04x01 - Mr. Monk and the Other Detective

[bunniefuu]

(man) No, we didn't forget about you.

Yeah. It's all here. I'm looking at it now.

Two cans tomato paste.

One 16-ounce box farfalle pasta.

One box of Glad ForceFlex trash bags.

One, two, three, four candy bars.

And a bunch of bananas.

Yeah, he'll be there in ten minutes.

You know the address, right?

You going out tonight trick-or-treating?

I think I'm a little old.

Hell, I went trick-or-treating all through high school.

That'll be $5.51.

Here you go.

Thank you. Thanks.

You have a good night.

You too. Hi.

Hello. Hello.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Um, do you have a light?

[g*nf*re]

[Randy Newman ragtime theme]

* It's a jungle out there

* Disorder and confusion everywhere *

* No one seems to care

* Well, I do

* Hey, who's in charge here?

* It's a jungle out there

* Poison in the very air we breathe *

* You know what's in the water that you drink? *

* Well, I do, and it's a-ma-zing *

* People think I'm crazy 'cause I worry all the time *

* If you paid attention, you'd be worried too *

* You'd better pay attention or this world we love so much *

* Might just k*ll you

* I could be wrong now

* But I don't think so

* 'Cause it's a jungle out there *

* It's a jungle out there *

(Stottlemeyer) Get some good sh*ts of the g*n?

Yeah. Um, sh**t this crowd too.

You never know.

Halloween. Am I right?

Something nasty always goes down on Halloween.

Really.

What went down last Halloween?

Nothing.

The one before that?

It's a new tradition.

Halloween.

Oh.

I know this store. It used to be called McCabes.

I grew up four blocks away.

After school, all the kids would hang out right here in the parking lot drinking sodas and listening to music.

That sounds like fun.

Oh, yeah.

It was a lot of fun.

I used to stand over there across the street.

I had a perfect view.

Good times. Good times.

(Stottlemeyer) Hey, Monk.

Thanks for coming.

Uh, it's kind of ugly.

The driver stopped around 1:15 for lunch.

He's on his way back to the truck when the sh**t came up, grabbed his g*n.

sh**t him four, maybe five times point blank range.

But he keeps sh**ting him even after the guy went down.

Oh my God. Was he married? I don't know.

Any kids?

I don't know, Natalie.

I just got here myself.

With his own g*n?

There must've been witnesses.

Yeah, a few people from the store.

Caucasian. Dark hair.

Maybe a blue sweater or jacket.

We're going to question them again.

How much did he get?

The truck is empty.

That's all I know.

Hey, get out of there.

Go. [claps hands]

Ho ho. Get!

I hate pigeons. Like rats with wings.

There's no defensive wounds.

Was there a struggle?

How did--how did this guy get the g*n?

That's a good question.

The M.E.'s gonna be here in a minute.

We can ask him.

What's this?

This hasn't been here long. It's clean.

That's a clove cigarette.

They make them in Indonesia.

People use them to try to quit smoking.

They don't work.

Driver's?

The driver has his own. [cell phone rings]

I'm thinking it's the sh**t's.

Well, run that down.

Every store that sells those. Hello.

No, Sharona's not here anymore.

Uh, about a year ago.

Well, I don't know what happened.

She moved to New Jersey.

Sir, I don't know what happened.

You'd have to ask her. Who is this?

Mr. Monk, it's your brother.

Ambrose?

I can't. I, uh--

Tell him I'll call him back.

Tell him I'm busy.

Your father called.

My father?

He's coming home.

See? You can trick-or-treat here.

I'll go with you.

Oh, fun. Trick-or-treating with your mom.

She's at that impossible age, between 11 and 25.

What? You okay?

What do I say to him after all these years?

You say, "Hello, Dad.

I missed you."

No. No, I can't say that.

Why did he leave just like that?

It was my fault.

I drove him crazy.

He said that.

No.

Then how do you know?

I-I-I know. I-I just know.

Mr. Monk, you can't blame yourself.

You wanna bet?

Julie, okay, be nice, okay?

Remember what we talked about?

Mr. Monk's brother's ill. He's agoraphobic.

I know. He never leaves his house.

He left once. Once in 34 years.

At least he left.

Well, the house was on fire.

I had to drag him out.

[knocks on door]

Adrian. You talked to him?

I told you he'd be back.

He's in town on a business trip.

He said he'd be here at 8:00 sharp.

You gave up.

But I never gave up.

I never gave up. Nev--

Are you trick-or-treating?

No. No. This is Natalie, my new assistant.

You spoke on the phone.

Enchanter de vous rencontrer.

I'm Ambrose Monk, Adrian's brother.

Ambrose Monk.

Yes, I know. Very nice to meet you, Ambrose.

Yes.

Uh...

This is my daughter, Julie.

I like your costume. You're a cardiologist.

I'm a doctor. No.

You're a cardiologist.

You see, that stethoscope has a built-in concave amplifier.

It's called a Stethron.

Cardiologists use it to listen for heart murmurs.

Guess I'm a cardiologist.

It's all right.

I made a mistake once.

Come--come in.

Wow. This is spooky.

Do you do this every year for Halloween?

Do what?

Um, nothing.

All these instruction manuals.

Yes, Ambrose wrote them. That's what he does.

Wow, Ambrose, you must be pretty handy around the house.

Yeah, you should've been there when we were putting together my Malibu Jenny Bungalow.

It took my mom five hours.

I'm not surprised. Mike Gordon wrote that one.

He's a hack.

The man can't tell the difference between a 3/4 inch retaining screw and a half inch lag bolt.

I'm not kidding. He actually made that mistake.

Still can't believe he won the Niz-Em-Ew award.

Niz-Em what?

National Society of Instruction Manual Writers.

Oh. Right.

I've won five of them.

Can we see one?

No.

They're not here.

They won't mail them.

Well, at least you won them.

That's the important thing.

[knock on door]

It's the door. Ambrose.

[knock on door]

The door. 'Scuse me.

Trick-or-treat! Trick-or-treat!

Wait. Wait. Not yet.

Trick-or-treat.

I've accepted your terms, which means we now have an implied contract.

By accepting this treat, you are in effect promising to refrain from committing any tricks against me or this property now or in the future.

Are there any questions? Yeah.

Do you have any Peanut Chews?

There's only what's in the bowl.

Now, one per customer, all right?

Better?

Oh, yeah. It was cluttered before.

(Ambrose) What are you doing?

You--you can't go in there.

You cannot go in there.

I--I'm sorry. I-I didn't know.

What's going on?

That--that is-- that's Dad's study.

We're--we're--we're not allowed in there.

Not allowed?

Yes. They caught me in there once when I was 12.

What happened, Ambrose?

He grounded me.

For 30 years?

It's all right, Julie.

Ambrose... what's the big deal?

We'll just take a look around.

We're adults, right?

You go in there, I will tell.

You better not. I will! I--I--I'm telling.

Well, then I'm telling him about the shaving kit.

Don't! Adrian, don't go in there.

It has to be exactly the way he left it.

It's Daddy's study.

Okay.

Okay. I'm not going in.

[doorbell rings]

Excuse me, Natalie, uh, Julie.

I have trick-or-treaters.

Sorry.

[knocking]

[growling]

How old are you?

[growling]

'Cause I have a rule-- no one older than 14.

Only one per customer.

What are you doing?

Only one per customer.

Did you hear what I said?

No. No, only one per customer.

(Natalie) Get out of here!

Hey!

[growling] Get out of here!

(Monk) Hey! Hey!

Ambrose, are you okay?

Ambrose, can you move?

Did he get more than one piece?

Ow.

Are you sure you're okay?

The man who att*cked you was 5 1/2 feet tall.

That's right.

And he wore a green mask with a bolt through the neck.

Did he say anything?

He said "Grr."

No, no, no, no. It was [growls]

Write down Frankenstein.

No, it wasn't Frankenstein. It was Frankenstein's monster.

Frankenstein is the name of the scientist who created the monster.

It doesn't really matter.

Captain, you can't just say Frankenstein, it'll confuse everybody.

[mouths words silently]

Okay, write down Frankenstein's monster.

(Natalie) I saw the guy running south towards the park.

Maybe he's there.

Look, it's probably just some high school kid with the munchies.

I don't think so. He was wearing dress shoes.

They were Italian. Forzieris.

You noticed that, right?

I'm not familiar...

They're imported.

They cost about $420 a pair.

It's not exactly something a high school kid with munchies would be wearing.

Okay, it was a rich high school kid with the munchies.

Look, I'm really sorry that your candy got spilled, but this isn't a priority for us right now.

You might have heard that there was an armored car driver shot just down the street.

Right. Right. How is that going?

Uh, nothing yet.

But get this. The driver was off duty.

The truck was empty from the start.

It was empty?

(Stottlemeyer) Yeah, I guess the sh**t didn't do his homework.

Anyway, we're off to question the cashier at the grocery store.

Do you want to come?

I could use the help.

I can't. My father.

Oh, yeah.

I understand.

I hope that goes well for you.

I'll call you tomorrow.

Come on, Lieutenant.

What are you doing, Lieutenant?

Oh, I'm just-- Sorry, you can't take that.

I don't have any extra. It's just candy.

I know how much I need.

Every year, I have it down to a science based on current weather conditions, recent census data, and the demand from previous Halloweens.

Last year, I ended up with just one extra candy bar.

Well, Ambrose, that's, um... that's very...

I don't know what the hell that is.

Come on, Lieutenant, I'll buy you a Snickers bar.

Adrian, could I-- could I talk to you?

Yeah, one second.

It's important.

What?

Out here.

Stop it. Stop.

Sorry.

All right, this way.

Oh, no.

So nobody can hear what we're doing.

It's a little dusty.

All right, come on.

Come on.

[trips] Ah!

Oh, God.

Okay. Ssh.

[whispering] Okay. Okay.

Are you and Natalie...

What?

Involved?

What?

No. No.

No. No. Why--why would you even ask me that?

Well, it's been eight years since Trudy.

Exactly!

It's only been eight years.

You're a widower. She's a widow.

And I know how you are with the ladies.

I remember, in high school, those girls calling you on the phone, talking to you on the phone, complimenting you, huh?

Ambrose... those were my teachers.

So?

What about Mrs. Flagan?

Yeah?

Natalie works for me.

Strictly professional, okay?

Is she seeing anybody else?

Why? Why?

No reason.

[doorbell rings]

(kids) Trick-or-treat!

Oh, you guys look amazing.

I love it. Here you go.

Hey, Julie. Hey, Frankie.

Frankie's in my homeroom.

So have you gone trick-or-treating yet?

If not, you can come with us.

Please, Mom?

Okay. Be back by 8:00.

Stick together.

You guys stay on this side of the freeway, all right?

Here's my cell phone.

And don't eat anything until I inspect it!

Bye, Mom.

(Stottlemeyer) Good job. Thank you.

And you've never seen this guy before?

In the store? Hanging around the parking lot?

I don't think so. But I see a lot of faces.

Sure. It looks like Kiefer Sutherland.

Yeah, I guess it does.

It wasn't Kiefer Sutherland, was it?

No, sir.

Here's a receipt. This is from your cash register.

This is him, right? Mm-hmm.

Eight items at 89 cents.

Yes, sir. Eight candy bars.

Eight candy bars?

It really looks like Kiefer Sutherland.

You know, maybe we should-- before we distribute it-- write across the bottom "not Kiefer Sutherland" just so that we don't disturb Mr. Sutherland.

That's a really good idea.

You think so? No.

Let's do this again.

So he pays you, then he walks out.

A minute later, you hear sh*ts.

You run to the window and see this guy sh**ting the driver.

Yes.

And then he looks in the back of the truck, sees it's empty, and he takes off.

No, sir. He never looked in the back of the truck.

Really.

[kids talking and shouting]

[kids screaming]

What's he doing?

You'll see. Ssh.

Is he drunk?

No, he's thinking.

Okay. Now, he must have been following you all quite a while.

Can anybody tell me which way he ran off?

He went that way.

I saw him turn left on Hamilton Street.

Uh-huh. You sure you weren't hallucinating?

Mr. Monk, he's 11 years old.

He's not a real hippie.

I got mine stolen too.

About 20 minutes ago.

Mine too.

Okay, I want all of you who had your candy stolen by Frankenstein to stand over here and the others stand over here.

Let's go.

Here. All right, here.

You here.

And you others.

Good.

So why you... but not you?

And why you... but not you?

Maybe he's afraid of karate.

Ha! Oh.

Or maybe he's afraid of pirates.

No, that's just stupid.

How many of you stopped by my brother's house?

The big gray house near the end of Oakview?

You mean where the special man lives who never comes out?

Yeah. That's right.

Where the special man lives.

How many...

He's only taking candy from kids who went to Ambrose's house?

What's going on? I don't know.

I don't know.

Wait a minute.

(Natalie) What?

No.

(Natalie) What?

No.

It's a clove cigarette.

Like the one at the m*rder scene.

Who was it this time?

Dracula? The Werewolf.

No, no. It was Frankenstein.

(all) Frankenstein's monster.

Well, there's just no stopping that crazy creature.

He wants candy. And not just any candy.

He wants your candy.

That's right, he's only interested in candy from this house.

You know, I can't help but wonder why.

The answer is here. It is right in front of us.

And you're saying that this is somehow connected to the armored car thing.

I-I bought all this candy at Beach's Market.

They deliver.

And that's where the driver was k*lled, right?

Plus, I found this where the kids were att*cked.

It's a clove cigarette.

Actually, I researched these. They're common.

150 stores in this area sell them.

Okay, you're saying that there is a connection.

I'm here. Convince me.

Why would a k*ller who every cop in this city is looking for, hang around to steal candy from children?

We don't know.

You don't know.

Can I go trick-or-treating or not?

No, not tonight, sweetie.

You promised.

I only got to go a little bit.

Honey, there is a nut out there.

The only way you can go now is with a police escort.

Lieutenant Disher.

Hmm?

Come trick-or-treating with me.

Or. I don't, uh...

Can I?

No.

Adrian, why don't you go with her?

What?

Natalie can stay here with me.

And help me get ready.

That is such a good idea.

Right?

It's not much of a costume, is it?

Sure, it is.

I'm a safety patrol officer.

Hey! Hey! Wait!

Cross at the green, not in-between!

It's amazing it still fits you.

When was the last time you wore it?

Third grade?

College.

Oh, I found some pictures. I hope you don't mind.

No. No. [sniffs]

Is that your father?

Oh, that's him and Ambrose.

He named the turtle after you?

He named me after the turtle.

Oh, Ambrose.

[laughs] Oh, I like this one.

You look so happy.

Mom was worried about us because we never laughed.

So she made us practice.

That's us practicing.

So now I can laugh... [chuckles weakly] if I have to.

What about this one?

That was taken the day before he left.

He left because of me.

I was driving him crazy. Clinging to him.

I was too needy.

Mr. Monk says it was because of him.

Nah, he's just saying that to make me feel better.

It was me.

It was me.

(Julie) Gilstrap.

That's a funny name.

Yeah. What time is it?

Um, ten to 8:00.

We gotta get home after this.

No. Just a couple more houses.

[knocks on door]

Trick-or-treat.

Trick-or-treat.

Hello. We have a doctor in the house.

I'm a cardiologist.

And you're a safety boy.

I'm a safety patrol officer.

Well, I think you both look wonderful.

No, thanks. I'm allergic.

To chocolate?

No, ma'am.

I'm allergic to food that's been sitting in a bowl all night and that other people have been touching.

Oh, well, I love chocolate.

I have to have a Neptune Bar every night before I go to bed or I can't sleep.

Well, I guess we all have our little quirks, don't we?

I suppose we do.

Well, thank you very much.

Be careful crossing the street.

I guess I don't have to tell you that.

Maybe it's fast.

It's one of the most accurate clocks in the world.

I wrote the manual for it.

They'll be here.

Natalie... could I ask you something?

Mmm.

Would you ever, uh...

consider... going out with someone like me or to be more specific, me?

Of course, we can't actually go out.

I mean, we can't go outside.

But we can go anywhere else.

Thank you, Ambrose. Thank you.

But it's... it's complicated.

Okay. I understand. Withdrawn.

I never said it. It never happened.

I'll--I'll get the ice.

My father likes a lot of ice.

I remember he--he used to like clink it.

Ambrose... sit down.

Please.

I can't go out with you because...

I work for your brother.

You know, it would just get messy.

You can understand that.

Yeah.

But if I ever have another job someday, I hope you'll ask me again.

Really? Mm-hmm.

So you're not saying no?

That's like a... a maybe.

You're saying maybe.

I'm saying maybe.

Can I tell my father?

That we--we might have a date someday?

Sure.

I think he'd like that.

Oh, my-- What is it?

Did you bring your mom's cell phone?

(Stottlemeyer) Hey, Monk.

I hope that's your costume.

I'm a safety patrol officer.

Good for you.

So what's so important?

(Disher) What'd they get this time?

Three Musketeers. Milky Way.

It's a pigeon.

Well, does he look familiar?

Does he look familiar?

Take a closer look.

At the m*rder scene, you kept shooing it away.

This is that same pigeon.

Monk, you've had a tough night.

Captain, this is the same pigeon.

I remember it had five little brown spots on its back because I remember thinking that it reminded me of the constellation Cassiopeia.

Look. You see it? Look.

Okay. Okay.

You see? Okay. It's the same pigeon.

So what? Remember?

It was eating something, from right near the victim's hand.

And now, five hours later... it's dead.

I think it's been poisoned.

You want me to do an autopsy on the pigeon.

Yeah.

Why? What would that mean?

I don't know.

But it would mean something.

It would be another piece of the puzzle.

Okey-dokey.

Give me the pigeon.

Lieutenant, get that to the lab.

[car starts]

Thanks. Happy Halloween.

He's not coming.

He'll be here.

Why would--why would he call and not show up?

Because that's what he does.

We're better off.

Don't say that.

[slams table] Don't say that!

We're better off!

Don't you say that.

Don't you dare say that.

Thought you said you didn't have any extra.

I don't care. It's my candy.

You know what your problem is?

You have never learned to wait.

Never!

What's going on?

What are you doing? Cleaning out his study.

Oh, God, it's so dusty.

Is it?

Mr. Monk.

[cell phone rings]

Hello.

Yes, sir. Mr. Monk.

It's--it's the captain.

Hello!

(Stottlemeyer) You were right about the pigeon.

The bird was poisoned.

I had them go back and do a tox scan on the armored car driver.

Turns out he had been poisoned too before he was shot.

The poison was called... Tetrachlorodrine.

Tetrachlorodrine. Very deadly.

Stronger than arsenic.

It's stronger than arsenic.

It came straight from the lab.

It hadn't even been diluted yet.

And get this.

We just talked to the plant manager here.

Turns out some of the stuff had been stolen.

They didn't realize it until today

'cause they caught the guy trying to put it back.

Wait. Wait. He was putting it back?

Yeah, they had to let him go.

He denied anything and they didn't have any evidence.

The guy's name is... Gilstrap.

Gilstrap.

He worked here part time fixing computers.

Gilstrap?

Paul Gilstrap?

Ambrose!

Ambrose, don't eat the candy!

I paid for it.

No, spit it out. Spit it out.

It could be poisoned? What?

That's what this whole thing has been about.

It's been spiked with Tetrachlorodrine.

Is there a Neptune Bar in here?

Not anymore there isn't.

Oh, my God! Natalie, call 9-1-1.

My God!

Thought it tasted funny. Tetrachlorodrine?

The guy down the street was trying to k*ll his wife.

It's too late.

Don't say that. Don't say that.

Just get up. Get up now.

Natalie, help me. Adrian. Adrian.

Tetrachlorodrine is a synthetic insecticide.

Natalie, help me! There is no antidote.

I'll be dead in five minutes.

[alarm]

Adrian.

I'm right here. I'm right here.

Tell me who did this.

Ssh. It doesn't matter.

It matters to me.

I don't want to die without knowing.

Ssh. Tell me, Adrian.

Okay.

Here's what happened...

His name is Paul Gilstrap.

He wanted to k*ll his wife.

He worked in a laboratory where they made tetrachlorodrine.

A few days ago, he snuck in there and he stole some of it.

I met his wife when I went trick-or-treating with Julie.

And she said that she ate a Neptune Bar every night before bed.

(Ambrose) Oh.

(Monk) Gilstrap poisoned her candy.

But he couldn't poison just one.

He wanted to make it look like there was a serial k*ller on the loose, so he had to poison a lot of other candy bars.

Put them back into circulation.

So his wife would just be another victim.

That's right. It's a good plan.

(Adrian) But he made a mistake.

He got caught trying to put the poison back.

(Ambrose) Ruined everything.

(Adrian) That's right. It ruined everything.

Because now if his wife or anyone else died from tetrachlorodrine, they'd know it was him.

So he was desperate.

He had to get all of the poisoned candy bars out of circulation.

He found them all except for two.

(Ambrose) Right.

(Adrian) The armored car driver had one.

He had already taken a bite.

If the driver dropped dead like that, there'd be an autopsy.

Gilstrap had to think fast.

He grabbed the driver's g*n and shot him repeatedly.

Who would bother looking for poison in a guy who had been shot five times?

Which left just one candy bar.

The one I ate.

That's right.

He's been trying to get it back all night.

[alarm]

How much further? 20 blocks.

Adrian, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

What are you talking about?

Dad.

Oh, no.

I drove him away. No.

He couldn't stand me.

He couldn't stand me, Adrian.

It was my fault. No, I'm sorry.

It was me.

You're a good brother, Adrian.

I love you.

I love you. Don't cry, Adrian.

Be strong now.

That another Neptune Bar?

Where's the wrapper from the one he ate?

It's right here.

What? What?

This one expired 11 months ago.

That must be the candy bar left over from last year.

From last Halloween?

That's why it tasted funny.

That's why it tasted funny.

So this--this is the-- this is the poison.

That's why it tasted funny.

[laughter]

That's why it tasted funny!

[laughter]

This is the--

This is the one with poison.

[laughs]

I had a stomachache.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Everyone got so upset.

(Disher) Paul Gilstrap.

(Stottlemeyer) Boo.

You missed one.

Ambrose, about our date.

Is Friday okay?

No, Natalie. That's okay.

You--you don't have to. You thought I was dying.

I'll be here Friday.

Hey, look. There's a note.

"Stopped by. Nobody home.

"Can't blame you. I wouldn't wait for me either.

"Dad.

"P.S.

Ambrose, I'm proud of you for getting out of the house."

He said he was proud of me?

You think he'll be back?

I don't know.

I think he'll be back.

Maybe we should, uh, go inside.

Let's go inside.

It's better... inside.

Excuse me.