06x17 - Tea and Empathy

[bunniefuu]

♪♪ [theme]

Cunningham.

Wow. All those
head wounds--

looks like
they got scalped.

Who's their C.O.,
General Custer?

They're English.

That'll be
the Gloucester regiment.

How do you know?

Those are the nutcakes
that never wear helmets.

They're trying to prove
it's mind over shrapnel.

Full blood
and prep him stat.

And this one's next.

-Hey, doc.
-Hi.

Remember me?

Yeah, sure.
I sat next to you

at the Dempsey/Firbo
fight.

You operated on me
about eight months ago.

You're in luck.
The warranty's still good.

It's really hurting me, doc.
Can you give me something?

Sure. Ten milligrams
of morphine.

Is that enough?

We want to ease
the pain, soldier,

not put you
into orbit.

I'm hurt bad, ain't I, doc?

-Shh.
-Ain't I, doc?

Please, you're
distracting me.

Am I gonna be
all right?

I'd rather not commit
myself at this time.

Please, do your best.

Oh, soldier, you don't know
how fortunate you are.

Major Winchester was one
of the finest surgeons

-in Boston. -Thank you, Major.

In the states,
you couldn't even afford

to have this man
look at you.

She's absolutely right,
you know.

If this had happened
in Boston,

I would have referred
you to someone else.

What hands.

If I were on
the operating table,

I wouldn't want anyone
but you to touch me.

Set a place for me,
will you?

How revolting.

I have every reason
to revolt.

I'm sick of this place.

Winchester, is that still
your first patient?

I've done three
since you started.

He's probably
running a check on
the guy's credit.

Do you want it good, Colonel,
or do you want it fast?

Good and fast.
This isn't Boston General.

We're a MASH unit.
We do a volume business.

Well, I'm sorry. I was not
trained on an assembly line.

Neither was I.
Nurse, wrench.

Don't be too hard on Charles,
Colonel. This is Wednesday.

He gave up his squash
game to be here.

Thank you, Captain.

I'm sure you'll do
very well after the w*r

in a nice little
free clinic somewhere.

Goodness,
what a sharp tongue.

He's sliced a lot
of baloney with it.

Will you get off
his back?

Bottle it,
all of you.

Colonel, I've got
to talk to you.

What is that smell?

Klinger, did you fall
into the sauerkraut?

I'm wearing Asian musk.

It creeps out of the night
to weave its magic spell.

So does a skunk.

You don't like it.

Stop sulking and speak up.

I got a patella here that
looks like a tennis racquet.

Somebody broke into supply

and cleaned us all
out of penicillin.

Ah, damn!
Black marketeers again.

I thought I told you
to change the locks
on the supply room.

I did, and it
stopped them cold.

They had to
break down the door.

Take a jeep, make the rounds.
Try and get us some more.

It's times like these I could
use a travel ensemble.

Suction.

Suction! Suction! Now!

Can I do anything,
Hawkeye?

Not yet, Father.
He's still got a chance.

I'm sorry, Father.

That was a dumb thing
to say.

No, no, I understand.

I know I must seem
like a vulture to you,

waiting for
the unfortunate ones.

I wish I could
be of more help.

I wish I could too,
Father.

-Look at this guy.
He's full of tea.
-Tea?

You can't tell whether he's
a soldier or a samovar.

I don't quite follow.

They gave him tea
when he was wounded.

Now it's seeping into
the abdominal cavity.

An engraved invitation
to peritonitis.

Oh, my goodness.
Why would they do that?

I don't know.
I'll never understand some
of these English units.

They think a belly wound is
an occasion for high tea.

This guy took cream
and sugar, yet.

As if his wounds
weren't enough.

What can you expect

from a country that has
socialized medicine?

Only Shakespeare,
crumpets, Vivien Leigh.

Let's not forget penicillin.

How can we?
We don't have any.

It's 102 plus.

That damn tea.
It's peritonitis.

Without penicillin,
he's gonna blow the top off
that thermometer by morning.

I suppose you'll have to get
a new thermometer. [chuckling]

What's the matter, Pierce?

Sorry you didn't think
of it first?

Oh, it's a joke.

You're wasting your time here.
You belong in the Catskills.

Hey,
how about a shot, Doc?

This pain
is somethin' awful.

Really?
It shouldn't be that bad.

Take it from me, it is.

Okay. It's a little early,

but I'll see that you get
another shot.

You're a real pal, Doc.

Roberts. Ten milligrams
of morphine here.

Ah. Here you are, lads.

All looking quite chipper,
I must say.

Oh, Major.

Well, we'll have you chaps
back on duty in no time.

The doctor says it will be a
couple of weeks for me, sir.

Nonsense. There are plenty
of lads up on the line

that are worse off than you.

What do you think this is,
a holiday at Brighton?

Half a mo, guv.
Who are you?

Major Derek Ross,
Gloucester regiment.

You wouldn't be the chap
that told this man

he could lollygag around
here for a fortnight?

That's my prescription--

Plenty of rest and
100 CC's of lollygag.

I don't appreciate
your humor, Doctor.

What is your rank?

Either private or general.

I can never keep
that stuff straight.

Whatever you are,
you obviously plan

to keep these men here
much longer than necessary.

They all look ready
to go right now.

Take another look,
Major.

These men need
time to recuperate.

Nonsense. Look at Michaels
here. Roses on his cheeks.

Take him out of here
too soon,

he'll have lilies
on his chest.

Is this mollycoddling
standard procedure?

These men aren't
on holiday, you know.

They're fighting a w*r,

and they can't
do it on their backs.

Do you believe
this guy?

Like something
out of Gunga Din.

Gentlemen, perhaps
it would be best

if you let me handle this.

Major, the fact is that,
in our best medical opinion,

it would simply be unwise

to release these men
prematurely.

Have you ever had
the beef Wellington
at the Dorchester?

Now see here, gentlemen,
I'm their commanding officer,

and I will not have
these men lounging about

in this luxury resort.

But, Major, they're here
on the American plan.

It won't cost you
a farthing.

I don't mean to be rude,

but I wish you'd mind
your own bloody business.

Well,
I domean to be rude,

so I wish you'd get your
bloody butt out of here.

You'll be sorry for that.

We've an old saying
in America: Get out.

Very well.

But I'll be back.

Gentlemen.

I love the English.

Wonderful manners.

It's been six months
since my last confession.

You sure this is
just between us?

Nobody else
is going to know.

Only the one
who knows everything.

[whispering:]
Colonel Potter?

I'm speaking
of the Lord.

Oh. Well, see,
I'm going home,

but before I leave,

I want to get something
off my chest.

Go ahead, my son.

Yeah, well,

I've done some bad
things here, Father--

drinking, fighting,
fraternizing.

Well, there's nothing wrong
with fraternizing,

unless you mean...

Oh... fraternizing.

Well...

But there's something
worse, Father.

I got in with these guys--

some G.I.'s
and some Koreans.

Yes?

The black market, Father.

Medical supplies.

Penicillin, sulfa,
and morphine.

Oh, I see.

I didn't like doing it,

but there's a big market
for this stuff.

Penicillin is like gold,
and the dough is good--

a grand a month.

My goodness,
the dough was grand.

Now I have
this terrible guilt.

Well, I know of several
good charities.

Perhaps you might
leave the money here.

Too late. I sent it back
to the states, to my wife.

She put a down payment
on a house.

Won't it trouble you

knowing where
the money came from?

Oh, yes. Very much.
That's why I'm here.

But hey, I didn't do
the actual stealing.

They just paid me
to stash the stuff.

Stash it? Where?

Under the temple bell at
the burned-out village school.

Oh, I see.

Well, if you want
His forgiveness,

you're going to have
to right the wrong.

Oh, I'd love to, but I
got a plane to catch.

I'll work on it
when I get home.

Is there anything else
you wanted to talk about?

Let's see...

drinking, fighting,
fraternizing, black market--

Nope, that's it.

Go ahead.

Keep sponging him down
and continue I.V.

That's all we can do.

Yes, Doctor.

Great w*r, isn't it?

sn*pers, land mines,
a*tillery, and now thieves.

It's not the w*r.
It's the neighborhood.

You're right.
Why don't you move
to the suburbs?

Then you can catch
the 5:15 to O.R.

How are you doing,
old sport?

Not so good.

I got a lot of pain.

I need a shot, doc.

You've had two
in the last eight hours.

I can't help it.

The pain's awful.

Shouldn't be that much pain.

All I know is it hurts.

Okay. You need a shot,
you'll get it.

Thanks, doc.

I really appreciate it.

Comes and goes, huh?

What do you mean?

I mean you were
in agony a minute ago.

As soon as I said
you'd get a shot,

you're happy as a clam.

Just knowing I was
getting some relief was--

What were you here for
last time, Duncan?

Hip wound.

I took some shrapnel.

Bone wounds
can be painful.

How long were you
on morphine?

A week. Maybe two.

That was while you were here.
How long after you left?

Come on, doc.

You're hooked, Johnson.

You don't need
that shot for pain.

You just need it.

You mean you're not gonna
give me another shot, doc?

I'll give you
everything but.

I'll take care of you. I'll
hold your hand if necessary.

But I won't give you
any morphine.

I don't need you
to hold my hand.

-I need that shot.
-Nope.

You're not going
to leave here a junkie,

pal, that I promise you.

Oh, Colonel,

was Klinger able
to round up any penicillin?

No, he struck out
at the 8063rd.

Let's hope he'll do better
at the 80 double nickel--

assuming they like
the smell of sauerkraut.

Uh, Colonel, there's something
I'd like to discuss.

Fire away.

Well, I--

I'm afraid I can't
be completely explicit.

Would you like
to give me a hint?

A hint might give it away.

Is it animal,
vegetable, or mineral?

Well, it's spiritual mostly.

That narrows it down.

Actually, it's
something of a dilemma.

Well, what's the dilemma?

I'm afraid I can't--

Can't tell me that.
Uh-huh.

Look, Father,
I'm kind of busy.

I'm trying to rustle up
some penicillin.

Exactly, exactly.

Exactly what?

Maybe I'd better
be more specific.

Hallelujah.

After all,
I have a responsibility

to my fellow man.

On the other hand,

we have the confidentiality
of the confessional,

which is absolute.

Absolutely.

No matter what I do,
I fear I'll be wrong.

You're right, Father,
this is a dilemma,
for the both of us.

No, this is
my own problem,

something I should
work out myself.

Whatever you say.

Yes.

Well, thank you very much
for the chat, Colonel.

Not at all. You'll have
to stop by sometime

and tell me what
we chatted about.

Father, has the Colonel
had any luck finding us
some penicillin?

I'm afraid not.

If we don't get some soon,

you better brush up
on your graveside manner.

Klinger, have any luck?

Nah, nothing.

I should have worn
something backless.

Klinger, I know
where we may be able

to find some penicillin.

Oh, yeah? Where?

Well, I can't
tell you that.

Then how are we
gonna get there?

Oh, yes.

Well, I better drive.

Then what do you
need me for?

I can't
divulge that, either.

Okay.

I've been
on blind dates before.

MULCAHY: I think
I should warn you,
Klinger--

what we're doing
could be dangerous.

Father, we're only doing
30 miles an hour.

No. I mean we're dealing
with the black market.

There's a possibility
we can run into
some shady characters.

Hey, I'm from Toledo.

Half my mail
comes from death row.

Shady characters.

There's the schoolhouse,
Klinger.

Nice location.

Why does everything
in Korea

look like it
was built deserted?

Before we go in,
Klinger,

I want to thank you
for coming along.

If you got to say that,
I'm sorry I came.

There must be a lot
of happy Korean kids

around here, Father.

Why?

The schoolhouse burned down.

I used to dream
about that in Toledo.

Klinger!

I never really did
anything about it.

I meant quiet.

You can't tell
who might be around.

It's deserted--
like summer vacation.

Ah, look.

There it is.

If we're in luck, there
may be dr*gs under here.

This is the first time
I ever broke into a bell.

Come on, we'll lean it back,
and pray.

I'm with you, Father.

[groaning]

Oh, it's heavy.

Shh! We must be very quiet.

[bell tolls]

Watch it, Klinger!

I'm sorry.

Can you hold it like that?

I'll try.

I got something.

Me too--a hernia.

"Penicillin 4077th."

This is our stuff.

We're stealing
our own dr*gs?

But this isn't stealing-- it's
redemption.

-[g*nsh*t]
-[bell clangs]

Oh, my goodness!
Was that a shot?

Your shady characters
just rang our bell.

It means class dismissed!
Let's get out of here!

Come on!

What's the matter?
Let's go.

I'm caught.

Well, we've got to get
out of here. Rip it.

Are you crazy?

This is my best skirt.

[g*nshots]

Hurry up, Klinger!
Hurry up! Come on!

That was an original.

Now they'll make copies,

and you'll see it
all over Korea.

-[g*nshots]
-Drive, Father!

Get down! Get down!

Throw it into fourth,
Father!

Onward,
Christian soldiers!

How does that feel?

I can't take it anymore, doc.

Please, half a shot?

Hang on, Johnson.

Hang on.
You're winning.

Winning?
You call this winning?

Oh, you doctors are great.

First you get me hooked,
and then you say "No more."

Nobody planned it
this way, pal,

but right now
you got no other choice.

A few more hours-- you can own
your life again.

It isn't worth it.

Give me a shot
or let me die.

You're not going to die.

He's very inventive,
but he's a little--

a little structure
conscious for me.

In my humble opinion,

the greatest work in the
whole operatic literature

is Wagner's
Der Ring des Nibelungen.

I think I saw it,
with Ethel Merman.

That... must have
been interesting.

Tell me, Major,
how do you cope

with the cultural
famine around here?

-Well, I have my work.
-Oh, of course.

And I do my nails.
And, of course, there's my yoga.

I love yoga.

-Whoops.
-Oh. Here. Ah, careful.

-What are you doing?
-I'm sorry.

My sleeve is caught
in your cluster here.

Well, get it uncaught.

Well, I will if you'll
hold still, Major.

Well, hurry up.

These animals
would just love

to get a photo like this
to send to Donald.

Major, this could
hardly be described
as a passionate embrace.

-It's not an embrace!
-[jeep approaching]

I believe
that's what I said.

-Just get-- Aah!
-[brakes squeal]

Here it is, folks!

Penicillin! Penicillin!

Father, where on earth
did you find it?

Well, it was all
very exciting.

There's this burned-out
schoolhouse by the village.

It must have been quite
charming in its day.

We heisted a bell.

Klinger,
where's your skirt?

Missing in action.

Go cover yourself,
you hairy fool.

I am covered, Major--
covered with glory!

All right, nurses,
come and get it.

Penicillin-- Start
dishing it out pronto.

One to a customer.

This round's
on the Father and me.

B.J.:
How did you get it?

Through the greatest act of
bravery since Audie Murphy.

Or Father Duffy.

I'll read the book.

Baker, keep an eye
on Johnson.

He should be calm
for a while.

Keep on the I.V.
Call me if there's trouble.

-I'm gonna get some sleep.
-Yes, doctor.

Colonel, if you'll
be good enough

to sign this bill, sir.

Bill for what?
$12.00?

One skirt-- a Klinger original.

A casualty of my
death-defying mission, sir.

I'll get you
the material.

The rest is up to you.

Sold.

Let me tell you
how I got that stuff.

Well, Padre, you
certainly saved the day.

Why, thank you, Colonel.

There's nothing quite like
putting one's spiritual values

into action, is there?

Can I assume
your little escapade

had something to do

with what we
weren't talking about?

Oh, dear, I must
have divulged too much.

Well, you slugabeds,
still on holiday?

Can I help you sir?

Good heavens,
what are you?

Just a simple
Lebanese psycho.

You always look like that?

Absolutely not.
This is disgraceful.

I usually wear a dress.

What can I do for you?

I'd like to be alone
with my men.

Of course. I'll go slip into
something more comfortable.

That was probably
the commanding officer.

KLINGER:
Captain?

Captain Pierce? Captain?

Hey.

What is it, honey?

Come on.
You got to get up.

-Who are you?
-There's trouble in post-op.

That English officer's back.

He's probably
going to quick-march
his guys out of here.

Over my already dead body.

Hand me my pants,
and take a pair for yourself.

Hey, Beej,
Colonel Blimp is back.

You want to come
for the deflating?

[mumbling]

How do you like that guy?
He only works 19 hours,

and all he can think
about is sleep.

Come on, Klinger, it's Lexington
and Concord all over again.

"And now the bloke has taken
a real fancy to your sister.

"It wouldn't surprise me

if he popped the question
before long."

-Ooh!
-Ha ha ha.

I thought the family
had given up, Billy.

Where there's a little dowry,
there's a way.

Go on. Read your
letter, Billy.

I'm on the edge
of me pillow.

"Percy's been out with her
three times this week.

"Once for a walk
on the heath,

"again for a toddy
at the Bull n' Bush,

and today they went
to the Royal Albert Hall."

Taking a roundabout way
to get to his flat, isn't he?

What is it this time, Major?

Going to put the men
through a few calisthenics

to see if their sutures hold?

Doctor, would you please
spare us your diatribe

until we're
finished here?

Uh, off you go,
Michaels.

Read your letter
from home.

Off you go,
Michaels.

Right, sir.

"The baby's eating
solid food now.

"I was holding her
at the breakfast table,

"having some sausage.

"I turned my back,

and the little tiger
ate half of Mum's banger."

What's going on?

Quiet. I'm confused.

Hey, lads, Arsenal defeated
Majesty United, 2-0.

They're going
to take the cup.

You're barmy, mate.

It's Queen's Park Rangers
all the way.

Oh, get away.

They've got
a lovely chance.

Get away.

You care
to step outside?

If I'm not back
in five minutes,

call a bobby
and a cut man.

Carry on, chaps.

[men laughing]

You were saying?

First of all,
who are you?

I beg your pardon?

You're obviously
not the same martinet

who came here before.

Whatever do you mean?

Today you're
all peaches and cream.

Last time, there were more
casualties when you left

than when you came in.

Young man, you've missed
the whole point.

Don't you understand?
When I was here before,

the men were hoping I'd
behave exactly as I did.

Uh, once more in English?

Only a madman would lash out
at a wounded soldier

without reason,

so if I come in here
breathing fire,

they realize they're
going to be all right.

You may think it
rather callous,

but, as you can see,
they've responded to it.

Oh, yes, of course--

the Marquis de Sade school
of bedside manner.

Doctor, my men know
I wouldn't shout at them

unless I expected them
to get well.

They believe it
because I believe it.

So your last visit
was just an act.

An act of kindness.
There are times

when it's better to slap
a hand than hold it.

The story of my love life.

Ah, yes. Small wonder.

you know, you Americans
would be well-advised

to learn a little
from British tradition.

After all, the Charge
of the Light Brigade

was as much a matter
of morale as bravery.

Jolly good, Major,

but not all your traditions
work out so well.

For instance?

For instance,
giving your lads tea

when they've been hit
in the belly.

That leads to another
tradition-- peritonitis.

You're sure about that?

Quite.

That does make
a bit of sense.

I'll take it up
to higher authorities,

but I don't know.

If it was anything
but tea...

SOLDIER: Major, we're waiting
to hear your letter now.

Would you care to join us?
Ripping good stuff.

No, thanks.
I got to get some sleep.

If I don't get
15 minutes a night,

I'm cranky
the whole next day.

Doctor, I, uh,

I appreciate how much
you care about my men.

Almost as much as you do.

We each have our
different way, don't we?

Well, you go your way,
and I'll go mine.

Ah, tastes good.

Doc, I'm sorry I gave you
such a rough time.

It's all right.

The time I gave you
was rougher.

Is orange juice
habit-forming?

I hope so.

Hey, thanks again.

My pleasure.

HAWKEYE: This one's
from my aunt Eloise.

"Dear Benjamin, guess what.

"Freddy Simpson
sold the pharmacy

"to a couple
from Montpelier,

"and the chocolate phosphates
haven't been the same since.

"I think they put in
too much syrup.

"Martha doesn't agree with me,

"but you know what
a sweet tooth she has.

"The upshot is
we're no longer speaking.

"Grandma Bates says

"her varicose veins
have been acting up again.

"Old Doc Snyder,
who also agrees with me

"that there's too much
syrup in the phosphates,

"says it's just that her
girdle is too tight.

"He may be right.

"She's always bought them
a size too small.

"I don't know how many
times I've told her.

That's why she walks
to the left."

Beej, what are you doing?

I'm a hit.
They love me in there.

♪♪ [theme]