04x05 - Conky

[bunniefuu]

Listen up, guys. I need to talk to you., Sorry I haven't been able to look after you properly lately but there's just too many of youse around.

Your parents have been banging like crazy.

There's just so many of youse around right now and I've been losing focus, because I'm in a lot of f*cking pain.

But the pain I'm about to feel is nothing compared to what I've been feeling by neglecting you little guys. Oh...

Corey and Trevor are f*cking lazy.

At least if we ask Bubbles to f*cking fertilize the plants, we know it'll get done.

Shhhh! Listen.

What the f*ck's he doing in there?

You cocksucker!

f*ck!

Omigod! What happened?

Bubbles, you just broke my f*cking nose!

I'm sorry, Ricky. I didn't know you guys were there.

Sorry. Are you alright?

Come on, come on, get up Get up, Ricky. Are you okay?

That looks like a clean break. You'll be okay.

Here, stick this on your nose. And get rid of that smoke.

Head back.

U.N. President J. Edgar Hoover once said, "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country".

It's waving, Mr. Lahey.

It's guaranteed tent, Randy.

That's what we're trying to do here in Sunnyvale.

We're trying to get the community to take responsibility for itself.

No more free handouts.

No power hook-ups, no dope growing or anything.

A community spirit rests on the amount of gratuity that the community will give back to itself.

That's why Randy and I - we're back in power now - we thought a bake sale would be a great idea as a kind of meet-and-greet.

Yeah, it'd be a great idea to bring people in the community together and to throw a more dollars back in the Sunnyvale Community Fund.

That Community Fund, by the way, was denuded by the outgoing Supervisor, who shall remain nameless.

Ricky.

Ricky.

Mr. Lahey!

Hey! Hey!

Hey! They're stealing!

Stop stealing!

This is your fund. This is your community.

Holy shit, Bubbles, your face is f*cked!

Oh, it's not that bad.

No, no, no. You let that toothache go way too long.

I can get her out.

Open up. Let me take a look.

No, it's no problem.

Let me take a look. Open up.

Julian.

Bubbles, open up.

Oh, yeah. Your jaw is totally infected, man.

We gotta take you to the hospital, buddy.

No f*cking way, Julian.

I don't go to the hospital. You know that. You went to the hospital when you f*cked your arm over fixing carts, Bubbles. You gotta go.

But, boys, I had Conky with me that time.

Conky! Don't even say that f*cking name.

I hate that little fucker.

In Grade Six, Bubbles made this puppet he called Conky.

What a little assh*le.

He took it with him everywhere. It was kind of like his confidante.

His what?

Never mind.

Anyway, we had to take Conky away, because it f*cked Bubbles' mind up big time.

Yeah, even though Bubbles was Bubbles, he was two people at the same time.

And he'd try to act like this other person, but he was still Bubbles. It was f*cked.

Yeah, Randy, stand by. I might need backup.

Hey, nice look, Ricky. What are you doing?

Picking up rag sniffing now?

Ah! My God, Lahey. Careful Those two shit-rats just pissed on 40 dollars' worth of eclairs at the bake sale.

And Stinkster and Daisy were doing it in front of the kids.

My God.

You better get that looked at.

It looks like it might be infected.

It is f*cking infected, dickwad.

What was your first f*cking clue?

Written warning.

You keep those damn cats under control, Bubbles.

Your status here as tenant in Sunnyvale is tenable to say the least.

You don't want to put it In jeopardy now, do you, Bubbles?

Frig off, Mr. Lahey.

Julian, Lahey's right.

I haven't been looking after them right, because I've been in too much pain.

Come on, hospital. Let's go.

No! I'm not going.

You don't want to f*ck with infection. It's dangerous Ricky, put that down. Come on.

It's f*cking stuck to me. Stupid f*cking thing.

Boys, what are we doing at this dirty old swamp.

I just gotta check something out, Bubbles.

I gotta get this f*cking truck off my hand, boys.

It's driving me f*cking nuts !

Here, Ricky.

Just, look, you can unhook the trailer.

That's not glued to you.

f*ck!

Ricky, get rid of that rag You must've stopped bleeding by now, man.

That's disgusting.

What the f*ck?!

Ah! It's f*cking glued to my face.

Oh, don't pull on it, Ricky. That's contact cement.

It'll rip the skin right off you.

f*ck!

One time I was making a mode I and I glued the wing to a B-17 bomber to my bird by accident.

What?

I was taking a pee.

Do you remember that time I was walking funny for a couple of weeks? I had a wing on my bird., Jesus. Well, now, I got a f*cking rag glued to my face a truck glued to my hand. This is bullshit.

Don't worry about that. We'll deal with that later Bubbles, just wait right here. We'll be back in a minute.

Julian, this is f*cked!

Don't you guys think I'm going to the hospital, 'cause I'm not.

Julian, I don't know where it is. It was f*cking Grade Six.

I was drunk. I don't know where I threw the little fucker.

Ricky, you're gonna have to try to remember, alright?

He's not gonna go to the hospital without it Think!

If that infection spreads, man, it's gonna cause mental illness.

It's gonna be dangerous. I'm telling you right now.

Well, it's in one of these f*cking swamps somewhere.

I dunno. Just keep looking.

It's not my f*cking fault.

Describe where you threw it again.

In here somewhere. I was drunk.

There's a pond, Rick.

Is this it?

I dunno, Julian. I don't remember any of this Well, check it anyway. I'm gonna look over here.

f*ck...

f*ck.

Holy f*ck, I found him, Julian You little f*ck-face!

Remember, Ricky, he's only a doll, okay?

I f*cking hate him, Julian.

Just ignore him.

We've got to do this.

Let's go.

You f*ck with me and it's f*cking on, I'll tell you that.

You little bastard.

Julian, this f*cking tooth is k*lling me.

Can't we just rip it out? Alright, she's settled.

We're ripping her out. Let's get a rock and smash it.

Bubbles, I've got something for you.

Omigod. Conky!

Conky, where have you been Omigod!

Omigod, I've missed you.

I thought you were dead for sure.

I thought you were dead too, you little bastard.

Luckily I don't need oxygen to live underwater like you do. Stupid!

Julian, it's starting already. I'm telling you right now, if you f*ck with my Conky, I'm gonna f*ck with you.

Ricky, Ricky.

I'm out of here.

Ricky, I need your help here, okay?

We gotta get him to the hospital or he could go into a coma What, a coma? A coma? I'm going into a coma?

No, no, probably not. You're gonna be fine, Bubbles.

What's it like in a coma?

Why don't you ask Conky if it's okay to go to the hospital. a Conky, do you think... do you think it would be a good ide for me to go to the hospital and get that fixed?

Well, I think it might be a good idea to go on an adventure with Julian and...

Ricky!

Final warning, there, f*ck-face. Final warning.

Hey, Rand. I gave Bubbles his ultimatum Hey, Sarah. How's it going I got some eclairs to replace the ones that were ruined.

Good thing. Lucy and I have been working really hard to hold this shit together.

Yeah, I know.

What is this money going to anyway, Lahey? The liquor store?

It's going to the community.

Okay, what the f*ck's been eating these?

Eating them? Cats!

Randy, we've got to do something about the shit-rat problem Seriously, though, what's this money going to Listen, Lucy, don't you worry about the money.

I'm the Trailer Park Supervisor.

I know exactly where this money is going. Come on, Rand.

It's okay, Bubs. It's okay Can I help you?

Yes, you can. My friend's got an abscessed tooth.

We need someone to take a look at it.

No, we don't, actually, Julian.

Let's just get the f*ck out of here. I'm fine.

Um, uh, I'm sorry, sir. There's no smoking.

And is this gentleman with you too?

Yeah, I'm f*cking with him. What do you mean, no smoking And what is your problem, sir?

Well, now I can't smoke. That's my first problem.

I've got a busted nose. Which I now have a rag glued to.

And a f*cking truck glued to my hand.

How's that for a start?

And he's f*cked in the head.

He needs a brain transplant.

Conky, I'm serious. You better f*ck off.

Washington, code white, please.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Want a piece of me, you little d*ck?

Ricky!

Don't you touch me.

What is the gentleman's first name?

Bubbles.

And what is his last name?

Uh, just Bubbles.

Get the f*ck away from me.

Okay, and do you gentlemen all live at the same civic address He lives in my shed. Ricky lives in his car.

Okay. And, um... any health cards? Social Insurance numbers?

Is there any information you can give me?

I do have one last bit of information for you.

This is called the double whammy, which I only bring out for special occasions, alright So why don't you and your whole hospital f*ck off You won't help me. It's 'cause I live in a car.

Is that what it is? f*ck! Holy f*ck!

You guys can f*ck off.

What the f*ck is this shit I live in a car, you won't fix me up or help my friend?

Nice going, Ricky.

f*ck you, Conky.

f*ck!

Crazy octo-eyed m*therf*ckers.

Frig off, Washington.

Are you happy now, Julian?

Bubbles is going to go into a coma and die probably You idiots.

Conky, please. Just don't.

Bubbles, don't worry.

I'll get that tooth out somehow, alright?

Who can go f*ck whoseself?

Now you f*ck off, you little fucker.

Rick, who the hell are you talking to?

The f*cking squirrel on my shoulder just told me to f*ck off.

Ricky, you're hallucinating.

Get a hold of yourself, Ricky. Ricky, you just pissed on me Well, you pulled me away Just pretend you're on mushrooms, alright Just go with it. Come on, let's go.

There they are, Randy. We got 'em, boy.

Where'd you get the cookies?

Where'd you get the cookies, boys?

Get up.

On the car. Get up.

I paid for those. A legal transaction.

Those cookies were stole from the bake sale this morning.

That's right. You're stealing them.

Why don't you call the cops and tell them that we stole your cookies.

That's a darn good idea.

I think I just might do that Wait, don't call the cops, dude. Come on, don't, don't.

Ow!

Okay, I tell you what. You do me a little favour, I won't call the cops. I want you to round up all of Bubbles' cats and bring them to me.

Bubbles, Bubbles, cool it. Just stop that Conky stuff, man.

Get in the car.

It's bad enough I gotta deal with f*cking breathing in this shit.

I probably got brain... whatever it's called or, mental, f*ck I just can't deal with you. You know that?

I can't f*cking deal with you.

Bubbles, stop with the Conky stuff.

Julian, I can't be responsible for every little thing that comes out of his mouth, you know.

I should've left you in the f*cking swamp, you know.

That's where you belong, in that f*cking swamp.

Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy?

I'm a good boy, Bubbles.

Get in, Julian.

Ricky. Ricky, Ricky.

Are you sure you want to use the Community Fund for this, Mr. Lahey?

The cat population in the park is Malthusian in scope, Randy.

We have no choice.

This is hard, Mr. Lahey.

They're scratching the shit out of us.

The cat's in heat, Trevor, and you're wearing a leopard-print coat? Smart. Real smart.

You know, I think we should get paid more.

No possible way. Put the shit-rats in the car Well, when are we getting paid?

Shut up, Trevor. The shift's not over. Get back to work Goddamned shit-monkeys.

What did you say?

Move on, Trevor. Moving on Holy f*ck, boys. Sam's got his vet open again He could take out your tooth, Bubbles.

Well, I got my veterinary practice up and running again, which is great.

It took a lot of bullshit, and I'm on probation for two years with the Veterinary Association of Canada, but it's nice to be back doing what I really love to do.

No f*cking way, boys.

You're not thinking of letting that big square-headed, greasy bastard work on my tooth, are you?

Bubs, Bubs, if he can take a cat's tooth out, he can take your tooth out, okay?

It's basically the same thing. Alright, here's the deal.

Ricky and I are gonna go case the joint out, make sure everything's cool, because Sam's f*cked.

We can get him to do this, Bubbles.

What do you think?

Alright, Julian. I don't give a f*ck anymore.

I just want this dirty f*cking tooth out of my mouth.

Bubs, it's going to be okay, alright? You wait here, we'll get the situation under control, then come and get you. Conky, get the f*ck out of my face.

You gotta get that thing under control, Bubbles.

He's driving me nuts.

Come on, Rick.

You're not gonna listen to Ricky, are you, Bubbles You're a lot smarter than he is.

Conky, don't start.

Well, well, well, what do we have here?

Jim Lahey's car is at the vet.

What's Lahey doing here?

Why don't you go find out, Bubbles.

Or are you too scared?

Conky, you better f*ck off, I'm telling ya.

f*ck off?

You just remember I call the sh*ts here, Bubbles.

You got it?

Yes, Conky.

Good.

Ninety-seven dollars per cat Ninety-seven dollars?

Okay, let's go take a look around.

We got at least 25 cats back at the park.

Ninety-seven dollars? Taxes in?

Lahey? Randy?

What the f*ck are you guys doing here?

Conky?

Looking trim, Randy.

Why in the f*ck do you guys have my kitties at the vet I gave you written warning. Now we're using the proceeds-

For what? To have my kitties k*lled?

You're having my kitties k*lled!

Bubbles, Jesus!

I'll k*ll you, Randy!

Give it to him, Bubbles.

I'll k*ll you!

Bubbles! Bubbles!

You got the wrong idea! Let him go!

What the f*ck?

Julian, it must be the fumes. I'm hallucinating, man.

It looks like Bubbles has wings on his back and he's strangling Mike Bullard.

f*ck, it is Bubbles. Come on.

What?

Is he strangling Mike Bullard?

No, it just looks like it.

It's Randy.

Open the door, I'm going in.

Where'd you get the g*n?

Doesn't matter. Open it.

Let him go, Bubbles! Bubbles, let him go!

Hands over your heads!

Bubbles, stop it!

Put the f*cking g*n down, Sam.

f*ck!

Don't sh**t, Ricky.

What's the matter, shitclamp? Out of darts? Huh?

Don't worry, Sam, Ricky wouldn't hurt a flea I said shut the f*ck up, Conky.

Don't you f*cking move, Sam.

We're probably going to jail over all this bullshit.

Thanks a lot. But before we do, you're going to f*cking give us a hand. Au gratin.

Sorry, Sam, but Bubbles' tooth has to come out.

Unfortunately, you are our only option now. Forget about it, Julian. I've already lost my practice once because of you guys. And this shit's still trying to k*ll me Sam, shut the f*ck up, alright? Or next time, I'm not going to miss, I f*cking promise you that, You were one of the reasons we went back to jail last time so you owe us.

I owe you?!

Sam, just take out the f*cking tooth.

Come on., Look, having a gunfight in the middle of my office I'm sure is a breach of my probation.

Okay, so you want to sh**t, sh**t. Go ahead.

Look, take out the tooth and I'll get you out of this with the cops. It's not a big deal, alright Holy f*ck, purple squirrels!

There's no f*cking squirrels. Keep that down.

No more gunplay! f*ck, if the cops aren't already on their way, they're on their way now, okay?!

So if you stop the gunplay, I'll do whatever you want.

Anything.

Why don't you just sh**t off your g*n some more, very recklessly like?

Idiot!

Did you just call me an idiot, Conky? Huh?

Maybe I did... Raveen.

Alright, "Raveen" is taking it a little too far, alright, you little fucker? He's the f*cking man they call...?

Don't say it, Bubbles.

? Raveen...?

That's it. I have f*cking had it with you.

Ricky, you're pointing a loaded handgun at a puppet Yes, I am.

Behind the puppet is our friend.

The b*llet will go through the doll and k*ll Bubbles.

Give me the g*n.

I gotta k*ll this puppet, Julian.

Ricky, give me the g*n.

Give it to me.

Oh, those were excellent negotiation tactics you used..

Patrick Swayze.

That's not funny, Bubbles.

? Oh my Julian?

♪ My handsome Julian♪
♪ Patrick Swayze♪
♪ You were so f*cking sexy in Roadhouse♪
♪ f*cking Dirty Dancing♪

My God! Julian, what happened?

I'm sorry, buddy. You were going crazy on us, man.

Smoking much dope lately, boys? You guys are f*cked.

f*ck off, Sam.

f*ck, the cops are here, boys.

Alright, I got an idea. It's pretty f*cked up, but it might work, okay?

Is that dog pee?

Yeah, hold this, Bubbles. I'd say we got about a 10% chance of getting out of this one, boys.

Attention. This is the police.

Put down your weapons...

Is that George Green?

That's definitely him.

Wicked. Forget what I said Our chances just went up to 95%.

Julian, give me your drink.

No way, Ricky.

Do you want to go to jail? Give me your f*cking drink What are we going to do?

I repeat. This is the police Come out with your hands up.

f*cking idiot.

Alright, Bubbles, here's what I want you to do.

Poor that on them. Make it look like they pissed themselves.

Julian, take the darts out of them.

George, it's Ricky!

Randy and Lahey are in here! They're drunk as f*ck!

They've been drinking all day! They came here f*cking around, but we got it under control! Come on in slowly, just take your time!

f*ck, boys, here they come.

Ricky, get your darts out.

Not your cigarette darts, these darts.

Pull them out.

Take them out for me, Bubs Oh. Hey, there, George. Karen.

Nobody move.

No, we're not moving.

Would somebody mind telling me what the hell is going on here. We got a report of g*nf*re There's no g*nf*re. My car backfired out front That was all. Look, Bubbles had an appointment for his cat and me and Julian brought him down here., These two idiots showed up, drunk as f*ck, starting shit mumbling something about shit-wolves.

Then they pissed themselves and passed out.

I don't f*cking know. They're f*cked. You know that.

Sam?

Exactly. That's exactly what happened, George.

I can smell the booze from here.

No shit.

Can you smell the pee?

Look at the piss on them.

You going to want to press charges here, Sam?

No, I just want them out of here. I have a practice to run Karen.

Ricky, we can help them, uh... We can help you, George.

Yeah, we'll give you a hand, George.

No problem.

Deal's a deal, Sam., No problem, Julian. You get Bubbles back in here I'll set up my table and we'll get that tooth out, okay?

Can you get that f*cking rag and model off Ricky too?

Sure, Julian.

Look at the size of that cocksucker, boys.

Holy f*ck.

I know.

Boys, what the f*ck is up with me getting shot with three darts and it didn't even affect me I must be, like, a superhero or something.

Maybe you've got so much dope in your system you're immune, Rick.

Well, if that's the case then, Julian, he is like a superhero f*cking right.

Holy f*ck, Ricky, you know who you are?

Who?

You're Dope-Man!

He can smoke a pound in a single bound.

Hey, guys, what's up?

You seen Lahey and Randy around? We gathered up all your cats and we can't find them anywhere.

Haven't seen them?

You helped round up my cats to have them k*lled?

What are you talking about Lahey's getting your cats spayed, not put to sleep.

You should know we wouldn't do that, Bubbles Give me a break.

Omigod, boys.

What have we done to Lahey and Randy?

f*ck 'em.

Where are we, Mr. Lahey?

I think we're in the drunk t*nk, Randy.

Looks like you pissed yourself, bud.

You pissed yourself too, Mr. Lahey.

Oh, not again.

Boys, maybe I could keep his glasses and his little sweater No f*cking way, Bubbles.

Come on, buddy.

f*ck you, Conky.