Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Morning, norm.
Morning, Sam.
Coffee's on.
Great. Any calls?
Mm-mmm.
Mmm. Vera called this morning.
Oh, yeah? You guys going to patch it up?
No. She just wanted to reach out and nag someone.
Come on, admit it, norm. You miss her.
Yeah, yeah, I do miss her.
As a matter of fact, Sam, there's only one thing that keeps me from taking her back right now.
She kicked you out on your butt.
Right.
Sammy, I appreciate you letting me crash here for a while.
Don't mention it.
When I get back on my feet, I insist on paying you some kind of rent, all right?
Hey, come on, norm, it's not necessary.
Come on, I have my pride to consider, please.
All right. You can pay me $1.00 a month.
For what?
All right. How about 50 cents?
Fine, but no cleaning deposit.
We're low on cream, Sam.
I'll get right on it.
No rush, no rush.
♪ Making the way in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you've got ♪
♪ taking a break from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you like to get away ♪
♪ sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always glad you came ♪
♪ you want to be where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles are all the same ♪
♪ you want to be ♪
♪ where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ you want to go where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you want to go where everybody knows your name ♪
Coach, do you know who that is?
Who, the guy with d*ck cavett?
Coach, that's d*ck cavett.
Yeah, it is him.
Yeah, lecturer, talk-show host, raconteur, short guy.
Kind of cute for a brainiac.
[Sam] I used to watch him on pbs.
You watch pbs?
Well, sure.
There's that one show I used to love in particular.
Which one?
The one with all the girls answering the phones.
I wonder what d*ck cavett's doing in Boston.
I don't like the look on her face.
I haven't seen one I do like.
Look at this. What a shame.
Scooter mcgrath d*ed. Heart att*ck.
Oh. Who was he, coach?
An old teammate of mine, Carla.
Nice guy.
Oh, coach, I'm sorry to hear that.
Yeah, you know, scooter had a lot of bad habits.
He probably got himself out of shape.
There you go. Just goes to show you.
Everybody needs a little bit of exercise.
Yeah, I could sure use something.
What do you recommend?
You could do what I do.
It's prehensile isotonic geometrics.
Huh?
Prehensile isotonic geometrics.
What is it?
It's muscle tension under constant contraction.
The beauty of it is you can do it anytime, anywhere, but you don't perspire.
You want to give it a sh*t here, coach?
Yeah, sure.
Ok, so choose a muscle, when I say go, flex it for 60 seconds, all right?
Right. 1, 2, 3, go.
Uh-oh. I saw this on twilight zone once.
Excuse me. I couldn't help noticing.
You're d*ck cavett.
Ah, well, I couldn't help being d*ck cavett.
Ah, wit. My ears hunger for it.
Being an aspiring poetess, I, of course, enjoyed your interviews with all those wonderful writers and poets.
I'll never forget the night that that Russian poet decided to defect on your stage.
Yeah, that was a great moment.
Upset the cleaning crew a little.
Oh, you goose!
So, what brings you to our hostelry?
Well, if you must know, and I gather you must, I'm doing a book-signing party over at the Plaza.
Yes, yes, your new book. It's wonderful.
Have you read it?
No. I can only imagine.
You must have a lot of close and dear friends who are in the publishing world.
A few.
Wouldn't it be a great thrill for you to run across a budding poetic genius?
Only if I were wearing cleats.
You don't know how I welcome your sense of humor in this desert of banality.
I wouldn't call this a desert. No?
No, a desert would be an easier place to get a drink.
Oh, yes.
What can I get for you?
Time's up, coach.
So, did it work, coach?
No. Cliff, I was trying to flex my gall bladder, but I remembered it's in Providence.
That's the stupidest exercise system I ever saw.
Yeah, stupid like a fox.
How do you keep so trim, Carla?
Sex.
You mean sex is the greatest exercise?
Nah. I miss it so much, I can't eat.
"We ran together.
"Spring set the pace through the wild Heather's bloom.
"We stopped, "transfixed by a mayfly's flight.
"Is love not such, but easier to capture?
"A bug, you said, "crushing it.
I smiled, but just a little."
Well, what did you think?
Well, it's, uh... Ahem...
It could use a little bit of, um...
What shall I say? It needs a little...
Ambiguity, tension, and paradox?
Exactly.
I think I've solved that with ephemera ii.
Ahem.
"The sky was gossamer... Diane...
Filling the world with..."
Diane, somebody wants you at another table.
Who?
Everybody at this one.
Oh, Sam...
Come on, scoot. Go on.
I'm sorry about that, Mr. Cavett.
She gets a little overexcited sometimes.
Ah, that's all right. Happens all the time.
I'm Sam Malone, I'm the owner of the bar here.
You want anything, just call me, all right?
Hey, wait.
Sam Malone. Yeah.
You played baseball?
Yeah, that's right. You remember me?
Sure. I saw you pitch once in yankee stadium.
Is that right? Did I have a good night?
I hope so. You had a lousy day.
As I remember you hit three batters and gave up back-to-back homers.
You remember that game?
I had a drinking problem back in those days.
There are a few things I don't remember like, uh... Oh, 1974, 1975.
'75... the year you won the pennant.
We did? Hey! How about that?
Is that right?
Well, you certainly seem fine now.
Yeah, well, I finally kicked it.
Listen, if you want anything, you just give a holler.
O.k., Sam.
Say, uh, Sam, I want to thank you for everything.
You bet.
A pleasure meeting you.
Say, um...
Has it ever occurred to you that there might be some public interest in your life story?
Oh, you mean because of my baseball career and my battle against alcohol and the irony of owning a bar now?
Right.
Never crossed my mind.
How about this? Type out 50 pages, submit it to me, and I'll show it to a publisher.
They're always looking for a good story.
Hey, that's great.
Why are you doing this for me?
Well, I like to encourage young writers, you know, especially one who has the potential of being inferior to me.
Hey, thank you very much, Mr. Cavett.
Hey, guys, hear that?
Mr. Cavett's gonna help me get my life story published.
Way to go.
Diane, did you...
The man was just starting to fall under the thrall of my poetry when you distracted him with your own miserable life.
Come on, sweetheart, it wasn't anything like that.
I mean, it was his idea.
Well, it's still ridiculous.
Sam, the written word is very special to me.
To you, it's nothing more than a means of finding the men's room.
Whoa, whoa.
Come on. Listen.
I wrote pretty good in high school.
You didn't write pretty good.
You wrote pretty well.
Gee, I wish she'd make up her mind.
Whoa, wait a second here.
Listen, I got an idea.
You're a pretty goo... Well writer.
Why don't we, uh...
Listen, why don't you help me write this thing?
Please?
You're just feeling sorry for me.
No, I'm not. Listen, I'm not.
Come here. Come here.
Look, uh, I threw away my chance to be a famous guy once.
Maybe you could, uh, help me this time. Please?
Well, it would be good experience.
However, I would insist on an "as told to" credit.
O.k. Hey, listen, I think this is gonna be great.
You and I make such a wonderful team in every other way.
Oh, come on, Sam, do you want to fool around or do you want to write?
Well, I thought I could do one and you could do the other.
Let's get started.
All right.
Moonglow?
Moonglow Peterson, is that you?
It's me, Wally bodell!
Wally bodell? From Dean acheson high?
One and the same.
Well, I'll be.
I haven't seen you since high school.
You put on a few pounds, pal.
You lost a few.
Yeah. You know, I work out a little bit, you know?
It's good seeing you, moonglow.
Good to see you. Moonglow, huh?
Yeah, we wrestled together in high school.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, and at the state tournament, his opponent accidentally yanked off norm's trunks.
Don't laugh.
That's how I first caught Vera's eye.
Let me get you a beer.
Oh, I got some.
Oh, good, good.
Old Vera. Boy.
You know, norm and I competed for Vera all through high school.
Yeah, whatever happened to her, huh, norm?
I married her.
Married the hell out of her.
Actually, Wally, Vera and I are kind of separated right now.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Oh, that's too bad.
Hey, you wouldn't mind if I just sort of dropped by and said hello to her, would you?
Mind? Hell, no.
She's nothing to me now.
Don't worry about it.
Yeah, that's right. He's going out with a girl that's a lot better than that old Vera, that old hag.
And you can tell her, too.
You're damn right.
What's her name?
It's, uh...
Tanya.
Right, right. Tanya.
Yeah, Tanya cocoabutter.
Hey, you sure you don't mind if I drop by on Vera?
Sure.
All right. I got to go.
Nice meeting you, cliff. Hey, Wally.
Yeah, take care, Wally.
All right.
Hey, don't mention it, norm.
Say, norm, when are you gonna bring Tanya by here?
Hey, normie, normie, what's the long face for?
What's the matter?
You guys don't know Wally like I do.
He moves fast.
Wonder if Vera will let me kiss the bride at their wedding.
I'm sure she will, normie.
She didn't at ours.
Of course, you know, I didn't try that hard.
Boy, I feel terrific.
Been exercising, coach?
Yeah. I just came back from doing some laps in the pool.
How many you up to?
Huh? Three. It takes about an hour.
Coach, that's kind of slow, isn't it?
I could run a hell of a lot faster if they got the water out of there.
Well, you know what they say, coach...
Healthy body, healthy mind...
Pick one you got a good sh*t at.
I never felt better.
I feel 20 years old again.
Good for you, coach.
Carla, listen, I betcha I could do handstand pushups right now, and I haven't done any in years.
I'm going to try it.
Coach, you be careful there. You might hurt something.
I got to try it, cliffo!
Oh!
Wow!
Now let me try it one-handed!
I still got the old touch!
Coach, what the hell are you doing?
Handstand pushups, like I used to do in spring training.
Coach, you never did handstand pushups in spring training.
That was Johnny Driscoll.
Oh, yeah, Johnny Driscoll.
[Glass clatters]
Are you o.K.?
Yeah, Carla, I'm o.K., thanks to Sam.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, I got a kick out of it.
Yeah.
Don't worry about it.
I'll be here.
Yeah.
Who was that on the phone?
Wally bodell. I guess he didn't like my little prank.
[Cliff] Whoa, what'd you do?
I told the cops he was holding dope.
You'd think the guy had never been strip-searched before.
What a sorehead.
Normie, how could you do a thing like that, huh?
Guy was getting on my nerves.
He's really putting the moves on Vera.
Every time I drive by the house, his damn car's in the driveway.
Oh, so, he's coming down here now?
Yeah, we're going to talk things over a little bit.
Good idea, norm. You have a little talk, you punctuate it with a fist in his face.
Whoa. Oh. Hey, she might have a point there, normie.
I mean, you've sort of hit bottom now, so it's time to make repairs, fix the old engine, and get back out on that highway.
Don't tell me you wrecked your car, too, norm.
Coach, it's a metaphor.
Those are the hardest to get parts for.
Ooh! Oh! Hey, Diane, he's here.
Uh, Mr. Cavett.
Richard.
Oh, yeah. Hi.
Thanks for coming on down. This is great.
Say, I'm a little late for a meeting, so I can't stay very long, Sam, but I thought you'd be anxious to hear the verdict.
Guilty. Ha ha!
I'm sorry.
We're both a little bit nervous.
What did you think?
Well, I, uh, I thought the writing was competent, a little undisciplined in places, but, still, it has a certain energy to it.
Oh!
Thank you.
I take it you're Sam's co-author...
Miss, uh, Jessica Simpson-bourget.
Diane chambers.
I was only hiding behind that nom de plume until I made sure that you liked it.
I did just find that out, didn't I?
How can I put this, Jessica? It, uh...
You don't like it?
Well, I liked it.
It, uh, shows a great deal of promise.
But you're not going to give it to your publisher.
Well, I'm afraid not.
How come?
Well, I sounded him out about it, but he feels it's a little tame, not controversial enough.
Well, what about the booze problem?
Well, I guess booze isn't enough these days.
Maybe 10 years ago.
But nowadays, they're looking for something a little more spicy...
dr*gs, h*m*, a little perversion.
Well, I'm sorry I didn't get out more.
You know what, though, there is an inference here that you were a bit of a playboy during your career.
Playboy? Hell, yes. I...
Well, kind of.
Well, as I say, you seemed to kind of shy away from that in here, and, well, the cold fact is sex sells.
Now, of course, my publisher wouldn't be interested in it, but there are plenty who would, and it might be worth the chance.
Anyway, I'll say good-bye. I got to run along.
O.k.
Well, thank you anyway for coming down here, Mr. Cavett.
Oh, sure. Sure.
Ta-ta, Richard.
Well, uh, hey.
What do you say we get started here, huh?
Started on what?
Well, on what Mr. Cavett was talking about here, spicing this thing up a little.
Sam.
I'm not going to have my first published manuscript be a memoir full of luridities.
No, sweetheart. I think what he was talking about was...
I know what he was talking about.
Hey. Hey, come on, Diane.
If we get published, this could mean a whole new life for me.
For you, too. Huh?
Well...
No, no. I would never prost*tute my talents that way.
Well, would Jessica Simpson-bourget?
That little smut peddler?
In a minute.
I got some paper in the office.
O.k.
If they want steam, I'll give them steam.
We'll use every w*apon in my literary arsenal to make their tongues hang out in unbridled desire.
Coach, we don't want to be bothered.
Who does?
Norm.
He's here.
Here comes black Bart.
This town ain't big enough for both of you.
Of course, what town is?
You wanted to see me, moonglow?
Go get him, norm.
Yeah, I wanted to... Just talk.
Talk's cheap. Throw some hands.
He wants you to leave his woman alone.
So you don't like me seeing Vera, huh?
No! No!
I'm not, uh, real wild about it, frankly.
There's something you ought to know, norm.
I like Vera a lot.
Yeah? How did you like the state trooper with the icy hands?
It had its moments.
You know, you're as big a dink as you were in high school, Peterson.
Remodel his face.
Positions.
Oh, you're in trouble, bodell.
Hey. Wait.
Come on, you guys.
Get him! Get him!
Take this outside, will ya?
Back off, coach. I'm fighting for my woman.
Yeah. Winner gets Vera.
Get him, norm!
It's, uh, not exactly Frazier-Ali, is it?
Give?
Naw. You?
No.
Coach, a glass of water, please.
Boy, can I write.
[Grunting]
1, 2, 3.
It's over.
I did it.
Way to go, normie.
Now, take what's left of your self-respect and clear out of here.
All right, moonglow. All right, you b*at me, just like you used to in high school.
We're still friends?
Hey, don't let a 7 1/2-hour hug give you the wrong idea.
Congratulations, norm. You won Vera.
Who?
Oh, yeah, that's who we were fighting for.
I'll have to tell her about it when I see her.
Norm, go to that phone and call Vera.
Yeah.
Guess I should.
I'd rather have a trophy, but...
Boy, does she write good.