01x02 - Monkeys, That's What We Are

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Childrens Hospital...

I don't have a brain tumor. I just...

I couldn't think of a reason to break up with you.

That's just the brain tumor talking.

Used to be I could fix a fuel pump using the healing power of laughter.

What are you going to use? Like a wrench or something?

One of these days I'm going to get a real job in a real hospital with real adult patients.

Tiny breast implant.

Tiny breast implant.

They're getting tinier and tinier.

Freeze!

Attention, staff.

Thanks to all of you for not remembering my birthday.

Listen up, people.

Damn it. First up on the docket...

The answer to yesterday's trivia question is...

The... The answer... The answer is...

Pubis.

Yes.

Oh! I did not know that.

All right, next up.

It saddens me to have to announce that Dr. Lola Spratt has a brain tumor.

What? You told everyone I have a brain tumor?

You need your friends right now.

I told you that as a lie so that I could break up with you, okay?

Listen, everybody, I don't have a brain tumor.

That's right. You don't have a brain tumor.

Yeah, that's what I said.

You don't have a brain tumor.

I know.

Keep saying that. Everyone.

"You don't have a brain tumor."

You don't have a brain tumor.

You don't have a brain tumor.

That's your mantra.

You don't have a brain tumor.

All right, people.

Wait.

Next, I want to go over how sick and tired I am of rude waiters.

I mean, it's like you're sitting there for fifteen minutes and the guy comes over and he's like "Can I take your order?"

Is that annoying or am I crazy?

You're not crazy.

Unh!

You... You have a brain tumor? Why didn't you tell me that?

I did tell you, okay? It was...

It was a lie that I told Owen to break up with him, remember?

No. God, your tumor must be affecting my memory.

Oh, please, let's not.

Hey, where have you been staying?

I miss my roommate.

What, are we girlfriends now?

You want to get matching cargo shorts and tool belts?

I just... I want my best friend back.

Oh, really?

Because it sounds like you want to [bleep] me in the back of a "Girls Gone Wild" trailer.

Hey, stop!

We were drunk.

Let's just... Let's just pretend it didn't happen.

God, this cold is kicking my ass.

Oh, God, I'm sorry.

Does it feel even worse because of your brain tumor?

Looks like you're leading the league in malpractice, huh, Richie?

You want to explain to me why you would try and give an eleven-month-old girl breast implants?

I thought she was eleven years old.

Says here you gave a ten-year-old boy liposuction.

He looked fat on the cat scan.

You sewed two identical twins together?

I was in Siam, guy!

You threw a newborn in the trash.

I'm a neat freak!

Look, I am a good doctor with great malpractice insurance!

Get off my case!

Your case is grass!

All right.

My girlfriend and I broke up. I was distracted.

You know what it's like to lose a partner, right?

[echoing] Lose a partner.

Rough day, eh, partner? [Owen scoffs]

This date will live in infamy.

Yeah.

September 12, 2001. it's, uh -- it's the 11th.

Uh, I don't think so.

Yeah, it's definitely the 11th.

Nope. It's the 12th. See?

Okay. Well, that must be wrong because it's definitely the 11th.

It's been all over the news and everything.

My grandfather's watch has never been wrong.

I'm sorry. It's wrong today.

Man, why are you being such a d*ck about this?

Oh, I'm being a d*ck?

You're gonna feel like a real jerk when we finally get to a calendar.

You know what?

It just so happens I have a third-party calendar app on my Motorola.

Let's do this right now.

Fine. I'm right here.

I hope we invade Iraq.

No.

Noooooooooooooo!

I quit.

Hey, there he is. Where did we go?

I told you, you piece of [bleep].

Owen: I hope we invade Iraq.

Stress... Aggravation... Toxins in our air, water, and food...

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Previously on Childrens Hospital...

This is 99% effective in preventing sexually transmitted diseases.

And this... is 100% effective in getting me high.

I can play with that

I broke up with Glenn.

What, are we girlfriends now?

You want to buy matching jeeps and start a dog-walking business?

I just want my best friend back.

You're a mess. You know that, don't you? Figure out your life!

Cat: Monkeys. That's all we are.

Primates in an urban jungle, walking upright and throwing our poop into the ever-changing winds of love.

He's got the rarest case of advanced-aging disease I've ever seen.

Advanced-aging disease? Why are you telling me?

I'm chief surgeon.

Yeah, which makes you an administrator, as well.

The best damn administrator in all of Brazil...

Come on.

...which, by the way, is where we are right now.

This hospital is in Brazil, as we all know.

But, anyway, you have a gift... Gift of administration.

It's like me with the, uh, healing power of laughter.

Whoa! Uh-oh!

Damn it. Anyway...

It takes more than the healing power of laughter to know if a kid with advanced-aging disease even belongs in a children's hospital.

Can you get up there? Can you administrate?

What are you doing?

Huh?

All right, you're giving some Real mixed signals. That's...

Okay, forget it. Never happened.

Attention, staff.

Red alert. All hands report to battle stations.

I repeat: Red alert.

My body feels too big.

Oh, honey, I know.

It's called growing pains at an extraordinary rate.

Hi, I'm Chief, the chief surgeon.

Surgeon?

Does Nicky need surgery?

Doubtful. How old is Nicky?

Six.

I like turtles.

He used to be tall for his age, but now he's just average.

I wish I were as wise as I am hairy.

Adorable.

Well, I think you are perfect for Childrens Hospital, Nicky, And I am going to assign you the prettiest doctor here.

I want a dinosaur doctor.

Well, I don't have a dinosaur, but I do have a Cat.

Cat: Love and life, life and love...

They sound so much alike, but you can't fall in love...

You know, sometimes I feel my life is like a blackjack table.

We don't choose our cards. We just have to keep taking hits...

...someone, but we can't choose who we love.

Chief: Cat.

Cat: Oh. This bitch again?

Yeah.

I got a rare case of advanced-aging disease in room 310, and I want you to take it.

Could be a career-maker.

Wow.

Whore.

Great.

Now, what was I thinking again?

Okay, Jess, rather than, uh, stick you full of needles and fill you full of pills, I'm gonna try and cure you the old-fashioned way...

Using the healing power of laughter, okay?

You ready? This is a quarter. Now...

I'm going to grab it using sleight of hand...

And then make it appear as though...

I'm retracting it from your ear.

Ta-da.

That being said, please don't stick anything in... any of your holes, uptown or downtown.

Okay. That didn't work. Um...

All right. Uh, there once was a man from Nantucket whose penis was so abnormally large that he could reach it with his own mouth.

[bleep]!

Cat: Who's to say who we should love and who we shouldn't?

We just have to be in the right place at the right time.

Hi!

Hi...

Hello. Hi, pretty girl.

My elephant is gray like my beard.

Nicky: Everything's fast-forward with me.

Thank you for watching these two episodes of Childrens Hospital.

I... I have a real treat for some of the fans of the show...

Uh, the actual book upon which the web series was based.

And I would like to read from it now, um, if I could...

If you'll indulge me.

"I do much wonder that one man, seeing how much another man is a fool when he dedicates his behaviors to love, will, after he hath laughed at such shallow follies in others, become the object of his own scorn by falling in love: and such a man is Claudio.

I have seen when there was no music with him but the tabor and the fife..."