( bells jingling )
Homer: Ho, ho, ho!
Homer: D'oh!
( tires screeching )
( grunts )
Homer: Oh, are we gonna stay Roto-Rootered like this the whole show?
Lisa: It's rotoscoped, Dad.
Bart: Whatever it is, it's making me sick.
Lisa: A noble experiment that failed.
The Simpsons
Season 27 Episode 09
Barthood
Original Air Date on December 13, 2015
( acoustic guitar playing )
Bart: Why is the sky blue?
Homer: Hmm... I don't know. Just is.
Bart: Why are clouds white?
Homer: No clue.
Bart: Why are people yellow?
Homer: It's the way God made them.
Bart: Why is grass green?
Homer: So you can find your damn golf ball. Now I have a question for you. Why did you leave your toy car on the stairs?
Bart: Why is blood red?
Homer: Why do you ask?
Bart: It's coming out your ear.
Homer: D'oh!
Marge: So you'll be staying with Grampa while your father is on the mend.
Homer: Don't let him near me!
Bart: ( grunts )
Homer: Ah! ( sobbing ): Ow!
Bart: ( cackles )
Grandpa: ( chuckles ) Do it again, boy. I bet he can't control it.
Bart: ( grunts )
Homer: Ow! Aah! Ow...
( Grampa and Bart chuckle )
Marge: Bart, you shouldn't... ( stifles a chuckle ) Maybe one more.
Bart: ( grunts )
Homer: ( screaming ) Aah! Ow!
( all laughing )
Grandpa: ( humming )
Bart: Want to play cars?
Grandpa: Oh, boy, if I go down there, I ain't coming up.
Bart: My dad won't play cars with me, either.
Grandpa: Calm down, Melvin Q. Mopenheimer. There's other ways of playing cars.
Grandpa: Feast your eyes on the most beautiful machine ever made: the 1954 Studebaker Starliner Commander! I bought it brand-new and forgot about it till today.
Bart: ( impressed whistle ) Can I sit in it?
Grandpa: Well, I don't know how you expect to drive it if you ain't sitting in it.
Bart: Grampa! I can't drive.
Grandpa: Neither can I, legally. Now let's get going!
♪ ♪
Chief Wiggum: You know you can season these things with pepper spray, don't you? Aah! Aah! I need water in my eyes. ( screams )
Grandpa: ( laughs ) Let's open her up a little. ( grunts ) ( laughing ) Homer never showed such spirit. You got gumption, boy.
Bart: I wish this day would never end.
Grandpa: Aw, sorry, Bart. Time don't stop. The years go by and you don't even realize it.
♪ ♪
Marge: Grampa, I told you to get him home by 5:00. His tutor's here to teach him to read.
Grandpa: ( sputtering angrily ) When I was a boy, I ain't never did not need no tutor either no how! Yes, sirree, ain't!
Bart: ( reading ) "S-See... the... m-m-mou... m-m-m..."
Lisa: "See the mouse. Mouse hits cat. Cat goes splat."
Frink: Very good, Lisa. Very, very good! And with barely any knowledge of diphthongs, sibilants and phonemes.
Lisa: ( giggling )
Bart: How come she can read and I can't?
Frink: All right, calm down, young man. Not to worry, you won't need to read. You see, customers will just point to a picture of the burger that they want you to flip. ( exclaims ) Because you're not gonna have anything going.
Marge: Very nice painting, Lisa. We're putting it right over the couch.
Bart: I made a drawing, too! It's on the refrigerator! And the wall. And the curtains.
Marge: ( horrified gasp )
Homer: ( gasping, sputtering ) Boy, you've ruined our kitchen! Do you understand? This is a place of pork chops.
Bart: But... do you like my drawing?
Marge: Homer, please, please. Just say something positive.
Homer: Well, it's a... colorful example of... something that... ruined our kitchen! I can't even find the fridge! You're not beer. Where is it? And who are you?
Milhouse: We're playing hide and seek. I'm Milhouse.
Homer: Milhouse? What kind of a wiener name is that?
Milhouse: A very bad one, sir.
( bell chimes )
( humming )
Homer: That boy is so much trouble. Never should have had a firstborn. Should've skipped right to the second.
Bart: There's one thing I can do better than you.
Homer: ( chuckles ) I've finished painting the wall and it's better than new. In some ways, this was kind of a bless...
Bart: Ha! I got gumption! ( giggles )
Psychologist: Bart's disruptive behavior is probably caused by his feeling that you think other children are more deserving of attention.
Homer: Mm, I see. And how can we help these other children?
Marge: We're here for Bart.
Psychologist: In a boy like Bart...
Homer: Yeah?
Psychologist: ...the attention he craves most is from his father.
Homer: Pfft. Good luck with that.
Psychologist: Take him camping!
Homer: I do want to help him, I do.
Psychologist: And your son is just looking for your love.
Homer: Geez. For a psychologist, you sure know how to get into people's heads.
♪ ♪
Bart: And I brought my flashlight so we can find our way in the dark, and my scissors to cut wood into kindling, and an air horn to scare away bears.
( air horn blaring )
Homer: ( chuckling )
Bart: Wh... why are we stopping?
Homer: This is where we're camping, son.
Bart: I thought we were going to stay in a tent in the woods. Like the kids that got k*lled in that movie you took me to.
Homer: Son, the woods this time of year are very outdoorsy. But we'll do fun things. Oh, listen! Do you hear that?
( grinding, rattling )
Homer: It's the sound of an ice machine.
Bart: ( sighs ) Great.
Homer: Come on, let's go hunt... for the registration desk.
( blares )
Announcer: Andreychuk passes ahead to Hamilton... it's too far in front... and the ref waves off the icing.
Bart: The TV is north of the bed.
Homer: ( yawns ) Better hit the hay, son. Learning this new remote really took something out of me. Never saw a menu button colored green before. Whew! Crazy buttons. ( snoring )
( birds chirping )
Marge: So, how was your camping trip with your father?
Bart: Okay. We got lots of Starwood points at the hotel.
Marge: Oh, my thrifty pioneers. Lisa, how was school?
Lisa: The teacher gave me this.
( giggles )
Homer: "Student of the month"! Wow. How long have you been in that school?
Lisa: A month.
Bart: I've been there two years and no one ever gave me anything! ( angry grunt )
( door slams )
Homer: Aw, poor kid.
Marge: Are you taking his dessert?
Homer: Yes, I am. Up to him.
( footfalls stop )
Marge: Are you eating that cake?
Homer: ( muffled ) What? No.
( footfalls resume quickly )
Homer: Son, I know it may not seem like it now, but you're gonna be glad to have a sister when you grow up.
Bart: You're always gonna like her better than me.
Homer: That's not true. I love you both the same amount: 40%. Gotta leave room in the budget.
Bart: Then will you put this on your car?
Homer: I'll be proud to.
Bart: ( yawns ) ( gasps )
Homer: Hmm... Ooh, both those bumper stickers mean so much to me.
Bart: Oh...
All: Happy birthday!
Bart: Well, thanks. But you know I'm not into Krusty anymore.
Marge: You've outgrown Krusty? First no more "ay, caramba," now this?
Bart: Mom, don't have...
Marge: Have a cow, man?
Bart: I was gonna say "don't have a foolish attachment to the past."
Homer: Come on, boy. Humor your mother.
Bart: Oh, fine. Don't have a cow. Man.
Marge: Yeah...
( phone chimes )
Lisa: Oh, my God! I'm Student of the Month for 48 consecutive months!
Marge: Great, honey, great! But, you know, it is Bart's birthday.
Bart: No, no, no, this is fine. Just let me fix this. There. Now it's all about you. Happy?
Homer: I'll go get him.
Homer: Oh, it's no use. He's walking kind of fast.
Milhouse: Blam!
Milhouse: Blam!
Milhouse: Blam! Blam! ( laughing ) Hey, you missed one.
Bart: Nope, can't do it, my Grampa lives there.
( siren whoops )
Chief Wiggum: Stop! Stop right there! Well, looks like we finally put an end to this light-mare on Elm Street.
Lou: Actually, it's Maple Street, Chief.
Chief Wiggum: Thank you, joke police.
Bart: Please don't arrest me. It's a victimless crime!
Moleman: Oh, I can't see!
( tires screeching )
Moleman: ( moaning )
Chief Wiggum: Looks like a case of Molemanslaughter. Did that sound right to you, Lou?
Moleman: I like it.
Bart: Thanks for letting me hide here, Grampa.
Grandpa: Hiding? This is the best visit I've had in months!
Milhouse: Aah!
Grandpa: Now, come get your birthday present.
Bart: Whoa! I've been asking my parents for this, but they said I'd break my neck.
Grandpa: Hey, you're gonna break your neck sometime. It's important you do it when you're young. Like chicken pox. Now get out before I say something else preposterous.
♪ ♪
Lisa: Mom, it's just the Mayo Clinic Pre-Medical Summer Camp. I would've been totally fine on my own.
( horn honks )
Marge: No more discussion. Our cab's here. Ooh, it's one of those new Apple cars. Really think they should've stuck with computers.
Homer: Have a great trip. Don't you worry. I'll take good care of our little guy.
Bart: I'm 15!
Homer: ( laughs ) ( baby talk ): Oh, our big boy's getting cranky.
( groans )
Marge: Homer, this summer may be your last chance to have a close relationship with your son. Don't blow it.
Homer: So, boy, look at this. Just us guys, huh?
Bart: Mm-hmm.
Homer: ( chuckles ) Glad we've got the whole summer, 'cause we got a lot to talk about.
Bart: Yeah, I guess.
Homer: Let's see. Um... oh! When you replace windshield wipers, you only need to switch out the rubber part, not the whole blade.
Bart: Huh, where can you buy just the rubber part?
Homer: I don't know. Well, I'm glad I told you that before I died. So, uh, I'll go to Moe's while you sort it out, huh?
♪ ♪
Yes!
Bart: Hey, thanks for coming.
( giggles )
After washing dishes for a year they bumped me to prep, which means I draw up the schedule, babe.
Wow, no more Mr. Minimum Wage.
I didn't say that.
Milhouse: So I just got out of juvie for the streetlight thing. But I'm not mad. I've learned that the greatest crime of all is a life without faith. What's wrong? Is the cross not big enough?!
Wow, you make out just like Terri said you do.
Bart: Wait, you're not Terri?
No, I'm Sherri. But the further we go, the more you'll know the difference.
Bart: ( groans ) ( sniffs ) Oh, weed. That can get me into a lot of trouble. Hey, idiots, the bong stays in the tree house!
Homer: Hey, boy. ( laughs )
Bart: Are you crazy? What if the cops come?
Chief Wiggum: ( laughing, coughing )
Bart: You're here, too?
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, must be weird for you. And-and think about this, man-- the whole world is happening right now. I mean, India, China. It's crazy.
Bart: Can you just leave me here with my dad?
Chief Wiggum: All right, sure. I can fly! No, no, I can't! I can't!
Bart: Dad, why is it you and I are never on the same page?
Chief Wiggum: Officer down, man.
Homer: Boy, when you arrived, I was terrified. Because it meant I wasn't a kid anymore. I had responsibilities. Truth is, I'm just like you. A misunderstood guy who wants his family to love him. And maybe we could start with a hug? Aw, I'm so glad we're sharing this. And I'm glad I have one kid who's never gonna go anywhere or do anything.
Bart: Damn it, Homer! You ruin everything!
Homer: ( groans )
Bart: Grampa, got to talk to Grampa.
Bart: Grampa, I sure miss you, man. What would you say if you were here right now?
Grandpa: If you ever get a chance to pitch woo at Myrna Loy, take it! She has eyes like a Persian cat. Of course in my day, Persia extended from Algiers to Constantinople. Till the revolt of the eunuchs in 1916 when... ( shouts ) Ooh, you got gumption, kid. Find what you love and follow it to glory.
Bart: Yes.
Announcer: So, we're headed into the final round of the Duff Extreme BMX vert competition. Let's check the scoreboard while the half-pipe is being cleaned by the Blood-Zoni.
Bart: Dad, one more round and I win! First achievement I can call my own.
Homer: Thank God whatever this thing is is considered a sport.
Announcer: Bart Simpson to the gate, please.
Marge: Oh, good, we're just in time.
Homer: Hmm. It's not the size of the pennant. It's what you do with it. All right, nobody likes a showoff. D'oh!
( crowd cheering )
Announcer: Oh, man, I love to see this. Simpson's setting up for his signature su1c1de no-hander 540 crank-flip!
( gulps )
Bart: I'm doing it! I'm doing it! Finally, I'm me. Finally out of Lisa's shadow. No! ( grunts )
Lisa: ( grunting ) Yes! Yes! Thank God I aced chest compressions at Mayo pre-med camp!
Announcer: And Bart's okay! The real star of this BMX tournament is Lisa Simpson!
Crowd: ( chanting ) Lisa! Lisa! Lisa!
Bart: You've ruined everything I've ever done!
Lisa: Move, quick!
Bart: No!
Lisa: Warned you.
Bart: Biker, huh? I used to bike. I used to have dreams.
I used to think disco was coming back. Now I'm just Stu. Nothing Stu.
Milhouse: Hey, Bart, you are coming to my graduation party tonight?
Bart: I don't know, man. It's humiliating. My little sister's graduating the same year as me.
Nelson: Haw-haw!
Bart: Nelson, how can you say that with what's happened to you?
Nelson: Yeah, well, I bought a totally bitching car with the money I got selling my pituitary gland. So cool.
( rock music playing )
( crying ): I knew I'd break down when Kearney Jr. graduated.
It's okay, Dad. We still got K-3.
( coos )
( both laughing )
Right.
Ralph, you joined the army?
Yes, because I needed a costume for this party.
Milhouse: At college I'm gonna reinvent myself. I'll pretend I have a girlfriend in Canada. I'll say she lives in Alberta and her name is Alberta, so I don't have to remember two lies. Bart! I was getting worried.
Bart: I'm your oldest buddy. I was there when you got your nose done, then I was there when you had your nose undone.
Friends, family, and a few people we hired to make our son look more popular...
I love Milton!
Milhouse: Dad, you're embarrassing me! As usual.
Yes, it's the only thing your father does well.
Milhouse: Can't you two put it aside for one night in honor of me?
No! No!
Milhouse: Oh.
Lisa: Ah, what the heck? Congratulations, Milhouse. You made it through adolescence and you're cuter than ever.
Milhouse: Oh, sweet Lisa! You know I had a rocky childhood with all the rocks they threw at me. You're the most amazing thing at this party.
Well, excuse me!
Bart: ( groans ) I'm not even the best Simpson at my best friend's party! Do you know what it's like to be second-best at anything?
Lisa: Yeah, I do! I'm going to Yale! Listen here, Bart Simpson! I am sick and tired of you blaming me for every setback you have ever had! And you have talents, too, you idiot. You're a hell of an artist, even though you don't do anything with it.
Bart: You think I'm an artist?
Lisa: And you already have a true artist's most important asset. A miserable life. So if that's all my fault, you're welcome.
Bart: Hey, man. You're looking good.
Nelson: Thank God Lisa invented the artificial pituitary. Sorry, didn't mean to use the "L" word. Listen, man, a certain someone convinced me to go around giving back the lunch money I took. Here's the first $5,000.
Bart: Wow. Thanks. What got into you?
Lisa: Nelson, come on! We'll miss day six of the Bolivian Film Festival.
Bart: You guys are dating?
Nelson: Is there any other reason I'd be going to a Bolivian Film Festival?
Lisa: I'm sorry I didn't tell you, Bart. I don't really know how you feel about me.
Bart: Well, you told me I was an artist, and you were right. I am, and I get to write on the walls.
Lisa: Wow, that's beautiful. I do notice there's no me.
Bart: Ah, those are the breaks. Why don't I buy you and your boyfriend a couple beers? Just let me close up.
Lisa: That would be nice. We'll see you at the car. Aw!
Bart: You weren't supposed to see.
Lisa: Well, I'm glad I did.
Nelson: Hmm? You're El Barto? How is that possible?
Bart: Why are clouds brown?
Homer: Pollution.
Bart: Why is the grass green?
Homer: 'Cause it's artificial.
Bart: Then why are the sprinklers coming on?
Homer: 'Cause I was too lazy to unhook them.
Bart: Why aren't we moving?
Homer: Because you're drunk and I'm stoned.
Bart: Why does beer taste so good?
Homer: 'Cause you've just had seven.
Bart: Did you like the movie Boyhood?
Homer: Oh, is that what this was?
Bart: How many years of hair do I have left?
Homer: It disappears as soon as girls like you.
Bart: What's the secret of life?
Homer: You can avoid a lot of awkward situations by pretending to be on the phone.
Bart: Like what?
Homer: Hold on, I got to take this call.
27x09 - Barthood
Moderator: SideshowBob
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"The Simpsons" - set in the fictional town of Springfield - parodies American culture, society, television, and many aspects of the human condition, and is a satirical depiction of a middle class American lifestyle.
"The Simpsons" - set in the fictional town of Springfield - parodies American culture, society, television, and many aspects of the human condition, and is a satirical depiction of a middle class American lifestyle.