07x08 - Major Ego

[bunniefuu]

[theme music playing]

[O.R. chatter]

Come on. Get in there.
Give me some suction.

Clean it up a little.

Nurse,we need some more--

Let's go, let's go!

Would anyone care forsome powdered orange juice?

-It's fresh.-Just what the doctor ordered.

I'll just sip mine
here on the veranda.

That water was a lot strongerbefore you flavored it.

There was only enough
powder for two pints,

and there's at least
a gallon of us here.

I don't know.
It worked with loaves
and fishes.

-[chuckling]
-At least it's wet.

Doctor?

That swill? No.

Thank you, Father.

Of course, if you couldwave your hand over it

and change it into wine...

-Major, do you box?
-No.

Good, 'cause I'm temptedto teach you.

We're losing him, Doctor.

Oh, that's impossible.This is a routine operation.

Move it, Winchester!

Still no pulse.

I don't understand. Why?

Revive firstand ask questions later.

-This is insane!
-Charles, go!

Get on that horseor step aside.

Doctor, you've gotta
do something now.

Shut up, all of you,and let me work.

Cardiac needleand adrenaline, stat.I'll start a massage.

Better let mehandle it.

POTTER:Even strokes,one per second.

Have her breathe himevery five strokes.

I am aware of the procedure,thank you.

CHARLES:
Come on. Damn it!

Come on. Come on.

Live! That's an order!

I'm getting a pulse.

Are you sure?

It's very erratic,but it's there.

-Stay with him, son.
-[air pumping]

Pressure?

60, systolic.Pulse is getting stronger.

80 over 50.Pulse stronger.

Getting regular.

All right. Let's
see if it holds.

90 over 60.He's alive again.

[all cheering]

[laughing]
Congratulations, Charles.

That was some rubdown.

Wouldn't you know?Just when I'm mad at him,

he goes and does
something heroic.

I'd applaud you, Major,

if this boy didn'tneed his kidney.

What is all the fuss about?

Haven't you people
ever seen a man

brought back to life before?

You know, I must be sick today.I've got an appetite.

Thank God
you're here, Charles.
Revive this liver.

Pierce, for once yourmockery is justified.

My performance in O.R. todaywas inexcusable.

I hesitated far too longbefore springing into action.

Do I hear right?
Humility from that mouth?

It's hard to dragthese words out, Charles,

but you dida marvelous job.

No, I should have startedthe massage much earlier.

I should have clamped the art--Do you really think so?

Charles, as far
as I'm concerned,

your patient had the best
doctor in the room.

Yes, of course.You're absolutely right.

I didn't want to be the oneto say so, but thank youfor confirming it.

-He got me.
-We should've known.

That size-45 head'sa dead giveaway.

-May I join you?
-Only at the hips.

Please, Margaret,we need some beautyto offset the beasts.

-Doctor, it was an honorworking beside you today.-Don't start him, Margaret.

Being a part of what you didgave me a wonderful
feeling inside.

-I want to thank you.
-Anytime, Major.
It was nothing.

Nothing?It should be written up

-in all the medical journals.-Or at least "Boys' Life."

The simple adulationof my coworkers will suffice.

Hey, Doc!Nice shoestring catch today.

Thank you, Klinger,and never touch me again.

Here you go, Major.
From the law firm

of Whitehurst, Blinn,
Blinn and Whitehurst.

Pretty classy.By the way,it's postage due.

B.J.:
I'd sue.

For Captain Hunnicutt
from Mill Valley,

Mill Valley, Mee-Vee...

Two from my wife,
one from my little girl.

Donald Penobscott!
That crud!

He's tied up our
joint savings account

until the settlement
is final,

and it's mostly
my money!

Margaret, relax.
It's all part of
the joy of divorce.

Yes, you'll get iteventually.

If I may wax philosophic,

patience is an integral elementof the unbought grace of life.

Oh, cram it
down your Webster!

What did I say?

You mean you don't
know either?

[Whistling]

Oh!

-Colonel!
-Ah, sh**t.

I must talk to you about
that moneygrubbing weasel
I'm divorcing.

Please, Major,after I catch the sunset.

It's only 3:00
in the afternoon!

-I like to paint
the sky in first.
-Colonel!

All right.
Find a parking space.

Donald's tied up our
joint account into
a thousand legal knots,

and my lawyers
say there's nothing
I can do about it.

The scales of justice
take time to balance.

Ah, bull!

Seemed like a goodthing to say.

I'm just so sick and tired
of this whole divorce!

All right.The immediate problem

is getting Penobscottto release your money, right?

-Before I k*ll him.
-Right.

What if I put through a calland talk to him, man-to-man?

Good, but you'll have
to make it man-to-rat.

[knocking]

Enter at your own risk.

Colonel Potter?

Captain Tom Greenleigh, Stars and Stripes.

Sorry, I already subscribe.

I'm here on a story
assignment, sir.

I'll give you a story.

Flash-- Army nurse
gets shiv from ex.

-Pardon me?
-Never mind.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.That sounds very interesting.

How 'bout if wediscuss it later

over drinksin the Officers Club?

You men,
you're all sleaze.

Whoa! Whoo!

Want to slip 'em backin their sockets, Captain?

Yoo-hoo! Captain?

Uh, oh, yes, sir.

I'm here to do a story
on your Major Winchester,

the surgeon that brought
the G.I. back on the table.

Brass thinks
it's newsworthy.

How'd they find out about itso quickly? Winchester?

Well, he called in
the lead.

Surprised it took him so long.I don't know about this.

All my people do a good job.

I don't like setting oneabove the others,

especially him.

Well, sir, H.Q. has
requested that you comply.

-General Imbrie.
-Uh-huh.

-The place is yours.
-Thank you, Colonel.

If it's okay, I'd like
to start off by asking you
a couple of questions.

Okay, if you like.

Who was that
feisty majorette?

You're the snoop.Dig for it.

Please, bear withmy clumsiness, Captain.

This is my first interviewsince I graduated fromHarvard summa cum laude

with one of the highestgrade point averagesever seen at that institution.

The man's a marvel.He can grovel

and blow his own hornin the same breath.

Pierce!Ah, just a moment.

Lampoon to your heart's
delight, Pierce,

but when the brass in Tokyoread this article about me,

I shall be delivered
from this muckhole

and placed
in a proper facility.

With a crescent moon
on the door.

I knew there hadto be a good reason

why you savedthat guy's life.

Pierce.
Ignore them, Captain.

I assume that you'llwant to start

with some biographicalinformation.

Well, I really don't
have room for that.
Just the facts.

Oh, right.
Of course.

Well, I was born
in upper Boston,

where my family has livedfor five generations.

In a modest
20-room log cabin.

Due to my background
and breeding,

it was inevitable that Iattend the finest schools.

Choate, Harvard.

The MassachusettsInstitute of Snobbery.

When they get this way,

I usually just hit themwith a rolled-up newspaper.

Last night
we ate his slipper.

Perhaps we should startwith some pictures.

A flash of genius.

Okay.

We'll say "cheese,"
you say "Choate."

Let's callthe whole thing off.

Get out of my picture
and out of my life!

Wait a minute. That's--That's not a bad shot.

Winchester and his cohorts.

Praise beto the god of surgery.

We kiss thy hand,
Your Swell-headedness.

[chuckling]
Got it.

Here you go, shutterbug!

Snap my picture andwin me a free trip home.

That's a guy.

Oh, these reportersdon't miss a thing.

Captain, I've got a greatphoto series for your rag.

Stars of the silver screen

as portrayed by
Corporal Max Klinger.

Wait a minute,wait a minute. I know.

Charles Laughtonin Mutiny on the Bounty.

-After the mutiny.
-Wrong.

This is one of the characters

from the 1939 epic
Gone With the Wind,

and it ain't Rhett Butler.

Where did he escape from?

That's the idea, sir.I'm a loon.

Now tell the world.

Get out of here,you antebellum baboon!

-[Southern accent]Unhand me, damn Yankee!-Klinger!

MAN [on P.A.]: Attention, all personnel.

Wounded arriving
in the compound.
Come one, come all.

The fun never stops.

Stay close, Greenleigh.

You'll get some memorableshots of me in action.

Hey, wait a minute,Captain!

What about my picture?

We'll think about thattomorrow, Scarlett.

I'll be waiting at Tara!That's the tent next
to the latrine.

Belly wound. Plasma.
Type and cross match.

-[sneezes]
-Springtime in Korea,

when the air is filled
with pollen and b*ll*ts.

All right, wait.

Let's find a really
interesting case,

one that's more newsworthy.

Let's see here.

Fracture. Femur.

No, wait, wait.
This one's nothing.

Uh, Major Houlihan?Captain Tom Greenleigh.

We met in Colonel Potter'soffice.

Get out of my way!

-Nice to see you again!-Excuse me, Captain.

-Yes. Excuse me.
-Hey, hey!

-Watch it, will you?
-Sorry.

Tag him number two.
Get him inside.

Look, Greenleigh,why don't you play withyour Brownie someplace else?

These guys have beenshot enough for one day.

Amen. This is nota fashion show, Captain.

-Stand off to the side
while you take those.
-Yes, sir.

Captain Greenleigh.
A good one here.

Sucking chest wound.This'll be perfect.

Pressure dressing, stat.Get him into O.R. How's this?

Good. Just lean over
a bit more.

-More.
-Uh...

Head-- Chin up.

-Good, good.
-Huh? Fine.

Tokyo, here I come.

[shutter clicks]

Uh, Captain, you areprobably asking yourself

"Why did he doa primary anastomosis?"

Good question.

Thank you.

Sure. Well,ordinarily, see,

one would do a--do a colostomy

and leave the delicate workfor the surgeons in Tokyo.

However,
since I am more adept

than, uh-- [laughing]--
others here,

I'm able to give
these brave soldiers

that little extra something.

[humming "Americathe Beautiful"]

You have just heard
the ponderous words

of Dr. Charles Emerson
Supercilious,

the only surgeon
who can operate

with one foot
lodged in his mouth.

Captain, I use
a fascinating stitch

of my own devising
during closure.

You want-- Cap-- Captain?

I can't believe it.

They're walking outon you, Major.

Mind if I watch?

It's a half-free country.

I meant watch you.

You never quit, do you?

Now you're getting it.

Captain Greenleigh,
I thought you were
watching me operate.

He's operatingon his own now, Charles.

Table for one here,
no waiting!

Time flies when you're nottrying to impress the press.

Put in a new blade, Pierce.It's not cutting.

Blunt trauma to the chest.Looks like an aneurysm.

Well, that should slow youdown, Mr. Zippety Zip.

Winchester,you better take it.

Colonel, I've done
aneurysms before.

It's Winchester's specialty.

It's best to gowith your strength.

[chuckling]
Finish closing for me.

Thank you. Gown.

Thank you.

All right.
[laughing]

Pierce, step aside.
Doctor at work.

And this is the famousPrivate Sutton,

who only owes me his life.

-Is that true, kid?-That's what he tells me.

This is Captain Greenleighfrom Stars and Stripes.

He's gonna do a bit ofreportage on your case.

I'm gonna be in the papers?

We're going to bein the papers, yes.

This ain't the first timeI've been wounded, you know.

-I already got a Purple Heart.
-Yeah?

Let's hear about it.

-It was about six months ago.-Uh-huh.

-I was in this bunker, see---[nervous chuckle]

Sutton, stay calm.You mustn't get excited.

Why do people always go berserkwhen they meet a reporter?

Nurse.

-When did you come on duty?-Three hours ago.

Was the drainage this bloodywhen you first checked him?

About the same as it is now.Anything to worry about?

I'm not sure.
Maybe we should ask
Front Page Charlie.

-Oh, Charles.
-Not now, Pierce.

So, tell me about the othertimes you got clobbered, kid.

The first time was
at Pork Chop Hill.

Say, Captain, one battleis so much like the next.

You know, there'sthe senseless shelling

and the repetitious attackingand the retreating.

-It's all quite mindless.-Dr. Winchester!

What is it, Pierce?

I would like a consultationon a medical matter.

You remember medicine.

Gentlemen, this won't take memore than a second.

Sutton, stay calm and quiet

until I get back.
You need to rest.

-Uh, now--
-Calm.

Quiet.

Spare me the barbs.
Get to the point.

-It's Martinez,
your aneurysm patient.
-Yes?

The drainage from hischest tube is too bloody.

That's ridiculous.

Could it be that youmissed a bleeder

during your pressconference in O.R.?

I didn't miss
anything in there.

-Pulse and pressure are normal.-Mm-hmm.

Then how do you explainall the red stuff?

Pierce, in this type
of operation,

there is occasionally
excess drainage.

If you had my years of
experience in this area,
you would know that.

No, you wouldn't, for you
haven't my intuition.

Could be,but my trick knee tells mecheck for hemorrhaging.

Opening this man up is notgoing to solve anything.

Pierce.

Are you sure you don't havean ulterior motive?

-An ulterior motive?
-Of course.

Show me up, get the headlines,hmm? It's very clever.

Doctor, the only thingthat's keeping me fromknocking your block off

is I would have
to treat you afterwards.

Truth hurts,
doesn't it, Pierce?

-[door slams]
-[chuckling]

-[knocking]-I dare you to come in!

-Major?
-Oh.

-What the--
-Careful, Colonel.
I just washed those.

Sorry, I didn't mean to stickmy nose in your business.

Did you talk to Donald?

Till I was bluein the face.

-He said no?
-In a word, yes.

Damn it! I knew it!

Margaret, if it'll help,I could lend you somemoney till things--

Ah, save it! I mean,
thank you, Colonel.

But it's not the money.
I just hate sitting here,

not being able to do
anything about it.

-I feel like hitting something!-Understandable.

No, I feel like
breaking something!

I think I'd bettergo check on Sophie.

Understandable.

Good night, Margaret.

[screaming]

NURSE:
Pulse is 110.

If he was a hummingbird,he'd be in great shape.

How's the drainage?

Still too much.

This kid's definitely
blown a gasket.

I'm gonna scrub.

Prep him for O.R.
And go find Winchester.

Tell the star he's on
in five minutes.

Sorry, Martinez.

Nobody should have togo through two opening nights.

Say when, Margaret.

Men stink.

Close enough.

Can I confide in you,honey... cutt?

-Hunnicutt.-As a doctor or a bartender?

I think you're cute.

So do I,
but what do we know?

Not like oldDonald Duckface.

It's been four months

since we madeclose order drill.

[chuckles]

That's what heused to call it.

Margaret,
maybe I shouldn't
be hearing this.

I'm not a licensed innkeeper.

Four long months.

Sometimes I really miss beingheld by a man, you know?

Having him caress me,kiss me...

touch my hair.

How 'bout some coffee?

It wouldn't be the same.

I'm afraid it's
the best I can do.

Never mind.

Well. Good evening, Major.

How 'bout if I, uh,
buy you a drink?

Do you always talkin opening lines?

Huh?

"Buy you a drink?"

"Remember me?""Mind if I watch?"

I can't wait to find out

how much I remind youof your sister.

Then you tell me.
How do I do it?

Now, how do I tell
a beautiful woman

whom I've watched
with fascination,

who's filled my thoughts
ever since I got here,

that I would like to getto know her very, very well?

That's awfully good.

[chuckling]
Thank you.

How 'bout if Ibuy you a drink?

What? Well, that's fine.

-Bartender--
-No. Not here.

My tent.

Just give me five minutesto...tidy things up a little.

Oh, boy. Whatever these are,I'd like two to go.

Greenleigh, easy on her.

She's going through
a rough time right now.

Hey, Doc, come on.I'm an officerand a gentleman.

Is it five minutes yet?

Never mind.Don't worry about it.

I'll just walk very slowly.

Ah! Captain,okay, there's no way

you can't recognizethis little cutie.

A perennial box-officefavorite.

Not now, huh?

It's Dorothyfrom The Wizard of Oz

about to be magicallytransported to Kansas,

or Toledo, which isright on the way.

I gotta run. I'll takeyour picture tomorrow, okay?

-Promise?
-Promise!

Did you hear that, Toto?

We're going home!
We're going home!

Pierce, how dare youopen up one of my patients!

I just couldn't wait
till Christmas.

Of all the unmitigated gall.

Gall? No, I'd say
an artery, hemorrhaging.

You should have gottenmy opinion.

I couldn't wait for it
to come out in the papers.

Well, lookie here.

Lookie where?

In the superior
ascending aorta.

One of the suturelines is leaking.

One of my suture lines.

Vascular silk.

I do--

I don't know how thatcould've happened.

Yes, you do.

Yes, I do.

Ah, what
a beautiful morning!

You don't lookso bad yourself.

Thank you.

It's been a long timesince I've felt this good.

Don't mention it.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Listen, I gotta hita deadline tonight in Tokyo,

but I'll be backthrough these partsin a couple of weeks,

and I'd like to fill upyour dance card.

-Oh, Tom.
-No, really.

Come here.

Next time,we should go to Seoul.

Now, I know a great spotwe can stay down there.

It's calledGino's Shangri-la.

It's got a little gardenin back with a real tree.

-Tom.
-It's very romantic.

-You'll love it.
-Tom.

Last night was very
important to me.

-Me too.-But not for the same reason.

For the first time
since my divorce,

I was free of my husband.

I finally let him go.

So what's the problem?

Well, now that I've found
a little freedom,

I want to stay free.

Oh. That's the problem.

At least for a while.

Well, if that'sthe way you feel.

I'm afraid I do.

I'm still gonnacall you, though.

[chuckling, moans]

You never do give up,
do you?

No. No, no.

Good morning, Major.

Oh, sir!Good morning, Colonel!

-Glorious morning, isn't it?-Glorious.

You all right?

Never better.

Is this the same
Margaret Houlihan

who's been punting
backsides all over camp?

No, sir, this is a newMargaret Houlihan.

Well, whatever you did
to change, keep it up.

Yes, sir.

[whistling]

Say it, Pierce!

You're gonna say it
anyway, so say it now!

-Say what?
-You know.

"Well, if it isn't
Charles 'Ego' Winchester,
the Boston Bungler."

That is
what you would say.

Oh, I left out
"I told you so."

Well, say it!

Why should I?You already did.

Yeah, you loved it,
didn't you?

-Anybody home?-No, but we'd like to be.

Major, I finished the article.

Not now, Greenleigh.My soul is in torment.

You are gonna love this.
Listen.

"With lightning efficiency,

"he moves from one
difficult case to the next.

-When the medicos"--
-Medicos?

Yeah, gives it some zip.

"...encounter
a traumatic aneurysm,

"the enlargement of a vesselleading to the heart,

"they call in the one man

"who can guarantee
a successful operation:

-Major Charles Emerson"---Stop!

Stop right there.

The patient to whom you refer

developed complicationsdue to my inefficiency.

So you would beprinting a lie.

So who's gonna know?

Me! Therefore, you will notprint it at all!

What-- What are you doing?You can't rip that up.

You're telling me
that I've wasted
two whole days

listening to those
endless stories

about that lace curtain
circus you call a family?

Take care, man!

-What a dump.
-The decorator's here.

Forget it. I don't care
what I take back to Tokyo,

as long as it's a story.

Come on. We're wastinglight, Joan Crawford.

Bette Davis.
Did you say light?

[gasp] I've been
trying for so long.

I want to thankthe Academy, my public.

I love you!
Love you all!

-Come on. Let's go!-God bless you, Darryl Zanuck!

[chattering, indistinct]

Charles, you're notgonna like this,

but I'm gonnatell you anyway.

You're pompous, arrogant,conceited and a total boor.

[sighs]

But you're all right.

-Good evening, Charles.-No, thank you.

Why the sour puss?

Captain Greenleigh justleft with your article.

By next week, you'll bethe toast of the Far East.

There will be no article.
I ripped it up.

What did you do that for?

'Cause I didn't like
his style.

Funny. I wasn't crazyabout it myself.

But now I'm having
second thoughts.

So am I.

Margaret, are we talking
about the same thing?

-Oh, I'm sure we're not.-Oh.

[theme music playing]