02x02 - No One Can Replace Her

[bunniefuu]

Announcer: Previously on Childrens Hospital...

Well, your daughter has 20/20 vision, but it's actually your eyes I'm concerned about.

What shade of awesome are those things, because I am drowning, girl?

See this mark on the ulterior colon?

Mm-hmm.

It moves here... Then here.

Are you trying to...

Yes.

This poop chute is haunted.

[ Both laugh ]

Cat: My best friend, Dr. Lola Spratt, is dead.

I want a dinosaur doctor!

Blake: He's got the rarest case of advanced aging disease I've ever seen.

Cat: Hi.

You had sex with my son?!

What? You prefer I have sex near your son or above your son?

My private practice went out of business today.

It's okay. I'm sure Childrens Hospital will take me back.

[thunder rumbles]

Cat: The end.

Soon it will be the end.

But not yet.

Hey. Aren't you Cat's boyfriend's mother?

Yeah, I was. But after he died, I got a job here as a nurse.

He died?

[Cat screaming] She's losing blood.

The baby's coming fast!

Cat!

Cat: Right now, it's the opposite of the end.

[Cat screaming]

The actual end begins about a week ago.

My boyfriend Nicky's advanced aging disease is getting worse.

Is he staying active?

I play mahjongg every morning with the girls at the home.

And on Tuesdays, there's a live one-man band! Ha-cha!

Nicky's dementia is getting worse, too.

It's hard to tell what's senility and what's normal six-year-old behavior.

Plus, I think he's a little Ret*rded, so let's just call a spade a spade, okay?

I'm only doing this so that we can have a little privacy.

I can read lips.

I hear that you're considering not keeping the baby.

I hear that you're a crazy cat lady.

Nicky's in no condition to give me support, and what if the disease is hereditary?

That makes good sense.

Hats make good tents!

This whole confusing confusion about whether to keep the baby or not has me so confused.

Cat, you have to stop thinking about yourself.

You have to think about Nicky right now.

He is in pain. Nicky will die very soon.

Cat, you have to stop tinkling on the shelf.

You have to start thinking about sticky icky icky now.

The rain in Spain!

Nicky will die very soon. Wait, what?! Hold on!

Come here. Come here.

Wait. What are you doing?

Well, sorry. Didn't you and Lola have a thing?

Didn't ebola have a Rin Tin Tin?

Chief [echoing]: Didn't you and Lola have a thing?

[ Both laughing ]

Nicky [echoing]: Didn't ebola have a Rin Tin Tin?

No. Lola's dead.

[Chief chuckles] That's not what I hear.

I hear her ghost still haunts the old haunted locker room.

I know you're here, Lola. Reveal your spirit to me.

Man, this locker room isn't haunted.

"Brazil's Most Haunted Locker Rooms."

Last time I go to that stupid half-priced bookstore. That's for sure.

[Owen sighs] Goodbye, Lola.

Hello, Owen.

[Owen screams]

A g-g-g-g-ghost!

No, I'm not a ghost.

Well, then how come I can put my hand right through you?

Okay, all right, all right, all right, all right.

Owen, stop it. I'm not a ghost.

I faked my own death.

This is exactly what the ancient scrolls said you would say.

I'm gonna announce my return in a couple minutes at the staff meeting.

It's gonna be awesome. I can't wait. I'm so restless!

I've always wanted to have sex with a restless spirit.

Take off your ghost clothes.

[Screams] A g-g-g-g-g-g-ghost!

Sal: Attention staff, there has to be more to life than this.

Chief: Lastly, I'm happy to announce that as a result of my recent surgery, not only have I been made even more gorgeous, but I no longer need... these crutches.

Good riddance. [applause]

Check it out, people! Whoo! Yeah! Feel like I'm flying!

Well, I would like to announce that Lola is back from the grave.

Reveal yourself, ghost!

[Chief screams] A g-g-g-g-g-g-ghost!

Oh, God!

Ow. Ow. Oh. Ow. Ow.

Ghost, tell us... is rain really God's tears?

Why does it always rain in Seattle, never L.A.?

Break my fall, you sexy son of a bitch!

Ghost! I want to talk to you!

I am not a ghost.

If you're not a ghost, then prove it right now.

How?

Pee on me.

Wh... how does that prove that I'm not a ghost?

I've been peed on so many times, if you're a ghost, I'll feel the difference.

Is it really so crazy that I faked my own death because I had too many e-mails?

God, it was horrible.

I get it now.

You're here to take Cat's dying, Ret*rded boyfriend to the other side.

Oh, my God! [Lola groans]

Cat: So, what do you want to read tonight?

I want to read the ancient scrolls!

Again?

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Uh-oh. I forgot to take my pills for my ticker.

Okay. Wait... what's this?

This is Viagra. This is the wrong pill.

This is a direct conflict with your cholesterol medication.

And now we have to go to the hospital, or else you're gonna die.

My ticker's getting hard.

[Cat gasps]

[Voice breaking] You did this for me, didn't you?

You took the wrong pill so that we could make love again one last time before you died.

Okay.

[ giggling ]

Cat: [ laughs ]

Did I make?

You're about to make.

My wiener's out. Boy. Oh. Ha.

Ooh, my heart is beating so fast.

Yeah, that's 'cause you're feeling it.

Yeah, it's beating too fast! Ow!

What?

I'm dying over here!

Oh, God. It's happening so fast.

[telephone ringing] Oops. I got to get that.

[singsong voice] Chello. Yeah, I've got time.

Uh, female, between the ages of 25 and 35.

Satisfied. Extremely satisfied.

I got fudge in my veins.

You're welcome. Bye.

[Nicky gasping]

Cat: What?

I can see my grandma.

You can?

And she's not judging anybody.

Shh.

Go gentle into that good night.

[Nicky gasps]

Oh. All right. Well, I got to poop this kid out.

[Cat screams] But after he died, I got a job here as a nurse.

He died?

[Cat screaming] Her water just broke!

She's losing blood!

Cat: This is it... The end that I was talking about before.

Glenn: We're losing her.

Advanced aging disease is hereditary. The baby's too big!

Glenn: Her vag*na's too small!

[Cat screaming] Oh, Lola.

Are you here to take me to the other side?

No! I am not dead!

Can you kiss me the kiss of life and save me?

Cat, I need you to push!

Oh, Lola.

Push. Damn it. [Cat moans]

Is it a boy or a girl? [squealing]

[monitor flatlines]

[Lola gasps]

Cat: Lives end just like stories.

Time of death 10:00 P.M., 9:00 Central.

Cat: Our voices stop, but our stories live on.

Dr. Cat Black is gone for good, and no one will ever replace her.

I'm Valerie Flame, Dr. Cat Black's replacement.

What can I do?

Ooh, girl, whatever you want.

Mmm!

Ha-cha-cha!

Whee! Whee! Whee!

There we go.

I'll wash the child.

Uh-oh, I got a baby boner.

Goodnight, pussycat.

[Blake laughs] I'm back!

My private practice is over, and I'm ready to... Wow!

Phew, that is horrible. [Blake laughs]

I mean, come on!

It's like a b*mb went off in that thing. Ugh, it's like a Vietnam movie.

Wow! I'm talking about her vag*na.

That's enough.

Wow! You guys should see this thing!

Valerie: And new stories begin.

Life is death and rebirth and love and blood.

We all have a story to tell.

Some stories are just better than others, more interesting and prettier.

Some stories are blond with Scandinavian features.

And all stories come to a beginning. So...

...The beginning. are you my grandma? I was. I work here now.

That's confusing. Sorry.

I have a real treat for fans of the show.

I have the actual person upon whom the character Dr. Blake Downs, the character that I play on the show, was based.

So, uh, without further ado, the real Dr. Blake Downs, Dr. Blake Downs.

I have a question. Um, tell me... What was the real Chief like?

Oh, uh, the Chief was a very funny woman who I worked with at the real hospital.

I feel like this is just not gonna work at all.

It's your show.