03x12 - Mr. Monk Gets Cabin Fever

[bunniefuu]

That's Julie's dance studio right there.

She'll be out soon.

She has a big recital coming up...

Do you have a pliers?

What for?

That antenna is bent.

So what?

Well, I c-could straighten it out.

Just take a second.

No, it's none of our business. Forget about it.

Well, I happen to believe that all men are brothers.

Every man's bent antenna diminishes me.

What are you talking about?

I don't know.

Maybe he likes it like that.

You don't know. Maybe he did it himself.

He didn't bend his own antenna.

People don't like things bent.

People like things... Straight.

Nice and straight and even.

I'll tell you what people like, Mr. Monk.

People like people who mind their own business.

Every time I poke my nose someplace, I end up regretting it.

It's bad Karma.

I will be right back.

Stay here.

Stay.

Good boy.

[Sighs]

[Indistinct voices]

[g*nsh*t]

[Man shouting]

[g*nshots]

[Siren approaching]

[Randy Newman ragtime theme]

♪ It's a jungle out there

♪ disorder and confusion confusion everywhere ♪

♪ No one seems to care

♪ well, I do

♪ hey, who's in charge here?

♪ It's a jungle out there

♪ poison in the very air we breathe ♪

♪ You know what's in the water that you drink? ♪

♪ Well, I do, and it's a-ma-zing ♪

♪ People think I'm crazy 'cause I worry all the time ♪

♪ If you paid attention, you'd be worried too ♪

♪ You'd better pay attention or this world we love so much ♪

♪ Might just k*ll you

♪ I could be wrong now

♪ but I don't think so

♪ 'cause it's a jungle out there ♪

♪ It's a jungle out there ♪

(Monk) Why couldn't we stay in the city?

(Natalie) Because a man there wants you dead.

Right, I know.

I know.

Captain, please stay in the vehicle until we get to the cabin.

What are you afraid of, grooms, a sharpshooting raccoon with a high-powered r*fle?

This is not a joke, captain.

Tommy win has already had two other federal witnesses k*lled.

I know he has. That's why I'm here.

Ms. Teeger, please. Stay in the vehicle.

No.

All right, you can stretch your legs.

Just don't call any attention to yourself.

Good advice coming from a guy wearing a three-piece suit in the middle of the woods.

Where are we?

You're safe, that's where you are.

How long do we have to stay here?

Until the deposition on Monday.

Six days.

You're doing god's work.

We finally have Tommy win behind bars, and thanks to you, he's gonna stay there.

Six days, piece of cake.

Ohh.

What? Are you okay?

I should tell you, I'm afraid of... Places.

You're always someplace.

This is your own fault.

You should have stayed in the car.

Now we're in the middle of nowhere.

And my kid has to stay with my parents.

She's missing a whole week of school.

You got some drug lord with a price on your head.

Plus, you broke that guy's antenna.

I know you mean well, but you're bad Karma.

[Groaning] Bad Karma, yeah, bad, bad.

Look... are you thirsty?

Yes.

Uh...

Here. I got some water.

I brought two cases in the back.

I can only drink Sierra Springs.

What?

What is it, like some medical thing?

Yes.

Bought the wrong water.

All right, look. Make it fast.

Make it fast.

Hey, monk, now remember, as long as you're here, your name is Conway.

Frank Conway.

We made up an I.D. For you.

Wait... he doesn't look like me.

That's a picture of you.

It is?

[Country music playing]

Excuse me, do you carry Sierra Springs bottled water?

In the cooler. Help yourself.

All right.

You folks just passing through?

I'm... I'm a hunter.

I'm gonna do some hunting.

Season doesn't start for three months.

I know.

I like to get here early and get a good spot.

What are you gonna do, squat in the woods for 12 weeks?

Kathy...

What?

It's none of our business.

This gentleman isn't poking his nose into your life, is he?

He can ask me anything he likes.

I've got nothin' to hide.

Turn that up!

Martin hates country music.

He never lets me play it at home, right, darlin'?

That is why the good lord invented headphones.

Martin, I got those dipsy- diggitys you were asking about.

Oh, thank you much.

Yeah, the best bass lure in the whole world.

Yeah, every lure you buy is the best lure in the world.

Well, that's 'cause they keep improving them.

I'll take two.

One for the fish, and one for my lucky hat.

Okay, that'll be 22 even.

Mr. Conway, we have to go.

Mr. Conway.

Mr. Conway.

Mr. Conway.

Frank!

Frank!

Hello! Mr. Conway, we have to go!

Sorry.

[Muffled] I've been calling you for five minutes.

Then I should have answered you.

'Cause that is my name.

Frank Conway.

Thank you very much.

[Groans]

(Grooms) The bureau's been using this place for 30 years.

Remember that guy that testified against Marty Vincenzo?

He stayed here.

(Natalie) Wasn't he k*lled?

Not here, he wasn't.

Okay.

There's no signal up here.

All right.

Land line is for f.B.I. Use only.

No calls in or out.

As of this moment, we are closed off from the outside world.

Can we see the rest of it?

This is it.

But... We've all seen worse.

I actually don't think I have.

It's no picnic for me, either, but I suggest we all try to make the best of it.

Try to think of it like a little vacation.

Okay.

I can't do this.

I can't live... Like this.

I wanna go home.

If you go home now, you'll get shot in the head.

Shot in the head.

You're going to testify in open court against Tommy win on Monday, and you're going to stay in this cabin until you do.

I'm by the door.

Ms. Teeger, you have the bedroom.

Captain, you and monk take the bunk bed.

Top or bottom?

Ohh...

Uh...

Um...

Okay, I'll flip a coin.

Heads or tails?

Um...

[Dog barking]

Hey, monk...

Have a seat.

I'll sit when I get home.

Suit yourself.

Hey there, Mr. Conway.

You know, I could get used to this.

Yeah, it's nice.

You know what'd make it even nicer?

Hmm?

If we were someplace else.

Well, I'm gonna make the most of it.

Hey, guess what tomorrow is.

It's your birthday, of course.

Happy birthday to me.

What the hell happened to me, monk?

I was supposed to be the deputy commissioner by now.

I was the fair-haired boy, remember?

Youngest detective in the history of the department.

And now, I'm the guy that knows how to find you.

Look, captain, there isn't...

Forget about it.

Say, how's Natalie working out?

Oh, Natalie's great.

Please pick 'em up, pick 'em up.

I like her.

And I trust her.

I-I depend on her.

She'll probably be quitting soon.

[Chuckles]

Hey, uh, monk?

That's just dirt. You can throw it anywhere.

Oh, yeah.

Go ahead.

I really appreciate your coming out here.

All the way up here, especially on your birthday.

You didn't have to do this. Yes, I did.

I don't trust these guys, particularly not grooms.

You could have asked lieutenant disher, or...

I thought about that, but he has a big date.

Kid thinks he's in love.

Really? Yeah.

He's the one ought to be in protective custody.

[Kabuki music]

You were right. This place is great.

I used to come here with my grandfather.

We used to sit in that booth over there.

Well, I hope your grandfather wasn't thinking what I'm thinking right now.

Actually, my grandfather died last year.

It's just funny...

Every time I'm here, it's like he's with me.

Like I can feel him, his spirit.

Thank you very much.

Don't forget your cookies.

My favorite part.

I'm taking this one.

What does it say?

"True love has finally come your way."

No way. It does not say that.

It does not say that. Yes, it does. Look, read it.

Wow.

Maybe they know something.

Maybe they do. Here, here's mine.

"A friendly hand will save you from a dirty death."

Really?

Wow, that's weird.

So, what are you doing tomorrow night?

What are you doing in 20 minutes?

God, you like to move fast, don't you?

I wouldn't say that.

So what do you want to name our first child?

Okay, now you're scaring me.

Randy! [Horn]

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Whew!

Oh, god.

"A friendly hand."

"Dirty death."

[Snoring]

[Thunder]

Do you hear that?

Thunder.

I better pull the car around.

I already did, and I covered the boat.

What on earth would you do without me?

[Chuckles]

You mean what would I do first?

As soon as that insurance kicks in, I'd get me one of those new lebarons, fully loaded, with leather seats.

Hmm, sounds like you been thinking about it.

Only every waking minute.

Then I'd take me one of them cruises to Hawaii.

Yeah, yeah.

In your dreams.

[Country music plays]

Oh, turn that off.

You know I hate that crap.

Turn it off yourself.

Aah! Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah! Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Did you hear that?

Huh? Hear what?

Hyah! [Thud]

Monk...

My leg.

Untie my leg.

Monk...

Monk!

I don't know, after the last one.

Listen, I've been thinking about my grandfather all day.

I know it sounds crazy, but before he died, he said he would always look out for me.

What if he's communicating with me?

With us, through the cookie.

Or... what if it's just a coincidence?

Hayley...

I'm a cop.

I gotta wait till I see some real evidence.

Okay, lieutenant.

Let's check out exhibit "a."

"Follow your heart."

Yeah, that's kind of boring.

My turn.

"You will receive unexpected money from your uncle."

[Laughs] Sorry.

Looks like your grandpa's having an off day.

What do you mean?

I don't have any uncles. Two aunts, but no uncles.

Yeah, that's right.

You know him?

Yeah, we work together all the time.

See, that's me.

And, uh, that's me.

Is he really that smart?

I hear he's like Sherlock Holmes.

Yeah, well, you know, it's really a team effort.

I'd love to meet him.

I'll introduce you. Really?

Yes, but not right away because he's out of town.

Oh, is he working on some case?

Well, I'm not at Liberty to say.

It's confidential.

[Knock on door]

[Groans]

Hang on.

Randall disher?

Yeah. Certified letter.

Sign right here.

Great, thanks.

Oh, it's from the I.R.S.

Oh, you are in trouble now.

It's a check.

$2,400.

What? Yeah.

It's a refund.

Says that they've been miscalculating my taxes for the past six years?

Good old uncle Sam.

Good old uncle Sam?

(Stottlemeyer) She's carrying two packages, looks like ice.

She's been buying ice all day.

That makes 16 bags she's carried in so far.

Maybe she's having a party.

No food!

No beer, no chips. Just ice.

Maybe she's having an Adrian monk party.

The only other thing she bought today is a new radio.

What are you getting at?

Plus... i am positive I heard a man screaming at 1:15 last night.

That was me. You tied me foot to the bed.

I mean, before that.

It was definitely coming from that cabin.

Shh, shh, shh.

What? Hear that?

She said her husband didn't let her listen to country music in the house.

Maybe he's not home.

Well, where did he go? There's his boat.

They only have the one car.

No, I have been watching the house all day.

Captain... I have not seen him.

[Country music playing]

[Ringing]

It's ringing.

Well, agent grooms said no calls.

Agent grooms can kiss...

Hello! Oh, hello!

Mrs. Willowby.

Yes?

Uh, is Martin there?

My name's Darrell hendershot.

I'm a friend of Martin's.

We went to high school together.

We're having a big high school reunion.

Oh, I'm so sorry. He is on the lake, fishing.

Oh, okay.

Well, I'll try back then.

You do that.

Thank you very much.

She says... He's on the lake, fishing.

She k*lled him.

You've got to be kidding.

Can't I take you anywhere?

(Grooms) She's playing country music?

And buying ice?

That's right. About 20 bags.

Okay, I've seen this before.

You're cooped up for a long time, away from home, under a lot of stress.

You begin to imagine things.

I'm not imagining anything.

I heard him screaming.

Then their lights flickered.

And he hasn't been seen since.

It's not exactly a slam dunk, is it?

Well, it sure as hell is probable cause.

It's only thunder. It's only thunder.

It can't hurt you.

What do you want me to do?

Do your job. Call the sheriff.

If I call the local yokels, they're gonna wanna talk to monk.

I can't allow that.

What kind of cop are you?

I'm a cop who has his priorities straight, captain.

It's my job to protect that man.

What if he's wrong?

We'd be blowing his cover for nothing!

He is never wrong.

Maybe he heard something.

A scream, maybe the TV was on.

Well, why did she lie to me when I called her?

You... called her?

Yes, I called her! It was a local call.

It can't be traced.

Okay...

First thing in the morning, I'm gonna go into town and talk to the sheriff.

No, no, no, no, no.

Tomorrow's too late!

She could be getting rid of the evidence right now.

That's the best I can do.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna wash up and go to bed!

Monk...

I mean, are you really sure?

And don't give me any of that 95% crap.

Captain, I am 100% sure that she probably k*lled him.

What does that mean?

95%.

Okay.

[Handcuffs clicking]

Take your time.

[Clicking]

[Shouting] Be careful out there!

[Laughing]

[Thunder]

Which way, left or right?

Uh... Not you.

Um, left. I think the lake is that way.

[Grooms shouting and knocking]

(Natalie) When we get there, what's the plan?

He's not gonna be there.

I'm telling you, she k*lled him.

Can I say something?

I'm freaking out back here.

Why?

Everywhere you go, every time you turn around, somebody is k*lling somebody else.

That's true.

What?

There was the time you went on vacation, then on the airplane.

These things happen.

And then that stage play.

It happens. To you!

Not to me.

Not to anybody else.

It follows you around.

You're not just unlucky, it's... it's something else.

Bad Karma?

You're like a magnet.

Bad Karma.

It's like you're causing it somehow.

You're the prince of darkness.

No, no, he's not the prince of darkness.

I've seen him vacuum the ceiling.

You wouldn't see the prince of darkness vacuuming the ceiling.

I can picture the prince of darkness vacuuming the ceiling... To trick us.

He's very tricky.

Stop calling me the prince of darkness.

That's how rumors get started.

Uhh! Ohh!

Son of a bitch! What happened?

We're stuck.

Maybe you can back out.

I'm trying.

Maybe we can go forward.

We can't go forward. We're stuck.

Maybe we can back out.

Back... back out.

Open the door!

About two miles up ahead.

I'll stay here with Mr. Monk, and you go ahead and get help.

No, I can't leave him.

Technically, he is still in protective custody.

Well, maybe we should all go.

[Thunder]

Or we could just stay here.

What's this?

Oh... oh, it's your birthday cake!

We were gonna surprise you.

You ready?

Happy birthday, captain.

Thank you very much, Natalie.

This is probably the most depressing birthday I've ever had.

I've had worse.

Did you make a wish?

Yes, I did.

What was it?

Did it involve me?

Yes, it did.

Cake?

I'm almost scared to open this.

It's like a twilight zone episode.

First, I almost get run over, and then the check from the I.R.S.?

Do you believe me now?

I don't know what to think.

Look at me. I'm afraid of a cookie.

What does it say?

"An old friend is in danger. Only you can save him."

An old friend?

Monk?

[Telephone ringing]

[Disconnect tone]

The number you've dialed is not in service at this time.

[Beeping]

Listen, I, uh, I gotta go.

Can you get yourself home okay?

What's going on? I'll tell you later.

I promise.

I love you.

It worked. He actually fell for it.

Of course he did.

Now he's gonna lead us right to monk.

You visiting Tommy tonight?

Tell him to relax.

Adrian monk won't live to testify against him.

(Natalie) What do you think?

Are we lost?

Tell me, i... I have to know.

Are we lost?

We're not lost.

Oh, my god! We're lost!

Hey! Water.

Oh! Oh!

Water. Water.

Hang on, hang on.

What are you doing? Hey, don't, don't!

Don't drink that!

You don't wanna do that. You don't wanna drink that.

Ohh!

Mr. Monk, you have to take a sip.

No-o, no.

I'm not that thirsty. I'm not drinking that.

You have no idea what's in there.

Monk, don't you know what this is?

This is Sierra spring.

This is the water you drink all the time.

Wh-what?

Yeah, he's right.

I saw it on a map.

Which means the bottling plant is right over that hill!

Sierra Springs?

The one and only.

Only... it's free.

Oh! Uh...

It is!

It's Sierra Springs!

And it's free.

Son of a bitch.

Ahh!

Ah, I got nature.

There's nature on my hand here.

I need a wipe.

[Scoffs]

Wipe!

No, you can't clean nature with nature.

Listen.

[Car rushing by]

It's a car!

Car!

It's probably people.

Yeah, monk, it's probably people.

I'm gonna take a few more pictures.

I'll meet you guys back at the station.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Can I help you folks?

Yeah, our car broke down. We got a little lost.

Yeah, we got a little lost in the... Woods.

What happened here?

The guy who lived here got hit by lightning.

Guess when your number's up, your number's up.

What's your name, son?

Deputy Coby, I'm a homicide detective from San Francisco.

We're staying in a cabin across the lake.

Oh, the f.B.I. Cabin.

Yeah.

Yeah, we've been watching the woman that lives here, a Mrs. Willowby.

That's right. Kathy willowby.

They want to ask her a few questions.

It'll take just a minute.

Captain!

Hello?

Hello?

'Scuse me. He was k*lled in this boat?

That's right.

I don't know what he was doing out in the storm.

Must be pretty serious about his fishing.

Got an uncle like that.

That's where the lightning hit.

Uh-huh.

This rod is metal.

Why didn't the lightning hit the fishing rod first?

I don't know.

Here's the thing.

I heard him screaming for help.

Two nights ago.

That doesn't make sense.

The medical examiner was just here.

Put the time of death at midnight last night.

Is Mrs. Willowby here?

Have a little respect here.

My husband died last night.

I don't think so.

I think he died the night before.

I heard him screaming.

[Scoffs] You hea him?

They're staying at the f.B.I. Cabin.

Would you please stop calling it that?

(Mrs. Willowby) Talk to Dr. Culver. He was just here.

He can tell you that Martin died last night on the lake.

I told him not to go out in the rain.

The old fool.

Isn't that Martin's lucky fishing hat?

Why wasn't he wearing it?

I don't know.

He seemed pretty excited about his new lures.

I was there when he bought them.

I wonder why he didn't try them out.

I don't have to talk to you.

Do I?

I don't know, Kathy.

I think he's asking some mighty interesting questions.

Mrs. Willowby, did Martin have a life insurance policy?

Maybe.

Did it have a double indemnity clause, which pays double for an act of god?

A lot of policies do.

If you people think you've got something to prove, then prove it!

Otherwise, I want you to go.

[Knock on door]

Lieutenant. Thank god.

Randy, what are you doing here?

Captain, I think monk is in danger.

Okay, this sounds crazy.

But I've been getting these fortune cookies, and they've all been coming true.

Fortune cookies?

Yeah, today I got that one.

What, you got this today?

Yeah, at lunch.

I don't believe in any of this stuff, but that's the third one, and they've all been coming true.

Lieutenant, this is made by hand.

You see the edge? It's cut with a scissors.

Randy, did you just drive up here?

Yeah.

Get down!

[g*nshots]

Get away from the window!

How many?

At least two!

One behind the canoes.

Where's the other one? I don't know.

Who the hell are they?

Hit men from San Francisco!

They're here to k*ll monk! Good!

[g*nf*re continues]

Oh, my god. I've got it. Oh, my god. I've got it.

Here's what happened. Here's what happened.

We didn't meet by accident. She electrocuted her husband Tuesday night.

It was a setup from the very beginning.

Oh, I can see that now.

God, I'm such an idiot!

Maybe I believed them because I wanted to believe them.

All those fortunes were printed in advance, just for me!

(Natalie) That's why she bought those bags of ice.

My head is spinning. Who are you listening to?

Neither one.

She froze the body so the coroner would never know the real time of death!

The first fortune predicted that I'd be saved from a dirty death!

Which is exactly what happened when I left the restaurant...

Now I have to go back and arrest my girlfriend for conspiracy and attempted m*rder.

She'll probably break up with me.

F.b.i., freeze!

[g*nsh*t] Ohh!

Little vacation, huh?

Is it over?

Not for you.

I'm gonna order a full autopsy on Martin's body.

They'll know if it was lightning or electrocution.

So what the hell happened here?

She electrocuted her husband.

Well, looks like we all had a pretty full day.

Huh?

You guys solved the homicide, and I led those two hit men into our trap.

Yeah, that was...

Right, Randy.

Brilliant. Really good.

Thanks.

I get it now.

Get what?

It's not bad Karma.

People getting k*lled whenever he's around.

It's good Karma.

Because he's there to catch them and make it right.

It's a good thing, isn't it?

Yes, it is.

It's a good thing.

Come on. I'll buy you a wipe.