05x02 - Barney's Physical

[bunniefuu]

Starring Andy Griffith...

With Ronny Howard...

Also starring Don knotts.

Oh, mornin', Barn.

Mornin', Andy.

Well, I see you forgot.

Forgot what?

What day this is.

May th five years ago...
What happened?

Somethin' happened to you?

Yeah.

Well, think.

Uh...you met Thelma Lou?

No. That was in
at wilton Blair's funeral.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Try again.

Oh, you moved

into miss mendelbright's
boardin' house?

No.

As far as I can figure,

they're the high spots.

I want you to try and guess.

I can't guess.

Come on, guess!

Barney...

Will you guess?

Well...

I joined the sheriff's office.

Man, you'd think that'd be
the kind of a day

you'd remember
right off the bat.

Well, I had it.

I was about to come out with it.

Well, it's okay.

Just happened to be

a pretty important day
in my life.

Oh, well, yeah.

It's just
that I've been so darn busy.

It's all right.
You don't have to apologize.

Well...I'm sorry.

It's okay, believe me.

These things happen,
I know that.

I understand.
So let's just drop it.

Okay.

I just happen to be
the only deputy you've got.

I don't think that's
a gigantic thing to remember.

Barn, I...

You want to forget it?

Well, I...

Let's consider the subject
closed.

Okay.

I don't know
if you know this, Andy, but...

Joinin' the sheriff's office

was a pretty big
decision for me.

Well, yeah, it would be.

You know, I think I was
always meant to be a lawman.

Hmm.

And let me say this, Andy,

a big part of it
has been workin' with you.

Good.

Well, don't get
overemotional about it.

Boy, you're really
a sentimental one, aren't ya?

Well, now, Barn...

Forget it, forget it, forget it.

Any calls?

Yeah, one.

There's a bent lamppost
over on the corner of maple.

Well, I'll get right on it.

Spend five years in the place,
it's like nobody even noticed.

Sarah? Get me aunt bee.

Aunt bee?
Listen, Barney's pretty upset.

Yeah, I think we better
have the party a little earlier.

About, yeah, about : .

Yeah. Well, I have to run over
to mt. Pilot

to the civil service office

but I'm sure
I'll be back by then.

Yeah. Okay. Bye.

Well, what made 'em decide
to put sheriff's deputies

under civil service
all of a sudden?

There's been too much
handing out of deputy badges.

A lot of fellas have taken
advantage of the privilege.

So the state felt it could
control the situation better

if it was put
under civil service.

Oh, I see.

What about these new
physical requirements?

Five-foot-eight, pounds...

That's just for new personnel,
isn't it?

Oh, no. All deputies.

What about a man
that's been in for five years?

He'll still have to meet
the requirements.

Well, what if he's proved
he can do his job real well?

Sorry.
There are no exceptions.

We'll run this check in a week.

I'll, uh, call you.

Hmm.

Barney will love it,
won't he, Opie?

Never know how I did it.
I just did it.

I'll go watch for Barney. Okay.

I think we'd better
get everything in the back

before he gets here.

Yes, we want it to be
a real surprise.

- Keep your eyes peeled, Opie!
- I will.

Oh, he's a smart boy.
Just as sharp as they come.

Didn't you say Andy'd
be back by now?

I know, but that meeting
in mt. Pilot

must have held him up.

Oh, I hope he isn't
going to be late.

Oh, it's a nice thing
you're doing for Barney.

I wonder where he's been.

Didn't you say
he was out on patrol?

Well, I mean last Monday.

Usually gets a haircut
every third Monday.

Yeah, I always enjoy
cutting Barney's hair.

His ears kind of wing out,
and it gives you room to work.

He's coming around the corner!

Barney's coming, everybody!
He's coming.

Oh, and Andy isn't here.
We'll have to start without him.

Come on, let's get
in the back room.

Good tipper, too.
Nothing tight about him.

Come on.

Surprise!

Congratulations
on your fifth anniversary.

Congratulations, Barney.

Oh, it's the best
of everything, Barney.

It's a great day.

Oh, I didn't think
anybody remembered.

Gosh.

Where were you Monday?

What?

Opie, don't you have

something to say to Barney?

This is from everybody.

It's a waterproof wristwatch.

Oh, golly.
You didn't have to do this.

Andy was supposed to be here

but he got held up
at the meeting at mt. Pilot.

Stainless steel, wow.

Yeah, and it's got
writin' on the back.

Oh...

That's nice. It's...

It's nice.

Read it, Barney, read it.
What's it say?

"Five."

We thought we'd put five on it

because you've been in
for five years.

Do you like it, Barney?

Do I like it?

You'd just have to be crazy

not to like a watch like this.

Thanks.
Thanks, all of ya.

Well, I...
I don't know what to say.

Oh.

Ready?

Make a wish.

Come on.

Here we go...

You got your wish.

Now, Barney gets
the first piece.

There we go.

Better start with small pieces.

Oh, Andy, we had to start

without you.

I'm sorry.

There was a lot of
traffic on the road.

Congratulations, Barn.

Oh, thanks.

You really played it cool
this morning,

you son of a g*n.

I wanted to surprise you.

Never be bald, that Barney.

He's got a loose scalp.

There's a lot of play in it.

And?

Thanks for your part
of the watch.

Oh, that's okay.

Did you read the writing
on the back, Andy?

Show it to him.

See there?

"Five."

Five.

Five.

Here's your cake.

You gonna eat all that cake?

A lot of calories in there.

That's all right.

What do you weigh anyway?

With or without my g*n?

Without.

Oh, it varies... , / .

I'm up and down.

Right in that range, huh?

Yeah, I like to keep it tight.

Andy, how about a piece of cake?

Oh, no thanks, aunt bee.

I had a big lunch
in mt. Pilot.

How'd things go?

Oh, fine, fine.

I will have a bottle
of pop, though.

Oh, boy.

Best of luck in the future.

I'll see you later, Barn.

Okay, ope.
Bye-bye.

Happy anniversary.

See you tonight.

Right.

Yeah.

Mmm.

Yeah.

Five.

Five.

Yeah.
Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, boy.

Well, I don't mind tellin' ya
that was quite a thrill.

Kind of makes a fella
feel like he's really wanted.

I'm sorry
you missed the surprise.

Yeah, I'm sorry, too.

Must've been
a pretty important meeting.

Mmm...yeah.

Any problems?

Barn, I hate to give you news
like this

today of all days, but...

You're going to find out
about it sooner or later.

Find out about what?

Five years.

Five years...For what?

To get tossed out?

We still got a week to go.

Maybe
we can come up with somethin'.

Five-foot-eight...

What do they want,
a basketball team?

It's the record that counts.

You don't get
a waterproof wristwatch

if you're not doin' your job.

Maybe we can think of somethin'.

Aw, forget it!

There's plenty of things
this kid can do.

As matter of fact,
you know what?

They just might
be doin' me a favor

because I've been
kind of gettin' the feeling

that-that maybe I been

sort of a...
A runt around here anyways.

Well, it isn't as
if he wasn't close.

What is it... less than an inch?

Five or six pounds?

I know.

I could put that weight
on him in a week.

I know you could, aunt bee,

but there's no way
to make him any taller.

Taller...

Oh, this is a shame.

Yeah, it sure is.

Aunt bee?

You 'member, uh...

Remember when old Asa bascomb

had that, uh, pinched nerve
somewhere in his back?

Yes, I remember.
Last year.

Yeah.

And doc Harvey
gave him this harness

that he had to wear around
his head to kind of stretch it.

I believe it had weights on it.

Mm-hmm, I remember.

I 'member Asa
tellin' me one time

that when he got through
with those treatments

he was actually over
a half inch taller.

Andy...

With you fattenin'
him up a little...

I can do it, I know I can do it.

Aunt bee, you know,
with me stretchin' him

and you fattenin' him up,

Barney's liable to turn out
to be a much bigger fella

than he thinks he is.

Andy, you out of your mind?

Stretch me?
The answer's no!

A big definite no!

But it's worth a try.

Well, not with me, it isn't.

You're dealing with
a delicate mechanism.

It's crazy! The whole
thing's just crazy!

It might work.
And the few extra pounds...

Aunt bee's cooking'll
take care of that.

I admit that part's possible

but you start stretching
the human body

and something inside's
got to give

and it might be
something important.

You just don't start pushing
them things around inside there.

The doctor wouldn't
have had Asa use the thing

if there was any danger.

Now, it's worth a try.
The least you can do is try.

I don't know, Andy,
I just don't know.

Come on, boys!

Supper's ready.

Well, what do you say?

All right, all right.

Come on.

There we are.

Mm...mm.

There we are.

We will serve our guest first.

Yeah. Mm...Mm.

A little corn...

Gonna be good.

Do the job, I expect.

Yeah...

Roll.

And...

A little butter.

You've done fine, Barn.

Some more potatoes, Barney?

Just a little bit more?

Then I'll get the dessert...

Banana cream chocolate pie.

No dessert?

Oh, it'd be so helpful.

It's nothing
but sugar and starch.

He's done fine, aunt bee.

I expect you picked up
a pound easy.

I'm gonna go on home.

Okay, I'll see you
first thing in the morning.

Asa's coming over
with that contraption.

We'll start the stretching.

I don't know about that
stretching business, Andy.

I might wind up with a high
stomach or something.

Well, that's just about
the silliest-looking thing

I believe I ever saw.

Well, you see, Barney,

it's based on a sound principle.

When you're walking on
your feet all these years,

your body kind of settles on you

like, uh, well, like a cake.

I haven't felt any settling.

That's right, you don't feel it.

It just happens.
To everybody.

Now, what this thing does...

This weight pulls you
back to where you was.

Now, let's, uh, try it.

Turn around.

Oh, you put it in the back, huh?

That's right.

This thing goes
under the chin here.

Oh, and this hooks.

Now release the weight.

Okay.

Ready?
Here we go.

You've got to keep a stiff chin.

One thing he's got
to get used to...

Sometimes the pressure
blocks up his ears.

What?

You see?

Barn?
You all right?

Can you take some more weight?

Hmm.

Well, that's about it, then.

Just a matter of doing it
three or four hours every day.

Barn, listen...

I got to go down to the office.

I'll be back as quick as I can.

Aunt bee'll look
in on you, okay?

And don't fight it.
Don't fight it.

Hey, Barn?

If you go anywhere,
don't go far.

I'm not lying.
He's hanging himself.

I still don't believe it.

Why would he do it
in front of you?

Yeah, a thing
like that's private.

He doesn't know that I saw him.

I came back for my milk money

and I saw him
through the window.

Well, do you want
to see him or not?

Here's my nickel.

And here's mine.

Now, don't make any noise.

I thought you were supposed

to stand on a bucket
or something

and kick it out from under you.

He's not hanging himself.

He is, too.
He is not.

He is, too.

Why don't you go in there and
ask him if he's hanging himself?

I'm not gonna ask him.

He's hanging himself
in you house.

Get out of here!
What's the matter with you?

Didn't you ever see a person
with his head in a harness?!

Barney?

Thel?

Yes.
In here.

A little privacy
with the door closed.

Oh. Barney, I brought you
something I think you can handle

even while you're wearing
that thing.

Here.

Hey, with a straw.
I never thought of that.

What is it?

Double-rich vanilla malted
with two raw eggs.

Mmm.

Boy, that's thick.

Oh, I'm sorry.
That's all right.

It's good practice for puckerin',
if you know what I mean.

Oh, Barney, I just know
you're gonna make it.

You know, thel, I'm beginning
to think so myself.

Well, I got to run.
I'll see you later.

Okay.
Bye-bye. Bye.

Bye.

Aaaah!

Three...

Four...five...

Five-foot-eight.

I wouldn't have believed it.

I just wouldn't have
believed it.

Five-foot-eight.

You shot right up, didn't you?
Yeah.

Whoo!

And you still got two days

to put on that extra
pound and a half.

Looks like you're home free.

It sure does.

Well, let's go
put the weight on.

Right. No problem.

Well, let's face it.

They're just being shortsighted.

They hand down these directives

without giving any thought
to the final outcome.

They could easily wind up
with a lot of six-footers

with no other law enforcement
qualifications.

No ability to cope
with the public,

with crime, with riots...

Right, and?

Right, Barn.

Instead of...

I'm sorry, aunt bee.

Instead of carefully

examining
their present personnel

and realizing what they
already have, right, and?

Right, Barn.

Now, I feel...

The point I'm trying to make
is that I feel...

Maybe it's from eating so much
this past week.

Hmm.

Hold your breath and
take five sips of water.

It worked.

Nothing like them
old home remedies.

I guess it's just one of those things
that's gonna have to run its course.

You better eat your food
before it gets cold.

I can't eat my food
if I have the hiccups, aunt bee.

Well, maybe you could eat
a little in between 'em.

Well, I'll keep your food warm.

It can't last much longer.

Sheriff's office.

Oh, hello, Floyd.

Yep. Still got 'em.

Mm-mm. We tried that, Floyd.

Yeah, we tried that, too.

Hmm.

Hey, Barn, did you ever try

inhaling in front
of a electric fan?

No, and I'm not going to.

That's just another version
of the same thing.

Never mind, Floyd.

Thanks anyway.

It's too late anyways.

We go into mt. Pilot tomorrow.

You might as well
just look for another...

No, no, no.
No, no, no.

We still got hours
to come up with something.

So you're down
two and a half pounds?

Well, you can't eat...

I'll see you tomorrow.

Morning, Barn.

How's your hiccups?

Well, they're gone.

They stopped last night.

Good.

I see you're all dressed up.

Well, I thought I'd wear this.

Hmm.

I paid for the uniform myself,
so I'm gonna keep that.

Well, I wish I could
think of something.

Well, what's there to think of?

Let's face it,
we tried everything

and nothing worked,
so this is it.

The part I was worried about...

The height part...
We whipped that.

Hiccups are gone.
You could eat again.

Well, it's too late now,
so I might as well forget it.

Here's a whistle you...

You might need some time.

You'll get a lot of distance
out of that.

The pea is right solid in there.

And a...Good heavy chain.

Well...

Wait a minute.

I was just reading what
you're supposed to wear

at these weigh-ins.

Well, I read that.

It's the standard outfit
and those shoes.

Yeah.

Identification tag and chain.

What are you talking
about, an ounce?

I'm two pounds off.

Wait right here.

Wait right here.

You're okay, hanson.

Mr. Bronson,
this is Barney Fife.

Well, how are you, deputy Fife?

Fine.

Would you please
step up on the scale?

Well, this looks like
it's going to be, uh, close.

Congratulations.

Thanks.
You know, I'm still shaking.

Well, it's over.

I got to hand it to you.
This was a stroke of genius.

It was just a pure
stroke of genius.

Just going by their own rules.

Like it said right
in the directive...

You're allowed to wear your
identification tag and chain.

Ain't it amazing what it takes

to hold up
one of them little tags?

Hey, Barn?

You can snap her back on.

You know, I really felt
undressed without it.

Yeah.

I called aunt bee
to give her the good news.

Oh, you know,
I really appreciated

all the trouble she went to.

Yeah. She wants me to bring you
home to supper tonight.

Kind of celebrate.

Oh, that'll be nice.

You know, it'll be a pleasure to
eat food when I don't have to.

I'll tell her you're coming.

Good. I don't mind telling you,
I'm really looking forward...

Thank her anyways.