my watch?

I'm assuming that's why you came over, yeah? - Yeah.

So I brought it into KL Jeweler, like I told you I was going to, but it's closed up.

A spite store took him out of business.

Mila Kunis! These stupid spite stores.

Do you at least have it, then, if you didn't get it fixed?

There you go.

Larry, what the hell? So sorry.

What happened to this watch?

The giant penis of a recent sex-change recipient knocked it off the counter. What?

I'm so sorry. - I should've never trusted you with this, but I did. You took it, and you got it broke.

That's your fault. I'll take 50 percent of the blame.

Fifty percent goes to that penis.

Larry, this is an irreplaceable watch.

Yeah. - My grandfather gave-- Stop squirming! Please!

Sorry. - This is my grandfather's watch. I can't replace this.

I was gonna give it to my son.

Just get a comfortable spot and just stay there.

Okay.

Oh! I'm so sorry.

Oh, my God. Tara's having the baby.

What? I, I gotta go.

Oh, hey, I'll drive you.

Uh, excuse me. Hey, uh, pardon me.

My, my wife is having a baby.

I'm Will Cooper. You're the husband. Come.

She's been asking about you. Everything's fine.

Okay. I'll be here.

I thought I recognized you. Hey, Dr. Fuller.

How we doing, Larry? - Pretty good. Pretty good. Oh, my God.

The knee. Yeah?

It's, it's, it's like a miracle.

So just the PT, yeah?

PT. Some massage. Yeah.

Do you mind if I, I give it a squeeze? No, please.

Yeah, it's just there's no swelling left. - Yeah. Amazing, right?

Hi. How's it going?

Oh, boy. Oh.

Hey. Um...

Ben. Dr. Fuller.

I know who it is. Yeah. Oh.

Just getting out of surgery? Consultation, actually.

Oh. Surprising. Mm.

What are you doing here, Larry? Gettin' a third opinion?

Okay. Oh, come on. Don't be like that.

Don't be like what? - He's getting around great. He's happy.

Oh, yeah? You feelin' good, Larry? Yeah, I'm--

Knees holding up? Yeah, look. You know, it's really good. Yeah. - Look at that. Yeah. We'll see if that lasts.

Yeah. Um...

Hey. Uh, any of you guys know... Yeah.

...where I can get a, uh, a watch fixed?

Yeah, my brother-in-law owns a place on Pico.

Really? - He's the best in the business. Thirty years' experience.

What do you, what do you think?

I actually have a guy, too. What? What do--

You think this dipshit knows a better watch repairman It's always so competitive with you. 30 years of experience on Pico!

You know a better guy than that?

I know three guys better than Goldblatt!

Thirty years on Pico! The guy breaks watches for a living!

What do you know? Unbelievable!

He's the best in the business!

You worked for Larry David?

Yeah. Um...

Yeah, for a little bit, and...

You know, he was just so, like, weird and awful.

He was pervy about-- I have this tattoo here, and... he would always grab my hand, and ask me what it meant...

It's just the hand of Buddha, with the Eye of Providence.

Oh, my gosh. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, well... Sorry, I'm just like--

It's all kind of coming back to me, 'cause I had a bite of his scone, it was like, crumbly and dry, and it got caught in my throat.

They're terrible. That's a scone.

I can't wait for you to try it. Okay.

Oh, my gosh. That's so moist.

Right? It's supposed to be moist. Yeah.

This whole thing with the dry scone, it drives me crazy.

This is really good.

You think Larry David knows anything about making a scone like that?

I'm sorry. Uh, did you say Larry David?

Yeah, why? You know him?

He's an assh*le, right? One of the biggest.

Pull up a chair.

So. How do you know Larry?

Uh, from the club. But we do not get along at all.

Welcome aboard.

Oh, my God. What's wrong?

I just remembered I was gonna sue him for sexual harassment.

What?

He's perfect.

He's absolutely... He's so--

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey.

Look, aw, look at-- This is so exciting!

Larry, uh, drove me. Oh.

He was a complete mess. He never would have made it.

Thank you for driving me. - Thank you. We appreciate that. Thank you.

Yeah. Very cute.

Oh, thank you. What's his name?

It's Kwame. It's Kwame.

Kwame. Mm-hmm.

Nice name.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

I think so, too. Yeah.

A little-- A little light for a Kwame, no?

What? A lot of names to pick, but--

If he was a little darker, maybe.

Yeah, can you go, please? You need to get out.

Thanks. Thank you for... Shh, shh!

Hey, any of you guys want ginger ale?

Larry, get the f*ck out. Got it.

You guys have a good night.

You know, if you wanna take off, I can close up.

Really? Yeah.

You know how to do it? Yeah. Charge the cups, turn off the lights, lock the doors.

That's the one I always forget. Lock the f*ckin' door.

Hey. We got that big Johnson meeting tomorrow.

Okay. Thanks. Don't forget.

Oh. Oh, really?

I'm on to you. It's not gonna happen.

Abuse that siren all you want. I'm not pulling over.

You guys make me sick!

Yeah, uh-huh.

Good luck! Enjoy the coffee!

Get a line on that fire!

Excuse me, sir. You can't be this close. It's not safe.

No, no. It's my store!

Oh, jeez, I'm sorry. What the hell? What, what happened?

We won't know until we've got it under containment.

I just wish we would have gotten here sooner.

Some assh*le didn't respect the siren.

Hey! Let's get a ladder up and ventilate the roof.

No! No! What happened?

Mocha Joe's!

What did you do? I didn't do anything.

What did you do? Hey, look, my store's burning, too!

What do you think I did? You think I burned my store down?

First you open up a spite store, and then you burn my store down? Huh?

I'm gonna sue you.

I'm gonna sue you for everything you got.

When I get through with you, you'll be broke!

But I didn't do it! - Oh, I don't give a shit if you did it or not!

We'll let the judge decide! You hear me?

Sorry about your place.

Unbelievable, huh?

We did the best we could.

Tried to break one of the windows out, get some more hoses in there, but... all the tables were bolted to the floor.

Yeah, that's to prevent the table from wobbling.

Oh, you, you did that yourself?

Yeah, I don't like wobbly tables.

And you had Purell on every table, which is an accelerant.

People love the Purell.

And the tables that didn't wobble.

Normally in this situation, if we can't break the windows to get more hoses in, we'd access the water from the toilets, but we couldn't find them.

Yeah, there are no toilets. What?

Coffee's a diuretic, and you don't have toilets?

Yeah, I didn't want any defecating in the store.

We had urinals.

Where? I looked in there.

Oh, no. You gotta press the button. That opens up a chute.

What, like a secret compartment? Yeah, kinda.

And, uh, the ladies, they, they hang from a bar.

Yeah. - I don't get it. I don't get anything with this place.

Any idea how this started?

Yeah, it looks like it started in the storeroom.

Someone knocked one of these self-heating cups off a shelf, it hit some papers, turned on, heated up and ignited the papers.

Joey.

I knew that big penis was nothing but trouble.

I'm sorry, what?

I knew that big penis was nothing but trouble.

Okay, I guess I heard what you said.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Nah, it's a long story.

Anyway, if I was trying to tell someone how to burn a place down, I would suggest every step you took in your business.

So they're probably gonna investigate you.

You did so many stupid things, it looks like arson.

Arson?

Hey, Larry! Look! It's Larry David!

Hi, Larry.

I'm glad you're here.

You know, we never got a chance to thank you for the house.

I mean, we love it. We really do.

I mean, if it wasn't for the insurance money, and the lawsuit settlements-- Hey, you know what?

It's customary when people have a party to inform your neighbors as a courtesy.

Right, right. You're 100 percent right. I'm sorry.

Hey, Larry. We're having a party.

Oh, we're having one next week, too. That's right.

What are we having? What are we having? We're having a luau.

A luau! Isn't that right, Bogie?

You know why? Because that's what spite houses are for!