10x09 - Beep Panic

[bunniefuu]

Hi. I'm Larry David.

I want to tell you about a new store I'm opening called Latte Larry's.

Why am I getting into the coffee game?

Because I went to this coffee shop next door, and the guy was such a jerk that I felt like I had to do something, and now, you know what?

I got me a little spite store.

Tremendous things in here, by the way. You're gonna love it.

Look at this. Coat rack.

You ever see that anywhere?

Tables, they don't wobble.

And self-heating coffee cups.

Keeps coffee hot for two hours.

Check out that sign. This is a defecation-free store.

That's the kind of feature you dream about.

No defecating!

Urinators... welcome.

But if you are a defecator, or planning on defecating anytime soon, don't come down here. This is not your place.

Stay home. Go next door.

So come on down to Latte Larry's and have a hot cup of spite with me!

You're not gonna believe what's going on in here.

You'll be very impressed.

Come on!

Larry, that is the most amazing urinary experience I've ever had in my life. How about the tray?

It caught every drop, every single drop. Thank you.

Every drop.

Well, it's all working. Wow, man.

Huh? You were right about the beans.

Hey, going to Mickey's wedding, it's the greatest thing we ever did.

You know what I'm thinking?

I'm thinking, you need a title.

-I need a f*ckin' title. -You know, like assistant manager, -in charge of beans. -How about this one? Bean cobbler.

Bean-meister. I like bean-meister.

I'm gonna go use the pee cube. Peek your head in there.

Mocha Joe: See what I'm saying?

All day long, ever since he opened, in and out.

And it's a little light around here today.

-What do we do? -It would be great if you could go over there and just sort of check out the vibe. Why don't you go?

I'm banned. You're banned?

And, yeah. And my mother.

Do you believe it? Who's a saint, by the way.

-Your mom's banned? -Yeah, yeah. Just, you know, get a cup of coffee and come back.

Okay.

Oh, hey. Uh, a little wobbly. Yeah, you just put your foot on it, like that.

-It's not a big deal. All right, thanks. -All right.

♪ ♪

Aha, hey! Look who's here.

Hi. Is this for your benefit?

In case there's any handshaking to be done, I know I'm safe.

Have a little squirt. How'd you do this?

No wobble. Boy, that's solid.

You know, when you want to do something bad enough, you get it done, Ted.

Hey. How about a cup of coffee for Mr. Danson?

Thank you very much.

On the house.

Oh, that's very sweet of you. Yeah.

Coffee. Larry: Yeah.

Make sure to tell Mocha Joe about all the amenities that we have here.

I think he'd enjoy that.

Oh, hey. I know how, you know, fond you are of me, so, I share this to make you happy.

I'm going out with Cheryl tonight.

Thought you might want to know. Oh.

Thanks for keeping me in the loop. You bet.

Should be fun. She's a fun gal.

Gotta say, you know, he's doing some interesting things.

What do you mean?

Son of a bitch!

-That's good. He's got the beans. -Yeah.

It's good. I don't know how he did it.

No, this is... Yeah, but I gotta taste it again.

Whoa, whoa. Get your own.

♪ ♪

Aah!

Larry: I was nervous. I threw the phone, and I took off.

I had, like, this total beep panic.

'Cause you just want to get away from, from the other person.

-It's humiliating. Yeah, it is. -It's embarrassing.

'Cause you never wanna see this person again.

Right? It's almost like you're, like, caught doing something.

You know, once I panicked, I threw my phone out the window.

What'd you do? I had to get out of the car and get the phone.

Did you see the guy? Of course I saw the guy.

-What did he say? -He beeped, he was beeping as I was, as I was getting out of the car.

You put it in park. Yeah, of course I put it in park.

Well, I don't know. If you're so upset, who knows.

By the way, think about that, you leave it in drive, -you're just so overwhelmed... -Freddy: Right. That's what I mean.

So easy, get out of your car and your car is rolling down the street.

Turn into a whole thing. Freddy: Let's say he didn't put it in park.

Maybe the car goes through the light and hits a stroller.

-Who's responsible? I'm just saying... -Oh, so I k*lled a baby?

He could have. I k*lled a baby?

There, you're arrested for manslaughter. That's right.

All because you were texting. That's right.

And now you k*lled a child.

And now, how do you live with that?

Or you can go this way. This baby was the Hitler of the future.

No. Listen to me. I love the imagination, but it was a real story with real people. It didn't need sci-fi.

Yeah, what are you throwing sci-fi in there? Why are you making...

Larry and Freddy: You're missing the whole point.

Where's our food? This is unbelievable.

-Yeah. Where is she? I'm still hungry. -I'm starving.

Even though the baby's dead, I still wanna eat.

By the way, Susie's going out of town.

So I was thinking... golf trip.

It's rare for me to have this opportunity.

Let's go to Pebble Beach.

Wow. Fun.

Fantastic idea. I love that. I love that.

Pebble Beach. Who's our fourth?

Lewis. Larry: Lewis?

If he can take a break from his rehearsals.

Larry: Yeah. I mean, he might not even be able to do it.

He's doing Flowers for Algernon.

-Jeff: Charlie. -Larry: Charlie! Cliff Robertson...

In the movie. I remember I read the book.

Yeah, in a small theater.

-Freddy: Why's he doing that? -Because, you know why? I'm gonna tell you why.

Many of my clients do this.

They feel that unless they can play a mentally challenged person... Larry: Yeah.

That they're not, uh, worthy as an actor.

No one wants to see him do that.

I think that's where you're wrong.

I do. Jeff: Are we going together?

I do. Yeah. Jeff: Are we going together?

I'm going to every performance.

Jeff: I'll be there. Larry: Yeah.

Oh. Boy, that looks great. God, I'm hungry!

-I should've got the chicken. It looks terrific. -Oh, yeah.

I'll give you a piece. That looks terrific.

Jeff: Oh, it smells great. I'm so sorry again for the delay.

I have diarrhea, so...

I'm gonna come right back in a little bit and check on you, okay?

Having or had?

I'm pretty sure she said "have."

So she's in the throes of it.

I'm gonna go home.

I'm gonna go to the BMW dealer.

Get some licorice. They got the most fantastic licorice I've ever had in my life.

I pretend there's something wrong with my car, and then I grab a ton of it.

♪ ♪

Happened again. The lights, you know, it all...

Mr. David.

You're back again.

Hey. How ya doin'?

I'm doing all right. How are you? You run into another problem with the car?

Yeah. I'm not kidding. You're kidding?

This is like the third time this month.

What's going on? The, uh, the vents.

The air comes out and makes a bit of a whistling sound.

Oh.

The car is whistling. Yeah. Yeah.

-It's annoying. I can tell you that. -Yeah.

The last time you were here, you didn't have the whistle.

You had the check engine light that was blinking.

Yeah. But we couldn't replicate the blink.

Is that so? This is the third or fourth time this month, right?

The time before was something with the steering, it was pulling? Steering was pulling, yeah.

By the way, where do you get that licorice?

The licorice? Yeah.

I don't know. Maybe Bavaria.

Bavaria? I will find out where the licorice comes from. Yeah.

And hopefully we will figure out what the problem is with your car, too. I hope so.

I'm getting a little tired of coming in here all the time, you know? Yeah. I see that.

I will see what we can do. All right?

♪ ♪

You can't... $1.30 a cup?

We're not gonna make any money doing that.

What choice do I have? Put in some coat racks!

-No way! It's Southern California! -One coat rack!

We don't need a coat rack! All right, then at least fix your scones, Joe!

You eat them like they're going out of style!

Guys. Hey, guys.

Keep it down. You're disturbing the customers.

They're too moist. You never had a problem with the scones before.

They're too moist. You never had a problem with them before.

Come in, come in.

Enjoy the low prices.

Hey, have you tried Mocha Joe's?

Hey, you remember me? Ted Danson?

Cheers?

Becker? Cheers? Any... You remember me?

♪ ♪

f*ckin' tables.

Hey. Come on, buddy.

Come on, what? You gotta relax.

Relax what? $1.10 a cup, Mr. Danson.

I mean, really. Who are we kidding here?

You got money invested in this thing!

Joe, I'm worried about you. I'm serious.

Look, play some golf, you know?

-Get a massage. Go to the movies. -How can I go to the movies?

I'm running a business here. Okay, I'll tell you what.

I'm gonna lend you some of my screeners.

What are screeners? Um, they're DVDs of all the latest movies the Academy gives us so we can vote.

The thing is, though, you gotta give 'em back to me, 'cause they're all watermarked or something.

I could get into trouble. That's really nice of you.

I really appreciate it, Mr. Danson.

My mom would like that, too.

Can I get you a cup of coffee?

From here? No, I'm good.

Jeff: ♪ Hanukkah, Oh Hanukkah ♪

♪ Come light the menorah ♪

♪ We'll have a party ♪

♪ We'll all dance the hora ♪

♪ Hanukkah! ♪

♪ Lovin' the Hanukkah ♪

♪ Ya-da-da, da-da-da, da-da-da, da-da-da ♪

Ha!

Mm.

You have a wonderful trip.

What the f*ck are you so happy about right now?

Nothing.

Bags back in the car. I'm not going.

What are you talking about? Bags back in the car.

Take me home. What?

♪ ♪

Mocha Joe: I don't know how much longer I can do it, Ma. I'm slashing prices, but every time I make them lower, he lowers his!

Listen, you've gotta relax, sweetheart.

You have to. You know what?

Let's watch one of those movies that Ted Danson gave us. The Green Book.

It's about a guy from Arthur Avenue.

I don't, I don't know anything about it. Very good.

It starts at Arthur Avenue.

It ends at Arthur Avenue.

Very good story.

Come on. Sit next to me. Here you go. You can read a little more about it. Sit next to me.

No, I don't want to read.

I want to see the movie with you.

It's a terrific movie, sort of a nicer...

Goodfellas kind of thing, but nicer than that.

Oh, that Mr. Danson, he was really nice the way he gave us those.

What? Mocha Joe: Hold on a second.

What? I gotta make a call.

Now? Be quiet. I gotta call Larry David. Okay.

How you doing? It's Mocha Joe.

Richard: This is crazy.

Freddy: It's like a sweat lodge in here.

This is... Whose idea was this?

Why are we even eating here?

'Cause we're trying to avoid that waitress upstairs.

She literally said, "I have diarrhea. I'm so..."

Richard: She actually said it? No, no, she said it.

All right, let's stop talking about her.

This heat's making me nuts.

Aren't you hot? Take that thing off.

I can't take it off, because I don't, I don't have a collared shirt, and then Takahashi will, you know, suspend me.

It's so elitist and such bullshit.

Larry: Hey, get this. Mocha Joe called me.

Wants to get together.

I think he's crackin'.

Really? He's crackin'!

Larry: Yeah. You got him to crack.

He said, let's talk, you know, enough is enough.

Freddy: What's it gonna take? Larry: It's just an apology.

-And that's it? You shut down? -I shut down.

Jeff: Hey, Richard. How's the play rehearsal going?

Are you taking the role very seriously where it means the world to you?

It's the most important thing I've done in my...

In 50 years in show business.

Why don't we... I gotta get out of my actor's head.

I live and breathe this guy 24/7.

Why, why don't we talk about our golf trip that's coming up? The golf trip. Yes!

-Yes, yes. -Jeff: All right. Listen. Fellas...

I am terribly, terribly sorry.

Um, I can't go.

You can't go? You're kidding!

You kicked off the whole thing. I know I did.

I thought Susie was gonna leave town.

She has decided to stay home.

Wh... What happened?

I was too happy at the airport drop-off.

Oh, my God. Are you serious?

I was, uh, bouncy. I was dancing. I...

No, no, no. You gotta contain yourself at the drop-off.

Of course you're happy. Every husband is thrilled...

I couldn't contain myself. to drop their wife off at the airport.

But you gotta contain it, and you celebrate in the car

-on the way home! -It's Susie. I couldn't contain it!

What are you gonna do? Huh? He f*cked up.

I f*cked up. I'm so sorry. f*cked up.

That's a shame, but I understand.

Maybe we'll go, the three of us, huh? Pebble Beach.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hey, guys. How's it going?

What are you doing? I thought you worked upstairs.

I usually do, but with the AC thing, they moved me down here. Larry: What?

And here you are.

Beet salad.

Sorry about the heat.

They're fixing it, but it's a steamy one, right?

Okay. A soup for you.

And the salad is for you.

Light on the dressing. I did not forget.

Soup... Oh, my goodness.

Hold on. Did you ask for croutons?

I, I thought I remember I asked you.

You did or didn't?

But this is the soup you wanted, right?

♪ ♪ Waitress: Okay, do you guys want some bread?

Or, I, I feel like... All: No.

Waitress: Let me know if you need anything, okay?

It's hot. Sorry about the heat down here, guys.

-Yeah, we're good. Go. Yeah, we're good. -You're good?

I feel like something's... No, no. Everything's good.

Waitress: All right. I'll go. Okay.

Bye-bye. This is a fun table.

-Yeah. -Oh, thanks. Yeah, thanks. We're fine.

All right. I'll come back and check in.

Richard: Oh, great. Can't wait.

Uh, that's "Diarrhea." I put it together.

Top five most revolting thing I've ever seen in my entire life.

Ah, Mr. Takahashi!

You. Zip it.

Yeah. All the way.

Mr. Takahashi: You unzip again, two weeks, no golf. Larry: Okay.

By the way, how are you hittin' 'em, Mr. T?

Not your concern.

-Ah. -Mr. Takahashi: Gentlemen, I see you're not eating your food.

Freddy: No. Is there a problem?

Ah. Ah. No.

Food's good. If not food...

No. Must be waitress.

All: No.

Diane. All: No, no, no.

And her diarrhea.

All: No, no, no, no!

How do you even know about any diarrhea?

Everyone knows about diarrhea.

It wasn't the diarrhea.

If it's not diarrhea, what is it?

I... I don't know what it would be called.

Diane: Club sandwich and your soup.

All right, you guys let me know if you need anything else, okay?

Oh, boy.

Diane!

No one wants this.

Larry: Hey.

Hi.

I saw Takahashi yelling at you.

Don't take that personally. He yells at everybody.

Well, he fired me, so...

Oh, my God.

He fired you? Well, yeah.

So what do you do? You just, waiting...

You're taking a bus?

Yeah.

You don't have a car? No.

Cars are expensive.

Where are you going? Going home.

All right, come on. I'll take you.

Well, I appreciate you driving me home. Ah, of course.

Sorry about the whole incident. I mean...

-Firing. I can't be fired. -I, yeah, I, I didn't... I didn't... certainly mean to get you fired.

You could have just eaten the soup. Really?

With your sweat in the soup? I won't even eat my own sweat.

Huh? One drop of sweat is like plutonium.

You would eat my sweat if I dripped sweat in your soup?

I don't know, but to be polite, it's like, I don't know.

You'd eat your sweat to be polite?

If I had a girlfriend...

My wife, my ex-wife, if she came and served me some soup and sweated in the soup, I'm not, I'm not gonna eat the soup.

Maybe that's why you don't have a girlfriend or a wife.

Oh, really? You think the majority of people who are in relationships wanna eat sweat soup?

If your girlfriend accidentally sweat in your soup, it would be insulting to not eat it.

That would be a deal breaker for me.

You can't sweat in food. It's just...

It's like...

It's on the list of rules for a waitress.

Yeah. Okay. "Don't sweat in food."

Maybe it's a blessing in disguise.

I'm not sure you're really cut out for waitressing.

Between the sweat and then that whole diarrhea incident...

Okay, I'm just trying to be a waitress, and I wait on you again...

Come on, assh*le!

I wait on you guys all the time.

I just figured you would get it.

No, no one, no one gets it. No one's gonna get that.

No one's down with diarrhea, Diane!

Okay. Well, now I know. And now I...

It cost me my job, so now I'm... I've learned.

So what are you gonna do now?

-I don't know. I used to do retail, so... -Yeah.

I guess maybe I won't do that.

Hey, you... You know what?

I just opened up a coffee shop.

I could actually use somebody in, in the store.

-If you're... If you're interested. -Really?

I would, of... Yeah. I would, I would be interested.

Of course. You would?

You have AC? Yeah.

Great. Fantastic.

It's just amazing to me how things work out sometimes, you know? Yeah.

Hey, let me ask you this question.

Do you like licorice?

Sometimes I like a black, and then I'll go weeks with only wanting red.

Yeah. And then I switch back to black.

Mr. David. What a surprise. Larry: Oh!

Hello! What's the problem today?

Well, uh... Let me guess.

Another mysterious odor?

Possibly a sound like a snake?

No. No?

No. Actually... Yes?

Looking for a new car.

Really? Yeah, really.

And my friend Diane is gonna help me pick one out.

She knows all about cars.

She gets Motor Trend magazine.

She reads all that stuff. Diane: I do.

I know all the brands.

And I'm so dissatisfied with my car because of everything that you just alluded to. Uh-huh.

So you want a new car? Yeah.

Well, why don't you head on over there where the cars are.

You know what? I know where the cars are.

Well, shall we go over there?

Yeah, yeah. We're gonna go over there.

Great. Let's go.

Oh, you gotta get a piece of this.

Oh, this is tremendous. You gotta get a piece of this.

Okay. Wow. Yeah. Yeah.

What is this even? It's licorice.

Oh. Cool. Yeah.

Why don't we shop for a new car now?

You know what? That's exactly what I'm gonna do.

-This looks... yeah, yeah. -Right? Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Wonderful.

-That looks good. -That's wonderful. That's wonderful.

That's a good one. Look at that.

Huh? How about that one? Diane: Yeah. Beautiful rims.

Larry: Yeah. This is so good.

Yeah. Told you.

Larry: I think it's from Germany.

Diane: I want to get a red one.

Larry: Well, let's go. Yeah. Diane: Yeah.

Look, you don't fool me, Mr. David.

You're not here to buy a car. Well, you are mistaken, okay?

I am here to buy a new car.

Am I not buying a car? Yeah, what is... What?

I don't believe you for a second.

Oh, you don't? That is correct.

-I'm buying a car! -Oh, really? You're buying a car?

Uh, yes, I am. Which one?

Which one? Salesman: Yeah, which one?

Which one? That one!

Yeah. That one!

You're buying that one.

Yeah, I'm buying that one.

The I-8. Yeah.

Yeah. That's a top-of-the-line car.

That's why I'm buying it.

You can drive that off the lot right now.

Okay. I will.

Get the paperwork.

I want it fully loaded.

Great choice. Good.

-I'm not gettin' a new car, huh? -Larry, he bought it! He totally thinks you're buying a new car!

I am buying a new car!

-Really? -Who does he think he is? He can't talk to me like that!

Salesman: Congratulations. Thank you.

You are quite welcome. Yeah, okay.

So you thought I was just walking around the showroom, you know, eating licorice.

-Right? Huh? -You stepped up to the plate. Now you got a beautiful piece of machinery right here. Yeah.

I got something else for you. Hold on. Yeah.

Oh, my God.

-Look at this! Licorice! -Wow.

That's a nice touch. Wow.

All right, you enjoy that. Don't tell anybody else.

We don't like to give it out to just anybody. Don't worry.

Congratulations. Yeah. All right. Thank you.

Drive safe. Okay.

Hey, look at this, huh? Wow.

Thank you. Yeah.

Look what I got. Huh?

Is this even me? This car? I mean, look at it.

A lot of the douchebags at the club have it.

No offense. But this is a popular car at the club.

Oh. Now I got the other car. I got two cars.

That's your biggest problem. You got two cars. I mean...

I don't even have one car. I don't even know what bus I'm gonna take to my new job.

Okay.

What?

No.

Yeah. Go ahead.

Take the car. Are you kidding?

Take it! Take the car.

Larry, this is n...

Huh? Yeah. I'm just gonna take it?

This is worth getting fired over. Are you kidding me?

This is an incredible day. Thank you.

I will see you at work.

I gave you a car! You just gave me a car!

I gave you a car! What's wrong with me?

I don't think anything. Uh, how do I get to the freeway from here?

Take a right, then another right, then go through the light, and second left.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Go.

What are you doing? Come on.

Aah! Larry: What the f*ck?

Larry?

Are you kidding?

You came out of nowhere. I came out of...

You were on your cell phone! Larry, you just went right through.

I know exactly what happened. I saw it.

I looked at you, you were texting.

Somebody beeped you, you had beep panic, you threw the phone away.

Look, there's your phone right in the front seat.

You threw it down. And you were playing Candy Crush!

I've done it myself. I just had beep panic the other day.

Fine. They scared me, behind me.

And I went. And I went! Of course. I know.

Okay. So okay. I know how it works, so okay.

So we've both done it. I see it. I get it.

All right. I guess that, um, I mean, we should exchange information.

What are you talking about? Well...

It's all my information.

Anyway, look at this.

Nothing's wrong with this car.

There's a little dent in the bumper, but...

This is bad.

Oh, my God.

Okay, you know what? I'm gonna call the, uh, tow company.

I'll get the new one towed, and, and then I'll...

I'll, you know, I'll take you home.

Your cars is the one that's being towed.

How are you gonna drive me home? I'll drive you home in my car.

This is my car.

Come on. What do you...

This is my... You just gave me this car. What do you mean it's your car?

Yes, I gave it to you with very good intentions, until you wrecked my car!

You gave me the car, so it's my car. Are you serious?

Are you serious? What?

You just give away cars and take 'em back?

Oprah doesn't just give out cars and then take them back.

Does that seem fair to you that I gave you a car, you hit my new car, and now I don't have a car?

-That seems fair? -I, I don't know. What is fair?

-No. -What's fair is for things to go back to the way, the way they were 15 minutes ago...

Well, I didn't have a car 15 minutes ago and now I do. when I had a car.

Well, I would love to give you a ride home.

I would love to give you a ride home.

Well, how are you gonna do that without a car, Larry?

Please take me home.

Okay. Thank you.

-It's unbelievable. Now I gotta get a new car. -Uh-huh.

I'm gonna get rid of that new one, and I'm gonna buy the same car I had before.

Why don't you just drive your old car?

I gave it away.

When you tell a m*therf*cker that story, you should say, "Lo and behold."

When a m*therf*cker says, "Lo and behold," it makes me f*ckin' react. Oh, that is such a good observation.

"Lo and behold..." Yeah. Lo and behold, I gotta buy my, my old car new.

Now the story don't sound so far-fetched and shit.

Hey, how many pieces of licorice have you had?

Maybe about eight.

I haven't seen you take one piece of red licorice yet.

Only black for you? f*ck, yeah.

Everything's black, isn't it? Right?

Something wrong with a person supporting black and shit?

Black licorice, black jelly beans, f*ckin' blackouts, burnt toast. I don't give a f*ck, I eat burnt toast.

Oh, so you must love pumpernickel.

Oh, f*ck yeah. I take that piece of burnt-ass toast, put it between two pieces of f*ckin' pumpernickel, have a burnt-toast pumpernickel sandwich.

You feel me? Oh, I feel you.

Hey, when are you going on that golf trip?

You know, I've been thinking about it.

Jeff's not going. I'm not gonna go.

Oh. It's ridiculous.

That big m*therf*cker's the glue.

Yeah, he's the glue.

Mm. Jesus.

Boy, my stomach's really bothering me.

Oh. Hey. That's Mocha Joe.

He wants to talk to me. So, um, do me a favor.

-Keep an eye on him. I don't trust this guy. -Yeah.

All right? You're right.

I don't trust him, either.

Larry: So, Mocha Joe, what can we do for you?

Does he have to be here?

-I was hoping we could talk alone. -Larry: Yeah, well, he's a business associate.

We actually refer to him as the bean-meister.

He's always staring at me. Larry: I wouldn't worry about it.

-He stays. -All right, look. You know, I've been thinking about this, what's going on between us, and I just wanna... say that, uh, I think we need to...

Mocha Joe: It's time that we, uh...

Aah!

Mocha Joe: Something wrong?

Mocha Joe: You okay? You don't look good.

Aah, just excuse me just for a second.

Larry: Aah!

Oh!

You think maybe you should check on him?

He's good.

You okay?

I'm fine.

You don't look too good.

If you will excuse me... Mocha Joe: Sure thing.

Ooh.

Where is he?

I don't know.

Mocha Joe!

You were supposed to watch him!

My belly started to f*ckin' bubble.

I couldn't control myself!

I come out of the bathroom... he's not there.

Not there.

He's just negotiating.

That's negotiating? On what planet is that negotiating?

I do it with my mattress guys. I have 'em out there pounding cotton.

And, uh, family throws out a quote they don't like, I tell 'em to just get out of there, walk away.

Mocha Joe's not negotiating.

That sucker's got something up his sleeve.

Now, let's talk about something that we're all excited about...

A little magical place called Pebble Beach.

By the way, I, I'm not gonna go on the golf trip.

Why not? I don't wanna go with three guys.

All right, you don't wanna do three, we'll find a fourth.

Okay, you know what? It, it's not even that.

I, I don't wanna do it without Jeff.

Jeff was the glue, anyway. Let's face it.

His absence will be felt. That's true.

I wasn't that thrilled about going, either, -without Jeff. Maybe it's best for me. -See?

I do have the play coming up and I gotta study my lines.

Can we prevail upon you to give us a... a little snippet?

The role? Larry: Yeah.

I'd love to see the process.

Freddy wants to see it.

Aah, that's a little unfair. I mean, look, the people are around here... Larry: Yeah, so what?

Come on, Charlie. Richard: Nah, no.

Yoo-hoo, Charlie! Charlie, are you in there?

Charlie! Char... Charlie!

I'm gonna get that operation. You know why?

'Cause I'm smart. I'm smarter than that mouse, that stupid mouse.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Why are you laughing?

Jeez, a compliment. You have a natural touch.

-It was the initial response. But it's very good. -Freddy: Yeah.

-It was hilarious. -It's not hilarious. I'm a... It's dramatic.

It was very moving, then.

Wow.

What do you know? Look who's here.

Coming for a little lunch? Susie: Yeah.

What the hell is this?

Oh, this is my loaner car.

Yeah, but it's white. Larry: So what?

The color of a car doesn't really matter to me, because I don't really see it when I'm inside the car.

It's like being inside your face.

I don't know what my face looks like.

Who forgets their face?

I'm in a capsule. I don't know.

Everything's coming from inside the capsule.

So the outside of the car is a mystery to me.

I don't believe you for a f*cking second.

And I think you're obsessed with the white car, and you're embarrassed by it. Larry: Hey, by the way, our little golf trip to Pebble Beach...

Yeah? Has been canceled.

Boo-f*cking-hoo.

Yeah, anyway, you know, I have something for you here you might enjoy. Yeah. Really?

Here you go. What is this?

It's only the best licorice in the world.

It comes from Bavaria. You'll never taste anything like it.

Turn the TV on, put that in front of you, and, and you will enjoy yourself.

All right, well, thank you, Lar. I appreciate it. All right. Okay. Sure.

Have a nice day in your white car.

By the way, I don't see the hood.

By the way, I don't believe you. Yeah.

Bye, Lar. Bye.

Thank you. Sure.

What the f*ck am I gonna do with this?

I hate licorice. It's disgusting.

Larry: Cappuccino for Katie! Cappuccino for Katie!

Cappuccino for Katie.

Okay, coffee and a croissant.

Larry, we need to charge the self-heating cups.

Where's Diane? She's supposed to be here.

I have no idea where she is!

Oh, my God. What is wrong with her?

Oh, hey, Larry. -Larry: Where are you?

Oh! Oh, my goodness. I totally forgot.

I'm so sorry. I was gonna call you.

I'm actually not gonna come in anymore.

-What? What are you talking about? -I just wanna travel while I have the chance before I get another job.

You have a job! I'm thinking of going to Europe or maybe Thailand.

Europe? You can't go to Europe! You don't have any money.

Well, actually, I sold my car.

Oh, my God. You sold my car?

Are you kidding? Well, it was actually my car, and I sold it on eBay, which I didn't know you could even do.

What the f*ck? It was pretty low mileage.

So I got a lot for it. I gave it to you so you'd have something to drive.

'Cause I was a nice guy.

Well, I don't need to drive anymore, 'cause I'm going on this trip.

Aah!

Hey, uh, we're out of napkins.

Barista: They're in the back.

Next?

Hello? Next!

Sir?

Hey! Oh.

Man: I'm sorry.

Larry: Oh, f*ck! Man: I'm sorry. I am sorry.

Aah! Aah. I'm so, so sorry.

Larry: Weren't you looking where you're going?

Man: You just came out of nowhere. You all right?

No. No, I'm not. I apologize.

Oh, okay. Is that your phone?

I see what happened. You were on your cell phone, and somebody yelled, "Next," and you panicked, right?

Yes. I had "next panic," okay?

Ow. Jeez. Aah.

I may never walk normal again.

You know, nothing personal.

Are you Larry David?

What? Yeah?

Mr. David, does look familiar?

What? It's a screener.

These screeners are digitally marked with your name, and there are copies of these appearing all over town.

Impossible! Impossible.

I, I didn't give them to, to anyone!

We got some questions for you, sir. What?

Questions? What kind of...

This is ridiculous!

Hey, my goodness. What are you doing?

You know, you're treating me like a w*r criminal, for God's sake.

That's him.

He did it. He took my screeners.

Took 'em from my house. This guy.

Yeah, this guy.

I had too much licorice from Bavaria, and it gave me diarrhea, and when I was in the bathroom, he took the screeners!

Licorice? Bavaria?

I really hope you get the help you need.

That's the guy who... He was in my house! In the car.

Thanks, guys. I really appreciate what you do.

Bye, Larry.

Stop sending people over to shit in my store!

Richard: That's insanity. For a screener?

They can't fine you that much.

Larry: Well, they did.

The FBI, they can do whatever they want.

What are you gonna do? I'm, I'm lucky I'm not in jail.

Ten minutes. Ten minutes.

All right, thanks.

Have a good show, Richard, See you out there. You, too, buddy.

Break a leg. How does my makeup look?

What's, uh, what's happening with the hair?

It's Charlie's hair.

Charlie looks like he spends a lot of time at off-track betting.

Well, that's reassuring five minutes before I go on.

How dare you. You're like a rabbi heckling me at my bar mitzvah.

What is this?

This? That tin? Larry: Yeah.

It's licorice. Susie gave it to me.

Oh. Did she? Richard: It's delicious.

You ate this whole thing? Yeah, in about five hours.

I'd give you one, but I'm a little anxious, so I ate all of 'em today.

I think I'm a licorice addict now.

Oh, my gosh.

Why? What's wrong?

Nah. Nothing.

Richard: Well, thanks for coming. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. Break a leg.

Hey, don't be depressed. If you want some, you know, it's German licorice.

It's the best. All right. Yeah, I know where it's from.

It's showtime, Charlie.

Algernon beat you.

You lost, Charlie.

Does that mean that I won't get the operation?

'Cause I lost?

I can do better than that.

I want that operation. I, I wanna be s-s-s... smart.

We'll have to see what Professor Nemur says, Charlie.

I'm not afraid of the operation.

Aah. Whoa.

Oh!

I, I ain't afraid of nothing.

Because I'm strong.

Charlie?

Oh.

Did you want to say something about being right?

Charlie...

Whoa. Richard...

Aah!

So, you're operating this place just out of spite?

Yeah.

It's a spite store.

♪ Everybody in the Big Johnson community knows you can't wear underwear.

There's a Big Johnson community?

I'd like to... see if I can join.

How are you getting in the Big Johnson community without a big johnson? You can't.

Hey! Hi!

How do you induce labor? Can you scare someone into labor?

Yeah, you go into the bushes, she's walking down the street, and all of a sudden, you jump out. Ha!

Are... you in the bushes? Yeah.

-You need surgery. -What if I got a... second opinion?

Why? My late mother.

"Larry, what are you doing? Get a second opinion!

Are ya stupid?"

Even though she's dead, I need to shut her up.

♪