03x31 - Mountain Wedding

[bunniefuu]

BARNEY:Uh-oh.

ANDY: What's the matter?

BARNEY: Ain't chicken spelled "IN"?

ANDY: No, he's got it right.

BARNEY: You sure?

ANDY: Uh-huh. "I" before "e"
except after "c"
and "e" before "n"
in "chicken."

BARNEY:Yeah.I always forget that rule.
Can't you see a man's doin' a delicate piece of artistic work here?
Go around in back.

ANDY: I believe that's Briscoe Darling's truck.

BARNEY: Huh?

ANDY: Briscoe Darling.Come on.

BARNEY: Man at work here!
Man at work.

ANDY: Howdy, Mr. Darling.What in the world brings you down out of the mountains?

BRISCO: Trouble, sheriff. We got, uh...Is it all right to talk in front of him?

ANDY: Oh, sure. This is my deputy, Barney Fife.

ANDY: Briscoe darling.

BRISCO: Howdy.

ANDY: I married Mr. Darling's daughter to Dud Wash.

BARNEY: You did?

ANDY: Oh, yeah, that's right. It was when you and your mother was on that bus trip to Charlotte.

ANDY: Say you got trouble?

BRISCO: It's a sight.

ANDY: Well, what in the world's the matter?

BRISCO: Well, there's this fella up home... Ernest t. Bass. He just don't take to Dud and Charlene bein' married.

ANDY: Well, it was all legal. I gave you a copy of the marriage certificate and kept a copy here.

BRISCO: I know that. But that don't signify with Ernest t. Bass. He keeps botherin' Charlene,
yellin' in the night, throwin' rocks through the windows.

ANDY: Can't you and your boys handle him?

BRISCO: Well, we thought about killin' him. Kinda hated to go that far.

BARNEY: Well, uh, it's a wise man that knows it's illegal to take the law into one's own hands.

BRISCO: Is he arguin' with me?

ANDY: No, he's agreein' with you.

BRISCO: Just so's I know where I stand. Do you s'pose you could find the time to come on up there
and straighten this thing out for us?

ANDY: Well, sure.We'll come up there tomorrow.

BRISCO: Good.

BRISCO: Oh, uh...You better travel by daylight. It gets kind of rough after you cross the Robert E. Lee natural bridge.

ANDY: We'll get a early start.

BARNEY: I won't even go home tonight.I'll sleep right here.

BRISCO: I'll expect you tomorrow.

ANDY: We'll see you.

BARNEY: Adios, amigo.

BRISCO: He one o' ours?

ANDY: Sure.

BARNEY: More power to you.

ANDY: I'll see you.

BARNEY: Robert E. Lee natural bridge? I don't believe I ever heard of that.

ANDY: It's a oak tree that fell across the shallow spot in the creek.


ANDY: Barney. Barney!

BARNEY: Uh...

ANDY: Barney. It's 4:00 in the morning.

BARNEY: Yeah.

ANDY: Come on, Barney. We got a long drive ahead of us. Up you go. For heaven's sakes,
Barney, will you wake up?

BARNEY: Yeah, I'm awake.

ANDY: Barney. Barney! Barney. Barney, listen. Barney?

BARNEY: Huh?

ANDY: Barney?

BARNEY: Huh?

ANDY: Will you listen to me? It's 4:00 in the morning.We got to get going up in the mountains. Boy, you sure are a hard one to wake up.Will you wake up?!

BARNEY: I'm awake.

ANDY: Okay. Wake up!

BARNEY: Hi, Andy. Got a little trip?

ANDY: Are you awake?

BARNEY: Yeah, all you got to do is and I'm up.

ANDY: It ought to be close by here somewhere. Listen. Sounds like that one up there.Come on.

ANDY: Good! Extra good! Mr. Darling,boys, good!

BRISCO: Howdy, sheriff. Glad to see you made it.

ANDY: Oh, sure... howdy, Charlene.

CHARLENE: Hi.

ANDY: Howdy, boys. Boys are talkative today.

BRISCO: They all keyed up.

ANDY: I don't believe y'all ever met my deputy, Barney Fife. Charlene darling, now Mrs. Dud wash.

BARNEY: Howdy, ma'am.

ANDY: And the boys...

BARNEY: Boys.

ANDY: Well, Mr. Darling,what do you think we ought to...Well, howdy, dud!

DUD: Howdy, sheriff.

ANDY: My deputy, Barney Fife, dud wash.

DUD: Sure proud you could see fit to intervene, sheriff.

ANDY: Oh, it's a pleasure, dud.

DUD: There's my darlin' person.

CHARLENE: Dud, don't!

DUD: Aw, come on.

BRISCO: Dud! We got more important things to tend to. Try to curb them hot flashes. Did you tell Ernest t. Bass the sheriff was lookin' for him?

DUD: Well, I couldn't find him, Mr. Darling. His cousin said he went off into the woods to k*ll a mockingbird.

ANDY: Don't sound like a very nice person.

BRISCO: One of the worst we got.

ANDY: Maybe we ought to look for him.

DUD: Oh, he's a pestilence and the pestilence'll find you. You just wait... he'll be along.

CHARLENE: Hey, how about if I fix you and your g*n hand a mouthful to eat?

ANDY: Uh, well...

CHARLENE: I could heat up some nice hogback bone or some fish muddle.

ANDY: Uh, no, tha...I don't believe we'll have some.

BRISCO: Well, you'll probably be a while before Ernest t. Bass comes along. You bring your stringin'
instrument, sheriff?

ANDY: Oh, I didn't think we'd have time for any music.

BRISCO: Got time to breathe,you got time for music.How many strangs you used to?

ANDY: There are six on my guitar.

BRISCO: Well, here's one with five.Just kinda let that thumb hang free and enjoy the music.

DUD: How about playin' "never hit your grandma with a great, big stick?"

CHARLENE: No, dud, that makes me cry.

ANDY: Well, how about "dooley"?

BRISCO: Oh, that's a good'un. A one, a two and away we go.

♪ Now, dooley was
a good old man ♪

♪ He lived below the mill ♪

♪ Dooley had two daughters ♪

♪ And a 40-gallon still

♪ one gal watched the boiler,
the other watched the spout ♪

♪ And mama corked the bottles

♪ when old dooley
fetched them out ♪

♪ Dooley, slippin'
up the holler ♪

♪ Dooley, tryin'
to make a dollar ♪

♪ Dooley, give me a swaller ♪

♪ And I'll pay
you back someday ♪

♪ The revenuers came for him,
a-slippin' through the woods ♪

♪ Dooley kept behind them all
and never lost his goods ♪

♪ Now, dooley was a trader
when into town he'd come ♪

♪ Sugar by the bushel
and molasses by the drum ♪

♪ Now, I remember very well
the day old dooley died ♪

♪ The womenfolk looked sorry

♪ and the men
stood around and cried ♪

♪ Now Dooley’s on the mountain,
he lies there all alone ♪

♪ They put a jug beside him
and a barrel for a stone ♪

♪ Dooley,
slippin' up the holler ♪

♪ Dooley,
tryin' to make a dollar ♪

♪ Dooley, give me a swaller ♪

♪ And I'll pay
you back some day ♪

♪ And I'll pay
you back some day ♪

ANDY: Good! Extra good! I believe the boys...

BARNEY: What's that?

CHARLENE: That's him...Ernest t. Bass.

DUD: You better watch out, Ernest t. Bass! We got the law in here now!

ERNEST T: "Charlene, I still love you and want you. Ernest t. Bass."

ANDY: I'm gonna go have a talk with him. I don't see him.

BRISCO: There he is. Ernest t. Bass, you come out of there. The sheriff wants to talk to you.

ERNEST T: I can hear him from here.

BARNEY: You better do as you're told, fella. This is the law speakin'!

ERNEST T: Just leave the g*n be, mister.

ANDY: Now, look here, Mr. Bass.I'm the justice of the peace in Mayberry,and I married Charlene and dud, and I got a copy of the marriage certificate here.

ERNEST T: You a preacher?

ANDY: No.

ERNEST T: Then they ain't rightly married.I ought to have a chance to sweet-talk and woo and charm her with my ways.

BRISCO: Take a shot at him, sheriff. You got a legal right.

ANDY: Now, wait a minute, Mr. Darling.We can handle this without anybody gettin' hurt. Ernest t.?

ERNEST T: I hear you.

ANDY: Here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna get Charlene and dud married by a preacher.

BRISCO: Tomorrow bein' Sunday, the circuit preacher'll be by.

ANDY: Good.We'll have them married tomorrow.

ERNEST T: Tomorrow? Hey, that gives me 24 hours to court her.

ANDY: Now, you just hold on.

ERNEST T: 24 hours! I still got a chance! Yippee!

ANDY: If you were to ask me, this Ernest t. Bass is a strange and weird character.

BRISCO: Just plain ornery is what he is.

BARNEY: I think he's a nut!

BARNEY: Hey, Andy!

ANDY: Hmm?

BARNEY:Are you asleep?

ANDY: Are you kidding?

BARNEY: Did you ever hear anything like it in your life?

ANDY: Because they're all sleeping on their backs.

BARNEY: Suppose if we turn them over on their sides it'd help?

ANDY: It's worth a try.

ANDY AND BARNEY: Come on, come on.Get on over.Come on.Okay.

BARNEY: What do you know... it worked!

ANDY: Mmm. Night.

BARNEY: Good night. What was that?

ANDY: Ernest t. Bass is paying us another visit looks like.

BRISCO: Ernest t. Bass!

ERNEST T: In person.

BRISCO: You're a lowdown, pesky buzzard. Doggone you!

ERNEST T: Sticks and stones will break my bones, but names can't never touch me.

ANDY: Ernest t. Bass,you better quit throwing rocks through this window.Now, this is the sheriff talking.I'm going to have to arrest you if you don't go on home. You're disturbing the peace
keeping these folks awake.

ERNEST T: Well, tell them all to go to sleep.Just Charlene wants to talk to.

BARNEY: You listen to me out there! This is deputy Fife speaking and I'm armed. Now, if you don't go away, I'm just liable to take a shot out this window. You cut that out!

BRISCO: Better stop that deputy of yours.He'll get us stoned to death.

BARNEY: What are we going to do?

ANDY: Only one thing to do.Let him speak his piece and maybe he'll go on home.Ernest t.?

ERNEST T: I'm still here.

ANDY: Listen a minute!

ERNEST T: Keep on talking.

ANDY: What do you got in mind?

ERNEST T: I told you.I've come to plight my troth to Charlene.

DUD: She's been plighted!

ANDY: Charlene, come over here and let him talk to you.

DUD: Now, wait a minute.

ANDY: Let him talk to her. Maybe he'll get it out of his system and go on home and we can get some sleep. Go on, Charlene.

CHARLENE: I'm here.What do you want?

ERNEST T: Charlene, this here is Ernest t. Bass here.I'm declaring for you.

CHARLENE: Yeah?

ERNEST T: Charlene? Look out here.Can you see me?

CHARLENE: I see you.

ERNEST T: Good! Charlene, you ain't never give me a chance to court you proper to prove to you
that I'm the man for you. First off,I wants to serenade you.

CHARLENE: Okay, Ernest t.,serenade away.

ERNEST T: All right, listen.

♪ "Old leg" briar
jump in the fire ♪

♪ Fire too hot,
jump in the pot ♪

♪ Pot too black...
Jump in the crack ♪

♪ Crack too high...
Jump in the sky ♪

♪ Sky too blue...
Jump in canoe ♪

♪ Canoe too shallow...
Jump in the tallow ♪

♪ Tallow too soft...
Jump in the loft ♪

♪ Loft too rotten...
Jump in the cotton ♪

♪ Cotton so white
she stayed there all night ♪

Tell him it was good.

That's good, Ernest t.

Now you want to hear me sing
"eating goober peas"?

CHARLENE: No, thanks. Good night.

ERNEST T: Wait a minute.Lookee here.I can do 18 chin-ups.
CHARLENE: That's good. Good night.

ERNEST T: I can do chin-ups.I'm the best rock thrower in the county,and I'm saving up for a gold tooth.I'm the man for you,charlene, you know it. Now can I come over there and kiss you on the jaw?

DUD: No, you can't, Ernest t. Bass! This here is my plighted bride.And tomorrow we're having a preacher wedding just to satisfy you.Now, go on home!

ERNEST: You just think you're having a wedding.Maybe you ain't.

DUD: What'd you say?

ERNEST T: I don't chew my cabbage twice.And you ain't heard the last of Ernest t. Bass.

ANDY: Everybody duck.

BRISCO:Well, I guess we can all get some sleep now.

ANDY: Now, just a second, just a second. Hold still, Mr. Darling!

BRISCO: Ever since I saw a hanging,I've been nervous about wearing one of these things.

BRISCO: You look just like your ma.

DUD: You look nice, Charlene.

ANDY: Beautiful, Charlene. Don't she look pretty, boys?

BRISCO: Boys ain't much on complimenting.

ANDY: Not Ernest t. Bass again!

BRISCO: He said we ain't heard the last of him.

ANDY: This note says, "maybe you're going to have a preacher" "and maybe you're going to have a altar "but maybe you're not going to have a bride. Did you ever think of that?"

DUD: What's he mean by that?

BARNEY: Andy, you don't think that nut will come here and try to steal the bride away, do you?

BRISCO: Wouldn't put it past him. He's as mean as a snake.

DUD: Let him just try.I'll show him a couple of things I learned in the army. First you take your hand
and you yank him round the throat and then you take the other hand and yank on his nose.

BRISCO: Stop that, boy. You want your face to freeze thataway?

ANDY: That won't be necessary, dud.

DUD: Well, I ain't gonna just stand by and let Ernest t. Bass make off with my darling person.

ANDY: Don't worry about it, dud. I got a idea.
♪ What have I to dread

♪ what have I to fear

♪ leaning on
the everlasting arms? ♪

♪ I have blessed peace
with my lord so near ♪

♪ Leaning on
the everlasting arms ♪

♪ Leaning... on the arms,
leaning on the arms ♪

♪ Safe and secure
from all the harms ♪

♪ Leaning on the arms,
leaning on the arms ♪

♪ Leaning on
the everlasting arms ♪

PREACHER: Dearly beloved, we are gathered together in this company to join together this man and this woman in matrimony.

ERNEST T: Stop that wedding!

ANDY: Don't nobody move.

BARNEY: He's sh**ting, He's actually sh**ting.

ANDY: Just don't move.

BARNEY: He's sh**ting again.

ANDY: Stop worrying. He ain't gonna sh**t the woman he loves.

BARNEY: You've had some ideas in your time, but this one's the worst.

ANDY: Just hold still.

ERNEST T: Hands up, everybody. Keep 'em up...Keep 'em up! Keep 'em up.

ANDY: All right, let's go.Charlene, come on. Hurry, reverend, before Ernest t. Bass discovers who his bride is.

PREACHER: Dearly beloved,we're gathered together in the face of this company to join together this man and this woman...

ERNEST T: You're mine. You was meant to be mine. You will be mine. Charlene, I'll make you
a fine husband. I'm a little mean, but I make up for it by being real healthy. Say you'll be mine. Say you'll be my "belove-ded."

BARNEY: I wouldn't marry you if you were the last man on earth.

PREACHER: Do you promise to love, honor, and obey Charlene as long as ye shall both live? I do.
By the authority vested in me, I now pronounce you man and wife. You can kiss her now, dud.

ANDY: Well, it's done to the satisfaction of Ernest t. Bass and everybody. Nice wedding, preacher.

PREACHER: Thank you.

BRISCO: Sure was. I'm kind of worried about that little fellow... your deputy.

ANDY: Yeah, maybe I better go look for him.

BARNEY: Andy! Andy! Andy!

BRISCO: All right, Ernest t. Bass, shake dud's hand. Go on, shake.

ERNEST T: If I ever hear you ain't good to her, I'm gonna call that lady sheriff and you'll be in real trouble.

DUD: Oh, I'll be good to her, Ernest t. All right, let's get on with the celebration.

CHARLENE: Hey, paw, how about playin' something me and dud can dance to?

DUD: Yeah, something like that anniversary waltz.

BRISCO: All right.Let's do "dance till your stockings are hot and raveling." A-one and a-two
and a-one and a-two.

BARNEY: What are you doing?

ERNEST T: I'd appreciate for you to dance with me.

BARNEY: Get out of here! Andy!

ERNEST T: I'm a good dancer.

BARNEY: You're some kind of a nut!

ERNEST T: But I'm a good dancer.

BARNEY: I don't care what you are.

ERNEST T: Oh, come on!

BARNEY: Nut!