03x09 - Hoedown Showdown

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Ravi, why aren't you eating?

Don't you want to grow up big and strong?

Or at least be able to climb the stairs without getting winded?

I am bummed. I wanted to play my sitar in the school band, but Mr. Collinsworth would not even let me audition.

My playing is so brilliant, it would have brought tears to his eyes.

I heard you practicing.

It sure brought tears to mine.

Don't worry, Ravi.

I'll go to school with you and talk to Mr. Collinsworth.

I'll make sure you get a chance to be a sitar hero.

All right, but please do not embarrass me.

If I get shoved in my locker any more frequently, they will have to forward my mail there.

(Mobile beeps)

Ravi, you just got a text!

That makes two this month.

Please, do not be a butt-text.

Please, do not be a butt-text.

Emma, I would be honored to come to your party!

Oops... sorry, Ravi.

That was meant for my friend Rachel.

But since you live here, I guess I can't stop you from coming.

The party's going to have a black and white theme.

And I'm going to invite the hottest guy in school!

Emma, you have already invited me.

Not you. I'm talking about Rick Larkin.

We will have to agree to disagree.

Hey, I wanted more eggs.

Oh! Sorry, we're all out.

(Scratching on the door)

That's a weird knock.

(Chicken clucking)

(Chuckles) I found more eggs, but I'm not going in after 'em.

Hi, y'all! I'm Maybelle, your new neighbor.

Anyone seen a chicken around here, about yea high, answers to the name of Rover?

Why would you name a chicken "Rover?"

Because our dog's name is "Mr. Cluck."

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ it feels like a party every day ♪
♪ hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ but they keep on pulling me every which way ♪
♪ hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ my whole world is changing turning around ♪
♪ they got me going crazy yeah, they're shaking the ground ♪
♪ but they took a chance on the new girl in town ♪
♪ and I don't want to let them down, down, down ♪
♪ hey Jessie ♪ hey Jessie ♪
♪ it feels like a party every day ♪
♪ hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie ♪

(Chicken clucking)

Oh, Rover, there you are.

Come here.

(Gasps) Well, ain't this just the prettiest kitchen you ever saw?

Why are you cookin' in your funeral shirt?

A better question, "why are you cuddling a super-sized nugget?"

Oh, Rover's not food, she's family!

We couldn't leave her on the farm.

You know, we all told Memaw she was nuts for playing the lottery, but 150 million bucks later, we've got an outdoor bathtub and an indoor outhouse.

Ain't life funny?

Finally, someone to watch country countdown with!

Do you know Reba?

I'm from Hogs Holler.

I know three Rebas.

Two of them are goats, and one of them is a truck.

Well, welcome to the neighborhood.

Emma, isn't it great to have a girl your age right next door?

Sure, and the chicken is a nice change of smell from the lizard.

(Mrs. Kipling growling)

And Luke.

Oh, and there's more where Rover came from. (Chuckles)

But they keep laying their eggs in that hot, foggy closet.

You mean the steam room?

(Chuckles) That's it!

You can't find the eggs at first, but once you do, they're already poached!

Well, that's a real time saver.

(Laughing)

Oh! There he is.

Uh, Mr. Collinsworth?

Mmm?

Hi, I'm Jessie Prescott.

I'm Ravi's nanny. Oh!

Listen, I think there's been a little misunderstanding...

Say no more.

I'd be thrilled to have Ravi and his weird, bottom-heavy instrument in my band.

Really?

No.

Psych!

A sitar has no place in a band.

And flames have no place on a sports coat, yet you made that choice.

All: Ooh!

Besides, isn't your job to encourage musical talent? (Chuckles)

My job is to b*at every other school and win the battle of the bands.

I can't do that with weird instruments in my ensembl-ay.

You know what we're going to do?

Go away and never bother me again?

(Chuckles) Like I said to boyfriends five through 12, you're not getting rid of me that easy!

No! We are gonna put together our own band that you'll have to battle.

And we are gonna kick your Baton!

(Playing cavalry charge)

(All laughing)

Well, I don't think you intimidated him.

But I do have a sudden craving for shrimp vindaloo!

Emma, you should invite Maybelle to your party?

Just remind her that it's d.B.Y.O.B.

Don't bring your own barnyard animal.

I'd like to.

She seems really sweet, but I'm inviting Rick, so my party needs to scream sophistication, not "sooie!"

Emma, don't you remember what it was like be the new girl in school?

Yes, by lunch I had 10 new friends and was voted class president.

Okay, do you remember what it was like for Ravi on his first day?

How could I forget?

His t-Rex undies are still waving on top of the flagpole.

I bet Maybelle would be fun at a party.

Do you think she'll bring her own greased pig, or should we rent one?

Hi. Oh, hey!

What instrument do you play?

(Farting sounds)

Ah, the tenor pit.

Your parents must be so proud.

(Chuckles)

Yeah, wash your hands.

What's up, hepcats?

Chip falcon's here and ready to rock the squeeze box.

(Playing tunelessly)

I always knew you'd end up in the witness protection program.

Shh!

Look, you know how much I love the accordion.

Well, this is my chance to finally play it in front of people without getting embarrassed.

Yeah, right now, that accordion is the least embarrassing thing about you.

(Playing tunelessly)

Welcome, musical misfits.

Now I know you were all turned down by Mr. Collinsworth.

But I believe we can b*at them in the battle of the bands!

Now, does anyone have any questions?

That aren't about my qualifications as a music teacher?

Good. Okay.

(Clicks tongue)

And a-one, and a-two, and a-three!

(Cacophonous music playing)

Stop, stop, stop.

Arm fart kid, I think you were a little pitchy...

Hey, Rick!

What are you up to this weekend?

You know, some chillin', maybe some hangin'.

I call it "chillangin'."

(Giggles)

Well, you want to "chillang" at my party this Saturday?

Sure.

See ya, Suzie.

(Squeals) He said yes!

Obviously we're soul mates.

Whatever, Suzie.

Well, shut my mouth, it's the Ross folk!

I can't believe I get to share the same cement castle and the same schoolhouse as my new best friend!

Uh, just a hint, in New York, if you grab somebody and shake them, they might just think you're mugging them.

Well, heck, I'm just bein' friendly! (Chuckles)

Howdy!

(Groans)

Yeah, that must've been your milking arm.

Uh, hey, Emma, don't you have something to say to Maybelle here?

I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, your party Saturday.

You wanted to invite her, remember?

(Gasping) A party?

Well, run me over and call me dinner!

That would be (Mimicking pig call) Sweet!

And, there it is.

Well, I think Maybelle's perfect just the way she is.

Yeah, she's really nice, but I just don't want her to embarrass me in front of all my friends, and the guy who is totally crushing on me.

You mean the one who called you Suzie?

It was dark in that hallway!

Stupid energy saving bulbs!

Howdy, y'all!

Hi, Maybelle!

Oh! Hey, pun'kin.

Emmy, I brought a gour-met treat for your party tomorrow.

Some pickled pigs' feet!

Thank you?

Do I serve these on a cr*cker or a sandal?

Mmm, delicious!

Want some?

Thanks, but I'm on a low-hoof diet.

I really do appreciate you offering to help me get all gussied up so I fit in with your friends.

I think they should all gussy-down, 'cause you're awesome.

Aw, thanks, zuri!

Memaw always says to be yourself, 'cause everyone else is already taken.

You hear that, Emma?

Zuri, we have a lot to work on.

Why don't you go finish your foot in the living room?

I really do appreciate this, emmy.

Let's be spit sisters!

(Spitting)

And that's rule number one.

In New York, we keep our saliva in our mouths.

Or on the floor of the subway.

Maybe I should take notes.

(Gasping) Good idea.

Okay, the theme of my party is black and white.

Do you have any formal black and white clothes?

I got a skunk-skin hat.

That's not formal.

Well, it's been de-stanked!

Oh, goody.

Zuri! Get that foot out of your mouth and come help me!

Am I talkin' more like a new yorker, emmy?

Getting closer.

It only took you five minutes to say toilet instead of "terlet."

Let's say I was motivated to get that one right. (Chuckles)

Okay, let's try the next one.

That there is a gee-tar.

Emma: No!

That there is a "guitar."

Gee-tar.

Moving on.

Okay, this one is really easy.

Potater.

No! Try again.

Actually, she's not wrong.

Like in that great country classic.

♪ I really want to date her but I am just a waiter ♪
♪ servin' up fried potater ♪

This is hopeless!

(Chuckles) I don't know what y'all are getting so upset about!

"What you all are getting so upset about"!

I'm not gettin' upset! Y'all are!

Bertram, I don't know what to do about Ravi's band.

Me neither. Perhaps I'll find the answer in today's jumble.

(Grunting)

This is serious. They sound awful.

If they play in the battle of the bands, they'll be humiliated.

And these kids already get so many swirlies, they bring snorkels to school!

So, hide their instruments.

Wait... that is brilliant!

But what if they find out?

What are they going to do, b*at you up?

Heck, one of them threw their back out playing the triangle.

Good point.

(Stammers) Wait, did you just help me?

I know, it felt weird on my end, too.

Omg, Rick's coming!

Act natural, and be polite!

I can be natural, or polite.

You can't have both.

Hey, Emma, cool place.

You have a cool face, too.

I mean... You like me.

I like that.

So, want to go out next Saturday?

Yes! I mean...

That's cool.

Cool.

Cool!

(Gasping) How cool was that?

I need to buy you both a thesaurus.

Zuri, I'm pretty sure they're extinct.

Please don't say dumb stuff like that in front of my friends!

I'm going to be embarrassed enough when Maybelle gets here.

(Elevator bell dings)

Zuri: Maybelle?

Well, run me over and call me dinner.

So lovely to make your acquaintance...

Isn't this soiree simply to die for?

Maybelle, you look amazing.

And what happened to your accent?

Well, I just kept practicin' like you told me.

Every time I said "y'all," I just had Memaw spray me with the hose.

That's how Jessie got me to stop biting my nails.

Guess what?

Rick and I are now officially an item! (Giggles)

Omg, you two will make a supes cute couple.

Hey, Maybelle, want to go watch Top Steer?

It's branding night!

Ah, sorry pun'kin. I don't watch shows like that anymore.

I'm a city girl now.

Ugh! You broke Maybelle!

Now I'm going to have to go to that tractor pull by myself.

(Upbeat jazz music playing)

He's a little over the top with the Baton work. (Chuckles)

What, is he conducting a band or casting a spell?

All: Shh!

Jessie! All of our instruments have disappeared!

(Dramatic music playing)

This is terrible news.

Now we will not be able to perform.

How sad.

Guys, maybe it's for the best.

At our last rehearsal, we got a complaint from the entire upper West Side.

Someone threw a tuning fork through the window.

Jessie, we all knew we were never going to win this musical throw down, but we still thought it would be fun.

(Tearfully) I, chip falcon, am extremely disappointed.

We all just wanted our moment in the sun.

Well, those of us who do not burn easily. Come on, guys.

(Audience applauds)

(Clears throat)

Shing! Did you hear that?

We were on fire!

My conducting hand needs to cool down.

(Imitating steam hissing)

You're making that sizzle sound with your mouth.

Am not.

So, are you and your band ready to arm fart your way to last place?

(Laughing)

You know what? It doesn't matter where we place.

The point is, we're going to go up there, arm fart our hearts out, and didgeridoo our best!

We're going home with that trophy.

You don't scare me.

Although your jacket does make me a little nauseous.

So, here's what I'm thinking.

You. Me. Date.

You're welcome.

Why, you low down, dirty varmint!

Whoa, what's with the weird accent, honey boo boo?

Emmy is my friend.

And you are a pig!

You know what we do with pigs in my neck of the woods?

Kiss them?

In your dreams, city boy!

And... time!

Maybelle?

What did you do?

I was just telling her about how much I like you, and the next thing I know she att*cks me.

How could you hog-tie my soul mate?

Emmy, I can explain.

I cannot believe you're friends with her!

I'm not.

I only invited her because my nanny told me I had to.

Oh, but...

I thought we were friends.

I mean, you were so sweet, wanting me to be comfortable at your party, and all...

Oh, I see.

The makeover wasn't for me, it was for you.

Well, sorry I'm such an embarrassment.

What is going on out here?

None of you are using coasters!

Guys, great news! The FBI found your instruments!

Huzzah! Although, I would not think such petty theft is worthy of the federal bureau of investigation.

It's not. Uh...

These were found by the...

Formal band investigators.

Now, don't think too much about it, and go get ready!

Luke.

Shh!

Luke, you play the accordion because you love it, right?

Sure. It combines my two favorite things, making noise and violently squeezing stuff.

And you're pretty amazing at it. You should be proud of that.

You really think so?

I do.

So my advice is to take off your disguise and let your freak flag fly!

You know what?

Hmm.

I think you're right.

It's time I stopped hiding behind chip falcon and embrace who I really am, master of the chest piano!

Maybe you shouldn't let it fly that high.

Attention, fellow band rejects.

It is I, Luke Ross!

(Grunting) And I am one of you!

Luke, everyone knew it was you.

What? How?

Your accordion case says, "property of Luke Ross."

Aw, man!

I can't believe I glued all this chest hair to myself for nothing!

You're up! And I predict that you and your little band of weirdos is going to be the biggest disaster since I got stuck in a sousaphone.

It's a long story.

Go bite a bassoon!

Ravi.

This is your chance to show Mr. Collinsworth that he was wrong about you.

So, after the opening I want you to take a solo, and blow out those tacky flames on his jacket. Okay?

Got it.

Okay.

Okay, guys...

This is your moment, so have fun.

Frank, drop the b*at.

(Farting rhythmically)

(Cacophonous music playing)

(Dogs barking and whining)

Mr. Collinsworth: Ugh.

Even the dogs are booing.

Maybe someone in their band can play the pooper scooper.

(Laughing)

(Playing solo expertly)

(Cacophonous music playing)

(Dogs barking)

(Audience applauds)

Ravi, that was amazing!

Everyone else...

Way to be loud!

Ravi, you were awesome.

(Gasping)

I would like to invite you to join the walden band.

The rest of you will haunt my dreams for the rest of my life.

Thank you, Mr. Collinsworth, but I pass.

I would rather stick with the band, and the band leader, that stuck by me.

Aw!

Oh! Hey, guys.

The walden band won, but we got this sweet participation trophy.

They do not hand these out just for showing up, you know.

Actually, they do.

Emma, how was your party?

Horrible. Maybelle hog-tied my boyfriend!

Thanks a lot for making me invite her, Jessie.

I'm going to be the laughing stock of the school!

Finally, a reprieve!

Uh...

I will be upstairs trying to find a place for this in my trophy case.

Oh! Try anywhere.

It's empty.

I just talked to Maybelle.

Emma, you should feel horrible for how you treated her!

Me? Give me one good reason I should feel horrible.

Rick wanted to go out with Maybelle too, and because she was such a loyal friend to you, she roped the dope.

Okay, I know I'm coming to this thing late, but that sounds like a pretty good reason to me.

I can't believe Rick would be such a jerk.

I mean, what kind of guy does that?

Have you not listened to any of my boyfriend stories?

The consistent moral is that guys can be jerks!

I never should have tried to change Maybelle.

Probably not.

If I learned one thing today, it's that you have to let people be who they are, even if they're loud, embarrassing and cause irreparable hearing damage.

Well, what am I supposed to do now?

I'm sure Maybelle never wants to talk to me again.

Then you do the talking.

And by talking, I mean apologizing.

And you better do it quick, in case her Memaw is the feudin' type.

Hey, Maybelle.

Can we talk?

Nope!

Okay, I deserve that.

You know, Emma, I tried to change because I wanted you to like me.

Well, you shouldn't have to change.

It was awesome of you to stand up for me like that.

And I like you just the way you are.

Well, you sure have a funny way of showin' it.

Just because I don't know fancy things like which fork to use, or how to walk in them pointy shoes, or what deodorant is...

You're right, Maybelle.

I've been a horrible friend, and I'm really sorry.

If anyone needs to change, it's me.

Oh-wee! You look like a sparkly me!

You musta gotten them fancy overalls at that ne-meen's market!

Yep! I gussied them up a little bit.

And I told Rick to take a long walk off a short pier.

Good for you.

(Chuckles)

Although, that's how we lost my Uncle jeb.

So, am I forgiven?

(Hocks)

(Spitting)

(Hocks and spits)

Absolutely.

(Chuckles) And now that your weekend's free, I'm gonna take you catfish noodlin'!

Whoa. Baby steps.

No, we've been over this.

This part is staccato. Keep up.

(Growling)

Uh, Jessie?

Hmm?

Shouldn't we wait until more people show up?

Yeah, I thought you said there'd be a packed house full of rabid fans.

Well, hopefully they're not rabid. Just eager.

It's sitting and staying room only!

(Laughing)

What are you doing here?

Okay, look the truth is, I want to be in your band!

I can play my cheeks!

This is a public park! And there are children present!

No, no, no!

My upstairs cheeks.

Here. (Clears throat)

(Humming)

You're just humming.

No, I'm not.

Okay.

Your parents are paying way too much money for that school.