Thing About Harry, The (2020)

[bunniefuu]

♪

♪ Can I tell you something ♪

♪ Just between you and me? ♪

♪ When I hear your voice ♪

♪ I know I'm finally free ♪

♪ Every single word is perfect as it can be ♪

♪ And I need you here with me... ♪

This is nice.

Mm-hmm. So nice.

-Sam? -Mm-hmm?

Do you have a...

Ew. No.

Then what's poking my back?

It's my phone.

-Relax. -(laughing)

I was like, oh my God, I hope he's not trying to get up on this.

Ugh. Gross.

Okay, you don't have to say it like that, h*m*.

-It doesn't bite. -Hey!

We talked about this.

You can't use that word.

You say it!

I'm allowed.

You don't gotta be mean about it.

Okay, swap. I wanna be little spoon.

(moans)

So what are you doing this weekend?

For Valentine's Day? Nothing.

You're not going out with Gary?

Oh my God, no.

That's something a boyfriend/girlfriend would do.

You know that's not my jam.

You guys have been dating for, like, three years.

I think you can call him your boyfriend, everybody else does.

Are you trying to start a fight?

What about you, Samwich?

You okay?

You mean because this is my first Valentine's Day without Malcolm?

It's been a couple months.

You ready to get back on the horse?

There will be no horses of any kind in my immediate future.

Which is why I'm so glad to be getting out of here for a few days.

Don't have to go to any of those awful singles parties and have people give me those horrible looks and try to set me up with guys named Troy and Devin.

I am just so not ready for that right now.

Wait, what do you mean you're getting out of here?

Where're you going?

My friends, Kelly and Kris?

From high school? Their engagement party.

We talked about this.

I must've blocked it out.

My God!

You're going all the way home for an engagement party?

Ugh. You are a good friend.

Yes, I am.

(cell phone buzzing)

Speak of the devils.

Hi!

How are you?

How does it feel to be "affianced"?

Affi-what?

Affianced. It means engaged.

Oh! (laughs)

I like that. Af-financed.

Like, give me my money, husband.

No, I--

-Never mind. -It feels amazing!

We're so excited that you're coming home for our party!

Ask him about Harry.

I'm going to, give me a sec.

-Ask me what? -He's not gonna mind.

So listen, we have a small favor to ask.

Anything for the bride and groom.

-Great. -Oh my God.

Could you... would you mind giving Harry a lift?

Harry? Harry who?

Harry... Turpin.

Harry Turpin.

Eh, you don't mean Harry Turpin?

Harry Turpin who hates me?

Harry Turpin who made fun of me pretty much every day in high school?

Yeah.

You're not seriously asking me to spend nine hours alone in a car with Harry frickin' Turpin, are you?

No way! Say no, Sam.

Kinda.

It's just you guys go to the same school.

And he was supposed to drive out with his girlfriend, but I guess they broke up or something.

-Shocking. -And he doesn't have a car, so he won't be able to come, unless...

-I don't know, Kelly. -Say no.

You know, give it to me. I'll tell her.

No. Stop it. Stop. Stop.

We really want him there.

Kris really wants him there.

Please.

Hey.

What's that sound?

Where are you?

Hell, apparently.

Um, yes, okay.

I will bring Harry.

Oh my God! Thank you!

Tell him to meet me outside the Student Union 7 a.m. sharp.

If he is late, I swear to God

-I'm leaving without him. -He'll be there.

Thank you, Sam. Thank you, thank you.

-See you Saturday! -Mm-hmm.

Wow!

You, my friend, are a medical marvel.

It's a wonder you can stand up at all without a spine like that.

(Sam sighs)

(cell phone buzzes)

Oh!

-Everything okay? -He's not here.

What an assh*le.

See, and that's the thing about Harry.

No concern for anybody else, just shows up whenever the hell he wants to.

Ugh. I never should have agreed to this.

No, you really shouldn't have.

You could always leave. You'd be perfectly justified.

Fine, I'll give him till 7:15.

7:10 in the morning, what do you think I'm doing?

Oh my gosh, did I wake you?

Yeah, but it's fine. I don't mind.

-I mind. -Shut up, Gary.

No one cares what you think.

Tell him I said hi.

-Gary says hi. -Hi, Gary.

Okay, sorry I woke you guys. Go back to bed.

No, no, no, I'll stay on.

Now remember, if he starts anything, any, any name-calling or anything at all, you just pull over and tell him, "Get the hell out."

-Got it. -Say it.

-What? -Practice. I wanna hear you.

I'm not gonna...

Fine. Get the hell out.

You're kidding, right?

What the hell kinda command is that?

I tell Gary to pick up my ice cream more forcefully than that.

Again.

(louder): Get the hell out!

Again! From those underused balls of yours!

(low, growly voice): Get the hell out!

Again! Like the lion that you are!

(shouting): Get the hell out!

-Sorry. -Stasia: Okay, good.

You're gonna be fine, babe, okay.

Call me if you need me.

I will. Bye.

-Stasia: Mmm. -(cell phone beeps)

(exhales heavily)

Sam: I said 7 a.m.

Sharp. He's not here, that's not my fault.

And the good news is I don't have to spend nine hours in a car with...

Wait, hey, hey, hey, no, no, no, wait, wait...

...Harry Turpin.

Hey! Hey! Yo!

Thanks, man.

All right, I know I'm a few minutes late, but...

-Try 20. -...not my fault.

See, my roommate made these k*ller tacos last night.

And this morning I had to evacuate the building, if you know what I mean.

And it put me a little behind sched.

But I made it.

We're here, road-trippin' home.

No harm, no foul balls.

Although my balls may be a little foul, 'cause...

I didn't have time to shower, you get me?

I... get you.

Oh, would you mind making a quick stop at The Drip?

I'm gonna need some serious caffeine if I'm gonna be good company for you.

And then she lost her mind because I forgot our three-month anniversary!

I mean, is that even a thing?

Like, who remembers shit like that?

I don't know, thoughtful people?

Mmm.

Of course you say that, you never forget anything.

Yo, remember that time you reminded Mrs. Brown we were supposed to have a bio quiz?

And everyone got so pissed at you?

Yeah, I remember.

Because I had studied like we were supposed to, and I didn't want to get behind, you know.

We had those big projects in English and Social Studies.

Plus, it was the first time that you called me "Suck-up Sammy," so... not something I'm likely to forget.

Hey, who called you "Suck-up Sammy"?

You.

-Me? -Yeah.

-No. -Yeah.

No way, man.

You're saying I made that up?

I gave you that nickname?

Mm-hmm.

I don't think so, dude.

Trust me, I remember.

Because after you called me Suck-up Sammy, Davey Glick thought it would be funnier to call me Suck-up Samantha, and that's what people called me for the rest of high school so...

I think I remember who started it.

All right, I guess. If you say so.

That's a good one.

You know what? I'm pretty wiped.

I haven't slept in, like, three days because of studying for mid-term, so... maybe we have a little quiet time.

Yeah. Sure thing.

Gotcha.

But, I mean, three-month anniversaries.

Like, who even thinks about things like that.

And then this other girl, we go to this nude beach, right.

Lotta schlongs, also a few schlorts.

Anyway, so she says I'm looking around too much and that I keep checking other girls out while she's around and she just gets super insecure about that...

So I catch her going through my phone, and I finally have to say enough, I'm out.

Can you believe that, bro?

Can I believe that you drove multiple women insane to the point of a total psychotic break?

Yes. Yes, I can.

Oh-kay.

-Ouch-- -So you just move on.

As soon as it gets hard or weird, before you start to catch feelings, you just bolt.

Okay, I-I don't know if I'd put it quite like that, but--

You spent the last three hours recounting every detail of your past five relationships, and the most amazing thing is that in every single one of them you did absolutely nothing wrong.

And yet, they all have the same complaints.

Did it ever occur to you that maybe, uh, I don't know, maybe, you had something to do with what happened.

You know what? You're probably right.

I mean, at the very least, I picked them all.

I must like the drama.

And it's not just the girls, the last guy I dated was completely nut...

See, that's exactly what I-- Wait, what?

Guy? Wha...

What do you mean, "guy"?

As in not a girl.

I'm pan.

-Pan? -Hmm.

You're... a pan? What does that mean?

Pansexual.

I... it means that I don't have a preference

-in terms of genders or-- -No, no. No.

No, I, I know what it means.

What do you mean you're...

Well, I mean, I used to call myself bi, but somebody schooled me that pan is way more inclusive and also honestly just more... me.

You know, I'm surprised you didn't know this already.

My mom practically put it in the family Christmas letter the year I came out.

But, hey, now that you know, maybe we could hit up some of the bars in Boystown together sometime.

Most of my boys are straight, so I could use a good gay wingman.

Dude, you okay?

Dude?

(horn blaring)

(both screaming)

Harry: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

(breathing heavily)

I guess something called a tie bar broke, and they have to get a part from Hannibal, so we gotta spend the night.

I'm fine, Dad.

Don't worry.

Um, "How's Harry?"

He's different.

He's changed a lot since high school.

Harry: I got sustenance.

Beer, chips, and for protein, beef jerky.

It was that or cat food, so...

Oh, sorry.

Dad, I should go.

All right, I... love you too.

-Harry: Beer? -Oh, oh.

So you really didn't know?

I really did not.

Thought you had me pegged a long time ago.

Why would I?

I, I know you caught me staring at you sometimes.

Well, because I thought you hated me!

Oh!

No. Not at all.

Truth is, I admired you.

I'm sorry. I...

I don't even know how-- What?

I mean, you were out.

In Liberty, Missouri.

Me, I was just... too scared.

That's why I made fun of you, you know that, right?

Because I thought that if anybody saw me be nice to you, then...

I'd be guilty by association, and...

Yeah, I was just...

I wasn't ready for that.

But that's no excuse.

I never should have treated you like that.

I mean it, man. I was a d*ck.

I really am sorry.

So what's next for you?

After we graduate?

Well, I was thinking about going to grad school, but...

I don't know, I think that I need to just get out there get some real world experience, so...

I'll probably just get on a local campaign.

Like political campaigns?

Mm-hmm.

Is that what you've been studying? Politics?

Hmm. What?

I'm kind of surprised.

I mean, you seem like a nice guy, and--

Nice guys don't go into politics?

Kinda. Yeah.

Well, we need more nice guys in politics.

Or else we're never gonna fix this messed-up world we got.

Hmm? You're gonna fix the messed-up world, huh?

Yeah. I am.

Good for you.

I like that.

So what about you?

What does the future have in store for Harry Turpin?

I don't know. I try not to think about it too much.

Hmm.

That's why I need someone like you around.

Someone like me?

You know... driven, a little extra.

(gasps) I'm not extra!

Dude, you're like the living definition of extra.

-No! -Man, whatever you say, Mr. Seven AM Sharp.

Okay. Okay. Stop deflecting.

We're talking about you now.

I guess... the only thing I really knew I wanted was... a family.

To be a dad.

Uh, what about you?

You want kids?

I mean, to be honest, I think I would be too afraid to bring a kid into this world right now, well, with, like, climate change and, you know, just the general state of things.

I get it.

I think about that stuff too, but...

I don't know, sometimes you just gotta listen to your heart and trust that everything is gonna work out.

Listening to your heart... trusting, that's not my strength.

We all got something to learn, I guess.

You can trust me, you know.

I can trust the man who can't remember a three month-aversary?

Cubs or White Sox?

Or the Royals?

Cubs. Duh. Always love an underdog.

You can't call the Cubs an underdog if they won the World Series.

They ate rocks my entire childhood.

They could win the next ten World Series, and I could still call them an underdog.

Wha-what was your favorite movie?

Okay, but don't laugh.

Okay, I promise.

Up.

Up?

With the, the talking dogs who fly the airplanes?

You said you weren't gonna laugh.

Okay, okay, I'm sorry. I just...

I never would have thought that that you would say...

It's just, it's just the beginning of that movie, okay, where you see the whole relationship between the old man and his wife and then she dies.

It's just...

That's the first time I knew what love was and... the kind of love I wanted.

Wow!

You're kind of a romantic, huh?

I like that movie too.

Did you ever hook up with anyone from high school?

-Guys, you mean? -Mm-hmm.

Hell no.

Did you?

I made out with Scotty Sharp once.

But that was about it.

He's... definitely straight.

You know who I always thought was a little not straight.

-Hmm? -Kris.

(gasps) Kelly's Kris?

No, me too!

And now he and Kelly are engaged. Oh!

You know what's even weirder than the kinda gay thing?

He and Kelly have been best friends since, like, sixth grade.

Yeah. Well, you know what they say, you're supposed to marry your best friend, so...

I guess. But I don't think that's what they meant.

I don't know, I mean, I guess it's fine for straight people, but a couple guys could never do that.

Really?

-You don't think? -No way.

Once guys are in the friend zone, there's no getting out.

The best you can hope for is one night of awful sex but more than likely, you're gonna have a lousy lay and ruin the friendship.

Seriously, there is no way you don't end up worse off than when you started.

How can you be so sure?

I mean, l-let's just say Malcolm and I started out as friends, then, you know, we started dating and I fell in love with him, uh, but we, we weren't having a lot of sex, you know, and then I find out that he's cheating on me with half of his improv group.

I lost him twice, in one night.

I lost my boyfriend, and I lost my best friend.

I'm sorry.

You deserve way better than that.

I should probably go take a shower.

I reek.

♪ While we're laying by the poolside, poolside ♪

♪ Getting tired from the sun ♪

♪ Fading in and out of long nights, long nights... ♪

(line ringing)

Stasia: (on phone) How is it? You okay? Did you punch him?

No, it's, uh... it's actually pretty great.

Stas Really?

(shower running)

♪ I wanna spend with you, you ♪

♪ I wanna be with you, you ♪

♪ Just take in it all ♪

♪ Just take in it all ♪

♪ Just take in it all ♪

♪ Just take in it all ♪

♪ What a heavenly way to die ♪

♪ What a time to be alive ♪

♪ Because forever is in your eyes ♪

♪ But forever ain't half the time ♪

♪ I wanna spend with you, you ♪

♪ I wanna spend with you, you... ♪ Suck-up Sammy...

that's funny.

Did you sleep okay?

Mm, I was kinda lonely, but...

(cell phone buzzes)

(buzzes)

Is everything okay?

Holy shit, it's past ten.

We should probably, uh, call the garage.

See if the car is ready.

I mean, if we want to make it home in time for the party.

Sam: Not much has changed, huh?

Harry: That's not true.

There's an Applebee's where the Fuddruckers used to be.

(Sam chuckles)

Sam: Oh, here we are.

-Hey, listen. -Yep.

I really am sorry about being such a d*ck during school.

You're pretty awesome.

So I was gonna head back Monday.

I was thinking about leaving early, -don't want to hit rush hour. -(door opens)

-Who's that? -Harry: That's Lydia.

Your ex. She came.

I guess now she's more like my ex-ex.

You're... back together.

Yeah, she, uh, texted this morning.

Said she was sorry and she wanted to work it out and that she was already driving over to meet me, so...

(squeals)

Lydia: Hi, baby.

See you back at school?

(car door closes)

-Lydia: I missed you... -Harry: I missed you too.

-(club music playing) -(indistinct chatter)

Stasia: So I told him it was over.

You broke up with him?

Break-up implies we had some sort of commitment to break, which we did not, but yeah.

He was starting to get all needy and possessive.

Gary... was getting possessive?

He insisted on taking me out tonight, for one thing.

I don't think wanting to take your girlfriend of three-plus years out on Valentine's Day qualifies as being possessive.

He knew I had plans with you.

What, to go to a Singles Only party?

Stasia: Yeah, exactly.

(Sam sighs) You're okay?

Totally!

I'm relieved, to be honest.

You know me. Relationships just aren't my thing.

Except for that you've been in one almost the entire time I've known you.

Mmm.

(club music playing)

(music continues)

Bry!

Bryan!

Hey, girl!

Hey, real girl!

Hey.

Two Solo cups for two solos.

Get it.

-Cheers, queers. -Cheers!

Ohh!

Most of the hot guys have congregated to the q*eer pong table.

That's beer pong for... You get it.

Anyway, that's where you'll have the best luck unless you're into the ladies.

Ohh, just your basic straight girl unfortunately.

q*eer pong it is, then.

Don't worry. There's plenty of straight meat over there too.

Okay, let's go. Come on.

Thanks, Bryan.

So apparently, there's a million single people in Chicago, and I still can't get a date.

Oh, you can get a date.

You're just too scared to try.

I'm not scared, I'm picky.

Picky is just an excuse so you don't have to put yourself out there.

-Not true. -Really?

Okay, then you know what? I'm gonna pick out some guys, and you're going to go talk to them.

-Fine. -(laughing) Oh!

What about... him?

Oh, who, Toucan Sam?

You know what they say about big noses.

-Big boogers. -Ugh!

You're gross. Okay.

Fine. What about... him.

Sam: Oh, the lost Kardashian brother?

I guarantee you that his camera roll is

95 percent pictures of himself.

Okay, fine, Mr. Picky.

What about...

Overalls?

He's totally your type.

Honestly, with a body like that, if he's not good enough for you, he is definitely good enough for me.

Oh shit!

-Sam! -Can we get out of here?

-Harry: Sam! -Why? Who is that? You want me to beat him up?

-No. -Suck-up Sammy!

-Both: Ohh! -Oh, too late.

What's up? How you been, man?

Good, man! How about you?

Uh, you know, chillin' like strawberry fillin'.

Li-like in a doughnut.

You know, tasty.

I-I'm kind of wasted.

I'm Harry, by the way.

Oh, I know who you are.

Yeah?

Well, uh, who are you?

This is Stasia, my best friend.

Nice.

So, uh, what are you doing at a Singles Only party?

I thought you had a girlfriend.

-Huh? -Your girlfriend. Lydia.

That's her name, right?

Thee one that you had the big fight with, so you had to ride with me back home.

-And then you guys made up. -Yeah.

-So you ditched me. -Uh, whaa...

I didn't ditch you, my girlfriend showed up.

Whatever.

I'm guessing you guys aren't still together, seeing as you can't remember her name?

Nah, uh, we broke up before we even got back to Chicago.

If you'd ever texted me back after our road trip, you might have known that.

Oh, uh...

Yeah, sorry, I just, um...

I-I got back to school and got wrapped up in classes.

-You know me. -So, yeah, um, after Lynnea...

-Lydia. -Right.

Lydia. Lynnea came after.

Before the first Mike.

Anyway, so let's just say that I just felt like I was playing into the whole pan stereotype, -so I-- -Which is?

That we, you know... get around.

"Get around." Is that, like, a nice way of saying "slutty"?

Ah, come on.

I'm a romantic.

You know that.

I'm just looking for Mr...

Mrs...

Person Right.

Bu-but you know what they say, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result, so... I decided to pull the plug, go full monk.

No more dating. Totally celibate.

You... are celibate?

For how long?

Okay, it's only been a couple of days.

I'm serious about this.

-What? -Um...

-What? -You know what?

-Stasia? -Oh my God!

I'm gonna get a refill or some embalming fluid.

Because that would be less strong. My God!

Ugh!

Okay. So if you're so serious about not dating, why are you at this party?

Oh yeah, my friends dragged me.

Oh.

Plus I've been painting my new apartment, and I needed something to clean the paintbrushes.

So, uh, what have you been up to since graduation?

I'm, um... working for Nadia Custo.

Should I know who that is?

I don't know, did you date her?

No, she's running for mayor.

She's a, a real progressive, and it's part of my job to make sure people like you know who she is.

So you're, like, in charge of PR or something?

Uh... no, I just started.

I'm one of her community organizers.

It's basically like one step up from volunteers.

Hey, no need to be embarrassed.

I'm folding shirts these days.

Well, that's... is that, um...

Is that-- Sorry, you never actually told me your major.

Was it retail or, um... fashion?

Is that so hard to believe?

Kinda.

Uh, no. I, I didn't major in fashion.

I majored in something much more important than that.

-Huh? -Marketing.

Uh...

-What, are you judging me... -Mn-mn.

-...Mr. Politics. -Not at all.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, you are. I can tell.

What do you think politics is, anyway?

It's just marketing the same candidate different ways.

They are not all the same.

Nadia Custo wants healthcare for everybody.

She wants more money for public education.

She's even looking at a plan right now to get cars out of the downtown core.

Talk about a game changer!

-Settle down, AOC. -Oh!

I, I believe you.

(dance music playing)

You're seriously not dating right now?

Okay, I should probably go, uh... check on Stasia, make sure she's not terrorizing anyone.

Oh, uh, okay.

Yeah, and I'll get some more of this uh, you know, paintbrush cleaner.

Yeah, I'll take another one if you're going.

Uh, okay. Uh, yeah. Sure, I got you.

Hurry back.

Oh my God!

He's adorable.

How come in all the millions of times you've told me the story of the road trip from hell, you never mentioned how fricking hot he is.

Sam: I don't know.

You should be all over that.

He's not dating now.

Oh please.

He's basically begging you to give him a reason to break his vow of chastity.

If I've learned one thing from politics, it's that you can't make someone vote for your candidate if they're not going to the polls at all.

You're not running for office.

You are trying to get laid.

You know me. I don't do the, you know, casual one night thing very well.

Sure.

But you're never gonna get to a second night if you don't do the first one, Samwich.

Now get back out there and throw yourself at that hot piece of man-ass before I call your mom and tell her you quit therapy.

(gasps)

-Fine. -(Stasia giggles)

Wait.

-No. No-- -No, it's coming off.

-It's coming off. -Okay, okay, okay.

♪ I like the way you talk ♪

♪ I like the things you wear... ♪

♪ I want your number tattooed on my arm ♪

♪ In ink, I swear ♪

♪ 'Cause when the morning comes ♪

♪ I know you won't be there ♪

♪ Every time I turn around you disappear... ♪ Hey, Frat Paddle.

I'm recently single, and I'm gonna need you to take me into some sort of bathroom or closet and just screw me into oblivion.

No names, no wants, no needs, just two animals going at it.

You think you can do that for me?

Attaboy.

♪ I know you won't be there ♪

♪ Every time I turn around, you disappear... ♪ Nice moves.

Oh yeah? You like that?

Yeah, sure.

It works in a, like, is-there-an-earthquake or-is-he-ahead-of-his-time kinda way.

Thanks, I think.

Did you just...

Are you flirting with that guy?

What? No.

Yes, you were.

You just gave him one of these.

-I-- -I mean, I get it.

He's super hot.

You should totally ask him out.

That wasn't flirting.

Look, I don't care.

Just own up to it, Mr. Celibate.

I wasn't flirting.

Look, I'm not gonna fight you on it... but you definitely did.

Okay, you're acting like a freak.

Is there something you wanna say?

I'm not a freak.

You're a freak. You're a freak who can't keep his horse in the barn.

Is that right, Grampa?

Well, at least I'm not afraid to ride a horse.

-Wow! -Mmm.

Well, that's better than being the rodeo clown.

What does that even mean?

I think you know.

Hey, uh, I'm gonna get out of here.

I just had sex with this guy, and he's waiting in the bathroom for round two and I just don't have it in me.

Great. I'll come with.

Nothing keeping me here.

Good seeing you, Harry.

♪ Every time I turn around ♪

♪ You disappear ♪

♪ I got love for you ♪

♪ I got love for you ♪

♪ Nice to meet ya ♪

♪ I got love for you ♪

Oh, come on, you missing link.

Hey, we gotta leave soon. You need to get ready.

What is it, black tie or something? I'm ready.

You might wanna put on some pants.

Hey, you're the one in a towel.

Go get ready.

Harry, we both know you're gonna wait until the last sec and then rip on some pants super fast, but then you're gonna want to check your hair and you're gonna spend 20 minutes making it look like you didn't check your hair.

So get off the game--

Quit riding me, Zach.

I just wanna finish the campaign, okay.

First of all... you wish I was riding you.

Yo, I love it when you get all dom with me.

You need to get laid.

Get ready. Now!

Sorry, boys.

Where were we?

Zach: Harry!

So who organized this again?

My niece.

Oh yeah. It starts at 8:00, right?

We should make it.

Sorry. It's just the campaign is really ramping up, what with the primaries next month.

You know, she asked us not to be late, Sam.

Uh, Usain Dolt, can we chill?

Eat my dingleberries.

That was rude!

No, making me late for my girlfriend's trivia night, that's rude!

Dude, you really need to start meditating or something.

This kinda stress isn't good for your heart.

See? Right on time.

She really wants to make sure we win this week, so she's brought in a couple ringers to handle all the stuff that none of us know.

-Like what? -Art and politics.

-Uh-huh. -Oh wait.

-They're here. -Who?

My uncle Paul and his boyfriend Sam.

Shit! Can we go?

-What? Why? -It's just that, um...

I'm not feeling especially trivial right now.

Oh my gosh, relax.

Come on, Sam. Let's do this.

-Hey. -Hey!

Good to see you. (kisses)

You remember Zach, Uncle Paul.

-Of course I do. -Good to see you.

And, um, this is Sam.

Sam, this is my boyfriend Zach.

Oh, and this is Harry, his roommate.

Hi.

Okay, folks, we have seven k*ller teams for tonight's Trivia To the Death.

So grab your seat. We're about to start.

Is that Harry, Harry from the road trip?

Oh God. I didn't know.

-I'm so sorry, babe. -It's okay.

Paul: So, how's my sister?

So you're dating Nancy Fancy Pants, huh?

His name is Paul, thank you, and he's really great.

I can't help it if he's super smart and super handsome and a super successful art dealer.

And so what if I am... dating him?

Why do you care?

If I'd known you were into rich old guys, I would have introduced you to my grandfather.

That's super ageist.

At least I'm not a man-whore.

Excuse me. I've been celibate for several... days this year.

So where are you working these days?

Still folding shirts for a living?

As a matter of fact, I am not.

-Really? -Hmm?

What are you doing?

I'm, I'm in telecommunications.

-Oh yeah? -Mm-hmm.

Who you working for?

I'm selling phones at a kiosk on the Pier.

Now can you be quiet, please?

They're starting.

Okay, folks. Now we know how this works, right?

This first team to ring the bell with the right answer gets one point.

At the end of each round, the team with the lowest score gets eliminated.

Question one: what was the first multi-platform web browser?

-(dings) -Mosaic.

Emcee: Correct. Please don't hurt yourselves.

One point, team five.

Question two: what is the biggest island on Earth?

-(dings) -Greenland.

-Nice. -Yeah!

Come on, everybody knows that.

Emcee: Question 32: what nut can you use to make an expl*sive?

-(bell dings) -Peanut.

EmceCorrect.

Peanut-brained, am I right?

Emcee: Who was the first baseball team to win two World Series trophies in the '80s?

(bell dings)

The Cardinals?

Afraid not. Anybody else?

-(bell dings) -Dodgers!

Emcee: That's what we're talkin' about.

Damn it, Harry!

I thought your little mouth-breathing friend had sports covered.

That kinda was a hard one, Paul.

Which was the first country to use paper money?

-(bell dings) -China.

-Jupiter. -Water music.

-(bell dings) -Hakuna matata!

-(bell dings) -Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn!

-(bell dings) -Jehovah's Witness.

Ooh, sorry, team three.

That is wrong, and that means you are out.

Okay, folks, so that means we're down to our last two teams.

And because we've gone way over time, we're gonna sudden death this mother!

One question for the win.

And the category is...

Art History.

Okay. This artist's scandalous painting of a woman nearly derailed his career when it was exhibited in Paris in 1884.

-(bell dings) -Toulouse Lautrec!

Emcee: Good guess! Afraid not!

Team Five, you have 30 seconds to give me the right answer for the win, or we go again.

It's Matisse. It's Matisse.

Mmm, no, it's not.

It's Sargent.

This is my business.

It's Matisse.

It's a painting he did of his wife.

I'm telling you, it's John Singer Sargent.

-Madame X. -Emcee: Twenty seconds.

How the hell do you know that?

He also did a bunch of drawings of naked dudes.

I stole a book about him from the library so I could whack off to it.

And sometimes after I was finished, I would, you know, read it.

Okay, I say we go with Uncle Paul.

-Paul: Yeah. -Uh, no way. Harry's right.

-Emcee: Ten seconds. -Zach: I vote Harry.

Okay, um, Sam, you get the deciding vote.

Wh... uh!

Sam, are you serious right now?

You really think that this pair of shoulders knows more about art history than I do!

Come on.

Harry! I say we go with Harry!

John Singer Sargent!

That is correct.

-(all cheering) -EmceCongratulations.

Team Five's the winner.

Ah! I...

Congrats, everyone.

Sam, let's go.

Actually, I think I'm gonna stay.

You know what?

You are a child!

Goodbye.

My mother never liked him, anyway.

Ohh!

Harry: "You are a child!"

-Sam: He's not British. -Harry: Are you sure?

What's it say on his passport?

Pretentious?

Is that a nationality?

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to...

-I know you liked him. -No, not really, I just...

You know, you get what you settle for.

You know what I mean?

Plus his apartment was sick!

-Harry: Was it? -Sam: Yeah.

Anyway, you guys get a table, -I'm gonna say hi to Stasia. -I know. Great.

Well, well, well, look who the hell it is.

Both: Mwah!

This is a surprise.

You haven't been here once since you started dating Paul.

Yeah.

Well, except that one time, he had an allergic reaction to the soap in the bathroom and you had to leave.

Yeah.

Where is His Royal Highness?

I think... that we broke up.

For real?

For real.

Oh, thank God!

Ohh!

I am sorry, Samwich, I hated him.

-I know! -He was literally the worst.

Well, he was great in bed.

He was?

No.

Hi, Nick!

Oh my God. He's here all the time.

That's so sweet.

It's not sweet. It's stalkery.

It's not stalkery when you're dating.

We are not dating. We're... hanging out.

Well, you've been hanging out for six months.

You're ridiculous.

Oh my God, Harry's here.

What is going on?

We ran into each other tonight.

It's a long story. The main thing is that I realized my mistake all along was thinking that we could ever be more than friends.

As long as we keep it in the friend zone, we're good.

He's fun... and funny, and he's actually pretty smart, which for some reason, I never knew, but... he's definitely not boyfriend material.

I need someone grown up.

You know what I mean? And that's not Harry.

Okay, got it. Harry it ain't.

Harry it ain't.

Now can you do your job like a good little bar wench and fetch me four beers.

You're so into him.

I am not.

Bro, what are you talking about?

Dude, you're staring at him.

No, I was staring in his direction because I haven't seen Stasia in a while, and I wanted to wave hello.

Which is something a Neanderthal like yourself would never knew is that that is the courteous thing to do.

Yeah, well, you've, you've always been very courteous.

I am.

Dude, you literally farted at the dinner table last night.

That was a medical condition.

Yeah. You're full of shit.

Just like you are now, dude. I know you.

Zach, shut your gob before I tell April what I saw on your computer this morning.

What?

Okay, we're just friends, man.

Like, let it go. For real.

For real for real?

For real.

First round's on Stasia!

To celebrate my breakup.

Stasia.

-Thank you. -Mwah!

-See? Courteous. -April: Yeah.

-To Sam's breakup. -April: Hmm.

All: To Sam's breakup.

♪ If we never met ♪

♪ I'd be drunk, waking up in someone else's bed ♪

♪ I'd be lost in a crowded room... ♪

(indistinct conversation)

(all laughing)

Aww!

Thanks, Harry.

♪ What if I never started singing? ♪

♪ What if you never ♪

♪ Told your family you were leaving? ♪

♪ When you felt the pressure ♪

♪ There's a million different reasons... ♪ Okay, one of the daughters of... of the Kardashians.

But they don't have the same last name!

(all shouting)

There's a Kardashian daughter with a different... (indistinct)

♪ And baby, when I close my eyes ♪

♪ I'm thinkin' about ♪

♪ If we never met... ♪

...best beans in the world.

♪ I'd be drunk, waking up in someone else's bed ♪

♪ I'd be lost in a crowded room of fake friends ♪

♪ I wouldn't even know what love is... ♪

(clattering)

Harry, stop it.

All right, enough pouting, let's go.

All right, dude, are you serious?

Okay, no, leave it.

Leave it as a tip. Come on.

-Just drop it. Yep. -(coins clinking)

-Thank you. -Harry: Let's go.

So that's why the fat lady sings.

-I don't get it. -It's because she's...

Because she's happy about all the sex.

-That's good! -Okay. Yeah, yeah, got it.

-Oh wait, hold on. -Oh.

-Eyelash. -Oh.

Make a wish.

Um...

♪ If we never met... ♪

I gotta pee.

♪ I'd be lost in a crowded room of fake friends... ♪

(indistinct conversations)

Hey, thanks for helping out at Pride today.

You were great.

We got a lot of voters signed up.

Oh yeah, you can't say no to Sam, right?

(inaudible dialogue)

Man: Speaking of Sam, are you guys like a thing?

Like, a, a couple?

-Me and Sam? -Yeah.

Uh... no, no, we're just friends, but--

Okay, cool, would you happen to know if he's seeing anybody?

Uh, if Sam is seeing anyone?

Uh, no. He's, he's not.

You know, I just wanted to make sure before I ask him out.

Yeah, uh, I mean, you should definitely do that.

But you should know that he's... he's pretty much straight.

Here we go!

(club music playing)

He's s-straight?

Really?

Wow, did not see that coming.

♪ Everybody needs somebody ♪

♪ We can't make it on our own ♪

♪ Turnin' up late at the party ♪

♪ Ain't goin' home ♪

♪ Let me take you there ♪

♪ Let me take you there ♪

Hey, Sam, let's go have another drink, all right.

I don't think I can.

I am o-blitch-erated.

We're gonna get another drink, all right.

Get it, b*tches! Whoo!

♪ Oh, come on, stay the night, yeah ♪

♪ Stay the night, yeah ♪ Hey, two, two tequila sh*ts and a couple beers.

sh*ts? Harry, no!

Bottoms up.

Tops, too! Don't be bottomist.

(crowd cheering)

Drag Queen: Happy Pride, Chicago!

How is everybody feeling tonight?

(cheering)

Drag Queen: Can you feel the love?

'Cause that's what it's all about, right? Love.

Everybody wants it. Everybody needs it.

So why aren't we giving it away?

-Whoo! -(crowd cheering)

Drag Queen: What are you waiting for?

Find you some love tonight.

Or at least get you some ass.

(club music resumes)

What?

S-so did you mean that thing you said?

About how when guys become friends, they can never be anything more than that?

One billion percent.

You either end up having bad sex or ruining the friendship, or both.

And there's no exceptions?

Like, ever?

None. Zero.

No even for... you and me?

Not even you and me.

Like I'm going to date the guy who bails on relationship faster than my parents' dog eats cat poop.

Oh my God, I love this song!

-Whoo! -(cheering)

♪ I want you ♪

♪ Baby, be mine ♪

♪ Won't you be mine? ♪

♪ Wanna make you mine, boy ♪

♪ Tell me now what can I do... ♪ I'm gonna go find my friends!

Happy Pride!

♪ What can I do? What can I do? ♪

♪ What can I do to make you my lover? ♪

♪ What can I do? What can I do? ♪

Damn, Stasia , leave it to you to find the only straight guy ...

♪ Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, ♪

♪ Kiss my lips ♪

(doorbell rings)

(footsteps thumping)

Casey: Um, when did you become the world's laziest roommate?

Don't worry. I'll get it.

Oh. Harry's here.

(door opens)

-Hi, Harry. -Harry: Hey.

-Casey: How're you doing? -Harry: What's up?

(door closes)

Hey, Samwich!

What?

You never call me that. That's Stasia's name for me.

-Oh, is it? -Hmm.

Heh. I guess it is.

Those donuts?

(video game sounds)

Is Harry here?

I thought he was up there. With you.

Huh.

Whatcha playin'?

Zach: Crackdown 3.

Oh, I love that game!

Let's get it, girl!

Harry: So listen, can I tell you something ?

Oh yeah? What's that?

It's, it's nothing bad.

Oh, I didn't think it was...

Good. I just, whenever anyone says, "We need to talk," it's usually something bad, so...

Oh, well, you didn't.

What?

You didn't say, "We need to talk."

You said, "I have to tell you something."

Oh, I, I... (chuckles)

-Yes, I did. -(chuckles)

So?

So, uh, Stasia and I... kinda made out last night.

Oh wow!

That's... Ooh.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. At, uh, Pride.

-Hmm. -I hope that's okay.

Yeah, why wouldn't it be?

Right.

I mean, I, I told Stasia that, but she kinda got in my head a little bit.

So I, uh, snuck out as soon as I woke up this morning.

You snuck out of where?

My bedroom?

Zach: So... you and Harry have a good time last night?

As a matter of fact, we did. Why?

No reason.

Just, uh... I'm glad it was a fun time if you're both gonna ruin your relationships with Sam.

We didn't. Sam's not gonna care.

I mean, Sam's not into Harry that way.

He said so. Like... multiple times.

Okay.

What?

You think he's gonna be weird?

Stasia... spent the night?

Uh... yeah.

-And you guys... -Uh-huh.

Cool.

What, you couldn't find any other randos to hook up with?

So you had to start poaching from the home team?

It wasn't like another one-night stand or anything like that.

No, we didn't just smash and dash, you know.

We didn't just sleep together, Zach. Okay.

We actually like each other, all right.

That's... great!

Yeah, she's really funny an-an-and fun.

He's actually really smart.

-Really smart? -You know, and he's not all clingy--

An-and she's so, you know... her own person.

Like you.

I woke up this morning, and he wasn't even there.

And you liked that?

-Maybe you two are perfect for each other. -Right?

I mean, how crazy would it be.

If your two best friends became, like, a couple.

A couple.

That would be crazy.

Well, I, I should probably get back to Stasia.

She's gonna wonder where I am.

Maybe I should take those.

I could tell her I went to get donuts.

Yeah.

I love you, man.

I love you too.

(door opens)

(door closes)

Who wants mimosas?

All: Me!

I heard you got a new job?

Yes! Finally! No more bartending!

So what is it?

Oh, uh, I'm working for Windy City Beat, doing all their, like, alt events and stuff.

Oh great.

Yeah, they wanted someone to curate a bunch of cool, non-touristy stuff every week, so...

Sam: Sounds perfect for you.

It is!

And what about you? You still working down at the Pier?

Uh, no. God, no, um...

Actually, Stasia got me a job bar-backing at G and O.

Wow, nice.

Yeah, but then she up and left me, so...

I up and left him.

Aw, so sad.

Uh, waitress! Uh, we're gonna need a lot more alcohol, like, right now.

-Thanks. -Oh my God, Zach.

-Ha ha ha! -So stupid.

And I knew he was lying.

Who would have improv rehearsal after midnight?

A lying liar, that's who.

But Malcolm, he would never admit that anything was going on.

No, no, no.

Not me, he said.

I would never sleep with Doug or Eddie.

Stasia: Sam.

Why are you talking about this?

This happened a long time ago.

And then...

I came home early one day and I caught him in the shower with Doug.

And Eddie.

There he was.

Malcolm in the Middle.

You know what I mean?

But it's okay.

Just... you gotta move on.

Like Harry.

Harry moves on all the time.

That's what he does.

Whenever things get... hairy. (laughs)

Get it?

As soon as things get hard, Harry just cuts and runs, you know.

That's just the thing about Harry.

Cut and run.

Just for fun.

-Harry's my name. -Stasia: Sam.

That's my game.

Sam.

(whispering): But when he does that, I'll be here.

For you.

Stasia.

Anastasia.

Anaphylaxis.

See, now that's a good drag name, Ana Phylaxis.

One bite and she'll k*ll you.

Oh see. Look, she's in anaphylaxis shock!

You're an assh*le.

Oh!

Thanks, man.

Am I to surmise from the fact that you're sitting here in the dark that brunch did not go quite as you might have liked.

There have been funerals for children

-that aren't as awful as that brunch was. -Casey: Oh!

Oh my God, I'm sorry.

Well, at least you did it.

Good for you.

Good for me.

Hey, have you heard of, um, of that new gay dating app?

Buff or Gruff or...

No.

Why, are you leaving Eddie?

Looking to spice things up?

(chuckles) No, dumbass. For you.

I'm not signing up for some--

Look, it doesn't have to be that, but I did not March on Washington and Act-up and Fight AIDS for all of those years so that you could waste your life, locked in that malodorous bedroom, furiously masturbating to what can only be described as moderately shameful amateur pornography.

And listen, if you want some privacy, you need to invest in headphones.

But I'm worried about your health.

I mean, my God, your poor bologna pony must need a break.

Is it, is it bruised?

-Or chafed? -Okay.

Does it need arnica ointment--

Okay, I will do... something.

Just please stop talking about my penis.

(chuckling) Fine.

You deserve someone to love, you know.

And someone to love you.

And seriously, if you need arnica, I have some right upstairs.

Go!

All right.

But do the dating app.

One date.

Or else I'm raising your rent.

Sam: Let's meet at Em's.

I'll be in the fourth booth from the door, wearing a green polo.

A blue polo.

A lime polo.

A burnt orange polo.

We can check each other out and have a drink.

And if we both agree that the first drink goes well, well, we can take it from there.

Hey.

Oh!

Sorry, I, uh, I think I'm having an allergic reaction to... something.

Listen, may be better we just call it a night.

So, now I'm on my third race for alderman.

I mostly do volunteer coordination, get out the vote, stuff like that.

I work in politics too!

-No way. -Well, I used to.

Now I just help run the Obamas' local foundation.

You wanna get outta here?

(both moaning)

♪ I've been thinking 'bout you ♪

♪ Wondering who's stuck in your head at night... ♪ Man: And I'm a Cubs guy.

I mean, you gotta pull for the underdogs, right?

That's what I always say.

Uh, ow.

Sorry, you, uh... you had something in your hair.

-Oh, thanks. -You were saying.

Oh yeah.

I like you.

A lot.

I don't like to take things too fast

-before we talk about monogamy. -Yeah, no worries.

-It's just really not my thing. -Once we get serious, I'm super faithful.

Oh!

♪ Early in the morning ♪

♪ Think about you all day... ♪

Nice to meet you.

It's nice to meet you too.

I've been on a few messy ones of these, so it's nice to meet someone cool.

You are really handsome.

Wow, thanks.

Back at ya.

I'm sorry. I don't think I ever got your name?

I'm Sam.

How about you?

I'm Harry.

I gotta go.

(sighs)

(beeps)

You're home?

How was it?

-Not for me. -Why not?

Just wasn't.

You keep finding problems with everyone.

They can't all be the wrong guy.

What was he? Stinky? Wiggy?

Non-monogamy-y?

No.

Harry.

Like, super hairy?

-Uhh... -Like, fuzzy all over?

You know, I used to date this total sasquatch.

Loved it. Never needed a blanket.

No. He was great.

Smart, funny, handsome.

Moderately hirsute.

So?

His name was Harry.

Oh.

He wasn't your Harry, huh?

Oh baby.

(sniffles)

Sam: Obviously, it's January.

It's too cold for canvassing.

But we've got training events every weekend from now until March, when we should be able to start hitting the streets.

So, uh, we're in a good place.

Uh, I'll get you the final volunteer numbers.

Thanks, guys.

Hi.

(people chattering)

So I'm getting married.

You...

You're, uh...

Oh my God! Congratulations!

Stasia: Look...

I know we haven't been exactly close the last year.

God, what's it been, like a year and a half?

Well, yeah.

You know what? It doesn't matter. Anyway, um... the thing is...

I don't really like a lot of people... except you... well, and my fiancé, I guess.

(chuckles)

And, um...

I just can't imagine getting married without you there.

I mean, you've been my best friend since the first day of college, and I just...

Is there any chance you'd be my Man of Honor?

"Man of Honor"?

Uh...

Is that even a thing?

It is if I say it is.

Is Harry cool with it?

I mean...

I assume so, but...

Well, don't you think you should ask him?

Why would... why would I do that?

Because he's the groom?

Oh no.

No, no, no, I'm not...

No, I'm not... I'm not marrying Harry.

I'm marrying Zach.

You... you're...

Zach?

Stasia: You didn't know?

No! No! No!

(stammering) I mean, I stopped following you guys on social media, and then I...

I kinda wondered why you never got back to me when I texted you after Harry and me broke up.

You didn't say that it was about that.

And then, and then, you know, I was a little... embarrassed about the way that I acted at brunch, but--

Oh my God, I'm sorry.

And when I didn't hear from you.

I, I figured you didn't wanna hear from me, -so... -I--

Oh my God! I am sorry too.

But then this happened, and I figured somebody had to make the first move. So...

The only reason Harry and I lasted as long as we did is because we both felt so... shitty about what we did to you that we kind of... had to make it work, you know.

Well, that and we did really want to prove you wrong after all that nasty stuff you said at brunch, but mostly, we felt like... if we ruined our friendships with you... it had to be love.

Only... it wasn't.

And I finally realized that every time I was going over to their apartment, the person I was hoping would open the door was...

Zach.

And I tried to fight it. I mean, I really did.

Zach is so straight and average.

You know how I feel about that.

I don't know.

I just...

I just love him so much.

And the gravitational pull of that is so much greater than any ideas I had about myself or my life.

So...

what do you think?

Will Harry be there?

Oh no. No, he's, like, really mad at us.

Yes.

Yeah, I would be honored.

-When is it? -Oh!

Valentine's Day.

-Ugh. Isn't that gross? -Oh ho ho!

But Zach's parents got married on Valentine's Day, and it was important to him, so...

But don't worry, okay.

We're not doing a rehearsal dinner or bachelorette party or shower or anything like that.

-(elevator bell dings) -Just a simple party that night.

Wow!

-(Stasia giggles) -You look amazing.

You like?

A twist on the traditional. Like me!

-(laughs) -I love it.

I'm so happy you're here.

You said he wasn't coming.

I lied.

(people chattering)

Sorry to ambush you.

I, uh... asked Stasia to embellish a little

'cause I didn't think you'd come if you knew I was gonna be here.

It's good to see you.

I've missed you.

Can you believe that Stasia is getting married on Valentine's Day?

She likes to think that she's so edgy, but let's face it, she basic.

Yeah.

It's, um... big of you to be here, after everything that happened.

Uh, not really.

I mean, I was never in love with Stasia.

I love her. I just...

Mostly I'm just glad she's happy.

So how come you never called me if you missed me so much?

I mean, it's not like I blocked your number or anything.

I guess I figured you wouldn't wanna talk to me.

Or that I didn't deserve to see you again.

I mean, you made it pretty clear how badly I hurt you.

Well, uh, I should probably get a drink.

It's good to see you.

The only reason anything happened with Stasia was 'cause...

'cause I was trying to get over you.

Why would you need to do that?

Ever since, uh, that trip home... ever since we became friends...

I guess I kinda wanted something more.

And then at Pride... remember that?

I was just trying to work up the nerve to tell you that I was in love with you, but you made it really, really clear that nothing was ever gonna happen.

Because you never said anything!

I know.

And then I ruined everything.

The worst part is that you were my favorite person in the world... and in one night, I lost you twice.

I, um...

I, um... was?

Past tense?

You said that I was your favorite person.

No, stupid.

You are.

Always will be.

You are the smartest, funniest, strangest person I have ever met, and I love everything about you.

I love that you need to control everything... and that you don't trust a cashier to give you the right change.

Well...

I love that you never forget anything and that you need to explain half of your jokes to me.

And I even love how crazy I make you, 'cause I know that means I matter to you.

And... mattering to you is kinda all I ever wanted.

♪ If the world was ending ♪

♪ You'd come over right ♪

♪ You'd come over you'd come over ♪

♪ You'd come over right ♪

♪ If the world was ending you'd come over right ♪ Zach: Anastasia Hooper, you're the most beautiful... authentic... thrilling woman I've ever met, and I can't believe I get to spend the rest of my life with you.

You surprise me.

You challenge me... a lot.

You make me want to be a better version of myself.

I can only hope to do half as much for you.

I feel like the luckiest person in the world right now, and I'm gonna spend the rest of my life making sure you feel that way too.

♪ Never was an early riser ♪

♪ Used to be an up all-nighter ♪

♪ Never saw the mornin' light ♪

♪ Quite like I do now ♪

♪ Never said no to a party ♪

♪ Never started savin' money ♪

♪ But everything is different ♪

♪ Since you've been around ♪

♪ It's the way you're smilin' at me ♪

♪ It's in the way you hold my hand ♪

♪ It's the way I've watched you change me ♪

♪ From a boy into a man ♪

♪ It's a million things about you ♪

♪ And I don't know what it is ♪

♪ But I have never known a love like this... ♪ Can I take you home now?

Yes.

♪ Never used to get excited ♪

♪ To sit here in the silence ♪

♪ Holdin' on to somethin' ♪

♪ The way I'm holdin' you ♪

♪ Didn't used to know how fast time ♪

♪ Walks and runs and flies by ♪

♪ I never thought I'd feel so deeply ♪

♪ But damn, I do ♪

♪ It's the way you're smilin' at me ♪

♪ It's in the way you hold my hand ♪

♪ It's the way I've watched you change me ♪

♪ From a boy into a man ♪

♪ It's a million things about you ♪

♪ And I don't know what it is ♪

♪ But I have never known a love like this ♪

♪ I have never known a love like this ♪

I guess Suck-up Sammy wasn't such a bad nickname after all.

Stop!

Don't do that. Don't... look at me like that.

Don't make me right.

Right?

About what?

About this! About... how we shouldn't have done this.

Hey, no, no.

Last night was perfect.

It was everything that I thought it would be and, like... a thousand times better.

Then why do you have that look on your face?

I finally got a job.

Like... a real job.

Awesome, but?

But... it's in LA, and I leave next week.

Are you kidding?

It's one of the biggest sports marketing companies in the world.

-How could I say no? -This is so like you, Harry.

Even getting your dream job sounds like something just happened to you.

I can't believe it. I can't believe it. I, I...

How could you...

How could you... let us... do that... knowing you were just gonna leave?

-Why didn't you tell me? -I needed to know.

And, and I am telling you.

I-I'm telling you now!

This doesn't mean we can't be together.

You know what? I, uh...

(exhales sharply)

I got-gotta go.

Come on, Sam.

We got the whole weekend, an-and LA's not that far.

I mean, there's these new-fangled things called airplanes.

(laughs)

Wha-wha-what? You don't trust me to do long-distance?

How can I trust you to do long-distance when I can't even trust you to tell me the whole truth.

Before we slept together!

Before I...

I, I let you in.

You had... so many chances to say something.

Do you seriously not get what a betrayal that is?

No, of course you don't.

You know, you say that you love all those things about me, but if you don't understand that trust is the only thing that matters to me, well... then I, I guess you don't know me at all.

Or maybe you do and that's why you did it.

Because you say you want love, blah blah, but... you know, at the end of the day, you're just as afraid of it as I am.

At least I know now for sure I was right.

We never should have tried to be anything more than friends.

It always screws everything up.

(door opens)

(door closes)

Bridget Jones: (on screen) I have two choices.

To give up and accept permanent state of spinsterhood and eventual eating by dogs.

Or not.

-And this time I choose not. -(cell phone buzzing)

-I will not be defeated... -Oh!

...by a bad man and an American stick insect.

(beeps)

You ruined... everything.

A sandwich for Samwich.

So that's it, huh?

You're just never gonna talk to him again?

Just gonna spend the rest of your life burrowed under this duvet, sweating into my vintage velvet couch like some sort of tragic dust mite?

-(groans) -Don't you have to work or something?

-What day is it? -Friday.

Oh my God, the rally!

You should probably shower. You smell really bad.

All right!

Reporter: (on TV) And now to Katie Leonard on the scene in downtown Chicago. Katie.

Katie: (on TV) We are coming to you live from one of the first big rallies in what is sure to be a contentious governor's race.

Mitchell's team has told us that they plan on doing whatever it takes to take her to the next level.

After a difficult primary run, a lot of people were--

♪ I can't write one song ♪

♪ That's not about you ♪

♪ Can't drink without thinkin' about you ♪

♪ Is it too late to tell you that ♪

♪ Everything means nothing if I can't have you? ♪

♪ I can't write one song that's not about you ♪

♪ Can't drink without thinkin' about you ♪

♪ Is it too late... ♪ Oh whoa! Got a wristband?

-Uh, I-- -No wristband, no entry.

♪ I'm so sorry that my timing's off ♪

♪ But I can't move on if we're still gonna talk... ♪ Oh, good you're here. Okay, right through this door. Come on, come on.

Stand there by the door. Ladies. Ladies.

It's time. Right now.

(indistinct) Let's go!

Let's go! Let's go!

All right, now remember...

(woman continues talking, indistinct)

Woman: Energy! Energy! Energy!

I want you to set up over there. Come on, let's go.

Big smiles. Big smiles. There you go.

(crowd cheering)

Announcer: (over mic) Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for the Illinois Maples dance team.

(dance music playing)

Oh!

(inaudible dialogue)

Cheerleader: Watch out!

-Cheerleader: Look out! -Whoa!

(cheerleader grunts)

Hey, come here!

Get off the stage!

Ow!

Yeah! You!

(both grunting)

(scattered applause)

Man: Whoo!

Um... uh, I...

Sorry. I, I didn't mean to... mess things up.

Someone in this very crowd once told me that wh-when you make a mess of things, you gotta fix 'em.

You got to take responsibility for what you want in this life.

And if you want the best governor for your state of Illinois, then you have to go out there and accept responsibility, an-and work as hard as you can for Lindsay Mitchell!

(crowd cheering, applauding)

Uh, just... Sorry, sorry, sorry. Um...

Uh, one more thing.

Sam. Sam Baselli.

Just, just listen to me. Please.

You were right, about everything.

I have to take responsibility for what I did, and for what I want.

And what I did was messed up.

And I don't just mean that opening number.

And what I want is you.

I'm not going to LA.

There are other jobs.

But... there's no other Sam Baselli.

You're my best friend, Sam.

And wherever I have to be so I could fall asleep with you in my arms and wake up looking in your eyes... that's where I'm gonna be.

I'm not going anywhere because...

I love you.

Girl: Aww.

(clears throat)

And you can trust me on that.

For real.

Well, are you gonna come up and kiss him, Sam?

Or should I?

(Lindsay laughing)

(crowd cheering)

(grunts)

(crowd cheering, applauding)

Lindsay: How about that?

That young man put it all on the line...

I know you like to be right about everything, but you were so wrong about this.

Friends can fall in love... and I'm gonna spend the rest of my life making sure you know it.

I don't mind being wrong.

♪ I'm just wild about Harry ♪

♪ And Harry's wild about me ♪

♪ The heavenly blisses ♪

♪ Of his kisses fill me with ecstasy ♪

♪ He's sweet just like chocolate candy ♪

♪ Or just like honey from a bee ♪

♪ Oh, I'm just wild about Harry... ♪ Hey!

(baby giggles)

-How was your day? -Good.

Yeah? You have a good day?

Yeah.

-A little bit moody today. -Aww.

(indistinct conversation)

♪ Oh, I'm just wild about Harry ♪

♪ And he's just wild about me ♪

♪ I'm just wild about Harry ♪

♪ And Harry's wild about me ♪

♪ The heavenly blisses ♪

♪ Of his kisses fill me with ecstasy ♪

♪ He's sweet just like chocolate candy ♪

♪ Or just like honey from a bee ♪

♪ Oh, I'm just wild about Harry ♪

♪ And he's just wild about me ♪