Joy of Sex (1984)

[bunniefuu]

"Today is the first dayof school.

Mom says senior year's magic' cause that's the year she met Dad.

I don't expect to meetthe man I'll marry or anything, but it'd be nice to be swept off my feet and consumed by passion."

♪ Some girls Get all the action ♪

♪ They like to get around They got a reputation ♪

♪ I'm on the outside

♪ I hear the things they say ♪

♪ I don't wanna talk about it ♪

♪ I don't wanna hear about it ♪

♪ I just wanna find out For myself ♪

♪ I want experience

♪ My own experience

♪ I want experience

♪ My own experience

♪ Most boys Are telling stories ♪

♪ About the things they do They want a reputation ♪

♪ Another notch On their belts tonight ♪

♪ That's all they're living for It's just a frustration ♪

♪ I don't wanna talk about it ♪

♪ I don't wanna hear about it ♪

♪ I just wanna find out For myself ♪

♪ I want experience ♪

♪ My own experience

Now don't be late to your first class.

I won't.

Meet me here at three.

Hi!

Hey, Melanie! How you doin'?

I'm so nervous!

Listen, you gotta get your own wheels, man.

You're not gonna snag any guys if your dad drives you to school every day.

That's all there is to it.

Shit! Shit, man!

-assh*le! -Drive much?

This is our senior year, Les, it's time to cultivate a new image.

I was just reading that preppiesare out and yuppies, Young Urban Professionals, are in.

-Maybe we should go on the pill.-Mm-hmm.

That's Douglas! Douglas Duldorf.

Les, there's Max!

Oh, what a species!

Oh, is that Hindenberg?

Check it out...

Mel, you don't even have-- I mean, did you remember to take your vitamins?

Can you imagine having to take the pill too?

Here, don't forget your retainer.

Thanks.

Bye, Daddy, you don't have to pick me up tonight.

You want some bubble gum?

Oh, yeah, thanks.

She made an appointment with the gyno, so I could get the pill.

At least your mom talks about it, mine just left a book about the birds and the bees on my bed.

She must be new.

I already hate her guts.

Yeah, there is something strange about that girl.

Girls! Girls, may I have your attention please?

Wow, you got it now!

-This is the male sex organ.

Gee, I thought it was a snow cone.

-Shut up!

Consider it the enemy!

Hey, man, it's not like you're unique.

Lotta guys our age haven't been laid.

Look, I gave her a couple of these and she r*ped me, right in the john, huh?

-That guy looks 14, Max.-He was probably hallucinating.

Everybody's gettin' it but me.

She's gotta be new. I couldn't have missed those.

Alan!

So, did you get laid this summer?

-Max! How do you fare, buddy? -Good, good.

Hey, Max, who's the shadow?

Oh, this is Farouk. He's stayingat my place this semester.

No shit! All right!

Gimme five, man!

All right, I give you five dollars.

No, no, no. "Give me five," that's a greeting.

Yeah, you see, it's like this.

I get you now, Max.

Go on, give to me, five.

You, you give to me five.

Very funny to be here in the United States.

Hi.

You catch the new principal?

I heard he used to run a military school.

A jarhead.

Looks more like a potatohead to me.

-Carp. -Hey, Max, how's it goin'?

-Good, Carp.-So, uh, you like America, huh?

Your run-of-the-mill VD is curable.

Herpes comes with a lifetime guarantee!

So just remember this.

You can eat all the apples you like, but sooner or later you're gonna bite the worm!

Virginity has its advantages.

Not for me. This is my last yearas a celibate.

I haven't forgotten what it's like... to be young and horny.

Just don't forget those aren't squirt g*ns you're packin', and you're not sh**t' blanks!

It only takes one shot to ruin your lives.

Not to mention the girl's.

If anyone ever did that to one of my girls, I'd...

I'd have his balls for lunch.

-Attention.

Attention, please!

Attention, the bell has rung.

This semester we'll be studying animal reproduction.

We will start with single cell organisms and we will progress through the animal kingdom focusing on the reproductivecycles of spirogyra, flatworms, -squids, cats and man. Maybe an older woman.

I'm sure you'll all share my breathless excitement as we strip away the mysteries surrounding the biological process of reproduction.

May I tell you, class, that in your enjoyment of this class, you will be limited only by your imagination.

-I sincerely believe... -Hi, I'm Liz...

...that in order to know biology... -Simpson.

...one must do biology. -What class is that for?

Let's embark on this adventure.

Let us begin our first laboratory experiment.

Uh, it's just sort of somethingI picked up.

Looks like it might be good.

Stephanie Graham and Mil Table, station one.

Jackie Freemanand John Bergdahl, station two.

Alan Holt and Leslie Hindenberg, station three.

Ah, beg me for more, you brazen wench.

Alan?

Alan Holt?

Yes, Alan Holt, you're at lab station three with Leslie Hindenberg, thank you.

-Hi. -Hi.

I'm sure you're all sharemy awe at the way a single cell can reproduce and reproduce, again and again.

-Like the Osmond family.

Even the most innocuous looking substances can be... well, they can be teeming with fertile microorganisms.

I will now come around to every couple and give you your very own bread molds.

Hey, it's lunch time!

Got any peanut butter moldto go with this?

Uh, salami mold, some lettuce mold?

Look who's comin'.

Alan, will you light my Bunsen burner?

I don't think I can handle it alone.

"Alan, would you light my Bunsen burner?"

Three times a dollar fifty is four-fifty, right?

-Mm-hmm. -Think they'll stay out later?

Jenny, did you put that in the washer?

It's my bra! She snitched my bra!

-It fits. -You wish.

Take it off, Jenny.

You'll get a training bra when you're thirteen.

I'm the only one in PE who still wears an undershirt.

I didn't get a bra till I was fourteen.

Nobody escorted me on my first babysitting job.

But your father drove by the house every hour.

Only to make sure no boys were hiding in the bushes.

If Dixie-D cup doesn't move it,we're gonna be late! Jenny!!

You don't have to shout.

-Whoa, there!

What about dinner?

I'm on a diet.

Sounds like anorexia to me.

Does your pitiful existence have to revolve around bugging me, twit-brain?

Mom! She called me a twit-brain.

There are better words in the dictionary, Leslie.

What kind of people are these Stonemans?

Who cares? We're spending the evening with their infant.

I'll call you every hour or so,make sure everything's A-OK!

Bye! Bye!

...because you never know if you'll take a blow.

It's so quiet when the girls are gone.

You'll get that 24-hour protection and comfort...

So, then she asked me to light her Bunsen burner.

-Is that a good sign? -Sounds hot to me.

What, are you waiting for a formal invitation?

Maybe bio's her bad subject or something.

My own brother, a sexual ret*rd.

All I think about all day is sex.

That's a good sign.

I look at everybody and I think:"They know what it's like."

I've got this huge black hole in my life, you know?

No.

Why aren't girls as horny as I am? It's just not fair.

What can I say?

Sex is a stacked deck and women hold all the cards.

Better get used to it.

Dinko.

'Bout time I put this g*dd*mn machine out of its misery.

Bad attitude.

Good arm.

Feelin' better, Sunshine?

I wish I was dead.

Well, Doctor Ranada's got just your prescription.

Look, I just tossed my cookies, okay?

I mean, enough is enough. Really!

She's a slow starter,but there's a tiger in her t*nk.

That guy wrote the book on how to strike out.

Bet he's been laid though.

Your time will come, think positive.

Now, what about your bio partner?

Leslie Hindenberg's my bio partner.

Coach Kong's daughter?

Hope she's not built like her old man.

-Oh, no, she's a fox! -Well, so, hit on her.

You're right. I like your nose where it is.

These are supposed to be the best years of my life.

Maybe if you went blonde, or something.

We'd still be stuck with the same geeky guys.

Wait a minute, Les, I see a ray of hope.

God, the man of my dreams is alive and well on KBBZ.

God, what a turn on.

...as he proved late last night when he rolled his wheelchair out of the VA hospital and onto the San Diego freeway on-ramp.

He's a little too "Ken doll" for me.

I mean, there's no pain or passion in his face.

He's too perfect.

Oh, I'm not above perfection.

Ted Vincent is my man.

You won't believe this, she's got a vibrator.

Good work, Les, she's on a roll.

-What's it for? -Curling your hair.

I wonder if Ted's into electronics?

Earth to Les!

Listen, I gotta go.The Gestapo's gonna be calling, -checking up on me. -OK, I'll catch you later.

Cancer?

It's no joke, Mel!

It looks exactly like a classic melanoma.

Have you forgotten your cold last spring?

You swore it was TB.

It was a severe case of strep, Mel.

And, besides, melanoma's different.

For starters, it's almost always fatal.

I haven't seen you in a long time.

How's your mother?

-She's fine. -Good.

Now, let me check the, uh... the area of the mole.

I'm only checking for raised areas.

Doesn't look like an ordinary mole does it?

Don't be an alarmist, Leslie.

I'm only checking for coloration.

Oh...

Looks pretty dark and sinister, huh?

Now, now, Leslie, although you're fair-skinned and prone to the ill-fated melanoma...

-this is only lentigo. -Huh?

Medical terminology for harmless spots.

Prone to melanoma?

Leslie, you're a very healthyyoung lady who worries too much.

You can get dressed now.

But if it would be reassuring, you could come back in a month and I'll check your entire body. Bye.

I told you not to buy plants at gas stations.

But she looked so healthy!

Maybe if I talk to her...

Talking can't save hernow, Bernice.

But she's not dead yet!

It's only a matter of time.

Granted, she's got a great pair of bulbs, but she's going to wither and die before the new year.

Are you all right, dear?

I guess not.

So, I says to Porter, if you ask me, the foreign kid's not playin' with a full deck.

Never knows what team he's on. Says we all look alike.

Dad, did I ever tell you how proud I am of you?

I mean, even though I complain about how embarrassing it is to be in the same school... everyone respects you so much.

I give it my best shot.

Leslie, your mother makes sure you get the four basic food groups, and you're trashing three of them.

Mom... it's so beautiful that every day you go to all this effort.

It's just that I've lost my appetite.

That's very sweet, Leslie.

Also, very suspicious.

Jennifer, you and I have certainly had our problems.

Would you feel better if I gave you my new silver bangles?

The ones I'm not allowed to breathe on?

Silver bangles aren't worth fighting over, no matter how expensive they are.

-I'll take them! -You're welcome.

I'll clear the table now.

Am I the only one who finds this creepy?

Your attention, please!

This administration is not amused...

-...by the attack on our very own Venus in the quad.

You like this shit, huh?

Mm, I like this shit very much.

In America it's considered the highest of compliments to say to your hostess after a good meal:

"Thank you for the shit."

How you-- how you say that?

Thank you for the shit.

Thank you for the shit.

Hello, Farouk.

Some girls go for the exotic type.

Yeah, Farouk, let us knowif she's a moaner or a screamer.

Hey, I had a screamer once. She shattered her own glasses.

Don't you talk about anything but sex?

What else is there, Ed?

That's a tough one, Pittman.

Don't pull a muscle working on it.

Just stopped by to warn you that you're Chairman of the Christmas Dance Committeethis year.

Tell me when you getthe committee put together.

Oh, feel free to resume your insightful discussion.

Mutant.

Yeah, another example of virgin brain rot.

Don't let that happen to you, okay?

How's it goin', Farouk?

Don't look now, but here comes the lady that gives new meaning to the word hard-on.

Uh, this is your lucky day.I saved this seat just for you.

Sit on it, pal! Hello, Alan.

Hi.

Say, uh... aren't you in my bio class?

I hadn't noticed.

Why don't you sit down, take a seat?

I'm bad but I don't bite.

I do! I definitely bite! Come on, Alan.

Hey, Alan, who's the guy with the bow tie?

...we've got funds for holidays,Hawaiian luaus, Vancouver cruises.

Oh, everybody calls him Mushroom Malone.

-Mm-hmm. Bet I can guess why.

Any student caught with a substance commonly known as Wacky Glue, will be subject to severe disciplinary action.

Score one for the Wacky Glue Phantom.

I can make you a great deal, you'll love it.

I'm not kidding, it's great stuff!

You'll love it.

It's all so unreal. I feel like I ought to do something.

There's nothing anybody can do now.

I'll just go on pretending nothing's happened.

Cram a lifetime into three months.

There's so much I wanna experience.

-You mean? -I always said I'd wait for the love of my life, but I guess I'll have to settle for...

...sex!

I gotta know if it's worth all the time we spend talking about it.

Bad news, my research says the first time's never the best.

Unless you go for someone really experienced.

It might be sweet if it was the first time for both of us.

It might be the pits. I've heardit's harder than it looks.

Yeah, really? Two dozen Shriners with rubbers?

Later, babe, I think I just sawa major league pair of yapo.

Let's go.

She's weird!

I hear they call you Mushroom. Got any?

Wanna speak up?They didn't hear you in Nevada.

I figured with a name like that you must be advertising.

Would you sit down? Only takesone narc to ruin your whole day.

Really?

Gnarly.

Doesn't this ever strike you as absurd?

What?

All these adolescents, desperate for human contact.

You mean horny?

Isolating themselves in their own little prisons on wheels.

Like a thousand lonely little worlds doing a mating relay down the highway of life.

Hey, catch that, tits and dr*gs.

Give me a break.

Max! I love you.

Pittman, you lunatic.

You know, you think too much, that's your problem.

You could use a problem like that, Max.

Leslie!

Fate is calling you, Les, and getting a busy signal.

Think Max, Leslie.

Oh, sometimes he gets this look in his eyes.

I mean, this is a man who knowswhere to find your G-spot.

Oh, Mel, I couldn't find my G-spot.

I kissed him once in the second grade.

Oh, he was hot even then.

He's not interested in me, Mel.

Well you gotta be gutsy, Les.

Just call him up and ask him out.

All he can say is: "No way, José."

Right, then I just die of embarrassment.

Like, what have you got to lose?

Hey, Max. -How you doin'?

"Is it too much to askfor someone dark and mysterious, who reads and would talk aboutlife all night by candle light?

I guess I'd better face reality, boys are so immature.

I'll get a diaphragm, settle for no-frills sex."

Well, why don't you take the floor, Farouk?

And I'll get the main dish.

Oh, she means it's your turn to talk.

Oh, uh...

I... I like United States, very much.

Uh, the people, very, very funny to meet me.

It's okay, sit down, Farouk.

I have spent all day preparing your favorite native dish, Farouk.

Stuffed beef heart.

I... You make me very funny to be here with you, in America, my new family in United States.

I want to say to you now, as my best friend, Max teach me to say... thank you, thank you very much for this shit!

They're all Wacky Glued, sir.

Damn t*rrorists. This means w*r, Earl.

No quarter given.

Salamahega... ...roba.

Aw, hell, is Farduke here?

He's always late!

It's Farouk, Coach. And it's prayer time in Mecca.

Listen up!

It took a long time to get funding for this new wrestling mat.

I want to see you treating it like your mom's best carpet.

Carpenter!

Hey, don't hurt him, Carp.

Get him, Carp.

First time I did it was on my mom's best carpet.

Left some rude rug burns on my knees.

A small price to pay. I'd do it on asphalt.

Oh, you like pain with your pleasure?

Hit on Hindenberg, she's the pleasure and he's the pain.

Leslie? I wouldn't kick her outof bed for eating crackers.

Holt!

Since you don't need to listen to this, why don't you demonstrate a take-down on Pittman?

But Coach, he outweighs me by a hundred pounds.

-This is ridiculous!

Easy, I don't wanna hurt you, Pittman.

Come on, you guys, this ain't no sock hop.

-Come on! Come on! Come on! -Want blood?

Get the leadout, come on now!

Shit!

Oh, wow man, I'm sorry about your face.

Get him off the mat! Get some towels!

Stop that bleeding!

It's too late, Coach, I think he's dead.

No, you idiot, my mat!

How about it, Max? Do I have the stuff to be a blue flamer?

Well, you got the gas, Carp.

Uh, how 'bout a car?

Well, Dad says I can have it back as soon as I pay for the paint job.

So, cough up the bucks, and then we'll talk.

Okay.

Alan, do you think your brothercould get me a job over at the Lorelei?

-Please? -I'll see what I can do.

I can hardly wait to see what happens when you meet... the fascinating flatworm.

Like the sea squirt, it can reproduce asexually.

Sometimes, the tail decides notto follow the head and presto!

The worm's torn in two. This is self-mutilation.

Each part then regenerates a whole worm.

Reproduction has taken place asexually.

Oh, here he is.

Eric March.

Eric March, this is your fourthtardy this week.

Please go to your lab station immediately.

Yeah, we be cutting some worms.

Violent effect, man, real New Wave.

Hey, yo, Hindenberg. Why don't you sit down and take a load off your mind?

-Damn it, Pittman!

Mr. Pittman!

Mr. Pittman, please.Please give me that... balloon.

You may now begin to mutilate your flatworms.

So, you're scoping out the new girl, eh?

Who?

The one with the X-rated bod.

No, I was talkin' to Sharon.

The guy's unconscious, she's all yours.

You snooze, you lose. Go.

So, what do you think of Nixon?

So far, it's mayo on white all the way, and I thought Cleveland was straight.

Try eatin' your lunch on the football field someday.

If the wind's blowin' just righthalf the town gets stoned.

How 'bout you, buddy, do you puff up?

No, that stuff kinda puts me to sleep.

Uh-huh, no puff-puff, huh?

You always look so spacey.

I guess I'm just naturally hard-- high.

Well, that's okay too, I guess.

Excuse me, people get stoned for doing something such as this?

It seems cruel and unusual punishment.

No, Farouk, getting stoned is like smoking pot.

-Grass? -Yeah.

Oh.

My dad was talking about you last night.

He said you're pro material.

Yeah, I have a good arm.

He says you really stand out, a real team leader.

He said that?

He treats me like pond scum

'cause I won't go out for football.

Oh, you've got it all wrong.

You remind him of him when he was younger.

He really likes you.

Could have fooled me.

So, I was thinking thatif you're not doing anything Friday night, maybe we could go out.

Yeah, that sounds okay, exceptthat my Trans-Am's in the shop.

That's OK, I'll pick you up in my vulva-- Volvo.

In that case, you're on.

Her vulva!

So, how'd you make out with Liz?

-I think she's a loadie. -So?

Just can't get the hang of these worms.

There's less resistance when they're semi-conscious.

We now return to... Sands of Time.

Why, Matt. This is a surprise. Can I get you a drink?

Max? Max, I need to talk to you, honey.

I am very concerned about Farouk.

-He's been slightly under the weather lately.

And... and I'm afraid he feels somehow different from the rest of you boys.

Face it, Mom, how many guys at Nixon pray during fourth period?

Well, as his AFS sponsor,I can't help feeling responsible for the way he'll remember the United States.

These are impressionshe will carry with him for life.

Perhaps you should ask him to join your bridge club.

I want you to take him with you tonight, Max.

I have a date tonight!

And I don't know about in Abu Dhabi, but in the good old USA, only two people at a time go on a date.

Farouk hasn't had one singledate since he's been here, Max.

Well, I can't imagine why. He's had more offers in three weeks than I've had in three years.

Please. Reach out, Max.

Oh, hello, you must be Leslie.

Hi, Mrs. Holt.

-Hi, Max. -Hi.

You mind if Farouk joins us?

In Abu Dhabi, women sit in ass of car.

Fascinating, Farouk.

Peaceful pastures.

Is this our destination?

Ah, yes, Peaceful Pastures. Max tell me all about this place.

It's where people come, park the car and make sneaky sex, no?

You might not believe this, but I come here a lot to meditate about life and death.

Could we talk about something else?

Um, in Abu Dhabi, we have a game.

It's called, uh, how you say... "Sit on the Bottle."

Farouk, isn't it prayer time in Abu Dhabi?

No, no, no, no, sun is down.

It's up in Abu Dhabi.

Oh, oh, okay, I get you now, Max.

I go pray.

I go pray the coach not find out.

I thought he'd never take the hint.

Let's not waste any more time.

Uh, Leslie, uh, this might notbe the time to mention it but...

Um...

Your father said that he would castrate anybody that laid a hand on you.

Oh, you know he didn't mean it.

Oh. Well, um, me and the guys, we weren't sure.

Max, we're all alone.

We may never pass this way again.

Let's not talk about Daddy.

Oh shit.

It's about time he goes for my bra.

Oh, my God, the hook's in the front.

He'll never figure this out.

Oh, God, now he thinks I do this for a living.

My hip bone is k*lling me.

OK, looks like he's gonna take the plunge.

Brace yourself for rapture.

Oh, Leslie! Oh no!

Oh, no, no, no!

I can't believe this, my dad is gonna k*ll me.

No, he's gonna k*ll me! Holy shit.

Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!

Come on, you're slowin' down, Holt!

I told him. Leslie Hindenberg is lethal nookie.

What a way to go.

Come on, Holt, up! Get on, move it, come on!

Cross over, come on, come on!

Even if I do get off restriction before I die, no guy will ever come near me again.

I think you're overreacting.

You didn't see my dad. We're talking Godzilla on PCP.

The Volvo is demo'd.

That's nothing compared to what he did to Max!

Okay, write off the guys at Nixon.

Who else do you know?

There's always Richard from Filmore.

You mean, Richard, Pittman's brother?

You guys broke up two years ago.

Only because I wouldn't let him get past second base.

Ha. I thought it was because he had the personality of a bobby-pin.

He wanted me desperately, Mel.

And he doesn't have my dad for PE.

Isn't that Liz?

God, who'd ever thoughther dad's a cop?

No wonder she's so wild.

Hi, girls!

You know what the estimate is?

Twelve hundred big ones.

But she's been so angelic this past month.

Doing the dishes without being asked.

She even offered to polish my spoon collection.

A graveyard.

What in the hell were they doingin a g*dd*mn graveyard?

They were teaching Farouk the American way of death, like she said.

Now, what would the three of them do?

I know what I'd do in a graveyard with you.

Oh, Lester.

Lester, she's been so, so good this past month.

I just, I just hate to... to ruin it.

You know? Take her off restriction.

Oh, Lester.

Oh, June...

You know when you do this to me,you always get your way.

"Young white male seeks bisexual white female twins with taste for parmesan cheese."

-Check it out.

Sometimes it's easier to do it with a stranger.

You're not suggesting I'm this desperate?

No. Just 'cause it's Date Night USA and you're spending it with your brother here at the Lorelei.

"Have uniform, will travel.

Experienced nurse seeks inexperienced male for hands-on training.

Call Inga at 555-5756."

Gimme my zombie.

Eight hours in this hell hole for five dollars and sixty-three cents.

Cheer up, Sunshine, didn't Ranada say something about a raise?

Oh, that slimy cheesebag, he wants to talk it over in a room.

Man, he tries anything, I mace his face.

Look at it this way, at leastthe nurse would be enthusiastic.

Hello.

Hello, may I please speak to Inga?

Jah, this is Inga Borg.

Uh, yeah, I'm calling about your ad in the....

Jah, sure. What is your name? How old are you?

And, uh, do you have any infectious diseases?

Uh, my name is Alan.

I'll be 18 in June and I don't have herpes.

Uh, tonight is available, can you get a room?

Not now, Gunnar.

Uh...

Just come to lounge at the Lorelei and ask the bartender for the room number.

Goodbye.

So, how does one go about getting a room?

Gimme a sh**t.

You know, I spent an hour in the john in 319, and it's still backed up!

I have had enoughof this roach motel for one day.

Three nineteen is yours. Get the master key from Carp.

Where's he now?

Does that answer your question?

I wonder what's keeping Inga.

I'll go see if the coast is clear, okay?

Good evening, Mr. Ranada.

Is everything under control, Carpenter?

It's all hunky-dory, sir. Except for the toilet.

I wouldn't go in there if I were you!

-Carpenter!-Sir, I can explain everything.

I see you been talkin' to Sunshine.

I really dig the bubbly, nice touch, kid.

I aim to please, sir.

TV workin'?

Shit-sape, sir. I mean, ship-sate!

Whatever, Carpenter, whatever.

When you see Sunshine, tell her Mr. Goodbar is waitin' on her.

OK, pronto, sir. Have a swell evening, now.

Let it beat and let it bleed.

I don't believe it.

♪ I'm a sentimental kinda guy

♪ Kinda timid Even a little shy ♪

-Oh, God.

You're early, my little raisinette.

Oh, no, I always come on time.

Jesus.

If only all women could say the same.

You dressed up for Doctor Ranada, I like that.

You sound older than you did on the phone.

Sunshine?

Alan?

What the hell.

Prick.

You want something else, Sunshine?

On the house, of course.

Okay, hit me.

I have not had so much fun, since Ranada broke his pinky in the cash register.

Too bad it wasn't his schlong.

Jah!

You respond well to discipline.

Don't panic!

Do it more, you bitch.

God.

No! No! Oh, jah!

-Are you all right?

God damn you, Carpenter.

The male squid swims frantically searching for a female to mate with.

The story of my life.

Then the squid slips one of his long, supple tentacles deep inside his own mantle, and withdraws several gelatinous packages of sperm.

Commonly known as jerking off.

"He then thrusts his sperm deepinto the female's body cavity."

Mmm, how romantic.

What happened to foreplay?

The finale of this oceanic orgy.Yes, class, unfortunately, all the squid expire.

Hey, Max, sounds like you and Hindenberg.

Lights.

Mr. Pittman.

Simply breathtaking, gave me goose pimples.

Almost makes you wanna be a squid.

All right, class, let's get to our lab stations.

Hey, Liz, where's your retainer?

Shut up, kid!

Max, Pittman says the Blue Flamers are having their meeting at the drive-in this weekend.

So?

Well, I paid off the paint job.I can get my dad's car!

Well, we'll take that into consideration, Carp, whenever we discuss membership.

All right, class, today you'll start dissecting your very own squid.

After removing its mantle, be sure to determine its sex.

And class, please be very careful with the gonads.

They're quite delicate.

You actually ate one of those?

Ah, squid. It's very good with ink.

I'll try anything, once.

Anything? I'll take you up on that this weekend.

You mean, like go out or somethin'?

Well, I was thinking about it.

There's something I'd like to talk to you about, alone.

It may be important. It's very important.

It's more important than you think.

-Friday night okay? -Perfect.

Hello?

Hello, may I please speak to Richard?

Just a minute, dear.

Les?

Hello, Richard?

Hi, this is Leslie Hindenberg.

Yeah, long time no see.

The reason I'm calling is...

I got to thinkin' about how muchfun we used to have together.

And I thought maybe you'd like to get together, you know, for old times' sake. Like maybe this weekend?

Oh, I think we have lots to talk about, you know?

-I've matured a lot, Richard.

Sure, I'll return your Van Halen records.

Okay, great. I'll see you then.

-Bye. -Talk about hard up!

Isn't he the one with the personality of a bobby-pin?

I've changed, Jennifer, I'm sure he has too.

Now, get out of here. Out, out, out!

Fine!

Michael, the girls in the Flower brothel won't disappoint you.

The car!

Is there something wrong?

Afraid so, Alan. I have something I have to tell you.

It's Mushroom Malone, isn't it?

No, it's worse than Mushroom.

-Is something wrong? -Just... hold me, Richard.

Leslie, uh....

You used to love it when I... kissed your neck, remember?

And I remember when you used to kiss my ears.

It drove me crazy.

Ow!

When did you pierce your ears?

Hey, fasten your seatbelts, Flamers!

I had Brussels sprouts, baked beans, -and date bars for dinner.

I hadSwedish meatballs, lentil loaf, marinated artichokes, bon-bons with prune whip!

Max, tell me now. What is this Blue Flamers?

I'm not who you think I am. There's a lot you don't know about me, a great deal, very much.

Why pry? I know all I need to know.

No, you don't know.

-I do know. -You may not wanna know.

What could I possible know that would make me know you better than I know you now?

Alan, I'm a narc. Police Officer.

When I finish my assignment at Nixon, Mushroom and 36 others are gonna be busted on Monday, and I'll be starting over againsomewhere else.

Another high school,another district, another town.

That's what it means to be a narc.

You're the only one I'm gonna miss when I'm gone, Alan.

Those pill heads and pot heads deserve what they get.

A one-way ticket to the slammer.

Is anybody gonna know that it was me?

Not unless you tell 'em.

Oh, no chance in hell. I can keep a secret.

I knew I could trust you, Alan.

And I had to tell you because, well, even though I'm 30 and you're 17, I'm really attracted to you, Alan.

Of course, having sex with a minor could get me off the force and I have my career to consider.

But honestly, Alan, I get all hot and weak when I'm kissing you.

Let's not talk about wasted youth, Alan.

Kiss me again and I'll throw this badge out the window and live for the now.

Um, Liz, that is your name, isn't it?

It's Kathy. Reagan, no relation.

I think I just wanna go home.

Anybody got a light? Light, light.

To the eternal blue flame.

To the eternal blue flame.

To the eternal blue flame.

Max, Max!

Elmer, let's go. I'm doin' it.

Wait, wait, I think I've got one.

Oh, shit!

It's probably a little poop!

Yeah a little poo, yeah!

Oh, my God. Look at that!

Huh? Ah...

He's on fire!

Jerks.

You're sick! You guys are sick!

I really wanna make it up to you.

Leslie, you don't have to do that.

But I want to, Richard. I want you.

I want... I wanna let you do everything I wouldn't let you do before.

Everything!

Leslie! Leslie, I'm...

I'm involved with somebody else,right now.

I don't care if you marry her,Richard, I just wanna have you once.

Leslie, I can't!

Yes, you can, Richard.

Remember how you used to always want me to...

What are you doing?Leslie, he wouldn't understand!

He?

Yeah, man, I feel mother lode settin' in.

I'm with you, I'm with you.

Decent.

"What's wrong with me, anyway? I never break out.

I use a deodorant.

People say I have a cute personality.

But my sex appeal's enough to turn my old boyfriend off women.

I'm trying to be an easy lay. Doesn't that count anymore?"

Get in there!

Pittman, get your ass up here!

Don't take it personally, Les.

According to my mom, a lot of guys these days can't get it up and get it in.

For years, my dad's been telling me teenage boys want just one thing.

I always thought he meant girls.

Hey, Sharon, Miss Bismark says everyone suits up, even if you are menstruating.

I hate that word.

My mom always says:"Is Aunt Tilly coming to visit?"

--Mine just calls it "the curse."

Girls.

Wanna catch pneumonia?

Is it my imagination, or is Sharon Mondo pregnant?

You don't know that for sure.

Oh, yeah. Maybe it's just a tumor.

Not funny, Mel.

I wonder who the daddy is.

Moby d*ck!

Give it a rest, Pittman!

That does it, Pittman! We're gonna see Porter right now!

OK, this is it! D-Day.

All right, but listen now.I want you to remember your radio mic.

You got guys sittin' in a van about two blocks from here, if you get in any kind of trouble.

Sharon, what's going on?

Oh, I'm leaving school.

Potatohead acted like I was contagious.

I said: "Look buddy, there's no way you're gonna catch what I've got."

You're kicked out?- He said school policy.

Can transfer to night school. I said: "What about my job at the med center?"

-He said, take it like a man.

That's not fair, ruin your whole life!

Who's talking fair? We're in high school.

Correction, I was in high school.

-So, uh, who's the father? -Just a guy.

He said: "I can't deal with this."

I said: "That's cool with me."

Sharon, you don't have to tell me this if it'’s too personal, but is it any good the first time?

It wasn't great, but we did it again and it got better.

Really? Wow.

Do you really want this baby?

Well, part of me says: "What a drag."

Another part says: "You're a big girl, Sharon, you can handle this." And besides, then I'll have someone to talk to.

God.

I just wish the father would call once in a while.

I'll probably never see him now that I'm out of here.

-You're not out of here yet!

What do you mean?

"I've been very selfish.

I've been thinking sex was more important than anything.

I want to leave my mark in thisworld and it must be more than a wet spot in somebody's backseat."

Definitely the work of a genius. But is it art?

Smells like Wacky Glue to me.

Holy Jesus.

Certainly, Sharon has a constitutional right to graduate, but she can do that at night school as I told her.

But, she's not a threat to anybody else's education.

High school is not a democracy, Leslie!

Think of it as the Marines.

Would the Russians take us seriously if we let the non-coms call the sh*ts? Hell no!

First they'd... they'd laugh their heads off.

And then, they'd air-mail the big one.

I don't wanna start a w*r, Mr. Porter.

I'd just like to see Sharon graduate with the rest of us.

But you bend over to accommodate one individual, and the next thing you know,you can't sit down for a month!

You know what's going on out there?

No, I don't know.

OK.

Tears of joy streamed from little Tammy Larson's one eye, the other day, when Santa Claus paid an early visit to her hospital bed.

Potatohead has no principles, just regulations.

Hold it, Les.

The love of my life is speaking to me.

The twinkle in Santa's eye will be just a memory for Tammy.

So, there's a man with principles.

You can see it in his eyes.

...may save her sight.

The Larsons, however, have already exhausted...

Are you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?

The lights will get dimmer and dimmer for tiny Tammy until the final blackout, unless-- unless you and I...

I knew you'd understand, Mr. Vincent.

It's a tragic story that needs to be heard.

Me?

I'm a highly placed person at Nixon, you can just think of me as Deep Throat.

Meet you in person?

At the Lorelei? All right.

Goodbye, Mr. Vincent.

Ted.

Did you hear that? He said: "Just call me Ted!"

Oh, my God! I'm so happy for you, I could k*ll you!

Oh, God. What am I going to wear?

Think sophisticated, Les.

If he finds out "highly placed"means a senior at Nixon, he'll never lay a hand on you.

You think I could pull it off?

Let him do that.

Leslie, I ache for that girl.

But these days,it takes a f*cking quadriplegic to wring those tear ducts in TV-land.

But even though she's not a quad, if you'd seen her cleaning out her locker, cleaning out her dreams. It would break your heart.

Hey, relax, huh? Relax.

Let's not start a downer here.

Come on.

Just relax, surrenderto your shoulder blades, Leslie.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

Yeah, really.

Esalen taught me to feel, Leslie.

Now, I suck up life like a new born baby.

When I make love, and I make love, Leslie, I don't screw anymore, I go all the way to infinity.

I think you and I could find infinity, maybe three or four times tonight.

Excuse me a minute, I have to use the bathroom.

Hey, I'll order champagne for blast-off.

That would be wonderful.

Hey, Mr. Dinko, we ain't runnin'a day care center here.

But boss, he's my kid--

It's okay! Maybe the Sheraton'sa better place for the Christmas Ball.

Whoa, whoa! Why didn't you tell me this was a business call?

-Here, give the kid a drink. -Hey, 'bout time, Carp.

302 needs a bottle of champagne.

It's halfway there. -No, it's right here.

What kind of budget you workin' with?

Wow, Ted Vincent!

There you are, kid.

-Thanks, sir. -Hey!

-Thanks. -Sorry.

You know, Leslie... people like that patheticbellboy think I have everything.

Nobody sees the heartache that goes with being so handsome and famous.

"Hold the diaphragm down, and press the opposite sides of the rim together between the thumb and third finger."

Boy, this one's a mother.

Come on, Les, millions of women do this every day.

I'll bet you do everything with a savage intensity.

I know I do.

What are you doing so intensely in there?

Just have a check in by the fifteenth.

And don't worry about the food, our meatballs are the talk of the town.

Especially at poison control.

You found the way to his heart, kid.

-Where's Carp? -I know where he is.

Follow me.

Oh, shit.

He's in here.

Jeez, I gotta fix this bastard.

Carp? Come out, come out, where ever you are.

I think he's in the back.

You can't really hear anything back there.

Carp?

Ah, at last.

I thought maybe you fell in.

Ambrosia?

Thank you.

Climb aboard the magic carpet.

Can we turn down the lights?

I just want to make it... special, you know, romantic.

You're here, Leslie, that's makes you special.

And I'm a special guy.

I was hoping it would meanas much to you as it does to me.

It does, it means a lot to me.

I cancelled a bunny for you.

But let's not talk about me.

Listen, don't be so uptight, kid.

You got nothin' to worry about.

I simply want you to relax, lay back and enjoy.

Just let old Roberta take complete charge here.

Do I have a choice?

Now, the first thing we're gonna do is drop the drawers.

That's okay.

You gotta peel the banana before you can eat it.

You don't mess around, do you?

I take my men like I take my liquor, straight and hard.

Come on, come on.

Hey now, just wait a second here.

Nothing personal, precious, but I've seen the heartache of herpes.

I can't, this is all wrong.I don't even know why I'm here.

I thought you wanted to help Sharon.

I do, but not like this.

Now, look.You do for me and I do for you.

That's what good sex is all about.

Oh, please, don't. I really never thought it would come to this.

Baby, you haven't seen anything yet.

I'm gonna take you to Mars!

I'm 17-years-old, Mr. Vincent, and you can take it to Uranus!

You're 17?

And even if I never turn 18, I'm gonna get Sharon back in school, with or without your help!

Hey, now, look, there's no need to panic.

You know, I'm dying to do that story on your friend.

Pregnant teenager, no future. Wow! What a hook!

Do you think I can get some air in here?

Sheesh, you really know how to k*ll a mood, kid.

Like I said, don't do much for the atmosphere.

That's okay, kid!

Whenever you're ready, you know where to find me.

You're just too much woman, Roberta.

You're just too hot to handle.

Hi, tiger. Listen, sweetie, I'm over here at the Lorelei and I'm holding a ticket to paradise.

Can you meet me in 45 minutes?

Ciao.

Yeah!

Alan, what are you doing here?

Uh, just lookin' for the Carp.

He's never around when you need him.

What are you doin' here?

Um, my Aunt Tilly's coming to visit.

She's a cleanliness fanatic.I was checking the rooms.

Yeah, I guess so. Hey, you want me to walk you to your car?

You never know who's gonna jump you in a place like this.

Well, it seems that Mr. Bones iscaught up in the holiday spirit.

Highly amusing.

Stuck on you with Wacky Glue, Miss Post.

Leave him alone, he's blind.

So much for Mr. Bones' humerus.

The old man got himself pretty dead, eh, Max?

That might have been a critical call and now we'll never know.

I've obtained a delightful filmon the reproductive system of the horny toad.

Please be advised that this material will be covered in Friday's quiz.

Now that we've all had our fun,perhaps someone other than I might hoist the projector into place.

Please, Ed help me, now.

Ready to roll when you are, Ms. Post.

Pay close attention when the male mounts the female's back.

At his touch she releases thousands of eggs, as they come tumbling out of herhe spews sperm all over them.

I think that you'll agreewith me that in some ways theircourtship is almost elegant.

Oh, my... no, no, no, no! I know this isn't right.

I ordered A Tale of Two Toads.

I've seen this one before at my cousin's stag party.

You're an animal!

You, you people, you're all animals!

You're a disgrace to evolution!

Oh, Mr. Porter, I just can't take it anymore.

I just can't take it! I wanna go back to pre-school where sex is a three-letter wordthat nobody understands!

Easy, Ms. Post! Get a grip on yourself!

Earl, you'd better check it out.

Yes, sir.

It was horrible! It was horrible!

I mean,I know it's a natural function, birds do it, bees do it, everybody does it, but it's all they think about! It's all I think about.

Come on! Snap out of it, Ms. Post!

Come on! Heads up! Heads up!

Shoulders back! Suck in that gut!

Yes, sir.

'Cause you've got to stop behaving like a woman!

In this outfit, you are an officer! You got that?

Oh, yes, sir.

Well, pull it together! Take that hill.

Thank you, sir. I'll do my best, sir.

Yes.

Women!

Our school system.

It's designed to make productive citizens, of our youth.

Or is it?

Did I miss anything?

Shh, Ted Vincent's on, honey.

Sharon attends classes at the med center.

She is intelligent, she is ambitious, she is also pregnant. And there's the rub.

It seems that the school system would rather see Sharon on the welfare role, than attending classes at Nixon.

Does the school system care that this destroys her dreams of a career in health services?

But Sharon's classmates do. Meet the people responsible

-for bringing this to our attention. -There she is.

Leslie Hindenberg and Melanie Taylor.

Miss Hindenberg, Community Close-up would like to know why, in this age of apathy, you cared enough to get involved?

I saw a wrong and tried to right it.

We hate all injustice.

Weren't you worried that your actions might label you as a little trouble maker?

It just didn't seem important.

I think what Miss Hindenberg is trying to say is that she had the compassion to put her own future on the line for her friend.

Not many of us would be so unselfish.

Not many of us have only six weeks to live.

Leslie wants to use her final days

-to do something for mankind. -Melanie!

We'll be right back with more on this inspirational story, live and exclusively onCommunity Close-up.

We'll be right back with more news after a word from our sponsor.

That's just the question I was going to ask you!

What's wrong with your daughter?

How the hell should I know? You're the doctor!

It's a harmless mole, she's not going die.

She's not?

No, and I did not tell her she was going to die.

-You didn't? -No, Leslie's fine. Goodnight.

Somebody's got some explaining to do!

I knew it was too good to be true.

But I overheard Dr. Fox say--

It's only a mole, damn it!

They're rarely fatal, honey.

Wait till everyone at school finds out.

If you tell anyone I'm gonna live, I'll k*ll you.

Hey, Hinden-- Leslie. Give me five, buddy.

Hey, you did good, you know. I'm real proud of you.

Thanks. I'm sure you'd've done the same thing.

Hell, no, I'd probably be too busy tryin' to get laid or something.

Hey, Leslie, Leslie. I was just thinkin'

I'm really gonna miss that look on your face, you know, when you get really pissed-off.

Thanks, Tim, but the doctor says I might be in remission.

Miss Hindenberg? My deepest sympathy.

And may it ease your mind to know that Sharon will be coming back.

That's great.

No prints, sir.

Nice fish.

No, Max.

Mr. Holt!

Oh, you're a real comedian, aren't you, son?

I like to laugh, if that's what you mean.

All right, son. If that's the way you wanna play it.

You just remember that I've got you under surveillance.

Sooner or later, you're gonna step into your own glue, and it'll be my turn to laugh!

Ha, ha!

No lie, Allison, she never was gonna die.

That's what her little sister told my little sister.

Hi, Candy. Thanks for the card.

Hold onto it. Someday you might even die for real.

Some people will do anything for attention.

-Hi, Les. -Hi.

I can't believe what you did, telling everybody you were dying.

I mean, everybody was saying: "What a geek."

I said: "There goes a true friend."

Well, well, well, if it isn't the girl who would not die.

In Abu Dhabi, nobody die. You just come back in a different body.

Yeah, Hindenberg, next time come back with a boob-job.

Now class, today we climax our adventure with a look at human reproduction.

Unlike the promiscuous alley cat, humans may mate for love.

In the process of careful selection, humans can increase the odds of passing on desirable genes.

Like big tits!

Thank you, Mr. Pittman.

For instance, can you do this?

You'll find that some of you can touch the tip or your nose with your tongue and some of yousimply cannot.

I can. Why don't you try, and then look around and graph the results.

Go ahead. Try it.

Hey, Leslie, glad to see you're still around to pass your genes onto some little Hindenberger.

Thank you, Mr. Pittman.

"It's all I can do to get out of bed and live through another day.

When they started laughing, part of me died.

All I can do is pretend I don't care, and move to outer Mongolia when I graduate."

I can't stand the silent treatment.

Yell at me if you want, but say something.

Too late to kiss up now, rat face.

As far as I'm concerned, I'm now an only child.

Mom's really worried about you.

She and Dad are talkin' about shrinks.

Unnecessary.

Tomorrow night's the Christmas Ball.

Ask me if I care.

But Leslie, you were doing a lot more living when you thought you were dying.

Now that you're living, you act like you're dead.

That's so heavy,I don't know if I can grasp it.

I thought high school's supposedto be the neatest time time in a girl's life.

Whatever gave you that idea?

I can't believe what my mother had the gall to serve for dinner last night.

Roast lamb's head marinated in olive oil.

I almost puked. Farouk, he loved it.

What smut are you reading now?

Whoa, we're talkin' serious desperation, here, Alan.

Can I see it when you're finished? I sure could use it.

Ha, ha, don't make me laugh.

No, no, really! Guess how many times I've scored this year.

No thanks, it'll only depress me.

Zero. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Nil and void.

Farouk moved in and my social life moved out.

I can't go anywhere alone, now.

Except for the john, and even that's not safe.

The guy doesn't knock.

I'm gonna die a virgin, Max.

I'm lookin' forward to fiftyyears plus of today's celibacy.

♪ Last night I thought About you and me ♪

♪ And about that shiny little Engagement ring ♪

♪ You never call me And it's making me cry ♪

♪ You never call me And I wanna die ♪

♪ But then this morning When I checked the mail ♪

♪ Just one more ad About the evening sale ♪

♪ Just breaks my heart 'Cause you did not Send a letter ♪

♪ My friends are sayin': "Boy, better just forget her" ♪

♪ 'Cause you never Hey, Hindenberg, you're lookinga little pasty there aren't you?

Say, uh, you're not gonna croak on us again, are you?

♪ You never call me On the telephone ♪

♪ You never call me And I'm so alone ♪

♪ Maybe someday I'll get you back again ♪

♪ There ain't no tellin' When I might be a winner ♪

♪ Maybe someday I'll make you understand ♪

♪ You can't ever live Without me ♪

♪ No, I play guitar And I sing in a band ♪

♪ There ain't no reason Why you shouldn't like me ♪

♪ Last time I saw you You were walkin' hand in hand ♪

♪ With some other guy That I'd never seen before ♪

♪ And you never ♪

♪ You never call me

♪ You never call me On the telephone ♪

♪ You never call me And I'm so alone ♪

♪ I took you dancing On your birthday in Harlem ♪

♪ And I don't like dancing But I knew you would ♪

♪ You left me standing By the disco... ♪ They make 'em that big in Abu Dhabi?

Breath test patrol, can youtouch your finger to your nose?

Cool it, Mel, you wanna get us busted?

Bribe me, I'm easy.

I feel so happy, Max. That give me good head.

Yeah, if only it could.

The only thing I need to make this party just perfect, is a beautiful woman to love me.

Yeah, I can relate.

They're not hard to find if you look, Max.

She may be just a step away, just waiting for you to ask her to dance.

♪ You never call me

♪ You never call me On the telephone ♪

♪ You never call me

♪ You never never never Hi, Leslie. Lookin' good.

Want some punch?

Carp, you got meat sauce in it.

I'm sorry.

OK, here we go.

That's good.

Okay.

-Carp? -Yeah.

How you doin'?

Oh, I'm doin' great. Have a good day.

-You wanna dance? -Sure.

Even trade, Carp.Two of these babies for a room.

Those? Um, red pills give me hives.

-Aren't you on probation? -That's the point, man!

I can't party in public these days.

Hey, Ms. Post! Are you havin' a good time?

Oh, yes, thank you very much, Mr. Holt, I am.

Mr. Holt, might I have some of that ethanol tucked under your coat, there?

Yeah.

Cheers.

You like it?

Very fine, carry on.

Melanie, I give you box of candyand then you go out with me.

Thanks anyway, but chocolate makes me break out.

Oh, shit.

It's 104!

Great genes!

These bells are giving me a migraine.

Excuse me.

What's your name?

Dinko.

Mr. Dinko, would you like to dance with me?

I love this woman.

Love is a four letter word.

-Guess who. -It sure ain't Santa Claus.

No shit, I met some great connections in drug school.

You name it, I can get it.

No thanks, I never touch that stuff.

Hey, mellow out, Edstein!

Sit down and party.

Thanks, I like the view from here.

Oh, you change your mind?

I mean, it changed the way I looked at things, like the meaning of life, death and sex.

You left out love.

I didn't think I had time for that.

Yeah, me neither.I just wanted to get laid.

You mean, you haven't either?

When I was a girl, we learned Latin in school and sex in the streets.

Now how are they gonna learn Latin in the streets?

Well, I'll have to think about that one, Mrs. Fish.

Will you excuse me, just for a moment?

Just a moment.

-Damn it!

Melanie, you need new clothes.

I buy you dress, you go out with me.

See, Max, Farouk's got the right idea.

All you have to do is ask.

Give her an offer she can't refuse.

Melanie, I buy you Mercedes, you go out with me.

Hey, come off it, Farouk, you cannot buy her a Mercedes.

Yes, I can, Max. I have, uh, four in Abu Dhabi.

And many, many travelers'’ checks.

Then, what are youdoin' ridin' around with me?

I like you, Max.

Besides, I have chauffeur in Abu Dhabi.

Gee, Farouk, I didn't know youwere into expensive German cars.

Okay, okay, God, but from now on, I set my own shifts, at 4.50 an hour, plus tips.

You got it.

Excuse me. Wrong room.

Damn that Carpenter, come on.I swore he said room 105 was....

Hey, buddy, know where I can get some ice in this roach motel?

Carpenter!

Give me that bucket.

Gimme the bucket!

Oh! Gimme the bucket, you break it, you pay for it!

Hey Carp, do somethin',this guy's got a burr up his butt.

Gimme that bucket!

Now, Carpenter...

Hey, now, what's going on in here?

Hey, man, turn out the lights.

I'm gonna personally turn out the lights on everyone of you punks if you don't get the hell out!

Mister, why so tense?

Out!

I'd still be in the closet, if Inga hadn't suggested to try a new therapy in the shower.

When you're talk about it, it makes it seem less painful.

See this? We're laughin' about it.

I mean, in school you always look so serious.

I didn't think you noticed.

I thought it took someonelike Liz to get your attention.

Now, if I looked like her...

I like the way you look better.

I think we got some celebrating to do.

Okay, you're gonna pay for this.

I'm gonna call the cops!

Hey, Carp, man, I'm really sorry. I just wanted to get some ice.

I know a good place to park.

I'll park anywhere in a Mercedes.

I want to make some toast for you, Max.

My best friend in United States.

-Thank you for your hostilities.-It was nothing.

Well, I owe Max so many nothings.

I mean, until tonight, talking to girls was like... relating to aliens from outer space.

You seem to clue in on what I'm saying before I've even said it.

Hey, Alan, come on in, man!

Leslie, would you like to...

Hey, what room was that? 104.

Let's get up there.

You guys, it's the police!

Deja vu,man. Time to boogie.

I don't believe this.

Here I am all alone with a beautiful woman... and I could be happy just talkin' all night long.

We could just talk.

No!

-It's a bust!

They've got us, Maxwell!

Oh, just one last kiss before they lock us up.

Just one?

Let me work on this door.

To ensure privacy.

What do you mean?

You're the phantom?

I don't reveal myself to just anybody.

Neither do I.

♪ Here's to this moment In my life ♪

♪ When only my heart Can say what's right ♪

♪ I hear a voice from somewhere Deep inside ♪

♪ Here's to the person I'll become ♪

♪ After the battle's Finally won ♪

♪ I can look back and say I gave my all ♪

♪ I know My dreams are coming true ♪

♪ I'll be sharing them all With you ♪

♪ Forever

♪ Tonight

♪ We're reaching for the stars ♪

♪ They'll be shining Wherever we are ♪

♪ Forever

♪ I know the future's Looking bright ♪

♪ Though it won't happen Overnight ♪

♪ It feels so good I'm on my way ♪

♪ Here's to a life With no regrets ♪

♪ I couldn't live With something less ♪

♪ I wanna go on With my head up high ♪

♪ I know My dreams are coming true ♪

♪ I'll be sharing them all With you ♪

♪ Forever

♪ Tonight We're reaching for the stars ♪

♪ They'll be shining Wherever we are ♪

♪ Forever

♪ I know My dreams are coming true ♪

♪ I'll be sharing them all With you ♪

♪ Forever

♪ Tonight We're reaching for the stars ♪

♪ They'll be shining Wherever we are ♪