Hey, Dad.
Kids, I've made the most
incredible discovery.
What, that I can't see
Sportscenter through you?
No. This.
I stumbled upon
a little slice of heaven
called the Dollar Store.
Guess how much
I paid for this.
I don't know.
How much?
A dollar!
Wow!
Not sure you needed
Jhericurl, though.
For a dollar,
how could I not need it?
I'm telling you, Douglas,
you should go there.
The prices are unbeatable.
Hmm... unless
you go down
to the Cents Store.
The what?
The Cents Store. It's
exactly like the Dollar Store,
only everything's
a penny cheaper.
Those bastards saw me
coming a mile away!
That was fun.
♪ My eyes are gettin' weary ♪
♪ My back is gettin' tight ♪
♪ I'm sittin' here in traffic ♪
♪ On the Queensboro Bridge
tonight ♪
♪ But I don't care,
'cause all I want to do ♪
♪ Is cash my check and drive
right home to you ♪
♪ 'Cause, baby, all my life ♪
♪ I will be drivin' home
to you ♪
OK, boys, breakfast is served.
I thought you were goin'
to Dunkin' Donuts.
Change in plans.
Ling Gardens is now open / .
OK, just because a restaurant
is open -hours-a-day,
doesn't mean
you have to eat there
-hours-a-day.
That's exactly what it means.
Oh, how sad it that?
All those loaders going after
the one open driver spot.
Look at 'em filling out
their applications.
They're adorable.
You just want to
squeeze 'em, you know?
I wish I could keep a tiny
little loader at home as a pet.
My kids would love that.
And Sanchez...
I don't even think his
feet can reach the pedals.
Watch this.
Hey, Sanchez,
what'd you say your favorite
kind of bagel was again?
The plain.
Was it sesame?
[A La Tattoo]
The plain. The plain!
Hey, look. Your cousin Danny's
grabbing' an application.
Doug: Oh, crap!
What?
Now he's gonna be all over me
to help him out
and write him a letter
of recommendation.
Hey, buddy.
Hey, where the heck
is all the soy sauce?!
This is crazy.
I gotta go back.
There's soy sauce right here.
Yeah, I know, I know.
That's what I'm saying.
There's too much.
I gotta bring some back.
I don't know,
we exchanged numbers,
but he hasn't called me.
Maybe I should just
give him a call.
Don't you dare!
If this Tito fellow can't see
how special you are,
then he's not worth it.
I guess.
You're smart, successful,
and other than being
a little light
in the bazoom,
very attractive.
OK, now you've
got me blushing.
You know, Arthur,
at first you were
just this person
that I walked,
but I gotta say,
now you've become
so much more.
You've become
kind of like family.
Now you've got me blushing.
Well, I better go. Cupcake's
sending up warning signals.
Oh, yes.
That certainly was Cupcake.
Bye.
Good-bye.
I was just paid
a wonderful compliment.
Holly said I was
like family to her.
Wow. She have a basement?
Don't worry, Douglas,
I love it here.
Hey.
Hey.
Listen, the wind is
blowing our trash can
down the middle of the street.
I know. I saw it.
Those things get rolling
pretty good, huh?
[Telephone Rings]
Hello. Oh, hey, Danny.
[Whispering] I'm not here!
Uh, no, he's not here.
He's um...
out jogging.
He's at Jack in the Box.
Yeah.
Oh, that's great, Danny.
I'm sure you'll get it.
Yeah, yeah.
He'll be happy
to do that for you.
OK, honey. Bye-bye.
What is your problem?
Did you just say to him I'd write
a letter of recommendation?
Yeah. Why is that
such a big deal?
Beca--he only wants
to be a driver
'cause I'm a driver!
He's copying me again.
Copying you?
Yeah. When we were kids,
I got a Reggie Jackson mitt.
weeks later, he got one.
When I dropped out
of junior college,
he dropped out
of junior college.
Then just last month, I went
on that juice diet... he did.
Did he gain pounds on it?
Look, you know what? There's no
point in even discussing this,
because the bottom line is
Danny's not right
for this job.
Oh, why's that?
Because when it comes
to driving,
he just
doesn't have... it.
OK, and by "it," do you
mean a driver's license?
Uh, excuse me,
it's a class "C" license.
And don't knock it.
It's paid for slightly less
than / of all of this.
Just be a good guy and write
the letter for your cousin.
Here...
[Sighs]
Unbelievable.
Does "dumb-ass" have
a hyphen?
Give it to me.
All right,
I'd like to introduce
the newest driver
to the IPS family,
Danny Heffernan.
You're now a member
of an elite force, son.
With great honor comes
great responsibility.
Make us proud.
All right, next item.
One of you pinheads
broke my stapler.
Until further notice,
my stapler is
off-limits.
That's it. Hit the
streets, everybody.
Heffernan, show your
cousin the ropes.
Hey, thanks a lot for
writin' that letter, buddy.
So, what's the dealio?
Am I gettin' a good truck?
What's my route?
Where am I goin'?
You know what?
Your first delivery
is to Shut It Up Industries.
You're not a loader anymore.
You're a driver.
Act like one.
Right.
All right, here she is.
So, what's the
first thing you do
when you get in
in the morning?
Uh, perimeter check.
Tire pressure, door
gates, and fluid levels.
Oh, boy.
What? That's what
it says in the manual.
I know what it says
in the manual, OK?
I'm here to teach you
what's not in the manual.
All right?
Do you hear that?
Come here.
You know what that is?
Uh...
We Will Rock You?
No. Listen!
You got a rivet missing.
Mm-hmm. Hey,
can I have the keys now,
or are you just gonna--
The keys.
[Laughs] He wants the keys.
He wants the keys.
You just don't get it, do you?
You know, this job
is a lot more
than just driving a truck.
What else is it?
[Scoffs] Customer relations!
You know,
when I first started,
there was this lady,
Mrs. Janowski.
She would hardly
open the door for me.
Now she bakes me sugar cookies
in all different shapes.
You know, your stars, your
squares, your hearts.
OK, now that you've explained
to me what a shape is,
can I hit the road, or...
Are you questioning
my training methods?
No. No, no, no.
[Chuckles]
Tap the truck,
get a cookie. Got it!
You know what? I knew making you
a driver was a big mistake.
Mistake? Why'd you write that
letter of recommendation?
I didn't.
Carrie did.
What?
Yeah.
The truth is, I don't think
you can handle this job.
It's driving and walking.
Get over yourself.
OK, if it's so easy, hotshot,
why don't you
take my route today,
and I'll take
the trainee route?
I'll talk to O'Boyle
right now and make that happen
if you want me to.
Fine.
OK. Here you go.
Welcome to zone .
Or as you'll be calling it,
[Faking Crying]
"I can't do it."
Hey, Arthur, you were
right about Tito.
He called me last night
begging me to go out
with him again.
Well, if there's
one thing I know,
it's how to get a man.
OK, Arthur, ready
for your walk?
You betcha.
Oh, I got you
a little something
just to say thanks
for being so nice.
Well, what is this?
"World's greatest
grandfather."
You know, you're like
a grandfather to me.
A grandfather?!
Why don't you just
kick me in the marbles?!
What?
Why are you mad?
Because I'm not
like a grandfather.
I'm like a father to you.
I didn't mean to say that
you were old or anything.
It has nothing to do with age.
It's about stature.
What?!
Grandfathers are
a dime a dozen.
That's why everyone
get's of them.
Fathers are the real McCoy.
They're the wind
beneath your wings.
If you can't see
that I'm your wind,
then you're dead to me!
Oh... got too rough
for you out there, huh?
You quit in the middle
of the day.
[Baby Talking] What's the
matter, the packages too heavy?
You couldn't see over
the steewing wheel?
Yeah, you were right, Doug.
I couldn't do your route
as fast as you.
I could only do it
minutes faster
than you've ever done it.
Heh heh heh heh.
Ooh, hear that tappin'?
That's the sound of this
loader dustin' your ass!
That's gotta hurt!
Think of it this way.
What would you
rather be, a piano,
or a grand piano?
A canyon, or a Grand Canyon?
An ole opry,
or a Grand Ole Opry?
I ain't buyin'
your soap, lady.
Arthur, Arthur, listen.
I'm sorry that the trophy
hurt your feelings.
Just give it to me
and I'll take it back.
Why, you want to swap it out
for a "world's best
fourth cousin" trophy?
No, Arthur, I just want
to get this over with
so we can go on our walk.
Well, it's not gonna be over
until you admit what's obvious
to everyone else!
Fine. Fine. You're
like a father to me.
You are exactly
like a father to me!
I am?
Yes.
Come here.
Feels good, doesn't it?
[Sighs]
That's it, let it out.
Hey, babe.
You!
What's the matter with--
Aa-aa-aah!
Doug...
Aaa-eee-aah!
What is going on with you?
You just had to help
your precious little
Danny, didn't you?
Why? What happened? Did
he screw up or something?
No, he did great.
He did my route faster
than I've ever done it.
He did better than you?
I don't know why
you're so shocked.
According to your letter,
he's
"infinitely talented."
Oh, come on, I had
to write something.
I couldn't say
he was a stumpy loser.
I can't believe this.
Well, what's
the big deal anyway?
It was his first day.
I got smoked by a rookie.
I'm a disgrace to my shorts!
You know what?
Give these to someone
who deserves 'em.
I gotta be honest with you.
I don't think anyone
deserves these.
Doug, come on. Don't
get down on yourself.
You're a great driver.
No, I'm not.
Yes, you are.
No, I'm not! You can't
be great at something
if you're not as good
as a stumpy loser.
Unless it's
a stumpy loser contest.
It's OK, baby. Really.
No, it's not. Look...
God... if he can just waltz
in there on his first day
and do better than me, then...
what does it all mean?
I mean...
why do we even bother
gettin' up?
Well, you have other
things in your life
other than driving.
Like what?
Well...
you have me...
and your health...
sort of.
You know what it is?
It's like...
I--I take pride
in my work.
Before today, I really thought
I brought something
special to the job.
Something that nobody
else but me could bring.
Really?
Yeah.
You know, sometimes
at the end of the day,
you know, after I had
a great run...
I actually thought
God put me on this earth
to get people their packages.
Really?
Yes!
Doug, I'm sorry.
Don't take this the wrong way,
but maybe you're expecting
a little too much
out of your truck driving job.
I mean, I don't get any
fulfillment from my job.
What about last week?
You said you had
a great day at work.
Oh, I wore some tight pants
and got some good feedback.
I wouldn't suggest that
for you.
Look, come--
Honey, I--I don't
know what to say.
I mean, we're not
doctors, you know.
We're not saving lives
with what we do.
We have jobs, you know?
We punch in,
we cash our checks,
and then we come
home to each other.
And that should be enough, OK?
I'm gonna go change.
[Sighs]
[Television On]
Woman: Oh, Johnny...
my sister Linda--
[Spinner Spinning]
Woman: Big money! Big money!
Man: Unemployed?
Need a job quick?
Well, become a truck driver.
No education, no problem.
No experience, no problem.
If you can sit down,
you can be a driver.
Don't worry, guys,
we'll get going
as soon as we pick up Arthur.
Arthur?
[Bicycle Bell Rings]
Right here, darling.
What's going on?
You told me once you never
learned to ride a bike,
and I intend to teach you.
Oh, Arthur, that's sweet,
but you really don't need--
Am I like a father
to you or not?!
You're like a father to me.
You're like a father to me.
Well, climb aboard.
OK.
Now, I've set up a
series of cones for you
in the alley.
You'll notice the degree
of difficulty increases
as you approach
Queens Boulevard.
Godspeed!
Hi.
Hey, man.
What are you doing?
I'm reading a book.
OK...
you know what?
Let me ask you something.
Do you like our jobs here?
I mean, are you proud
of what you do?
I drive boxes around Queens.
I know, but when
you do it well,
do you think you're making
some small difference
in the world?
I drive boxes...
around Queens.
Then why are you here?
What do you even do this for?
Uh, paycheck, benefits,
I don't know how to farm...
I mean, what are you
looking for, player?
You know what? Forget it, man.
Go back to your book.
What?
Oh, yeah,
little change in the
schedule there.
Uh, you--you gave Danny
my route.
Well, I gotta go with
the hot hand, Doug.
You just drive
the trainee route
a few more weeks, huh?
And tell Palmer
stop with the readin'.
It's creepin' me out.
Hey, you know, there are
unwritten rules at IPS.
Eyes forward at the urinal,
and you never steal
another guy's route.
And you broke 'em both.
I didn't steal your route, OK?
And at the urinal, again,
I thought I saw a quarter
next to your foot!
You are so out of line
on this!
How am I out of line?
Best drivers get
the best routes.
You taught me that.
Oh... so now you think
you're a better driver
than me?
Look, I don't want
to fight, all right?
I just want to have some
of Mrs. Janowski's
fresh-baked
sugar cookies
[High-Pitched Voice]
on my first day.
That's it, man.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
You two have a problem,
you settle it the IPS way.
Tonight, Old Dugan Road.
: sharp.
Oh, yeah!
That's what I'm talking about.
Uh, actually, I got an
allergist thing at : .
I might be a little late.
All right. Tonight.
Old Dugan Road. : -ish!
Hey, did you, uh--
You soup me up under there?
Oh, no. I couldn't
figure out how.
But you're good
on wiper fluid.
Good luck, brother.
Doug.
What are you doing here?
I called the depot
and they told me
what was going on.
Carrie, you're not stopping me.
I'm doing this.
I didn't come to stop you, OK?
I just came to give you this.
A packet of tartar sauce?
Yeah.
You brought it home
from your first lunch break
of your first day at IPS.
Remember back when
you used to eat fish?
Oh, yeah. Captain
Eddie's tartar sauce.
Yeah. You asked me to keep it because
of the fortune on the back. Read it.
"The most important thing
in life is drive."
Yeah. Remember you said
it was like a sign
that you were meant
to do this?
And, you know what?
You were right, Doug.
Your job is important.
I'm just sorry I didn't
see that sooner.
Are those my isotoners?
I couldn't find mine.
OK, let's get going, guys.
All right. Hey,
good luck. Good luck.
All right, now, listen.
You kick that stumpy
loser's ass! OK?
Hi, Danny.
[Engines Starts, Revs]
Go on the drop!
[Engines Revving]
[Engine Won't Start]
Danny: No... no!
Having some problems
there, ace?
No, no. I'm fine.
[Engine Won't Catch]
You ain't gonna
start it like that.
I--I know
what I'm doing.
Stop pumping the gas!
It's fuel injection.
It floods if you pump it.
You should know that!
Stop yelling at me!
Well, you're doing it wrong.
You're right. Damn it!
Aw... I can't do this.
You win.
You're the better driver.
You're always been
the better driver.
What are you talking about?
You beat me at my own route.
Aw, I cheated, OK?
I started early
and worked through lunch.
I didn't even deliver
all my packages.
Your truck was empty
when you brought it back.
Yeah, well,
my apartment's not.
What?!
It's just...
you've always been better
than me at everything.
Just once I wanted
to beat you at something.
But I'm just a stupid loader,
and that's all I'll ever be.
Oh, stop your cryin',
would you?
You're a driver for the
International Parcel Service!
Have some pride, man.
Now open the choke
and put it in neutral.
I can't.
[Shouting] Do it!
There. Now turn
the ignition key,
and just tap the accelerator.
[Engine Starts]
All right.
Now put it in reverse.
OK.
Why'd I put it in reverse.
'Cause now you're
goin' backwards, friend.
[Tires Screech]
Arthur, look.
I'm doing it!
I'm doing it!
Very good, honey.
05x20 - Driving Reign
Watch/Buy Amazon
Series follows head of the household Doug who works for a delivery company like UPS.
Series follows head of the household Doug who works for a delivery company like UPS.