Witches, The (1967)

[bunniefuu]

THE WITCHES

THE WITCH BURNT ALIVE

I wonder why they don't answer.

Hey! Answer the door. It's about time.

Come on, sweetie. Speed it up.

Hurry up and get the bags in There, give him that.

Make it quick, boys. We didn't come here to freeze.

Take that jewel case upstairs It's very valuable.

For heaven's sake, be careful with it.

Gloria. I can't believe it!

It's marvelous. It's perfectly divine! Incredible!

It's me, my dear, but don't worry I'm just coming and going.

No one is to know I'm here I got away from them all.

I did a crazy thing You don't mean that you need permission to get away.

Thanks, Gloria, thanks Dolf, Dino, Maria, the bags go upstairs and be quiet.

How are you, dear? Fine, thank you.

I wanted to help celebrate the 10th anniversary of your husband's infidelity.

Gloria, please, the servants! Do they mind?

Go on, darling. Say whatever you wish.

Everyone knows how witty and charming you always are.

How utterly amusing.

No, no, no, no.

Not now.

I want you to be a surprise, my little offering to my guests up there.

Judith, call up my husband in New York.

Right away.

If he tries to call me in London and I'm not there, he'll go mad.

Here's your room, or should I say mine.

As for me, darling, I'm actually going to go sleep with my husband.

Amazing, isn't it?

They'll be thrilled that you're here.

Paolo especially. He dreamed about you last night.

Here. Look, Gloria, just look. Look at this.

You're here, you're there you're everywhere I look.

Every woman wants to look like you. Unfortunately, we come off second best.

All the rest of us poor women are imitation Glorias.

You hate me for it?

Of course not. It would mean hating too many other women.

Let me try on your hat, darling

You see? This sort of thing doesn't suit me.

It's adorable. Simply not my style Don't be silly. I don't know why, but it just isn't.

What's this?

It's your husband.

You mean you travel with it? You still love him?

Well, frankly, he keeps me so busy I never think about it.

A queen couldn't live better Country houses, jewels...

I'm so tired, I feel like I'm going out of my mind.

I must get a rest of 18 months and I'm not allowed one day!

Your husband is a wife k*ller.

Oh, no, he's a genius.

What could I do alone?

He's given me everything absolutely everything.

It makes me feel like committing su1c1de sometimes.

Gloria, you poor darling Gloria, here's your jewel case.

Just put it on the bed, dear. Thanks.

I put through the call to New York but there'll be a long wait.

You know what, dear?

It's because you're so happy that you're crying.

Think so? I'm sure of it.

I'm the one who should be crying, screaming.

Why?

Paolo won't make love to me anymore.

Oh, no? Yes.

That's true.

He comes into my room once a year.

Maria, what are you doing? Come!

But he won't expect me to sleep with the servants tonight.

All the guest rooms are occupied. So he'll have to sleep with me tonight.

My friends, my dear friends you mustn't have heart failure because our nearest specialist is in Vienna.

You know who's here? In person?

It can't be you, my dear. Our own Gloria!

But you look more like Nefertiti's mother-in-law.

I'm flattered, darling.

I'm not joking. She was lovely. The glamour girl of the 18th dynasty.

She comes from the basest background imaginable, the mud.

But I don't agree, darling She's below sea level, she's so base.

This is a special night, so you can't play poker Oh, no! Why not, Valeria? No, poker. No. I'll decide what to do.

What are we going to play?

Charades, the "ring game" and "tell me the truth."

Don't we always have fun when we're together?

Come along, Gloria. We'll have coffee in the living room.

Poor thing. It seems she's the bank clerk's only daughter.

There's nothing the matter with being a pauper or with being a prince.

It's the in-between that's disgusting the middle class.

When I heard the doorknob rattling I stopped.

Then all of a sudden he came in the door wearing the silliest...

Look out there, Gloria.

The land was frightfully expensive, but the view alone is worth a million.

Postcards would have been cheaper though.

Gloria, a drink?

A gin.

With what? A gin chaser

Coffee? No, thanks.

No? No coffee?

Let me play you at poker I can win back my losses.

I'm sorry. We're not allowed to play.

Yes, but I'm the boss around here.

Beautiful life we lead, eh? Lots of snow, but I don't ski.

Let's play a charming game of charades.

And maybe the presence of a great comedienne will inspire us.

You've got to be quiet. The children are asleep.

Certainly, calm down.

Poor children. What a bore.

Are we supposed to stop talking? What is this, a convent or something?

You're a product, a sublime product magnificently calculated for the market, though.

And the product is the basis of all industry and thus society.

If a saleable product varies in quality.

If it changes color, smells different or changes shape that means trouble for the producer.

The created image must remain the same, or the competitors wake up.

Pardon.

For example, in my canned meat, I don't allow any change in recipe.

It could be made to taste much better but that might endanger the balance of a whole industry.

I find your comparing me to canned meat extremely poor taste.

Try and guess where I hid the ring.

It's in a funny place, and if you find it, I lose.

But I'll be a sport and perform a striptease...

But I won't be as sexy as Gloria.

Let's use canned peaches in syrup as a comparison, then.

Where, oh, where is my little diamond ring of all silly things?

No, not there. It's ridiculous, isn't it?

Come on, Gloria, help me look for it All right. I'll come.

The fact is that you artists are curious industrial specimens precarious investments, with a case of laryngitis or a love affair, you're finished. Everything goes up in smoke.

There it is. I see it. I found it. I found it!

I should have found it considering what I paid for it.

A lot of money, right?

You, too, Paolo? If she'll let me.

She won't. You jealous?

It's obviously somewhere.

Does that mean there's nothing left?

Don't answer, Valeria. Tell me where it is.

Gloria...

It's odd how frantic women get when they can't find something.

Then help us look.

And you, you've found the ring? So what are you looking for now?

I'm just looking.

So am I. Looking for something.

You're jealous.

Don't bother looking in there. I didn't hide it in the dining room.

Can't find it.

I can't find it, no.

Gloria. Gloria, go ahead and look.

Did you find it, Gloria?

Look, Gloria, look. Look, Gloria, look.

There, there you are at last! The ring.

It was a beautifully simple hiding place, my dear.

Awfully original and silly.

Gloria, are you well? No, why?

You're so pale. Shall we stop playing?

No, I'm all right. Since I didn't find it I've got to pay a penalty.

But someone's got to accompany me on the piano, Valeria.

That's what I'm here for, madam.

Do you know the witch's song? Sure.

That's it. Fine. Very nice.

Quick. Let's get her over to the couch.

Poor darling, she's completely exhausted.

Call her husband in New York and say that she can't possibly move from here.

Dolf, call New York right away Should I make it urgent or just regular, ma'am?

Urgent, of course.

Excuse me, but that's three times as much.

I know what she needs. A big juicy steak!

Close the window. it's cold.

Just because she fainted, you think I'm going to catch pneumonia?

You stupid old man.

I'll stand by the phone and wait Thanks.

I'm going to carry her upstairs.

Better let me. I'm used to it and probably stronger, too.

Look, I'm the host here, so forget that, too.

Stop it. That's enough! Shut up and get a hot water bottle.

And if you're so keen on being a miracle worker get the first train to Lourdes.

All right, all right Poor thing, get that hat off her It's bad for her.

See? It's pinching her temples It puts pressure on her.

Yes, and those false eyelashes are heavy.

They're bad for her even though they do help her looks.

She's a martyr, poor dear. A real martyr.

Careful there.

Those eyelashes are made out of mink! Look at them.

I wonder how she looks without them.

There we are.

She shouldn't be let out of her jewel case.

She ought to be locked up in a safe.

I agree with you.

The important thing is to get her out of their claws but quick.

God! Looks like a rat fished out of water!

Eye slanters. I knew she couldn't possibly have such beautiful eyes.

That's what's making her sick Quick, pull them off!

Quick. it'll make her feel better.

Wait. Let me do it for her.

There, there, Gloria.

You're still quite pretty without all your trappings Paolo, do something. Get her out of here What should I do?

The hot water bottle, madam.

Did you call the doctor, Dino? Yes, sir.

-What'd he say? He'll be right here.

Good, that'll be all.

At least those are real.

What's that? Not falsies.

These. Everything else is fake.

She's going to be sick. But it's better if she throws up.

We ate so badly that I'm not surprised at all.

Well, thank you.

A hair net. We forgot to take off the hair net.

She's even more beautiful like this.

You can say that again. I feel privileged Here I am.

But who is this beauty? What brings you to my door, dear wife?

Just passing through

Watch. I'm a good dancer, am I?

Watch. I'm a good dancer, am I?

The last time I came by was nearly five years ago. Am I right?

That's right. It was quite a stormy encounter.

To say the least!

Don't touch me! Are you mad?

Stop.

I hope I didn't wake her up. No.

Don't you want to celebrate?

It's our 10th anniversary and finally we're alone.

You mustn't talk like that. It's too vulgar. Quiet down!

After a day like this one.

Hot and cold water bottles...

I'm dead. Come on. Let's sleep.

That's fine. Sleep alone, though

You fool.

Come in, dear.

There's something wrong with the hot water.

It won't run for some reason Take a look at it.

Something wrong?

Look. See, there's just no hot water.

What are you looking at?

Nothing, really.

Nothing? Gloria's picture.

Good for you.

She's beautiful, huh?

A beauty. I know that.

Don't say it! Don't say no!

I already said it. Now let me go.

Be nice to me, baby. Be nice.

But I thought you were with your wife.

I am, but she's an ugly old witch.

You like them young, is that it?

Are you looking for something?

No.

Or should I say yes. Sleep.

I'll bet you haven't tried counting sheep, Gloria.

I've tried counting everything sheep, pigs, goats, men...

Good night, Paolo.

There's only one sure cure for it.

What's that? Prayer?

No, it's making love.

It's highly recommended for insomnia and toothaches.

An excellent remedy.

You mean I should take a lover like a pill?

Good night. Give Valeria my best.

Valeria, she's already asleep.

Unfortunately for her, she cried herself to sleep.

Lucky girl.

Excuse me.

I came down for a drink and I find you instead.

The bar's right through that door.

Don't worry. I'm not staying Sorry I interrupted.

I think that remark was in poor taste.

Obviously you think you've trapped two adulterers.

No.

Yes, you do. Even at night we can't be honest with each other.

Honesty is ineffective, my dear and quite outmoded.

Its only place is in parlor games.

Yes? Then let's play a parlor game.

If you wish, play we will!

But how will we know who wins?

The winner is the one who embarrasses us in the worst possible way, who frightens and horrifies us.

What's the prize, then?

It's difficult to choose when you're as lazy as I am.

I'd rather you blindfold me you bandage my eyes.

I'll put out my hand, and the first man I find...

Let's play.

Paolo, don't pretend you're reading.

I never pretend, Gloria.

But really, I'm neither listening or reading.

Now we'll shuffle ourselves like a deck of cards.

Move around, Paolo.

Count to 10 so we can hide, and then get up and try to find us.

Gentlemen, I'm going to sleep

She's playing games with us as if we were children.

I guess the point of the game is that she's not going to bed with either one of us.

She leaves us both panting, hot and bothered like school kids.

Congratulations, Paolo. You've just won our game However, I'd appreciate it if you controlled yourself.

Get off the set, Gloria. This scene doesn't stop when you walk off.

Can't you forget I'm a movie actress for once!

Now we're supposed to feel sorry All she wants is fame, money, love...

And on top of that, she wants us to think she's a good girl If you don't shut up, Paolo, I'm going to let you have It.

Go ahead. Gloria will just love that She's a romantic at heart.

Good night

I would have sold my soul to make love to the lady in question.

She pleases me, this Gloria.

I'm attracted by her personality provocative and bewildering.

I find her moving, to say the least.

Thank you.

You know, my dear, the way I feel right now an aspirin is what I need more than a lover...

...especially one like Paolo.

And I don't have a movie-star complex I'm sorry, darling.

And I don't have a movie-star complex I'm sorry, darling.

Please help me to my room. I feel terribly faint all of a sudden.

Gloria! Are you in here? There. What's the matter?

I'll get her a drink. That'll fix her up.

What's the matter, darling?

Since when are you giving the prescriptions around here?

She liked it before. She had a gin before.

Be careful going up the stairs Be careful. Speed up the call to New York All right.

She simply must speak to her husband.

There. Oh, dear God, it's wonderful.

I'm delighted, the symptoms are quite clear Now, you two nurses get out of here Come on. Out, I said.

We don't need you. No men allowed here Hurry up. Out.

All right, all right, we're going Nothing like this will ever happen to me Paolo. Out!

Gloria, darling. Gloria, wake up.

Come on. You awake?

Gloria.

Do you feel better? Want a drink?

Let's put you under the covers You'll catch cold.

Once you're in bed, you'll feel better.

Wait. Now let me do that. Easy.

That's it. Fine. Relax. That's right.

Be sure to keep your feet warm.

My mother always said it was very important.

There we a re.

You're going to be all right Let me fix your pillow.

There.

I'm absolutely thrilled for you, darling.

Of course, you know what it is.

No. I don't.

Why, you're pregnant!

But, Valeria, I hope that Paolo hasn't told anyone.

The house will be surrounded with journalists.

Don't worry, Gloria.

Oh, dear God, let it be true.

Are you happy?

Listen, Gloria, you must keep calm.

You mustn't get upset. The baby wouldn't like it What an extraordinary day this has been.

I knew something like this was going to happen today because I had a premonition this morning an annunciation.

I thought perhaps it was for me but it was for you.

What would you think if I told you I wanted a divorce?

Don't ask me what I think about anything.

Don't you realize what a beast that man is?

He would have gladly gone to bed with you, in our own house, in my own bed!

He's a monster. I heard everything that was said, you know.

Maybe it's your husband.

You. You.

Hello.

Hello? Yes, this is Kitzbuhel.

What? No, it's Kitzbuhel here, not Zermatt.

Fine. Hang on, please

Just a minute. I'll put her on the line.

It's New York, darling. I'll leave you alone.

Give him my love. Bye-bye

Hello. Yes. Yes, it is.

Yes, Antonio. Hello, dear.

Yes, I got here today I know, I just felt like doing it I'm leaving tomorrow. I guess it's already tomorrow.

Light's coming in the window Are you all right, dear?

You. Pardon?

Yes, I slept a bit last night.

Is someone picking me up tomorrow in London?

Yes, but why go to Lisbon?

Yes. It doesn't matter. It'll be Lisbon, then.

Yes, I have seen Vogue.

Yes, listen, Antonio...

Listen...

But it's much too demanding There's something else.

Yes, it's important!

Yes. Sure, I'm happy about the role.

It must be important?

Yes. In fact it's wonderful.

Just wait till you hear this.

But I can only work until the end of February or March.

Yes, because I've got to be free for eight months.

You.

But I'm not mad. I'm sane at last!

You bet I'll tell them to go to hell and Paramount too, and even you.

I'm all right. You don't understand me, do you?

But look, dear. It's such a simple thing to understand.

I beg you. Please understand me.

Yes. Yes, Antonio, yes. That's what I want.

You, ht...

The public! What do I owe the public? What do I owe anybody?

The public, they're a bunch of hypocrites.

They'll spend money to buy whatever you've got, but they want it all, including a good conscience, for nothing.

Hint do you mean, "No"?

Let me talk, g*dd*mn you!

You're asking me to think about the other big stars, are you?

But they're just poor creatures sacrificed to the public.

Who can know what they want.

But now I know what I want and you can't stop me.

A year is an infity.

I won't wait for another year. I won't!

So I'm gambling a career.

It'll be over in three or four years, anyway It can't go on.

But for once I intend to do what I want to do.

And a year from now who knows what excuse you'd give.

And besides, I want this one and not another one.

This one's already alive.

And it'll stay alive.

I already name it.

Yes, I've named it after my father.

My friend, whoever told you was having fun at your expense because, I assure you, she's not here.

Get out of my house.

This stupid story that Gloria's here is not true.

Madam. What is it?

A helicopter just landed on the hill It did?

Good heavens! I'll never get rid of them.

Take it easy, boys. Calm down. Easy, eh?

Whose are these? Don't ask me.

Look, boys, you win.

Gloria's here, all right I insist on quiet and keep still, will you? Let me talk.

Now, nobody will he allowed to photograph her or talk to her because she's going to be here five months...

My God, what are you saying? Are you mad?

Gloria's getting out of here right now You understand me?

You're angry with her because she wouldn't go to bed with you, huh?

You shut your mouth.

Stop that. Don't you dare write that down you coward!

CIVIC SENSE

Break it up. What's going on here?

Be careful. He's hurt. Careful.

Get him out of the way.

Watch out. You all right? What happened?

Officer, I can drop him off at the hospital.

I'm dizzy.

I'm terribly sorry about it.

I'm bleeding.

I put my foot on the brake.

I'm not going to make it.

Don't worry Who did it?

Put him in here. Quick.

He really got smashed.

Where am I going? Don't worry, son. Don't worry.

Where's my truck? It's got a cow in it.

There's a fine woman. That's right Knows her civic duty, too.

I'm going to throw up They must have got me in the guts I am sick!

I'm going to pass out

Gosh, I feel awful.

Go easy, easy. Oh, boy, do I feel sick!

They say that you've got to keep talking.

If you go to sleep, you've had it.

I better start counting Five, three, four, one..

I'm so sleepy. Oh, God, I'm dying I can't see anymore. Everything's gone blank.

Holy mother, I'm dying!

Come on. Get the handkerchief off your face.

Hey, mister. Mister. Listen, mister...

Well?

Hey, you a lady?

You.

Pretty lady. If I didn't feel so sick...

Paid your car insurance? Boy, I better tell you who I am, because...

Torocci, Elio,Via della Ronocchia, 23.

My poor little Celia, she just turned 30.

I've always loved her. It makes me cry to think about it.

Madam, excuse me. Are you stopping here?

You stay right where you are.

Hey, be careful.

Hey, hey. Stop the car.

I feel like my head's out off.

Here's the first-aid station.

Hey! Let me out. Turn around Where are you going?

I don't care what hospital you go to They're all good.

We missed another hospital. Saint Giacomo was back there.

Where are you taking me? You're taking me to Saint Giovanni.

My head!

Where you going to fly?

I can't hear anything.

Help! Where's the hospital?

There! Didn't you see it?

There it is! it's beautiful.

Where are we going? What are you doing?

I've gone blind. I can't see anything.

Everything's gone black.

Hey, yesterday I was reading my horoscope.

It said, ''You going to have one big, lucky day''.

Maybe I read the wrong horoscope...

...or the guy who writes it is a son of a bitch.

Hey! What's the name of the guy who writes it?

I'm going to knock his block off.

I'm going to have one big, lucky day

Mister, you must not know Rome because you're headed in the opposite direction.

There are no hospitals out this way.

Please, mister, you're heading to the beach.

I don't want to interfere, but I'm sick and bleeding.

Please take me to a hospital before I faint.

Be nice, will you? Let me out at any hospital we come to.

I don't care if it's not a beautiful one.

Stop trying to find a beautiful one and let me lie down.

Be nice, will you?

I hit my head again.

Get out. It's the end of the line. Hurry up.

Come on, now.

Sorry, I got so worried. What hospital is it?

Hey, mister, is this a private clinic?

Listen. There's nothing wrong with you Look over there Where?

There's a place where you can get water and wash up a bit.

Do you think that's better? Goodbye, and thanks.

They'll have some water Where is it, mister?

It's over there.

That mister is a lady.

It's amazing. Can you believe it?

You're almost on time today.

I was very lucky. The streets were empty the way I came.

Hey, mister. Where am I?

I had a truck.

My truck... It's got a cow in it. A cow...

What happened?

Now I faint...

As seen from the moon, the main title of this movie is, in fact

"THE EARTH AS SEEN FROM THE MOON" It means nothing and nobody has made it.

But since we are on Earth we want you to know that it's only a fairy tale written by PIER PAOLO PASOLINI

Here lies Chrisantema, wife of Mr. Miao, born in 1901 and d*ed here three days ago Mama, you are the most beautiful woman of this graveyard. Amen.

My poor orphaned boy. Your mother kicked the bucket.

It's not my fault.

Those mushrooms did her in.

How often I said to her, Now be careful, Chrisantema.

'These are evil things you must avoid, little Chrisantema.

Listen to a silly old man, Chrisantema I was afraid it would happen And there was plenty of nice spinach that night, too.

I can't stand seeing you without a mother.

Don't worry. I've got a secret plan We'll duel. We'll duel against destiny.

I am regularly employed I own a house, don't I?

And, you know, speaking quite modestly...

I'm not a bad-looking fellow.

You're beautiful, I think.

Well, then we'll go look for a lady She's got to please us both.

She'll be the perfect spouse and mother, too.

You want a blonde or a brunette?

Brunette, brunette, brunette.

But I prefer blondes.

The essential is that she's not a redhead, right?

You, you, no niacin.

You see, Baciu, we'll make a pact you and I, eh?

She'll have to please the two of us.

I won't choose her if she doesn't appeal to you and you won't choose her if she doesn't appeal to me.

We'll go 50-50.

Rhat's fair, Papa. Man to man, am I right?

Let's shake on it.

Right outside the graveyard

Our first victim Boy!

Better watch out!

Say, Papa, comb your hair.

Be respectful, Baciu. She's some dead man's wife.

Good afternoon, madam. Our respects.

May I kiss your lily-white hand?

Help! Pardon us, madam.

Have mercy! Help! Help!

Quick, get up!

Run, Baciu. She might have k*lled her husband!

No, no, no. Not that. Dear God.

Look! What is it?

A beauty. She looks pretty.

Baciu. I've got to be careful, my boy She's got black hair. Will you go for it? You like brunettes.

She's a beauty, Pa. Better get going.

No. I think you should come, too A pact is a pact.

Good afternoon, miss. Do you mind if we sit down?

Five dollars.

Look!

Boy, what a woman.

A northerner.

How can I speak to her?

Go on, Papa. You can try. Go after her.

Miss... Lovely lady.

Beautiful lady. Divine lady!

Only a doll Ono your

Papa, we've both been tramping around for a year but we still haven't found Mama.

Well, my son, the creature we seek like a rare butterfly, lives one day only.

And if you don't catch her then you never will.

My son, life is just a dream, and our ideals are the reality.

What beautiful hair she has.

Look at her, Papa.

We've found the ideal girl.

And you didn't think we would you unbeliever.

We mustn't let her get away from us.

Go! Go on! Go on, Papa!

I'm too shy.

For God's sake, get going.

Madam. Madam.

Go on. Yes. Go.

It's for you. Pretty good, huh?

Would you like a hard-boiled egg?

Yes, you want one?

No. Allow me. My name's Ciancicato.

And my name is Baciu.

But please, won't you speak to me, please!

Sure. I know I'm an old man and you're a goddess of beauty.

Who can know how many men have adored you and adore you now.

My dear, compared to them I'm old, ugly and filthy poor.

But speak one word, one word only

Papa, she's deaf and dumb.

She is. Then I'm going to marry her.

You... Sex... Six... Female. We marry.

No! I've got it. Watch me explain it.

You and I, man and wife. Marry me.

She can't understand. Now look...

He says that he wants you to marry him.

Finger, finger, finger. Yes! Marry him Yes. Go on.

She said she would. She said she would.

Do you, Miss Absurdity, promise to be the faithful wife of Mister Ciancicato...

Miao.

Miao?

Miao. Miao, Miao.

Ciancicato Miao.

Do you, Miss Absurdity, take this man to be your lawful wedded husband?

Ciancicato Miao, do you promise to take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife till death do you part?

You.

I now pronounce you man and wife That's all. You're married now.

Goodbye, then. Thanks. Come along, dear.

Look, my darling Absurdity There's our little nest.

This is what you call a panoramic neighborhood.

As you can see, we have everything lights, sewers, drinking water.

Understand? Drinking water.

Our little nest is no palace I know that you see it's a question of no money.

My adorable wife.

But, dear, there aren't any cockroaches.

Good morning

Soon afterwards...

It's a miracle. It's just like being in St. Peter's.

Absurdity. Darling Absurdity My Absurdity.

Adorable girl! My dear! My wife! Hurray for Absurdity!

Men are never satisfied with what they have and MR. MIAO is no exception!

FOR SALE

I got an idea. Grand, gorgeous

You don't understand?

It's the way we'll get money to buy the house.

Wait a minute!

Papa! We get it!

We get it!

We'll make a collection. We'll even accept checks.

We'll make a collection. Yes, yes.

We're on stage.

Absurdity. Absurdity!

What are you doing it for? I need you, Mama darling. Don't jump!

Don't jump. Stop. Hold on up there Stop, I tell you.

My wife! My wife!

Mama! Mama!

My wife, my angel, my beloved! Don't jump!

She says she has four sons with tuberculosis and three others with polio

and that's why she's committing su1c1de.

But why should you care? Why should you care?

Mama, Mama

She's telling you that rather than watch her babies dying she'd drop dead right here in front of your very eyes.

But why should you care? But why should you care?

Let's take up a collection.

Sure, a little collection. Let's take a collection, okay?

Save a life. Come on. Here's my dough.

Thank you, sir. Thank you, thank you.

More than that? No?

Yes, she says that she'll also take checks.

Checks, you hear? She'll also take checks.

Yes, she's telling you that you ought to make it a group su1c1de.

There's plenty of room for everybody in the graveyard.

But here on this weary Earth, there's only room for scoundrels cowards, thieves, ruffians and misers.

I said misers!

Come on, folks! Shell out!

Now she's saying she doesn't want to live She only wants to die.

It's in her brain and now it's gotten stuck there.

It's in her brain and now it's gotten stuck there.

Oh': lolly load.

Here lies Absurdity What a masterpiece I planned!

But she could watch her step! She was so good, poor thing, like an angel!

She was so tall and so small, like a child! She was a saint, she never talked, but she said everything. I can't go on. We are done! Amen.

Absurdity Mama.

My sweetheart.

Baciu and me are left all alone. Why?

I can't go on anymore. I just can't go on

Why did you run away?

Well, I just ran after you.

Did you see anything?

No, not really.

Fine.

Go on, Baciu.

You'll have to excuse me, Papa I've got to go, you know.

Control yourself. You can go tomorrow.

What about our pact? We have to stick to each other, don't we?

Stay calm!

May I enter? It's Miao.

Papa, it's quiet

You're laughing

That's right

You...

You're dead, aren't you? Buried?

So, you're dead and buried.

Wait! Son of a... Don't leave me alone!

Wait! Help! Save me. Save us.

At noon...

Who, me? I guess she must think I'm nuts.

Are you about the same as you were when you were alive?

But can you cook?

And scrub out the pots and pans? Can you?

But can you Can you eat?

Absurdity, can you drink?

And what a bout...

You... Papa, excuse me for laughing.

You can sleep with Papa?

Such a wonderful thing has never happened before.

It's a miracle. Yet you're scared to accept it.

Well, happiness...

...is happiness.

Come on, Baciu. Let's go home.

Go ahead.

She's real, Baciu, no questions asked.

Absurdity! My darling wife.

It's good to have you back!

The moral is: To be dead or alive is the same thing.

THE GIRL FROM SICILY

Niccolo..

Assassin!

Daughter, are you home?

Daughter! Father!

Who is that man? You're hiding him from me.

Well? Who is that man? I'll never tell.

Give it to me! Give it to me, do you hear?

That's funny. I don't recognize him.

Who is he? Talk!

Tell me who he is! What did he do to you?

I'll never tell Tell me!

Tell me, or I'll wring your neck I would sooner have my tongue dry out or let serpents eat my gizzard, or be ripped apart by wolves No, I refuse to speak!

So, you won't speak No.

Proud and noble, aren't you, daughter?

Like your father, you're hardheaded stubborn as a bull.

But for this time...

Father!

Daughter.

Since you've insisted, I'll tell you what he did.

I'm listening It was the day of Saint Riparata Suddenly, he looked at me at the midnight mass for Santa Capuana.

He greeted me. I know.

He spoke out loud?

No, but he touched his cap.

I can't believe my ears.

The feast of dear Saint Calogere an eye was winked!

Yours? No, his. In that wink was a message.

Santa Punta Rosalia.

I was quite upset It was impossible to rest until the day of Santa Restituita It was impossible to rest until the day of Santa Restituita when I saw him near Santo Nastasio...

...in a crowd that was really immense he was in the distance.

But watch this. He made this gesture at me.

He made that gesture? To me. I swear.

But it's like pledging an engagement Absolutely. Yes, it kindled a fire in me.

But on the feast day of dear Santa Catera, he ran away from me as quick as he could...

...and hid in the pool hall.

Since then, he's avoided me.

He ran away with all of my cherished hopes and prayers.

Now I understand why you got so thin I'm dried and drained. I feel as if I'm going to be consumed by death just like my dear Saint Theodulinda of the Seven Sorrows.

I was led astray. He betrayed me with his black heart. Vile, cruel seducer.

His name! Never.

His name, or I'll k*ll you No man can make me tell, even If you klll me.

Shall I rip this secret out of you stubborn, hardheaded girl, proud and noble daughter?

All right. You're worthy of your father's name.

Father. Daughter.

Since you really insist, I'll tell you I'm listening to you The name of the horrible monster who did me this wrong is Niccolo.

Niccolo who? May the Blessed Virgin forgive me.

Niccolo who?

He's from Basilico, around Schiro I won't tell any more.

So it's Niccolo Paterno!

BASILICO FARM

Niccolo.

Assassins.

Cruel fate! Cruel murders!

Who is responsible for this? Who?

Why did you do it?

Blood spilled all over the land. But why?

Blood, blood, blood!

Papa, my darling Papa. Why'd you k*ll my cousin?

Cousin, darling cousin. Brother, darling brother.

Why did you k*ll our dear uncle?

Father, brother, sons, uncles, cousins all m*rder*d.

All m*rder*d like miserable dogs.

You have abandoned your women.

Why did you do it?

A NIGHT LIKE ANY OTHER

Wake up! Look at me, look at me!

You don't seem to have noticed that I've changed my hair!

You don't notice anything anymore!

I could greet you in the nude when you come home and you wouldn't notice!

It's been a year since you brought me flowers, a year, you know?

Would you like some fruit, dear?

Thanks.

This is the way I like it best.

And a little more whiskey, darling.

If you pour it, it tastes better.

If this keeps up I'll do something crazy.

I'll cheat on you with the first man I see l'm young. l'm beautiful. I can do anything you like I can overcome any obstacle I can live in a hut!

But I need love, love, love! But you've become blind, deaf, mute!

You're dead asleep, wake up!

Don't drink too much, dear It'll make you sleepy.

You Americans are like that.

Carlo, I've made an important decision.

My mother will agree, and my father naturally, that's understood.

But only your opinion, my love really matters.

I've decided to stop wearing my glasses...

...and to get contact lenses. You'd like that, wouldn't you?

You Americans invented them.

Darling, suit yourself.

Thanks, dear.

Suit yourself, suit yourself! Slap my face, hug me, do anything, in short, but “Suit yourself.” Suit yourself, suit yourself!

Listen, thousands of people get too little sleep. Right here in the papers.

You know, there's always bad news because people don't get enough sleep.

I, who think I'm a decent person, I am a good person, isn't that true?

Isn't that true? Well, of course!

Right. When I sleep enough But when I'm sleepy, I get mean, unpleasant.

Listen to those horns.

Even here they're an obsession.

Would you mind closing the shutter, darling?

There's hate inside, no civility Cannibals! No, even cannibals can find some good in humanity.

Not so easy to do. Thanks.

Darling, I'd prefer you'd tell me in other words, loud and clear, that again this evening you have no desire to go out you prefer going to sleep.

But I'm looking at the film guide.

Adriano. The Bible, Epic of Magic.

Ambassador, Virgins Prefer Milk. Barberini, The Adventures of...

You've made me lose interest.

You're a funeral, Carlone You're monotonous.

Then you should have married someone more eloquent.

I don't even know how to be eloquent. I'll have to go.

Once you read musically in a different tone, in rhythms that have changed Giovanna, let's go to the movies! To the movies!

To the movies!

Well, the real truth is, you've changed my dearest.

Me?

You never used to say to me You we changed, you we changed I II Now you do. Therefore, it's you who have changed.

But my darling, you've become someone else.

Sometimes I don't recognize you.

I ask myself, "Is that him? Could it really be?"

You'll never believe it, but this evening I wanted to buy you roses.

To come home with a rose.

The thought was enough, dear?

I was about to stop at the flower shop but... 10, 20, 100 cars behind me, ...pushing and shoving, impossible to stop.

No more liberty, no more independence Always...

Carlo! What?

Quiet! Remember the children.

It's certain that all the objectives that my party...

If there was ever a man who's always the same, it's me.

House and office, office and house coming and going.

We were counting up yesterday at the office...

Do you know that eight of the 10 colleagues have mistresses?

Only Petrosini and I don't. Petrosini stutters, stutters terribly He couldn't... He'd say to a woman "I love you." It's laughable.

And by the time he'd finished saying it the girl would be dressed and ready to go home.

But what did you ask me, Giovanna? Do you need something?

No, nothing, Carlo. Let's not talk about it anymore. It doesn't matter.

The Earth, the Earth The Earth will ha ye no boundaries The Earth, the Earth The Earth will bring us good fortune The moon, the moon To us belongs the future

You hurt me! You hurt me. You hurt me.

I want to hurt you. I want to destroy you, annihilate you devour you, gobble you up.

Carlo?

Do you remember when you told me you wanted...

What?

To gobble me up

I said "gobble you up?" No, darling That's a verb I've never used and never will.

Don't lie, Carlonaccio.

You're the type who, if I die, after a month you ll remarry.

A month?

Well, how long, then? Be honest. I know you'll get remarried again.

How long after, then?

Darling, these are absurd questions Answer!

Five years, six.

And that seems a long time to you?

Seven, eight...

But once you would've said 20, 30!

Believe me, love, on the whole your feelings are callused.

But so very, very different! Just remember, for example, 1959, what a big deal!

And then came 1962, a little bit less. Less. Less.

And then always less Always less! Always less!

A turnaround.

To be precise, your affections are 70% callused.

What happened?

Nothing. A glass. The last of the set.

And the others?

Lucia broke all those. She's broken twenty three.

Twenty-three?

Then let's get a new maid.

Well, she's getting married. In the spring.

Maybe another dozen, no more.

Getting married? Nobody tells me anything anymore A fine boy.

He's a butcher. But crazy in love.

Just think, a butcher.

Always covered in blood, like a steak.

Always with a Kn*fe in his hand. Spends all he makes on cologne.

When he comes to pick up Lucia he's bathed in cologne.

I'd like to know just what lam in this house. Really!

There're always talking about women's liberation, even the UN.

The truth is we're just slaves.

And they're sultans! Our society is like a harem

We expect so much from America and look at this one!

He came to Italy and turned out worse than the rest.

Well, what does he think he is, this lard?

What in the world does he think he is?

What do you think you are?

You've never seen yourself get up in the morning.

What a face you have, you look like a mess.

You've never seen yourself pulling out nose hairs.

But, yes, you're well preserved, you're still young, you're handsome Handsome? Gorgeous! Fascinating. But emotionally, you're an old shoe.

And old shoe.

But you've never seen yourself talking on the phone with your boss

” Yes, sir. Perfectly, sir. Consider it done, sir.

“Rest assured, sir. My respects, sir''.

Hypocrite, you're a hypocrite, too But you've never seen yourself at the table.

How refined you are, what manners. That delicate touch.

Your breeding is evident.

Starting tomorrow, I'll never put toothpicks on the table again.

Lout!

Butcher, you said? I'm certainly not prejudiced regarding social class.

If my son wanted to be a butcher I'd have no objection.

Everyone should do his own thing.

Don't be ironic. It's a fact that whatever poetry in this world remains...

...between a man and a woman you'll find only in a butcher.

And speaking of your son I must tell you that he's taking the wrong road.

Look at what he reads. Look.

He reads nothing else. And even the television says it's fine.

Television? Well, then, it's not true.

There are men! You, on the other hand bore people to death.

Giovanna!

Set me free! Set me free... These are men.

Giovanna!

Giovanna, think of the children.

Giovanna, think of the children!

Giovanna, think of the children! Think of the family!

We have an obligation to think of the children.

This should be our dominant thought.

Why don't we call it a night? Saturday I'll take you to the theater, huh?

Great.

My legs are broken. The boss had me on my feet for an hour this morning.

He never quit talking. He's sitting behind the desk and I'm standing there.

What would it cost him to ask me to sit down?

He gets a sadistic pleasure from keeping his employees standing Humanity's divided into the seated and the standing.

And then they're surprised that every once in a while a b*mb goes off.

I'm getting sleepy.

Really sleepy

Let's go Let's go get under the cool, soft, white covers.

And my wife must come with me It's like a voyage on a ship. Let's go, let's go, onto morning

0 dour, moot, lilo inn.

Wake up, survivor! Cold fish, jetsam! Vegetable!

You know who complimented me this morning on my new hairdo?

Who?

Domeniconi.

Did you remember to set the alarm for 7:00?

There was a time when I only had to mention Domeniconi and you'd jump like a frog Yes, but with time one improves. Me, jealous of a dope like Domeniconi.

And besides, after 10 years of marriage...

What do you mean? That it's all over?

No! I just mean... There must be trust Without trust, there's no...

But trust shouldn't keep you from noticing that today I had my hair lightened.

Yes, yes. I've noticed it's lighter.

It's not lighter. Actually, I've darkened it How you lie.

What do you want from me? ls a hairdo important? Hair color?

Excuse me, when is this? I'm a modern man, not a cave dweller.

Com e here, love.

Before the end of the year, the two of us will take a vacation.

A whole month, just the two of us.

A whole month, just the two of us.

We'll go up to the top of a mountain hole up in a hotel...

...and make love all day and all night.

I won't even shave.

We'll live on yogurt out of cartons.

They'll slide the mail under the door we won't answer.

Love, love, night and day.

I don't want to see anyone else, darling I want to see only your face, your mouth and your eyes, your throat, your legs, this and this.

All dear, unique, beautiful.

We'll go in as fat as two pigs and we'll come out as dry as two herrings.

We've let our relationship slide but we'll catch up, you'll see.

Believe me, it's all society's fault Everyone needs his own chair, maybe small, but chairs.

No, love, in Cortina we'll bar the door hang the "Do Not Disturb" sign If anyone rings, I'll sh**t him.

I'll kiss you a new way.

Because it may not seem like it, but I think about that, you know?

I'm always thinking Even in the office, dreaming up new things.

Like the triple kiss. It's beautiful, the triple kiss.

Yes, flowers, chairs, armchairs for everyone.

It'll be marvelous. Divine. Night and day.

Look, dear, it's not just for the thing itself don't misunderstand me.

I could be, even for a month, chaste and pure as a nun.

But we women need...

...proof. You understand?

It's the heart that demands it even if it seems otherwise.

You 're selfish, a poor, finished man

And you think that I'm over the hill, too.

But you're wrong I'm still young.

I'm young!

You're wrong!

I'm sexy!

You're wrong, I'm sexy! Cuckold!

Where is he?

Cuckold

Cuckold What's his name? Come on, I want to know his name! Confess!

Tell me his name, tell me his name...

...or I'll strangle you! The name!

Antonio, Sergio, Enrico, Michele, Pepino, Giovanni Federico, Aldovico, Marco Claudio, Cesare, Alberto, Dino, Guillermo, Armando Tomaso, Domeniconi!

Here!

Adriano, Felice, Alessio, lgnazio, Rinaldo, Giacinto...

Umberto, Luca, Pietro, Donato, Oreste, Francesco, Achille, Bruno...

When I walk down the street, everyone, but everyone watches me.

Giovanna!

Orla? Where are you going? Where are you going, Orla?

You must come back. Orla, come! Orla, come back!

Mario! Papa!

Luigino!

Carlo!

What's wrong?

You're snoring You woke me up just to tell me that?

I work like a dog to bring home 300 thousand lira a month, I don't have the right to snore?

I have to get up tomorrow morning at 7:00.

Understand? At 7:00!

But what's the matter with you? You've been nervous for a while now.

You should take a nice cup of chamomile tea in the evening before bed.

Okay, you know what I'll do?

Tomorrow I'll buy you lots of chamomile.

You can drink it for breakfast lunch and dinner.

I love you, I love you, I love you

I love you. I love you.

THE END