02x03 - Valhalla Can Wait

[bunniefuu]

Iron Man: Is my armor on straight?

Welcome, I'm Meagan Mclaren and sitting across from me, is none other than the invincible Iron Man himself, Tony Stark.

"Invincible" is a tad overblown.

I'll also accept invulnerable, indomitable, and irresistible.

Tell me, what were you feeling as the Mayor declared "Avengers' day" at the parade?

He even gave you the keys to the city.

Well, honored, of course.

You know, it's nice when my hard work gets noticed...

(Growls)

I mean "our" hard work.

(Chuckles and sighs)

Meagan: Tell me your thoughts on the festivities, Captain.

What can I say? We do what we can, when we can.

And we do it with pride.

Avengers' day? Yeah, whatever.

Have you tried this cake? It is amazing.

I mean, how can one not feel stoked?

I'm still geeking out over here!

How about a smile?

I am smiling.

Hulk's strongest there is. Nuff said.

Actually, Thor claimed he's stronger.

Your response?

Two words. Hulk strongest.

But Thor has lightning and a hammer.

You just have... what?

Big fists?

Yes!

(Growls)

So, Hulk says he's the strongest. Thoughts?

Ha! Hulk is a worthy competitor, but I think we all know how any competition would end.

(Roars)

(Roaring)

We've really got to get stronger walls.

(Shutters clicking)

(Thor laughs)

Come, friend Hulk, taste the might of Mjolnir and witness your better.

Would we be able to gloss over this part? 'Cause...

(Whistles casually)

Avengers, assemble.

Fight on, brother!

Let loose the competition that burns in you!

Show us the great warrior of Asgard!

(Both grunting)

I can't control it!

Thor! Your lightning!

(Grunts)

End this!

With pleasure!

Hulk!

Way ahead of ya.

You're welcome.

(Screams)

What? My breath?

(Sniffs)

Mint?

Something's not right.

Where'd that Bugle reporter go?

Iron Man: What were you thinking?

You just endangered the lives of a dozen people.

And for what?

An arm-wrestling contest?

Rage issues.

What's your excuse?

Apologies, Stark. Our friendly competition, while the Asgardian way, got out of hand...

Meagan: The famous Asgardian way...

Tell me, is this the same "friendly competition" that turned your own brother, Loki, into an outcast?

Hardly. Loki and I lived to compete as children.

I do not know when that changed for him.

Meagan: Maybe it was never as "friendly" as you thought, but Hulk, you were incredible!

(Groans)

You're a hero!

Come again?

Aye! We are all heroes!

You may have lightning, and a giant block of stone on a wood stick, but you're no Hulk.

Hear that, Goldilocks?

Not Hulk.

(Growls)

(Screams)

Power down, Thor! This isn't the place.

Hulk, stop taunting him.

Just playing.

Hulk! You dare?

(Grunts)

(All screaming)

Thor: Take heed!

I am no fool, Hulk!

But what I am is mightier!

Show me.

You guys, knock it off. This isn't Asgard.

Your constant competition puts people at risk and has got to stop.

The only way for it to stop is to finally answer the question on everyone's mind.

"Who's stronger, Thor or Hulk?"

Is she trying to destroy New York, or what?

These warriors are bent on battle.

If there was only a place that they could pursue the glory of combat without worry of inflicting damage.

Does she sound like someone we know?

Thor: Agreed, caster of news. Heimdall! Portal!

To Valhalla.

Come, Hulk! There are many arenas for glorious battle in Asgard.

We shall lay claim to who is the strongest once and for all!

Lead the way.

(Laughs wickedly)

And there we are.

Now, Hawkeye.

It's simply precious seeing your rodent wheel excuses for brains spin endlessly.

Loki, what did you do with Hulk and Thor?

Oh, they're on a one-way trip to the afterlife.

After all, only the strongest belong in Valhalla.

Let's see how mighty you are without your mightiest!

So, are we talking Valhalla, as in...

As in where Asgardian warriors go when they fall in battle and don't come back.

(Yawns)

(Swords clinking)

Greetings, Hela, Queen of Valhalla.

And here I thought my day couldn't get any less interesting.

You once told me of dreams, aspirations to behold the greatest spectacle to ever grace this realm.

Time's long since passed.

And what if I brought such a spectacle?

Speak plainly, Loki.

Outside battle Earth's two greatest warriors.

They compete for the right to claim the mantle of strongest.

Friend Hulk, something is amiss.

No, you're losing.

This is not a place in Asgard that I recognize.

Don't care.

Beast!

(Roars)

Marvelous, no?

Incredible.

How would you like to see the winner battle for eternity?

But what do you seek for this display?

You have something I lack and hope to borrow for but a moment.

Told you. Capes? Stupid.

Says the animal in torn bottoms.

(Groans)

Puny illusion. Where are we?

Odin's beard!

Valhalla.

Heimdall! Portal! Ala-kazam?

Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo?

(Groans)

Hey, whiz-kid, find me a portal, would ya?

(All exclaiming)

Uh, like that one?

Something tells me this isn't just a renaissance fair.

Come, Avengers. For Loki, King of Earth, has declared w*r upon you.

King? Looks like we didn't get that memo.

I thought Valhalla was supposed to be full of great warriors?

These guys seem pretty dead to me, huh?

As dead as that joke.

Head in the game, soldier.

(Grunts)

It really saddens me you don't see the humor in what you just did.

What makes you think I don't?

Enough with the jokes! Cut this off at the source.

Get Loki!

Way ahead of you, Tony.

Dodge this!

(Groans)

You foul twit!

(Screams)

Jarvis, we need answers.

Did you complete the scans of the Asgardian archives?

Jarvis: Affirmative, Sir. According to law, whoever commands the hunting horn of Hela, Queen of the fallen, commands the army of Valhalla.

So, Loki stole an afterlife army?

Negative, Sir.

The horn must be bestowed.

He got her to give him the horn?

Let's put a quick end to Loki's musical career.

Our rivalry must end.

With our absence, Earth has come under threat.

Bored fighting you anyway.

(Both grunt)

(Grunts)

Smash!

That is unwise, one called Hulk.

Every Asgardian have a silly helmet?

Why have you shackled us so? We are not your enemy.

I grow tired of watching the remains of once-great men fight and fall apart at my feet.

I long for new entertainment.

Now, back to the show.

Not your entertainment!

(Groaning)

What have you done?

My death touch, brute.

Hela! End this madness, now!

(Sighs)

I so rarely get to have fun.

(Snaps fingers)

(Groaning)

What do you wish of us, Queen of the fallen?

Nothing more than your quest for the great answer, who is the strongest?

Like you and your brother Loki, I hunger for competition.

But this competition has made Earth vulnerable to attack.

I know the fire that burns in you.

And it was not long ago that you and Loki's sense of sport would shake the very foundations of Asgard.

I simply wish to witness that competition firsthand.

Loser goes home. Winner stays.

We can take her. Not in her realm.

She controls this place absolutely.

It pains me, but one of us on Earth will do more good than two in Valhalla.

I will beat you, so you may return to the Avengers.

Mmm-hmm.

You go back! Hulk strongest!

Marvelous.

(Roars)

Such a pathetic display.

With your two strongest gone, you barely hold your own.

(Grunts)

What's the end game this time, Loki?

Become King of the undead? Or maybe introduce battle horns as the next hot fashion accessory.

(Chuckles)

Growing up with my brother was a constant competition, everything a contest, everything a fight.

So this is what? A sibling rivalry thing?

Rivalry? I hardly had a fighting chance.

I am the son of a frost giant, Odin only took me into his court so his own son would shine brighter.

I've finally found a way to use my brother's competitive nature against him.

The last laugh, mine.

I am the strongest! I shall stay, beast!

Save Earth, Thor!

(Grunts)

(Hela laughs)

This battle pleases me so.

Oh, Loki, how you still surprise.

Loki?

What hand does my brother play?

(Blows horn)

That looks like fun.

You permit Earth to be att*cked with warriors of Valhalla, in return for just one of us?

A small price to pay for the greatest warrior.

Face facts, Loki. Your army's gone.

You're outgunned. And outmatched.

Yet, outwitted?

(Laughs)

No.

(Blowing)

Be ready. Feels like it's coming from below.

If a giant Asgardian monster busts out of the ground again, I'm gonna be really mad.

Hawkeye: Well, looks like Falcon's about to have some anger issues.

The problem with you mortals is that you rarely grasp the concept "eternal."

I think the Mayor's gonna ask for the keys to the city back.

(All screaming)

Oh, how I love watching as my new subjects flee in terror.

Avengers tower. Onward!

Every King needs a castle.

I forgot how much he loves to hear himself talk.

Hawkeye: It's all about pressure points.

I got this!

Man... never thought I'd miss hearing the word "smash."

It's hollow.

Explosions do nothing.

We need a well-placed implosion.

You wouldn't happen to have something that could do that, would you?

Never leave home without it.

(Laughs)

This is no time for laughter. The contest must continue, or else.

My brother has finally bested me.

You want the greatest warrior?

Loki is the man you seek!

I do not see your meaning.

Yeah, don't get it.

Who has trapped us here, using our weakness for competition in battle?

With a known trickster in your midst, you mistake the greatest warrior as being one of brawn.

You are a fool, Hela.

Bite your tongue, Odinson, or face the wrath of Valhalla's army!

Look around you. He left you with nothing.

Who would the victor of this bout fight?

(Groans)

Loki!

Want us to get him for ya?

Black Widow: I need a path.

Sure hope you know what you're doing.

(Grunts)

Tony, I'm going to set the charges right above the tibia.

Iron Man: Widow, where are you?

Black Widow: Looks like somewhere in the Medial Meniscus.

(Falcon screams)

I can't remember anatomy class, Widow.

I don't know where that is.

Iron Man: Just keep this thing distracted.

(Panting)

(Beeping)

(Grunts)

Falcon! Right leg!

(Screams)

Falcon: Now that I understood!

Gotcha!

A valiant effort, but what's dead cannot be k*lled!

Black Widow: I hate encores.

(Blowing)

Iron Man: We got it immobile, but not down for the count.

We're gonna need some serious firepower.

Smash!

Aye!

Now that just feels right.

Be gone!

(Grunts)

Hela: Loki.

We had a deal!

The greatest warrior for the horn!

I am a queen of my word, trickster.

But you go too far.

Uh-uh.

This is a fight for you, and you alone.

Hulk: Sup?

It matters not!

Stay back. This is our fight.

(Grunts)

(Lightning crackles)

(Roars)

(Both groaning)

Wait, I think I know what they're doing.

Thor: This might be your mightiest move yet, brother...

Turning my known competitive nature against me and showing it as a weakness.

I see now my nature has often wronged you.

I seek your forgiveness and mercy.

Hmm... no.

You ask for mercy? You've come to the wrong Asgardian!

Both: Yield! Yield!

I, Loki, have finally bested the Odinson, and you ask to surrender?

(Laughs)

Oh, you truly have learned little, fool.

Oh, I've learned more than you know, Loki.

Hela: It is decided.

(Blowing horn)

Hela: A great warrior I sought.

And a great warrior I shall have.

Welcome to the life of eternal battle, Loki!

No! No! (Shouts) Brother!

Odinson, never again sully my kingdom with your visage until you are meant to.

Good job, guys.

Quick thinking, letting Loki win.

I know it couldn't have been easy.

Aye, though it pains me to surrender, sacrifice of ego is sometimes needed to achieve victory.

And to save the Hulk, who was almost trapped in Valhalla.

Hmm... trapped? So you're saying I'm stronger?

That is not what I meant, you foul-stenched oaf!

(Sighs)

Here we go again.

Nay, we have learned much this day.

Loki is not the brother I chose, but he is my brother nonetheless, while Hulk, I gladly call family.

(Growls)

Enough with the mush.

Come, brother! Let us refrain from destruction, and instead grab a dog, forged by flame.

Hulk: A hot dog? Just one?

Tony Stark! Meagan Mclaren, with the Daily Bugle.

Any comment on what took place here today?

All: No comment.