24x01 - The Pandemic Special

[bunniefuu]

♪♪ Hey, Dad, you think maybe we could go to Build-A-Bear today?

Butters, for the last time, you can't go to Build-A-Bear.

But they said they were open again, so...

Yes, they're open, but we are not the Johnsons, and we

do not go to non-essential businesses when it's non-essential!

Hey, do you people mind?!

You're supposed to wear your mask over your nose.

Looks like you're wearing a diaper for your chin.

Chin diapers don't help.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

What the?

What's going on now?!

Something at the town square!

Everyone's gathering!

Well, are we protesting, or are we rioting?

No, no.

It's something to do with the pandemic!

Something big's going on.

Stay here, Butters.

RANDY: Hey, everybody.

Can everyone hear me okay?

Thanks for turning out, everyone.

You know, we've all been through a lot these past several months.

We've shut down, and people have lost their businesses, lost their livelihoods.

I also own a small business.

I sell weed.

And I have to say I...

I'm actually doing pretty good.

Amazing, really.

Tegridy Farms' weed has seen a % increase in sales since the shutdown in March.

I see Thomas Turner out there.

Thomas opened a restaurant in SoDoSoPa.

Doesn't seem like such a good idea now, does it, Turner?

And there's Marley Jarvis, who owned and operated her own tanning salon.

Whoops.

But I can't just stand here and gloat because Tegridy Weed is about giving back to people.

And that's why I'm very proud to announce that Tegridy Weed is having a Pandemic Special!

An all-new hybrid of our best weed sold at nearly % off our usual price.

Not only that, but when you buy three pounds or more of the Pandemic Special, you get a complimentary Pandemic bong.

We are a community.

Let's all be together with Tegridy.

I think people are really excited.

What do you think?

A Pandemic Special, Randy?

Really?

- What?

- People are hurting.

People are dying, Randy.

And all you can think about is making a special about it?

I'm doing something positive to try and help.

People really need this right now.

You are a child, Randy!

These are very serious times, and nobody wants or cares about your stupid special right now!

We'll see if they like my special.

Wow!

♪ Another day inside, don't have to do a thing ♪

♪ I love you, social distancing ♪

♪ No one's around, no one's talking to me ♪

♪ Social distancing, I'm free ♪

♪ Don't have to brush my teeth or shower ♪

For what?

♪ I can sit on the toilet for hours ♪

As long as I want!

♪ 'Cause no one's saying to me ♪

♪ You kids should get outside and do something ♪

[CELLPHONE CHIRPS]

Oh! : a.m.

Time for school!

♪♪ MRS.

NELSON: Good morning, guys.

Everyone ready to start school?

- Hi!

- I'm...

I'm here!

Okay, I think we're all here.

I see Jimmy and Clyde are on now.

Eric, are you there?

Yes, Teacher, I'm here!

I can't wait to start schoo...

schoo...

schoo...

eh...

eh...

Oh, no, Eric, I think your computer is freezing up again.

Oh, no.

Really?

Can you guys hear me?

I just said...

Eh.

Eh.

Eh.

Eh.

Eric, you'll just have to listen again, okay?

- Best you can.

- So let's start today, guys, by going over yesterday's grammar examples.

Wendy, can you read the first one?

♪ I'm cut off from the world ♪

♪ Isolated, alone ♪

♪ This is what I call existancing ♪

♪ No one can touch me or boss me around ♪

♪ Social distancing ♪

Eric, aren't you supposed to be on your Zoom call?

♪ Stay away from me, Mom, yeah ♪

♪ You got to keep your social distance ♪

♪ 'Cause all I'm gonna do is sing ♪

♪ About how much I love you and I need you ♪

♪ Social distancing ♪

Sweetie, I know these are challenging times.

♪ Yeah, social distancing, Mom ♪

But we all still have to try and do our work.

Computer keeps freezing, Mom.

Maybe if you were an essential worker, we could afford faster Internet.

I at least need you to get some of your homework done, okay?

And then m-maybe take a shower.

Oh, what a folly a shower seems when my generation is being denied their lives!

I can't see my friends.

I can't even go to school.

How I miss Kyle.

Heh heh heh heh.

Sweetie, it's all going to be over soon.

They're actually talking about school opening up again in a few days!

What the f*ck are you talking about?

There's going to be a big meeting.

Sounds like they're trying to get you kids back to school!

We can't go back to school.

There's a f*cking pandemic!

But they're talking about maybe staggering you kids - every other day...

- They can't do that!

Eric, you're going to be able to be with all the other kids again!

Oh, no, I see!

There's all this horrible stuff going on in the world, but apparently Cartman's life doesn't matter!

- Eric, you can't...

- Ahp!

Get back!

Get back!

Six feet, Mom!

Six f*cking feet!

♪♪ RANDY: Okay.

Thank you very much!

Hope you enjoy the Pandemic Special!

Hi!

You here for the special?

Here you go.

How was school, Stanley?

It's not school.

It's a frickin' joke.

We're not even learning anything.

I know this has all been really hard on you, Stanley.

Do you want to talk about it?

No.

I'm fine, Mom.

You know, I'm strong.

I'm just worried about how this all affecting weaker kids like...

You know, like Butters.

Yeah.

Well, it's nice you care about your friend.

But if you need to talk...

I know this is really hard on everyone.

Well, that's it, guys.

We have run out of weed for the day.

Oh, hang on.

Sorry.

Uh, didn't somebody say the Pandemic Special was a bad idea?

I wasn't saying you wouldn't make money.

I was saying maybe that's not what should matter right now.

Oh, come on.

Think about it.

Do you even know anyone personally who's dying of COVID?

Yes!

My brother Jimbo, who is in the hospital!

Yeah.

Uncle Jimbo.

Jimbo's a fat alcoholic who'd be in the hospital anyway.

All I'm saying is that we can't let some dirty virus from "China" completely upend our lives and shut us down!

Please do not quote the President in front of our child!

Sharon, I went to China.

Remember?

Last season?

I went there to sell our weed, and I ended up hanging out with Disney and Mickey Mouse.

You remember all that?

I know what China's like.

Doesn't surprise me all this shit came from there.

- SHELLY: We're going back to school!

- What?

They're gonna let us go back to school!

NEWS REPORTER: The Park County School District is holding

an all-parent meeting tomorrow, and officials are hopeful

that students can return to school on Monday.

Oh, that's great!

Oh, I don't know if this is a good idea.

The openings come on the heels of news

that scientists are getting closer to finding the origins

of the COVID pandemic.

Y-Yes, we've been able to trace the virus

and confirm that it did, in fact, come from

a seedy part of China.

Ha!

Told ya!

And, in fact, we've pinpointed the virus

to a certain bat in Wuhan.

A bat in Wuhan?

What we still don't understand is,

how did a transmitted disease get from a bat to a human?

How can a virus jump species like that?

We just don't know.

Hello.

Oh!

Oh, hey!

You could use some tegridy, China!

- Here's to China!

Ha ha!

- To China!

Boy, you sure know how to party, Mick!

Oh, my God!

Look at her!

Ha ha!

She is so hot!

I think that's a bat.

Yeah!

It's a bat!

It's a mouse with wings!

Hey, Mick?

Where'd ya go?

Ha ha!

Ha ha!

Ooh, boy!

- Ohh!

- Ha ha!

Randy, you gotta try it!

Go ahead.

Take a turn.

Ohh-oh-oh-oh!

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh!

If they're letting us go back to school, then soon we can get back to everything.

I mean, doesn't this mean things are finally going back to normal?

- Dad?

- I gotta go!

♪♪

- [TELEPHONES RINGING]

- Then sell f*cking Epcot Center!

If we can't get people on the rides, then sell the f*cking thing!

No, no, no!

I said more "Mandalorian"!

Jesus Christ!

We're f*cking dying here!

What?!

f*cking what?!

Ha ha.

Hey.

It's Randy Marsh.

From...

From Tegridy Farms?

What do you want, Marsh?!

I'm in the f*cking weeds here!

Look.

Um...

Do you remember when we f*cked that bat in Wuhan?

I've f*cked a lot of bats!

Well, I've only f*cked one!

I remember...

right after, I got really sick, and this was all back in October.

Jesus Christ, you fucker!

You started all this!

You told me to f*ck the bat!

You didn't quarantine yourself after you got home?!

Nobody knew anything about COVID when I f*cked the bat!

I thought I just came back from China with the flu!

Look.

We can't let scientists find that bat.

My wife is crazy.

If she finds out I started the pandemic, she's gonna be a total bitch about it.

♪♪ [BANGING]

[GLASS SHATTERS]

Dude, you are not gonna believe this.

What are you doing here?

Is your dad home, Kyle?

We need to talk to a lawyer.

- Mr. Broflovski?!

- Dude, get outta my house!

If you wanna talk, we can go outside!

They're gonna try and make us go back to school.

Dude, you could be spreading germs!

Maybe you didn't hear me, Kyle.

They want us to go back to school!

- So?!

- "So?" What the f*ck?

You really wanna go back to that sl*very?!

I want an education!

I want to be able to compete for a job when I'm older.

You crazy, psychotic...

Kyle, we need to get a lawyer to stop the schools from forcing us back.

Now, whatever your messed-up beliefs are about wanting to go to school...

You really wanna spend the next year on Zoom?

You don't have to be on Zoom.

There's a million ways around it!

Mark my words, Kyle.

First, they'll force us back to school, then they'll take social distancing away from us completely, and I'll be out of my room having to hang out with you!

You're out of your room hanging out with me now.

- Oh, my God.

- They won't get away with this!

♪♪ [STROLLER WHEELS SQUEAKING]

♪♪ [WOMAN SOBBING]

_ Hey!

Excuse me!

Y-You're Randy Marsh, right?

Uh...

m-maybe.

Yeah.

Look, man.

I just wanna say thanks.

You know?

The Pandemic Special is really amazing.

Oh, yeah.

Cool.

Thank you.

No, no, listen.

You...

You're awesome.

All this horrible stuff going on, and...

well, you come along and try to fight it!

Okay.

Thanks.

Y-You see, I...

I lost my wife.

To the virus.

My kids, I...

I don't even know how to talk to them.

You know?

Just...

Just thank God for your Pandemic Special.

Thank God.

It's a great special.

It really is.

- Okay.

- No, it's an

awesome

special.

A-And it was a great idea to do a special.

Okay, okay!

Just stop!

M'kay, welcome, parents, to this all-school town meeting to talk about how we're gonna get your kids back into the classroom.

Can everyone hear me m'kay?

[PARENTS ALL REPLYING]

M'kay, well, parents, we've made some amazing adjustments and hirings, m'kay.

We believe we can welcome students back on Monday.

M'kay?

How are you going to do this?

Yeah, what happens when my son is sitting in a room

with Craig Tucker, whose father

doesn't even wear a mask outside?

Oh, here we f*cking go again! Stop mask shaming, Stotch!

Well, it's really not a mask if you wear it

down around your chin. That's a chin diaper.

There's no real proof that a mask

even f*cking does anything!

Spoken like a true redneck!

Oh, f*ck you!

[PARENTS CLAMORING]

M'kay, m'kay, everyone!

Alright!

M'kay!

I just muted everybody!

M'kay?

Now, if we don't get along, I'll just sit here with you all on mute.

M'kay.

Now, let's try this again.

I saw Wendy's mother not wearing a mask

in the changing room at Ross.

The f*ck are you doing

spying on me in the changing room?!

- I was at Ross!

- [PARENTS CLAMORING]

M'kay!

Boom!

You're all muted!

M'kay?

I can do this all day!

Now, we've made changes at the school, and we feel prepared to welcome your students back.

Mr.

Donovan.

I don't care what changes you've made.

My son Clyde is not going to class!

And that is your prerogative.

Mute!

M'kay.

Mrs.

Marsh.

I thought that the issue was the teachers not coming back.

That is correct.

Our teaching staff does not feel safe to return.

But...

we have hired all new teachers.

M'kay.

These are people who have recently lost their jobs due to recent events and are desperate for work.

M'kay.

So they'll do just about anything.

What new teachers?

♪♪ DET.

HARRIS: Alright, men!

As you all know, due to recent events totally beyond our control, we have lost most of our funding.

But this new venture will be great, and I know we will all thrive as elementary schoolteachers.

This might be our last chance at a job, so I don't want any unnecessary deaths.

[OFFICERS GROAN]

Ahp!

Ahp!

No unnecessary deaths!

And let's show this town just what great leaders we can be.

This is gonna be great.

All over South Park this morning,

children are getting ready for their first day of class.

And as they do, scientists say

they're closer to finding a vaccine.

Oh, cool!

Turn it up!

REPORTER: Tom, I'm standing in front of the newly built viral research center where scientists say they have found the animal which started the coronavirus.

The creature was located in China and then flown to the facility here where scientists are studying it thoroughly.

Hey, hey, hey!

W-Whoa!

W-What are you guys doing?!

They think they're about to find a vaccine.

Yes, now that we have the animal in our possession,

we'll finally be able to unlock what caused a virus

to jump from it to humans.

Does it matter what started coronavirus?!

Who cares what started coronavirus?!

You guys are being r*cist!

We don't need to watch this!

Where's the remote?

This is...

This is r*cist television, and we're not gonna watch it!

- I want to hear this, Randy!

- No!

No.

You know what?

You guys are horrible!

Just...

Just stop it right now!

You traced the virus to Wuhan,

but what you found was not a bat. Is that correct?

No, no, the virus did not come from a bat.

You guys...

What?

What'd he say?

We were able to break down the virus enough

to see there was actually no bat involved.

No bat involved.

No bat involved!

♪ Oh, yeah, oh, yeah ♪

♪ It wasn't a bat, it wasn't a bat ♪

♪ It wasn't a bat, in your face! ♪

♪ In your face, it wasn't a bat ♪

When we tracked the virus, we found it did originate

in Wuhan, but from a species called pholidota.

And what exactly is pholidota?

It's a pangolin. And here it is right over here.

[SCRATCHING]

- What's a pangolin, Mom?

- I'm not even sure.

Do you know what a pangolin is, Randy?

[ECHOING]

Randy?

STAN: Do you know what a pangolin is, Dad?

♪♪ Ha ha!

Ha ha!

Dude, I still can't believe you f*cked that bat.

- Okay, okay.

Shh!

- Ha ha!

You really let her have it!

Oh, boy!

Okay!

I don't wanna think about that right now, Mickey.

I'm just impressed, that's all.

I mean, if you can handle a bat, then...

Then what?

You ever have sex with a pangolin?

What the f*ck is a pangolin?

[SPEAKS NATIVE LANGUAGE]

[TIRES SCREECH]

Ha ha!

Ha whoa!

Ho ho!

Ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Shit!

♪♪ DET.

HARRIS: Alright, children, welcome back to class.

I'm your new teacher, Detective Harris, and this is our homeroom teacher's assistant, Officer Johnston.

Let's start the day off with some math.

Does anyone understand math?

Who would like to lead the class with some math?

[PIG SQUEALING]

[CARTMAN SHOUTING GIBBERISH]

Pandemic!

There's a pandemic!

You can't make me go to school!

You can't...

Arghh!

Aaaghh!

No, no, no!

Oh, no, no!

You can't make me!

I don't know if I can do this, Mitch.

I f*cking hate kids.

I can't be a teacher.

It's all we got, sir.

Let me try.

Kids!

Alright!

Come on!

Let's settle down!

Now we're gonna do some fingerpaints.

You got that?

You're gonna fingerpaint...

"a marsupial of your choice or a fun thing you did over the summer."

CARTMAN: You can't make us stay here!

This is a violation of our freedom!

Who's with me, guys?!

Now, listen!

We're gonna start fingerpaintin' right now!

Oh, my God!

I forgot how much it sucks to be around everybody!

I think I'm gonna be sick!

All over Kyle!

Bluggggh!

[COUGHING]

f*ck you!

[CARTMAN SCREAMING]

[CHILDREN CHEERING]

That's enough!

[g*ns COCK]

[RAPID g*nf*re]

[b*ll*ts RICOCHETING]

[CHEERING STOPS]

Got 'im!

♪♪ [SCRATCHING]

[BEEPING]

HEAD SCIENTIST: And here it is.

This is the pangolin we tracked down in China, the animal that could lead us to a vaccine.

The mysteries of COVID can be unlocked by our studies of this creature.

I'll just ask you all to keep a good distance away.

Obviously we can't let anything happen to this pangolin.

You see, this pangolin's DNA has mutated, which is what we believe started it all.

SCIENTIST # : The pangolin has mutated how?

We're not completely sure, but we believe now that something somehow...

got its DNA up into the pangolin.

Scientist # : How exactly could that happen?

Well, i-it's almost like another creature somehow inserted its DNA up into the pangolin.

SCIENTIST # : Perhaps some other species somehow mated with the pangolin?

SCIENTIST # : Oh, come on!

What kind of animal would have sex with a pangolin?

- SCIENTIST # : Yeah!

- Look how ugly that thing is!

- [SCIENTISTS CHUCKLING]

- Yeah.

Yeah!

RANDY: Okay.

Okay.

Again, what really matters is that we decode the foreign DNA inside the pangolin.

That would be the key to a vaccine, perhaps even a cure.

We have to know what r*ped the pangolin.

RANDY: Oh.

So now it was "r*pe." Excuse me, sir.

Who are

you?

This tour is for scientists that specialize in pandemics.

Are you... a pandemic specialist?

Yeah, I'm a pandemic specialist.

I'm making one right now.

O-kay.

Anyway, if you all follow me now to the micro labs, I can show you the containment system for once a vaccine is able to be tried.

[WHOOSHING]

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

[FEEDBACK WHINES]

M'kay. M'kay, parents?

Can everyone hear me m'kay?

- Everyone listen up.

- [CONVERSATIONS STOP]

We don't want anyone to panic, m'kay, but there has been a COVID exposure here at the school.

[PARENTS GASP]

M'kay.

One of our fourth graders was taken to the hospital a couple hours ago, m'kay?

But we... we think Token's gonna be okay.

Now, due to county protocol, everyone that was in the school now has to quarantine for two weeks.

So we will be keeping your kids here, and the teachers will be staying with them.

[PARENTS SHOUTING]

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

DET.

HARRIS: Alright, students, shut up.

I know this situation is not ideal,

but we all have to quarantine together for two weeks.

CARTMAN: This is bullshit!

You don't want to infect your families, do you?

You were all exposed to a student here

who was taken to the hospital due to COVID.

Yes?

STAN: Uh, we were there, and Token was actually taken to the hospital because you guys shot him.

Yes, due to COVID.

If it weren't for COVID, all the previous teachers

would have still been here,

we wouldn't have been in the class,

and nobody would have gotten shot.

Therefore the young man is in the hospital due to COVID.

It was COVID-related.

STAN: That doesn't make any sense!

REPORTER: And scientists are asking all South Park County residents

to keep an eye out for the creature.

Once again, the pangolin

escaped from the facility yesterday,

and many people are fearing the worst.

Scientists say that even though

they have samples from the pangolin,

they now don't have what they need for a vaccine.

Yes, you see, what we needed was the foreign DNA

that was up inside the pangolin.

It's whatever that DNA was that was our key to a cure.

MAN: [WHISTLES]

Hello?!

Anyone home?!

Got a delivery here.

Needs a signature.

Oh, okay.

Oh, h-hey.

If you're gonna come any closer, would you mind wearing a, you know, chin diaper?

Oh.

Sorry.

Here you go.

Just sign right there.

Have a nice day.

Oh, and, hey.

I'm really loving the Pandemic Special.

Yeah, thanks.

[GASPS]

_ Why did you send that to me?

Ha ha!

Because you're a dead man, Marsh!

It's your

DNA that they need for a vaccine!

Ha ha!

Yeah, I know, but I can't just turn myself in!

This isn't personal, Marsh.

It's business.

I'm having you k*lled, then secretly we'll send your DNA to the scientists for the vaccine.

Ha ha.

This is all your fault, Mickey Mouse!

You made the deal with the devil when you sold your "Mulan" shit to China!

And then you took me out and sold me on how great China was and how we should all suck their d*ck!

You made me lose my tegridy and anything special that I had...

Special.

Wait a minute.

That's it.

What's it?

Ha ha.

The special.

The Pandemic Special!

That's how we can get my DNA into people!

We can vaccinate them without them even knowing!

What are you talking about?

Just give me a couple more days before you have me k*lled.

I-I think I know a way out of this.

[MONITORS BEEPING, VENTILATORS HISSING]

[POUNDING]

[POUNDING]

[WIND WHISTLING]

Randy?

Shh!

Hey, Jimbo.

W-What are you...?

It's okay, Jimbo.

I think I might have a cure for COVID.

You're just gonna haveto trust me, okay?

[SQUISHING]

[MOANS]

Unh.

Ohhhhhhh.

- Uh...

Uh...

- Shh!

- This is gonna be great.

- No, uh...

[MUFFLED]

It's okay.

It's okay.

Just breathe.

Br-e-e-e-eathe.

- [MUFFLED COUGHING]

- It's okay.

It's okay.

Breathe.

_ We miss ya, honey!

We can't wait for quarantine to be over!

[ALARM BLARES]

OFFICER: Group !

Your meal is over!

Back to your class!

Alright.

Group , it's now mealtime!

Come in but keep your social distance!

Yeah, that's good social distancing.

Real good.

BUTTERS: March th!

It was March th!

That's how long it's been!

It was supposed to be a party!

A big, happy gathering at Build-A-Bear to celebrate me being a big boy at the dentist!

Then they shut it all down.

They said I'd have to wait until April.

And then it was May.

And then they said wait until summer!

It's f*cking October now!

Why doesn't anyone tell me the truth?!

That I'm never going to Build-A-Bear!

That I'm never going ever again!

Butters, Butters, you gotta calm down.

I'm never going to Build-A-Bear, am I?!

Oh, hey, Teachers.

Sorry.

W-Wait.

I'm sorry.

I don't need to go to Build-A-Bear!

Fellas?

SHARON: Randy.

Where are the car keys?

Randy!

Huh?

Uh...

What?

What?

Where are the car keys?

They're probably in my pants pocket.

Why?

I have to get over to the hospital.

The hospital?

For what?

It's Jimbo.

Doctor said he's better, so I can take him home.

- Jimbo's better?

- They said he doesn't have any symptoms, and his tests are showing negative.

Holy shit.

It works.

It can help!

[UNZIPPING]

[SOFT SMACKING]

[MOANS]

Unh.

Oh, boy.

Kyle, I need to talk to you.

Hey, dude.

I'm really worried...

about Butters.

I think he's sick.

You think he got the virus?

No!

It's all the other stuff.

The isolation and the uncertainty.

I'm just really worried what all the stuff around COVID is doing to some kids.

You know, not every kid is like us.

There's some kids who really can't take it anymore.

I know.

This bullshit sucks.

But Butters'll be okay.

And what if he's not?

What if Butters is actually starting to lose his mind?

What if he feels his body shutting down right now?

You really think it's that bad?

It's time for us to ask for help, from someone who has more authority at this school than these cops.

Mr. President!

The CDC is on the line.

They need to speak with you urgently!

Tell them to suck my assh*le.

Mr.

President, Dr. Fauci is on line two, and FDA chief is on line three.

Ooh!

Tell Fauci to shove it up his ass and let the FDA chief know he can eat shit off my balls.

Sir!

Sir, you have an urgent call on line four from a Mr. sl*ve.

Mr. sl*ve?

Okay, go!

Go, go, go!

[CLEARS THROAT]

Yes?

This is the President of the entire United States.

Uh, hi.

It's Stan Marsh.

Stan Marsh?

Where's Mr. sl*ve?

I'm sorry.

We had to get your attention.

Listen, we're being kept at the school, and one of the students here is really sick.

Oh, for Pete's sake, here we go again.

Just deal with it.

I am busy.

No, no, Mr. President, please!

You gotta come back to South Park.

Our teachers are sh**ting people!

Everyone's arguing, and... and there's a facility outside of town that found the pangolin and are working on a vaccine.

You might be able to stop the pandemic!

Why would I do that?

Huh?

Stan, this is gonna be very difficult for a child to understand, but I made a promise to the American people...

To get rid of all the Mexicans.

But the pandemic isn't just k*lling Mexicans.

It's k*lling a lot of them.

I've gone over the statistics, Stan.

All I have to do now is sort of guide the avalanche in right direction, and I'm fulfilling my promises to the American People.

I was doing a crap job until this pandemic happened.

You're just going to sit there and not do anything?

I am going to actively not do anything.

And you can eat shit off my balls and die.

God dammit!

[HORNS HONKING]

[GROANING]

Okay, there you go.

That's all I can sell you right now.

Just make sure you smoke it, okay?

Enjoy the special.

H-Hang on, guys!

I gotta prep some more.

Just give me like four minutes.

[MOANING]

Randy?!

- Oh!

- Randy!

Just... what?!

Randy, you've gotta get in here!

I'm doing something important, Sharon!

People need this right now!

Come upstairs.

Something's wrong with Jimbo!

He's just been sleeping for days.

They said he was getting better.

Last night, his fever came back.

And then a few hours ago, this thing appeared on his face.

What thing?

[EERIE MUSIC PLAYS]

♪♪ Jimbo's never been able to grow a mustache.

Huh.

That's weird.

Should I call the doctor?

No!

No, no, no!

Don't call the doctor!

- They're busy.

- These are unprecedented times.

W-We have no idea what caused this.

Special...

What, Jimbo?

Pandemic... uh... Special...

Why's he talking about your special?

Everyone's talking about the special, Sharon.

It's a big deal.

He obviously needs it right now.

I'm gonna get the thermometer.

Just f*cking shut up!

You have no idea if it's because of the special!

You could just be sick again 'cause you're a fat f*cking alcoholic, and I am not going to jail for you!

[SMACK]

And you say you've never had a mustache before?

No!

Never!

It just came outta nowhere!

How can this happen, doctor?

Have you put anything toxic in your body lately?

Any dr*gs or alcohol?

No!

I mean...

I've enjoyed a little of the Pandemic Special...

Oh, no, no no.

That...

That's totally fine.

NURSE: Doctor!

You better come to the emergency room!

Holy shit.

Another strain of COVID, or simply more COVID-related symptoms?

A reported one in people in Park County are experiencing mustaches and nobody seems to know why.

The mayor has called for help from infectious disease experts, and Dr. Anthony Fauci arrived at South Park Hospital today to give his advice.

We aren't sure why some people are getting a mustache and some aren't, but we have to do all we can to avoid it becoming fashionable.

Will our chin diapers keep us safe?

Yes, but we must wear them where the mustache would be.

We need to wear them over our mouth and nose.

Are you out of your mind?

You expect people to wear a diaper over their nose?

That's disgusting.

f*ck you, Fauci!

Citizens are asked to stay indoors and just try and relax and maybe enjoy some of the Pandemic Special.

No!

Shit!

Nice...

Butters...?

Butters?

- Wha?

- Don't worry.

I'm going to save you!

Okay.

Save me from what?

Guys!

Guys!

[CLAPPING]

You guys, we have to get Butters out of here.

Who else can we call, Stan?

No.

We have to get him out of here...

now.

We need to take him to Build-A-Bear.

Are you nuts?

He has to go out and do something normal!

Stan, Build-A-Bear is currently by appointment only.

And a only maximum party of four can visit at one time.

We can't sit around and wait for people to figure things out, okay?!

It's not gonna happen.

They just keep taking everything from him and saying it's for his own good.

But who's to say he can't go out and have a little g*dd*mn fun?!

If we want things to go back to normal, then we just gotta go do it!

Stan's right.

If we want things to go back to normal, we have to do it ourselves.

They're just gonna keep making more restrictions and more rules, and who's gonna fight to go back to the way things were?

I sure as hell will!

We can make things normal for Butters again and make school the way it was.

The way it was!

Online, in our own rooms!

Wait.

What?

No, in a class, with real teachers!

Wait.

What?

What normal are you talking about?

I'm talking about normal, like back in March.

What normal are you talking about?

I'm talking about normal like three days ago when everything was awesome.

Look, it doesn't matter.

We just gotta break the f*ck outta here.

Timmy!

[BOLT CUTTERS CLICK, CHAINS RATTLE]

[DOOR SLAMS, CHILDREN SCREAMING, LAUGHING]

The new outbreak in South Park is spreading rapidly, and as highways into town close and governments consider a full lockdown, one question is on everyone's mind...

Where is the damn pangolin?

Some speculate the pangolin took its own life while others think that...

Sorry.

Sorry, we're getting some breaking news!

Oh, God.

Students at South Park Elementary School have broken quarantine and are now out on the loose!

The fugitives broke out sometime last night.

Teachers are reporting there's no cause for alarm except that these children have all been exposed to COVID and could be running around spreading mustaches right now!

[SCREAMS]

[ALL SCREAMING]

Super spreaders!

[SCREAMING CONTINUES]

One can of shaving cream per family!

[GLASS SHATTERING]

Butters?!

Butters, you get back to quarantine or you are gonna be grounded!

THOMAS: Hey, Stotch!

You heard what the scientist said!

Get your diaper up over your mustache area!

I'm not wearing a damn diaper over my nose!

Don't you care about people?!

Yeah, we care way more about what's right than you do, bitch!

[ALL SHOUTING]

[CAR HORNS HONKING, PEOPLE SHOUTING]

For Christ's sake...

The entire town is in chaos!

How the hell did you let those kids out of quarantine?!

Don't blame this on us teachers!

You opened the school and gave us barely enough resources to do our job!

Everyone is terrified of catching something from these super spreaders!

Well, I don't know what you're gonna do, Mayor.

You took all our funding away.

You said our equipment was too extreme.

Now, if we had some of that stuff back...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Tsst-tst-tst!

We certainly don't want you teachers

to be without every resource available.

I'll write an executive order to get you everything you need.

Boys... we are back in business!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah!

[MOTORCYCLES REVVING]

[DOGS BARKING]

Possible COVID exposure at four o'clock!

You there!

You are violating a mandated safer-inside order!

Put down the snowball and get back to quarantine!

We've got a runner!

[g*nf*re]

[g*nf*re CONTINUES]

Okay, all clear.

Come on.

Go, go, go!

All right, you ready to have some fun, Butters?

- I sure am, fellas!

- Okay!

Shit, shit, get back!

Back, back, back, back!

[GEARS SQUEAKING]

Okay, all good.

Come on.

Dude, we made it!

Butters, Butters... look!

BUTTERS: Whoa!

Is it really for reals?

Yeah, it's real.

Come on!

We got an appointment!

Oh.

Hey, excuse me.

We have an appointment.

Oh, no, sorry.

We're closed.

But I called.

You said you were open today for appointments!

Yeah, we had to shut down again!

Somebody came into the store with a mustache.

A mustache?

Please, my friend has to build a bear.

I'm sorry!

These are unprecedented times!

Oh, just give us one minute!

Oh, good job, Stan!

Thanks for getting my hopes up, you assh*le!

Come on, dude, we better get outta here before we're spotted.

- We can't go.

- What do you mean?

We don't have a choice.

We're gonna have to break in.

And then do what?

And then build him a bear!

Without any employees?

What, do you expect us to just... build our own bear?

If we have to, yes.

Dude, you need people to help you do the stuffing and the closing.

You don't...

You don't actually build your own bear...

I don't care!

I'm not following the rules anymore.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

[BOTTLES CLATTERING]

[GROANING]

What the hell are you doing?

I just gotta take all the Pandemic Special over to Thompson Lake and dump it.

Dump it?!

Why are you worrying about this right now?!

Because the Pandemic Special needs to end.

A special has to end, Sharon, or else it's not really a "special," is it?

God dammit, Randy, our son is out in this chaos!

This is not the time for you to be dealing with your f*cking marijuana!

Somebody's gotta find him!

No, no!

Okay!

Okay, okay, hold on, I'm coming!

Maybe we can just stop the special by the lake on the way.

f*ck you!

[BANGING]

[GLASS SHATTERS, CRASHING]

Here we are, Butters!

Look... you made it!

Oh, boy!

Is this a dream?

No, it's not a dream!

We are really here, and we are gonna build you a bear!

Which one you want?

You want the panda?

You want the Bronco koala?

The Cabellero Grizzly.

Cabellero Grizzly.

Okay, we just find the shell, and the, uh... the outfit...

Stan, you really need employee assistance with this.

It's gonna f*cking work!

Just f*cking shut up!

Okay.

Okay, Butters look!

We're gonna put the stuffing in!

Wow!

Okay, uh, um...

[BUTTON CLICKING]

[MACHINE BEEPING]

BUTTERS: Aaaah!

God!

It's okay!

We can start over!

We can start over!

There's a do-over machine right over there!

Look!

[MACHINE WHIRRING]

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

SHARON: Stanley!

St-a-a-a-a-an!

What if he's dead, Randy?!

He's not dead, Sharon.

Then why hasn't he even called?!

[POUNDING ON WINDSHIELD]

Hey, can we have some of that Pandemic Special?

No!

Nobody needs the special right now!

It's not helping!

Oh, my God.

- Oh, God, no.

- What?!

They got Applebee's, too.

Drive me back to the farm, Sharon.

I need to get something.

[AIR BLOWING INTERMITTENTLY]

God dammit!

[AIR BLOWING LOUDLY]

Dude, just let it go.

No, Kyle, we can't let Butters down!

Stan, are you sure this is about Butters?

'Cause you seem really desperate to build a bear.

DET.

HARRIS: Attention protesting looters!

Protesting slash looting is a violation

of the mayor's health order.

You have five minutes to come out

or we will have to take action.

We gotta surrender, fellas!

I'm honestly not having that much fun anyways.

No!

I'm not giving up!

All right, that was about five minutes.

Okay, boys, light 'em up!

[MACHINERY WHIRRING]

[BEEPING]

Wait!

Everyone just stop!

Who the hell is that?

I have something that might change all of this.

[CHOIR VOCALIZING]

[PANGOLIN CHITTERING]

- It's the pangolin!

- Look!

- He found it!

- The pangolin!

He's found it!

This is what you've all been looking for, right?

Well, here!

Go ahead and do all the tests you want on it.

You'll find out...

everything you need to know.

[CROWD MURMURING]

Oh, no!

You're not ending this pandemic!

- Hey!

- Cartman, no!

Don't do it, Cartman!

That thing is our only chance.



Your

only chance!

For your normal, not mine!

I am

not

going back to school!

You guys were right, okay?

This hasn't been about Butters.

I've been acting like this because I can't take these shutdowns anymore, and I'm scared what it's doing to me.

I'm looking for who to blame.

Saying I'm trying to help people to make myself feel better, because the truth is...

I just want to have fun again.

I wanted to see that I could go out in the world and do things that I used to do, but I can't.

I'm not any better, and I don't care any more than anyone else.

And I did all this because I just want my life back.

I just want my life back...

I don't believe it.

So...

So what happens now?

Now we have hope.

We've learned that we might never get back to our old lives, but by working together, we just might find a new way to...

Aargh!

Ohh!

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

[FLAMETHROWER ROARING]

[SCREAMING CONTINUES]

Don't forget to get out and vote, everybody!

Big election coming up.

RADIO ANNOUNCER: And since the students broke quarantine,

all South Park residents are now exposed

and under complete lockdown for the unforeseeable future.

How do I even begin to apologize?

You guys we were right.

I think all the marijuana really did go to my head.

You said it... a drug is a drug, and I'm not who I used to be.

It's time for me to own up to everything.

It's time everyone knew what started this pandemic.

Hey, Sharon, I need to talk to you.

I'm not as strong as you are, Sharon.

I can't deal with hard times the way that you can.

If you're ready to talk, I'm ready to listen, Randy.

What?

You want nothing to do with the Pandemic Special.

No.

I don't smoke marijuana, Randy.

Uh-huh.

What did you want to talk to me about?

I just...

think maybe I'm gonna do a few more specials.

You got some shit on your face.