02x10 - Stuff

[bunniefuu]

Christmas...

The most wonderful time of the year...

A time for tree trimming, roaring fires, Christmas Carols, but most important, a time to be with the ones you love. But some would argue it's become overly commercialized, that it's all about stuff. To these people, I would say... "duh!"

♪

[Indistinct shouting] Let go of me! Ow!

In fact, no one loves stuff more than me...

Oh, here we go. Here we go.

Except for these four.

[Indistinct shouting]

In my house, Christmas morning has become like a competitive eating contest.

Man: It is running neck and neck.

Man 2: Unbelievable... 11 hot dogs after just a minute.

♪

Give me something else to open!

I need it now!

Both: Stockings!

Go!

♪

Which is why it didn't come as a total surprise to hear pop say...

Whoa. Ah.

As usual, dummy, you've overdone it... took something beautiful and turned it into crap.

I'm taking over Christmas.

Santa's got a brand-new bag.

Son, your black ass has completely bought into this white-Christmas nonsense.

Mm-hmm.

Buy them damn kids anything they ask for.

Hell, you even buy 'em things they don't ask for!

It's too much, son.

Oh, so, they should just be disappointed and wake up to nothing... like I did.

Unh-unh-unh!

There was always something for you under the tree.

It's heavy!

It's pickles.

Boy, you know you love pickles!

Not for Christmas, I don't!

Well, you ate 'em like you loved 'em.

You do love pickles, babe.

Bow!

Y'all talking about how my baby love pickles?

Mama, we are not...

Mm-hmm.

Can we stop talking about pickles, please?!

Fine! You the one that loved 'em so much.

The point is, you've rotted your children from the inside out with all the stuff you've given 'em.

You've lost the true meaning of Christmas.

Which is Jesus! He is the reason for the season.

Well, I was going to say, listening to Donny Hathaway and sipping on Cutty Sark till you're out of Cutty Sark.

Either way, your generation has ruined it with too... Much... Stuff.

Yeah, too... Much... Stuff.

Oh, so, it's our fault?

Oh, hey, mama, uh, what did the three wise men bring baby Jesus in his manger?

Hmm?

Oh, gold, frankincense [Murmurs]

Speak up, mama, 'cause it sounded like you said stuff, which I never got.

Wait a minute. H-h-hold on.

Did you rise from the dead and provide man with salvation?

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Well, until you do that, you thank God for those pickles.

Amen.

You know, maybe Ruby and pops are right, though.

What?

When I was growing up, we used to have to make our own gifts.

Ooh, that sounds terrible.

Yeah, stay in your lane, Rainbow.

No, I'm agreeing with you.

Okay, all I'm saying is that we could live with a little less stuff in our lives.

See that? Even your own wife agrees with me.

Okay.

So, you're saying I should return that Cartier Juste Un Clou bracelet that I bought you.

The kids, Dre. The kids can live on less.

We're adults.

Oh, just for the babies.

Now, did you say "bracelet" or "bracelets"?

'Cause, you know, the whole stacking thing is trending right now.

So it's best if you have two or like three.

Four really sells it.

All I know is that I love the look on my kids' faces when I give them the perfect gift.

Junior! Come here, Junior. Watch this.

Will you tell pops how much you love the skateboard I got you last Christmas.

Oh, I traded that for a pizza.

Get out.

Oh, yeah, I bet his little face just lit up when he ate that pizza.

Speaking of gifts, we saw the presents around the tree.

It felt light.

Real light, like practice-run light.

It's Christmas. We got to play to win!

Doing a bang-up job there, son.

As much as I hate to admit it, pops was right. My kids were monsters, who were about to get a lot less stuff.

So, these gifts that you were going to get are going in my trunk.

And from now on, you get one gift.

Dear God!

Just k*ll me!

Aw! You broke my heart.

Wait. One gift for all of us to share?

Now, that is an interesting idea.

Both: Shut up!

What is wrong with you?!

I'm just asking for clarity.

No, you each get one gift.

And I'm suggesting something useful, like cold cuts, can of tuna, honey-baked ham.

My favorite.

No, no. What's going on?

There's no sense in arguing.

It's one gift and my traditional Christmas Eve dinner.

This is your new reality.

And in the spirit of taking less, we are all gonna start volunteering more.

Huh? We're not doing that.

There you go again... swerving out of your lane.

Dre, come on. I backed up your one-gift idea.

Yeah, because my idea was a good one.

Bow, come to me with these half-baked ideas so I don't have to sh**t you down in front of the children.

But you...

They lose respect for you.

He's not wrong.

Well, I'm gonna volunteer because it's nice.

Whatever. One gift.

That idea is real.

Can our stockings be our one gift?

Both: Shut up!

What is wrong with you?

What do you guys have against clarity?!

♪

One gift?! This is an outrage!

I think I'll ask for a yo-yo.

Is this a joke to you?

Think bigger!

But not too big. Dad said no to a Tesla.

Okay, so, we're looking at something between yo-yo and Tesla.

So, that's, like, a Passat?

Ugh.

Uh, you guys are playing this all wrong.

If we're extra good, they'll cave.

They're cavers.

We just have to play to our strengths.

Zoey, Jack, you'll be kind.

I'll be helpful.

And, Junior...

You'll disappear.

Huh?

Uh, trust me on this.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

She's right. Less of you is more.

I-I'm not sure about this.

Well, you better get sure because you're this close to waking up to a stocking full of Turkey pastrami.

Say no more. I bid you adieu.

Mm. That was a great call.

Felt right.

So, I went to work knowing I was doing the right thing for my kids, but my co-workers didn't like the one-gift idea.

You cheap bastard.

No, no, no.

It's because Christmas is about more than stuff.

Wait, what?

Why would you... oh, it's a fear campaign.

Imagine a world not about stuff.

You're creating a panic and offering a solution... genius!

What?

It's kind of like when the saline companies and I created the flu vaccine giving people the flu in order to combat the flu... hilarious!

And when you lost that account and created the "vaccines cause autism" campaign... very strong!

Aww, stop it.

Yes.

Oh, God.

Stuff makes the world go 'round, Dre, especially our world.

We're ad men.

Mm.

And women.

Amen, sister.

Do I seem like someone you should be that comfortable with?

Okay, g-guys, look, look, I'm trying to start a new tradition.

Ah, traditions.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, Phillip took all of ours in the divorce.

Holidays are the hardest times... that...

[Murmurs] Gut-wrenching loneliness...

Sadness...

Settling like fresh fallen snow.

No snow plow coming for me.

[Clears throat]

Just cold...

Frozen.

Winter's a-coming!

Okay, o-okay, D-Daphne, Daphne.

Okay, look, would you like to come have dinner with us?

What? I don't need your damn pity invite.

And no matter what, I know my Christmas is gonna be better than Lucy's.

W-what, because I'm Jewish?

No, because you're boring.

I didn't know you were Jewish.

Ha! You are growing on me.

♪

[Footsteps approaching]

Ruby: So!

Lady Diana, how's that volunteering going?

Just because I'm not volunteering every second of the day doesn't mean I'm not volunteering.

[Laughs] Did you even sign up?

Yes.

Did you pass the background check?

Yes, of course.

They don't run one!

Charlatan.

I...

Eh!

Eh-eh.

This whole thing started because pops convinced Bow and me we needed to teach our bratty kids a lesson, but looking around, we didn't see any bratty kids.

♪ Here we are, arms around each other ♪
♪ The quiet scene ♪ Boop!

♪ Pretty lights all over ♪
♪ Snow is falling, and everyone is here tonight ♪
♪ Iaaa ♪
♪ It's a merry Christmas ♪
♪ All the bells are ringing ♪ - hey, babe?

Yeah.

Have you seen the adorableness of our children?

Jack has frosting on his nose.

Shut up. [Laughs]

My God.

Where's Junior?

I haven't seen him in a while.

Me either. Gosh...

I don't remember the last time I saw him.

It feels like forever.

Kind of miss the little fella.

I know, right?

Mm.

Oh, God, his smile can really light up a room.

Aww.

It's like bing!

Little curly-head sucker.

Let's go.

♪

And then carry over the two, and...

Oh. Hey.

Hello, mama, papa.

Oh, my God. You... you guys are so... maybe we should reconsider.

Nope! Don't fall for it.

They're trying to trick you into forgetting what monsters they are.

Old-school Christmas one gift.

♪

You can come out now.

Any chance at a real Christmas is over.

Might as well make our lists. Our sad, one-gift lists.

I'm not coming out. Never say die!

♪

Ugh.

Ugh!

Okay. Hey, Bow, what are you doing?

It's 5:30. We haven't even had dinner yet.

Yes, I know, but I need to go to sleep so that I can wake up at 3:00 A.M.

To get to the homeless shelter.

[Sighs] Doesn't matter anyway.

I'm not gonna be able to sleep 'cause all I'm thinking about is this whole one-gift thing.

Uh... [Paper rustles]

Have you seen their Christmas lists?

"Wizard cape.

Would prefer standard, but waist-length is okay."

Oh, my God. This is so sad.

I know.

Jack wants "Kold Kuts".

[Sighing] I know.

With two K's!

Uh, yeah.

Dre, do you think we were too harsh with the kids with the presents?

[Sighs] Maybe.

Mm.

Look, I don't want my kids waking up on Christmas disappointed like I did.

Every year, I told pops I wanted Clay-colored Riedell Skates, and every year, he gave me food from the fridge.

Mm-hmm.

I had to borrow my cousin's plastic skates.

I couldn't go two feet without falling. I was high-stepping like a clydesdale.

No one wanted me on their skate crew.

My poor, little crewless Clydesdale.

[Sighs] Dre?

Hmm?

Do you think maybe...

Maybe we could get the kids just, like, a few more gifts... not as many as we were gonna get 'em, but just, like, you know, more than one.

And maybe some extra for Junior.

He was my favorite.

Uh, what happened to "never say die!"?

I got bit by a relentless, orange spider.

I may actually die.

Hey, kids, listen up.

[Gasps] Junior!

Oh, my goodness. Where have you been?!

Sweetheart, did you get taller?!

Son, come here, come here!

Oh, my God. I missed you, little buddy!

How are you?!

Not so good. I got bit by a poisonous... okay, not now. Not now.

I have something important to say.

Okay. Kids...

We're bringing Christmas back.

[All cheering]

Ah, shh, shh!

Shhhh!

Secretly.

Nobody tell pops.

Okay.

[Chuckles]

Please help me.

So cold.

Insides turning to jelly!

Oh!

I was having lunch with my colleagues the next day when Bow made an unexpected appearance.

Oh, hey, babe.

Hi.

Everything okay?

Well... you know, w-what are you doing here looking like this?

[Chuckles] This is my job.

Rainbow! Wow!

Why don't you come on in?

Have a seat.

Yeah, come and sit.

This is, uh, Daphne, and this is, um [Fingers snaps]

Doesn't matter.

Are you okay? Because you don't... uh, how do I say this?... Uh, look okay.

Oh. No, no, she's fine. She's fine.

She just volunteered today at the homeless shelter.

Why?

Why?

Oh, she was obviously there scouting out organs.

N-no. Because volunteering is nice.

No, that makes no sense.

Babe... why are you here?

'Cause I thought I could come here and we could have lunch together.

Oh, my God, of course! You're hungry.

Lucy [Fingers snap] give her your lunch.

Oh. Oh, my God! I do look awful!

God, I was just trying to do something nice for Christmas.

Christmas doesn't always work out the way you want.

Oh, my God.

If I had my way, Phillip and I would be popping "X" and rolling around in cranberry sauce like the old days.

Pre-holiday divorce... that's a rookie mistake.

Early October is when you want to file, especially in New Hampshire.

The foliage around the Concord courthouse is absolutely fabulous.

I'll keep that in mind as I'm trying to eat a 25-pound Turkey by myself.

Wait, by yourself?

You can't be by yourself on Christmas.

Why don't... why don't you come over to our house?

Babe, she's not interested.

I most certainly am.

Thank you, Dre's wife.

Nobody here had the decency.

N-n-now, h-hold up. Wait a minute.

Daphne, I invited you Tuesday.

Does lying make you feel like a man, Dre?

I...

So, to get to the fun of our secret Christmas Eve, all we had to do was endure pops' old-school Christmas Eve dinner.

All right, everybody, dig in.

This is a Christmas Eve dinner the way God intended it... fresh out the box.

Are we sure this is what God intended?

Baby girl, everything tastes better straight out the box.

Now, who wants a leg and a wing?

Is it organic?

Why aren't we having regular Christmas Eve dinner?

Boy, if you don't hush up and eat your food...

Okay, everybody, just eat up. There's Turkey in the hamper.

No, no, no, baby, he's right.

Why are we eating cold chicken out of a box?

[Muffled] Excuse me?

I want to know!

Why are you making us do this?

I'm not making you do this.

We get to do this!

I'm going to go order Sushi.

Sit down, little girl.

This is Christmas Eve dinner, and you are going to appreciate it.

You see this mess here?

This is "stuff" talk.

There's stuffing?

How does my kids wanting to have a decent dinner at Christmas have anything to do with me buying them too much stuff?

This is what you had. You turned out all right.

I turned out all right in spite of all of this!

Sweetie, just ignore him seriously, we have the secret Christmas.

No! You know what?

We tried Christmas your way, and it sucks!

Oh, you're too good now?

Oh. You got a little money in your pocket, and now my traditional Christmas Eve dinner isn't good enough for you.

Well, fine. Go have your Sushi.

Thank you.

Yellowfin tuna?

You know it.

Dre: It's not about Sushi, Pops.

It's about us doing things our way, so we're gonna go upstairs, and we're gonna open up all the presents that I bought because I'm proud of the way that we do Christmas... secretly, in the closet!

Everybody, up! Let's go open some stuff!

[Claps] Come on! Let's get our stuff on!

Okay, Christmas!

Whoa, babe.

If you're upset, we don't have to do this now.

Oh, no, no, no, no. We can wait until Christmas morning.

We're gonna do this right now. Okay, I... we are going to celebrate Christmas, damn it, okay?!

Wow.

Here's a gift.

Here's a gift. Here's a gift. There's your gift!

Okay.

Stuff!

Now, get to it!

A merry... Christmas.

Mm-hmm.

Yes!

Uh Oh.

A 6.

What's wrong?

Nothing. [Sighs]

Except I kind of asked for a 6s, but it's cool.

I mean, how are you supposed to know?

Except for the part where I wrote it down for you, but...

I can't believe this!

[Sighs] And what is wrong with you?!

I disappeared myself for a gift card to J.Crew?!

You took money I could use every place and turned it into money I could use one place.

So... Jack has more presents than I do?!

Okay. sh*ts fired.

You're jealous of a goldfish?

A daily chore that ends in heartbreak?!

What is happening?!

We're getting stuff that we don't like.

Are you not picking up on that?

You guys!

I stood up for you guys!

I went against my father and every tradition that I had growing up!

For what?! For this?!

Okay.

So...

Gift receipts?

No, Diane.

All right. I did it.

I ruined the old-school Christmas and secret Christmas.

Can't wait to see what you do to new year's.

You know, I tried to blame you, I tried to blame the kids, but all this falls on me.

Well...

Nobody's disagreeing with you.

You know, a-as fathers...

We try to give our kids more than we had.

Sometimes that just isn't the best thing.

♪

So, Christmas morning was bright and sunny outside, but not inside.

[Sighs] Do you think we'll still get stockings?

What is wrong with you?

For some weird reason, dad's boss is here.

Did she bring presents?

She did not.

Well, hi! Hello!

Oh, my goodness. So nice you came!

[Chuckles nervously] Dre will be right back, but, please, uh, join our, um, our chr... our Christmas.

Wow, uh, thank you for inviting me to this wonderfully festive and heartwarming environment.

D-do the kids not have presents?

Our dad threw them away before we woke up.

[Laughing nervously]

Ha! That sounds so much worse than it is.

Well, here's what happened.

So, Dre had a screaming match with his dad over the fried Christmas chicken, and then we went upstairs to have our secret Christmas in the closet and our hamper Turkey, and Dre had already thrown his dirty underwear [chuckles] On top of the Turkey, so...

[Inhales deeply] And then the goldfish died.

She did?!

Ooh. A-anyway, um, we're all just trying to, you know, rally and have a nice...

Normal Christmas.

♪ Happy Birthday ♪
♪ Black Jesus ♪

Black Jesus?

♪ Happy Birthday ♪
♪ Black Jesus ♪

Yes, she... calls him that.

[Sighs]

♪ Happy Birthday, dear redeemer king ♪
♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪

[Blows]

You know, I'm just gonna go grab Chinese with the sad Jewish girl from work.

Oh.

♪ For he's a jolly good savior ♪
♪ For he's a jolly good savior ♪

Please, uh, Dre will be so sad he missed you.

♪ For he's a jolly good savior ♪

I'll walk... why are you running?

♪ Who nobody can renounce ♪

Come on! ♪ who nobody can renounce ♪
♪ Who nobody can renounce ♪
♪ For he's... ♪

All right, Pops, what's up?

I hate church's chicken.

What?

Don't get me wrong. It's chicken.

It's fried in delicious batter, but I hate it.

Then why did you talk it up every year and make it our Christmas tradition?

Because it was the best I could do, and I was so embarrassed, I tried to sell it as the best that ever was.

[Sighs]

Pops, you just could've said so.

And what's that conversation look like?

"Listen, son, I work a minimum-wage job, and I can barely keep the lights on.

So, here are some pickles. Merry Christmas."

Well, maybe not exactly in those words.

I-I see what you're trying to do for your kids, and I respect it.

I just think you're trying to do too much.

Now, maybe I went a little overboard with the old-school Christmas...

Mm-hmm.

But your new-school Christmas ain't exactly working, either.

[Chuckles]

Well, there's always Kwanzaa.

[Scoffs] Boy, you ain't got no sense.

[Laughs]

But look here. You're a decent dad.

♪ So, this is Christmas ♪

Merry Christmas.

♪ And what have you done? ♪

But I didn't get you anything.

Yes, you did.

♪ Another year older ♪

You know, this... this feels pickle-heavy.

Boy, if you don't open that gift... [laughs]

♪ And a new one just begun ♪

I'm gonna open your head.

♪ And so, this is Christmas ♪

Huh?

♪ I hope you have fun ♪

My skates?!

And this here is your crew.

♪ The near and the dear ones ♪
♪ The old and the young ♪

Thanks, Pops.

♪ A very merry Christmas ♪

Dad, we're sorry we were monsters.

You make it feel like Christmas every day...

♪ And a happy new year ♪

And we're sorry that we don't show you that.

I'm also just grateful to be alive.

♪ Let's hope it's a good one ♪

I love my goldfish, daddy.

God rest her soul.

Diane: Look, I'm not saying you should give me less, but...

♪ Without any fear ♪

I'll try to start appreciating it more.

♪ So this is Christmas ♪

Try... no promises.

Well, it's no "God bless us, everyone"...

♪ And what have we done? ♪

But I'll take it.

[Chuckles] Come on, give me some love.

Give me some love.

♪ Another year over ♪

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

♪ And a new one just begun ♪

[Laughter]

AlI right, I think I'm getting the hang of this.

[All shout] Whoo! It's all right.

Why would you ask for a pair of skates if you never learned how to skate?!

[All shouting]

Okay, Bow, can you help me?!

Listen to 'em jingle.

[Bracelets jingling] Jangle, jingle!

Baby Jesus has leftovers! Who wants cake?!

Me! Me! Me! Me!

[Pants tearing] Aah! Aah!

Okay, save me some cake!

Ow! Ooh!