02x01 - The Arsenal

[bunniefuu]

You'll destroy no more villages this day, foul beast.

(Roars)

(Hulk grunts)

Save some for me, Goldilocks.

(Roars) (Grunts)

(Straining)

Aha! There's still some fight left in him.

Don't worry, guys, got you on satellite now.

I'll lead you through this.

Hulk, hit him with a...

Hulk: Yeah, yeah.

Full body uppercut.

(Hulk growls)

(Laughs)

Okay, I guess you two were on that.

Here we go.

Iron Man: Stumbled on a nest of Hydra agents, huh?

Looks like they're using...

Heavy A-5 laser a*tillery.

Is someone playing peeping Tony again?

We're disarming their power supply.

Iron Man: Good.

I knew you'd catch that.

(Groans)

Stark, come in, now!

Iron Man: Hawkeye, you need backup?

Hawkeye: What? No. I'm carsick.

Tell Widow to stop driving like a New York cabby.

Keep sh**ting. The meter's running.

That's the help you needed?

Sorry, archer. Her car, her rules.

Jarvis: Your guidance seems made the team self-sufficient, Sir.

Tell me about it.

Loneliness, the high cost of leading with 100% success rate.

Jarvis: Perhaps time to pick up a hobby.

Already on it, Jarvis.

You see these?

My dad's unfinished scientific papers.

It's brilliant stuff.

I'm sure he taught you a lot, Sir.

Taught me? He barely had time to speak to me.

But as I know too well, being a genius keeps you pretty busy.

Look.

Jarvis: Project arsenal, built to contain massive amounts of energy.

You see? Way more exciting than playing catch with a 10-year-old me.

Jarvis: Sir, I'm tracking (Beeping)

A heavily armed alien ship entering Earth's atmosphere.

Finally, some action.

I need a theme song.

Jarvis, remind me to write one.

Whoa!

Jarvis: Should I summon the other Avengers, Sir?

Please. I can handle one little ship.

On second thought...

Avengers, assemble!

Guys, whatever happened to a good, old-fashioned, "take me to your leader?"

You all skip right to the lasers.

No sense of drama.

No life signs.

Jarvis, what are these things?

Jarvis: Subjects match no known alien design, including the Kronan, Chitauri, or Spartax.

This is something new.

First contact that starts with an attack?

What did we do to make them so angry?

(Groans)

(Grunts)

Hate when you party without us.

(Booming clap)

(Thor grunts)

Oh, this day gets better and better!

(Grunting)

What's the profile of these hostiles?

Drone ships from who knows where.

Falcon: Drones?

Someone set their invasion fleet on autopilot?

Finally found some action, Tony?

This just got more complicated.

(Yells)

(Falcon grunts)

Civilians are in play.

(Grunting)

(Passengers screaming)

We've got a plane to catch.

I've got it.

Iron Man: I saw what happened last time you tried to save a jet, Thor.

Thor: That was Hulk's fault.

(Grunting)

Thor!

Awesome!

Iron Man: Why does everyone love you?

I'm the handsome, brilliant, rich guy.

I am told it is the hair.

(Tires screeching)

Woman: Thank you so much!

(Passengers cheering)

I love you, Thor!

Woman: Thank you so much!

It is the hair.

What about the goatee?

Now you decide to fly straight?

Whoa!

Either that's the galaxy's worst shot...

Or they're firing on their own.

Wait. That's the first one I saw.

The lead ship.

Falcon: A life sign!

Someone's actually in that one.

They're aren't leading. They're running.

Captain America: It's an escape ship. Rally around it.

What if it's some disgusting alien?

Oh, then you have a date for this weekend.

Oh, Cap makes jokes now?

Iron Man: Got it!

(Grunts)

Had it.

Lost it.

Falcon: Whoever was in that ship could have survived.

Big chunks of the hull are still intact.

Falcon: Someone could have survived.

Iron Man: Maybe, but I can't track this alien metal.

Not without a sample.

Thor, can you help us out?

(Straining)

Is this sample big enough?

Hawkeye: Hey, question...

Black Widow: You can't drive.

Anyone tell you that you have control issues?

Iron Man: This thing's made of dark star composite metal.

It's extraterrestrial.

I think my dad studied it.

His work on xeno-metals was my favorite book in high school.

Okay, so I wasn't the most popular kid in school.

Howard Stark must have been an awesome dad!

Awesome scientist.

He didn't have much time to be a dad.

Too busy saving the world to worry about his people skills. (Sonar pings)

Sounds familiar.

You got a point, circus act?

Nope. No point at all.

Good. Got the location.

(Beeps)

Let's get to work.

Iron Man: Be careful here.

We don't know how friendly this alien visitor is.

(Grunts)

Or don't listen to me.

(Whimpers)

Red Skull.

Save me.

Save you?

From who?

Him.

(Whimpers)

Uh, anyone else getting weirded out by this?

(Drones approaching)

He is coming.

These drone clowns again? Nothing we can't handle.

You and your big mouth.

(All grunt)

Captain America: Who's behind this, Skull?

The mad titan, Thanos!

He's coming to destroy us all!

Iron Man: I'm the one who wanted some action.

Red Skull's on the run from someone named Thanos?

Well, at least now we know who's getting the bill for all this damage.

(Grunts) (Groans)

Thanos? That's not even a name in the S.H.I.E.L.D. database.

You read the entire S.H.I.E.L.D. database?

Of course you did.

Save me!

We got a perimeter around Skull.

Cover us and we'll make a break for the jet.

Iron Man: Love to, Cap, but these things aren't going down like they should.

Hulk: Puny robots!

(Hulk groans)

Ha! Felled by a mere machine, Hulk? Watch this.

(Groans)

The stone!

What've you been hiding from us, Skull?

(Gasps)

This what Thanos is hunting you for?

Never touch!

(Screaming)

(Cackling)

(Screaming)

Iron Man: Guys, change of focus. Cap's gone nuclear.

Not nuclear, worse. Cosmic.

(Screaming)

Iron Man: Take cover.

Why couldn't Skull just bring flowers?

He's not so power...

(Groans)

(Grunts)

Finally, Red Skull brings a worthy challenge.

Cap, fight it!

(Captain America screaming)

(Groaning)

(Panting)

So, can I use that thing next?

(Growls)

Don't touch that.

So much power.

If I held it another second...

Iron Man: It would have fried your brain?

What are you looking at?

Oh. The power stone.

You know about this thing?

On Asgard, they taught us about it at the learning hall.

It has immeasurable power, forged from the...

Uh, the... something.

All: Something?

I could not be expected to stay in mystical objects class when there were perfectly good trolls to battle.

Oh, you all would have done the same.

Jarvis: I'm detecting another drone fleet entering Earth's atmosphere, Sir.

Great. This Thanos doesn't quit, does he?

She. It?

I had some sort of vision when I touched the stone.

I saw Thanos destroy a planet with this thing.

If it's that powerful, he won't stop attacking Earth until he gets it back.

That stone's the only thing that stopped those robots.

How can use it if we can't touch it?

Iron Man: I think I had just the thing.

Hawkeye: Project what, now?

Project "Arsenal".

If this data's correct, my dad designed a machine that can handle this kind of energy.

Great, then what are we waiting for?

Let's go get it.

Small problem.

I have no idea where it is.

All he wrote was a series of equations, and a nonsense word, "poteryaniles."

Black Widow: Poteryani les.

Not nonsense, Russian.

It means, "the lost forest."

Arsenal. Ja.

You are so creepy when you're not trying to k*ll me.

Well, Skull likes your plan.

So it's got that going against it.

Black Widow: The lost forest is the site of a gamma reactor meltdown that forced the whole city to evacuate.

It's been abandoned ever since.

Sounds like your project "Arsenal" is somewhere in there.

Captain America: Let's establish a search grid.

Tony, what's this thing look like?

Arsenal could be a container, a vehicle, a w*apon. Who knows?

My dad wasn't so clear on that.

So, Widow, did you happen to pack our SPF 4,000 gamma-blocking sunscreen?

(Sighs)

Look, I don't wanna turn into some giant gamma freak.

Not that you don't make it look good, big guy.

Iron Man: Widow, why am I not detecting any fallout?

Unless...

Of course, project Arsenal was sent here to contain the blast.

The gamma reactor, it's in there.

It's gotta be.

Huh?

(Indistinct rumbling)

Sounds big.

I like that.

Falcon: Or maybe not.

Hawkeye: There's big, then there's the size of a flying city.

Could this thing be another drone, Jarvis?

Jarvis: The ship is unknown alien metal, though no life signs detected.

Iron Man: Well, it looks like they've detected our life signs.

Get cover!

All right, Avengers, listen up.

Hulk, I need you to...

Iron Man: Thor, you...

(Grunts)

Iron Man: Cap, why don't you...

(Grunts)

And, uh, just keep doing what you're doing.

Project Arsenal better be here, dad.

Arsenal.

Security panel's in Russian. You got this?

(Grunts)

That works, too.

Hawkeye: Well, someone's been saving on their cleaning bills.

Iron Man: Ever wanted to see an unstable gamma reactor, guys?

Hawkeye: Not really.

(Grunting)

Didn't even break a sweat.

Really? Then what's that smell?

(Growls)

(Laughs)

(Grunts)

Black Widow: How long before it blows?

Iron Man: I don't know what's stopped it from blowing up already.

Almost anything could set it off.

Captain America: Tony, things are going south out here.

No sign of Arsenal. Buy us more time.

(Explosions)

Automated voice: Reactor core overload in 60 seconds.

(Alarm blaring)

How's one minute for more time?

Automated voice: Reactor core overload in 50 seconds.

Iron Man: Okay, no problem.

This thing's gotta have a fail-safe.

(Snaps)

Yeah, that's a design flaw.

Automated voice: Reactor core overload in 40 seconds.

Someone's in there.

Not someone, something.

It's project Arsenal.

That's what's been keeping all the gamma radiation in check for years.

Automated voice: Reactor core overload in 30 seconds.

The stone!

Skull, I think you're onto something.

Hulk, think you can handle some gamma rays, buddy?

(expl*si*n)

Automated voice: Reactor core overload in 20 seconds.

Puny gamma rays.

Arsenal's in there.

Get this stone to it.

It's the only chance we've got.

(Groaning)

I'm trusting you here, dad.

Automated voice: Reactor core overload in 10 seconds.

Iron Man: Bye.

(Straining)

Automated voice: Nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one.

(Ethereal mechanical humming)

Arsenal: Project arsenal back online.

Gamma blast contained.

(Sighs)

This just blew even my mind.

He shuttled the gamma radiation into... where?

These readings make no sense.

Research later, Tony.

Cap, duck!

(Grunts)

(Grunts)

That's what happens when you go up against Falcon.

Uh-oh.

And this is what happens when you brag too much.

(Grunts)

We need an assist, now.

Attack Thanos!

Whoa! Step aside, Skippy.

This isn't a job for super villains.

Arsenal, attack.

Incapacitate invading forces?

Yeah, sure. Same thing.

Error. Unauthorized user.

(Growls)

Error. Unauthorized user.

Voice activated. That's a problem.

Voice recognition. Authorized user.

Okay, then.

Destroy the attacking ships.

Acknowledged.

How are you an authorized user?

Born leader?

That's Arsenal?

Oh, it's official.

Tony's dad was the coolest guy ever.

Iron Man: Avengers, assemble!

(Yells)

And smack Thanos out of the sky.

This mothership's about to meet some Stark family tech.

Arsenal, follow my lead.

Affirmative.

Falcon: Awesome.

Completely insane, but awesome!

Hulk is awesomest of all!

Yeah, but I don't think any of your dads built an indestructible robot.

Does an indestructible suit of armor count?

(Grunts)

Though the destroyer was not my father's best idea.

Iron Man: Jarvis found no life forms.

Widow, call your S.H.I.E.L.D. buddies for some alien drone clean up.

Black Widow: Sure.

'Cause Fury loves getting those kind of calls.

Nice work, soldier.

Your help was extremely appreciated.

User Anthony Stark issued strategically sound orders.

I complied.

Great, an android that feeds Tony's ego.

Mission complete?

Yes, mission complete, Arsenal.

Thanks, dad.

(Red Skull gasps)

Black Widow: Sit tight, Skull.

Thanos will be back looking for the power stone, and you're gonna help us stop him.

He will rise.

Iron Man: Unreal.

I can't find a limit to the amount of energy Arsenal can contain.

Arsenal: Secondary programing, energy conversion and containment.

This guy's personality makes Hulk seem warm and cuddly.

Thanks.

Engage open user interface?

Sure. Why not?

Hello, everyone. My name is Arsenal.

Pleased to meet you.

Wait a minute, energy containment's your secondary programing?

What's your primary programing?

To be your friend, Tony.

Is this a joke?

Your father regretted he didn't have enough time to spend with you.

I was initially built as a companion and protector.

My dad built me a best friend?

Yes. I am equipped with skills in personal protection, energy containment, flight and techniques of sports ball recovery.

The old man wasn't so bad after all.

Wait, "sports ball recovery?"

Yes, while my hand is covered in a leather mitt.

Okay, Arsenal, let's go play catch.

Who's in?

Which version of catch?

With battle axes or flaming boulders?

Boulders!

I think you got this one, Tony.

Iron Man: Let me tell you how I created the world's first holographic baseball bat.

(Indistinct thudding)

(Thanos growls)

(Rumbles)