04x13 - Rossed at Sea Part 3

[bunniefuu]

Ooh! Thank you, Bertram.

You're not welcome, Zuri. This sandwich is mine.

That explains why you used bacon for bread.

So, where's my lunch?

Well, I could make you a sandwich, or you could learn to make one yourself.

I'm not going to be around forever, you know.

Not if you keep eating like that.

I mean it, Zuri. It's time you learned some basic life skills.

You don't even know how to feed yourself.

Oh, yeah? Watch this.

What... hey! (Giggling)

Oh, carrots? Celery? Bertram, I'm so proud of you for eating healthy.

Zuri stole my bacon-bread sandwich.

Yeah, that makes more sense.

Jessie! Guess what? Arturo Vitali saw some clothes I made online, and he wants to take me on as his design intern!

Emma, that's amazing!

Look at you. You are unstoppable!

So, when we dock in Italy, I'm flying to Milan for six months!

And stop. I can't let you do that.

What? Give me one good reason!

You have school, I can't be there to take care of you, and you are way too young to be running around Milan by yourself for six months.

I said one reason. Show-off.

I'm going and you can't stop me!

Watch it, or you are grounded.

You can't ground me! We're on water!

Well, then you are... Drown-ded!

Yeah, you heard me!

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ It feels like a party every day ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ But they keep on pulling me every which way ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ My whole world is changing Turning around ♪
♪ They got me going crazy Yeah, they're shaking the ground ♪
♪ But they took a chance on the new girl in town ♪
♪ And I don't want to let them down, down, down ♪
♪ Hey Jessie ♪
♪ Hey Jessie ♪
♪ It feels like a party every day ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie ♪

Uh, Ravi...

Oh, Bertram. I was dreaming that Mrs. Kipling was angry because I left her at fat camp, so she was pinching me.

That's odd. Although, not as odd as what's actually happening.

(Splashing)

Now, you know I love a good rummage sale, but why are you having one on the deck?

I am not. I am fed up sharing a cabin with Luke, so I moved out.

Not that I care, but if you sleep out here you are asking to be carried off by a bird.

That is not possible.

Hey, if you can fit in a locker, you can fit in the bill of a pelican.

Ravi, I know you hid my boat simulator.

I did no such thing!

Perhaps it is lost in the landfill this is your side of our cabin.

Either that or a pelican took it.

I'm telling you, they are the thieves of the sea.

Anyhoo, I am glad it is missing.

You keep me up all night with that loud, ludicrous game!

For the last time, it is not a game!

It's a realistic simulator. Oh, yeah, right.

What is more realistic than cyborg k*ller whales that sh**t fire out of their blowholes?

You're a blowhole.

You think I like sharing a cabin with you?

He keeps trying to teach me facts from his boring nautical books and navigational charts.

Just because we are on vacation does not mean we should stop learning!

That's exactly what it means!

(Arguing indistinctly)

Quiet, quiet. Luke, I think I saw your game in the salon. And Ravi, Luke is not a "learner." Jessie's accepted it, his teachers have accepted it. It's time you accepted it, too.

Emma, are you still mad at me?

No, why would I be mad?

You've just ruined my entire life. No biggie.

So we're good?

Jessie, Luke and Ravi are out of control.

Would you please do your job?

Why, so you can go back to not doing yours? Exactly.

Bertram, there you are. I need your help.

Floss me. No.

For the last time, do it yourself. You're 11 years old.

Plus, you bite.

Hey, that's on you.

Give the floss more slack.

(Arguing indistinctly)

(All arguing)

All right, stop!

Or so help me, I will turn this yacht around!

That would cause us to head directly into a shipping lane.

Enough with the nerd charts!

My chart!

(Mocking) "My chart."

Really? How mature. This was my favorite map. (Mocking)

Okay, that's it!

This was supposed to be a fun family vacation, and instead you're all at each other's throats.

Well, I've had it! Tonight, we dock and tomorrow morning we're all getting on a plane and going home.

Nice going, crabby pants.

Oh, I am the crabby one?

No, he means you have another crab on your pants.

Bertram, could you please go ashore and get us a cab?

I also wouldn't mind a pretzel.

I'll do one of those things.

Then who's gonna get the cab?

(Screaming)

(Water splashing)

Bertram!

Bertram: Never learned to swim!

He got it! Great throw, Ravi!

(Scoffs) There's three words I never thought I'd hear.

Bertram: Butler overboard!

Uh-oh, the docking rope.

Uh, okay, I'm not a professional sailor person, but shouldn't the docking rope be attached to, I don't know, the dock?

Bertram: Uh, still in the water.

Okay, there are two possibilities.

Either the crew forgot to secure the boat when they went ashore last night, so we're adrift at sea...

Or?

Someone moved Italy!

Come on. One of these has got to start the engine.

(Dance music playing)

That one starts the party.

Jessie. Jessie, we have a problem!

I'll say, we're drifting at sea with no crew, no key and no clue how to work this thing!

Who cares about that! The fridge in the galley is locked!

Yeah, your inability to snack is our biggest problem right now.

The control panel has power, but without a key we can't start the engine.

The radio! (Static blaring)

Mayday, mayday! I'd like to order two large pepperoni pizzas!

Bertram! Oh, sorry, Jessie.

And a side salad.

Do you want ranch, or blue cheese?

I want to be saved!

This is Jessie Prescott, acting captain of the S.S. Galactopus.

(Indistinct speaking on radio)

You're breaking up. Please repeat, over.

(Speaking other language on radio)

We must have picked up a signal from a passing freighter.

It sounds like they're speaking Russian.

Ooh, I speak Russian!

(In Russian accent) We need help!

That's not Russian, you're just doing a terrible accent!

Sheesh. A crisis is no excuse to be hurtful.

Give me that mic, Yakov!

Come here, you broke the radio.

Jessie... Oh... Do you guys want to be alone?

No, no, no. No, we were just, you know, going over our double Dutch routine. Good sesh.

So, did you guys find the emergency supplies?

Sure did. I sh*t off all the flares.

At me.

Oh, relax! I missed.

Great. So, instead of signaling for help, you tried to roast Ravi.

On a related note, the fire extinguisher works.

Well, I just want you guys to know we have everything under control, and we will all be saved in no time. Right, Bertram?

We're all gonna die! (Sobbing)

Some of us sooner than others.

Okay, I have locked off the steering wheel, so at least we're headed straight.

Straight for what, I have no idea.

Now, let's divide up the food.

Well, this should hold me over until dinner.

Wrong! This is all the food we have until we get rescued.

We need to share.

Emma, you're in charge of rationing saltines.

Great. Instead of starting my career as a fashion designer, I'm stuck here being a cr*cker cop.

Thanks a lot, Jessie.

Jessie Prescott, crushing dreams since 2010.

I think I should get extra food.

After all, I am the cutest.

In your dreams!

These dimples b*at those freckles any day of the week.

They do not!

(All arguing)

Siblings, siblings. This is no time to be selfish.

That is why, as a last resort, when we are down to our last morsel, I am willing to sacrifice myself as a life-prolonging meal.

Oh, who am I kidding? A light snack.

You know what? Ravi's right. Jessie!

At least wait until the crackers are gone!

Not the part about eating you.

Bertram would probably refuse to cook him for us anyway.

"I could cook Ravi, or you could learn to cook him yourself."

I do not sound like that!

I meant Ravi was right about you all being selfish.

Now, since you can't be trusted to be fair to one another, I will divide up the food myself.

Nobody eat Ravi while I'm gone.

Uh, Jessie, I just want to say...

I'm sorry I was selfish.

I appreciate that, Luke, but you're still not getting extra food.

Oh, come on! It took me an hour to write that speech!

Oh, Bertram, girls, I need your help.

Since we have no idea how to work the ship's controls, we need to get back to land the old-fashioned way, by harnessing the wind.

So Luke is going to fart our way back?

Hey, hand me that salami, and I'll have us in port by midnight!

Just when the ozone was starting to heal.

No, I meant Bertram and the girls should make a sail.

Oh, so you're saying I should make a sail, because if I'm stuck with these two, I'll end up doing all the work myself.

Hello? If I'm good enough for Arturo Vitalli, I think I'm good enough to stitch a sail.

I do want most of you to survive.

Let me guess, I didn't make the cut?

How about you, Zuri? Can I expect you to help?

Thanks, but I'm really more comfortable in a managerial role.

Don't worry, Jessie. I promise to keep them on task.

Jessie, you need to see this!

Mmm, the squiggly lines are surrounding the dots and the numbers are... Meaningless.

What am I looking at?

Using these charts, and a precise algorithm based on our drift speed, I have calculated our position.

Man, you can even make dying at sea boring.

As I was saying, we are clearly drifting farther and farther from land.

And, I am afraid there is even worse news.

Don't tell me, the crabs came back?

No!

Are you kidding me? These things are relentless.

According to the radar, we are drifting right into a gigantic storm.

What? Okay, okay.

We need to batten down the hatches!

Anybody know where the hatches are or what "batten" means?

Do not panic. We still have time. I have yet to hear any thunder.

(Thunder rumbling)

Any chance at all that was one of Luke's salami farts?

I hope we have enough to make a sail.

If we don't take advantage of the wind now, the waves will start bouncing us around like...

Your rubber ducky in the tub?

Hey, Professor Quackington likes that!

He surfs on the soap.

What's the thread count on these?

Emma, this is no time to complain about the accommodations.

But I agree, these sheets are like sandpaper.

No, I mean, with winds like these, we're gonna need stronger fabric.

Don't you use that to make clothes?

Yep, my nylon couture active wear features fabric so strong, you can rappel down a mountain without looking repellent.

It'll make a supes cute sail.

Well, good luck, you two.

I'm gonna go see if I can lasso a seagull and fly on out of here.

Oh, no, you don't. If we're gonna get out of this, everyone has to pitch in.

Okay, but I just want to point out, you're making me do something that I don't want to do, while handing me a tiny sword.

It's getting really rough out there!

Grab onto something.

(Sobbing)

You know what, I'll risk it. Good call.

You guys okay?

Yeah. Jessie is putting up the sail.

It was tough, but with all of us working together, we got it finished.

Wait, all of you?

Zuri helped?

Act a little more shocked, why don't you?

See, I told you it wouldn't hurt to learn some basic life skills.

Actually, it hurt a lot.

Needles and choppy seas don't mix.

It appears as though there are several storms converging.

Nobody has ever been able to record a weather event such as this.

I hope everyone realizes how lucky we are!

Yeah, I'll be sure to tell all my friends.

Oh, wait. I can't, because I'll be dead!

Speaking of, I hope Jessie's okay out there.

(Screaming)

Jessie, what are you doing?

Oh, just using my forehead as a squeegee.

Someone needs to go help her.

Uh, maybe the adult.

Hey, you're very mature for your age.

Fine. Luke, take the wheel!

I got it.

The waves are coming from the northeast.

Steer the boat into them or we will capsize and sink.

But no pressure.

Hey, this is exactly like the controls on my boat simulator!

So you know what all these buttons and switches do?

Yeah. Although I can't seem to find the cyborg whale harpoon.

Ah! Oh!

(Grunting)

(Spits) Okay!

Jessie, Bertram, great news!

Luke knows how to work the controls.

That's awesome! Luke, is there a way to start the engine without a key?

Of course. I just need to go to the drop-down menu and select "New Game."

Great, so we're pretty much still doomed. Oh...

Not necessarily.

The sail actually seems to be working.

Indeed, it has us moving at 10 knots.

If it holds for another few minutes, we should be able to push past the leading edge of the storm.

What...

Well, so much for the sail.

But Emma, that is beautiful work.

Oh, thanks. I thought the red would really pop against the storm clouds.

Yeah, and the yellow is a nice, cheerful... Can we focus, people?

Goodbye, sail.

See? This is why I don't help work on things!

On the bright side, maybe Emma's design will reach Milan after all.

(All screaming)

In the chair. Come on.

Okay, is everyone all right? Maybe that was the worst of it.

Actually, that was the smallest of several enormous waves headed right for us!

I am not sure this vessel can handle that sort of punishment.

Jessie, tell us we're going to be okay!

I can't. I don't want the last thing I say to you to be a lie.

Ah, here, put these on!

Everyone stay away from the windows, and huddle up.

We're just going to have to ride this thing out and hope for the best.

(Screaming)

Jessie, if we don't make it through this, I want you to know I'm sorry for being such a jerk about Milan.

I know you were just looking out for my safety.

Which is a bit ironic, considering our circumstances.

Well, it is!

Thank you, Emma. I love you.

(Alarm blaring)

(All screaming)

Okay, okay, okay.

I have something to get off my chest.

I pretend to despise you people, but the truth is, I don't.

All: Aw!

I merely dislike you.

All: Oh.

I have something to confess, too.

My selfie with Reba was fake.

It was taken at a wax museum.

I bite my toenails. And chew them.

And swallow them. And I love it.

All: Ugh!

Okay, would've been perfectly happy to die not knowing that.

I was born with stubby eyelashes!

These are extensions!

I am actually good at sports.

Okay, that is a lie.

I just wanted to die with people thinking I was athletic.

Okay, fine! The truth is, I was never on the drill team in high school.

I was the equipment manager!

(All gasp)

But we had the cleanest flags in the state!

Guys, I think I see land!

OMG, we're saved!

Jagged rocks! We're dead!

He's right. We're gonna crash and sink! (Sobbing)

Luke, can't you turn us any faster?

No, we're just drifting! If the engines were on, I could give it some throttle and get us out of trouble.

(Electricity crackling)

Wait a minute. Back at Fort Tavey, we used to hot-wire tanks all the time.

I bet I can hot-wire this thing and get the engines going!

Your weird childhood might finally pay off!

Okay, I'm on it.

In the meantime, Emma, would you please put your life jacket on?

Please, I wouldn't wear orange if my life depended on it.

It does!

Jessie, hurry! The rocks are getting closer!

Almost got it.

♪ Rock-a-bye, Bertram On the death yacht... ♪

You can do it, Jessie.

Got it. (Dance music playing)

Oh, come on!

Come on, Galactopus. Let me hear your roar.

(Sparks crackle)

(Engine starts)

Ah, it worked! The engine's going. You're on, Luke!

Hold on to your butts!

(Screaming)

Emma!

Jessie! Help!

Emma! (Grunting)

Come on, come on! Two hundred meters until impact!

(Both gasping)

Oh, no! I'm slipping.

Emma, don't worry, I've got you!

One hundred meters.

I'm giving her all she's got! Well, give her more.

Jessie, you saved my life!

Forty meters! Brace for impact!

Not gonna happen. I'm not losing to a bunch of rocks.

We made it! We're clear!

Final score, Luke one, rocks zero.

Emma, you're okay!

I thought I lost my favorite sibling!

Like you didn't know.

The storm seems to be letting up!

Nice job, guys. You saved our butts.

Yes, well done, brother!

I apologize for mocking your simulator game.

Your skills saved us.

Well, yeah, but if you hadn't been able to read those screens and charts, we would have been shark bait.

You guys make a great team.

Jessie, please, this is kind of our moment.

(Snoring)

I've heard of falling asleep to ocean sounds, but this is just crazy.

Okay, Ravi, chart the course for Italy.

To get to Italy, we would have to go back through the storm.

France it is!

Ooh, French cheese is the best!

(Dance music playing)

Wow, it is good to be home.

I never want to see a wave again.

Agreed. Unless I start the wave at the International Chess Championships!

Whoo!

Loosen up, people.

Hey, uh, guys, do you remember when we all thought we were gonna die and so we confessed a bunch of crazy stuff to each other?

Can we pretend that never happened?

No problem. My memory is as short as Emma's eyelashes.

Hey!

Technically, I did not reveal anything embarrassing.

You didn't have to.

Your embarrassing qualities are obvious.

Luke, get that foot out of your mouth!

You don't know where it's been.

Oh, come on. I thought this meant I could be myself in front of you guys.

I need a vacation.

Oh!

When did I step in onions?