02x20 - Barney and the Choir

[bunniefuu]

(in sheriff's office)

ANDY: Uh, hey -- hey, Barn?

BARNEY: Yeah?

ANDY: Are they the new wanted flyers that come in from Raleigh?

BARNEY: Yeah.

(SINGING) * Nita, Juanita

ANDY: Uh, barn? Anything interesting in 'em, like, maybe, a suspect we might find in the area?

BARNEY: No.

(SINGING)* Nita
* Dee dee dee da da da da

(BEE ENTERS)

BEE: Lunch, everybody!

ANDY: Oh, hi, Aunt Bee!

AUNT BEE: Hi, boys -- oh, I hope it's good!

ANDY: Oh, it'll be fine.

BARNEY: I'll get washed up. (exits)

ANDY: Aunt Bee, Barney's been singing again. I don't know how he does it but he's got a knack
of hittin' a note just enough off to make your skin crawl.

AUNT BEE: Oh, Andy, everybody can't sing. You've got to be tolerant of him.

BARNEY: (entering)
(SINGING) * Nita, Juanita
* Ah-dah-dah-dee
dah-da-da-da *

AUNT BEE: Have a sandwich, Barney.

ANDY: Yeah, fill up your mouth there, Barn. Eat slow. Eat a whole lot and eat real slow.

BARNEY: All right.

( Door opening-John enters )

ANDY: Well, howdy, John.

AUNT BEE: Hello, John.

JOHN: Hello, Bee.

ANDY: Well, what's the trouble?

JOHN: Andy, I've got to talk to you.

ANDY: Well, won't you have a sandwich?

JOHN: No. No, thank you. Andy, we've got a big problem with the choir.

ANDY: We have?

JOHN: Ralph Pritchard is dropping out.

ANDY: Oh, no. No, he's not.

JOHN: Yes, sir -- with his new job of his, he's on the road two weeks out of three. So he has to step out.

ANDY: What in the world are we going to do about a first tenor?

JOHN: I just don't know, Andy.

BEE: What about Fred Mason?

JOHN: Works nights, can't ever make practice. And with that concert coming up we need plenty
of practice.

ANDY: We sure do that. How about Rick Jackson? Maybe he's a tenor now that he's had his tonsils and adenoids...

JOHN: No.

ANDY: No?

JOHN: He's got that foghorn voice even with his passages cleared out. Ordinarily, it wouldn't be so bad. I mean, we could get by But you know the judges of the state contest will be there.

ANDY: That's right.

JOHN: Yes, they will -- and if we don't make a good showing for them, we won't even be considered
for the finals at Roanoke.

BEE: After us working so hard all year.

BARNEY: Yeah, it's tough, all right. As my old voice teacher used to say, a choir without its tenor is like a star without its glimmer. You know who used to say that? My old voice teacher. That's the teacher I had when I studied voice.

JOHN: Barney, you have a trained voice? I didn't know you studied singing.

BARNEY: Oh, well, just a little.

ANDY: Uh, john...

JOHN: Andy, this could solve everything for us! Barney, what part did you sing?

BARNEY: Oh, first tenor.

JOHN: Oh, tenor.

ANDY: John...

JOHN: Well, barney, how about you joining the choir?

BARNEY: Me?

JOHN: Sure! With all your training, you're just what we've been looking for.

BARNEY: Well, gosh... Gee...Golly, I never gave that much thought. Did you, Andy?

ANDY: No, I sure never did.

BARNEY: You need a tenor, huh?

JOHN: Oh, with that concert coming up in less than two weeks, we're desperate.

IBARNEY: Oh, well...I guess I wouldn't be a very civic-minded citizen if I refused, would I? You can count on old Barn, John. I'll step in and help you out -- when's practice?

JOHN: Practice is tonight at the town hall. And you can come right along with Andy. Right, sheriff?

ANDY: Oh, yeah, yeah. I'll bring him.

JOHN: Barney, that's just wonderful. Isn't that just wonderful, Bee?

BEE: Yes.

JOHN: Barney, speaking for the whole choir, welcome aboard.

BARNEY: Well, thank you, John. Wait till Thelma Lou hears about this. She'll be thrilled.

(NEW SCENE)

THELMA LOU: Barney's going to be in the choir -- my Barney?

ANDY: That's right.

THELMA LOU: But Barney can't sing.

ANDY: I know.

THELMA LOU: He's a warm, wonderful person, and I love him dearly, but he can't sing.

ANDY: That's true.

THELMA: He's kind, considerate, the most gentle person I've ever known. But he can't sing.

ANDY: You're right.

THELMA LOU: He's the man I want to marry, the man I want to be the father of my children...
But he can't sing.

ANDY: Not a lick. Well, I'm afraid he's gonna sing, and there's nothing we can do about it. John Masters already welcomed him aboard.

THELMA LOU: What's going to happen at choir practice tonight?

ANDY: Well, I expect everybody will find out Barney can't sing.

THELMA LOU: Not a lick.

(NEW SCENE CHOIR PRACTICE)

JOHN: Please turn to number 14-a for our first selection. Ready? Hazel? (HAZEL PLAYS INTRO)

( Barney singing off-key):
* welcome, sweet springtime
* We greet thee in song...

JOHN: Oh, oh... Shh. Folks, I think I detected a little flat note there. Well, perhaps I'm mistaken. But let's just try it again, shall we? Hazel...(INTRO)

* Welcome, sweet springtime
* We greet thee in song...

JOHN: No, no, no, no. Shh. Folks...I definitely heard it this time. Someone is definitely
singing off-key. Now, let's just watch it, shall we? Hazel...

BARNEY: (Going to John, Whispering ): Excuse me.

JOHN: What?

BARNEY: Maybe I can help you out. I'll sort of move around, see if I can spot who it is.

JOHN: Very good, Barney. Hazel...

(Barney Off-key )
* welcome, sweet springtime
* We greet thee in song
* Murmurs of gladness
* Fall on the ear
* Voices long hushed
now their full notes prolong *

( Others stop singing, Barney continues )

* Echoing far and near...

BARNEY: I think you cut out a little too soon. I didn't have a chance to spot who it was. Keep it going.

(new scene)

BEE: You sure he didn't follow you?

THELMA LOU: Oh, no. After he took me home, I waited till he drove off. And then just to make sure,
I slipped out the back way.

ANDY: Good.

JOHN: Well, Thelma Lou, I guess you know why I called this emergency meeting. I'm going to tell Barney Fife to get out of the choir.

ANDY: Now, John, you can't kick him out the very day you asked him to join.

JOHN: I've got to, Andy, or he'll ruin the choir.

ANDY: Well, there's bound to be another way. Uh, Thelma Lou, you're his girl...

THELMA LOU: Oh, no, I-I couldn't.

ANDY: Aunt Bee, he likes you.

BEE: Well, why me?

ANDY: Andy, you're his friend.

ANDY: Oh, no.No, no, no, no.

JOHN: Then I'll tell him.

ANDY: No. You can't do that, john.

JOHN: Well, what do you suggest?

ANDY: Maybe he'll fall down and break his mouth.
(NEW SCENE)

( Doorbell rings )

ANDY: Hi, john.

JOHN: Hi. Come on in.

ANDY: How are you? Hi, g*ng.

ALL: Hi.

ANDY: Boy, you sure did wait till the last minute to change the meeting place. How come?

JOHN: We figured we had to have one practice without Barney so's we get an idea of where we're going.

BEE: The poor boy. He'll be expecting us all over at town hall.

ANDY: That's the truth.

JOHN: Well, I had to do something. Do you realize that concert is a week from tonight and we haven't sung one number through on key.

( All agreeing )

JOHN: Well, of course, there's always the alternative. I could tell him to his face.

ANDY: No...Oh, no. Don't do that. We'll do it.

JOHN: Then let's begin, shall we? Bee, Thelma Lou, Andy..

ANDY: Thank you.

JOHN: All right now. Now, everybody -- 14-a, from the beginning. Everybody ready? Now a nice group, please...Nice group. Ready? Hazel...

( Playing introduction )

* Welcome, sweet springtime
* We greet thee in song
* Murmurs of gladness
*fall on the ear
* Voices long hushed
* Now their full notes
prolong... *

( Doorbell ringing repeatedly )

( Doorbell continues ringing )
(John opens door)

BARNEY: Hi, John. Hi, everybody.

ANDY: Hi, Barn.

BARNEY: Gee, you changed the meetin' place, huh? Golly, it's a lucky thing I turned down Elm Street
and heard the singing. Next time you change the meeting place you ought to let a fella know. Who's the phone committee?

ANDY: Oh, uh, didn't anybody call you, barn?

BARNEY: No, they didn't.

THELMA LOU: I'm sorry, Barney. I don't know how that oversight came about.

BARNEY: Well, no harm done. All's well that ends well. Here I am. Let's get started. Oh, good old
14-a.

( Barney Clearing throat )

( Humming ) * Me-me-me-me * Me-me-me-me, aaah...Okay.

JOHN: Hazel...

( Piano introduction )

* Welcome, sweet springtime
* We greet thee in song
( off-key )
* Murmurs of gladness...

(New scene)

JOHN: I'm sorry, Andy, but my mind is made up. This cannot go on. The concert is day after tomorrow and I will not have it ruined by that caterwauling tenor. Well? What's it to be? You or me?

ANDY: All right, John, if it's got to be done I guess it's our place to do it. Thelma Lou, you and Barney
come on over to the house tonight and we'll try to think of some way to keep him from showing up
at that concert.

THELMA LOU: Well, all right, but how?

ANDY: Well, after supper, we'll, we'll take him in and set him down, and talk to him -- reason with him,
explain it all to him -- then we'll tie him up and put him in the closet.

(NEW SCENE)

ANDY: Yeah, that was really, really good to eat, yeah.

BARNEY: I believe I'll have some more of that coffee.

ANDY: Uh, hey, Barn?

BARNEY: Huh?

ANDY: There's, uh...There's something we've been wanting to talk with you about. Something we've been thinking about the choir.

BARNEY: And I bet I know just what it is. The way we been singing good old 14-a leaves a lot
to be desired. Listen, while we're all here, why don't we just get in a little extra practice?

ANDY: Well, that's...

BARNEY: Well, it wouldn't hurt none, you know? I mean, no matter how good we are there's always room for improvement. None of us is perfect. Come on, Thelma Lou, you can tickle the old ivories.
Set right down here now. One thing about singing, you never get too much practice. That's what my voice teacher used to say. Here it is. All right, come on. Come on, come on! That's the place, I believe.

THELMA LOU: All right.

BARNEY: * Me...me...me

Okay, everybody ready?

All right.

( Barney singing off-key ):
* welcome, sweet springtime
* We greet thee in song

OPIE: Somebody sounds terrible.

* Murmurs of gladness
fall on the ear *

OPIE: It's Barney!

* Voices long hushed
now their full notes prolong *

BARNEY: Hey, hold it. Hold it! Did somebody hit a sour note?

ANDY: Worse than that. Open up your mouth.

BARNEY: Huh?

ANDY: Open your mouth. I want to see something.

ANDY: Ah...

BARNEY: Ah...
ANDY: Ah...

BARNEY: Ah...

ANDY: Oh-oh.

BARNEY: Oh-oh?

ANDY: Aunt Bee, you and Thelma Lou look, see if you see it. Open up. Ah.

BEE: Oh, it's all red!

THELMA LOU: It's red as can be.

BARNEY: It is?

ANDY: Yes. And swelled up. Oh, there's a lump in there that big.

BARNEY: Well, Andy, I don't feel sick. I mean, not very.

ANDY: It's likely it just started. You'll be feeling it in a few hours. I think you better get to bed.

BARNEY: Get to bed?! For how long? I mean, there's the concert and everything!

ANDY: Oh, well, you'll have to forget about that.

BARNEY: Huh? Forget about it? Not be in it? Leave you without a first tenor?

ANDY: Well, it'll be a blow to the group. Blow to the group, there's no doubt about that, but, well, it
can't be helped.

BARNEY: But, Andy, I think I can make it.

ANDY: Barney, you have to think of the others. I mean, their health -- their health. You have to think
of their health. Even if you could make it you wouldn't want to spread your germs all over everybody else, would you?

THELMA LOU: Honey, I'll take you home.

AUNT BEE: Now go along with her, Barney. And don't you think about the concert. You just think
about getting well.

BARNEY: But to be this close...

ANDY: Rest, barney, rest.

(doorbell)

AUNT BEE: Who could that be at this hour?

ANDY: I don't know. I reckon I better see, hadn't I?

(opens door, Barney and Thelma Lou enter)

ANDY: Barney, what are you doing here?

BARNEY: Andy, I got great news! My throat ain't sore after all.

ANDY: How'd you find out?

THELMA LOU: He insisted on stopping by Doc Kravits.

BARNEY: This was important.I didn't want to let the group down. I figured maybe he could give me
one of them miracle dr*gs or something.You know what the miracle was? There ain't nothing
wrong with my throat. My throat ain't no different than anybody else's. That's whatthe doc said.

ANDY: Good old doc.

BARNEY: You know that lump you seen? That's the uvula. Everybody's got one. Did you know
you had a uvula, Andy? Open your mouth. Go on, open it! There's the old uvula. See, you got a uvula.They got a uvula.I got a uvula. All God's children got a uvula.

ANDY: Hallelujah.

(new scene)

JOHN: It's just incredible how a man can sing so flat and talk so normal.

ANDY: Yup. Shame Barney can't talk his part.

JOHN: Yeah.
(Barney enters)

BARNEY: Hi, everybody. Gee, I'm sorry I'm late. Hope I didn't hold you up.

ANDY: Why, no, Barn. Matter of fact, we was just discussing a new idea that involves you.

BARNEY: Oh, yeah? Something to do with the group?

ANDY: You better know it has. Uh, we're going to make you soloist. Right, john?

JOHN: Soloist?

ANDY: Yeah.

BARNEY: Soloist? Me?

ANDY: Yeah, and you're going to have your own microphone and everything!

BARNEY: I am?

ANDY: Oh, yeah. We have to keep you way separate from the group.

BARNEY: You do?

ANDY: Yeah. That's so your recitations will stand out.

BARNEY: My recitations?

ANDY: Yeah. There's going to be one in every number. And you're going to do 'em.

BARNEY: You mean I don't get to sing? I just talk?

ANDY: Oh, it will be so effective. Won't it?

( All agreeing )

ANDY: Effective! Right in the middle of all this singing will come your dramatic voice...Speaking your part. Won't that be effective?

( All agreeing )

BARNEY: Well, if you're all agreed I guess the least I can do is give her a try.

ANDY: Oh, good, good.


ANDY: You stand over here kind of by yourself and we'll do 14-a. And when we get to the second verse you talk it, right? Okay, good old 14-a? Let's start at "voices long hushed."

JOHN: All right, andy.

ANDY: Now, talk.

JOHN: Hazel.

* Voices long hushed
now their full notes prolong *

* Echoing far and near

( Group humming )

"Balmy and life-breathing breezes are blowing. Swiftly to nature,new vigor bestowing."
(Starts singingj) * Oh, how my heart * Beats with rapture anew...

ANDY: Hold it! You're supposed to be talking.

BARNEY: Oh, it's no use, Andy. Can you tell a bird to talk? Can you tell a bird to just go chirp,
chirp, chirp? No, Andy, I'm like a bird. I was born to sing.

ANDY: Barney, Barney, Barney.

BARNEY: If you'll excuse me I got some throat spray in the car. If I'm doing solos I better give myself
a couple squirts.
(Barney exits)

JOHN: You still want to go through with it? Let him sing solo? No, Andy, no.

ANDY: Wait a minute, John. It'll work. It come to me yesterday when I saw Barney listening
to a phonograph record. Now, listen. Barney'll do the solos all right. But it won't be with his voice.
You see, Barney, he'll be on stage singing into a dead microphone. The live microphone will be backstage with Glen Cripe singing into it. It's as simple as that.

JOHN: But Glen Cripe is not a tenor.

ANDY: It'll work, John.

JOHN: How are you going to keep Barney quiet? Even though his microphone is dead people can
still hear him.

ANDY: I already got that worked out. Just leave it to me. And don't worry.

(new scene)
ANDY: This here is a solo microphone. Very, very, sensitive. This thing will amplify
your voice a thousand times.

BARNEY: Really strong, huh?

ANDY: Strong? ( Whistles ) You blast away at this thing and you'll bust every eardrum in the auditorium.

BARNEY: What do I do?

ANDY: You have to sing real low, real low. Now try it.

BARNEY: Okay.

BARNEY: ( Clears throat ) * Balmy and life...

ANDY: Hold it. Hold it. Too loud. Low.

BARNEY: * Balmy and life...

ANDY: That's still too loud, Barney. When I mean low, I mean real low. It don't take much to be heard.
Try it again.

BARNEY: Try it again, okay.

* Balmy and life-breathing
breezes are blowing *

Was that all right?

ANDY: That's still too loud, Barney. Still way yonder too loud. Believe me, now. Tomorrow night,
when this microphone's hot and the amplifiers are amplifying and the acoustics and all...Why, I tell you what. You just keep singing softer and softer, and when you got it about right I'll tell you.

BARNEY: Okay.

* Balmy and life...

* Balmy and life...

* Balmy and...

* Balmy and...

( No audio )

ANDY: That's it! That's it! That's it! You got it! Now you do it just like that and you'll come
through fine.

BARNEY: Andy, I was barely making a sound.

ANDY: You think you was barely making a sound. But tomorrow night when this microphone's on
and you sing like that your glorious voice will reverberate all through this hall. Won't it, g*ng?
(all agreeing)

(At the competition)

* Welcome, sweet springtime,
we greet thee in song *

* Murmurs of gladness
fall on the ear *

* Voices long hushed,
now their full notes prolong *

* Echoing far and near

* Ooh

* Sunshine now wakes
all the flowers from sleep *

* Joy-giving incense
floats on the air *

* Snowdrops and primrose
both timidly peep *

* Paling the glad new year

(Barney at microphone, starts "singing")

( Deep voice-backstage )

* balmy and life-breathing
breezes are blowing *

* Swiftly to nature,
new vigor bestowing *

* Oh, how my heart beats
with rapture anew *

* Earth's fairest beauty
again meets my view *

* Sunshine now wakes
all the flowers from sleep *

* Joy-giving incense
floats on the air *

* Snowdrops and primrose
both timidly peep *

* Paling the glad new year

* New year *

(new scene)

BARNEY: You know, Andy...I just can't get over that strange feeling I had last night -- When I heard my little voice coming over the loudspeaker back at me, I...Well, it just didn't sound like me.

ANDY: That's common.

BARNEY: It is?

ANDY: Sure! Ever hear yourself on telephone? You wouldn't hardly believe it's you.

BARNEY: Yeah, yeah, that's right. Well, it sure was a lucky day all around when they asked me
to join that choir. I sure am going to enjoy singing with them down through the years.

ANDY: Oh, uh, about that, Barney, uh...I'm afraid that
won't be possible.

BARNEY: Huh?

ANDY: Well, you know that award they give you for being the outstanding performer?

BARNEY: You mean, the $10 merchandise certificate?

ANDY: Yeah -- you know what that means, don't you? That means you are a professional singer.

BARNEY: What?

ANDY: That's right, that's right. They give you remuneration for your talent, and that makes you
a professional singer. And you are no longer eligible to sing with the amateur ranks.

BARNEY: Not sing with the choir? Ever? Anymore?

ANDY: Well, you wouldn't want the Mayberry choir to be disqualified from state competition, would you?

BARNEY: Well, no! But...

ANDY: Well, then...

BARNEY: Oh, gee, Andy, this comes as disappointing news. In one way. Course, in another way, it could be a blessing in disguise. I mean, if the deputy sheriff business ever falters, I've got an ace in the hole. You know, I could move right over into the showbusiness.You know, singing at weddings
and funerals.

ANDY: Oh, absolutely, yeah.

BARNEY: Of course, in case that ever happens, I better keep the old voice in shape!

* Nita

* Juanita

* Da da da da da
da da *