05x07 - Man in the Middle

[bunniefuu]

Starring Andy Griffith...

With Ronny Howard...

Also starring Don knotts.

Thanks for lunch.

It was good.
Mmm.

Well, I guess I
better go to work.

I guess I'd better, too.

Pick you up tonight.
Eight o'clock?

Fine. Wear that
pretty green dress.

You look good in that.

You like that green dress

don't you?
Yeah, I like that.

Excuse me.

What's the matter with him?

Oh, I don't know, but
I expect I'll find out.

Well?

I don't want to talk about it.

Okay.

It's kind of personal.

It's over anyway,
so let's not talk about it.

Finis, it's done.

No point in bringing it up.
Fine.

It's Thelma Lou.
Oh?

I don't want to talk about it.

Well, you've probably
already guessed it anyway

so... I might as
well tell you.

Thelma Lou and me,
we had a fight.

Oh... well, you've had
little battles before.

Not like this one, Andy.

This was the granddaddy
of them all, the big b*mb.

Oh?

Came from right out of the blue.

We were sitting
on her front porch

and all of a sudden

she claimed
I never took her anyplace.

Oh, boy,
I really steamed at that.

What a ridiculous thing to say.

We go to church every sunday

Tuesday nights,
it's her place for television

Thursday nights,
it's the diner for the special

and Friday nights

when I'm on duty,
she's here for coffee.

She just as much
as said I was cheap.

Well, they are
kind of low-budget evenings.

You know
it's not the money, Andy.

Aw, Barn...

Women go through phases.

Excuse me.

They feel like you're
taking them for granted

or you're not paying
them enough attention

or something like that,
but it'll all blow over.

No, not this time, Andy.

She came right out and said

she didn't want
to see me anymore

and I said that was okay with me

and she said it was
okay with her, too

and that was it...
Finis, the end, curtain...

And I don't want
to talk about it.

Well, I'm sorry
to hear that, Barn.

Five years...

Five years wasted!

Oh, well, now,
they weren't wasted.

You had a good time.

Had a nice relationship.

That's so typical of you,
you know that, Andy?

You just k*ll me.

I mean, you're always...

You're always looking
on the bright side.

You know...

Well...

What the heck,
maybe you're right.

It's not the end of the world.

It's not a matter
of life or death.

Life goes on, right?

Sure.

Probably we were just...
Never meant for each other.

Well...that's possible.

Ships that pass in the night.

Something like that.

What's so terrible about living
the rest of your life

without a woman anyways?

What?

There are plenty of guys
living full lives without women.

Uh...maybe.

Look at old jed macintyre.

He's been living all alone
out in that shack for years.

Is he complaining?

Every time you see him

he's happy,
wearing a big, broad smile.

Talking to himself.

All right,
maybe he's an exception.

What about the guys
that sail the seven seas

or mine for gold up in Alaska?

They manage.
Barn...

Can I tell you something? Sure!

After a good night's sleep
and a cooling-off period

you might change your mind
about women.

No, no. Not a chance.
I'm no kid, Andy.

I've been around the block.

I'm finished with women
for good!

I'm sorry, Thelma Lou.

No, I sorry.

I had no right talking to you
the way I did.

You had every right.

I was way off base...

And starting Thursday night

at the diner, no more specials.

Oh, I love the specials.
No.

From now on it's whole hog.

It's steak sandwich time.

Steak sandwich time?

That's right.
Dollar and a quarter.

Oh, Barney.

And what's more,
it isn't going to be soup or salad.

It's going to be both.

What's more important
than our happiness?

What is it?

It's nothing, really.

Barney, what is it?

Oh, that Andy...

What

oh, it's just something he said.

Come on and tell me.
It isn't fair.

Is it a joke?

Well, Barney, tell me.

Well...
This'll k*ll you.

He said...

He said that maybe you
weren't meant for me.

Andy said that?

Well, he meant well.

I mean...
What a thing to say.

I always thought Andy liked me.

Well, he does.
It has nothing to do

with whether or not
he likes you.

He was just trying to help me.

Help you get rid of me.

No, not that at all.

Look, let's forget about Andy.

After all these years
of being so friendly to my face.

But, thel, you're making a
big thing out of nothing.

I can't believe it.

But... well...Maybe
he didn't even say it.

Well, it's nice to know
who your friends are.

Barney, if you don't mind,
I think I'll go inside.

Look, thel...

Barney, if you don't mind.

Well, don't take it out on me!

I was only trying
to make conversation!

Hey, Barn, what's
the matter with Thelma Lou?

Thelma Lou?

Yeah, I ran into her
on the street

and she wouldn't speak to me.

Oh...it'll pass.

What'll pass?

Well, if you want
to know the truth

she was a little sore last night

when I told her what you said.

What I said?
What'd you tell her?

Just what you said.
What'd you say I said?

You said maybe Thelma Lou
wasn't the girl for me.

I didn't say that.
You said that.

Oh, come on, Andy.
We sat right here

and you said
it was very possible

that Thelma Lou
wasn't the girl for me.

You said that. I didn't.

I was just trying
to make you feel better.

Well, don't get upset.

So you did go off the
deep end a little bit.

But, heck, it'll blow over.

But, you know, Andy

take a tip from a guy
that's been around.

When two friends... especially
when it's a man and a woman...

Are having a fight,
just don't get involved.

It don't work.

Am I getting
through to you, fella?

Do you know the back
of your neck's all red?

You better start wearing a hat
when you go out in the sun.

That's what he said.

He told Barney I...I probably
wasn't the girl for him.

I just don't believe it.

Oh, it's true, Helen.

Barney wouldn't lie
about a thing like this.

I was never so surprised
in my life.

Are you sure
Barney isn't exaggerating?

You know, he does tend
to go overboard sometimes.

Oh, Andy said it, Helen.
I know Barney.

Well, I know Andy.

Oh...don't misunderstand,
Thelma Lou.

I don't mean to take sides.

It's just that I happen to know
Andy likes you very much.

He speaks so highly of you.

Oh, yes... to my face.

Now, wait a minute.

Have you talked to Andy
about this?

I never want
to talk to him again.

I don't think
you're being very fair.

I'm not being fair?

You and Andy are the ones
who aren't being fair.

Oh, now, just a minute...
You're taking his side.

I'm not taking anybody's side.

Actually, it's none
of my concern.

Well...

Well, I'm sorry
I bothered you with it.

Oh, Thelma Lou,
wait just a minute.

Come sit down and
have your coffee.

It's not like you
to be this childish.

Childish?

I didn't expect that from you.

Oh, Thelma Lou, please...

Well, it's nice to know
who your friends are.

What's with Helen crump?
What do you mean?

Well, I was just
talking to Thelma Lou

and she said Helen gave
her a pretty rough time.

Helen did?
I didn't think Helen

could give anybody a rough time.

What happened?

Well, Thelma Lou
was telling Helen

what you said about us

and Helen told Thelma Lou
she was acting like a child.

Oh...well, you'll have to admit
Thelma Lou is making

a pretty big thing
out of nothing.

Yeah, but to call her a child...

She is being
pretty oversensitive

about a misunderstanding.

Yeah, but to call her
a child, Andy...

Sometimes, Thelma Lou does get
a little childish.

And Helen doesn't?
I've never seen it.

I have.
When?

Today. It's pretty childish
of Helen

to tell Thelma Lou
she's acting like a child.

I don't.
I do.

Well, if you want
to know the truth,

you're acting pretty childish
about this.

You're kidding.

No, right now,
you're acting like a big kid.

Oh, swell, take the dame's...

Hold it!

Don't call Helen a dame.

She called Thelma Lou a child.

Helen is not a dame.

Well...

I never thought I'd
live to see this day.

Well, I don't understand at all.

Well, then, just let me
explain it to you.

The day that my best buddy
would turn against me

because of some woman...
Now, wait a minute.

No, you wait a minute.

I've known you
for more than years.

Now, Helen comes along,
acts like a child,

and all of a sudden,
everything she says is right

and everything I say is wrong.

The years we've
known one another

have nothing to do with it.

It just happens
that in this case,

I'm sorry, you're wrong,
and Helen is right.

And I'm acting like a child?
Exactly.

"So deep a friendship

"hath one man for another

that no female caress
shall ever tear it asunder."

Boy, the guy that wrote that
must've been some kind of a nut.

Morning, Barn.
Andy.

Nice morning.
Mm-hmm.

Now, wait a minute.

Now, we're going to have
to work together

so let's just get this settled.

Nothing to be settled.

Now, wait a minute.

Now, there's no reason

for us to be mad
at one another all day

because Helen
called Thelma Lou a child.

Thelma Lou is not a child.

I know she's not,
but it doesn't make any sense

for us not to talk
to one another

because some...Third party
made a remark.

The third party did make the
remark, though, didn't she?

Well, yeah, but do we have
to get mixed up in it?

Thelma Lou happens
to be my girl.

Well, Helen's my girl.

So what?

Now, let's just go to work
and forget it.

Well, what do you say?
Well...

Well, what do you say?

Well...okay.

Good.

Now, if we can just
figure some way

to get them two girls together.

Yeah. Well,
it don't always work

as easy with women
as it does with men.

No, they're usually pretty petty

about a thing like this.

Yeah.

Hi, Barney. I came over
as soon as I could.

What's wrong?
Well, I'll tell you in a minute.

Why don't you just
sit down and relax?

You said it was an emergency.

Well, it is, kind of,
but it can wait.

You want some coffee?

How's everything at the office?

I just dropped
everything at the office...

Oh, hi, Helen.

For gosh sakes.
Come on in.

Well, I came right over, Barney.

What's the matter?

I have to get back
to the office.

Now, wait a minute.

Now, I called you two here

to put an end
to this foolishness.

I think you ought to make up

and get everything
straightened out.

I have papers to grade.

I have to get
back to the office.

All right.
All right.

That's the way you
want it, you got it.

There's the door.
Go ahead.

Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy

if you two aren't a couple
of typical women...

Typical, overemotional,
petty women.

I resent that, Barney.

Hasn't there been enough trouble

without you calling us names?

What names?

Helen, maybe we'd better leave.

Boy, oh, boy, Andy was right
when he said what he said.

What did Andy say?

He said it wasn't worth
breaking up a friendship

just because
some third party said something.

Who did he mean
by the third party?

Well, you, I guess.
You said...

And he said, "third party"?

Well, yeah, you know,
a figure of speech.

Didn't he even mention her name?

Well, what's so awful
about "third party"?

It's not dirty.

It's a terrible thing to say.

Almost as if Helen
doesn't exist.

Well, he didn't mean anything
by it.

It isn't what he said,
it's what he didn't say.

We'd better go, Thelma Lou.

Well, this is a surprise.

The name is Helen crump,
c-r-u-m-p.

What was that all about?

Women, they're all nuts.

That whole thing was

because you said, "third party,"
this morning

and didn't mention Helen
by name.

Did I say that?

Yeah, in the car this morning.

You said, "why get upset"

over a remark made
by a third party?"

And she got her back up
because of that? Yeah.

Well, I got to tell you

I'm pretty sick of
this whole thing.

I'm just fed up with it

and if that's the
way she wants it

I want you to know that's
the way she's gonna have it.

Well, I'm fed up, too.

I'm sick
of the whole thing, too.

You try to bring
two people together

and what do you get?
Heartaches!

Well, I've had it.

It'll be a cold day in August

before I play the role
of peacemaker again.

Let th work it out.

These things can always
be worked out, thel.

Barney, Helen is very upset.

She said she didn't care
if she ever sees Andy again.

Well, Andy feels the same way.

Well, Barney, we have
to do something about it.

Well, what can we do?

There must be something.

You got any ideas?
Mnh-mnh.

Listen, while we're thinking
about it...

No, Barney, please.

Well, why don't we just forget
about the whole thing?

It'll probably work itself
out, one way or another.

Who knows, maybe they
weren't even meant

for each other
in the first place.

Barney!

Well, it was just a thought.

I've got it... a blind date.

Well, how's that gonna
get them together?

A blind date
with each other, silly.

Well, he knows her
and she knows him.

What's blind about that?

Who says they have to know

they're going out
with each other

oh...

Yeah.

Let's think about that
for a little while.

While we're thinking about it,
why don't we just...

You didn't have to come

all the way over here,
Thelma Lou.

We're going back to your place
to pick up my date.

Oh, she's not at my house.

I thought you said
she was staying with Thelma Lou.

Oh, no, not with me.

No, no, I didn't
say, "Thelma Lou."

I just said,
"with friends."

Oh, has she got other friends
in town?

Lots of friends.

She's a very friendly girl.

That's why we knew
you'd like her.

What's her name?

Millie.
Grace.

She... she goes by either.

Something awful strange
going on.

Will you just relax?

You'll have a wonderful
time with Millie grace.

Now, let's go.

What are we doing
in front of Helen's house?

Now, ange, you know

you're gonna make
up sooner or later.

Hurry up and go get her.

How'd you come up
with an idea like this, anyway?

It's the kind of thing
we used to do in high school.

Well, we had to try something.

It's what kids do.
We were desperate.

Does Helen know it's me?

No, it's just
a straight blind date.

Everything's fine.

It's Andy.

Oh, Thelma Lou,
how embarrassing.

Oh, not really.

Well, did he know
I was his blind date?

Not till we drove up.

Well, he's still there.

That's a very good sign.
Come on.

Good evening, Barney.

Andy.

Helen.

Barn...
Yeah, ange?

I thought you said

we was going
to a movie or something.

Well, yeah, I thought about that

but, uh,
it's just an awful picture...

The monster from out of town...

So I thought maybe
a little fresh air

would do us all a world of good.

Where are you going?

Oh, uh, just thought I'd stretch
my legs a little bit.

Honey, want to stretch
your legs a little bit?

Not really.

I think I'd like to stretch
my legs a little, Barney.

Oh, I'll come with you.
We'll be all right.

Look, an...
Look...

What were you going to say?

No, you go ahead.

I-I really didn't have
anything to say, anyway.

I didn't, either.

Listen, I'm sorry...
Andy, I'm sorry that...

What'd you say?
What'd you say?

Andy, I'm sorry.

I should've known you
didn't mean anything

by what you said.

Well, it's my fault
to start with.

I never should've
gotten involved

in their problems.

We both learned a lesson.

Forget it?
Forget it.

Dancing? Who wants
to go dancing?

Nobody wants to go dancing.

How do you know?

At least on a Saturday night

can't we go some place?
I'll pay for it.

It's got nothing
to do with money.

Now, just let me tell you...

If you tell me once more

that the best things
in life are free, I'll scream.

I wasn't gonna say that.

Just once in a while,
can't we do something different?

You'd think I was
some sort of gold digger.

I never said that.

Andy, Helen, am I right
or am I wrong?

Well, I think...

Boy, as soon as they're through,
are we ever gonna have a fight.

♪ I wish I was a red rosy bush ♪

♪ On the banks of the sea ♪

♪ And every time
my true lover passed ♪

♪ She would pluck a Rose
off of me ♪

♪ We have loved,
and we have parted ♪

♪ You are all the world to me ♪

♪ If your heart
belong to another ♪

♪ In my grave, I'd rather be ♪

Oh, that's so pretty.

Mm.
It's a pretty song.

Play "the fox."

Oh.
"The fox."

♪ the fox went out
on a chilly night ♪

♪ And he prayed for the moon
for to give him light ♪

Hey, Barn sings that, too.

Hey, Barn!

You and Thelma Lou come on out
and let's sing "the fox."

Barn?

Andy.

Oh, hi, Thelma Lou.

Barney not gonna sing "the fox"?

I just wondered
if you wanted to sing "the fox."

No, I got to get on home.